03x19 - Teacher Depreciation Week

[bunniefuu]

I'll be back late Friday night.

I'm sorry I'll miss the
Teacher Appreciation Awards.

Oh, no worries.

Enjoy your animal rescue convention.

Tell everyone in Milwaukee I saw hi.

Not everyone, but at least
the people on the plane

and in the hotel.

- Love you guys.
- Love you too.

Keep him out of trouble.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

When the dad cat's away, the mice
will play. Know what I mean?

So I brought "Jurassic Park," "Alien,"

"Back to the Future I, II and III,"

and "Baby Geniuses."

But that one's just for me.

Cool, but I have a math test tomorrow.

Oh, don't worry. I'll quiz
you on the way to school.

Look at us.

We're two wild and crazy guys!

Christopher Walken.

[ROCK MUSIC]

So Kyle and I are making our
celebrity free pass list.

So far I have Mark McGrath
and Carson Daly.

Who am I missing?

Joey Lawrence?

Ah, ooh, that's good!

Or any other sad douche
who peaked in the ' s.

Mavis, where are the staples?

Don't have any.

- [SIGHS]
- Think the copier's broken.

No, it isn't. We just ran out of paper.

How do we not have any paperclips?

Mavis, the light's out
in the faculty bathroom.

Do we have any new bulbs?

No, but I know you have a match.

I've been in there after you.

I just want to attach one piece of paper

to another piece of paper.

It shouldn't be that hard.
What is going on?

An inadequate budget.

I'm sorry, we're S.O.L.

If you guys need supplies,

you're gonna have to get creative.

So what am I supposed to do
about the paper?

Here, this is technically paper.

Use this.

It's too big, Mavis!

[ROCK MUSIC]

[FLATULENCE]

Jada, please keep your IBS in check.

People are taking a test.

Blake, wake up!

I wasn't doing anything.

[GASPS]

- You were cheating?
- No, I was sleeping, like you said.

Nobody cheats on me!

That sounded weird,
but you know what I mean.

You're a liar!

I'm calling your father.

♪ ♪

You do it for the tee-ball league.

Consider it a similar type
of sponsorship.

You provide supplies for my students,

and in exchange I promise
your business in my classroom.

I'm also highly connected
to major influencers.

One of my student's parents
is a tour guide a Navy Pier.

And another one is Mike Dikta's niece.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
You shoulda led with Ditka.

Deal.

Thank you. My students
can't thank you enough.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lorenzo,
what are you doing to me?

You're k*lling me
with all these pepperonis.

I keep telling you,
four pepperonis per slice.

There's eight slices.
What does that equal?

pepperonis.

Oh, boy.

Sometimes I wonder if these morons

can even open an oven door
by themselves.

[STRAINED LAUGH]

So my people will drop
a detailed contract,

including branding guidelines,

and I'm looking forward to
seeing your students graduate

with the Saucy Lawrence logo

printed on their caps and gowns.

[LAUGHS] Yes.

I'm dead serious.

Oh.

You got it.

[ROCK MUSIC]

So am I supposed to treat
you like a parent?

I am a parent. Sort of.

I can't believe he cheated.

We were all so proud of him

for making it to the third grade.

Just in time for
his moustache to come in.

It's my fault.

I was trying to be a cool stepmom.

I told him he could watch
movies instead of studying.

Can you let him off the hook?

You know I can't, girl.

If I do, it'll set a bad example.

It would be like if I ate ice cream

in front of a woman who's a size six.

Just this one time, please?

Sorry, I have to give him detention.

How am I gonna explain this to his dad?

Just give him a blowjob
when he gets back

and casually break the news to him

right before he falls asleep.

That's how I told the last guy I dated

that I racked up Gs
on his credit card at Express.

Dude didn't bat an eye.

But he did bust a nut.

And as you write your answers
with your new pencils

in your new notebooks,
remember to thank...

[BLOWS NOTE]

ALL: ♪ The guy who shows
pizza who's bossy ♪

♪ It's Saucy Lawrence ♪

Now let's put on our thinking caps

and slice our way into long division.

If Saucy Lawrence charges . for...

four pineapple and ham
stuffed-crust pizzas,

how much does each pizza cost

during the Simmer Summer Super Sale?

Why do we keep talking about pizza?

I'm not talking about pizza, Rhett.

I'm integrating pizza

in a totally natural
and non-invasive way.

[ROCK MUSIC]

So I now have more pencils,
pens and markers

than I know that do to with.

My hair constantly smells
like pepperoni,

but, hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Damn, I need to get hooked up like that.

Seriously.

Well, find your own sugar daddies,

because Saucy Lawrence is taken.

Hey, wait, Deb,

do you think Vegan Vinny's
would ever sponsor me?

[GROANING]

Blake, Gideon, what are you doing?

What's this?

[SCOFFS] Are you stealing
Davey's homework?

I'm calling both of your parents.

This is my second conference this week.

I'm clearly failing as a stepmom.

No, you're not. Listen,
I'm in here all the time.

You just gotta know
how to handle these teachers.

All right, everything
they say is a suggestion.

So when it comes to our children,

we need to tell them what to do.

Hi, Mary Louise. Hello, Paul.
Nice to see you again.

Let's just get this over with.

Okay.

Well, I caught Gideon

and Blake stealing
another student's homework,

so I'm going to have
to give them both detention.

Blake's already had detention once...

I got this. What evidence do you have

of this alleged theft?

My eyes, and it's not alleged.

I asked them if they did it,
and they both said yes.

Is there video footage?

- No.
- Photos? Fingerprints?

This is an elementary school.

Okay, so what you're telling
me is that you have no case.

We get it, Paul. You're an attorney.

Yes, I am, and if you're going to accuse

our children of something
as iniquitous as theft,

I'm gonna expect proof.

[SCOFFS]

Are you gonna help me out here?

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, Caroline,
but if there's no evidence...

This has been a colossal
waste of my time.

You're lucky I don't bill you for this.

Really, Mary Louise, I...

In short days,

that boy will be my son.

If you come for my almost-son,
you better have proof.

Nice work yesterday.

I didn't think you had it in you.

This whole stepmom thing is turning out

to be a lot harder than I thought.

Oh, you'll get the hang of it.

Blake's a good kid,

and if he's acting out,
that's not your fault.

It's these teachers. They're all hacks.

No offense, but...

Well, I don't think that's true.

No, no, it is. Yeah, yeah.

I can tell you're a good parent

and just want what's best for Blake.

But if you don't demand it, no one will.

Now remember, you are homeless children

living on the streets.

Website's up and running.

These are gonna sell like hotcakes.

What do homeless people paint?

Public bathrooms with their feces.

But don't worry about that.

Just think hungry thoughts
while you paint,

and we'll be able to buy
construction paper.

A rainbow, George? Think darker, kid.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Guess who's got paper.

Good for you, girl,
but you look pale as hell.

That's because I've been donating plasma

for school supplies.

I've already hit up four clinics today.

That's great, and I can
finally afford my markers.

I don't have to do imagination
coloring anymore. Life is good.

Yeah, plasma's a renewable resource,

so these veins are gonna
keep me stocked with supplies

for the rest of the school year.

I need to think of something
that I can sell.

My most valuable asset is my hot body.

Ugh, I wish I could sell that.

You can, dumbass.

- It's called prostitution.
- [GASPS]

I need to talk to all of you
about Blake.

It's come to my attention that
you're all a bunch of hacks.

It's not Blake's fault he's acting out.

It's all of yours.

- Say what?
- Yeah, Chelsea, you're his teacher,

and if you were actually giving
my future stepson

the one-on-one attention he deserves,

he wouldn't have had
detention twice this week.

Don't be ridiculous, Mary Louise.

You're a teacher.
You know that's not true.

Yeah, dude, don't be that parent.

Well, I am that parent now, Debra.

So you all better adjust
or suffer the consequences.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- That was weird.
- I know.

She called you the wrong name.

Debra's my full name.

[CHUCKLES] Deb is short for Debra?

Eww.

[ROCK MUSIC]

We're open seven days a week

from : a.m. to : a.m.

For delivery, please call - - .

Great.

Now what do you think
the author is really saying?

The store's hours and phone number.

Very good!

Hey!

If it isn't the godfather himself.

You are legally bound to not mention

any other franchises, Deb.

Right, sorry.

I thought I'd stop by
to check out my sponsorship.

- Do you mind if I observe?
- No, not at all.

Excellent, and I also brought you this.

It just came in and I thought
you might want to try it on.

No. No way.

I just lost all the baby weight.

That's too bad,

'cause I thought
if you wore this costume,

then I could spring for a smartboard.

But, oh well.

I assume I can wear leggings?

[ROCK MUSIC]

Wow, it's busy tonight.

Are we finally voting
on my teachers' lounge

tanning bed proposal?

No, parents are here to tell the council

how Fillmore can improve.

Ah, thank God. We could
really use the support.

Uh-huh.

Our first order of business
is an emergency proposal

by Paul Ballinger.

The teachers at Fillmore
are out of control.

We've had multiple reports
of a teacher taking

unauthorized field trips
to plasma clinics.

Another centering all of her
lesson plans around pizza.

And one of the teachers
is selling my child's artwork

online for cash!

This is our house.

Someone could find out where we live.

Things need to change.

- Hear, hear!
- [GASPS]

Fellow parent Mary Louise Bennigan and I

have come up with
a proposed list of demands.

Teachers will offer
ten office hours per week

outside of school hours.

They will send home
daily progress reports.

They will be available anytime
for updates via phone.

They will also be required
to administer minutes

of one-on-one time
for each student every day.

[APPLAUSE]

You can't do this!

Teachers need to learn to care.

BOTH: Teachers need to learn to care!

ALL: Teachers need to learn to care!

Teachers need to learn to care!

You're a teacher, dildo!
You need to learn to care too.

Everyone looks to be
in favor of Paul's motion.

So passed!

New teacher requirements
are effective immediately.

[APPLAUSE]

Quickly people!

I don't know how we are
gonna do all this!

I, for one, am excited.

We're gonna have so much fun.

I just need a little
espresso and more minutes

to complete your daily progress reports.

Then we can move on to the
Declaration of Independence.

Deb?

Which would have been much better

if Thomas Jefferson had been eating

a Saucy Lawrence sausage pizza.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Hi, Mr. Murphy.

Yes, Peter's doing well.

No, I don't think Peter's cold.

Peter, are you cold?

Okay, yes, Peter's cold.

I'll give him my jacket,

but, yeah, I do need
to get back to teaching.

So what is times ?

I don't know.

Are you gonna do anything about that?

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

No, because this is your time.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GROANS]

♪ ♪

[GASPS]

♪ ♪

[LINE BEEPING] Hold on.
I have another call.

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[PHONE RINGS]

'Cause your son is able
to wipe his own heinie.

I don't need to go in there with him.

And so it was the Emancipation
Proclamation that made...

Deb, why am I paying
good money for a costume

if you're just gonna
sit behind your desk?

I want to see the whole pie. Stand up.

Okay, that's it! [GROANS]

[PHONE RINGS]

What do you need help with, Nicholas?

Nothing. My mom just needed
to drop me off early

[IN SLOW-MOTION]
so she could go to Starbucks

and not be late for work.

[SCREAMS]

♪ ♪

Everything hurts.

I fell asleep on the way home last night

and almost drove into Lake Michigan.

Thank God it's
Teacher Appreciation Week.

I could really use some pampering.

Remember that year the PTA
got us a manicurist?

Yes, she was so good.

She drew my family crest on my nails.

If I don't get a minute massage soon,

I might die.

I'm dead.

That's our gift?

This pizza will haunt me forever.

I can't believe this.
What are they gonna do

at the Teacher Appreciation
Awards, stone us?

Maybe it'll be like
"The Handmaid's Tale,"

and we'll have to stone each other.

Dibs on going first!

It's okay, guys.

We don't teach
for the capitalist rewards.

We teach for the love.

You make me sick!

Okay, no. Stop.

Ahhhh!

[YAWNS]

Hey there, Blake-o.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

Oh, no, is it p*rn?

I don't know how
to talk to you about that.

All I can say is you gotta
get to know a pizza man

and really trust him for those
kinds of things to happen.

It's not p*rn.

Thank goodness.

[SIGHS]

An answer key.

Did Ms. Snap give this to you?

No, I took it from her desk.

Blake, why?

I'm sorry, I just can't
get held back again.

The other day I got sent to the office,

and they asked me what class
my child was in.

You're not gonna get
held back, I promise.

I'll talk to Ms. Snap.

She's obviously
not doing enough for you.

No, she is. She always tries to help me.

I just haven't been
studying like I should,

because I wanted to watch
all those movies you brought.

[SIGHS]

Cheating isn't the answer.

Okay? Hard work is.

Let me help you with this, okay?

And when we're done, as a special treat,

we can go home and watch
"Baby Geniuses."

[PLAYING FLUTE]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Mindy F.,
for that original piece

dedicated to Ms. Cannon,

entitled "Art Cart in My Heart."

Thank you, Mindy. That was sweet.

For the next Teacher Appreciation Award,

welcome Rhett G.
from Mrs. Adler's class.

[APPLAUSE]

I want to thank our teacher, Mrs. Adler,

who got us a sponsorship
from Saucy Lawrence.

Hey, we're making pizza here!

So our class could have
almanacs, puzzles,

and an up-to-date atlas.

I'd like to give her
the Most Dedicated Award.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank, Rhett, very much you.

I sound like Yoda.
I'm not on dr*gs, I swear.

I just have had a lot
of caffeine. Adios.

[APPLAUSE]

I want to present Ms. Snap

with the Keeps It Fun
by Keeping It Real Award.

She taught us international geography

by following Eminem's Revival Tour.

We learned fun facts about
each city he performed in.

Ms. Snap, this is for you.

[SNORING]

Ms. Snap.

Ms. Snap?

[SNORING]

[SIGHS]

I'd like to give my teacher, Ms. Watson,

the Blood, Sweat and Tears Award,

because she literally gave up
all those things for us.

Thanks, Ms. Watson,
for selling your plasma

so we don't have to share an eraser.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Harrison.

[ALL GASP] Where's the school nurse?

They let her go. Budget cuts.

Caroline? Caroline?

She's probably exhausted
from making false accusations

against students.

Oh, you wanna know why she's passed out?

Because our school doesn't
get any funding.

Teachers aren't the problem.
The government is.

If you want your children
to get a better education,

then you need to put pressure
on the school board

so that we get better financial support.

Not just for our paychecks,

but for your kids.

Help us help our students.

Teacher contract
negotiations are coming up,

and I think it's time
that we join forces

so teachers and students
get the funding they deserve.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I let my desire to be
a good mother get in the way

of sticking with my fellow
teachers and sisters.

I'm sorry.

And, Chelsea... Chelsea?

[SNORING]

Listen, if you expect the teachers

to do more for the students,

they're gonna need more resources.

No.

Then if you're not going
to give us more resources,

we need more support staff.

- We're spread too thin.
- No.

Okay, if you want us to do
all these things ourselves,

then we need to be compensated.

[CHUCKLES] No.

So you want us to do all this extra work

outside of our jobs
and not get paid for it?

No.

I mean, yes.

I'm just so used to saying no.

Look, I'm sorry, but things
just aren't going to change

this school year.

You're just gonna have
to learn to live with that.

Okay, while we're spitting truths,

your husband kissed me on the
lips at a New Year's Eve party,

and it was longer than three seconds.

And you're just gonna have
to learn to live with that.

[CLEARS THROAT] Next order of business.

Somebody say something.

I wanna talk about that more.

[RAPHAEL LAKE'S "TEACH YA"]

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Give what you need ah ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪

[SNORING]