03x20 - Wedded Miss

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Teachers". Aired: January 2016 to March 2019.
"Teachers" revolves around six elementary school teachers trying to mold young minds, even though their own lives aren't really together.
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03x20 - Wedded Miss

Post by bunniefuu »

- Happy wedding day, girl!
- Thanks.

I've dreamt about this
day my whole life,

and I can't wait to spend it
getting ready with all of you.

I don't have any siblings due
to my mom's corn silo accident,

but I've got you.
Thanks for being here for me.

- Here's something old.
- Oh.

I made them from petrified owl pellets.

- Thank you.
- Here's something new.

You've had the same tube of Carmex
since I met you five years ago.

It's unsettling.



Uh, I wasn't aware there'd
be gifts since I was not

on the email chain because
I'm not a bridesmaid,

but, uh...

Here, something borrowed.

It's Tiffany's, hence the borrowed.

I will need that back.

- And here's something blue.
- Oh.


Is... this lubricant?

- Yeah.
- But it's not blue.

It's for something blue.

Hot Dad's balls.



Look at these.

I was still feeling sad
about not being chosen

as a bridesmaid, but seeing your dresses

makes me feel much better.

- Get out of my way.
- Look who's here.


Meemaw, you made it!


Love is patient.

Love is kind.

No, Mom. No, not yet.

- Love is patient.
- No, the wedding's not

- for a few hours, Mom.
- Love is kind.

It's a tradition that my
mother reads from Corinthians

at family weddings.

This might be her last wedding,

so it's so special that
she's here to do the reading.

Meemaw, I wanna introduce you
to the most important woman

in my entire life, Chelsea Snap,

and my other friends too.

Chelsea, would you mind watching Meemaw

while we get ready?


I'm so sorry, but I can't.

I'm allergic to whatever it is that

makes old people smell the way they do.

I'd love to help, but as the attendant,

I'll be too busy organizing
the towlettes for the bathroom.

♪ ♪

- Can you?
- Okay, Meemaw.

Looks like it's you and me today.


Just let me know
whatever it is you need.

All right.

- Mom.
- Yes?

Why don't you come with
me so I can show you

the finishing touches
they put on my dress?

So where is Cecelia?
Did she go pick up the rings?

Yes, but since it's the last day

of teacher contract negotiations,

she stopped by the protest.

Salary cuts.
We won't take it, so don't ask.

ALL: We won't take it, so don't ask.

We won't take it up the ass!

ALL: We won't take it up the ass!

No, no, no, no! That's not what I said!

I did not say that!

I can't believe Cecelia's
late as a bridesmaid.

It's like,
have some respect for your job.

Speaking of, listen up, bridesmaids.

Because I'm the most snatched
maid of honor ever...

hashtag fact not fiction...
I booked an esthetician

- to pamper us.
- Wow, thanks, Chelsea.

I said bridesmaids.

Who wants to go first?

Okay, fine, I'll go. [LAUGHS]

Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!

She's such a beast.


Where's Meemaw?


- Hey, there he is.
- Hey.

[LAUGHS] The big guy himself.

Pastor Ted.


Okay, well, I'm... I'm gonna
start getting ready.


They're exterminating in there.
It's very unsafe.

But don't worry, you can use
my office to get dressed.

Oh, that's okay,
I can just use the bathroom.

Nope, the stalls in there are too small.

Too hard to get legs into pants.

It's gonna need to be my office.

Come with me. Come on.
Come on, this way. This way.


Oh, sorry, I wasn't clear.

I need to use this room
as well to change so...



She can barely walk.
How far could she have gotten?

Two summers ago, I saw
June Squip in a Zumba class.

Old women can be deceptively spry.

Meemaw? Oh, God.

We can't be gone for much longer.

Mary Louise is gonna wonder why
we're not getting ready with her.



Okay, Caroline, we get it. You're white.

- You love tennis.
- No, Deb.

It's from Meemaw's walker.
Clearly I'm better at tracking.

You go cover while I hunt
the old girl down.


♪ ♪

She's close.

I... I've been trying to talk
her into more curls, you know?

Hey, hey, look at you two in your robes.

There you are!

Where are the other girls?

Caroline's making sure
that the altar is clean

for the ceremony. You know how she is.

Uh, Cecelia's polishing the rings,

and Chelsea's with an esthetician.

- That one's actually true.
- Where's Meemaw?

She's in the bathroom.

I think she drank too many Ensures.

I hope she's okay.

She's gotta do the reading later.

Oh, no, stay here. She's fine.

It's just a normal poop, not diarrhea.

How do you know?

I was in there for the beginning of it.

And it, uh, was just
your average plopping,

- not that running water noise.
- Debra.


They aren't budging
on any of our demands.



Step back, please.

Excuse me, officer.
We're just trying to have a peaceful...


- Get down!
- No!


What did you just do?


Meemaw? Are you in here?

What's wrong?





♪ ♪


I'm ruined! [CRYING]

What happened?

- She did.
- I'm so sorry!

They didn't cover adverse reactions

in the six-hour online course.

Oh, my God! Get out, get out, get out!

Jesus. You got that from a facial?


And a chemical peel, cupping,

lipid cheek injections,
and some very basic Botox,

but it shouldn't look like this!

I can't walk down the aisle like this.

Cancel the wedding!

It's not your wedding to cancel.

Now get it together.

Mary Louise is waiting for us!

Hey, I can hear you
all the way down the hall.

We've got a problem.

Cecelia is in jail.

- Holy f*ck, what is that thing?

- It's Chelsea.

Chelsea, I'm sorry I called you a thing.

It just took me a few seconds
to recognize you as a human.

Leave me alone! [CRYING]

Great, Chelsea won't come out,

Cecelia's locked up with the rings,

and Meemaw's gone AWOL.
Mary Louise is gonna freak.

No, she's not because
she's not gonna find out.

How? This day is screwed.

Listen to me. I have been
a maid of honor times,

and something always
goes awry on the big day.

You keep looking for Meemaw.

I'll call Kyle to see
if he can talk Chelsea out.

What about Cecelia, hmm?
Her bail's $ , .

I don't have that kind of cash,
and I know you don't.


Okay, I'll work on getting the money.

Just find Meemaw. She has a walker, Deb.

It's honestly embarrassing
we haven't found her yet.

You know, I don't understand
why we have to have

this conversation in our underwear.

Marriage is a really big decision,

and I feel like there's some
kind of internal struggle

- that you're dealing with.
- No.

Yeah, yeah, just an unstoppable desire.

It's undulating beneath your skin.

- Ah!

Oh, this is where the men are changing.

You fellas have the right idea.

Let's get out of these monkey suits

for as long as we can, right?

Oh, much better.


How we doing?

- Good.



♪ ♪





Is that communion wine?


I'm drunk.

In fact, I'm pretty f*cked up.

- What about the reading?
- Relax.

Love is...

I'm gonna need a refill.

Chelsea, I'm sure you're
still beautiful.

- No, I'm a monster!
- Oh, my...

Ah, hey! You can't...

Chelsea, stop it!

I'm coming in.




I'll get ice, lots of ice.


How am I supposed to get
the ice on my face?


The other bridesmaids?


- Congrats on your wedding.
- What are you doing?

Why aren't you getting ready with me?

She, uh... she's just... what
she's doing right now is,

- she's, um...
- I'm putting my face on ice.

It helps keep the skin tight.

I wanna be extra tight
for your wedding, girl.

Oh, okay, then.

Well, just come back as soon as you can.

- In the meantime, keep chilling.

- Good one.


Does it look any better?


Thank you for being here
for this blessed event.


Okay, bye-bye, now.

Crap, another
Bed Bath & Beyond gift card.

That's like saying, "Here,
enjoy buying the same shit

- you owned in college."
- Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

Whoa! [LAUGHS]

Okay, I found Meemaw,

but she's more hammered
than Nick Nolte on the PCH.


Well, I've already opened up
all the cards,

and we're still $ short
of making Cecelia's bail.


Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

Caroline, focus. We still need $ .

How am I supposed to focus

when I'm emotionally devastated, Deb?


You go keep Mary Louise busy.

I'll get some coffee to sober Meemaw up

and try to scrounge up
the rest of the cash.

I... I can't use the bathroom.

There's some burn victim
in there just screaming.

All right.

So now I'm selling bird cage furniture,

little ladders and hoops
and bells and things like that.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

John-Paul, you don't have
anything else you should be

- doing right now?
- No, no.

These days are more for the women.

Hey, there he is.

Matthew-John, Paul-Luke, come on in.

This is where the guys
are getting ready.

Take off your pants
and relax for a while.

Oh, thank God.

So nowadays it's more
than just little ladders

and bells and hoops and stuff
like that for birds.

They have all kinds of little,
like, dollhouse furniture.

The stuff is very exciting.

Hi, ladies.

Finally, one of you is back.

That altar must have been filthy.

Caroline, what's wrong?


You look like you've been crying.

Okay, I have been.

I just keep thinking about how
beautiful this all is, you know,

and how gorgeous you'll look
walking down the aisle

and what an amazing day this will be,

and that is why I'm crying.

- And Jesus will be there.

Now you've got me crying. Oh, honey.

- He will.
- Oh, Jesus!

- Praise You, Jesus!
- Oh, Jesus!

Yes, thank you, Jesus!

I mean, Jesus Christ!

- Jesus!
- Jesus!

- Oh, my God!
- Thank You, Jesus!

Hello, wedding guests.

Can I have your attention, please?



We are asking for donations
today for the maid of honor,

Chelsea Snap.


She was in a terrible f*re
at a Forever ,

and she saved all the
shoppers before herself.

She even still has part of a crop top

permanently melted into her back.

Oh, it's awful,

- awful, awful, awful, awful.
- Yeah, it really is.

So won't you please consider
making a contribution today

to help Chelsea pay
for all of the skin grafts?

Five bucks? You cheapskate.

She needs a new face.

Looks like a pizza without cheese.


It's really over.

I always held out hope that
someday we'd end up together,

but he's obviously moved on.

At least it's your life
and not your face.

Chelsea, you're gonna be fine.

Do you think I'll be fine?


[CRYING] Oh, my God!

Cecelia, help, help!

- I am, I am.
- Okay, okay.

All right, get this door.

Okay, we got the rings...
I mean, Cecelia.

Uh, now, everybody,
pull yourselves together.

I can't. I'm nothing to him!

Does this church have Wi-Fi?

I need to get an update
on the negotiations.

Uh, yeah, uh, the network
is I heart Jesus,

and the password is get
your head out of your ass.

- Now, move!
- Hello?

- Oh!
- Is anybody in here?

- Oh, you can't see us like this.

- You guys, what is going on?

I've barely seen any of you all day.

Sorry, bride-to-be.

We decided we wanted to wait
for you to see us

until the ceremony.

We thought it would be a nice surprise.

So don't you dare come in here.

I'm glad you explained.

I was starting to get pretty PO'ed.

You guys are so important to me.

It's not about the hair, the makeup,

the rings, or the dresses.

It's about each of you,

'cause this day wouldn't be
the same without all of you.


Okay, I don't wanna cry
all my makeup off.

I'm leaving.

♪ ♪


Okay, everyone.

I lost my chill for a minute there,

but I am back.

My little Christian
is getting married today,

and we are not gonna let her down.

Kyle, go grab our clothes and makeup.

Caroline, wipe away your tears
and get to your post.

Cecelia, take a whore's bath.

And, Meemaw, have you ever
heard of drunken IV?

We are gonna get you sober in no time.

It's go time! [LAUGHS]

- Caroline...
- I can't talk right now.

I'm not a common guest like you.

I'm a wedding attendant.

I'm in charge of very important
things like the mints.

I saw you crying earlier.
Is everything all right?

Do you have any idea how badly it hurt

not to be asked
to be in my friend's wedding,

and then on top of that to
have my ex-boyfriend saunter in

with the human equivalent of a Barbie?

Are you referring to Brenda?


At least there's something
ugly about her.

We're not romantically involved.

- Okay.
- She's my neighbor.

She's a lesbian athleisure
fashion designer.

- Ooh.
- But even if we were,

why would you care?

You made it clear
there was no future for us

when you didn't respond to my card.

What card?

The valentine I left on your desk.

I never got a valentine.

Then you don't know what I wrote?

I told you I wanted
to get back together.

As in past tense?

I still do.


Me too.



Do you know the only thing

that would make me happier right now?

- A butterfly nature walk?
- Yes.

But also you being in that
wedding like you deserve.

Here you go.

You can watch Netflix on my phone,

and you can have as much
of this chocolate as you want.



♪ One night changed my life forever ♪

♪ Two hearts, we were thrown together ♪

♪ in the backyard of a house ♪

♪ Do you remember? ♪

♪ You still take my breath away ♪

♪ With nothing but a smile ♪

♪ And every time I kiss you ♪

♪ It feels like the first time ♪

Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with truth

and always...

♪ ♪

Serve... Servaperes.

♪ ♪

I just threw up in my mouth
a little bit.

♪ Just dancing in the dark ♪

Mary Louise...

♪ ♪

I take you as my wife.

I vow to share my life
and everything with you.

You are my prayers answered.

♪ A f*re would have sparked ♪

♪ Just dancing in the dark ♪

And your friend was arrested.

You know, the one who
smells like Fritos.

And your headband friend
stole all the wedding money.

And then your burn victim
friend collected donations.

♪ You gotta get it ♪


Gotcha! Okay.

You know your face always
looks perfect to me,

no matter how disfigured it is.


Oh, I'm still a little
too sensitive there.

I'm so sorry.

But there's one place I wasn't injected.


Chelsea, I know what you did.

You do?

You toned down your makeup
so I would shine.

You truly are my best friend.


What the...


You looked so beautiful
walking down the aisle today,

Care Bear.

Thanks for taking charge like that.

Thanks for letting me.

I love you.

I love you too.

♪ ♪


♪ I click my fingers,
you close your eyes ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is now time
for the couple's first dance.



We did it, you guys.
Our girl got married,

and she didn't even know
what a hot mess it was.


Ladies, we're on strike.

♪ And there's a time to make it last ♪

Don't tell her.

Let her get screwed by Hot Dad

before she finds out
she got screwed by the state.

Show him your titties!

[WHISPERS] Your tits.



♪ This story won't come to an end ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ This time, I won't be played ♪

♪ This time, I'm out, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, no, I fell for you again ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I really like it, so I can't pretend ♪

- ♪ Hey ♪
- ♪ This story won't come to an end ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ This time, I won't be played ♪

♪ This time, I'm out ♪

♪ I'm out ♪
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