01x12 - Deep Chocolate

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Even Stevens". Aired June 17, 2000 - June 2, 2003.*
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Seventh-grader Louis, struggles to fit in at school and in his picture- perfect family.
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01x12 - Deep Chocolate

Post by bunniefuu »

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

As you can clearly see... (CHUCKLES)

with five people
using one phone line,

the telecommunication needs
of the female sibling,

namely me,
are just not being met.

Therefore, I am proposing that
I be given my own phone line.

Thank you. You've been
a very receptive audience.

So?

Well, honey, that was a
very convincing argument

but, oh, you know,
I would hold on to that graph

because it's just
about tornado time in...

three, two, one...

Nice footwork around the corners.

Why is it that everyone in this family
can be on time

but that lazy slug sleeps
till the last minute

then just runs down here
like a... tornado...

Honey, it wouldn't hurt
to be a little more positive

towards your brother.

But, Daddy...

he is so irritating
and if I don't say anything,

I'm afraid that my head
is going to explode.

Okay, Ren, how is this for incentive?

If you can not put your brother down
for a whole week,

-we will give you your own phone line.
-That's good.

-Really?
-EILEEN: Mmm-hmm.

-One week?
-Mm-hmm.

For a lifetime of privacy.

Deal.

Mom, Dad yeah, I almost forgot...
you guys got to sign

that permission slip
for the seventh-grade chocolate sale.

Mmm, it's...

I... I thought I had
it in my front pocket.

You do.

Your pants are on backwards!

Which is
a really stylin' look for you.

Really?

(SIGHS)

(BELL RINGING)

I can't believe we're missing English

for some stupid
chocolate sale assembly.

Ha-ha!

(SNARE DRUM PLAYING)

(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE)

MAN: (COUGHING)
k*ll the smoke.

k*ll the smoke! (COUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen

there are two types of people
in this world:

those who can sell chocolate
and those who wish they could.

Which one are you?

Who does this guy think he is?

I don't know, but I like his suit.

You are probably saying to yourself

"Hey, why would I want
to sell chocolate for my school?"

Well, I'll tell you.

First of all, you're going to be
in some pretty good company.

Shaquille O'Neal

star of the feature film Kazaam

sold chocolate.

Benjamin Franklin...

discovered electricity,

signed the Declaration
of Independence

and, uh... oh, yeah,

sold chocolate.

Zeus, the most powerful
of all the Greek gods...

come on, say it with me...

ALL: Sold chocolate.

That's right.

People, if that's not enough
to convince you,

then feast your eyes on the prize

which goes
to this school's top seller.

Ladies and gentlemen
of Lawrence Junior High

I present to you the very latest
in motorized scooter technology...

the AstroScoot XE!

Kids, this is one sweet ride.

Somebody sitting
in this auditorium right now

is going to go home
with this scooter.

Who's it going to be?
I'll tell you...

the person who believes
they can take a dream

and make it into a reality.

I want that scooter.

The person who believes
they were put on this earth

to sell chocolate.

That's why I'm here.

The person

who believes they can become

the number one seller of chocolate

in the history
of Lawrence Junior High!

I believe!

TWITTY:
Louis, I ain't fooling you, man.

Sandy totally likes me.

She ignores me all the time,
you know.

This one time in class
she was all...

Oh, baby

Oh, man...

You complete me.

Louis?

Louis, forget about the scooter, man.

You're never going to get it.

I heard that last year
Freddie Donaldson

had to sell boxes
just to get a water cannon.

So what? So, we'll team up,
and we'll sell boxes.

This puppy's ours, man.

Dude, I don't know...
that is a lot of chocolate.

Twitty, there are only
two kinds of people in this world:

those that sell chocolate and those

that ride around on scooters
like Benjamin Franklin.

Now, we have a chance
to make history happen here.

Have I ever steered you wrong?

(SCREAMING)

Do you really want me to answer that?

Come on, man, we're a great team.
We're a great team.

Remember when we b*at that, uh

that two-man water slide record
at Tube Town? Remember?

Oh, yeah, man... most times
through the Portal of Doom

-without throwing up.
-Throwing up.

There's only one thing better
than winning this scooter...

sharing it with my best friend.

Okay, dude, I'll do it.
Just don't touch me, all right?

Who's the man? You're the man.

(LOUIS LAUGHS)

Are you staring at my scooter?

Is he staring at our scooter?

LOUIS: (ON PHONE)
Can I talk to Mr. Jones, please?

Mr. Jones? Hi.

Uh, this is Louis Stevens
from Real Good Chocolate Industries

and one of my associates
will be in your neighborhood...

tomorrow morning, uh, selling
the world's finest chocolate.

Excuse me...

Mm-hmm.

That's what I said...
tomorrow morning, sir.

Louis, I need to speak to you now.

Uh, sir, could you hold on a second?

My secretary, Miss Crabby Pants
has a question for me.

Ah-ha-ha! That's so funny.

Thank you, sir.

Louis, I was just wondering,
not in a negative way

or to put you down or anything,

but are you ever going
to get off the phone?

Short answer... No. No.

See, I have a big fish on the line.

I just... I got to reel him in.

Uh, hi, Mr. Jones. It's me again.

Right. So... so can I
put you down for, uh, a dozen boxes?

Oh, oh, oh, chocolate makes
you break out in hives.

Well, uh, you could just...

you could just wear a red shirt
and go with it, huh?

-(DIAL TONE)
-Hello?

Can I use the phone now?

No, you can't. Maybe next week.

'Cause, uh, me and Twitty
got to sell boxes of chocolate.

Four hundred boxes?

Louis, you actually think
that you're going to sell boxes?

You are a total and complete...

Hi, kids.

...inspiration... to all of us.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Go get 'em, Tiger.
(PLAYFUL GROWL)

So then... so then
I hand you the chocolate,

you eat it, and then you say...

"It's a miracle.

"I can see again."

-No, that's not what you say.
-No?

No, it's not. See, 'cause you
were blind, and now you can see.

That's a miracle - you can see now.

So, you got to be energetic
and pumped, right?

-Yeah.
-So, what did Mr. Randall say?

Do you remember?

He said, "You got to make me feel
that chocolate has changed your life."

-Right?
-Okay.

It's a miracle!

(GASPS)

(CRYING) I can see again!

No, that's too much, man.

-Oh, okay.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'm going to get the doorbell.

Um, uh... you keep rehearsing.

It's somewhere in
between there, though. It's good.

Oh, the chocolate's here!

Chocolate... oh, you could
put it right over there.

Thank you, man.

-Chocolate. Wow.
-Yeah.

Hey there, hi there, ho there.

Oh, Mr. Randall,
you brought it yourself?

Guys, when I heard the news,
I had to come down here

and personally congratulate you two.

You are attempting a brave,
brave thing.

Well, I think that we were born
to sell chocolate.

That's the attitude.

Keep it coming, guys. Come on.

Dude, uh... that's
an awful lot of chocolate.

Eight hundred boxes!

Well, I mean,
we're going to try to sell...

Uh... boxes?

Because I only ordered .

Uh... Louis?

So did I.

So, I ordered ...

and then you ordered .

Which makes boxes
of the finest grade "A"

artificially flavored chocolate
that money... can buy.

Obviously, there's been a mistake,
see, 'cause...

we really can't sell
this much chocolate, sir.

Oh-ho, yes, you can, and you will
and you know why?

Because I believe in you guys
and also because,

if you read the fine print
in the forms your parents signed,

you'll see that you are
financially responsible

for each and every box
of chocolate that you ordered.

Good luck, fellas.
Remember, when you write the check,

it's Randall with the two L's, okay?

Two L's, all right? Guys...

what do you say we go get
some, uh, hot wings, huh?

Who's buying? (SNAPPING FINGERS)

So, you guys got your
boxes of chocolate?

-Eight hundred boxes...
-Eight hundred.

You know, 'cause there was kind
of a little mix-up, 'cause...

Wait a second.
You are stuck with all those boxes?

When you say it like that
it kind of sounds like a bad thing.

And we have to pay for it all

-whether we sell it or not.
-Mm-hmm.

How much money do you have
in your college fund?

I see what you're trying to do.

You are purposely screwing up

so I'm going to put you down
and then I won't get my phone.

-What are you talking about?
-Not going to fall for it.

Uh-uh. No. In fact,
I'm going to stay positive.

I'm going to be happy
and think happy thoughts.

I'm going to sing!

(SINGING) La, la-la

La, la... la!

Louis, we're in deep... chocolate.

Shh! Don't even.

What were you thinking?

You ordered an extra
boxes of chocolate?

I just thought
that if I ordered them...

You don't think,
that's what you don't do

'cause I'm the brains of this team.

Yeah, and who made you the boss?

That's how it always is...
all the great duos.

Batman, he rescues people
and-and... and Robin...

Robin... checks with Batman
before he orders boxes of chocolate!

Oh, oh, okay, so...
so then it's my fault

whenever your
stupid schemes backfire?

At least I think of schemes.

I say you take your boxes
and I'll take mine.

-Well, then take them.
-I'm taking them.

-Go ahead. Get them.
-I...

(GRUNTING)

I just can't...
take them all at once.

Twitty

you couldn't even give
that many boxes of chocolate away.

I can... and I will.

Well, then this partnership is over.

This friendship is over.

Then get out.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

(ALARM STOPS)

(GROANS)

: a.m. Must sell chocolate.

-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-(TAPPING SOUND)

That's why I've been having those
dreams about k*ller woodpeckers.

Louis, we've been tap- dancing
for a month now.

Yeah, it's our new Saturday
morning family project.

Yeah, and tap dancing is great
for the basketball footwork.

And Grandma says
the dames really dig it.

So, what do you think, Louis?

Oh, don't worry. I won't tell
your friends you're doing this.

Thank you.

So, why are you up so early?

Oh, the world needs chocolate.

And I need my parking space back.

I wish you'd asked me before you put

all those boxes of chocolate
in the garage.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Please, I'm not gonna tell you again.
Get them out of there.

Okay, I will. I'll have them
sold in no time.

Louis, aren't you working
with Alan Twitty?

Yeah, well, me and Twitty
had creative differences

because I'm creative
and he's different.

Besides, you think Ben Franklin

needed help from Albert Einstein
when he was selling chocolate?

Louis, you can't sell all
that chocolate by yourself.

Why not? Mr. Randall thinks I can.

At least he believes in me.

I believe in you!

STEVE: That a girl.

Oh, Louis, you know, you really
should have told me this

before I bought six candy bars
from Alan Twitty.

Twitty's been here already?

Real Good Chocolate Industries.

(SNORING)

(GASPS)

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks.

Hi. I'm Louis Stevens from next door.

I took the liberty
of letting myself in.

I am so glad you're laying down
right now. You know why?

Because I have an amazing offer
that will knock you off your feet.

A little shy in the morning?

Just nod how many
chocolate bars you want.

-One...
-(NOISE OUTSIDE)

TWITTY: Come and get your chocolate.
Come on.

(BEDSPRINGS BOINGING)


TWITTY:
Get your chocolate, come on!

(BELL RINGING)

Twitty!

(CLAMORING)

(BEDSPRINGS BOINGING)

Ah!

Sorry to interrupt,
but it seems to me

you girls could use an energy boost
about now, right?

We could use our ball back about now.

All right, we're going to do
a little taste-test.

-Have we ever met, ma'am?
-No.

Well, uh, why don't you go ahead
and take a bite out of that, hmm?

So, is that the best
chocolate bar you've ever eaten?

That's not the best
chocolate bar I've ever eaten.

Too bad. You ate it.
You owe me a buck, hmm? Who's next?

(PLAYING HEAVY METAL
GUITAR RIFF)

Welcome to Chocopalooza!

Check out the other Chocolate Guy!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Twitty!

Girls, please, don't crowd.

There's plenty for everyone.

Check out the other Chocolate Guy!

Step right up!

Buy chocolate
from the One-Man Circus!

Louis, hi. I didn't know
you could ride a unicycle.

I can't.

(THUD)

(GROANS)

So, you want to buy some chocolate?

Uh-uh, no. Forget it.

I'm not buying from either of you.

Oh. Why?

Well, first of all,
it tastes like dirt.

Right.

Yeah, and second of all,
I'm boycotting chocolate

because you're ruining
your friendship

over some stupid sale.

Well, can you just buy one
so I can meet my quota?

-What's your quota?
-One.

Wait a second.

You've been selling chocolate all day
and you haven't sold one?

-Yeah.
-Twitty's been raking it in.

Yeah, I know,
but I'm not gonna give up.

It's like that old saying:

"If you fall off your unicycle,
you get right back on."

Unless the angry clown wants it back.

It was her, I swear!

(GROWLS)

Okay.

Donnie, you've been in there
for two hours. Come out!

(SHOWER RUNNING)

(SIGHS)

Hey, Rennie, what's up?

Why do you have sunglasses on?

To hold my cucumbers up. Duh.

What are you doing in there?

I created my own steam room
for total body purification.

You know I got a pimple
from that chocolate?

You know, I'd send you an "I'm
sorry about your pimple" card

except I need
to brush my teeth first.

Yeah, hold on.

Here you go.

I-It's melted.

How did you get it so hot in there?

I took the safety switch
off the hot water heater

and turned it up to full power.

I can boil a lobster
in the toilet bowl now. (LAUGHS)

Weirdo.

(STEAM WHISTLING)

Hey, Louis, tell Mom and Dad I went
to the store to get a new toothbrush.

Can you get me aspirin?
I've got a splitting headache.

What are you doing?

I'm desperate, so I'm going
for the sympathy angle.

Who wouldn't buy chocolate from a kid

who's got a fence post
through his head?

If I wasn't a phone-loving,
positive person,

I just might say something.

What is that?!

It tastes like dirt.

It's my chocolate!

(GRUNTS)

-Oh...
-(GROANING)

Ren, help me!

REN: Wha-wha...?

How exactly do you stop chocolate?

Get the broom! Get the broom!
Get the rake!

Stop dripping.

Here. Here.

You put your chocolate next
to the hot water heater!

I'm starting to think
that's a bad thing.

This is not working.

Yes, it is.

-We've got to eat it!
-No way.

Yes. You go first.

Louis, did you finally get that
chocolate out of the garage?

I'm working on it.

Because it'd be nice
to park my car in...

Whoa! Louis!

LOUIS: Dad!

Not to change the subject,
but did I get any mail?

Hey! How's my top salesman...

Is that your chocolate?

I thought we could move
more of it in liquid form.

Listen, kid, I think you
better pay me right now.

I don't have the money.

Don't make me take legal action.
I've sued third graders.

So, you're going to sue my son, huh?

I may be covered in chocolate,
but I happen to be an attorney.

I'm not afraid of you.

Nobody can touch Wallace Randall.

Whoa!

Let me tell you something, Randall.

I've been researching

your Chocolate Pyramid of Success,
Incorporated

and as far as I can tell,

none of the profits
have even made it back to schools.

Wait... I got to pay for
the wrappers, the cardboard boxes,

the fancy foil wrapper things...
That stuff adds up.

You've exploited and manipulated
children for too long.

You're going to get your money back

but if I ever find you
running another chocolate sale,

I will bring you up on charges
of fraud, embezzlement...

and selling crummy chocolate!

-Fair enough.
-REN: Dad...

-that was incredible.
-Yeah, unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Dad, thank you
for getting me off the hook.

Off what hook?

For the next few months

you're going to be doing chores
around here

to pay for that chocolate.

Starting with cleaning up this mess!

(GROANS)

Go ahead. Call me any name you want.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

(PANTING)

Louis, ask me that again in hours.

Ew!

Hey, what's up, man?

What's up?

(GROANS)

So, you won, huh?

TWITTY: Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I heard about your meltdown.

My dad and Randall were slipping
all over. It was crazy.

I wanted to say something.

Oh, um, I'm sorry
about what happened and,

and it's all my fault.

Yeah, I guess it was.

No, see, that's not what
you're supposed to say, man.

See, I say, "Look, I'm sorry."

Then you say, "No, don't be sorry.
It was my fault."

Then we say, "Oh, no, please,
it was both our faults." See?

Well, I was just trying
to shortcut the whole thing,

so you could have
a ride on my scooter.

So, we're still friends, right?

Dude...

So, you want to take her around?

I don't know... I've got
a lot of work to do. See that?

-I could cover you.
-Thanks, man.

-Just a quick one. Here.
-Okay.

Hey, Louis, I said a quick ride!

You're coming right back, right?

Yeah, so I finally got my own
private phone line. Yeah. (LAUGHS)

But it was so brutal.

I had to be nice to my brother
for a whole week.

Ugh, yeah, you know Louis.

But it was worth it for total privacy.

And, speaking of privacy...

REN: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER)
Now, what I'm about to tell you

is top secret.

So, whatever you do, just keep
this between you and me.

(VOICE ECHOING) I have a major crush
on Bobby Deaver...

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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