01x16 - Luscious Lou

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

What is Mr. Pookie doing out here?

(SCREAMS)

Ren, what are you doing up there?

Two words: Louis Stevens!

Okay, calm down, Ren, let's not

automatically assume
that Louis built this

rather ingenious contraption.

What's that?

"Louis' Homemade Jungle Traps."

Need more proof?

No. I think we've found our culprit.

Daddy, I know that sending
Louis to m*llitary school

seems just a little bit harsh,

but tough love
is our only alternative.

Louis is not going
to m*llitary school.

It's too expensive.

Well, I am sick of his dirty tricks

and I am going to get him back
if it's the last thing I do.

Ren, please, calm down.
I'm the father, let me handle this.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Ren!

You go, girl!

Help!

(BELL RINGING)

LOUIS: So, my dad says
I have too much time on my hands

and I've got to start using it
for good instead of evil.

So, he's making me start doing
an after-school activity.

Like what?

I don't know, sports.
Football, maybe.

Dude, you're too small.
What if you did, like, swimming?

No. I've seen Louis swim.

He has to wear arm floaties
in the shallow end.

-I know how to swim.
-What about cross country?

No, he gets cramped up and winded
just from tying his shoes.

Hey, what if you did hockey?

Guys, there's helping
and then there's hurting.

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

-(SLURPING)
-LOUIS: Is that Coach Tugnut?

Sir, I was wondering, could you
put me on a sports team or something?

Any team is fine.

Oh, sir...

What do you weigh, Stevens?
About , ?

Uh, uh, uh, that's
a personal question, Coach.

We need somebody
in that weight class.

Congratulations, Stevens.

You just made the wrestling team.

I did?

(CHUCKLING)

Uh, Coach, I can't wrestle.
I'm already on the basketball team.

I know.

I just haven't seen you in a while.
Thought I'd lift you up.

That was interesting.

STEVE: Hey, Ren.

Check out all these old photos
I found in the basement.

Oh, cool.

-No! Dad! Oh!
-What?

Please don't sit there.

-Why?
-It's rigged for Louis.

Very good.
Rigged for Louis. I like that.

Oh, who is this strange person?

Oh, that's when I was in college.

Everyone in my fraternity had to
try and break a world record.

I attempted the record
for continuous teeth brushing.

Daddy, you and Mom did
a bunch of things before we were born

that you don't ever
have to talk about, okay?

Yeah, okay. Ah, there's old Lou.
Never the shy one.

And he still watches TV that way.

(CHUCKLES)
He does.

-It's very disturbing.
-It is.

So, where is Louis?

It's his first day
of wrestling practice.

Yeah, if he's anything like his old man,
he's gonna be a good grappler.

I ever tell you I took third place
in the city championships?

Many times, Dad.

-Did I?
-Mm-hmm.

-What's up, guys?
-Hey, Donnie. How are you?

-Oh, old photos.
-Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Who's the dork
with the toothbrush?

(SCREAMS)

Ooh.

I got to lay off the desserts.

But before we get to those fingertip
push-ups with a partner on your back,

let me introduce the newest member
of our team, Louis Stevens.

Stevens, you might want to lose

-the gardening gloves.
-Oh.

Okay, let's get started.

LOUIS: Sir, sir, um,

if you don't mind,
I'd like to say something, okay?

-No.
-Thank you.

Now, I'd just like to say, first off,

what an honor it is
to be on the wrestling team

and that although I've never gotten
hit in the back of the head

with a folding chair, I'll try to
make it look "as real as possible."

-Stevens...
-LOUIS: And I'd like to

run a few wrestling names
for myself by you.

I've narrowed it down to "Luscious Lou"
and "Texas Joe Hot Dog."

How about this one?
"The Kid Who Chaps My Rear End."

I don't know, Coach,
it doesn't really sing.

You got something else?

Sit down, Stevens.
This isn't pro wrestling.

You pull that stuff on the mat,

you'll be disqualified so fast
your nose strip will spin.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(FAINT WHISTLE BLOW)

Ooh.

Look, the coach is shaving his legs.

Okay, Stevens, you pinned him.
Now, let him up.

-I did?
-Yeah.

Cool. Come on, bro.
You're a good kid.

Hit the showers, huh?

Good technique, Stevens.

Kind of reminds me
of your brother, Donnie.

He had that warrior spirit, too.

Warrior spirit, huh?

-Mm.
-I feel it.

Well, save that spirit for Friday

for our match
against Lane Junior High.

They got a kid in your weight
class who's pretty good...

-Nagurski.
-Please.

(CHUCKLES)
My money's on you.

(GROWLING)

I'm a quiet snake.
I'm a quiet snake.

I just come up, I go... (HISSES)
And then they're on the floor.

See, Nagurski, he...
He... He can't mess with me.

Look at these pipes.

He's just going to go down.
He's just going to fall on the floor.

Hey. You guys on the wrestling team?

Yeah. Louis Stevens, Olympic hopeful.

Mimi Nagurski, destroyer of dreams.

Nagurski?

I like to meet my competition
before I b*at them.

You're... You're a girl...
and I'm... wrestle with...

Good grammar.

Well, see you tomorrow.
Get a good night's sleep.

You're going to need it.

Can you imagine losing to a girl?
(LAUGHS)

This isn't good.

Not good.

So, what do you think, man?
You think I should wrestle her or...

You know what
a win-win situation is, right?

Yeah.

Okay, well, this is just like that,
you know, except it's lose-lose.

That's great.

Well, see, Lou, the way I look at it
is if you b*at her, so what?

Everybody's going
to laugh at you anyways.

And then if you lose...

you might as well dig a hole
to the center of the Earth...

unless there's girls there

and then they'll probably want
to b*at the snot out of you, too.

You remember my whole speech
about helping and hurting?

-Oh, yeah, hurting.
-Yeah, hurting.

Hurting. Sorry.

Here, help me with this.

So, are you going to quit the team?

LOUIS: I don't know.

No. I love it, so...
So I'm not going to.

I've been working out really hard,
and I like the sport.

Plus, my dad's really into me
being on the team, so...

STEVE: Hey, boys!

(CHUCKLES)

Look what I found down
in the basement.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Yeah, yeah, was there
a bathrobe in there, too, huh?

I am so proud of you, son.

-Working so hard, making the team.
-Yeah.

I thought you might want
to go over some moves

with your old man before dinner, huh?

-Oh, okay. Moves.
-Watch this.

Escape, one point.

That's great, Dad.

Yeah.

TWITTY:
What time you gotta wrestle tomorrow?

: .

I'll see you there an hour early.

Why?

Oh, just I figure that

when everyone in school
finds out about this,

it'll probably be standing room only.

-That was hurting again, wasn't it?
-It was hurting. Yes, it was.

Hurt... Sorry.

-All right, see you later.
-Later, bro.

(COUGHS)

"Hot tasty brownies.
Stay away, Louis."

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.

Good plan.

Boy, did you see the number

Louis and Dad had done
on that Buddha lamp?

Hey! Brownies.

Oh, no, Donnie, don't...

(SPITTING)

What is going on around here?

The other day I fell through a chair.

Yesterday I walk into Louis's room

and a bag of water
hits me in the face

and then ten minutes ago,
I sit on the can

and there's maple syrup on the seat.

If I didn't know any better,

I would think someone
is out to get me, Ren.

No, somebody is out to get Louis.

Aw, man, him, too?

Ren, you'd better watch out.
You might be next.

Donnie, it's me.
I have been doing all of those things.

And this is all your fault!

All I have been trying to
is get you back

for all those mean jokes
that you play on me,

but I cannot keep up
and I just give up.

You're an evil genius.

Thank you.

(HUFFING)

Hey, bro, you've got schmutz
on your face.

-Thanks.
-Yep.

Hey, uh, little man,
you don't want to eat that.

How come?

You're in training, Louis.

Do you know how many fat calories
are in one fudge bar?

Um...

No. There's freezer junk
all over the label.

Well, trust me, there's tons.

I mean, Louis, come on.
You're on the wrestling team now.

You got to be careful
about what you eat.

Otherwise you might jump up
to the next weight class.

So what?

I won't have to wrestle
the person I'm wrestling.

I've got hours
to gain nine pounds.

They're no good.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

Pour it all over.

(SLURPS)

-Stop, bro.
-TWITTY: Here.

Hey, Louis.

(GASPS)

How you doing, man?
You've been eating all night.

You know, Twitty...

I don't feel any heavier, man.

-Uh, Louis...
-LOUIS: What's wrong?

I, uh, think it all went to your, uh...
right... in... here.

LOUIS:
What? What are you talking about?

This... This area.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

Oh!

(FARTING)

(LOUIS GRUNTING)

-LOUIS: Whoa!
-(KNOCKS)

Come on, Louis, you've been
in there for an hour.

What are you doing?

-LOUIS: You don't want to know.
-(POPPING NOISES)

Better use the bathroom
over at the gas station.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(COUGHS)

Must have gained
a little weight, Coach.

Wait a minute.

Oh.

Stevens, you have
two frying pans around your neck.

I do?

One-hundred-five pounds on the button.

Nice work, Stevens.
You must be eating sensibly.

(BELCHES)

And you're a class act, too.

Next.

(CHUCKLES) Looks like
your top fighter's getting a little beefy.

A hundred and twenty-three pounds!
(CHUCKLES)

Th... This can't be.

Oh, thought I saw a bug.

One-hundred-five.

You know,
I was just going to b*at you,

but because of that little prank,
I'm going to make you cry.

Oh, no.

It could happen.

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Come on, let's shake.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE)

Woo!

Yeah!

Next up,
Mimi Nagurski versus Louis Stevens.

Does Louis know
he's wrestling a girl?

I'm pretty sure he knows.

Well, it doesn't matter
who he's wrestling.

Louis is going to make us proud.

Last call for Louis Stevens.

Where is Louis?

(GROWLING)

Hello, Sacramento!

I'm Luscious Lou.

I love you.

(LAUGHTER IN THE AUDIENCE)

I'm Luscious Lou and I love you, sir.

Yes, yes, there is love in my heart.

Proud now, Dad?

What's he doing?

LOUIS: I have enough love for everyone.
There's no hate, no hate.

There's no hate, just love.

That's all. That's...
That's all I can give.

Now, I terminated The Exterminator.

I put Handsome Steve Fox
in an ugly box.

That rhymed.

This is my fault.

At least when he was building traps
he was doing it in private.

Prediction:

You're going down, missy,
because I am Luscious Lou.

That's who I am. I'm Luscious Lou.

Luscious Lou! Luscious Lou!

Luscious Lou! Luscious Lou!
Luscious Lou!

-(LAUGHING)
-Just knock it off.

I told you that stuff was going
to get you disqualified.

See, that's what he's trying to do.

You're pathetic.

What?

-(MICROPHONE SQUEAKS)
-Oh, no.

What... What'd you say?

I know your type.

You don't have the guts
to give me a fair fight

'cause you're afraid what your
friends will think if you lose to a girl.

-(CHUCKLES)
-What a weenie.

A weenie, huh? Hey, Nagurski...

let's dance.

You got it.

Go, Louis!

Attaboy!

Shake hands.

Stevens, you might want
to lose the belt.

Oh, right.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Come on, son, take him down!

Her down!

Boy, girl, it doesn't matter.
Take that person down!

Yeah, you go, brother!

An... And go, sister!

I don't know who to root for.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Come on, Lou!

Attaboy!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERING)

Ten seconds.

One, two, three.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERING)

Louis!

Good going, boy!

And the winner, Louis Stevens!

(APPLAUSE)

Way to go, Louis.
You'll get him next time, Mimi.

There's some complex issues here.

Now you can face your friends
'cause you didn't lose to a girl.

Girl? You're not a girl.

I mean, you are a girl,
but you're like Xena.

Uh... you're...
You're a great wrestler.

Thanks. You, too.

-(GROANS)
-Well, Louis...

Are you okay?
Do you need help standing up?

No, I'm... I'm fine.

I'm going to sit here
and reflect on the match,

'cause I'm a reflective guy
at heart, you know.

Great job, both of you.

Hey, how about we go
get some ice cream?

-You wanna come along, Mimi?
-Thanks. I'll go change.

Good.

Hey, hit the showers, son.
We'll see you in the car.

(GROANS)

Nice match, Stevens.

You think so?
Thank you, sir.

You, uh... need a lift?

Yup.

You're a gracious soul.

(LOUIS GROANING)

Hey, you...
You lost a little weight there, Stevens.

LOUIS: Ow.

Hey, Ren.

-Oh, hey.
-Big news day?

Yeah. And actually
I've been waiting for you.

-You made the front page.
-No way.

Because of my big wrestling victory?

I think it's a pretty
good picture of you.

Aw, geez!

(LAUGHS)

Gotcha!

Nobody saw your
naked little buttocks.

I remember you saying
you weren't going to get me back.

Oh, well, uh,
who is the evil genius now?

(GASPS)

What? Who?
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

I'm sorry.
You can have your papers back.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)