03x09 - Thanksgiving Guest

[bunniefuu]

Here is a partial list

of all the items
destroyed in the fire.

As you can see, the garage
is almost a total loss.

Although it does free
up the weekend I set aside

to organize it.

Yeah.

Uh...you see, my nephew C.J.
was deep frying a Turkey --

excuse me,
am I keeping you?

You are the insurance adjuster.
This is your job, isn't it?

I'm sorry, it's the day
after Thanksgiving.

I got a Turkey sandwich waiting
at home with my name on it.

Well, I have
leftovers here.

I'm sure they're
not as good --

all right,
you twisted my arm.

Bridget, C.J., this is frank,
the insurance adjuster.

He's here to help us file
our claim for the fire.

Don't forget to tell him
about my new car that
was in the garage.

And I had $ , cash
in the glove compartment.

I understand you were
deep frying a Turkey

and the oil caught fire.

Sir, that is a lie!

And I will not stand for that
kind of character assassination!

I am a man of --
C.J. --

I already told him that
the Turkey fryer exploded.

Oh...well, yeah.

Okay, let me just
put this in the micro

for seconds.

Do we have any idea what caused
the Turkey fryer to explode?

Let me think.

I keep going over yesterday
in my head.

Oops.

I'm sorry.

Are you sure there's nothing
I can do?

No, the whole point was to give
you Thanksgiving off.

Your job is to relax
and do nothing.

Which, by the way,
is harder than it looks.

No one puts in the hours
like you do.

Mom...you're in
my work area.

Well...all right, fine.

If anybody wants me,
I'll just be relaxing
in the living room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not in the living room.

That's where I'm gonna
deep fry the Turkey.

In the living room?
Everybody, listen up.

If anyone bumps this fryer

and oil spills
in the propane flame,

there's gonna be
an expl*si*n so big

even grandpa
might hear it.

So I can't let anyone in here
with something this dangerous.

Every possible precaution
has to be taken.

Wouldn't it be safer
to do it outside?

Are you high?
It's freezing out there.

I said it's
freezing out there!

Fine.

You guys having fun?

Oh, come on,
grab that!

That's supposed to be
our best receiver.

He couldn't catch
a disease in a...

Horribly cold place.

Excuse me!

This was left within
my t.F.S.P. --

Turkey fryer
safety perimeter.

Anything left inside
must be either removed...

Or d.F.'D.

Deep fryed!
Stay close, people.

What happened to the new
football I gave you?

Principal gibb
confiscated it.

Gibb.

What'd you do?

Nothing.

You must have
done something.

Sure, stick up
for your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Fine -- man toy.

I'm not dating ed gibb...

Or making him my man toy.

Why not go out with gibb?
Huh?

He seems like
a cool guy.

He is a cool guy.
He's actually a great guy.

It's just -- he's --

I don't know,
he's too...

Mean.
Wimpy.

Goofy.
Annoying.

Impotent.

C.J., you said you
liked him.

I did, I just jumped in.
It looked like fun.

Shh! Fourth and ,
they're gonna go for it.

Come on, lions.
Come on.

You think it's gonna help your
team by fondling your hat?

I'm tapping!

I only fondle
during overtime.

Hey, the picture went out!

Heaven's sakes.

Maybe you should
fondle the TV.

Fondle the TV?
This isn't baseball season!

Okay, after the apples
we add a something of butter.

A stitch?

God, grandma's handwriting
is so bad.

Wait, wait -- a stink.
A stink of butter.

What? No, it says
a stick of butter.

Oh...no.
Pretty sure it says "stink."

It says "stick."
Just go take it out.

Sounds like you're the one that
needs to take out the stick.

Let's each just
make our own pies.

Fine by me.
Give me that!

You don't need it.
You can't even read.

Well, you can't reach!

Are you girls fighting?

I'm just training her, mom.
Jump, scruffy, jump!

We're fine, mom!
Everything is under control.

The fryer!

False alarm!
False alarm!

Nothing to worry about!

I just need this
and maybe this.

Please, isn't there
something that I can do?

Okay, fine, we need something
from the store.

Yes, we do. We need...

Va-- is that a "g"?

"N" -- vanilla.

I'm not even gonna tell you
what I thought that said.

Ed?

Cate? Hi!

Happy Thanksgiving.
You, too.

What are you doing here?

Well, my kids are at home
making the whole dinner.

They just made up some errand
to get me out of the house.

I just love this holiday.
What's your family doing?

Well, my kids
are skiing in vail

with my ex and their
new stepfather, Marc.

Marc with a "c."
Like I care.

But it's good.
It's very good.

Well, it's not that good,
but it's...

It's pretty good.

Well, if you're alone,

why don't you come
to my house for dinner?

No, no, I wouldn't
want to impose.

Come on, it's no trouble.

Just follow me.
I'm in the blue minivan.

That's really sweet,
Cate, but I'm fine.

One of the benefits
of being single again

is that I've become extremely
handy in the kitchen.

I intend to make myself quite
the Thanksgiving feast.

Are these your
Turkey dogs?

Well, yes, they are.
Thanks.

Bet they're not eating
like this in vail.

Uh...blue minivan.

I'll be right behind you.

Cate, wait, wait.

It was lovely of you
to invite me to dinner,

but are you sure
this is a good idea?

I am your kids'
high-school principal.

That doesn't mean
they don't like you.

And your father did
punch me in the nose.

That doesn't mean
he doesn't like you.

Oh, look, ed.

We both know that that
was a misunderstanding.

Come on, you're welcome
in my home,

and I'm sure my family
feels the same way.

Hi, everybody.

Look who I brought home
for Thanksgiving. Hi!

Oh, and I thought this
was going to be awkward.

Ed, why don't you
go to the restroom.

But I don't have to --
it's right over there.

This is not the way we treat
guests in this house.

Mom, you were supposed
to pick up vanilla.

You don't get much more
vanilla than ed gibb.

We're sorry, but you brought our
principal back to the house.

Get used to it.
He's her man toy now.

All right, I've had it!
We're just friends.

Look, he's here because
he had nowhere else to go,

so when he comes out, I want
everyone to say something nice.

Hey, you nose seemed
to have healed up nicely.

Principal gibb, welcome.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I got a wing
with your name on it.

Don't get carried away.

Rory?

Nice day for football.

I'm sorry,
he's still upset

'cause you took away
his football.

He drop-kicked it
across the cafeteria

and into a vat
of chocolate pudding.

I'll go talk to him.

So, um...Need any
help there?

Are you some kind
of engineer?

No, I --
so what, then?

You think I need help
because I'm old?
No, I really --

well, let me tell you
something, college boy.

If you hit me again,

I am not coming
for Christmas.

Come on, C.J.,

just throw the ball with me
for five minutes.

Do I look like I have time
for tomfoolery?

Ed, you sure I can't
get you something?

Oh, no, I'm fine.
I'm just watching the game.

You're watching
a broken TV.

I'm a lions' fan --
it's less painful this way.

Actually, I'm just sitting here
thinking about

all the things I'm grateful
for this holiday.

My kids, my job,
my health...

And you, Cate.

Me? Why me?

You've been a good friend.

You take me
into your home,

you show me warmth
and hospitality.

Out of my chair!

Ew! Your filling sucks!

Yours smells like
a wet dog.

Is there a problem?

There is one crust
and there are two fillings.

And the pie crust
is gonna be mine.

No, the pie crust is mine!

Girls, stop fighting.

I am now refereeing
a pie fight.

I feel like the mother
of amish teens.

I'm okay.

Uh, dad, maybe you want
to unplug that first.

Oh, relax, Cate.

These little zaps
make me feel alive.

Fireflies!

I'm gonna go
keep an eye on him.

Principal gibb,
we need your help.

You can decide whose filling
goes in the crust.

Me?
Someone has to decide.

Well...
Close your eyes...

So you don't know whose
filling you're tasting.

What am I tasting here?
Cherry?

Cranberry apple.

No, I'm probably not the
right person for this.

It'll be really
helping us out.

We're just trying to make
the right pie...For our mom.

All right, okay,
let's do this.

Open wide.

Now try the good one -- mine.
I mean, the other one.

Mom...
What's wrong?

It's just sometimes...

Cranberries and I
don't agree.

Are you allergic
to Cranberries?

Ish --
I'm allergic-ish.

I'll be okay.

I need to sit down and
get my adrenaline sh*t.

Ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah.

Shouldn't you get back
out there with the fryer?
Yeah.

His head's all normal again.
I'm out of here.

You didn't bring another
adrenaline sh*t, did you?

'Cause you still didn't
try my cranberry filling.

Honey, nobody is having
cranberry filling.

You and your sister
go out to the garage,

get a couple of frozen pies.

And ed, why would you
eat Cranberries

if you knew
you were allergic?

The reaction is usually
much milder than that,

and the girls really wanted
to make you a great pie,

and I wanted to help.

That is so sweet
and so thoughtful...

It's the least
I could do.
And really,
really dumb.

You know, I am your boss.

So sweet,
so thoughtful.

What are you doing?!

The ball just rolled in.

This thing's like a torpedo
heading at that fryer.

All right, fine.
Perimeter!

Kerry: C.J., you would
never believe

what we saw between
mom and gibb.

"So sweet,
so thoughtful."

"You saved my life.
Kiss me."

And then they were all giggly
and acting like a couple.

Yeah, so what?

He's a durwood.
It's wrong
on a million levels.

There are two main problems
with principal gibb --

one, he's our principal,
and two, he's gibb.

I suppose that's a good reason
not to like him.

I was just thinking
how that "durwood"

seems to make
your mom happy.

Aah!

Mom, since principal gibb
is gonna live and stuff,

can you throw
the ball with me?

Uh, not now, honey.

Great -- I can't play football,
I can't watch football...

This Thanksgiving
totally blows.

Now, that one --
that was a strong one.

All right, dad, that's it.

You don't know
what you're doing!

Man:
With seconds to go...

You fixed it!

Not too bad for a guy who
doesn't know what he's doing.

seconds
and they're down by four!

Man: And it all comes down
to the final play.

Lions, working
from the colts' .

What are you doing?

It's a ritual.
I have to hop or --

that's the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.

Like fondling your hat
is gonna help!

It's tapping.

Man: Lions, working from
the colts' .

Harrington takes the snap.

He's in the pocket.
No one's open.

He lofts a hail Mary.
Touchdown!

Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

Hopping, huh?
Tapping?

It seems to work.
What are you doing next sunday?

Come on, Rory.
Let's throw that thing around.

I don't know.
Come on, come on.

I played football
in high school.

How can I say no
to that?

You see that?

Grandpa's getting along
with ed.

Weird -- maybe those zaps
shocked the grumpy out of him.

Yeah, um...
About principal gibb --

we wouldn't be completely
nauseated and freaked out

if you wanted
to date him.

That's so sweet...

And very beautifully put.

However --

all we're saying is we like
that he makes you smile.

You like what you
see out there?

Oh, now you're gonna tell me
that I like him, too?

He did eat the pie of death
for you.

Ed: Nice catch, Rory!

Not a bad guy,
that gibb.

Dad!
What happened to gibb.

He kind of wears you down.

How's he hug?

Not bad.

Rory, go wash up.
Dinner's ready.

Thanks for playing.

Sure, anytime.

You don't have
to do that anymore.

Not many people
could survive

being thrown into the middle
of this madhouse.

Not at all -- you have
a very sweet family...

When they're not poisoning
or punching me.

Ed, you've been so kind
and helpful lately,

and I realize I've been
putting up a wall,

and I'm not really
a wall kind of person.

Um...

I've been wanting
to say something,

and it's just so
kind of hard to say.

Well, why don't you
just say it?

I, um...

I'm...

Really glad you're here.

That was the hard part?

Uh...why don't we
just go inside?

Okay.
Okay.

You want to have dinner?

I thought that's what
we're about to --

no, no, no.
With me. A date.

Wow.

Cate, I've wanted to go
out with you forever.

Yeah, the timing wasn't
just quite right, but --

well, I'm kind of
seeing someone now.

Oh. Oh, good.

That's good.

Not really good,
but pretty good.

For the longest time
you didn't seem interested.

There was that
timing thing, and --

I'm sorry, I didn't realize
you had a girlfriend.

Ish --
she's girlfriend-ish.

You don't have
to explain.

Should I go?

Oh, no. No.

This isn't awkward?
No, no.

Well, okay,
it's awkward-ish.

But please, ed,
I want you to stay.

Just go on inside.
I'll be in in a minute.

I-I think you're --

you're just great, Cate.

If it would make things
any easier,

I could eat some
more Cranberries.

No, really, I'm fine.

Damn.

This Thanksgiving
really does blow.

So, that's all you can
think of to be thankful for?

That you got
the good hair?

No, I said it's what
I'm most thankful for.

And how about you, Cate?
What are you thankful for?

Well, I'm thankful
for my wonderful children,

and for my great dad,

and ugh
she couldn't be here.

That's what i'm
thankful for.

And you, ed?

I'm thankful
for great friends.

Yeah. Great friends.

Blah, blah, blah, Thanksgiving.
Let's eat.

No, wait.

Finally, I am thankful to all
of you, especially C.J.,

for doing all this work.

So that, for once, I don't
have to do anything.

I'm gonna go check
on a thing.

Frank: Ms. Hennessey?
Ms. Hennessey?

Ms. Hennessey?
Oh.

You know,
it's frustrating.

I still can't figure what
made that fryer blow up?

Good enough for me.

I'll send you a check
in a few days.

Oh, hey, don't forget about
my Ferrari -- total loss.

Don't you want the Turkey?

Really?
Great, thank you.

I'll send you
back the plate.

Well...guess we'll never
know what happened.

My guess --

he started eating as a small
child and never stopped.

I meant we'll never know
why the Turkey fryer exploded.

That, too.

I-I think you're --

you're just great, Cate.

If it would make things
any easier,

I could eat some
more Cranberries.

No, really, I'm fine.

Damn.

This Thanksgiving
really does blow.