03x11 - Princetown Girl

[bunniefuu]

God!

Could you make any more noise?

How's this?

What's that? Your teeth?

What time's it
anyway, like, : am?

It's : . You lazy bum.

Oh, when did you get up?

Five minutes ago.

You woke me up
with your sick dream.

"Oh, slow down, Brandy.
Slow down, Brandy."

For your information, I
was walking my old dog

down an icy street.

Then I met some hot
stripper named Brandy.

Is that my buzz
lightyear toothbrush?

I believe you're
right, it is. Here.

You know what? I think
we've reached the end

of our long happy
journey as roommates.

Don't act so shocked.

You got the same
speech from grandma.

Fine, we're done.

Good luck out in
the big, bad world.

I won't be out in
the big, bad world.

You will.

The hell I will.
I was here first.

Why don't you
move into the attic?

-You move into the attic.
-You move into the attic.

Well, I see we're at
quite a stalemate here.

Let's try this from
another angle.

You move into the attic.

Oh, I get it.

You're afraid of the
big, dark, scary attic.

You're afraid of the
big, dark, scary attic.

I'll tell you what,
I'll make you a deal.

If you go up there, and
you stay one night all alone,

then you can have this
room, and I'll live in the attic.

One night? You're
on. That's great.

I'll finally have some privacy,

you'll stop using my stuff.

You use my stuff all the time.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Well, there's my
razor, my deodorant.

I can't find my
favorite silk boxers.

Do you honestly
think I'd want your--

Aha.

It was dark.

I couldn't see.

I pulled something on.

They felt nice.

Yes, and I need
bottles of aspirin

and doses of flu vaccine.

What?

Still?

Just send enough
for the teachers.

Hi. Okay.

I want you to guess something,
but you'll never guess,

so I'm gonna give you a hint.

Scouts are coming
from Princeton this Friday

to watch somebody's
tennis match,

and they may give her
a full ride scholarship.

-Princeton?
-Yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh,
my God! Oh, my God!

I know, I know.

I always knew deep down
I was ivory league material.

Oh, we all knew, honey.

Oh, I can't wait to tell Kerry.

Uh, you know, we
might wanna think

of the best way to do that.

I mean, she will be very
happy for you, of course,

but, you know, Kerry has
always dreamt of going

to an ivory league school.

So, um, before you tell
her your wonderful news,

you might wanna consider
breaking it to her delicately.

She won't even know I told her.

♪ I'm going to Princeton
'cause I play tennis ♪

♪ You think you're so
smart, you don't play tennis ♪

Ha ha ha!

So, what if you lose the bet?

Are you really
gonna live in the attic?

C.J.'s scared of his own shadow.

He won't last five
minutes up there.

But what if he does?
What if by some fluke

he manages to
spend the whole night?

Well, that's simple.

You know the trap
door to the attic?

Just nail it shut,
seal him in there.

You'd do that?

Ask your uncle Phil.

-I don't have an uncle Phil.
-Exactly.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Did you get my
message about Bridget?

Yeah, that's great news.

I don't know. Bridget
and Princeton?

It just sounds

unnatural.

So, did Bridget tell Kerry yet?

[Kerry:][/font] It's Ivy
league, you moron!

It's hard to tell.

You know, I can't be
that much of a moron.

Princeton is giving me
my own car and driver.

You know, I know
I'm not smart like you,

but I'm pretty sure
that's not what they mean

by a full ride.

Why can't you just
be happy for me?

You know, mom was
jumping up and down.

You jumped?

Well, it was more like a hop.

It wasn't really a jump.

This whole thing is sick!

I work really hard,
I get good grades.

I do that damned
river clean up project

every week until
my fingers bleed,

and the only thing my
guidance counselor can say is

"You better pick
a safety school."

And Bridget just
swings her tennis racket,

and Princeton comes running!

-This sucks!
-Hold on, honey.

This is a great
opportunity for Bridget.

Besides, they only sent a scout.

It's a little early

for a "Welcome to
Princeton" party.

But we'll sure be
ready when it happens.

Mom!

Give me that.

You sure you wanna spend
the whole night up there?

Yeah, why not?

It's old and musty
and it smells weird.

I live with grandpa.

Hey, guys.

Ha ha, look at you.

You're so scared, you
won't even go up there

in the middle of the
afternoon by yourself.

I hate to disappoint you,

but I'm more than man
enough to go up there alone.

Then what do you
got the bodyguard for?

He's just holding
the ladder down

'cause I don't weigh enough
to hold it down myself.

I don't believe
that for a minute.

You're scared. Why
don't you admit it?

I'm not scared.

In fact, I feel
wonderful, grand.

I feel spectacular.

You're wearing my
boxers again, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Rory,

it's time.

The sine of an angle

is half the chord
of twice the angle.

Now, to calculate the cosine --

So good of you to join
us today, miss Hennessy.

I am so sorry I'm late.

See, I was changing.
And I had on my blue socks

when I found my cute
ones with the pink puff balls,

which match the skirt
way better, so I thought --

The important thing
is I'm here now.

Perhaps we should
just start over.

I was changing, and I
had on my blue socks,

but then I found
these pink ones,

and, you know, like I
said about the skirt --

Miss Hennessy,
would you like to explain

the relationship between
chords and sines?

Yes, I would.

If a guy is wearing chords,

it's a sure sign I'm
not gonna date him.

You come in late
and disrupt the class.

It's disrespectful,
it's discourteous,

and a waste of my time.

Mrs. Krupp, I'm so
sorry. I do not mean

to be disrespectful at all,

but no one really uses
trigonometry in real life.

You know, it's
like all the other

stuff you learn in high school.

Sounds like you have no use

for education of any kind.

Exactly. I'm going to Princeton.

See,There's a scout
coming this Friday

to watch my tennis match,

and I'm pretty sure I'm
getting a scholarship.

Did you know that you
have a "D" in my class?

Did you know I have a
-mile-an-hour serve?

Did you know that in order
to compete in athletics,

students must maintain a
"C" average in all classes?

And did you know
that because of this,

you won't be playing
your match on Friday?

Did you know I'm about to cry?

I heard you can't play.

You here to rub it in?

No.

Look, I'm really sorry
about how I acted

when it seemed like you
were getting into Princeton.

I should have been
happier for you.

Yeah, you should have been.

If it helps, I'm...

Happy now.

♪ There'll be no Princeton
'cause you are dumb ♪

Give me that!

-♪ Let's see you make me ♪
-Kerry, get out!

What's going on?

Oh, nothing, the world is
back where it should be.

Oh, stop that.

You know, Bridget
doesn't need this right now.

You're right.

What she needs is a pennant
from Irv's bartending school.

You know, very funny.
Mom, she has not stopped

with the nasty
comments, and the --

there's a bartending school?

Bridget, we are talking
about your future here.

Well, I'm not in the
mood for that lecture.

You know, you
sound awfully flip for --

that one either.

Look, you work at the school.
Can't you do something?

I don't know, maybe I
can talk to Mrs. Krupp,

get her to bend the rules.

-What?
-Just this once.

You've gotta be kidding me.

You're gonna fix this for her?

That is so unfair.

Oh, she's 'Off' again.

I come home minutes
past curfew, I get grounded.

I forget to put gas in the
car, you dock my allowance.

That was different.

Yeah, because that was about me.

But apparently, you don't
bend the rules for me.

Great, now that we all
understand each other.

You know, Kerry, this is about

getting Bridget into college.

Which means her
screwing around all year,

and you cleaning up the mess.

Now, look.

Your father and I always
dreamed of everyone in this house

going to college.
Which is expensive!

A scholarship for
Bridget would really help.

♪ Mom's gonna fix it,
I'm going to Princeton ♪

Bridget!

You know, as long as
we're quoting dad here,

how about his favorite one --

Take responsibility
for your actions!

You're really gonna clean
this one up for her, too?

Oh, look!

All my old stuffed animals.

There's "Poo-poo", "Bo-Bo",

and "Ding-ding" the mouse!

'Poo-poo', 'Bo-Bo', and 'Ding-ding'?

Where's your easy-bake oven?

I didn't have an easy-bake oven.

There's that old rat trap.

Still loaded and ready to go.

What do you mean? You
guys -- you got a rat up here?

Oh, that's right!

You weren't here when
"Hercules" moved in.

Hercules?

That's what we named him

'cause he had the
strength of, like, rats.

We had a cat for a while,

but he disappeared.

Hey, I got an
idea, little buddy.

Why don't you bunk
up here with me tonight?

It'll be fun.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, come on! It's one night.

What, are you yellow?

C.J.; you'll be fine.

But if you do see Hercules,

play dead.

Why?

That way, there's a chance.

He'll just throw you around

a little bit, and
then lose interest.

Well, see ya!

Yes?

Hi, I'm here for my flu sh*t.

Oh, come on in. Take a seat.

Here's my form.

Okay, just roll up your sleeve,

Mrs. ...

Krupp.

Oh.

You're Mrs. Krupp.

Skip the coffee maker
jokes. I've heard them all.

You know, my
daughter is in your class.

Bridget?

-Hennessy?
-Yes.

Skip the cognac jokes.

I don't get it.

Well, you see,
Hennessy is a brand --

anyway, let's
just get you going.

Tough situation with Bridget.

Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

Uh, look...

Alice.

Mrs. Krupp,

Is there anything you could do

to let Bridget play her
tennis match tomorrow?

Unfortunately, I
don't make the rules.

I just enforce
them to the letter.

Oh, gosh.

You know what
else is unfortunate?

I just realized I am
all out of flu vaccine.

What?

Yes.

And we are in the middle
of a brutal flu season.

Nurse Hennessy,

this is sounding a
little like extortion.

Oh, oh...oh.... Such an ugly word!

Just like "Chills," or "Fever,"

or "Post viral paralysis."

You're kidding, right?

Sort of.

You know, Mrs. Krupp,

as a mother, I would feel awful

if I didn't do everything

to try to get my
Bridget into college.

Isn't there something
you can do?

Well, there is a test next week.

I guess I could let her
take it tomorrow morning

before her match.

And if she pulls her
grade up to a "C"

she can play.

Oh...Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And if there's
anything you need...

Well, there is one thing.

Right.

Um...

Oh, look!

More vaccine.

Where'd you come from?

Oh, thank you. Thank
you, mom, so much.

You are the best!

It was very hard for me.

I did it against my
better judgment.

That's okay. The important
thing is you did it anyway.

Now you better study hard.

I will, I promise.

Okay.

Now, here comes Kerry.

She's gonna go nuts
when she finds out

that I bailed you out.

So do me a favor,
let me tell her.

I won't say a word.

Hi, care bear.

Before you 'care bear'
me, I just need to know,

did you go see Mrs. Krupp today?

No, I did not.

Wow!

So you didn't fix
Bridget's mess?

I did not go to see Mrs. Krupp.

Oh, my God, mom! How could you?

Oh! You know, your hair
looks great today.

Don't change the subject.

You know exactly what you did.

I'm not trying to
change the subject.

Who wants cookies?

You know what?

I made your favorite
-- butterscotch.

That's Bridget's favorite.

Now look, Kerry, I know this
is hard for you to understand,

but I would have done
the same thing for you.

I wouldn't need
that kind of help.

And for your information,
I like peanut butter cookies.

That is so unfair.

Everybody changes
their favorites in here

every five minutes.

Who can keep track?

Ooh, Butterscotch
Bridget's favorite.

Can I have one?

This is off-the-charts unfair.

All right, I'll put one back.

Not the cookies! My life!

Honey, what are
your favorite cookies?

I'll make them.

I just said 'Peanut butter'!!

I'm going to my room.

-Wait, wait.
-What?

-Aren't you gonna ask her?
-I can't.

Ask me what?

-Nothing.
-Mom.

Shut up. Have a cookie.

I cannot pass this test
without Kerry's help.

Oh, my God, you're gonna ask
me to help her study, aren't you?

Well, I thought it would
be a fun family project.

Ooh, 'butterscotch'
Bridget's favorite.

It's just one night,
Poo-poo. We can do it.

Oh, just my luck!

Aunt Cate's baking
Bridget's favorite cookies.

What was that?

Down, down.

Hey.

C.J.; can I hang out
with you for a while?

Yeah. Me?

Yeah, yeah. Go up, go up, go up.

No, it's kinda
creepy. You go first.

No, no.

If you wanna come,
you go up first.

Go, go, go. It's easy. It's fun.

Up, up, up.

You just bisect this
line with this angle.

degrees, degrees.

degrees! That's the answer.

Simple!

Ha! It all comes back to me.

Why don't you check that answer?

If you insist,
but really, it's --

Negative / ?

This must be a typo.

We are not gonna get this.

You can't help me,
Kerry won't help me.

What is the point?

The point is Princeton

A scholarship, your future.

Look, I'm gonna go
make another pot of coffee.

But, Bridget, I know
you can do this.

Okay, mom. Yeah, I can do this.

And, please, have
you ever seen me

eat a butterscotch cookie?

Oh, God! Complain,
complain, complain.

That's all you've done
since you got here.

I'm sorry. I'll leave.

No. No, no, no.

God; Look at all this junk.

I know.

Oh, it's Rory's easy-bake oven.

And Mr. Peepers' collar.

Mr. Peepers?

Our old cat.

We never knew
what happened to him.

[Bridget] Hey, C.J! Can I come up?
-Sure.[/i]

No, I don't wanna see her.
Don't tell her I'm up here.

Hey!

Can I, um,.. hang out for a while?

Yeah, you can stay
all night if you want.

-My life sucks!
-Ah... Yours, too?

Well, obviously, yours does,

but we're talking about me.

I can't pass this test. I'm
gonna disappoint mom.

Plus, then Kerry's mad at me.

She thinks it's unfair
that I'm going to Princeton.

And to tell you the
truth, she's totally right.

I mean, even if I do get in,

I couldn't make it without her.

She's always saving my butt.

You ever tell her that?

No, all we seem
to do is fight lately.

If she was here, what
would you tell her?

Well, there is one thing

I've always wanted
to say to her

Try smiling once in a while,

and stop dressing
like Woody Allen.

Is there something that

you wouldn't say to her face?

Well, I'd tell her how
great she is, and smart.

Even though it looks
like I have everything,

there are plenty of
times I wish I was her.

[Cate:] Hey, C.J.;
Is Bridget up there?[/i]

Oh, God, I don't wanna
deal with her right now.

Uh, I don't see Bridget.
Do you see her?

Um, how about this?

I'll live up here,
you take my room.

Done.

You know, C.J.;
sometimes I just wanna

disappear into this attic.

Yeah, like Mr. Peepers?

Oh, yeah; I forgot about him.

On second thought,
you can take the attic.

Oh, C.J.; I blew it.

-I'm a bad mother.
-Shut your mouth.

I just want what's
best for my girls.

You know, but it just seems like

every time I turn
around, I screw it up.

I can't expect
you to understand.

No, I understand.

I see you do it every day.

You know, maybe
I got carried away

with this whole Princeton thing.

But I just want the
best for Bridget,

and I hope she knows that
no matter what she does,

I'm always proud of her.

I think she knows.

And Kerry,

Oh...

You know,

she's gonna understand
when she's a mom.

You just wanna do
anything for your kids.

She's gonna be a great mom.

That Kerry, she's ... whoo ...

she has a great heart.

I don't know, it's just ...

even when they're
fighting all the time,

you should hear the way
Kerry talks about Bridget

when she's not around.

She even told me that she was

the best student body president

that that school had ever had.

She'd hate to admit it,

but she adores her big sister.

Don't ever say you're a bad mom.

You're a great mom.

Oh, thanks, C.J.

Hey, that 'Peepers'
cat, he probably

ran away and got
hit by a car, right?

[Jim:] C.J.!

Oh, you're not
supposed to be here.

I'm supposed to be
alone. Go, go, go.

Hide, hide, hide,
go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, I just came up

to see how you were
doing up here all alone.

Sorry to disappoint.
I'm doing just fine.

It was kinda quiet downstairs.

Ha, ha... I wouldn't
be surprised.

No, I mean it's
like a ghost town.

Mom?

C.J.?

Grandpa?

Anybody?!

The truth is, I miss
you down there,

and I don't like
it when we fight.

And, damn it, I like
sharing that room with you.

I can get lonely.

Oh, 'grandpy',

You 'old softy'.

Hey, hey, you
mention this to anyone,

you'll end up like uncle Phil.

Who's that?

Exactly.

Don't worry. This'll
be our little secret.

So, uh,

while I got you up
here, man to man,

tell me what you think about
the women of this house.

I mean,

what bugs you about them?

-How much time you got?
-I got all night.

What time was the test?

It was about an hour ago.
They'll be here any minute.

I don't know. Princeton?

I still say it's unnatural.

I passed my test,
you guys. I passed!

I get to play my match,

and I owe it all
to my baby sister.

Oh, girls, I am so proud of you.

And, Kerry, as a special thanks

for staying up with
your sister all night,

I made you a big tray
of your favorite cookies

Oatmeal raisin!

Peanut butter!!