03x14 - C.J.'s Temptation

[bunniefuu]

Oh, grandpa. I didn't know
you were down here.

I've been down here ever since
you went in the bathroom.

What is that, one of your mom's
lingerie catalogs?

Yeah.

I think she was
looking for that.

I was just
thinking of

getting her something
for her birthday.

Oh, good idea.

Yeah, nothing says
"happy birthday, mommy"

like fancy underwear.

Grandpa...

Hey, I know
what's going on --

teenage boy,
magazine with lots of girls,

locked door --
it all adds up.

You're going to hell.

What?

Oh, I'm just kidding,
but ease up, hoss.

I mean,
even god took sunday off.

Oh, my god.
What's all this?

People keep bringing me stuff
'cause of my broken leg.

Oh, that's so sweet.

She got a laptop.

I gave it away. What am I
gonna do with a computer?

Oh, my god.

Look at this woman
hanging all over principal gibb.

What, did she lose a bet
or something?

Uh...ed?

- Cate!
- Hi.

My friend -- I-I never expected
to see you here.

At school,
w-where we both work?

Yes --
school, of course.

Hi. I'm Cate.

Hi.

Cate, yes.
This is -- uh, uh -- Cheryl...

Also my friend.

After last night,

we're either very good friends
or very bad enemies.

Oh, my god.
Look at the time.

So...this is
the new girlfriend.

How'd you guys meet?

Cheryl was the receptionist
at my divorce lawyer's office.

You could say I used to file
his briefs, but now I --

yeah,
I think I get it.

- I was gonna say --
- No, no, no.

Really, I got it.

We should be off.

Is that
his new girlfriend?

Well...yeah.

I don't believe it.

Is principal gibb
secretly rich?

Or secretly hot?

Well...
Good for ed.

Good...for...ed.

So, the election of --

America's choices were --

Teddy Roosevelt...

William Howard taft...

Woodrow Wilson.

Does anyone know
why Wilson won?

Hennessy.

Roosevelt's bull moose party
split the republican vote,

giving the election to Wilson,
the democrat.

Well,
that's one boring theory.

But consider this --

a mustache...

Mustache...

No mustache.

That's right.

I don't think America will ever
trust a man in a mustache.

That's why Jeff foxworthy
was never

and will never
be president of this country.

Mr. Barnes,
can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. Ladies and gentlemen,
the principal.

No mustache.

C.J., um, I was wondering
if I could ask you a favor.

See, I-I have a friend --
a, uh, a lady friend.

Ah, you want me to take out
her fat sister. No problem.

Listen...

I got a half a case
of wine coolers in my car.

The other half's
in me belly.

I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear that.

So she's taking her g.E.D.
In a couple weeks,

and she needs to brush up
on her American history.

I was hoping she could sit in
on one of your classes.

It might be
a little awkward

having the boss's friend
in my class.

Oh, Eddie,
there you are.

Then again, it might be the most
natural thing in the world.

Welcome.

Hi.

This is your teacher --
Mr. Barnes.

C.J.

Class, this is my friend,
Cheryl.

She's gonna be with us
for a couple weeks.

And for the record, her presence
violates not one single code

of the Michigan unified
school districts' bylaws.

Although it seems like
it would.

Mr. Barnes, treat her as
you would any other student.

So I can
take her to the prom?

Have a seat.

Okay...

All right,
the election of ...

Hennessy.

I need to go
to the bathroom.

Hi, Cate.
You got a second?

Sure. What's up?

I feel I kind of sprung Cheryl
on you this morning.

I felt you deserved
an explanation.

Oh...you don't need
an explanation.

When you asked me out,
I wasn't ready to date.

And when I was,
you already had a girlfriend.

Today I met her --
end of story.

Really?

Of course.
We're friends.

I just want to
make sure

that nothing got awkward
between us.

Especially because Cheryl's
gonna be taking classes here.

She is?

Yeah. She's brushing up
for her g.E.D.

Since we started dating,

she's a little self-conscious
about not finishing high school.

Ohhhh, she never
finished high school.

I would've thought
she had a "p-h-double-d."

See, that's the kind of comment
that makes me start wondering

if things might
eventually become awkward.

No, ed, look -- seriously,
if you're happy, I'm happy.

Good, because I am happy.

Extremely happy.

I'm exhausted,
but happy.

I've actually
lost pounds.

Getting awkward.

I can see that.

So, until its repeal
in ,

with the passage
of the volstead act,

prohibition was in effect.

All forms of alcohol
were illegal.

Wait -- all alcohol?

Yuh-huh.

Even body sh*ts?

Yes,
these were dark times.

But if people couldn't drink,
how'd they get the courage up

to run topless
through a crowded ballpark?

Or marry a perfect stranger
after knowing him only an hour?

This does not sound like
my America.

Okay, guys,
read chapter .

And tomorrow, if we're lucky,
maybe we'll hear what Cheryl

may or may not have done
while intoxicated.

Mr. Barnes?

I'm sorry. Was I a little
too open with my stories?

No, I like a woman
who's been naked

in as many ballparks
as I have.

You know, getting this g.E.D.
Is really important to me.

I was kind of hoping
you could help me out --

maybe a little...
Personal tutoring.

Huh...

Oh, uh, yeah.
No. That's super cool.

Any friend of the principal,
I could help out.

Maybe I can meet you
in the library after th period.

I'm a little self-conscious
here at school,

being so much older and
better-looking than everyone.

I was hoping we could do it
at my apartment.

By "it,"
you mean study, right?

Yeah, yeah.
That's what I mean.

Hey, girls.

- Hey, mom.
- Hey, mom.

So, uh, how you doing?

Fine. Why?

Because of principal gibb
and his girlfriend.

Yeah, and, you know,
because you...Lost.

Girls,
this wasn't a competition.

It sure wasn't.

Anyway, we brought you these
to make you feel better.

Wow.

A new lingerie catalog...

...and a box of candy.

Now I can see
how thin I want to be

and then not get there.

Come on, mom.

You are a classy, intelligent,
interesting woman.

There's got to be some way
of making that work for you.

Thanks for the pep talk,
girls.

Where did
that catalog go?

Well,
you're in a good mood.

And why not?
It's five minutes to "matlock."

This is the one
where he outwits the northerner.

Hey, dad, why do men
have to be such jackasses?

You're not looking for
an actual answer, are you?

No.

I can't just
get up and leave?

No!

After all this time,
I'm finally ready to date.

And I think I meet
the right guy, or a right guy.

Gibb.

And I find out
he has a girlfriend.

Gibb.

Well, today I met her --
blond, tight sweater,

a body that looks like
it was developed by NASA.

Gibb!

This is what
I'm up against.

How am I
supposed to compete with that?

There's no competition.

There's no one
as pretty as my baby girl.

Thanks, dad.

Ah, besides,
she's just a shiny object,

a pleasant little dream
he's having.

And, sooner or later,
gibb will wake up

and discover that he's missing
the real deal.

Mm...

Maybe you're right.

I guess every guy is entitled
to his little fantasy.

Aah!

Rory: Mom!

Hey, Rory.

Mom.

If there's anything
you want to talk about --

nope.

You should know
it's perfectly natural --

good night!

It's only : !

That was a fast
study session.

Did Cheryl's brain
fill up that quickly?

Cheryl -- ay-yi-yi.

Tonight I did something that
fills me with guilt and shame --

and not the good kind.

Oh, my god!
You hit on Cheryl!

No, she hit on me,
but I stopped her.

A little late,
but I stopped her.

Then I let it go some more,
but then I got scared.

So I stopped her.

Poor ed.

Y-yeah, that's the point
of my story -- poor ed.

He has to keep having sex
with this insatiable fem-bot.

Well, if she's cheating on him,
we have to tell him.

No!
You can't tell him.

Whatever you say,
I'll end up the bad guy.

I don't want to
lose my job.

But he has
a right to know.

No, shh, don't!
Just pretend I never told you!

But, C.J., we --

no! Ah! Zz-zz!

Less talking, more pretending!
Shh, I'm watching you.

Aah!

Rory, this activity
you're engaging in --

it's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Human sexuality should be
celebrated and enjoyed.

And most important, you should
know it's perfectly natural.

Everybody does it.

Everybody?

Uh, maybe you
should go to class.

Hello, ed.

Even --

go!

Cate, do you have
a couple aspirins?

I've got
a really bad headache.

Late night with Cheryl?

Cate, I know
what you think about Cheryl,

but she is not
just a party girl.

I never said she was.

She's very sweet
and considerate and funny.

And, as hard as it may be
for you, my ex-wife,

and the congregation
of my temple to believe,

there may actually be
a future for us.

A future?

Stranger things
have happened.

Name one.

Uh...ed,
we're friends, right?

Cate, let's be honest.

I think the problem is
that you are jealous of Cheryl.

Jealous?!

Yes, because you think that
I chose Cheryl over you.

And I was hoping

that you would be above
this kind of pettiness.

You know, I am above every kind
of pettiness there is.

By the way,
Cheryl's cheating on you.

What?

Last night,
she was studying with C.J.,

and she came on to him.

C.J.?

In what world would Cheryl
be attracted to C.J.?

In the world
next door to yours.

Uh, C.J.,
you got a minute?

Actually,
I'm grading papers.

- I'll come back.
- Wait a second.

"Wing sun-Lee" --
that sounds like an "a."

All right, done.

Um...

C.J., I'm sorry,
but I, um --

I sort of...

Told ed
about you and Cheryl.

What's that?

Are you kidding?!
He's gonna k*ll me!

Dude, I told you not to
tell him! What's wrong with you?

I didn't mean to!

But he started to accuse me
of being petty and jealous.

- You used me to get back at him.
- No! Well, yes.

But it wasn't
my intent,

and it doesn't even matter
'cause he didn't believe me.

Now he just thinks
I'm spreading a rumor

that his girlfriend's
a skank.

My god!
I'm never gonna get tenure!

C.J.,
I'm really sorry.

Sorry doesn't
feed the bulldog!

All right, we need a plan.
Can you get a helicopter?

No, wait.
Okay, I got a better one.

All right, okay.

Tonight,
I bring Cheryl over

for a little private tutoring
at the house.

You get ed, come over,
hide in the dining room,

and then
he can see for himself.

What?

That's right. It'll take
about three seconds.

She can't wait
to pimp this ride.

Yeah.
It's a good plan.

Yeah,
for Lucy and Ethel.

But in the real world,
people do not hide in closets

and watch other people
make out.

Uh, yeah, they do.
It's called a fraternity.

Forget it.
I'm not doing it.

You owe me!

I finally got a job I like,
and you ruined it for me!

You've besmirched
my name.

And I cannot unsmirch it
by myself.

Your plan is insane.
I'm not doing it.

Fine. Forget about me.
I'll bounce back.

I have other names.

But what about you,
Cate?

If you don't
prove this to ed,

he's gonna think you're nothing
but a jealous, insecure,

petty middle-aged woman.

I'll have him there
by : .

Oh, ed,
I'm glad you're here.

Not at all.
I'm glad you asked me over.

I felt really bad
about this afternoon.

Oh, yeah. Me too.
I wanted to apologize.

No need. I had no right
to accuse you of being petty.

Thank you.

I don't know why
I would say such a thing.

You're one of the classiest,
most dignified people I know.

Thanks, ed.

And, keeping that in mind,
I want to propose something

that, on the surface,
might seem a little extreme.

But it will prove,
once and for all,

that your girlfriend
is hitting on C.J.

Not this again!

They're on their way over here,
and she's gonna make a move.

And all we have to do
is hide --

in a classy, dignified way --
and you'll see for yourself.

I am not going to spy
on my girlfriend!

Who, by the way,
is not coming over here,

because she is out tonight
with her girlfriends.

Ohh.

Are you sure?

Oh, my god.
What is she doing here?!

Let's go over here
and find out.

Ow!

Mm.

Welcome to
"chateau relax-o."

I'm so glad you asked me
to come over and study.

I was kind of hoping

we could finish
what we started last night.

Oh, yes.

Sorry about that --

I usually don't get
that nauseous that quickly.

I hope you brought dramamine.
I'm gonna rock your boat.

Oh, shiver me timbers.

What are we doing out here?
Let's go in.

It's me. I'll get it.
I'll be right in.

All right.
I'll go hoist the "jolly Roger."

Hello?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god -- aunt Jane?

That's awful.

Of course I'll fly in
for the funeral.

She was my favorite aunt.

Hey, aunt Cate.

If it gets a little gnarly,
my safe word is "ardor."

Harbor?

Ardor!

Harder?

Forget it.
Just leave her on me.

Hey. I was about to
send out a search party.

Now the search is over,
let's party.

C.J., maybe tonight's
not a good night.

Not good yet, but I know
what will change your mind.

A bottle
of Nevada's finest.

C.J. --

come on,
you look stressed.

You need to
give me a back rub.

Come on over here.
I'll get started.

Ooh, I'm tense.

Oh, it's one of
those massages.

So this is
why you invited me over --

to watch C.J.
make a fool of himself?

Just give it a minute.
Maybe she's slow to start.

Does she look
like she's slow to start?

Listen...

I can't teach you
if I can't reach you. Come here.

No, something happened.
I don't want to talk about it.

I don't even want to
think about it.

Well, let's get your mind
off of it.

- There you go.
- There's a dead ant.

What are you crying for?
I haven't even touched you yet.

Okay, all right!
I've seen enough!

She's not hitting on you!
You're just upsetting her!

Yes -- phase one.

You were spying on us?

Cheryl,
this is all my fault.

I somehow got the impression
that you were being unfaithful.

I'm very sorry.

It is obvious that you were not
hitting on C.J.

Well, imagine that --
Cheryl not hitting on C.J.

Come on, Cheryl.
We are leaving.

No, wait. Wait.

You know, I don't want to
hurt your feelings or anything,

but I had every intention
of cheating on you with C.J.

What?

Ooh,
my good name is back!

Ed, I really like you.
I do.

And the sex
was copious.

He taught me that word.

But we don't
have a future.

You're smart and classy,

and I lift up my shirt
for mardi gras beads.

Cheryl,
I was okay with that.

I do that.

Look,
the truth is...

I see the way
you look at Cate.

That's the way every woman
wants to be looked at.

Not like that.

Anyway,
I'm sorry, ed.

I'm sorry this had to end
in such a...Ignominious way.

Well, excellent use
of the word.

Listen --

I'll see you at school.

And, ed, I'm sorry, too.
I was trying to protect you.

Cate, don't apologize.
It's better this way.

I mean, what was I doing with
a woman like Cheryl, anyway?

You mean what were you doing
so copiously

with a woman like Cheryl?

You know, she actually
did seem like a nice person.

Well, she's perceptive.

She picked up on us
pretty fast.

W-would you like
some wine?

Nevada's finest.

Sure,
I would love some wine...

Or whatever that is.

It's a
"wine-style beverage."

You know, I think
that there is a curse for me

in this house.

I-it's like
it doesn't like me.

What do you mean?

Every time I'm here,
something terrible happens.

I've been poisoned and punched
and now dumped.

Well, they say bad things
happen in threes.

Maybe the curse is over.

Well, let's hope so.

I gotta use the restroom.
I'll be right back.

Rory: Aah!

Oh!

Fours.
Bad things happen in fours.