03x19 - Torn Between Two Lovers

[bunniefuu]

He notices a tower subtending
an angle of degrees.

Yes, miss hennessy?

Where is he going?

That is not important
to the problem.

If he doesn't know where
he's going, it is a problem.

What if it starts raining
and he's wearing suede?

That actually happened
to me once.

Delightful.

No wonder we're outsourcing our
tech jobs to Bombay's finest.

Not so fast.

I want you all to do the first
problems in chapter .

Oh, you know,
tonight's not good.

They're announcing the court
for the Valentine's day dance,

and I'm gonna be a little busy
practicing my surprised face

for when they name me
queen of hearts.

more problems.

Let's see your
surprised face now.

Come on, that's --
that's not fair.

Not fair?

Not fair is having
your family farm

confiscated
by the U.S. government.

Oh, my god,
was that during world w*r ii

with the Japanese
internment camps?

No, last September.

My uncle lost his avocado farm
for nonpayment of taxes.

But thank you
for the racial stereotyping.

I'm Chinese.

Agh! Can you
believe her?

I know.
She's such a witch!

Mom's right here!

Thank you, Rory.

No, it's that Mrs. Krupp.

She totally has it out
for us.

Well, I know she hates Bridget,
but why doesn't she like you?

Apparently
I'm her r*cist sister.

Oh.
That would do it.

Do you know what Mrs. Krupp
needs? A man.

Oh, please. What man in his
right mind is gonna go out

with a lonely, frustrated,
desperate, divorced woman?

Did someone just describe
the perfect woman?

'Cause me ears were ringin',
and I don't mean me ears.

You are not going out
with Mrs. Krupp.

I haven't been on a date
in two years.

I can go out with Mr. Krupp
if I want.

No, it's just not a good idea
to date someone you work with.

Oh, come on. I barely work.
You've seen me.

You just think so
'cause I'm always sweating.

Mom, who are you to say that
someone can't date a co-worker?

You dated principal gibb
and Bridget's tennis coach.

And did those work out well?

Well, I'm different.
I'm the C.J.

Would you stop saying that?
That's never gonna catch on.

Really? 'Cause I got
personalized coffee mugs

that say you're wrong.

Look, the point is it's just not
a good idea to date krupp.

I know you, and you're gonna
just mess things up.

Why do you say that?

Uh, remember Cheryl?

Ooh. Ooh. Ah, Cheryl. Ooh.

Who could forget the most
beautiful blond goddess

to ever grace the midwest?

Yes, all highlights
and headlights.

That was one
real classy lady.

Oh, yeah.

She was also principal gibb's
girlfriend

who tried to seduce C.J.
while her boyfriend watched.

Like I said,
a real classy lady.

Forget Cheryl.
That's the past.

I have a feeling that
this lonely, desperate woman

is my future,
my everything.

What was her name again?

Okay, okay, there she is.

All right, with any luck,
I'll be the next Mr. Mrs. Krupp.

Oh, mom was right.
This is a terrible idea.

Just relax and give me
some love a*mo.

What are her turn-ons?
What are her turnoffs?

What makes that little
kruppy cat purr?

All we know is
she's good at math

and delivering punishment.

Ooh, I'm down
with half that

now, Brad, a "d" doesn't mean
and delivering pyou're stupid.

A "c" means you're stupid.

A "d" means
you're stupid and lazy.

Feisty. Me likey.

What do you want?

Hey, Mrs. Krupp,
um...I'm C.J. Barnes.

Who?

I'm one of the subs.

Right.
The guy who's always sweating.

Yeah, yeah, you noticed.

Hey...

I was wondering if you'd like
to have dinner with me sometime.

Would I like to?
Not particularly.

Will I?

I don't like Thai, Mexican,
or Tex-mex.

I'm lactose intolerant
and easily carsick.

Pick me up at : .

So, how'd it go?

I really can't hear
what you're saying...

Over the sound
of wedding bells!

Ohhh.

All right.

Did everyone hear
the big news?

Oh, he is risen!
Hallelujah!

She said it was big news.

This is way bigger.
As to no one's surprise,

I've been elected to the court
of the Valentine's day dance.

Oh, honey, that's great.
Congratulations.

Oh, great --
another outstanding achievement

amplifying and perpetuating
the role of women as object.

Lighten up.
It's a freakin' dance.

Oh, I am so gonna be picked
queen of hearts.

You might have
some stiff competition.

Is that girl in the wheelchair
running again?

Hey, if you had a good date,
be a man about it.

Pour a whiskey
and show me the pictures.

Dad!

Well, it's a lot less creepy

that what Doris day
is doing over there.

So the date went well?

Oh, the well-est.

There was drinking and dancing
and laughing.

And once I picked her up,
it got even better.

Oh, god, if you're acting
this stupid,

you must've done
something stupid.

Oh, far from it, kerry-top.

I was a delight.

I tell you,
miss krupp is pretty fun

once you drop a few tequilas
down her gullet.

Sounds like a keeper.
Oh, you knows it.

C.J., I'm very glad you had
a good time, but be careful.

If something
doesn't work out,

it could be very awkward
at school.

I know I don't have
a lot of experience

with non-transactional
dating,

but I've got a good feeling
about this.

You know, if this is a sign
of things to come,

it may never have to end.

C.J., are you exprsing

genuine, sincere, mature
feelings about a woman?

You had to go and make it dirty,
didn't you?

Ooh, there's my little
krupp-cake.

C.J., you are so adorable.

You should see me on my pony.

Oh, pumpkin.

Pumpkin?

Girls, I assume you did
all your math homework.

Oh, my god,
I totally forgot.

It's okay.

I know you'll get to it
when you have time.

Thank you.

By the way, kerry,
I am Japanese.

I was just being lighthearted
yesterday.

You know me.

Wow, she's like
a totally different woman.

She didn't need a man.
She just needed C.J.

Are we still on
for tonight?

I want to cook you
a traditional meal.

Mmm! Wild dogs
couldn't drag me away.

Unless, of course,
that's what we're having?

Cheryl?

Hi, C.J., I missed you.

Oh, god,
it's the wild dogs.

I love when you
call them that.

Hey, look, everybody,
it's Cheryl.

So, what brings you
to my desk?

Well, I'm here
to get my picture taken.

I was nominated
for Valentine's day queen.

What? How?
You're not even a student.

You came here
to get your g.E.D.

You were only here
two days.

I know,
and I ditched one of them.

But apparently some teenage boy
made me a write-in candidate

on account of me
being so good-looking.

Oh.

So you're gonna take your court
picture then be on your way?

Well, I came for the court,

but I was hoping to stay
for the Jester.

Wait.

I don't think this is a good idea.
What?

Yeah, I can't do this.
Why?

You've been out of my life
for months and months.

You think you can just waltz back
in and play me like a fiddle?

I'm sorry.
You're right.

I'll leave.
Please don't.

I was never going to.
I never wanted you to.

Oh!

Uh, excuse me, but --

hey, aunt Cate.
Uh, you remember Cheryl.

Sorry you had to see that.

Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't
come in a minute later.

It's okay.
It would've been over by then.

What were you thinking
kissing Cheryl?

I wasn't thinking.

Not a lot of blood flowing
to the brain at that minute.

Hey, did you guys know that
Cheryl is back in town?

What? She is?

She thinks she's gonna get
queen of hearts.

The crown is mine.

Well, wait a second.

How did Cheryl,
a grown woman,

get on the Valentine's day
court?

Have your eyes
been put out?

She was a write-in.

Apparently she struck a chord

with some prepubescent,
sexually frustrated boys.

My vote is private.

Now, look, C.J., I know
that Cheryl is attractive,

but last night
you were telling me

that krupp
was the perfect one.

She is, but Cheryl has...
Other qualities.

Yeah, they're hard to miss.

If that's some veiled reference
to Cheryl's breasts,

she likes them referred to
as wild dogs.

Oh, Cheryl's back in town?

Yes, and I walked in on C.J.
making out with her.

Two women in two days?

Read your bibles, people.

The apocalypse is nigh.

That's right,
preacher man.

Build your ark
and spray for locusts.

C.J. is back in the game.

Now, look, I am not
gonna tell you

how to run your private life,

but you are playing
with fire here.

There's no law that says I can't
date two women at the same time.

Yeah, unless you count
the law of averages.

But it's just not fair
to lead two women on.

If you really have feelings
for one of them,

you should make a choice.

I know, I know,
but how do I choose?

I like them both
for different reasons.

Krupp and I
get along so well.

We, like, finish each other's
sentences, you know?

She could be my soul mate.

She might be the one.

On the other hand, Cheryl has
big boobs and loves sex.

I wonder how krupp's
gonna take the bad news.

Hey, pumpkin!

Hey.

I haven't seen you all day.

Have you been hiding from me?

What?
Why would I hide from you?

I told you, I only hide

from border patrol
and m*llitary police...

And leprechauns.

Where did you get
that mind?

I once laid at the bottom
of a pool for eight minutes.

Hey, listen, I wanted
to tell you something.

Oh, I've got something
to tell you.

I've done all the shopping for
our Valentine's dinner tonight.

Is there anything special
you want for dessert?

Yeah, just, I don't think
I can make it tonight.

But, pumpkin,
it's our first Valentine's.

I scattered Rose petals.

I know, it's just --

I carved butter into hearts.

I'll see you at : .

Hello?

Hey, it's me.
Can you come over tonight?

Oh, tonight?

Yeah, you know, I can't.

I got a thing.

It's Valentine's.

I really want you
to come over.

Really?

Really.

I've been a bad girl,

and if you come over, I'll --
I'll let you...

S-see you at : .
: : , --] : : ,
Well, look at you,
who's the lucky guy?

That must've k*lled
in vaudeville.

Oh, it did, yeah.

You got another date
tonight?

Actually, I have two.

I'm gonna have dinner
with krupp

right after I have Cheryl
for dessert.

You didn't break it off
with krupp?

No, and I know
what you're gonna say.

"Oh, you got to make a choice.
Quit leading them both on.

Blah, blah, blah.
Greatest generation."

No, no, no.
No, I admire what you're doing.

I'd do the same thing.

Really?
Yeah.

Krupp is smart and kind
and she could be the one,

but you're a single guy.
You're not tied down.

You know, I always went
for the eye candy myself.

A buck's got to run,
a hound's got to hunt.

That's right.

I'm a-runnin'
and a-huntin' buck hound.

Of course, I was ,

and you're a grown man,

and a man knows how to treat
a woman

with the respect
that they deserve.

I don't have time
for these riddles.

What are you talking about?

I'm sure your conscience
will steer you straight.

Yeah.

All right.
I'll see you later.

A little more vino,
my lady?

I'd rather have
a little more C.J.

Oh, excellent choice.

I go good
with meat or fish.

I'm so glad you stopped by
my class today.

Me, too.

I thought I may have missed
my moment.

I thought I'd come back,
and you'd have a girlfriend.

Me? A girlfriend?

What makes you think
I'd have a girlfriend?

You're so adorable.

You should see me on my...
Pony.

I'd rather see you
on my bed.

Ah, yes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a second.

What's wrong?

Um, I just --
I feel funny.

I think that apple wine
on an empty stomach.

Oh, poor baby.

Do you want me
to order takeout?

Are you interested
in a little Japanese?

No, what have you heard?

C.J.
what?

I'm just not myself tonight.
I'm sorry.

Is it me?
Is it something I did?

Was it when I bit you?

No, no, that was weird,
but I liked it.

Well, then, what is it?

I-I think
I'm feeling guilty.

Oh, no, don't feel guilty.

I like it when you call me
those names.

No, I -- I lied to you.

I'm actually seeing
someone else.

So?

So...
That's not fair to you,

and I don't want
to hurt her.

You're a little thinkier
than I remembered.

I-I can't do this.

This sounds crazy,

but I think I'm finally
getting a conscience.

What?
Oh, I got to go.

C.J., is there nothing
I can do to make you stay?

I don't think so.
Once you get a conscience,

I don't know
how you erase it.

Oh, there's an idea.

Oh...i can't.

I can't. I gotta --

I was supposed to be
at her house an hour ago.

Do you think she'd like
to come over here?

Oh, I'm either very moral
or very gay.

Hello, nurse hennessy.

Well, Mrs. Krupp,
what a surprise.

I hope
I'm not interrupting.

Oh, no, no, no.
I was just doing some laundry.

You know how that is.

I'm Japanese.

Is C.J. here by any chance?

He's not.

I'm going to need
to come in.

All right.

Yes, come in.

I'm just so upset

by what happened
with me and C.J. tonight.

Sit down, please.

Look, Mrs. Krupp,
I am so sorry.

I tried to tell C.J.

It wasn't fair
to lead two women on.

I'm just sorry that he chose
that bombshell over you.

What bombshell?

He just didn't show up
for our Valentine's dinner.

Oh, w-well, y-yes.

That -- that is exactly the
bombshell I was talking about.

It's the dinner bombshell.

Boom!

You said
he chose someone else.

No, no, no, no.
I-i-i say a lot of crazy things.

You should hear me
when I talk about roswell.

We come in peace.

Wait a second.

Today in the hallway...

He must have been trying
to break up with me.

Mrs. Krupp, I'm so sorry.

I should go.

I'm making a fool of myself

with this embarrassing
display of emotion.

Hey, krupplach, I just went to
your apartment looking for you.

I'm so glad to see you.

I hope you and the bombshell
will be very happy.

What? Wait.
What did you say to her?

I-i-i-i, um...

Take me to your leader.

Look, it's not what it seems,
all right? I chose you.

I just left a gorgeous, naked
woman in bed for you.

I don't mean I left her
in bed for you,

although that was presented
as an option.

I thought we had something.

I thought I'd finally met
a nice guy.

I am nice.
I made a mistake.

So did I.

No. Wait!

Mindy!

Mindy?

I can't believe this.

She was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Why did you tell her
about Cheryl?

Well, I thought you broke up
with mindy. Mindy?

And I also thought you were
going to do the right thing.

Don't ever assume I'm going
to do the right thing.

Oh, aunt Cate,
what's wrong with me?

I act so stupid and immature
around Cheryl.

It's not just around Cheryl.

C.J.?

Hello, Cheryl.

I'll make this short.

Cheryl,
you have superpowers,

and you have to be careful
how you use them.

I'd appreciate it
if you stay out of my life

because every time I see you,
I want you.

Oh, crap,
let's get this over with it.

No, I can't.
Yes, you can.

Just pretend I'm someone
better looking than me.

No, no. I can't.

What you said
really got to me,

and now I have
a conscience.

You?

I keep thinking
about your girlfriend

and all the times
I've cheated.

Sorry, C.J.

Now that I have a conscience,
I can't make it go away.

Okay.

That's fair.

That's smart, better.

No.

Thanks, C.J.

School's going to be
real fun today.

Mrs. Krupp's going to give us
three hours of math homework.

Do you know how long that's
going to take me to copy?

Uh, five hours?

I'm sorry for everything.

Who knew I'd finally find
a girl I like,

and it would end up
like this?

You know, C.J.,

this whole thing
wouldn't have happened

if you'd followed my advice
not to date co-workers

or my advice not to date
two women at the same time

or my advice...

Where are you going
with this?

Well, I, for one, C.J.,
am proud of you.

Oh, pile it on.

No, no, I'm serious.

Sure, you screwed up
a relationship

with two women
in the same day --

hour.

I'm trying to be kind.

The point is,
you did the right thing.

Even if just for
the briefest moment.

I believe the man
was speaking.

The fact is that you were
willing to give up the eye candy

for someone of substance,

someone you could have had
a future with,

and that shows real growth.

You're a man now.

Being a man
isn't much fun.

It sure isn't.

That's why I've already
had a beer.

I am so honored to be chosen
your queen of hearts.

Thank you, thank you,
students of...

Liberty high.
Liberty high!

I cannot believe I lost
queen of hearts to her.

I can't believe you copy
my math and still get a "d"!

I'd also like to thank the boy
who made this all possible,

the boy who started the write-in
campaign, Mr. Rory hennessy.

Traitor!

I'd like to have my first dance
with you, Rory. Come here.