03x24 - Ditch Day

Episode transcripts for the TV show "8 Simple Rules". Aired: September 17, 2002 - April 15, 2005.
Series follows middle-class parents Paul and Cate, raising their three children Bridget, Kerry and Rory Hennessy.
Post Reply

03x24 - Ditch Day

Post by bunniefuu »

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Why are you humming?
Why do you care?

Who's on trial here?

Can't a woman hum without
getting the third degree?

Well, you do seem
awfully happy, Cate.

Is there something
you want to tell us

while you're adding a little
vanilla to the waffles?

Not a thing.

Did you just sniff me?


Hey, stop it!


Well, well,
worried I might find...This?

Empty cinnamon bun containers,
two of them!

What the hell
is your problem?

Hlet me
spell it out for you.

Hed gibb, the gibbster,
flew to New York this morning...

Hfor a conference
of high school principals.

Let me spell it out
a little more for you.

Flight to New York --

Airplane -- airport.

Airport --

place where people buy
massive cinnamon buns.

You drove ed gibb
to the airport!

No, I didn't.

Hwell, there's
two options, aunt Cate.

Either you drove him
to the airport,

or you drove to the airport
halone at : A.M.

To eat two sofa-sized
cinnamon buns.

Okay, fine, I did it!

Aw, catey.

I drove ed to the airport.
We had coffee and cinnamon buns.

You didn't bring one for me?

Look, it is no big deal.

He needed a ride,
I gave him one, end of story.

No, unless things
are hot and heavy,

you don't give someone
a ride to the airport.

You know,
this kind of reaction

is exactly why
I didn't want to tell you guys

about me and ed.

And I want you
both to promise

that you're not
gonna tell the kids.

Just in case this thing with ed
turns out to be nothing,

I don't want them to get
all worked up for no reason.

Well, they won't
hear it from me.

They're not gonna hear
hit from me.

Hmy mind is like
a -foot-thick lead safe,

nothing gets out.

And nothing gets in.

You won't believe
what I can't tell you.


I can't tell you.

No, no, no.
I've been trained not to crack.

Hwould you please leave?
Oh, I get it.

You're messing with my mind,
making it all topsy-turvy.

Heh, heh, heh.

I can't take it.

Your mom drove principal gibb
to the airport.

Not only did she drop him off,
she walked him in.

They had cinnamon buns.
Hhhoh, my god!

That's the longest
I've ever held out.

I feel good about myself.

What are you doing?

Nothing -- just working out
a little bit.

Hmm, just working out,

or working off
cinnamon buns?

Cinnamon buns?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you driving
principal gibb to the airport

and then trying to hide it.

I didn't try to hide it.

I chose not to tell you
because it's no big deal.

'S no big deal.

And what else have you chosen
hnot to tell me, mom,

if that's even
your real name?

Trust me, Bridget,
ed and ire just friends.

If there was something
to talk about,

I would have brought it up.

It was important enough
to mention to other people.

All right, who told you?

Maybe that's not important.


Don't give me their name.

Just give me
the initials.



Hthat's all
you're getting out of me.

Hhhey, gramps.
Want to go toss the ball around?

Yeah, sure, as soon as
you finish your homework.

Oh, I don't have any.
Tomorrow's ditch day.

Ditch day?

It's a day when the teachers
hlet us ditch school.

Hyou have to show up
so they can take attendance --

hsomething about
not losing federal funding --

but then the day is yours.

Hey, grandpa.
Hey, dork.

What are you doing
for ditch day, honey?

Oh, I'm going to school.
I don't believe in ditch day.

I believe in bettering myself
hthrough education.

And you're
calling me a dork?

because you are a dork.

you're a goody-two-shoes.

Just because I want to do
hthe right thing

does not mean I am
a goody-two-shoes.

Actually, that's the definition
of a goody-two-shoes.

Hgrandpa! Okay, wait,
what's the definition of a dork?

You're looking at him.

Hey, don't hate the player,
hate the game.

So, C.J. promised
he wouldn't say anything

and I swear, in the next minute,
hhhe told Bridget.

Ah, well,
I wish I was there.

I could hurt him for you.


Oh, I would hurt him.
I'd hurt him bad.

What would you do?

Well, to start with,

I would take away
his parking privileges.

Mmm...go on.

Yeah, and then,
when he went to sit down,

I would pull his chair
right out from under him.

Oh, I like
the sound of that.

Well, then,
I'll say it again.

I would pull his chair
right out from under him.

That just sounds so sexy.

Are you eating something?

Yeah, some peanuts.

Well, now you ruined it.

Um...actually, to tell you
the truth, you know,

there is something
I could do to C.J.

It would be really

and it would involve
an abuse of my powers.

You'd do that for me?

Hsay the part
about the chair again.

Uh, you know, I would,
but I actually have to go.

But I'll call you tomorrow.

Hhall right.
I'll be at my office at : .

And by the way,
I'm going to a big dinner

with some school

and...there's gonna be
chairs everywhere.

Goodbye, ed.


So this is
how it's gonna be, huh?

One little innocent slip
of the tongue,

you run to the boyfriend
for revenge.

What are you talking about?

It's ditch day, all right?

Now that I'm a full-time teacher,
I was planning on doing nothing.

But you got principal gibb
to make me cover detention.

He did that?
I love that.

Ooh, you're evil.
You're both evil.

It's like an evil, unholy
love connection.

Oh, be quiet.

Hyou blabbed --
you deserve to be punished.

Aunt Cate, you may know
the top dog at this school.

But outside these walls,
you don't want to mess with me.

Outside these walls,

you live in my basement.

Hi think
we understand each other.

Hwhoa, whoa,
you're coming with me.

Why? 'Cause you sold
me out to your mom.

I have to cover detention and
you're gonna keep me company.

No, no, no -- it's ditch day
and I've got bigger plans,

so sayonara, amigo.

Hhwhoa, no!
That's it, you got detention. Why?

For talking back to a teacher
hin two languages.

Hhno, come on.

Aah! Aah!

Ow! My spine!

Oh, now you have detention
for hurting a teacher's spine.

Oh, C.J., please, everyone knows
you don't have a spine.


Ah, ah! Detention!


Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey!

Excuse me, everybody.

Just because
we turned a blind eye

to our students on ditch day

doesn't mean that we can't
all do something worthwhile.

I mean, really --

isn't somebody
making margaritas?

Ooh, that must be
the masseuse.

What are you doing here?

Well, I go to school here.

Mr. Clodney, I've been waiting
for you to start history class.

Huh, kerry,
it's -- it's ditch day.

I mean, if you didn't show up,

I probably
wouldn't even notice.

But I did show up
and I want to learn.

Can't you talk to her?

I'll be waiting
outside your classroom.

I don't know where I went wrong
hwith that one.

Nice try, loose lips,

but this is detention,
not a rock-n-roll concert.


Let me check my notes. It's not
a cellphone party, either.

Are you guys
gonna keep this up all day?

Because if you are, I'm gonna
jab a pencil into my brain

to make the sound go away.

Yeah, you know what?

Do it in the front,
it might make you nicer.

C.J., you don't understand.

I have been planning
this ditch-day prank all year.

I was gonna steal the mascot
from taft high -- the goat?

I thought it was
the taft tigers.

Parading a tiger around
would be cruel and humiliating.

They put the goat
in a tiger suit.

Oh, and you're gonna steal it

and the goat's gonna be
in the tiger suit!

That's excellent!

But you can't, 'cause you're
in detention all day.

I hate you.

Why, 'cause I'm beautiful?

Well, I'm gonna run out
and get meself a snack.

Don't try to follow me.
You can't leave.

There's laser sensors

Nice job, loser.

The whole school was counting
on you to steal that goat.

Oh, I can still get the goat.
Just give me your cellphone.

Give me a reason.

I am student body president.

And if you don't give me a phone
hso I can steal a goat,

I can have you arrested.

I've been arrested,
it's no biggie.

I can have your school picture
taken out of the yearbook.


I thought
we were playing charades?

Cate: Oh...

I'm expecting a phone call.
HI'll be right back.

Catey, ed is gonna be
on the phone.

It's not like
he can see you.


Rory: Mom?

It's almost : !

Hi mean,
what are you doing here?

I'm depressed.


Tell me all about it.

Where do I start?

Somewhere near the end.

Danny's brother was gonna
drive us to the mall.

But then big Joe showed up

and there wasn't
enough room in the car,

so they ditched me.

Can you believe it?

Ditched on ditch day --

hit's like
I don't have any friends.

Oh, honey, come here.

Okay, off you go.


Hey, there.

Uh, hi, uh, yeah,
this is nurse hennessy.

How may I help you?

Oh, I see, so you got somebody
there with you, eh?

Yes, that is correct.

so should I respect that

and let you gracefully
get off the phone,

or should I get flirty again

and embarrass the hell
out of you?

Thank you.

Uh, actually, we have
all the gauze that we need,

although I may be running low
hon tongue depressors.

Perhaps you could call back
hin minutes?

Uh, will do.


Bye, cutie pie.

Did that guy
just call you "cutie pie"?

Those pharmaceutical reps,

they'll do anything
for a sale.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for Mr. Clodney.

He's like a half hour late
for my history class.

Uh, care bear?

Mr. Clodney is
in the teachers' lounge

getting a scalp massage.

You're such
a goody-two-shoes.

I am not!

And at least my friends
didn't dump me for fat Joe.

Big Joe --
he prefers big Joe.



Where are you?

And then bring the goat back
here and tie it to the flagpole.

Any questions?
- This so stupid.

You guys are gonna get
in so much trouble.

That's real smart,
blabbing this

hin front of
your goody-two-shoes sister.

I am not
a goody-two-shoes.

You're just mad because
I reported you for smoking.

That was you?

Secondhand smoke kills --
I did it for everyone.

Oh, my god,
I am a goody-two-shoes.

You're not
gonna tell, are you?

Not if you let me be a part of it.

That's right,
I'm gonna be a bad girl!

I'm gonna steal a goat!

Let's go, Rory.

There are lasers everywhere.

Just step
very lightly, carefully.

Well, I don't know, ed.

I think I'm doing
the right thing

by keeping the kids
in the dark.

What do you think?

Look, if you were not gonna
keep them in the dark,

what would you tell them?

I'd tell them
exactly what we're doing.

What exactly are we doing?

Well, look,
I'm crazy about you.

And you can't go five minutes

without asking me
what I'm wearing.

Hi think
we're officially dating.

Officially dating...

I like that.

So, it's a good thing,

and I think
you should tell them.

This is gonna be great!
This is gonna be great!

If we're gonna steal a goat,
we'll need to borrow mom's car.

Oh, forget that!
We'll steal a car!

Whoa, whoa, easy, lil' Kim.

Look, I've worked up
a whole story to tell mom.

It may take awhile,
but I'll get us that car.

Maybe you're right, ed.

I've always had this very
open relationship with my kids.

Maybe I'm ready
to tell them about us.

Mom, hear me out.

We need to borrow
the minivan --

take the keys -- here.
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go!

Not quite ready.

I can't believe
I didn't -- you volunteered!

We were supposed to take her
back to school.

With the guard there?
We would have been busted!

We had a plan! We should have
stuck to the plan!

I knew I wasn't cut out
for a life of crime.

Shh! Sit down,
you stupid tiger goat!

Let's just take her back.

We can't take her back,
they're looking for her!

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

Okay, listen --
we'll hide her at home,

then sneak out tonight
and put her back.

Hoh, my god,
what if it doesn't work?

What kind of college
is gonna accept me

with "goat stealer"
on my record?

A ba-a-a-a-d one.

What do we do
with her now, genius?

Just get her up
to your room.

My room?
Why not your room?

Because your room
already smells like a barn.

Oh, god, there's grandpa.

Just get her upstairs.

God, this goat stinks!

Have you ever smelled
anything this bad?


Good going!

I was just
playing tug-of-w*r.

That was mom's
favorite green sweater.

I didn't know the goat
was gonna eat it!

Hhyou are
completely cruel and unfair.

I gave you half my cupcake.

You sucked the cream out,
that's not giving it to me.


Cream sucker!

you were upstairs?

Why were you upstairs?
Hyou never go upstairs.

Your mom wanted me to take
some things to the cleaners.

Has anybody seen
her green sweater?

Nope, haven't seen it.

Hdidn't even know
she had a green sweater.

Ah, no problem,
I'm sure it'll turn up.

Oh, oh, oh, one more thing --

why is there
a goat in the bathroom?

You brought it here?

Ah, you got Rory
to do your dirty work.

Oh, so you just assume
I had nothing to do with it?

You stole a goat?

No, sir.

Oh, my god, that's mom.

Grandpa, you're not gonna
say anything, are you?

Well, it's been
kind of a slow news day,

I think I'll just
let this one play out.

Hey, I just had
the best ditch day.

I won $ at poker

and I had a couple
of margaritas for lunch.

Sounds like everybody had
a little adventure today.

You know, that second one might
have been a mistake, though,

because when I got dropped off
hby Mr. Clodney,

I could have sworn I saw a goat
out of the upstairs window.


Whoa, strong drinks.

Ah, ha, ha --
what's that smell?

Kerry, I told you to take
a shower today.

I'll go do that right now.

and wash under your pits!

Yeah, I get it.
I'm going.

Well, while you're at it,
would you wash the goat?

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Oh, come on,
when your mother sobers up,

she's gonna know
that's a goat.

Uh, what the hell's
going on?

It's the goat
from taft high.

You guys stole a goat?
What were you thinking?

Rory wanted to do it
for his ditch-day prank.

It was Bridget's idea!

Which I would have
executed perfectly

if C.J. hadn't stuck me
in detention!

I wouldn't have
given you detention

if you hadn't blabbed
to your mother!

Blabbed about what?

Not exactly nothing.
What's the big secret?

You know, we are getting
way off the subject here.

Did you actually think
that you could steal a goat

and nobody would find out?

Did you think you could drive
principal gibb to the airport

and no one would
find out?


You drove principal gibb
to the airport?

Please tell me it was
a curbside drop-off.

Oh, no, she walked him in.
They ate cinnamon buns.

Oh, my god!

Hoh, come on, Cate,
I think you'd better tell them.

Oh, look, you guys...

I like ed.

We have a great time together.

And as of this morning,
we are officially dating.

Why didn't you
tell us before?

I guess I was
a little afraid.

This is the first time
I've been interested

in anyone since dad

and...i just wasn't sure
you were ready.

I wasn't sure I was ready.

Well, mom, we're a little bit
more grown up than you think.

And we want you to be happy.

We all do.

The goat may have issues.

I love you guys.
Hcome here.

Wow, so this is serious?

Well, we're not asking
any questions.

We're just keeping it
really low-key --

you know, no pressure.

Are there any more big secrets
we should know about

while we're
clearing the air?

Go ahead, tell them, Cate.

All right...

I ate both cinnamon buns.

Hold on.


Hey, Cate.
Hhoh, hi, ed.

Come on, guys, let's give
your mom some privacy.

Hhno, it's okay.
I'm just here with the family.

Oh, okay, uh,
when should I call back?

Hno, we can talk.
Everything's out in the open.

Well, I actually think
I should call back.

Hhno, ed,
they're all good with this...

So go ahead.

Okay, um...

I have been offered

a headmaster's job
here in New York.


Oh, well...That's great.

What's great?

You know, actually,

I think the reception is
a little bit better over here.

Uh, wow.

I don't know what to say.

Um...that's incredible.

It's a dream job,

except I just don't know
if I'm going to accept it.

Really? Why not?

Well, there's a lot
of things about Detroit

that I'm not ready
to give up.

Hyou know, ed,
New York is an amazing city.

I'm sure you can find
everything you want there.

Not everything --
and not everyone.

See, part of my decision
depends on how...

Everyone feels about it.

Oh, well,

everyone didn't know
you felt so strongly.

I'm so flattered.

All right, come on, mom,
what's going on?

Seriously, what?

Hoh, ed,
I can't talk right now.

My whole family's here.

Uh, you know what,
you guys?

I actually think
the reception

is much better upstairs.


I know, mom's officially
dating ed gibb.

He's not
gonna date her long

if she keeps eating
those cinnamon buns.

Hi mean,
she seems really happy.

I think
she's in lo-o-o-ve.

Yeah, just what
we need in this house,

another female
on the phone.
Post Reply