Little Fockers (2010)

[bunniefuu]

Sweetheart, remember that you're doing pickup today and you need to call the face painter for the party.

Oh, and Henry needs more Lactaid.

All right. Got it.

Pick up the kids, call the face painter, get Lactaid. I got it.

Also, I'm gonna drop by the new house and see how the work's coming.

Oh, okay, awesome.

Can you make sure that you measure the backyard for the bouncy castle?

We're gonna have a bouncy castle at our birthday party?

Do you want a bouncy castle? Yeah.

Then, yes, we'll have the best bouncy castle in the whole world!

Bouncy castle! Bouncy castle! Bouncy castle...

And an Ultimate Fighting Octagon?

Uh... I don't know about that.

But, hey, you talked to me!

I was talking to Mommy.

Okay, but just now, you talked to me by saying that.

Why does she have such a problem?

It's just a phase. Don't push it.

PAM: Hey, sweetheart, it hurts Daddy's feelings when you give him the silent treatment.

I'm ready for school, I'm ready for school! Pick me up, pick me up!

All right. Hey, Henry, you know you can't bring Arthur to school.

But he's my best friend.

Honey, he's your best lizard friend.

You've got lots of non-lizard friends.

Not really.

Really?

Nope.

Oh. All right, have a good day. I love you.

You're kidding me!

You can't take that to school, monkey. Go put that in your room.

Sam, I will see you. I love you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Sam. Hey.

What? Yeah, oh, golly, okay. See you.

Thanks. Love you.

(DOOR BANGS)

There he is!

Hey, Randy. How you doing?

Gregory Focker!

How's it going?

Wonderful to see you. Great to see you.

Listen, I just came by to check out the backyard and measure

'cause we want to do a bouncy castle for the kids' birthday party.

Aw.

That's terrific, Gregory.

Okay, you're about five minutes late.

Yeah, I know.

A Miss Denslow from the administrative board called.

She wants to get a list of the budget cuts.

You have a meeting in 20 minutes with John Raider and some drug rep from Pfosten Pharmaceuticals is waiting in your office. Andi something.

There's a drug rep in there?

Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS) Okay, look, in three minutes, pop your head in and tell me I have to go to my next meeting.

Okay. All right?

Sorry, I got to make this really quick. I got a very busy morning.

I understand, Nurse Focker. I'm Andi Garcia.

Oh, hi.

You have a lot less stubble in person.

I'm... There's an actor named Andy Garcia.

Who?

Widow's peak. Sort of tough guy.

I was just kidding. Of course, I know who Andy Garcia is.

I get that all the time.

Yeah. You must get it all the time

'cause you're named Andi Garcia.

I loved the article you wrote in the AMA Journal, "Putting Patients First."

You read that? I loved it.

It was so cool getting a nurse's perspective on the health care crisis.

Yeah, that was the idea.

I actually started out as a nurse, myself.

Really? Oh, well, nowadays, I do less nursing and more...

Annoying meetings with drug reps you'd rather not deal with?

Hey, Greg, it's time for your next meeting.

That's okay, I'm fine, Kristen. Thank you.

Yeah, but he doesn't like to wait.

You know how he is, you know.

Well, it's John Raider?

Yeah, he's really picky...

He always runs late. Always runs late. Thanks.

ANDI: You're swamped. No, I'm good. You want to have a seat?

Yeah. Okay.

I'll make this quick.

So we are launching a k*ller new product at Pfosten and, while we usually hire doctors to lead our presentations, I have a feeling about you.

I think you have the potential to be a medical superstar.

And you'd be perfect to represent our new drug, Sustengo.

Ah. Sustengo. All right. It's an erectile dysfunction medicine.

It's not just any erectile dysfunction medicine.

It's the first ED pill on the market safe for heart patients.

Because, in addition to increasing the penile blood flow...

See that penis?

It acts as a beta blocker to keep the heart rate down during intercourse.

I mean, how dope is that?

(CHUCKLES)

That's pretty dope.

WOMAN ON PA: Nurse Focker needed in room 220 B, stat.

I'm sorry, hang on one second.

Nurse Focker, room 220 B.

ANDROVSKY: Will you get out of my ass?

If you would stop squirming around...

But you don't know what you're doing.

It could have been over, sir. Hey, hey, hey, how you doing there, Mr. Androvsky? Everything okay?

Well, this nurse is a barbarian.

Okay, I'm not a barbarian.

He keeps clenching and I can't make an insertion.

Louis, it's...

It's a natural response to protect that cavity.

You're right, it is a natural response.

I would protect my cavity, too.

And we just got to do it a little bit gentler.

May I suggest something?

Sir, why don't you extend your left leg and put your right knee right up to your chest.

It'll help relax things down there.

She's right.

You just do that and you just grab the side of the bed there, like that, and exhale... There you go.

Nurse, did you sufficiently lubricate the nozzle?

I did do that. Great.

Good, good, okay. You got this?

Yep.

GREG: All right. Take a nice deep breath.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

And focus on relaxing your anus.

Right. That's right. You just want to let it dilate, sort of like a flower opening up.

Blossoming lotus.

Sort of like a desert cactus.

Maturing.

(ANDROVSKY GROANS) It's okay.

Just a little, friendly visitor just saying hello.

All right, I'm just gonna stick it in a little further.

Oh!

Good smooth insertion.

Thank you.

I'm gonna release the clamp. And let it flow.

(SIGHS) Better.

How's that?

That was great.

Nice technique.

That was so fun.

Yeah, yeah.

I was thinking about it and, honestly, I just don't have time to moonlight pitching a drug right now.

sh*t down. (LAUGHS)

No, it's not you. It's just...

No, I get it, you know.

Running nursing in med-surge is a big job.

Yeah, yeah, so big, I'm making less than I did when I was in the ER.

Look, we are sponsoring a convention at the Hilton.

Mmm-hmm.

You can make tons of dough for, like, one speech.

Think about it.

Okay. I will, I'll think about it. Okay.

Knuckles?

Knuckles.

That was bad-ass, by the way.

Yeah. Literally.

JACK: Dr. Bob.

Scumbag.

DINA: Jack, my taxi's here.

Oh, honey, I just got off with Deb.

They are officially separated.

Dr. Bob finished moving out.

That lowlife.

Yeah. You can say that again.

You sure you don't want me to come with you?

No, you know, I think Deb needs a little mother-daughter time, honey.

All right?

Having an affair with a nurse.

I can't believe I didn't see the warning signs.

He was very discreet.

She didn't even know until she saw those text messages.

Whatever you call them.

Yeah, but I'm trained to detect that sort of behavior, honey, and the truth is I was so busy putting Focker through the wringer, Dr. Bob slipped right under my radar.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Well, I'll never let that happen again.

Are you having one of your little heart palpies again, Jack?

My muscles are a little tight!

Yeah, yeah. From stress.

I can see that. Okay, will you just, please, just relax, okay?

Everything is gonna be all right. Honest.

(GRUNTS) (TAXI HORN HONKING)

Oh, I got to go. Okay.

I'm gonna miss you.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Mom.

Hello, my precious prince, how are you, darling?

Good. How's the TV show going?

Oh, great. You know what this week's episode is about?

Using the latest sexual toys to spice up your love life.

Really? Yeah.

As an early Hanukkah present, I'm gonna send you and Pam a box of these musical condoms.

Don't do that.

You got to hear this, honey. There's a little speaker inside.

And the faster you go, the louder it gets.

You know what? Mom, Pam and I are fine. We don't need musical condoms.

Honey, every couple can use a little stimulation.

Oh, by the way, interesting episode last week.

Which one? "Masturbation Through The Ages"?

I thought we agreed you weren't gonna talk about me on the air anymore.

Please, it was just a little anecdote about carpal tunnel syndrome from excessive self-pleasuring.

I have to connect your father now, okay?

We need to tell you something.

(FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Ooh.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hi! Gay? Roz?

Hello? Yeah, I'm here.

Gaylord? Dad?

Can you hear me? Where are you?

You won't believe it. I'm in Seville, Spain.

Where... What are you doing in Spain?

I'm studying.

ROZ: Sweetheart, your father decided that he's not gonna make it to the twins' party.

What?

Gay, you remember when your mother's show hit number one in the ratings and she signed on for a second year?

I looked in the mirror and I said, "Who am I?"

Then I see this clip on the YouTube and there is a Spanish guy and he's dancing the flamenco.

And the sweat is pouring off of his face and there is such passion in his eyes and I said, "That's it!" That's what?

That's me. I am flamenco! I will master this art.

Dad, this is crazy. What are you doing? You're in Spain?

You're gonna miss the party?

You picked a hell of a time to go through man-opause.

Roz, I am not going through man-opause, I'm just trying to find my true north.

True north, huh? What are you, a compass or something?

No, but let's face it.

I'm a stay-at-home dad whose kid hasn't lived at home in 25 years.

There's an Arthur Murray studio right here in Miami Beach.

Why schlep all the way to Spain?

I can't believe you, Roz.

Why can't you support my dreams the way I have always supported yours?

Guys, guys... BERNIE: When you wanted to try new sex positions for your research, I was your guinea pig!

You volunteered.

BERNIE: I pulled my hamstring... Hey! Hey!

...doing a reverse cowgirl!

That's because you did it backwards.

I never went soft on you.

ROZ: Bernie, do you hear how you're upsetting your son?

BERNIE: Let me talk. Listen, will you?

That son of a bitch.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

(PURRING)

Hello? OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?

Yeah, my name is Jack Byrnes. I live at 28 Cherry Blossom Lane.

I'm going into cardiac arrest.

I need an ambulance right away.

I'm guessing your average response time at this hour is between 12 and 17 minutes.

I need you to do better than that. Thank you, goodbye.

Stay calm, Mr. Jinx. I'm going to defibrillate myself.

Clear!

(JACK GROANS)

Seriously, though, my dad, he always sounds a little crazy, but this was like a whole different level.

No, I mean they were really going at it. Really?

She accused him of going through man-opause.

(CHUCKLES)

Is that a real thing?

Your parents have the best marriage of anyone I know.

They will be fine.

Yeah, I guess so.

You were talking about the kids.

Really, their teacher suggested private school?

Yeah, she said she was concerned about them "getting lost" in the public school system or something.

What's the name of this place?

The Early Human School.

I have absolutely heard of that place.

Sounds like a school for Neanderthals.

No, it's actually considered the Harvard of kindergartens.

Mmm. Well, I think Harvard's cheaper.

(BEEPING)

I'll go see who that is.

Hey, greetings from the Black Sea. You look terrific.

Hi, stranger, thanks. What are you doing there?

Listen, Pam. Is there any way I could speak to Greg?

I want to get his advice on something, believe it or not.

Sure, absolutely. Hey, Greg?

GREG: Yeah.

Greg, honey, it's your buddy, Kevin.

Hold on. Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

How you doing, man?

I was just doing a little sailing and living the dream, G-Diggity-Dog.

Cheers! Kevin.

Hey. You need a refill on that goji berry smoothie?

You read my mind. Fill her up, Pak-Man.

Greg, you know Deepak Chopra, right?

I know of him.

Hi, Greg. Hi, Mr. Chopra.

Dr. Chopra.

KEVIN: Get out of here, you rascal.

So, listen, the reason why I'm calling is because next week...

Kevin, who do you Skype with?

I am just talking to my friend, Greg Focker.

Hey. KEVIN: Come here.

Hey, honey, what'd you do with Henry's Lactaid?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, crap, I forgot. Sorry.

Well, okay. But did you call the face-paint lady?

No, I'm sorry.

I had, like, 97 things to do, so...

Honey, I asked you to do two things, that's all I asked.

I know. Sorry, babe.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, so here's the dealio.

I'm going to propose to Svetlana.

You're gonna propose? That's incredible.

I'm gonna have three Russian MiG fighter jets fly by and skywrite "Marry me, Svetlana."

And then I'm gonna hide a 50-carat super-tasteful diamond ring in this tin of extremely rare beluga.

Then we will finish the night with a special performance that I choreographed with members of the Bolshoi Ballet, dedicated to our love.

Thoughts?

Honestly, I'm thinking maybe it's a little too involved.

Yeah?

I mean, with Pam, my whole thing was just keep it simple, speak from the heart.

Keep it simple and speak from the heart. I like it, hombre.

You know what? I'd better call off some Russian MiG fighter jets.

And, hey, by the time I get to Chi-town, this old dog here could be an engaged man.

(WHOOPS)

Hey, Kevin? Yeah.

The jet skis are ready!

The jet skis are ready?

Well, fire 'em up for me. Okay.

I'll be right there.

Jet-skiing monks.

Wow, I cannot believe that Kevin is finally settling down.

Well, I think he's found a soul mate.

Yeah?

Hey, you're gonna eat some of this. She seemed nice.

Yeah. I am very happy for Kevin.

I love him, especially when he's not obsessed with you.

Oh, come on. You're being ridiculous.

(PHONE RINGING) PAM: Oh, you got it?

Hey, sweetheart, will you please take a bite of the lasagna, honey?

HENRY: No. Uh-uh. Do you not like it?

Hey, what's the good word, Grandpa Jack?

Yay!

JACK: Greg.

This is Jack Byrnes.

Yeah, I know. I could tell from the caller ID.

How are you doing?

Greg, excuse yourself from the table by saying these exact words, "I don't know if I still have it, but let me check my files."

What? If Pam asks you what I want, tell her that I asked you to locate your birth certificate for my genealogical work.

Just do it.

I don't know if I have that, Jack, but let me check my files.

Files? You have files?

Yes, yeah, I do. I keep files.

He wants me to get my birth certificate for that family tree thing he's doing.

Jack? Everything okay?

Everything is fine, Greg, I suffered a minor heart att*ck, but I was able to defibrillate myself before going into fatal cardiac arrest.

Jesus! You defibrillated yourself?

The doctor said I was a lucky man and I've just got to watch my diet and keep my stress level down.

Wow, okay, so I guess you guys aren't gonna be able to come to the twins' birthday party.

No, Dina and I will be there as planned, Greg.

And I was able to keep this on a need-to-know basis.

And right now, you're the only person who needs to know.

Well, come on, Jack. I mean, I think Dina needs to know.

Greg, stop talking and listen.

Okay.

Now, my genealogical research has allowed me to track the Byrnes family as far back as 1643.

1643?

Now, I wouldn't be able to do that, say, to your family, what with all the wandering peddlers and nameless peasants.

Mmm-hmm.

But, as long as there have been Byrneses, there's always been a patriarch to lead our family through good times and bad.

And I've finally come to the realization that the next in line to the throne, Greg, is you.

Me.

Yes, you, Greg.

Well... So my question is this, in the event of my demise, are you prepared to lead this family?

You know, Jack, we're right in the middle of dinner.

Maybe we could talk about this, you know, when you come into town.

If I go down, Greg, I need to know someone will be responsible for the whole Byrnes clan.

So I ask you, Greg, are you prepared to be the Godfocker?

The Godfocker?

The Godfocker.

Well, that is a very powerful turn of phrase, Jack.

And when you say Godfocker, I mean... (CHUCKLES)

I mean, I think I know what you mean, but I'm just...

What exactly does that mean?

It's an attitude, Greg. It's a confidence.

It's the way you carry yourself that lets the world know that the buck stops with you.

Yeah, I hear you. Mmm-hmm.

None of this can be achieved without the basics.

A secure home for your family, a top-notch education for your children...

Okay.

...and last but not least, having your financial house in order, Greg.

Is that it? (LAUGHS)

Are you laughing?

Yeah, no, I'm just... I was making... No.

Because this is no laughing matter, Greg.

Good, 'cause I'm not laughing. Okay?

Are you saying you have what it takes to be the Godfocker?

Greg?

Yes, Jack. I have what it takes to be the Godfocker.

I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

And an equally great weight put onto yours.

I like it. I like the weight. I want it.

All right. Need-to-know.

Need-to-know. Just you and me.

See you in two weeks.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, did you find it?

Find what?

Your birth certificate?

Yes. It was in my files.

Mmm.

You know, I was thinking, maybe we should take a look at that Early Human School.

Great. I'll make some phone calls and set up a tour.

Good. Good.

Samantha.

Henry.

You gonna have your lasagna?

No, thank you.

You know, your mother worked very hard making that lasagna for you.

No. It tastes funny.

He said he was feeling kind of queasy, so...

It's okay.

Henry, I'm your father and I'm requesting of you to eat the lasagna.

Fine.

Good.

(PAM GASPS)

(LAUGHING)

Hello. GREG: Hello?

Greg? This is Jack Byrnes.

Jack Byrnes, this is Greg Focker.

I know, Greg. I called you.

Dina and I will be there in approximately 18 seconds.

Eighteen seconds, got it.

Oh, no, that's yours, honey.

Welcome, in-laws!

Oh, Gregor. My goodness.

Dina, Dina Bobina, Banana Fana Fofina.

I'm so happy to see you.

Lovely Dina.

You, too, Gregor.

Hello, Jack.

Greg.

Everything okay, Greg?

Everything's great.

Good.

Unfortunately, renovations on the house, not quite where I'd like them to be.

Well, those things happen.

They do. I mean, never to me before.

And Sam here has done very, very well with her tae kwon do lessons.

She's a... What are you? A yellow belt now?

Yep.

Yellow belt.

Wow, sweetheart. Very impressive.

She's lethal. She is a ninja.

PAM: Proud of her.

Now, Henry, you're going to drink your milk, aren't you?

You want to hit the same growth spurt as your sister.

DINA: (WHISPERS) Jack.

I'm just saying, you know, it's hard to believe that they're three minutes apart.

Shh.

Henry, do what your grandpa says.

Aw, man. For real.

Good man.

Okay. Who wants some turkey?

I do, right here! Right here!

Sweetheart, you didn't have to make a whole turkey just for us.

Why not?

Actually, Greg did it.

DINA: Greg.

Well, I remember at last year's Thanksgiving, Jack said he liked roast turkey so much and he couldn't understand why people only had it once a year.

Excellent memory, Greg.

Plus, it's a wonderfully lean meat. Healthy. Good for your heart.

(CHUCKLES) Such a sweetheart.

Grandpa Jack, can I ask you a question?

You surely can.

How come you're afraid of lizards?

Henry, that's a very good question. And I'll tell you why.

When I was stationed in the Mekong Delta during the Vietnam w*r, a tiny gecko crawled into my ear one night and laid its eggs.

And I had to endure the torturous probing of our unit's medic to remove the lizard larvae from my ear canal before they hatched into my brain.

Jack.

Cool.

Yuck.

Yes, thanks for sharing that, Dad.

All right, gobble, gobble, everybody! It's turkey time!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

DINA: That looks good. That's a work of art.

Thank you very much.

Looks great, Greg.

Thank you, Jack. And to carve it, I thought we might use the beautiful Irish hunting Kn*fe emblazoned with the Byrnes family crest that Jack so thoughtfully brought back for us from his ancestral homeland.

Look at that, kids. DINA: Great.

Wow. Look at that.

See that crest? That was used by your ancestors long time ago, back in the olden days, to identify their family.

Daddy, can I ask you a question?

Absolutely. He loves history. Just soaks it up.

Can a girl poop from her vag*na?

No, she cannot.

They're a little young for genealogy.

GREG: Yes.

Just a little off topic there.

Jack. Here you go!

Greg. You're the turkey carver now.

Thank you. I'm honored.

All right. Let's carve the roast beast!

DINA: Mmm.

Let's see. I think I'll start right side.

DINA: Nice and tender.

So, Greg, how are you liking your new job?

Well, I'll tell you, Dina, it's a lot of responsibility on my plate.

But that's kind of what I love about it.

I mean, the opportunity to manage an entire unit, in a way, it's kind of like...

(SCREAMS) (YELLS)

Christ! sh*t!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Why couldn't you just get him a warm-blooded animal?

Pressure. SAMANTHA: Mom!

(RINGING)

PAM: Honey. It's okay, it's okay, honey.

Hello. PAM: Where is he going? Are you okay?

Hey, Kevin!

It's Kevin, everybody.

What? Okay.

You're in Chicago?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey. Hey.

Hey, everybody. Hello. Kevin.

J.B.

Oh! Good to see you.

There he is! The engaged guy!

How you doing, man?

Oh! What happened to your pointer?

I had a little incident with the business end of a turkey. It's cool.

Where's Svetlana? Yeah!

Or should I say, the future Mrs. Kevin Rawley?

She broke up with me.

No. Oh.

GREG: You're kidding.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Pam.

You always know exactly the right thing to say to me.

"I'm so sorry"?

My anchor.

What happened?

What? What happened?

I don't know. I'm still trying to make sense of it myself.

We were having some street food outside a government building in Bulgaria and I said, "Hey, you want to get married?"

And I took out a little piece of string and I tied the twine around her finger, and she just... She threw it on the ground and said no.

Or nyet, 'cause she's Russian.

She caught the next plane out of there. Adios, Kevin.

Your proposal seems way out of character.

Why did you put so little effort into it?

Greg told me to.

What are you... Kevin, no, no.

What are you talking about? I didn't... HENRY: Daddy?

I can't sleep.

Still in diapers.

No, Jack, they're pull-ups. We're weaning him off diapers.

What's up, man?

I can't stop thinking about all that blood.

Really? All right, well, how about I read you a story?

Uncle Kevin!

How you doing, tiger?

Good. Oh!

Wow.

Are you having a hard time sleeping?

Yeah. Oh.

(CRACKS)

There we go.

Jesus. Henry?

Are you... Shh. He's sleeping.

He's sleeping. I put him in a still-point.

It's a massage technique that relaxes the body by gently easing the flow of cerebrospinal fluid.

Yeah. Look at him.

He's gonna wake up feeling so refreshed.

I've been studying a lot of Eastern medicine in my down time.

Well, listen, I just came by to say my hellos, so I will head on out.

Good. Okay.

Hey, Kev, listen, do you need a place to stay?

No, he doesn't. You got a place to stay, right?

And we're pretty full up. Not a problem.

I volunteer at a South Side homeless shelter.

So, I'll probably stay there and just work the soup kitchen line in the morning.

That is so wonderful, Kevin.

Yeah, it's funny, I feed them food, but those vagrants and drifters feed my soul, so it works out pretty good for all of us.

Perfect. We always need extra hands, if you guys wanna come on down tomorrow...

Actually, Greg and I are taking a tour of this place called the Early Human School tomorrow.

But maybe after... You're kidding me, the Early Human School?

Right.

My investment group handles their endowment fund.

In fact, the director, Prudence, is a dear friend and ex-lover of mine.

I'm gonna put in a good word for you.

That would be great, wouldn't it?

Oh, of course.

Or not. I mean, you know, she's an ex-lover, I think that'd be awkward.

No, nonsense. I'm on great terms with all my ex-lovers.

Thanks. Sure.

Okay. All right, well, you know, whatever feels right.

After the tour, Greg, I was hoping you'd show us your new house.

And, Kevin, when you're done feeding the bums, why don't you meet us there?

Okay. I'll be there.

You know what, Jack? I still have some items on the punch list to go through with the contractors, so I'm thinking maybe we should put it off for a few days.

Ah, no, let's do it tomorrow. Well, I think...

We'll meet you there at noon, Kevin. I don't know.

At noon? Yeah, all right. Okay.

And we're gonna get you through this.

Anything you need, you come to me.

Okay. Thanks, J.B.

Yeah. Or me.

Okay.

Well, you can come to either of us.

Yeah, we're here for you.

Thanks.

Careful, yeah.

PAM: I feel like crap. GREG: Yeah.

You're burning up.

Yeah, I must have gotten the flu the kids had last week.

Oh, my God, the school tour is today.

Yeah, I know.

Honey, what am I gonna do?

I'll do it. Okay? I'll handle it.

Yeah? Yeah, and your mom can take the kids to school.

But what about my dad?

I got it, all right?

I really appreciate your including me on the school tour, Greg.

Oh, Jack, you are a trusted advisor.

I mean, your words hit home about a top-notch education, getting your financial house in order.

That's it. That's it.

It's all about the kids, right?

The next generation.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Makes me feel that I've chosen wisely.

Of course, children change everything in a marriage, and that was the issue with Debbie and Bob.

They stopped finding time for each other once LJ came into their lives, so Bob sought sexual fulfillment outside the marriage.

Mmm.

Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob.

He really disappointed me.

I'll tell you something. I'd like to really teach that bastard a lesson.

I happen to have his new address.

Perhaps you and I should sneak in there one night and plant a tiny expl*sive device in the stove.

Make it look like a gas leak.

Yeah. Yeah.

Or we could, you know, maybe find some less criminal way of teaching him a lesson.

You know, still get him.

I'm only joking, Greg.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

But it would be fun.

Yeah, oh, it would be great.

I'm hoping that you and Pam are still finding time for each other.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, are you kidding? Yeah, no, no, we're great, we're...

Good.

I mean, you know, it's not easy.

You got to work at it, but...

Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?

To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.

Even after her body's endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?

Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood.

That's disgusting.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Welcome, parents.

I'm Prudence Simmons, director of the Early Human School.

And at E.H.S., we know.

We know that no two early humans are alike.

So why should their educational experiences be identical? Right?

Makes sense.

It's not about the 99.8 % of graduates that go on to the best secondary schools.

Wow, impressive.

Yeah.

That guy's really been hitting the Bowflex, huh?

What?

It's not the overwhelming number of Early Human alumni that become civic leaders, CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. No.

What's important to us is that they become themselves.

PRUDENCE: Please welcome the Early Human Tumblers!

Whoo!

Kids are really good.

I like what I'm seeing from this place.

Yeah. And I'm sure it doesn't come cheap.

Mmm-mmm.

You think you can swing it?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, I got it covered.

And, you know, if it's not covered right now, it will be covered.

It's one of those things that you cover it.

Do you have the money or not, Greg?

New friends, hello!

Hi.

Hi, I'm Prudence. Greg?

Greg. How are you?

Jack? Jack Byrnes.

So, Jack and Greg, tell me what path you've chosen.

How do you make a "living"?

Oh, okay, well, I'm a nurse.

Oh.

He's being modest.

He's actually the department manager of the medical-surgical unit at Chicago Memorial and I am a retired florist.

What a combination, a nurse and a florist?

How great.

May I ask how long you've been in each other's lives?

Oh, I'd say... Well, it's about eight years, hasn't it been?

Yeah, eight years.

I'd say eight years. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Eight great years. Yeah.

Eight great years.

Well, it started out a little rocky.

We've had our moments.

Yes, but then we figured it out.

You seem like a wonderful couple.

No, no, no. We're not h*m*. Yeah, no.

No, no. No, no, no, no, this is my son-in-law.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.

However, if you're looking to fill a quota, we can be flexible.

Okay, that's an interesting joke, but I appreciate levity in a moment of misunderstanding, so thank you, Greg.

I will say, Jack, I hope I didn't offend you.

Oh. No, no.

Really?

No. I mean, I'm not gay myself, but if I were gay, I would certainly be proud to choose a life partner like Gay Focker.

And that's his actual name.

Oh.

It is. Well, it's my, Gaylord was my name when I was a kid and, yeah.

Well, I'll complete the conversation with that.

Jack.

Prudence. Pleasure.

Gay. Great. Greg.

Change that nametag.

You can call... It's Greg. Greg is fine.

Why don't we just stick with the truth?

An original American Foursquare, Greg, very nice.

Yeah, yeah. It's got rock-solid bones and, you know, it's...

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Hey! There they are.

Kev-O, that's quite a rental. KEVIN: Yeah.

Gustavo, my assistant, hooked it up.

I guess it's a Tesla Roadster or something.

Supposedly eco-friendly, like that 2003 Prius, Greg.

Yeah, you got it.

Wow. It looks great.

Traditional American Foursquare.

Also known as a Prairie Box.

KEVIN: Yeah. GREG: It's got really good bones.

Good eye, Kev.

(MEN LAUGHING)

MAN: Look out for your legs.

RANDY: That's good.

Randy? Randy, what is this?

Gregory Focker!

Great to see you. How you doing, Dad?

GREG: Hey.

Randy, what is this? We're having the party here in two days.

RANDY: Um...

Refresh my memory, Gregory.

Are you kidding me? Randy, the twins' birthday party, remember?

Yes, of course!

The issue we're dealing with is that we had to excavate 60 feet of root-infested pipe back here!

So, of course, we ran into some unexpected costs along with an obvious delay.

Randy, is this yard gonna be done or is it not gonna be done?

Jack, I got this. All right?

KEVIN: All Mr. Byrnes is suggesting is that maybe inadvertently you're taking advantage of a gentle, trusting soul who clearly is an amateur when it comes to home construction.

No, Kevin. Thank you, Swami Salami.

That's not true at all.

It is true, Greg. They're ripping you off.

No, Jack... Your plumbing excavators have been on coffee break for the past eight minutes, this senior citizen over here is unfit for active duty and your backhoe driver's halfway through a Sudoku puzzle.

All right. Gregory, who is this joker questioning my honor?

Nobody's questioning your honor, Randy.

I'm 34 years in the trade!

Thirty-four years, huh?

I got to pump, dump and hump to get that backyard whole again!

Well, I got news for you. You can pump, dump and hump all you want!

You're sandbagging this damn job and you know it.

All right. You know what? Jack, Jack, Jack!

Calm down! (YELLS) You're leaving a big hole, you...

Hey, General! The Japanese surrendered!

The Japanese surrendered! That's it!

What are you talking about?

World w*r Il.

I'll tell you what, Gregor. I have a timeshare in town.

Why don't we have the party there?

Beautiful meadow. It'll be perfect.

No, no, Kevin, I promised the kids they're gonna have the party in the yard.

So, guess what? We're gonna have the party in the yard. Okay?

Soon as our dump truck driver's back from lunch, we'll get that out, bring the backhoe in, lay down your base layer of sand.

Wait a minute. You're telling us that you can't move that rig?

That's a union job, pops.

Screw it. I'm gonna move that truck myself.

RANDY: No, come on. No, you know what, Jack?

I'll do it, okay? You just help me back it out into the street. I got it.

Here we go.

All right, start backing her up. You're all clear.

Coming at you, Jack!

You're doing great, you're doing great.

Hey, look, I'm not in the union, Randy! I'm backing up the truck!

Come on. Back, back, back. Doing great. Doing great! Doing great!

Whoa! Whoa!

Brake it!

Oh!

You got it!

We're good. RANDY: Emergency brake!

Got it!

(SCREAMING)

Jack! Holy sh*t!

Hang on, I'm with you!

Jack, I'm right here. Jack, we're gonna get you!

It's gonna be all right, Jack!

Jack, we're coming! Hang on, Jack!

I got him!

I got you.

It's Kevin. I'm right here. (JACK COUGHS)

Thank you, Kevin. Save your strength.

Upsy-daisy. Greg's right here. He's okay.

Yeah, I see him.

Hey, Jack.

Oh, here, it's starting.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Roz Focker Show!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And that means it's time to sexpress yourself!

Hello, my audience!

Hello, my friends. Welcome.

Today, what do you think we're going to talk about?

MAN: Sex! Sex. Sex.

Well, what else is she gonna talk about?

Sex after children.

How do you find time to make love with young children in the house?

What do you do if it's not working?

Do you have an affair?

ALL: No!

No, you say? But Roz Focker says yes!

Yes, you do have an affair!

You have an affair with your wife!

Oh, Roz!

ROZ: Think about it, right?

You dress up a little nicer. You meet at a hotel.

You role play.

There is absolutely no shame in playing out a fantasy, but with each other!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

All right?

Now, he's gonna k*ll me, (GIGGLES) but my own son, who is the father of two adorable twins, he has issues in this department.

He's busy at work. She's busy at home.

Their intimacy numbers are down. They're not connecting.

And what do you do?

It's called Sustengo. Sustengo?

I got to say, that sounds pretty cheesy, Greg.

Yeah, well, I'm looking at these Randy Weir bills, okay.

And we could definitely use the money.

And do me a favor. Don't tell your dad about this, okay?

My dad? Why?

Just 'cause he's been all into me having my financial house in order or whatever, and I just don't want to worry him. All right, fine.

I won't say anything because he's already pretty upset about you trying to bury him alive. (LAUGHS)

Honey, it was an accident.

Superstar!

Hey. Hey, can you hang on a second?

Okay.

I am so stoked you changed your mind.

You are going to rock those urologists tonight.

Awesome. That's always been a goal of mine.

So, I'll see you at 8:00 at the Hilton?

Yes.

And wear a suit. Wear a suit, got it.

Knuckles? Knuckles.

Okay, bye.

Hey. Hello.

Knuckles? Who was that?

That certainly didn't sound like Kristen.

No, no. That was the drug rep.

Andi? Yeah, Andi.

What does she look like?

She's like a... No, she's, like, an ex-nurse.

You wouldn't pick her out of a lineup.

Yeah, I know that you're doing this for us, but the idea of you and some woman named Andi selling boner medicine at a hotel, it really kind of icks me out.

Honey, there's nothing to be icked out about.

Okay, fine.

I love you. I love you, too, honey. Bye.

Okay, bye.

(MIMICKING g*nshots)

So, how come you're not talking to Daddy?

'Cause he said you were cuckoo.

He said I was cuckoo?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, we'll have to discuss that.

Yeah.

But what about Mommy and Daddy?

Is everything okay with them?

I guess they fight sometimes.

Mmm-hmm. And what do they fight about?

Um...

Like Mommy got mad at Daddy because he was going to the hotel with Andi.

Andi?

(CHUCKLES)

Who's Andi?

I can't say because I'm not supposed to be spying.

Like I always tell you, there's nothing wrong with spying as long as you suspect foul play.

So, who's Andi?

Andi gives Daddy his boners.

His what?

Andi gives Daddy his boners.

Uh-huh.

Hey, guys!

DINA: Hey, Greg. How was your day?

HENRY: Yeah. Great.

Hey.

How about you, Sam?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

What? Come on, say something to me.

No! I won't!

Ah! You just did.

Hey, Greg? Yeah.

I'm not so sure using chicanery and subterfuge on your daughter is the best way to get her to communicate with you.

No, no, no. That's not chicanery and subterfuge.

For whatever it's worth.

Worth a lot. Thank you.

And I will see you later, okay?

I got roped into this hospital administration dinner thing tonight, so...

Work function? Yeah.

It's the price of being in charge of the unit, so...

I see. That last minute, huh?

Yeah.

Department head called so I gotta do a little face time and...

Have fun. Okay.

(VIBRATING)

Hmm.

(GRUNTS)

Jack?

Jack!

Is that you?

Greg. What are you doing out here?

Just picking up some milk for the morning.

You looking for a market? Yeah.

Okay, 'cause there's one right across from the house.

Oh, is there? I didn't know that.

Just take a left on Lincoln. Right there.

Thanks, Greg. Okay.

See you later. Okay.

Excuse me.

Hey!

(LAUGHS)

Greg.

Hey, man. You following me?

Following you? Why would I be following you?

No, I'm just looking for milk.

Okay. 'Cause, remember, I mentioned out on the street there, there's a store right in the neighborhood.

True, but Dina likes the organic stuff and I heard there was a natural food market downtown.

Amazing, you going all this way just for a carton of milk.

You know what? You should get off here.

There's a really great natural foods market about two blocks south of the station.

Oh.

Have a good night, Jack.

You, too, Greg.

GREG: Hey.

Oh! Hey.

Superstar!

Everything cool? You seem a little edgy.

No, I'm good. It's just my in-laws are in town, so...

Anyway, I went over the drug info and I think I got the science down pretty well.

Oh, no, Greg. These doctors don't care about that stuff.

If you want to sell a drug like Sustengo, you have to make it personal.

Do you know any sexually frustrated old dudes with a heart condition?

I didn't hear you come in.

What kept you so long?

I just got a little bit lost. Everyone asleep?

Yeah.

We've got the house to ourselves.

I'm so happy that you got away from your wife.

Excuse me?

She's been very suspicious lately.

Quick, quick, quick. We only have an hour.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jack, come on. You've gotta play along.

Roz Focker said we have to have an affair with each other.

I'm role playing.

Right, right, right. I understand.

I just have a bit of a headache, sweetheart, tonight.

I know. You've had that worried look on your face all day.

I promise you, the Focker family is going to be fine.

Now, come on.

Before my husband comes home.

Then, we'd better hurry, my illicit lover. Let me just brush my teeth.

Ooh.

Your father-in-law did not really put you in a lie detector machine.

No, that's true.

That's incredible!

Jesus Christ, I thought my wife's father was bad.

That was a great speech, nurse.

Thank you.

And hey, "I'm staring at you."

(LAUGHING)

It was "I'm watching you," but that's what he did, yes. Thank you.

You k*lled it tonight.

Those stories about your family were hilarious.

Thank you. So, I should be getting going.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're my fiancé.

Hey, gorgeous.

Hello, Dr. Ballard. So nice to see you.

Hey, can I get you 200 cc's of anything you want, stat?

Only if you can buy a drink for my fiancé as well.

Didn't know you were engaged.

Can you take a picture for us for my scrapbook?

You know what? You don't... He doesn't have to do that.

ANDI: Yeah, it's for our scrapbook.

No, you know what, bro? I'm cool like that. I'll do that.

You are such a doll.

Here we go.

One, two, three. Whoa!

Best picture ever.

You look great and you have, like, a red-eye problem.

I'll see you later, babe.

I cannot believe I ever slept with that guy.

Yeah, right.

No, seriously, I did.

At a convention in Milwaukee last summer.

We were, like, drinking tequila, doing rum chasers.

Always a bad idea, right?

Yeah.

Can you get me a margarita on the rocks, no salt?

You know what... I'm gonna run to the restroom.

Gosh. You know what...

All right, cool. You're the best.

All right? All right. All right, okay.

Hi. Can I get a club soda and a margarita on the rocks with no salt?

Thanks.

Night out on the town, Focker?

Dr. Bob. Hey, man!

What are you doing here?

I'm here for the convention. What about you?

Doing some work for Pfosten as a medical expert.

But you're a nurse.

You know what? I don't really have anything to say to you.

Okay, I get it, Greg. I screwed up.

But the pressure of being in that family finally got to me.

What are you talking about? You were his golden boy.

More like his golden bitch.

He wanted Deb and me to get married in Oyster Bay. Done.

Can we name our baby after him? "You got it, Jack."

And he gives me this whole spiel, right, about how I'm next in line to his throne.

He came up with this name for me, the Bobfather.

Really? He said that to you?

He pulled the same sh*t on you, didn't he?

In that family, we're all just hamsters on Jack Byrnes' little wheel.

His Circus of Trust, or whatever he calls it.

Circle of Trust.

I had no idea how deep I was in until I stepped away.

And I'll tell you something, once I got off the treadmill, I've never been happier.

Yeah, well, I think I got it under control.

Hello, Greg.

Hey.

Hey, Jack.

You mind explaining this?

What is that? Oh.

Sustengo. Yeah, that's... You know.

These drug companies, they give me all these free samples.

Is that it?

Or do you need to use this because you're no longer sexually attracted to Pam?

You know what, Jack? That's ridiculous.

Really. You know what?

I'm not even gonna go there with you. This is...

Have a good night, all right? I'm gonna go sleep.

Don't walk away from me, Focker.

Jack, is everything okay down there?

Everything's fine.

Okay. All right. 'Cause you seem to have a little, I mean...

I know what I have, Greg, and I'm not concerned about that right now.

Right now, what I want from you is the truth.

Jack, did you take one of those pills?

Well, I was highly preoccupied and Dina wanted to make love, and the label clearly states that it's safe for heart patients.

Yes, but you need a prescription after you've had a thorough examination.

How long have you had that... The situation for?

Stop avoiding the question.

I'm not avoiding the question.

If you've had that for more than four hours, you could bust a capillary and have serious permanent damage.

How long have you had it?

Been a little longer than four hours.

How long?

Maybe about five and a half.

Jack, you got to get to an ER right now and get a sh*t of adrenaline to counteract that drug.

You're a nurse. Don't you have that kind of stuff in the house?

Yeah, I have an Epi kit, but I'm not gonna give you a sh*t there, okay?

Focker, there is no way I'm going to an ER room with this thing.

Now you need to stick me and you need to stick me now!

I'm having a d*ck att*ck! Stick me!

(WHISPERING) Shh. Just relax. Okay.

I'll get the needle.

All right. I need you to drop your pants.

What kind of sick drug are you dealing to your patients?

Jack, I told you, I took home some samples.

All right? Maybe read the label before you just pick up a drug and eat it.

Let's just do it.

I'm gonna administer the sh*t on the count of three.

Just... All right?

Okay. Just...

It's...

Your hands are cold.

I'm sorry. It's a bit...

Okay.

One, two, three.

Focker!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Wait, what's going on? What happened?

Everything's fine. Henry had a little nightmare, but Greg's got him settled down, okay.

No, no, Jack, I thought I heard you screaming, too.

No, you didn't. It was all Henry.

Well, let me go check on him... Oh, no, no, no.

...and make sure he's okay. You guys go to sleep.

Everything's under control.

Could you and Dad keep it down, please?

Here's Sirius Black. Here's Orange Ninja, okay?

You all right? Yeah.

JACK: (WHISPERS) Greg? Yeah.

How's he doing? He's all right.

You know, he's a little shaken up, but...

Greg, I was involved in some covert CIA-sponsored mind-altering techniques back in the '70s.

I'd like a few minutes alone with him just to erase what he saw from his memory.

You're not gonna erase my son's memory.

Greg, he saw his father inject a needle into his grandfather's penis.

He already has issues. That's something he might never recover from.

I'll handle it, okay? All right?

Okay, thank you.

Hey, buddy.

So, you know how sometimes you need help when you...

When you make a wee-wee? Yeah.

Well, when you get to be Grandpa Jack's age, sometimes you need help making a wee-wee, too.

So that's what you saw me doing.

I was helping Grandpa Jack because he's old.

Well, why did he scream so loud?

He wasn't screaming. He was celebrating, he was just so happy.

He was, like, "Oh, Focker. Thanks for helping me make a wee-wee."

He just... He was so happy. Right, right?

Right, Greg.

Yeah. JACK: Understand?

I think so. GREG: Good.

Don't think this incident is distracting me, Focker.

I know you're up to something and I'm watching you.

Well, guess what? I have eyes, too.

So, I'll be watching you, watching me.

Okay. All right?

Fair enough. Good.

So we just watch each other, all right?

Okay, okay.

I'm watching you right now.

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN: Domsey's Bakery. How can I help you?

Hello, yes, do you still have the pineapple upside-down cake?

Yes, we do. Would you like chocolate or vanilla frosting?

Neither. I'm only interested in merengue.

Please give me your access code and releasing ID.

This is Santa. Releasing ID 7726548.

I need all-source, derogatory only, on a person named Andi Garcia.

Alpha November Delta Indigo...

Santa, your clearances haven't been active for 12 years.

Now, you listen to me, Young Turk.

I was bugging Ho Chi Minh's sock drawer while you were still in diapers, so don't tell me about clearances.

Sir, my hands are tied.

But, I mean, you could probably just google the subject and find out everything you need to know.

Oh.

Then I'll do that. Santa out.

Hmm.

Oh, honey, I can't wait to see Kevin's timeshare later today, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What you doing?

Oh, just checking the weather.

There's a cold front coming in.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

DINA: Greg.

Hey, how you doing? Sorry, I'm late.

Hi, honey.

A little emergency at the hospital.

Kevin was showing us his magnificent estate.

GREG: It's really nice.

So this is where you rough it when you're not at the homeless shelter?

Kind of split time between the two. Maybe 60l40 here.

Really? Now that Greg's finally arrived, why don't I take you over to see the meadow?

JACK: Yeah, this is perfect.

Oh, this is impressive. GREG: Wow, nice backyard.

JACK: Yeah, love it. PAM: Wow, it is.

Thank you.

JACK: Let's reserve that quadrant over there, Kevin.

It's perfect for the three-legged race, egg toss, capture-the-flag game.

Why don't we put up a ring of bouncy castles right out there and we have, like, a relay race for the kids kind of intertwined in between them.

Loving it, Kev-O.

Kevin, is that a tattoo on your back?

Oh, yes, it is, Dina.

It looks really elaborate. Could we take a look at it?

Oh, sure. PAM: Mom.

Well, it's a curiosity.

(GASPS)

My gosh.

Hmm.

DINA: Wow.

Is that Pam?

Yeah, it is.

You know, after the whole Svetlana episode, I went on a little bit of a drunken bender and wound up in a tattoo shop in Moscow.

And I asked the artist to ink me with the image of the one woman who's always loved me unconditionally.

Pam. My grandmother.

The point being, in my drunken stupor, I must have handed him a photo of Pam instead.

You carry a picture of Pam in your wallet.

I do. I carry pictures of many treasured friends and loved ones on my travels.

Got a picture of me?

Of course I got a picture of you.

You recognize this mensch right here?

Ah. There I am. Kind of. There you are, yeah.

That's... Interesting.

This is actually a very flattering portrait of you, Pam-cake.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me. Dad.

Prudence? Yes! Hello!

Yeah, hold on, honey. I don't...

Terrific. Okay, yes, thanks, Pru.

That was Prudence and she says if you get to E.H.S. by 3:00, she can squeeze you in for an interview.

PAM: All right, that's great! Way to go, Kev-O.

PAM: Thank you, Kevin. GREG: Good job.

So great you two could join us.

Really wonderful when grandparents play an integral role in early humans' lives. We love them.

Early humans do need guidance.

Is that your role, Jack? To guide them?

Yes, I see myself as something of a shepherd, guiding our family through life's pastures.

Yes, I would say Jack is sort of an honorary shepherd.

Kind of a shepherd emeritus, if you will.

Well, when my sheep wander, I use my prod to keep my flock in line.

Oh, there are a lot of family dynamics at play here.

Why don't we begin the interview process?

Okay, Henry, I just want you to clear your mind and draw a picture for me of the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "family."

Oh.

This is just like being at the eye doctor.

Start at the top and work your way down.

Why would she give her an eye test?

It's called a Heisenreich Experiment.

We used it at the agency to test the aptitude of potential recruits.

All the letters are the same, so it's not really an eye test.

Very impressive cognition, Samantha.

E... E...

E? I need to start over.

(SIGHS)

Okay, Henry, let's see what you've chosen to draw.

(GASPS)

What is it? What did he draw?

Dad stuck Grandpa Jack in the wee-wee last night. Because he's old.

I'm sorry? What did he say?

I didn't hear him.

Something about Grandpa Jack having a cold.

So tell me about your parents, Samantha.

Tell me about your parents, Prudence.

That's my girl.

Wanna tell me about your family?

My dad is a great guy.

Thank you, buddy.

But Grandpa Jack makes him really, really scared.

So he acts all crazy when he's with him.

Like he tried to cut the turkey with Grandpa's big Kn*fe and he slipped and he cut his finger. And he was like, "Oh, sh*t!"

Oh, he's blowing the interview.

She's setting him up to fail with these questions.

I mean, Sam's a better tester, anyway, so...

Well, that's because she takes after...

Takes after who, Jack?

Let's just say I've done some research on twins.

There's a theory that in certain cases, one twin gets an extra chromosome from the father, while the other sibling gets an extra chromosome from the mother's side.

Hmm.

Sam might be three quarters Byrnes, whereas Henry could very well have a double dose of Focker in him.

And what if he does?

My Grandpa Bernie taught me this. Pull my finger.

Oh.

(MIMICS FARTING)

Double dose.

(LAUGHING)

Let's go out to the courtyard for some free play.

I mean, what is "free-play test"?

How well they hang on the monkey bars?

I don't think you get it, Greg.

You know when prison guards learn the most about their inmate population?

During rec time in the yard.

I'm sure Prudence is in her office right now watching every move these kids make.

Dad? Yeah.

Can I please go climb that big rock wall?

Yeah, okay. Just be careful, buddy, all right?

All right.

Do you think he can handle that?

What's the big deal?

I'm just not sure you've instilled the physical confidence for him to shear a face like that.

Jack, do me a favor. Just let go of the reins a little, okay?

I'll let go, Greg, when you show me, once and for all, that you have what it takes to lead.

I am in control of my family, all right?

If I give Henry permission to climb a wall, he can climb a wall.

If he says he wants to climb the Empire State Building and I say it's okay, it's okay, because I'm in charge.

All right? I'm calling the plays now.

So you just got to step back and accept the fact that I have got this.

HENRY: Whoa!

(THUDDING)

Oh, he is such a brave boy, isn't he?

See, it's not so bad. It's just a slight fracture.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Henry, are you doing all right?

Hey, I came as soon as I heard.

Prudence told me there was a little bit of a kerfuffle over at E.H.S.

Oh, that's an understatement. Thanks to Greg, we can wave goodbye to their educational future.

DINA: Jack.

KEVIN: Oh, no, no. Pru's a forgiving soul.

I think I can patch things up. In the meantime, I got a little something for Hank the t*nk here.

Someone to keep you company until you're reunited with Arthur.

What is that? Thanks, Papa Kev.

Papa Kev?

Yeah, old fraternity nickname.

I told Hank the t*nk here he could call me by that handle.

You're not Hank the t*nk. Nobody calls him Hank the t*nk.

You wanna be Papa Greg?

No, I am Papa... I'm Greg. I'm Greg, his papa.

So I don't need to be Papa Greg.

I don't need to put a little thing in front of it.

WOMAN ON PA: Paging Nurse Focker.

Pam, we need to talk for a minute.

Oh, okay. Mom?

Hey, Louis, what's up?

What up, dawg? Hey, hottie at 2:00.

There's the superstar!

Hey, hi, hi.

Hey! Oh. Hello.

I have the raddest news ever!

Really? Okay.

So our VP of marketing heard how well you did on your speech last night and guess what?

What?

He wants us to lead the Pfosten convention in Maui next month.

Yeah, that sounds great. Honestly, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little distracted right now

'cause my son just broke his arm and...

Oh, poor baby.

Yeah, so...

You're a super dad.

No, I'm not a super dad. It is so cute how involved you are with your kids.

No, no, no, that's just what dads do. It's not like a super...

Louis! What are you doing? Is this the book?

What is... No, go. Come on.

In the back, right? I got them.

Sorry, it's just...

Somebody's grumpy.

I'm gonna make this brief, Pam-cake.

I'm not getting any younger.

Dad. No, I want to make sure there's someone around besides me who you can fully count on.

I couldn't help but notice how you and Kevin have reconnected these past few days.

He's financially secure. He's great with the twins.

Got a heart of gold.

He's a little goofy, maybe, in his dressing, but if that body art is any indication, I'd say he's certainly open to the idea.

What idea?

The idea of a simple course correction.

A course correction.

Greg, Kevin.

Come on, grumpy daddy! Come to Hawaii.

(LAUGHING) Okay.

Okay, grumpy daddy will think about it.

Yes! Okay, okay.

Oh! Hey, honey, hi!

Perfect. Pam, this is Andi. Andi, this is Pam, my wife.

Hey.

Hi, it's a... It's a pleasure to meet you.

It's a pleasure to meet you, too.

Your husband is a freaking rock star, but I'm sure you know how lucky you are.

Yeah. I'm not. She's the rock star.

She's a rock star mom and just full-on, rocking person.

Oh.

And I'm just a groupie trying to, you know, carry her amps.

No, you're... You're... You're the man.

Everything all right here?

Yeah, Jack, everything's all right.

Pam, do you wanna... Oh, my God.

You must be the famous Jack Byrnes.

Wow. I have heard so much about you.

I've heard very little about you, Miss Garcia.

But I do admire your cheerleading photographs.

Henry's doing much better.

We were just singing an ancient Yanomamo song about a brave warrior who falls from a tree while hunting for chimpanzee meat.

He's good. Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Andi Garcia. Pfosten Pharmaceuticals.

And you're Doctor...

No. He's not a doctor.

Not in the Western sense of the word.

Not in any sense of the word. You're an investment banker.

Many hats. Kevin.

Hi.

Okay, cool.

Well, I'm gonna mosey on out of here.

All right.

(SPEAKS HAWAIIAN)

Wow, you told me she sold boner medicine, Greg.

You didn't tell me she is boner medicine.

Pam, that's ridiculous.

You also said you wouldn't pick her out of a lineup, too.

Wouldn't pick her out of a lineup?

Greg, that woman is stunning!

Oh, he's covering, Kevin, 'cause he didn't want Pam to get suspicious.

Dad. Did you see the way his carotid artery throbbed when he looked at her?

Dad. Give me a break, Jack. Come on.

Now this is what I'm talking about, Pam.

I'm sorry, but this man cannot be trusted.

Could you for once in your life stay out of my marriage?

Greg, come on, don't get hysterical.

I'm not getting hysterical. He's getting hysterical.

Look, it's natural to get a little tempted.

Nobody's tempted, nobody's...

Look, even our dear friend, the Buddha, had to pass through some sorrow on his way to enlightenment.

Our dear friend, the Buddha?

How's he doing? It's been so long.

Do you ever listen to yourself?

I try not to.

I speak from the heart, off the cuff, like my man, JC, at the Sermon on the Mount.

I think that's what you've always admired about me.

Well, I got news for you. You're not Jesus.

Well, he may not be Jesus, but he's a far better choice for Pam than you are, Greg.

Dad!

I'm sorry. Would you stop with the course-correction stuff? No, that's right...

What's the course-correction stuff? It's nothing.

I want to hear all about it, Jack.

You're leading this family onto rocky shoals, Focker, and as captain of the ship, I'm steering us away to safety.

Well, you know what? You're not a ship's captain, Jack.

We're people. We're not on a boat, we're in a hospital. Okay?

We're human beings in a hospital and you're not the captain.

Well, I may not be the captain, Gregory Focker, but you're not the Godfocker!

Good. 'Cause I don't want to be the stupid Godfocker.

I'm the Greg Focker, Jack! All right? I am Greg Focker!

And by the way, Dr. Bob told me you offered him the job first.

Nice to know I was your sloppy seconds.

You spoke to Dr. Bob?

Yeah, I did, Jack.

Had beers with him last night.

He's in town for a convention.

That's it. You're done.

You're done, it's over, that's it. You know what?

You can't tell me I'm done because I already quit.

You're done. I'm getting off the wheel.

What wheel? The wheel!

The little hamster wheel that we're all running up to get a little taste of your little water thingy!

Just, please, approval! Approval!

What the hell are you doing?

Please! Give me some of the Jack... Yeah.

It's like a metaphor for your approval...

Thank you for clearing that up!

What are you even doing here, Kevin?

I'm trying to help. Why don't you get on your stupid monster yacht with your bubble-butt Russian girlfriend and do Jell-O sh*ts off of Deepak Chopra's butt?

Greg, don't drag Deepak into this. Please, Greg.

Hey, Dina. Jack had a heart att*ck two weeks ago. Adios, folks!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Going down.

Hey.

Hey. You okay?

Yeah.

Need a ride?

(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hey, it's Pam. Leave me a message.

GREG: Hey, I'm gonna sleep over at the new house tonight, all right?

I just can't deal with your dad right now.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

Yeah, I think I just need to clear my head. Thanks for the ride.

No problem.

Why am I the bad guy here? Greg was the one who was being dishonest.

Oh, please. All Greg did was downplay that woman's looks, so Pam wouldn't be jealous, and you know it.

You know you did the same thing with that gorgeous double agent in Helsinki during the Cold w*r.

Oh, you're still bringing up Aatukka Kokkonen.

I told you her beauty was privileged information.

It was a matter of national security.

Oh, yes. Like your heart condition?

Listen, Jack.

Greg cares about his family just as much as you care about yours. All right?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Pam?

Don't be mad. I totally don't want to harass you.

You just seemed so sad, I had to bring you some treats.

Oh. Wow, thanks.

Some Chinese food. Little wine.

No offense, but does Pam even realize how dope you are?

Oh, yeah, no. I think she thinks I'm dope.

It's just, you know, it just changes when you have kids, you know, because everything becomes focused around them.

Totally. And I'm sure you're like, "Hello! Can I have some fun, too?"

Yeah, no. I mean, it's fun, but it's just a different kind of fun.

More wine.

It's not like old single fun, where you go out.

It's more like wake up in the morning at 6:00, make the kids breakfast.

You know, that kind of fun.

I love it. I mean, they're so cute.

Like, the other day, Henry came in and he had his little top hat on and said, "I'm the mayor of the kitchen."

Oh, he's gonna be the mayor?

Just out of nowhere he got this idea he wanted to be the mayor.

And then he came in and he said, "And here is a proclamation. You cannot use the 'frigerator."

And he had a sash on. I think I have a picture of it.

Yeah. I mean, I'm biased, but he's very creative.

I'm going to step out for a bit and get some milk for the morning.

Don't, Jack. We both know that's not true.

I don't know why I still think I can get anything by you.

Mmm.

I'm going to find Greg. I'm going to bring him home.

You know where he is?

I have an idea.

And for the record, nothing ever happened with Aatukka Kokkonen.

ANDI: Aw.

GREG: And this is the play that she wrote called Tropical Seas.

They're so cute.

Yeah. They really are.

That's you!

Yes. I am an algae-seaweed-type plant.

You know, I got to go home.

Yeah, I totally get that.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Andi, Andi, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Andi, I think I gave you the wrong idea. No...

Greg, ever since we tag-teamed on that enema, I've wanted you.

It was just an enema. Really, I think you're idealizing the enema.

Andi, you know what, I think you might have had a little too much wine.

Wine is fine, papi! I took a few Sustengo.

You took a Sustengo? Why would you do that?

That's crazy. I'm gonna call a cab.

Can I see more pictures of your kids?

Definitely not. You can't... You got to put your thing back on.

Don't be a grumpy daddy!

I'm not being a grumpy... You got to...

(GROWLS) (LOUD THUDDING)

No, Andi! Andi, give me the phone!

You want it? I do want it.

Come and get it. I want... I...

Andi, it's not funny. (EXCLAIMING)

Let's go swimming!

Andi, no, it's not a pool.

Is it heated? Is there a grotto?

No, no, it's a pit! Andi, don't do this.

Come on! Put your clothes back on. All right?

Andi, no! That's not nice!

You don't throw people's phones in pits, okay?

You're mean!

Andi, put the clothes back on! Come on!

I hate you!

(SCREAMS)

Belly flop!

(SCREAMING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

You really don't know where Greg is?

Honey, I struck out.

I guess my skills just aren't what they used to be.

Look who it is. There they are!

Hey, Kevin!

Kevin. Quite a shindig.

Well, you only turn five once.

Or twice, in this case.

Now, I've got a little surprise for you, Jack. Gustavo?

Is that who I think it is?

KEVIN: You'd better believe it.

Jinxy!

When I heard about your health issues last night, I knew I had to fly him out here.

Kevin, incredibly thoughtful of you. Thank you.

How come Daddy's not here?

Is it because I was mean to him?

No, honey, absolutely not, sweetheart.

It's because Grandpa was mean to him.

But he's coming! He's coming. He will be here, okay?

So, let's go have some more fun.

All right? Let's go. Let's go see what else there is.

BERNIE: Just wait one sec!

Gay!

Gay!

Gay?

Dad. What's that hole?

Why are you so muddy? Where is everyone?

They're at Kevin's.

The party's over at Kevin's. I got to get over there.

The kids' party's at Kevin's? I thought you were in Spain.

I was, but I can't miss my little gazugas turning five.

How are you?

Hey! Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

I was so messed up last night.

Who's that?

That is... Dad, that's Andi Garcia.

Oh. She's a work colleague of mine.

Oh, hi, Dad!

Yeah. She took a few too many prescription pills and then she pushed me in the pit.

Total party foul. My bad on that one.

Garcia? Is that Spanish?

Okay, we got to go.

Yeah. My grandparents are from Seville.

Are you kidding? I was just in Seville, mastering the flamenco!

No way! Dad.

What? But I got to show her a few moves.

Her grandparents are from Seville.

Dad, no, no! Dad, I got to go! Okay.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)

Your dad's really good.

The faster you go indicates an increase in sexual prowess.

Andi, good luck.

(BOTH BIDDING FAREWELL IN SPANISH)

It's a good thing you pulled me away. I was starting to get a semi.

Oh, Dad, please. It's involuntary.

It's the parasympathetic nervous system. Flamenco's very sexual.

Well, just so you know, nothing happened with her.

I know that. We're Fockers. That's not the way we roll.

But I know something went down with the family. You okay?

Yeah, just the usual Jack stuff. You okay?

Your mom was right. Man-opause. Makes me act like a lunatic.

You know, I get a little nutty.

Grandma Roz! Grandma Roz!

My God.

There she is! My little scrunchie-munchie. Let me look at you, baby.

Oh, you look so cute. Do you mind if we sit down, honey?

Have a little chat. 'Cause Grandma's feet hurt.

So, I hear you're not speaking to your father.

Is that true?

Well, let me tell you something about men, Samantha.

They... They... They're told to be tough and hard, you know?

But inside, they're quite soft and gooey.

Kind of like a cannoli.

A knish? It's not exactly that.

It's more like peanut butter and jelly inside burnt toast.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And once you know that, you can cut them a little slack.

Besides, you'll have plenty of time to aggravate him in your teens.

Grandma!

Hi, honey! Look at you, how big you got!

Hi, sweetheart.

Come here and give me a Focker sandwich. Okay, I'm the cheese.

We're cheese! I'm the cheese.

No, I'm the cheese and you're the bread.

We're sourdough.

Attention! Attention!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Henry and Samantha! Today you are five!

This way. Okay, thank you.

Dad.

Yeah. You coming?

Yeah. I just want to practice the dance I'm gonna surprise your mother with.

Go ahead.

Okay. I'll see you down there.

Gay?

My two cents. The way to deal with Jack, no matter what he does, just smother that guy with kisses.

He'll be putty in your hands.

Good.

Love, love, love. Good, putty, thank you.

Oh, Gay. Yes.

You look good.

Thank you.

All right.

Can you do me a favor? Okay.

Can you just put this leg down slowly? It's an old sex injury.

Like this? Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

This performance is my gift to you!

You are the chosen ones!

Pam.

Pam! Greg.

KEVIN: I pronounce this your day!

Oh, what happened to you?

Oh, it's... I...

I'll tell you about it later, okay?

Look, I'm really sorry about what happened.

I just... I'm sorry, too.

I let everything get out of control and I shouldn't have.

It's just... It's just your dad.

You know, I... I know. He's insane.

Yes. Yes.

Listen to me. We've got our own thing and it works.

It does, right?

Yeah, we actually kind of know what we're doing.

I love you. I love you.

Hey, Sam! Happy birthday.

Look, I know you don't want to talk to me.

I just want you to know that's okay.

I love you anyway.

I know, Daddy.

Dad!

There he is!

Hey, happy birthday, man!

Hey, look, I think you left something at home.

Arthur!

Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

(ALL GASPING)

It's so beautiful.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, gosh.

I'm all right.

Gustavo! Birthday cake! Birthday cake! Try the birthday cake.

There's 36 different kinds!

Kevin?

Rosalind.

What a mitzvah that you could make it to the party.

What's wrong, honey?

I wish I knew.

Come. Sit down.

Look over this way a little bit. And a little up. Up.

Hey, Jack.

Wow, that's great. That's a great likeness.

That's really...

It really captured the intensity and looks just like you.

All right. So, look, last night, I think we both said some things we regret.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about Dr. Bob.

But then you did that whole course-correction thing. So...

Anyway, "peace" of cake offering.

(GRUNTS)

What the hell?

Oh, sh*t.

Jack, you all right? Jack, I'm sorry.

Jack, you okay?

Okay, Focker. At least you're going to make this a little fun.

Jack. Let's not do this. Come on.

We've had this date since the beginning, Greg.

(GROANS)

All right. Let's dance.

Come on, man.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Jack?

Where are you? Jack!

Jack?

Get out of the ball pit! Get out of the ball pit! Get out!

Let's go.

Get out! Get out of the ball pit!

Get out!

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Jack?

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

I saw you last night with Andi Garcia!

Nothing happened!

I've been in the wild for so long, that maybe it's time to come home.

But then where is home?

Honey, home is inside of you.

What you have been seeking out there is right in here.

In your heart? No, in your heart.

In my heart.

Yes, yes, Kevin.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Suck it!

(GROANS)

Arthur? Arthur? Mom! Arthur's missing!

Jack! Nothing happened.

What'd you say? Jack, nothing happened.

I'm telling you the truth.

Oh, sh*t.

Jinxy! Jinxy! Bad cat! Bad cat!

Jinx! Bad cat!

Jinx!

Jinx! Jinx!

Oh, sh*t.

Kevin, you are a lovely young man with a number of unusual fixations and hobbies.

Thank you.

I know you're going to find your way.

Trust me, honey. Because you have the strength of a lion and the soul of a poet.

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

BERNIE: Roz?

Bernie? What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

The guy has issues, honey.

Bernard, I swear this isn't what it looks like.

Your wife was comforting me in a moment of distress and my soul just reached out to her.

Your soul or your tongue?

No. There was no tongue involved.

There was a little.

Thank you for your honesty.

I thought you were in Spain, honey. What happened?

What happened?

I went halfway around the world to master the flamenco, but there was one thing missing, my dance partner.

Oh, Bernie.

You're my true north.

I know as long as we're together, I'll never get lost.

Oh, what a beautiful line.

Come here, baby.

That's beautiful. So raw, this electricity...

Will you get out of here so I can shtup my wife?

Shtup her? Yeah, sure.

GREG: Jinx!

HENRY: Grandpa! Grandpa! What's wrong?

Jack?

Jack. Jack.

Jack.

Honey. Greg, do something.

Okay. Having some chest pain? Yeah.

All right. Just relax. I'm gonna check you out.

What's wrong with Grandpa?

PAM: He's gonna be fine, honey.

Okay, I'm here. Okay.

Jack, you have your nitro tabs with you?

Greg, he's not responding to my treatment.

Really? To you waving your hands over him? He's not a Ouija board, Kevin.

Pam? Call 911.

Okay.

Kevin, can you go up to the house, see if you have some aspirin?

Aspirin.

It's all right.

Jinx!

Arthur! Wow.

Thanks, Dad.

(SIREN WAILING)

Just relax, Jack. It's going to be okay.

Breathe, breathe.

I promise.

Is he taking any other medications?

Just the 324 milligrams of aspirin I gave him about 15 minutes ago.

Thank you, nurse. You did good. We'll take it from here.

By the way, how'd you guys come by all these bruises and lacerations?

Oh, it's a long story.

We were in the bouncy castle, and then he tripped, and...

I get it. My father-in-law tripped through a plate glass window at my wedding last year.

All right. Let's get him loaded up.

Don't worry. We'll take care of your husband.

We're gonna follow behind you in the car. All right?

Greg.

I know you were telling the truth about Andi, Greg.

Really? Yeah.

The pulse on your carotid artery remained steady as you pleaded your innocence.

Right, of course.

And, Greg. Yeah.

It was never going to be Dr. Bob. It was you.

It was always you.

You just relax and stay quiet, Mr. Byrnes.

I'll see you over there. Okay?

(MUFFLED) ...Focker.

Why is he cursing at us?

Hey, we are trying to help you, sir.

What? What?

You're the Greg Focker.

I'm sorry, what?

You're the... You're the Greg Focker.

I'm the Greg Focker.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

EMT: Let's get him up.

(ALL CHATTERING)

BERNIE: One more. I need more. I need more.

One more, one more.

No, I need more.

Another present. BERNIE: Here.

Best Chistmakkah ever.

This is a very special gift, guys.

HENRY: One more, cool!

What is it, Grandpa Bernie?

I've had it with me my entire life.

It's my own original whoopee cushion.

What does it do? Are you kidding me?

Jack, lift up your leg.

Jack, come on.

(MIMICS FARTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

ROZ: Disgusting!

It farts!

Jack, we have to laugh at the stuff that makes us human, right?

Gas, burps. Picking noses?

You kids want to pick your nose and flick your boogers, do it.

Hey, Bernie.

But do it only when it's dry.

Don't do a wet one. I have something for Jack.

Take that to your room.

It's what makes life, life!

I know. I know. Here, Jack, this is a little something from Bernie and me to you.

Oh, how thoughtful. Thank you.

It is a very thoughtful gift.

It was your idea.

I know.

What's this? ROZ: What is that?

That is your own personal yarmulke!

Jack.

One of those little Jewish hats.

ROZ: Cute.

BERNIE: We know that you're into that genealogy stuff.

So, when I was nursing you back to health, I took the opportunity, when you were taking a nap, of snipping a couple of your pubes and I sent it to one of those DNA testing sites.

You did what?

We thought it'd be fun to trace your lineage all the way back.

BERNIE: Yes. And it turns out, Jack T. Byrnes, that you are one twenty-third Israelite!

Welcome to the tribe, Jack!

While I dispute the findings, I appreciate the gesture.

Thank you, Bernard, Roz.

You're welcome, Ya'akov.

Your Hebrew name. Ya'akov.

BERNIE: Ya'akov. Ya'akov.

BERNIE: Two A's.

Well, listen, Greg, we're in your home and you're in charge here, so why don't you lead us in a toast?

Right.

Honestly, Jack, I have no desire to try and sound like I am in any way in charge of anything in this house.

But I do love our family very, very much.

And I'm really happy that we can all be here together for the weekend.

Then we'll part ways and you guys will return to your homes in your own respective states. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Actually, sweetheart, your dad and I have a little...

Gaylord, we're moving to Chicago.

No, we're serious. We sold Focker Isle.

We just bought the house two doors down. Isn't that great?

No, that's not great. Oh, no, if they're moving here, then we're moving here. Good!

We'll live together, one big happy family.

We should discuss this.

No. No. No. Jack, nobody's moving because nobody's moving. Right?

BERNIE: How else are the kids gonna be Fockerized if we don't live here?

No. Nobody's going to be Fockerized.

No. Why not?

This Google is a wonderful tool, Jinxy cat.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to do a search on myself.

Come on. Who needs something like this?

Who's the target demo for a drug like Sustengo?

And I got to say it's somebody like my father-in-law.

His name is Jack Byrnes. You know, he had a heart att*ck and he called me up, he said, "Greg, I've had a heart att*ck."

Now, I said, "First of all, Jack, "don't you have to have a heart to get one of those?"

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

First weekend I ever met him, he said to me, he said, "Hey, listen, keep your snake in its cage for the next 72 hours."

I didn't say it like that.

All right. Maybe somebody's had their snake in their cage for about 30 years! Okay.

Remix. What's a remix?

You know, the guy is definitely obsessed... (RAP SONG PLAYING)

GREG: (RAPPING) Byrnes, Jack Byrnes My father-in-law My father-in-law Byrnes, Jack Byrnes Candidate for the drug Obsessed with sex Byrnes, Jack Byrnes Not getting it up Jack, Jack Byrnes Talk about sexual frustration Byrnes Obsessed with boobs He can breast feed his grandson Jack Byrnes Mannary gland Couple of tugs off the thing himself Hey, Focker I never did that.

Hey, Focker, I got nipples Okay Hey, Focker, I got nipples Wow Can you milk me?

Circle of trust goes round and round Jack Circle of trust goes round and round Byrnes Circle of trust goes round and round Jack Hello! Hot little number he's got named Jinxy Now, he's talking about you.

Hot little number he's got named Jinxy Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat I love you The Godfocker.