Hollidaysburg (2014)

Thanksgiving, Dramas Movie Collection.

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Hollidaysburg (2014)

Post by bunniefuu »

[Train whistle]

[Train rumbling]

- Three months, oh, my god,
it's felt like forever.

It's just, you are all
I can think about.

I couldn't think about anything
other than your eyes

And your hair
and your--everything.

And--and I mean, I just couldn't
wait to come home for break.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
California is awesome.

It's literally everything
that everybody says.

It's amazing,
but I just--

I couldn't wait
for my dad's pumpkin pie.

Oh, my god, and turkey and just,
like, turkey sandwiches

Turkey chili,
literally everything.

It's, like, you don't realize
how much you love someone

Or place until you leave them,
you know?

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, I just--

I love you so f*cking much.

- Can I get on top?
- Oh, yeah.

Hey.
Hey, let's take this off.

- It's cold.
- All right.

It's too cold,
I'm sorry.

Yeah, let's leave it on.
We gotta love it. I love this.

It's, like,
my favorite sweater of yours.

It's soft and sexy.

Well, thank you for
picking me up from the airport.

- [Cries]
- oh.

Hey, are you okay?
Pooh bear?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Look it, we should stop.
Let's stop.

- No. No, you should come.

Do you want to f*ck me
from behind until you come?

- What is going on?

- I don't know.

Lately I've just been
walking around

And--and I feel like
I'm trapped in my body

But I'm also, like--like,
floating above it.

I think about dying.

A lot.

But other than that,
school's fine.

- I think we should stop
having sex.

- I think we should break up.

- What?!

[Jeremy and the harlequins'
cam girl playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me, girl, your name ♪

♪ Tell me you're ♪

♪ Your profile came up
on my macbook screen ♪

- In second grade,
I humped a teletubby

And was sent home
from school.

I didn't know what I was doing,
but I knew to be embarrassed.

And since then,
I've never really stopped

Being embarrassed.

That's what's so awesome
about college.

No one at college knows
that I molested that teletubby.

No one at college
knows anything about you.

- Mom!

- All these new people,

And they don't know
that troy garskoff

Once told chad weisengartz that
I kissed with too much teeth.

They don't know that I didn't
get, like,

Any boobs at all
until junior year.

If you were scott karazewski,
the coolest guy

In my high school
because his brother had been...

- Mom!

- Or if you were
heather zerilli,

The hot girl
who everyone wanted

Or wanted to be,

It just doesn't matter anymore.

I wasn't cool in high school,

And I definitely
wasn't considered hot.

- [Coughs]
- I was someone else's sidekick.

I know it's only been
three months,

But I feel totally different.

For one, I'm underlining
a lot more stuff in books,

Which makes me feel way deeper
than I was in high school.

♪ ♪

Getting another go at things
is awesome,

Until, of course,
you come home

For thanksgiving break.

- We called.
We e-mailed.

I tried to skype you
every night last week.

If not for you liking things
on facebook,

I would have thought
you were dead, meesh.

- No one likes to skype
with their parents, mom.

No one likes to skype period.

- They wanted me to start
on november th or nothing,

So we packed up what we could
and we went.

It was a whirlwind.

Philip's packing the rest up
and driving everything down.

Are you paying
your phone bill?

- Yeah,
I'm just out of minutes.

- We find it very strange
that you decided to come home

Without calling us.
Is everything okay?

How did you pay for the ticket?
How's heather?

- I'm fine. She's fine.
I'm--i just--

You know, they gave me
extra hours for my work-study.

- All right.

We gave phil some money
for emergencies.

Please make sure
he doesn't use it on marijuana.

- Mom.

- Uh-huh.

- I'm dropping out of school.

I want to move home.

- What did your dad say?

- I haven't told him yet.

- Good luck with that.

- ♪ Show me titty if you down ♪

♪ If you f*ckin'
with the sound ♪

- Do you hear what he's saying?

He wants all females
to crawl towards him

So that he can jizz
on their faces.

This song is
like a hate crime.

- Timmy hartman's having
a little thing tonight.

He got his g.e.d.

And an apartment
with mike dills, I guess.

We're going, yeah?
- We'll see.

If my parents
let me out of my cage.

Timmy hartman's sweet,
but who else is gonna be there?

I guess I wasn't really close
with their class.

- I don't know.
A bunch of people.

I've been hanging out a lot
with them.

Tanya spinelli and them came out
to penn state on halloween

When you bailed.

That's when I blacked out
and hooked up with chris suey.

But heather said his overbite
wasn't that bad,

And he's, like, legitimately
on the soccer team

So at least that.

There was this guy
that I hooked up with

He was--he was, like,
kind of bald.

- Lately, when I was around
my best friend,

I found myself thinking about
all the secrets

I'd picked up over the years

And just how many of them
I wished I didn't know.

How she nairs her arm hair,

The rare condition she has that
makes her nipples lactate

At odd times,

The fact that she once k*lled
her pet hermit crab

With a hammer, and then told
her parents it just exploded.

- So?
- I only get the van

When I'm home.
- Well, f*ck it.

I'll come visit you then.

I'll hook up with one of
your gaybay art school boys.

- It's mostly computer kids.

- Whatever.

Stop with me at ruthfred's.
I gotta get tampons.

- My parents will freak
if I'm not home soon.

- Oh, ooh.

- Meesh?

- Hey, mush.
- Have you talked to mom yet?

- Yeah, we talked.

These are my school portraits,
aren't they?

- They are. Why?

- You could've waited
till I got here, man.

- Except I had no idea
you were coming

Because you haven't called
anybody back in three weeks.

And now, you're unwrapping
all my hard work.

Come on, meesh.
- Question.

What were you doing
out in the car?

- Relaxing.
Why, what'd you see?

- Boxed wine.

- I get cravings
around all these boxes, okay?

You would, too.

- This is f*cked, mush.
- I know, man.

I don't know what to tell you,
but I did promise mom

That I would show you
this device

That would blow your mind.
Have you ever heard of this?

It's called a phone.
- Oh, my god.

- I don't know if they taught
you this yet in college,

But all you have to do
when it vibrates or rings,

You pick it up and say "hello."
- Stop. Listen, I called her.

Last I heard,
she had a job offer in tampa

And she was thinking about it,

Maybe the move would happen
during christmas break.

- Okay, first off,
it's clearwater, not tampa.

It sounds mellower. I like it.
- [Chuckles]

- And that was in september,
bud.

- Notice the nuance here.
- It's good.

- I could have gone full wig,
but I said no.

Terry fong of
terry fong studio photography

Is on to me,

And he's not gonna let just
anything slide this year.

- You know
I've heard this story before.

- Quiet. As you can see,
with the simple utilization

Of mom's maternity sweater
and dad's backup glasses,

I was able to achieve an effect
far much more impactful,

Nay, profound,

Than any simple wig could ever
be expected to achieve.

- Okay, meesh. Okay.

Should I go right upstairs
and grab mine?

- Junior year?

- When I slicked my hair back.

- With the seashells?
- The puka beads.

- Go get it.
- Deadly. I'll be back.

- Hey, where were you?
Mom is not happy.

- Katie, this is courtney.

- Courtney has
a vocal chord injury,

So she has to speak
really softly right now.

- Hi, how are you?
Really nice to meet you.

- Really nice to meet you.

- Hey, need help?
- Yes, please.

Thank you.
- Is mom mad at me?

- Um, well, I mean,
a little bit.

- Okay.
- You got it?

- Yeah, I got it.
You look pretty. Come on.

- Hey, where were you?

You were supposed to go shopping
with mom.

- Um, my bus was late.

- You know what? I just wanted
my daughters with me.

That's all. Okay?
It's a tradition.

- We had to take a xanax.

- Hmm.

- I'll pick you up later.
- No.

If I go, I'll drive myself.
- Hey, what later?

Where is she going?
She's not going anywhere.

No, no, no, no, no.
Not tonight, no.

It's the night before
thanksgiving.

This is a very big weekend
for this family.

- Dad, I see you guys
all the time.

- We're not guys.
We're your parents.

- You see us when you want
to do your laundry.

Now, your sister and courtney,

They came all the way
from colorado

With a vocal chord injury,
I might add.

They're getting married.
- We don't give a sh*t.

- What?
- God, I'm hot.

Are you hot?
- Oh, yeah.

- It's like a greenhouse
in here.

- I want to plan the engagement
party for saturday,

And I want all of you cooking.

Your dad wants to brine
the turkey this year.

- Yeah, I'm giving up
on deep-frying.

Did you know that % of fires
during the holidays

Are caused by people
deep-frying turkeys?

- We read all about it
in reader's digest.

- Mm-hmm.
- Stop eating those.

Put 'em away.
They're for saturday.

Will you chop that for me,
sweetheart?

- Yeah, sure.

- [Over television]
find it now. We're on it.

- I don't know, man.

I just wanted one more
thanksgiving at home.

- Well, we got leftover pumpkins
from halloween.

We could make pie.

- I don't know. I don't think
that's how dad makes 'em.

- How does he make 'em?

Say what you will
about our father,

But that man can
bake his balls off.

- He can bake his balls off.
That's weird.

- I feel like
it de-stresses him.

Huh.

You know, they say
you can never go home again.

- Yeah, man.

I guess not.

- No, I mean, you actually
can't go home again.

I'm packing everything
in the u-haul

And driving it down
on sunday.

We have to be out by the th.
- Yeah.

Mom said.

- Which means you have to
pack your room by then.

I haven't touched it, so...

- No more house, mushy.

- No more house, meeshy.

- [Over television]
the building's comin' down!

Everyone out, now!
Now! Leave it!

- So how's pittsburgh?

Seems you're in love,
from your e-mails.

- Oh, my god, I love it.

It's not new york,

But it's, like,
times better than here.

- Oh, I like altoona.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- What do you like
about altoona?

- Courtney thinks there's a kind
of charles dickens

Meets flashdance kind of thing
going on.

- It's very poetic.

- Who's even coming
to this thing on saturday?

- It's all their friends.
- Mm-hmm.

- You know? It's--
it's ben kennedy and kathy,

The greens.
- Phil green.

- Phil green.
We don't like phil green.

What the f*ck?

We said why don't we just get
some pizza and some beers

And we'll sh**t the sh*t
with your friends?

- That's a great idea.
- Exactly.

- But no.
- Mm-mm.

- She wants to make deviled eggs
and f*cking desserts.

She bought phyllo dough.

- Phyllo dough.

- Whoa.
- Exactly.

- Phe-llo dough.
- Phyllo dough?

- Phyllo dough, phe-llo dough.
- Phe-llo dough.

- I don't know.
Which is it?

- Phyllo.
- Phyllo, phe-llo?

- I like phe-llo.
- I like phe-llo, too.

You're right.

- I think I'm gonna go out,
guys.

- With katie?
- Yeah.

- Hmm. Hey, remember when katie
used to make you dress like her?

Courtney didn't believe me.
- Sounds so dehumanizing.

- Seventh grade,
dark times for everyone.

- Remember that time
that she made you come home

From the dance and she pretended
to hyperventilate

Because she said she saw
her dead grandma?

- Yeah, I do remember that,
in fact.

- Remember the time she tried to
att*ck you with a round brush?

- We move on.
- [Laughs]

- She sounds fantastic.

- You met her earlier.

- Oh. I did not like her.

- Mm, mm-mm.
[Chuckles]

- Barf.
Super gross.

- The worst kind.
- Mm-hmm.

- So he was married
to this stripper from reno

Named sparkler.

She turned out to be
a total bitch,

Using him for his money,
cheating on him like crazy.

So the guy hires an assassin
to k*ll his wife.

But on the day it all goes down,
the guy gets k*lled instead.

Turns out sparkler
and the assassin

Went to high school together
and were f*cking.

- What?

Oh, dateline, dude.

- Dateline.

So how you likin'
the sunny side?

You all into that pilates
and veganism now, yeah?

- Yeah.
- I can read it on your skin.

- Yeah, dude, I wear moccasins
constantly,

You know, when I jog through
runyon canyon.

- Oh.

So you're likin' it out there?

- Yeah, dude.
It's tight.

- So, like, shouldn't you
be off somewhere

Spooning and popping
your girlfriend's back zits?

- She's going through something
right now.

I don't know.
We're not really talking.

Timmy hartman's having people
over tonight, though.

Think she'll be there?
- I have no f*cking clue.

- Should probably
make an appearance.

[Cell phone buzzes]
- yeah.

I'm sure everybody's just
holding their breath

Waiting on you to show up.

- What? No, I'm in town.

People are gonna expect me
to make an appearance,

Show my face.

- Yeah, well, sorry I didn't
have a surprise party waiting,

Mr. El presidente.

- That's okay.
Do you wanna come?

- Nah, I think I'm in
for the night.

- Mm.

- Dude, it'd be pretty cool
if I moved in here.

- Get the f*ck outta here.

My mom isn't gonna let
anybody else move in here.

She keeps jackin' up the rent
just to try to get me out.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Lucky I've been able to pay it,
so f*ck her.

- You ever think
about california?

- Yeah, went there once
when I was .

Didn't love it.
- You were .

- Yeah, I know,
and it wasn't the right fit.

- I could have said hi
to heather zerilli.

She was kind of town royalty

Because her dad owned a chain
of sports bars,

And her mom,
our only chinese restaurant.

Senior year,
her parents split.

Turns out they were cheating
on each other,

Her dad with his waitress
and her mom fell in love

With their mechanic, mitch.

Hey, billy goat.
- Heather zerilli

Just told me she broke up
with scott karazewski

And I think I'm gonna wait till
my cut heals to ask her out.

- [Gasps] oh!
- What do you think?

- Don't do that. Sorry.
Just put it down.

- Hey, man.

Sorry, I gotta go.
Heather's not responding.

I'm a little concerned.
I'm gonna go to that party.

- All right, man.
Well, hey, have fun

Hangin' out
with the young'uns.

What are you doing
on thanksgiving?

- I don't even know anymore.
[Sighs]

- Well, cool, man.
We'll hang out.

Play some b-ball or something.

- Cool.
- How long you in town for

Anyway?
- Sunday afternoon.

- You flew all the way out here
for three days?

- It's five
including travel time.

Peace.

[Car alarm blaring]

[Hip-hop music]

- Oh, my god, I literally
thought you were bailing

And had just become, like,
a huge bitch since college.

- Thanks. You smell good.
- I always smell good.

- Hmm. I brought mixers.

- Good job.
So is that all you know?

- Just that she broke up with
him, according to billy goat.

- Missy deacon
lives on her floor

And says she's shower crying
constantly.

Says she sleeps,
like, hours a day.

- Well, she's clearly depressed.
- Yeah, but it's like

I'm depressed, too,
and I actually have a reason.

My roommate
barely speaks english.

- I thought she was born here.

- Yeah, but she, like,
talks indian on the phone

All the time with her parents.

Not to mention, ben markle
and I have slept in the same bed

The last three
lacrosse house parties,

But he won't admit
it's more than a hookup.

I mean, he lives
in the lacrosse house.

It's not a small deal
that I'm sleeping there.

No other freshman
have slept there three times.

He just needs to acknowledge.

- I thought you loved
penn state.

- I mean, I was taught
to be strong.

[Laughter]
[indistinct chatter]

- Katie krake was way more into
timmy hartman's crew than I was.

I started keeping my distance
after this one junior year party

Where we all convinced the only
russian kid in our school

That we were on heroin.

Until he agreed
to also do heroin.

Only we didn't
have any heroin.

It was all just a joke we
thought would be really funny,

But it wasn't.

I still can't look ivan
in the eye.

[Engine turns over]

[Classical music]

[Radio talk show]

[Smooth jazz music]

- ♪ I wanna kiss your lips ♪

♪ And never say good-bye ♪

♪ A sweet romantic bliss
that makes me... ♪

[Thud]
- ow. Oh, f*ck.

- ♪ I want you home to play ♪

♪ And hear your love
is here to stay ♪

- Oh, my god!
Oh, you. Hi.

Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

- Did you hit your head?
- Yes.

I don't know if it was
on the--the ground or the van.

- Ooh, I don't think it matters.
- I'm okay.

- Do you wanna go
to the hospital?

- You think I need to go
to the hospital?

- You may have a concussion.
- You think I have a concussion?

- You might.
- Okay. I guess, um...

- Oh, god. Oh.

- Can you take me
to the hospital?

- Here's the deal.

I don't feel drunk,

But I had, like,
three vodka crans in there.

So you could have a concussion
and I could get a dui.

Or you could not have
a concussion,

They tell us we're idiots
for bringing you in,

And--and I still get a dui.

My parents die from shame,

And I lose my scholarship
to cmu over it.

You feel so guilty
for ruining my life

That you eventually blow out
your brains in california,

And everyone thinks
you did it

Because you didn't
become famous.

- Okay, that got dark fast.

I obviously don't want you
to get a dui, poopdick.

- This one's totally
up to you.

I can also put you in a cab
to the hospital

You can tell 'em
it was a hit-and-run.

I'm not a bad person.

And I will tell you
that I got a concussion

When I was years old
in gym class,

And all they did at the er
was send me home

And tell my parents
to keep me up all night

So I didn't slip into a coma.

Let me do some research
so I'm "a" not drunk driving,

And "b" helping you,
which are two things

That a good person would do.
- Sounds good. Do it.

Okay. It says that your pupils
dilate if they're concussed.

- Are they?

How was hartman's?

- Eh, video games.
- Yeah.

[Siren blaring]

- Did you really come back here
for just four days?

- [Laughs]
why is that so hard to believe?

My roommate flew back
to tel aviv for the holiday.

- Hmm.

Do they even celebrate
thanksgiving in israel?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What's up?
- Nothin'.

What's up with you?

- Why do you have to say it
like that?

- Say it like what?

- "What's up with you?"

- I don't know. I'm just
really surprised to be getting

All these "need weed"
text messages from you.

I seen you smoke,
I don't know,

Maybe zero times.

I don't even have your number.

- Yeah, I know.
I find that so weird.

- It's not that weird.
You're scott's girlfriend.

- Yeah, I see you
all the time.

- Yeah,
you're scott's girlfriend.

- Right, so not in your phone.

You don't think we're friends.

- Scott was just here.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So we're not gonna
talk about scott?

- Not unless you want to.

- Yeah, prefer not to.

- Great.

So are you gonna sell me
some weed or not?

- [Sighs]

Okay, so here's the deal.

We're gonna smoke
a little pinner in here now

Under my supervision,
'cause I'm actually, like,

A little bit worried
about you.

- [Scoffs]

- If I see you
inhale your sh*t,

I'll give you another little bit
to take home.

Sound like a fair deal?
- Are we talkin'

Or are we smokin'?

- We're smokin'.

- No, no, no. We went
to whipple's dam with dante.

- What?

- Katie and heather
came in another car.

That's why they missed
the magic hailstorm.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice.
- I remember it so clearly,

Because I was hanging out
with you guys without katie,

Which, like, never happened.

- Yeah, you guys were a -headed
monster in high school.

You know what? I could swear
when we were in seventh grade

And she broke up with me,
I could swear

It was you on the phone.

Doing her dirty work.

- I can neither confirm nor deny
that fact.

- Hmm, that was some
f*cked up sh*t, poopdick.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- She just really
didn't want to do it,

And she thought our voices
sounded the same.

- I knew it!
Yep, aw!

I can't believe,
finally admitting it, poopdick.

- I'm really sorry.

Actually, it was one of
the meanest things I've done.

Honestly, I think
I was just excited

To talk to you on the phone.
- God,

I can't believe I was right.
- I'm really sorry.

But you called me poopdick
for three years

Because of one oral presentation

Where I mispronounced
"poop deck."

I think we're even.

- I always thought
you kinda liked it.

So you were excited
to talk to me on the phone, hmm?

- Uh, what are
you talking about?

- You said you were excited
to talk to me on the phone

In seventh grade.
- I said that?

- Mm-hmm.
- I didn't say that.

- You liked me in seventh grade,
didn't you?

I mean, you had a little
girl boner for me,

Didn't you, poopdick?
Mm-hmm.

- [Scoffs]

- Hmm.

- So there's this
whole group of girls

From high school, you know,
like kyleigh dececcho

And lindsay beegle
and lauren von dam hagen,

And they all go to penn state
with me, right?

So as a group,
they decided to major

In recreation
and parks management

Because they heard
it was easy.

Like, I'm just figuring out
what a scam it is.

- Why do you think I'm here?

All you really need are books
if you wanna learn sh*t.

- Yeah, I know, right?

Meanwhile,
I'm majoring in english.

I'm gonna be worse off
than the park management girls.

Like, are there gonna be
that many parks

For them to manage
when they graduate?

What are they gonna manage,
playgrounds?

[Sighs]
who am I kidding?

We're all gonna be unemployed.

College just feels like
some big,

Pre-unemployment,
binge-drinking,

Like, party vacation.
- I hear ya, sister.

Did you hear about
north dakota?

- What about north dakota?

- It has oil, tons of jobs.

You can make, like,
half a million a year there.

But you gotta live
in your car

'Cause there's not enough houses
yet where the oil is.

- Yeah? You thinkin' about it?

You gonna go ride the rails
with your high school buddies?

- Shh.
- [Laughs]

- My friends will never leave
this town.

Figured I'd hitchhike
up there

And just move into
somebody else's car.

I don't mind blowing a trucker
to get sh*t done.

- Yeah, I totally pushed a kid
off the swings once

To get an erection.

- [Sighs]
- [laughs]

- There's so much I don't
understand about that joke.

Both: [laugh]

- Oh, god.

I am not an optimist.

- Me neither.

Scott is.

[Train whistle blows]

- You asleep?

- No.
But the smell of that stuff

That you're putting
on your fingernails

Might cause the brain damage
you're trying to avoid.

- Just don't fall asleep.
- Okay.

You seem good.

I didn't see you
that much last year.

- Yeah.

Senior year was weird for me.

It felt like the credits
were rolling the whole time.

Or like somebody
turned on the lights

At a party.

- You weren't actually there
that much, it felt like.

Is that right?
- Yeah.

I abused that
"learning enrichment" program

That lubisher had
for the ap kids--

Claimed to take, like, three
community college classes

But really I was home
watching the view

And eating golden grahams.
- Oh.

Brilliant.
- Hmm.

- I loved senior year.

- Senior year loved you.

Pretty sure the entire school
had a crush on you,

Especially todd,
the assistant principal.

- Hey, todd and I did some
really great work together.

- Okay.
Let me see your pupils.

My blood alcohol level's
probably okay,

So we're good to go.

- Then we should go.

- Oh, I forgot how awesome
dry humping is.

- Yeah.

[Breathes heavily]

- Did you just?

- Yeah.

- I'm so proud of myself.

What?

- Nothing.

- Okay.

[Emily bell's pusher girl
playing]

- ♪ Well, no-oh, no-oh
oh, pusher girl ♪

♪ Is pushin' you out the door ♪

♪ I won't do your dirty work ♪

♪ No more for free ♪

♪ And get nothing ♪

- Holy sh*t.

Karazewski.

- ♪ Pusher girl ♪

- Hey.

Hey!

Karazewski.

Oh, my god.

- I'm in a coma.

- f*ck you!

[Groans]
- I'm in a coma, be quiet.

- [Growls]
- ow.

- Hey, don't piss
on my f*ckin' lawn!

Get the f*ck out!

- Yeah.

- Hey!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- This is not a public urinal!
- I'm going.

I'm on--i'm on the street.

- [Yelling indistinctly]

- No, give me five seconds
to get done, please!

- This is not
a public urinal.

- Drive, drive, drive, drive.

- [Screams]
- drive, drive, drive.

[Thud]

[Tires screech]

- Oh, hey, trish.
- Oh, hey. How you doin', donny?

- [Sighs]

- Well, that was interesting.
- Thank you so--

Hope my parents
didn't call the cops.

- The same.
Oh, wait. I'm an orphan.

- Uh...

- Uh, so I guess
I'll see you around.

- Okay. Okay.

Sure. I'll have to make sure
we're facebook friends

Since you won't
be around much...

- Hmm.
- Anymore.

- Okay. Okay.

- Okay.
- Here.

- Oh.
[Chuckles]

Okay. Oh, sorry.
[Laughs]

- Okay, bye. I'll see ya.
- Sorry. Bye.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ May the road rise up
to meet you ♪

♪ At its destination, ohh ♪

♪ Might their pretty eyes
stay fixed ♪

♪ So you might not
wander on ♪

♪ If you're gonna read
the scripture ♪

[Gears grinding]

♪ Now gospel and men ♪

♪ Will all just stick around ♪

- Oh, poopdick.

Oh, poopdick, poopdick.

- ♪ Now gospel and men ♪

♪ Will all just stick around ♪

- Mm. Meesh.

- [Laughs]

Mush, what's goin' on?

- I'm on a journey, meesh.

When I started this,

I was determined to use
those perfectly good pumpkins.

I boiled them up,
added a bunch of stuff,

But I just couldn't
get the taste right.

So what do I do?

I go to the source.
I call dad.

Turns out, you were right,
meesh.

Canned pumpkins, totally where
it's at for dad's pies.

It's the only way to do this.

So I go to the store and I grab
some canned pumpkins

And I add 'em
to the real pumpkins.

Only problem is, I gotta go
back to the store

'Cause the g*dd*mn
real pumpkins,

They're still takin' over
flavor-wise.

Meanwhile, my filling
is--is growing to a volume

Where it's clear I'm eventually
gonna need more piecrusts.

But not until
my batter's perfected.

I'm close, meesh.

I'm on prototype six
right now.

Really looking forward to when
I hit actual production stage.

- Mm, what's this bad boy like?

- Prototype three?
I don't think so.

It's basically dirt.

Have some patience, meesh,
please.

You're gonna wait till
it's ready, just like dad's.

Oh, my hands.

You got a cloth?

- You locked the oven.
You locked the oven.

- Well, my 'ove' gloves are all
f*cking full of filling.

[Sniffs]

This could be the one, meesh.
- Sweet.

So what are we gonna do
for thanksgiving dinner?

- I don't know, man,

But this oven's dance card
is full.

- Okay.

- Meesh, what happened
to your eye?

- It's a story for christmas.

- You should really do
some packing today.

- Okay.
- It's not bad.

[Train whistle blows]

[Banging]

- Mom!

I'm sleeping.
- What's new?

This is my house, too,
girlfriend,

And you need to get up
and scrub some potatoes.

Mitch is here.

I can't find it!

Mitch!
Mitch!

[Knock on door]

- Everybody cool?

I just need to get my box
from the closet.

- He needs his box
from the closet!

- The dang thing's right here,
pooh bear!

- Oh.

[Blender whirring]

- Good morning.

- Oh, look who decided
to grace us with her presence.

- Want a martini, coma baby?

We ran out of vermouth, though.

- It's pretty much
just a glass of warm vodka.

- Look, you're not going out
tonight, t-baby. You got it?

We're playing
trivial pursuit.

- That's fine.
I don't wanna go out.

That's, like,
a lot of food.

- You hear this? She's
complaining because we feed her.

Must be nice.
- It must be nice, I tell ya.

- Mm.
- Mm.

You, too?

- How was last night?

- It was fine.

- Cool. I told mom I heard you
come in around midnight.

- Oh, thank you.
- [Laughs]

[Classic rock music]

♪ ♪

- "Police spend five hours
chasing florida men

In canoe."
- That's good.

"Florida man demands money

While slapping woman in face
with penis."

- "Florida man drops pants,

Asks cop to stick finger
in his ass."

- Uh-oh.

This is the one.

"Florida man fights cops

"While also trying to perform
exorcism on son

After meth makes him
abnormally strong."

- [Laughs]

- We're gonna be florida men.

- I know.

Come on.
Let's go eat our feelings.

- Do it.

♪ ♪

- I'm thankful for my, uh,

My sense of right and wrong.

- I'm thankful for
my soon-to-be sister-in-law.

- I'm thankful for
all this amazing food.

Thanks, mom.
- You're welcome, sweetheart.

[Laughs]

I'm thankful for all of you.

And I'm thankful for
forgiveness.

And, um,

New beginnings.
[Laughs]

[Cries]
I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, guys.

This is between us.

Our group therapist told us
to experiment in the bedroom.

Things got a little intense.

- Just eat.

- How about some stuffing?
- [Cries] perfect.

- I don't know why you're making
such a big deal about this, dad.

Look, lots of people
don't go to college.

The smartest people I know
just go straight to work.

It doesn't mean that I'm gonna
be successful

If I get my degree.

It's just a way
to be in debt

For the rest of your life.
- In what?

In debt till you die?

I'm paying
for your college, okay?

And you're going to college.
This is not up for discussion.

What's the problem here?
Sorry.

- Yeah, that sounds like
a really great idea in theory.

But I have no f*cking clue

What I wanna do
with the rest of my life.

- That's exactly
what you figure out in college.

Hmm. Sorry.

- You know, I still regret

Not finishing
my hypnotherapy degree.

- Look, I can come home.
I can work at champs.

I'll just figure out
a better plan while I'm here.

- No, you cannot move home.
No, you cannot work for champs.

I did not bust my ass
my entire life

Just to get you an education

So you can come home
and work at champs.

You're going back to school.

You gonna come home now
and throw your whole life away

'Cause you miss mommy?
You miss your bed?

[Bangs table] what is it?
What's the problem here?

- Kenny!

- What's wrong with champs?
[Door slams shut]

- Sorry.
- [Clears throat]

Y'all, I love restaurants.

No, I'm serious.

I love restaurants,
and this food, straight up,

Is restaurant quality.
That is not an exaggeration.

Y'all know about turkey,
though, right?

Y'all gonna be tired,
tired, tired.

- You guys remember that kid
bobby lancaster?

Worst behaved, most horniest
f*ckin' kid ever?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- He had sex with a nun
in eighth grade.

- No, but he did punch a nun
in the face and call her a n*zi.

- Oh, did he?

- I wish I'd put myself
out there more in middle school.

Like, in eighth grade,
kim garvey...

- Kim garvey.
- She invited me over

To watch tv,
but, like, the week before

I had heard that she put
a whole bottle of hand lotion

Up her hoo-ha.
I didn't go.

- So...
- I thought it was mouthwash.

- Whatever it was,
it was, like, a girthy bottle.

I felt emasculated.

- Bobby lancaster used to spit
in lisa meekins' mouth

Every day after lunch, and she--
and she f*ckin' loved it.

- I bet she did.
- Well, because they were

Making out, right?
- No, it was, like, a thing.

He used to gather us all up
and be like, "guys, watch this."

And he would spit
right in her f*ckin' mouth.

[Cell phone buzzes]
- so it wasn't all just

Human feces anymore,
it was changed.

- So two weeks ago,
I'm at the jiffy lube

Getting my oil changed

And I run into bobby lancaster.

And it turns out he's
the nicest guy in the world.

Gave me a bunch of gum,
so sweet.

Told me he was sorry
for all the stuff that happened

In middle school.
He was driving a beamer.

Apparently he owns the largest
landscaping company

In all of pennsyltucky.
- What?

- Total success story.

- Thought a guy like that would,
I don't know, end up in jail.

- Yeah, or on, like,
a reality show.

- Well, you gotta think
at some point

He looked at himself
in the mirror and said,

You know, "I don't wanna just be
the toughest, coolest dude

In middle school.
I want more."

- That's guy's got it all.

- [Sighs]

- Yeah, so my mom just texted
from her shift at the hospital.

Apparently there's been
a pipe burst in my basement.

So I gotta go.
- Oh, nasty.

- Oh, man, pipe burst.

- Think we could, uh...
- Yeah.

- Split it
as a consolation prize?

- All right, dude.
- All right, I'll see ya.

Have fun.
- I'll take that.

- So where to, miss daisy?

- I don't even know.
I just had to get outta there.

I hope I'm not ruining
your thanksgiving or anything.

It's just that I figured your
mom's normally working today

So I thought if you...
- Got you.

- You know, even though
we're not friends,

I knew that personal detail
about your life.

- Right.

- Right.

- Still don't know
where you want to go?

- No.

- I think
I've got an idea.

- Great idea.
Yeah, I'll try that.

No, no, no, I did that.
I did that.

No, no, no,
I wasn't talking to you.

Yeah, he's good.

- [Sighs]

- No, I can do that today.

That's a good idea.
Yeah, I'll try that.

No, no, no, I did that.
I did that.

No, no, no,
I wasn't talking to you.

Yeah. He's good.

[Cell phone buzzes]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Yeah, I did.
Yep, preheated, totally.

- Dude, I'm outta here.
- Did you pack up?

- Yeah.
- I'm moments away

From production here.
Get excited.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no,
I'm not talking to you.

So let me ask you, this whole
evaporated milk thing,

Do I actually have to worry
about it evaporating?

♪ ♪

[Knock on door]

- Hi. I brought pie.

- Who's out there?
- Nobody.

- Well, invite nobody in.
- I brought pumpkin pie.

Hello! Hey! How are ya?
Scott. Nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Scott. Hi, how are you?

Oh, sorry. Hey. Scott.
Happy thanksgiving.

- Thank you.
- Scott.

Thank you so much
for having me over.

I brought you guys some pie.

- Hello?

Mr. Mcintyre?

- Are we doing something
illegal?

- Not at all.

Ian's folks are so rich,
they could give two shits.

Sometimes he pays me double
just to actually come in

And put the weed
in his sock drawer for him

So it's there when he gets home.

Spoiled little sophomore
dickwad.

Anyway, the whole family's
in boulder skiing

For the holiday.
Seems ridiculous.

I don't know why you would go
to colorado for thanksgiving.

But he always tells me
I can use his pool

If I feel like it, and, well,
I finally feel like it.

- There's a pool?
It's freezing out.

Whoa.

[Cell phone buzzes]

- What'd you get
on your sats?

- I'm not telling you that.

- You're embarrassed
because it's high.

- Please,
what are you getting at?

I'm thinking
about coming home.

- From school?

Seriously?

Terrible idea.

- You don't go to school.

- Do as I say, not as I do.

- [Scoffs]
okay, mom.

- What? So I have to agree
with everything you say?

- No, I just

Thought you would understand.

- I do understand.

But I also think it's a terrible
idea to give up an education

That your dad's giving you
as a gift

'Cause he likes you.

Especially for somebody
as smart as you.

- Can I have a cigarette?

- No.

Can I ask you something?

When's the last time
you changed clothes?

- None of your business.

- That's what I thought.

- Anyway...
- [Laughs]

- Okay, go.
- I've had too much to drink.

- Scott! You two are in cahoots,
you know.

- Elvis!
- That was good!

- Kermit! Kermit the frog!
- Oh, wait! Wait!

Bobby brown!
I knew it!

- Bobby brown?

- Cookie monster! Ha ha!
- Cookie monster.

Whoa! Whoa.

You're hot! Hot!
- Undefeated.

- No, no, no,
it's simple really.

The secret is in creating
mnemonics in the first round

That'll last you all the way
to the pantomime round.

- Right.
- I mean, you get princess leia,

For example...
- Yeah.

- You gotta get those
hair danishes going right away.

Right away, plump and full,
side of the head.

Nobody will make any mistakes
again.

- Can I talk to you
for a second?

- Yeah, let's go.
I'll be back!

- Where you go?
- Oh, he's so great.

- What is going on here?

You're like a villain
in a kevin costner film.

I hit you with my van
and then you show up at my home.

- What? Phil made extra pumpkin
pies, and you told me last night

You love pumpkin pie so much,
so I brought a pumpkin pie.

- No, I didn't say anything
about pies.

Also, I tried some
when I went to the bathroom

In the second round.
It tastes like envelopes.

- Oh, sh*t.
He warned me about that.

- Look, I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be rude.

It's just I'm not good
with family and friends

Besides, what about heather?

- It's all right. Heather and I
broke up, like, four months ago.

We're totally cool.

Hey,
what are you doing tomorrow?

I was thinking about
having a day.

- A day?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know, like a day,
a thing.

You have to come
for your own good.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Like, I'm concerned for your
well-being if you don't show up.

And I'm kind of
depending on it

Seeing as I've got no car.

- You want me to be your driver?
- No.

- I want to borrow your car.
I can drive.

You just have to, you know,
pick me up in the morning

And drop me off at night.
- I don't know.

My--my sister's engagement
thing's on saturday.

And you can see how attached
my parents are.

I'm lucky we don't co-sleep.

- Let me handle them, okay?

One more round and I'm gone.

I swear.

- No! Wow, aah!
[Cheering]

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

- One more round.
- All right, let's do it.

- Your turn.

- Hey, what are you doing
the rest of break?

- Probably gonna eat a kielbasa
and google school sh**t.

Thanks for the pool.
- You, too.

[Cheery holiday music]

♪ ♪

[Shower running]

[Toilet flushes]

- Pack your room, meesh!

- Aah!

[Cell phone buzzes]

[Thud]

- I'm driving, poopdick.

- [Sighs]

- God, what are you,
like, feet and / ?

- So what's this plan?

- Oh, I just thought you could
use a field trip day.

You know what?
I think you're one of those

Who think life is better
elsewhere,

You know, like one of those
escapee ones

[Cell phone buzzes]
and thus before I am forced

To leave
this hallowed ground...

I want you to understand
its splendor.

I mean, this town birthed
the slinky.

And you can't get much more
loveable than that.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

- ♪ I walked into your arms ♪

♪ Wearing a suit of armor ♪

- ♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

- ♪ You got into my heart ♪

♪ Yeah, you won me over ♪

- You--are you coming?
- Yep, just give me a minute,

Please.
- [Giggles] come on!

- Just go, and I'll go.
- Come on!

- Just go, and I'll go.
Please don't shake the bridge.

- What's wrong?
- Please don't shake the bridge.

- All right.
This was your idea.

- Doesn't mean
you have to throw caution.

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪
- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- ♪ How'd you break
my unbreakable heart ♪

♪ Unbreakable heart ♪

♪ Out on the street ♪

- Sup?

- ♪ Running for shelter ♪

- ♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

- Hey!

- Come on.
You're coming to work with me.

I like what you've done
with the place.

Come on, we gotta go
before your mom and mitch

Start making love
in the living room.

- That's disgusting.
- Seriously.

It's already happening.
We should go.

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

♪ How'd you break
my unbreakable heart? ♪

- You just came again,
didn't you?

- Shut up.

- This is fun.

But onwards.

More adventures await.

- ♪ Unbreakable heart ♪

- ♪ Dun-dun dun-dun di dayo ♪

- Eat it, it's good.

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪


♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- Just in case.

- ♪ Do it, do it ♪
- ♪ how'd you do it? ♪

♪ How'd you do it? ♪

♪ How'd
you do it? ♪

♪ How'd you do it?
Do it, do it ♪

♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- Yes!
Look at that.

- ♪ How'd you break
my unbreakable heart? ♪

- $ . Is your change.

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪
- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- Circle. Yep.

- ♪ How'd you break
my unbreakable heart? ♪

- They say they want sausage
and pepperoni.

Is that okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Uh, yeah, that's fine.

- ♪ How'd you break
my unbreakable heart? ♪

- ♪ Break my unbreakable ♪
- ♪ how'd you do it? ♪

- [Laughs]

- ♪ How'd you do it? ♪

- I think you're gonna
really like it.

It's a little bit weird,
but it's beautiful.

- Is it dangerous?

- It's a little bit dangerous,
but it's beautiful.

- So what's california like?

- I don't know.

This is gonna sound
really stupid,

But no one out there
returns my high fives.

And it's happened,
like, three times.

- No.
- Yeah.

And it's highly disconcerting.

- California sounds like
it sucks.

- Don't make fun of me.
- Oh, come on.

If the worse thing you can say
about ucla

Is that no one returns
your high fives,

I'm guessing it's pretty great.
- [Laughs]

Then why doesn't it
feel great?

- I don't know.

Maybe it takes some time.

First three weeks at cmu
I felt like I was walking around

Doing a weird impersonation
of myself.

You're homesick, homeboy.

- [Laughs]

- What?

- You're right.

[Laughs]

You know the worst part?

I used part
of my student loan

To pay for
my plane ticket home.

And god, if my parents find out,
they'll destroy me.

- Wow, you must really love
high fives.

- Hey, thanks for hitting me
with your van.

- Hmm.

Thanks for bringing me
to this abandoned warehouse

And not murdering me.

- Yet.

Yet.

That's okay.
Hey, it's okay.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No.

- I had, like, no boyfriends
in high school,

And I don't really watch p*rn
because it stresses me out

About the well-being
of the actors.

- No, no, no. Hey, don't--
- I don't know what I'm doing.

- Don't apologize. No, I just
wanna--i wanna kiss you.

I should get a condom now.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Maybe we shouldn't.

- We were already doing it.
I was halfway inside you.

- Hmm, wasn't that more of,
like, a just the tip situation?

- That's very flattering,

But I was halfway inside you.

- Yeah, it's not that it didn't
feel like the best thing ever,

I just--oh,

I just know
I'm a supersensitive person,

And I'm probably gonna turn
psychotically obsessed with you

If we do it, and then you'll
go back to school in california,

And your parents
are moving away.

I don't know.

We're probably never
gonna see each other again.

I'm--i'm sorry.
- No, it's--

No, it's fine.
I--no, we don't have to do it.

I don't want to do anything
you don't want to do.

Of course.

It's fine.

[Doo-wop music]

♪ ♪

- Ready?

Thanks.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Cell phone buzzes]

- Who is it?

- Katie's having people over.

I'm worried she might k*ll me
if I don't go.

- It could be fun.
- I don't know.

There's, like, this feeling
that she hates me

But also kind of wants to
wear my skin.

- Fine. I mean,
we don't have to go.

Or you know, whatever--
whatever you want.

We can say our good-byes
whenever.

It really doesn't matter.
It's fine.

- I mean, like,
what do you want to do?

- Oh, you wanna do something?

- If you wanna go to katie's,
I'm fine with that.

- Okay.

Um, I guess we can do that.

- I mean, like,
if you wanna keep hanging.

- I do. No, I do.

Uh, I think. I was
supposed to hang with petroff,

But he's, like, not answering
any texts, so that's weird.

It's green.
- What?

Oh.

All chanting:
sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!
sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

- Only in your hometown

Can walking into a basement
next to someone

Feel like
the biggest deal ever.

- It's, like, the second day
I get to boston

They had this thing called
the freedom rally.

Hey, man,
will you hold it steady?

- Dude, pump.

- I had said my good-byes
at senior week.

I had written long messages
in everyone's yearbooks.

But hanging out now
felt a little like

Some sort of lame,
very subtle time travel.

Or like we were all ghosts

Haunting katie krake's basement.

- Okay, let's see
if this works.

f*ck yes!
Yes!

- Are you taking bong rips
of vodka?

- Yes, we are.

- I saw this video.
It totally works.

- [Coughs]

- Zewsk.

- That's good, isn't it?
- Yeah!

- [Laughs]
- yeah.

- My buddy josh--it's actually
the guy I live with

Out in boston,
he grew up in syracuse.

He plays lacrosse on
the boston team and everything.

But he, uh, same weekend--

f*cked four girls
in one weekend.

He hit up a freshman,
a sophomore,

A junior and a senior

In high school.
- No, he didn't.

- Dude, he's, like, the sh*t.
He's so f*ckin' tough.

He's, like, my boy, though, man.
I love him.

- Before or after he locked
tongues with you, though?

- Mm.

- Dude, wait.
What the f*ck?

- I have a question
about that guy.

- Come on.
- f*ck off, man.

Hmm.
- Are they just, like, hanging?

How did this happen?
It's f*cking weird, right?

- It was a little sudden.
- It's kind of f*cked, right?

You think he's, like,
making fun of her?

- I don't think so.
How would he be making--

- Hey.
- [Chuckles]

- Hey.
- What's up?

- Move your legs.
What's up, karazewski?

How's ucla?
- It's the best. I love it.

- You should move out there.
- What? Why?

- Because you hate it here,
and now you have a reason to go.

- I don't hate it here.
I love it sometimes.

- Yeah, right.

She's always trying to get away
for some snobby sh*t.

You know she applied to brown
and nyu but didn't get in.

- Hey, thanks
for bringing that up.

- What? I just think it's funny
that you didn't get that far

When you were clearly
trying to get far away.

Pittsburgh
is basically altoona,

And actually altoona
has way better outlets.

William eugene petroffski.

- Heather?

Heather. Heather!
Hi, girl.

- Hey, what's up?

- Uh, heather needed a ride.

So what happened to you
this morning?

- Uh, nothing. I had to help
phil move some stuff.

- Hey.

- Hey, girl.
- Hi!

- You smell weird.

- Oh!
- Wow!

[Cheering]

- So when did you two
start carpooling?

- Dude, she really just
needed a ride, that's all.

- I'm gonna get a beer.
You want one, tori?

- Sure.
- Oh!

[Crash]

- m*therf*cker.

- Ha ha!

- Oh, there goes her dad's cds.

- Are you dating will petroff?

- No.

- You know
he f*cked kara suey

In the parking lot
behind the mall

And then never
talked to her again?

But, like, do whatever
you wanna do.

Tori, can I talk to you?

- Katie blew petroff on the
field trip to gettysburg, right?

- That is correct.
- Ninth grade.

- Yeah.
- Back of the bus.

- Oh, yeah.

- What are we doing?

- You have been acting like
a totally different person

And it sucks, okay?
It's really shitty.

Like, you're not you anymore.

- I don't know what to say.

- You don't know what to say?

Wow.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ If you ain't givin',
I'm gonna take it ♪

♪ I'm breakin' the bank ♪

♪ He come and tells me
love was shakin' my way ♪

- Vitamin?

It's candy.

- So I heard you're moving
to florida.

My aunt lives in florida.

- Everyone's aunt
lives in florida.

- ♪ Again and again,
and told his homeboys ♪

- They all called you thespian
behind your back.

All of high school.
- I was a thespian.

I was in thespian club.

- What, did you, like,
suck scott's d*ck this weekend

And now you think
you're hot sh*t?

For your information,
my mom and dad

Were totally like,
"where is tori?

Why isn't tori around?"
They miss you.

And you know my mom is sick.

- She had
elective knee surgery.

- My uncle owns a pizza shop
in tampa.

Give him, like, bucks, he'll
give you a brand new pizza.

- Yeah,
that's how pizza shops work.

- I guess I thought
we were best friends.

I guess I thought
that meant something,

But apparently you're too busy
blowing my ex-boyfriend

To care about anyone
but yourself.

- You dated in seventh grade.

- It's not that long ago.

- Yes, it is!

- ♪ Don't give me no change ♪

♪ If you ain't givin',
I'm gonna take it ♪

♪ I'm breakin' the bank ♪

♪ These comatose was
shakin' my way ♪

♪ So come and give it to me,
I want it all night ♪

♪ You better have strength
and you better have length ♪

♪ I want it just right ♪

♪ Heard you get tongue twist,
well, baby, you just kiss ♪

♪ Oh, you're so cool,
badass dude ♪

♪ Tryin' to give me chills ♪

- What the f*ck, man?

- ♪ You do it so nice
that a broad say that you're-- ♪

- No!
- I'm gonna go.

Katie, look, I'm sorry.

I just don't think we have
a lot in common anymore.

I'm gonna go!
- [Cries] no.

- What the f*ck's goin' on
with you, man?

- Nothin', I just really wish

I would've played some ball
with you, dude.

- You need
to chill the f*ck out.

- Oh!
- Zewsk! Zewsk!

- And you know what?

Maybe I do like
scott karazewski.

Deal with it!

Um...

- Come on, stop it!

- Whoa!

- Whoa.
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Hey.

- Whoa!

- Get off me.
Get the f*ck off me!

My f*ckin' druggie best friend
is f*cking the love of my life.

- There's f*ckin'
nothin' between us, man.

- I don't even live here anyway.
Why would I come back?

Okay, I'm never
comin' back here.

So f*ck it, and f*ck you!

And f*ck you.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- I think we should break up.

- Just got me so confused,
heather.

This is comin' outta nowhere.
- It isn't.

- Heather, I know you.

You just--
you need to take a walk,

Or you need to think about this,
I want you to take a shower.

- f*ck you.

- Or maybe a round
of drunk frozen golf

Or maybe a floor bed
and some movies.

We--we can find harper
and get him so drunk

That he sings that song again.

- Scott, your parents
are moving.

I don't know why you refuse
to talk about this.

- That's--that's not
totally for sure.

- Tim reyes told me
they're already gone.

- Well, that's not true.
That's not even true.

- Scott, look, we go to schools
on opposite coasts.

We're probably never gonna
see each other again.

- Don't say that!
- It's true.

I'm sorry, maybe at a wedding
in, like, eight years,

But probably not, scott.
- Oh, my.

- I'm just realizing that

Things change
and things end

And things die.

I'm gonna die,
and you're gonna die and...

We're either just gonna
rot away slowly

Or elect to get burnt
into dust.

I don't know if anything happens
after you die,

But if it does,

You're probably
not gonna be scott,

And I won't be heather.

Scott, listen.

[Sighs]

Unless we force it,
there's no natural way

Our lives are gonna intersect
after these five days.

Right now, this weekend,

I would rather not
spend my time

Reliving some sad, creepy
puppet show

Of our greatest hits.

[Train whistle blows]

[Urinating]

- [Sneezes]

[Continues urinating]

- I got the mix ratio right,
meesh.

We're on our way now.

This is the homestretch.

Four more pies in the oven,
last rotation.

I did it.

Yeah, you know,

Something happened to me
making these pies, meesh.

- You got higher

Than any human
has ever gotten?

- No.

I realized

I wanna be a dad.

I really, really
wanna be a father.

- Come here.

Come here.
- Come on.

- Come here.

I know you do.
I know.

- I'm so glad you came home
this weekend.

I couldn't have done this
without you, man.

- I'm really glad
I'm here, too.

- [Clears throat]

Well, that was some
thanksgivin' dinner, wasn't it?

You know I did that, right?

Dropped outta college.

Right after my first semester.

I had to get the hell
outta tallahassee.

Whole thing
didn't feel right.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And let me tell you
about the next four years.

I spent some of that time
in jail

On account of having stabbed
my step-daddy.

It was a fairly typical
domestic dispute

Over a hornet's nest.

- You mean, the situation
was like a hornet's nest?

- No, no. We was fightin'
over a hornet's nest.

He thought it was his,
and I thought it was mine.

But I learned so much
in jail.

And then I went to hawaii,

And I got a girl pregnant,
'cause she told me

That the hot tub was gonna k*ll
all the sperm.

Turns out that wasn't true.

Turned out she wanted
to get pregnant

'Cause she was in a cult and
she had to give them a child.

Child's still with the cult
for all I know.

I'm--i'm not allowed
to see it.

Otherwise, I swear to god,
I would be its daddy.

Point is, those are the years
that I would've been in college.

And I learned so much more

Just being out in the world,
you know?

And a little bit in jail.

- Thanks, mitch.
- Hey, any time.

Hey, you need some clean piss,
you let me know.

I got a guy.

[Daniel wilson's will you
playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Will you wait? ♪

♪ I was wondering
if you would wait ♪

♪ And I was wondering
to my seams ♪

♪ Is that us
that all we dreamed ♪

♪ I was wondering ♪

♪ If I could wait for you ♪

♪ I was wondering ♪

♪ Will you wait for me? ♪

♪ I can't wait any more ♪

♪ If you choose me,
I could choose you ♪

♪ Or nothing at all ♪

♪ I need you
like I used to ♪

♪ I can't wait any more ♪

♪ If you choose me,
I could choose you ♪

♪ Or nothing at all ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ I can't wait any more ♪

♪ If you choose me,
I could choose you ♪

- Hey.
Okay, um,

So I just--i wanted to say

I'm really sorry
about last night.

It was--it was stupid.

I don't know why I felt like
I needed to drink that much.

I said a bunch
of stupid things

I know for a fact
aren't true,

But the reason
that I'm here

Is because
I feel different.

And I know for a fact that
that's because of you.

I spent the past couple of days
saying good-bye

To so many things,

And I'm not ready
to say good-bye to you yet.

- ♪ Wait any more
if you choose me ♪

♪ I could choose you,
can't wait anymore ♪

- Thank you

For saying that,

But I'm sorry.

I just don't think
it's gonna work out.

I'm just admitting it
to myself.

I'm sorry, scott.

I'm too weird.

I'm too sensitive.

I can't really be,
like, physical with you

When I know that you care
about someone else.

- No, tori, if you--
- no, I'm sorry.

I wish I was different.

I'm sorry.

[Jingle bells playing]

♪ ♪

- Wow.

Did you eat?

- Not a chance. I just ordered
so they'd let us sit here.

- I followed your lead.

- I'm gonna miss phil.

- He'll always be there
for you.

- Will he really, though?

I mean, wouldn't that be
kind of weird after a while?

- No.

I don't know. Yes.
I hate this.

- Yeah.

- [Indistinct television
chatter]

- [Sighs]

- You--you owe me this.

You know you owe me.
You have to do it.

Come on, neck face guy.

[Laughs]

Do--do your mom's cousin mark.

[Laughs]
oh, my god.

All right, give me creepy doll.
You know I want it.

Give me creepy doll.
[Laughs]

Do the--the spanish man.

Okay.
- Español.

- No. No.
The one you've been doing.

The one you were doing
the other day.

- That was a voice.
- Yeah, do the voice.

- [Weird voice]
want me do the voice?

Why not do it for you
all the time?

- [Laughs]
I'm gonna miss this.

- [Funny voice]
I'm gonna miss you.

- Stop.
- What?

- Can't make it a joke.
Come on.

You really have to miss me.

- I'll miss you.

Hey.
- How's it goin'?

- It's all right,
I guess.

- Phil called me over
to help out

Since you're all banged up.
Sorry about that.

- It's all right.
Most of it wasn't you.

- Good.

You know nothing happened
between her and i,

If you're wondering.
- No, I don't wanna know.

- She just needed
something, man.

- Petroff, it's cool.

- All right.

- Weird break, huh?

- You seen the inside
of your house?

Weird f*ckin' weekend.

- Hey, when you two lovebirds
get a chance,

There's a few more boxes
in the basement.

- [Over television] I mean,
I know it's a little different,

'Cause they didn't
really marry for love

They married for convenience.

- Hey, mom says you have to stop
watching tv.

- No, she didn't.
- Okay, I'm saying it.

- Leave me alone.

- Are you gonna go

To phil and scott's tonight?

Jen steinacker called
and told us about it,

Something about pie.
- I love pie.

- I'm manning your party
tonight, duh.

- Yeah, well, you can make
an early exit. Duh!

I mean, courtney and I
are probably gonna go after.

- Yeah, totally.

- Okay, look.

I'm going to lay something out
on you here.

We were totally spying
on you and scott.

You are being
a prude piece of sh*t.

Come on, you gotta live
a little.

You can't be all protected
in your blankie.

- Leave me alone!

- Your vag*na is going to
fall off unless you use it.

- That is not
a nice thing to say!

- Stop watching tv!

- No!

[Indistinct chatter]

[Rock music playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Put your weapons down ♪

♪ You're gonna break
your back ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna happen ♪

♪ I will show you that ♪

♪ Useless celebrations ♪

♪ Forced their desecrations ♪

♪ You and all the boys ♪

♪ Should follow this instead ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Time to surrender ♪

- Guys! Guys, if you want
to win in the third round,

You have to--
you have to do mnemonics.

With--with your whole body,
like, abraham lincoln.

Yeah.
- Who's that?

- Monet!
- A western painter!

A western painter.
- I have no idea.

- Charlie chaplin!
- You see?

- Is that time?

[Fading chatter]

- ♪ To go and fight back ♪

♪ ♪

- Tori! Hey!

Tori, no!

Hey!

- [Grunts]
- [groans]

Ah.
- Ow.

Are you okay?

- [Screams]

Oh, god.

- Okay, a grating sound
or feeling

When the nose is touched
or rubbed,

Swelling of the nose,
nose pain...

- Oh, nose pain, yeah.
- Crooked or bent appearance,

Okay, it says
that it isn't broken

If it doesn't look broken.

- Okay.
- And it looks--

It looks good.
- Okay.

- Oh, you got blood
on your shirt.

- Oh, that's okay.
I still need to do my laundry.

Why were you running?

- Didn't want to miss
the free pie.

- Phil might have pie
for everybody in town.

Even you, poopdick.

- I'm really gonna miss you,
scott karazewski.

- Well, don't miss me
too much.

My flight doesn't leave
until : .

[Indistinct chatter]

- I want to.

Do you want to?

- No, I'm good. Thanks.

- You didn't, did you?
- No.

- Sorry.

- That's okay.
I owed you one.

[Footsteps approaching]

[Indistinct chatter]

- Oh, thank you.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Door closes]

- [Indistinct chatter
over television]

[Daniel wilson's young rubbish
playing]

♪ When you're young ♪

♪ You can be anything
that you wanna be ♪

♪ When you're young ♪

♪ You can stay anywhere
you wanna stay ♪

♪ So stay young forever ♪

- They say
you can't go home again,

And I never really understood
what that meant.

I mean, yes I can.
I go home all the time.

I do my laundry and run
into people I don't want to,

And it pretty much
always sucks.

- ♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba ba ♪

♪ Ba ba-ba ♪

- When I miss something,

It's usually a certain group
of people

At a certain time.

That I know
can never be re-created.

Summer camp,

That family trip
with the mugs...

High school.

- ♪ When you're young ♪

- Thanks for letting me
drive you.

- ♪ You wanna stay ♪

♪ So stay young ♪

- That time
we broke into the gymnasium,

That time we stayed up
all night,

That time
with the golf cart,

That time
with the sticky buns.

- ♪ Is your own ♪

♪ Just stay ungrown ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ♪

- John updike,
who grew up in p.a.

Now far from hollidaysburg,
wrote,

"Each day we wake
slightly altered

"And the person
we were yesterday is dead.

"So why be afraid of death,

When death comes all the time?"

I underlined the sh*t
out of that quote.

There's just something nice
about the idea

Of dying every day

And of being born,

And born,

And born.

- ♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ♪

[Daniel wilson's
please dream again playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Give me one single break

♪ And I'll ♪

♪ Give you my heart ♪

♪ Give me one single break ♪

♪ And I'll ♪

♪ Give you my heart ♪

♪ From the start ♪

♪ Oh, from the start ♪

♪ Give me one single break ♪

♪ And I'll ♪

♪ Give you my dreams ♪

♪ Give me one single break ♪

♪ And I'll ♪

♪ Give you my dreams ♪

♪ It's what I mean ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I mean ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ Give me ♪

♪ Give me ♪

♪ Give me ♪

♪ Give me your hand ♪

♪ And I'll ♪

♪ Take you with me on this ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream with me ♪

♪ [Whistling] ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh ♪

- ♪ It's what I need ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I need ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I need ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I need ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I need ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I need ♪

♪ I wouldn't lie to you ♪

♪ It's what I need ♪
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