Tadpole (2002)

[bunniefuu]

[Music playing]

[Train whistle blows]

Snap out of it, Grubber.
Miranda Spear, one o'clock.

- Hey, Oscar.
- Hi, Miranda.

- What are you reading?
- Voltaire.

You see, Oscar and I
were just debating on...

MIRANDA: Voltaire? Really?

That's so cool.

My friends are waiting,
so... see you after break.

Sure.

All right.
I'll see you, Miranda.

Oh, my God,
she's totally hot for you.

She's got friends.
You're hooking me up.

I'm not asking her out.

What? Why not? She's perfect.

Did you see her hands?

I... I wasn't looking
at her hands.

Experience, wit, intellect...
all revealed by the hands.

- Does she have fat hands?
- She had hands like a...

Like a steel worker?

She had hands like a...

child.

[Man singing in French]

CHARLIE: I worry about you.
Oscar I really do

Why, because I'm interested
in more than websites?

Because you're
fetishizing hands.

OSCAR:
I wouldn't call it a fetish.

CHARLIE: You find reasons
not to like things.

- That's not true. Like what?
- Like Miranda Spear.

Like simple explanations.

I like things
I don't understand.

You're never gonna get laid
that way.

It's not all about getting laid,
Charlie.

- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.

It is so.

- What about love?
- Yeah. I've heard of it.

It's not like
you're in love with someone.

I knew something was up.

Wow. The Grubber, in love.

W ho thoe hoell s t?

Someone I've known for a while.

Do I know her?

She doesn't even know... yet.

All right.

When do you plan on
telling her?

That's the thing.
I want to find the right time.

Definitely this weekend.
Maybe tonight.

Is she coming over
for Thanksgiving?

She'll be there Why?

I'm coming over for pie.

No, you're not.
You're not invited.

Grubbs.

- Hi, Tadpole.
- Hey, Jimmy.

- Home for Thanksgiving?
- That's right.

- What happened to your hair?
- I combed it.

Well, I don't like it.

[Soft jazz playing]

[Indistinct chatter]

- Hi, Oscar.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Lodder.

Diane, please.

Diane,
have you seen Eve anywhere?

Yeah, she was just here.

Oh, she went
to go get some keys...

so she could get
in the lab tomorrow.

[Horn honking]
Ca va?

Excuse me.

So, Oscar, can we plan on
seeing you at Columbia?

Leave him alone, Dad.
He's only a sophomore.

It's never too early to think
about college, Daphne...

as it would behoove you
to realize.

Actually, Professor Tisch...

I have given some thought
to Columbia... premed.

Not history?

- Well, l...
- Excuse me!

May I have your attention,
everybody?

I'm sorry to interrupt...

but I'd like to make
a short Thanksgiving toast...

and then invite you all
to commence eating.

First of all

I'd like to apologize to
Native Americans everywhere...

for decimating
their population...

and basically stealing
this country from out...

Stick to antiquities, Stanley.

No, no, no.
I'm a traditionalist...

and far be it from me
to dispense with any excuse...

to eat turkey and pecan pie

And so, to my recently returned
prodigal son.

WOMAN: Hear. Hear

To my distinguished
colleagues...

at the Columbia history
department and their families.

And, uh...
am I leaving anyone out?

Eve.

Yes. Of course
Although not here. She...

[Door unlocks]

Could it be? Could it be?

To my lovely wife Eve

Ohh, I'm so sorry.

She may be the face
I can't forget

A trace of pleasure
or regret

[i]Maybe the treasure

[i]Or the price
I have to pay

[i]She

[i]She

You turn the corner,
then hidden away...

in this small forgotten
backstreet...

is this old, old house...

[i]DAPHNE: How's your mom. Oscar?
She still in France?

[i]OSCAR: Yeah.
She went back a while ago

When's the last time
you saw her?

I went back last summer.

[Sighs] I wish I had
an exotic French mother.

[i]There's nothing exotic

[i]about mothers who live
on the Upper East side

Well, they can be exotic
in their own way.

You walk in, and it's a home,
a timeless home. You feel it.

It's hard to put it
into words, but...

[i]DAPHNE: My mom brings me back
the stupidest things

That's not what I'm saying.

There was
this lovely fresco that...

- It's very intimate.
- Completely out of context.

[i]DAPHNE:
Too small or whatever

There was some...

[i]DAPHNE: That's cool
You've got. Like

[i]that look. That faraway look
That's cool

[i]I've-been-studying
for-four-days thing

[Sighs]

It sounded beautiful.

- What's that?
- The timeless home.

Ohh. Thanks. Ha ha.

I get a little caught up
in the whole... I don't know.

No, no. That's good.

It's good to get caught up...

in the feeling of something,
the aura.

I mean, if everything
could be reduced...

to verbalizable facts...

we wouldn't have any need
for music, would we?

You might have a point there.

Of course I have a point.

The timeless home,
that's like...

the title of some great
lost Puccini operetta.

You're sweet, you know that?

[Pouring wine]

So, how are things
at... at Chauncey?

[i]Not bad

[i]Any girls there?

Sure, there are girls.

Well? Any you like?

Well,
they're mostly pretty dumb.

They can't all be dumb.

It just seems like they haven't
lived that much, you know?

Well, we're talking about
sophomores, right?

Yeah.

Maybe you should
give them a chance, Oscar.

I mean, they might've lived
more than you think.

Sure.

You have high expectations,
don't you, Oscar?

Hey.

- How are you?
- Good.

[Footsteps]

That's better.

Don't want back problems
before you're forty.

So, how's
the chiropody business?

Chiropody is feet.

Chiropractic?

It's pretty good.
I stare at backs all day.

You can tell a lot
about a person by their back.

I've always thought of my spine
as incredibly personal.

I don't think I could
show my spine to just anyone.

Maybe if you were
in enough pain, you could.

Not even then, maybe.

Throw a couple cubes in there,
would you, Diane?

Sure.

How's that endodontist
of yours?

Great.

I have a wicked crush...

on your stepmother's
best friend.

Oscar.

I know, Professor Sherman.

Isn't it obvious?

What is this?

Voltaire?

[i]Oscar

Voltaire said...

"If God did not exist,
he would have to be invented."

He was a funny guy.

[i]STANLEY: Oscar!

Excuse me.

Professor Tisch
wants to stay and gossip...

about our colleagues
a little longer.

- Will you walk Daphne home?
- Dad, no.

Daphne's been taking the subway
since she was eight.

She's a good-looking girl,
don't you think?

She's all right.

Well, it would be
a nice gesture.

An empty gesture. No, Dad.
I'm fatigued this evening.

I've been on trains, in cars.

I've had two lengthy debates
on Voltaire and Henry Miller...

both of which I won,
incidentally.

I haven't unpacked yet,
got a lot of things to do...

and I'm not gonna stand here...

and argue about it with you,
all right?

Do you wanna go with me
to the Moby concert on Sunday?

Not really.

I don't go in much
for contemporary pop music.

What do you go in for?

You know, regular stuff.

Oscar,
contemporary pop music...

is regular stuff
for a fifteen-year-old.

Voltaire or whatever
is not regular.

- Well, we differ.
- Yeah.

God, you're like
a forty-year-old...

trapped in
a fifteen-year-old's body.

- I mean, it's not a bad body...
- Taxi!

Hold on.

Come on.

I live six blocks from here.

It's cold.

th and Lex.
I have to wake up early.

You are so weird.

OK. Safe trip.

[Romantic song playing
on jukebox]

Hey, happy Thanksgiving, pal.

[Woman on jukebox
singing in French]

Say, how old are you, anyway?

Forty.

Me, too.

Doesn't it suck?

Ah, it's not so bad.

[i]Your wife
probably didn't leave you

I'm not married, actually.

Well, don't wait too long.
All the best ones get taken.

I hear you there.

I adore French songs
of this period.

You're not French.

- It's part of my act.
- What act?

You gonna buy me a drink?

Bob, the lady's dry.

Well, I got to go feed the cat.

Why so glum, chum?

I have high expectations.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You have beautiful hands.

Oh, Jeez. Oscar?

Oh, hiya, Diane.

[Sighs]

Top of the night to you.

Oscar, you don't look so hot.

Oh, don't worry about me.

Hey... oh, careful!
Careful. Come here.

Come on. Come on.
Let me get you some coffee.

No, no, no. I gotta get home.

No, no.
You don't want your father...

to see you like this. Come on.

My wallet was stolen.

- You got mugged?
- Sort of.

What do you mean, "Sort of"?

She was very pleasant about it.

- Take your coat?
- No.

Well, come in.
Make yourself comfortable.

Ohh. It got chilly in here.

Hey, that's Eve's scarf.

Yeah, I know. I like it.

I might forget to give it back.

Ohh! Oh, dear.

OK. What hurts?

OSCAR: Everything.

OK.

[Sighs]

- Diane?
- Mm-hmm?

What's it like being forty?

[Chuckles]

Not as bad as people make out.

Except everyone you know
seems kind of tired.

Worn out, you mean?

Yeah, like
they've seen it all before.

Eve's not like that.

No, Eve's not like that.
And you're not like that.

It's nice.

You know what?

This is really hard to do
with your sweater on.

[Exhales deeply]

[Exhales deeply]

[i]OSCAR: Eve

Ow!

Oh, Jeez.

[TV playing indistinctly]

[i]MAN: Morning

Diane's good, isn't she?

Yes. Yes.

I'm Phil, the boyfriend.

Boyfriend. I'm Oscar Grubman.
I'm just a friend.

So, how long's
she been doing you?

This was the first time,
I swear to you...

and the only time.

You're kind of young,
aren't you?

Yes, way too young.
Young and stupid.

Pinched nerve?

Excuse me?

Did you twist your neck
or something?

Hell, I didn't see
a chiropractor...

till I turned forty.

Ohh! Yeah.
Um, very pinched nerve.

Actually, three of them. Um...

medial collateral, collateral,
and hyper collateral...

although the hyper
wasn't quite as severe.

So, the old girl
give you your money's worth?

Good morning.
Didn't hear you come in.

I just got here.

Oscar here was saying
you worked him over pretty good.

No, I didn't. I mean...

yes, you worked out
the pinched nerve in my back.

Yeah, he had quite
a knotted muscle.

My God, the pain
right here in my shoulder.

Took a lot of work.

Thank God my vocation
gives me such pleasure.

We should all be so blessed.

Well, thanks again, Mrs. Lodder.

I'll put that check
in the mail pronto.

Nice to meet you, Phil.

Hey, you take care, buddy.

- I'll walk you out.
- Uh, please don't bother.

No. It's no bother.

[Yawns]

Diane, no one can ever
find out about last night, OK?

- OK.
- I mean it. I'm serious.

It's very important to me...

that Eve and my dad
never find out about this.

OK. All right. I won't tell.

Good. Phil, either.
He's a lot bigger than me.

- Actually, he's not.
- Diane, please.

OK. All right. Mum's the word.

Thank you.

[i]Give that to Eve for me

Hey, Oscar.
That girl sure was pretty.

Who?

Professor Tisch's girl.

Oh, Daphne.
Yeah, I guess she's pretty.

Is she new to the pond,
Tadpole?

Don't you sleep?

[Floorboard creaks]

[i]STANLEY: So

Hi, dad.

I didn't hear you come in.

Daphne and I
got to talking last night.

Is that right?

Is Eve around?

[i]No
She left for work at dawn

Why is she working today?

She likes to go in when there's
no one around to bug her.

- So she's by herself.
- What's that?

Nothing. Nothing.

Picnic?

Sort of.

But you have time
to help old dad...

do some grocery shopping,
don't you?

- Now?
- Yeah. Come on.

Dad,
I thought you were gonna...

take some time
to work on your book today.

Well, come on.
I mean, that can wait.

How many people
really are dying to read...

[i]The Life and Times
of Arnobias of Sicca?

Well, I think you really
underestimate your audience.

There are a lot of
Arnobias of Sicca fans...

out there that
you're completely unaware of.

- Really? You think so?
- Yeah.

I mean, the kids at school...
the ones in the know, anyway...

talk about Arnobias of Sicca...

like he was
the hip ancient scholar.

- Arnobias. Really?
- You picked a winner.

You should feel really good
about it and really motivated.

[i]You put it that way. I do
feel pretty damn motivated

Either way,
we need paper towels, cereal...

and we're completely out
of cheesecake.

Dad, I'm not really
into cheesecake anymore.

[i]Grab your coat

Taxi!
[Horns honking]

- Who is she, Oscar?
- Who, dad?

Where did you sleep last night?

I know it wasn't at Charlie's.

Come clean.
This is your old man here.

What happened?
Did you, uh...

run into some buddies
from Chauncey...

go downtown,
get a couple of beers...

and stare at the hippies
in Greenwich Village?

There are no hippies in
Greenwich Village anymore, dad.

What is it now?
Punks, druggies...

folk-mopers, cross dressers,
bikers?

- Bankers.
- Bankers?

- Oh, God, has it come to that?
- I'm afraid so.

What a state of affairs.
Bankers?

So, where did you
spend the night?

I ran into a...

- A girl?
- Yes, a girl.

- A pretty girl?
- Yes, a pretty girl.

Oh, Oscar.

It wasn't a... you know...

It wasn't a call girl?

Dad! Of course it wasn't
a call girl.

What's wrong with you?

Kids are crazy these days.

- I bumped into a girl.
- From Chauncey?

Yes, a girl from Chauncey.

Well, what was her name, Oscar?

Her name?

Is it someone
Eve and I should meet?

No! I mean,
there just isn't any point.

Her name's, uh, Miranda Spear,
and she's just some dumb girl...

Hey, have some respect, Oscar.

Maybe this girl's
only fifteen, sixteen.

And maybe right now
her interests...

are different from yours,
but girls have things to say.

They can be funny.

Consider them, Oscar.
Listen to them.

So, I should listen to girls...

like you listen to Eve,
you mean?

Exactly.

[Birds twittering]

[Man singing "She" in French]

[Pop]

[Clink]

[Clears throat]

Oscar.

What a nice surprise.

I brought you lunch.

[i]You're kidding

Ha ha!

Wait. Wait one second.

Wow. Cookies, too.

Yeah. I know you like 'em.

Thank you.

So, what are you working on?

I'm monitoring
the depolarization...

of cardiac myocytes.

Oh. Hmm.

Pericardium...

mitral, aorta...

such beautiful words.

Poetry.

Never thought of it that way.

It's, uh, pretty
complicated business.

No. The heart is simple.

Fixing it is complicated.

So, when you're working on...

whatever it is
you're working on...

I mean...

how do you see the heart
as anything more than a...

- Than a pump?
- Yeah.

I mean, in the end,
it's just an organ, right?

But, symbolically...

Your heart
can fit right in my hand.

The heart is this
incredibly smart machine.

It beats seventy to eighty
times a minute...

and in the space
of each b*at...

sends deoxygenated blood
to your lungs...

and oxygenated blood
to all your organs.

Cut the aorta,
and you'll release...

a jet of blood
that hits the ceiling.

Now, who needs
to use it as a symbol...

when the thing itself
is so magnificent?

- The thing itself.
- Hmm.

Well, as a symbol,
it should be replaced.

The heart's had its day.

Why not the kidney as a symbol
of love, or the liver?

Hmm.
"You broke my liver."

"My liver aches for you"?

Doesn't rhyme as well...

you know, for country songs
and Shakespeare.

Sure it does.

I'm aquiver.

Please deliver.

Deep as a river,
my love, my liver.

[i]I just can't...

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hi.
Oscar's here, visiting.

Yeah.

I know. OK.

Your father says,
"Don't forget...

"we're having dinner tonight."

I haven't forgotten!

He says, "Did you ask
Miranda Spear to join us?"

- Who?
- Miranda...

No. No.
Tonight's family night.

Don't worry about that, Oscar.
I mean, Diane is coming.

Diane?

And Phil.

It sure would be nice
to see Diane and Phil.

Have you met Phil?

I think so.

Well, Phil isn't coming, OK?

Diane likes
to keep her options open.

[i]It's just Diane. Right?
Yeah. I thought so

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, buddy. Come on in.

- Is Diane around?
- She isn't.

[i]Is your back
still bothering you?

Well, come on in.
I'll give you a rub-a-dub.

[i]Thanks. Anyway

I'd rather not trust my back
to a dentist.

The old gal
taught me a few tricks.

Why do you call her "old gal"?

You make her sound
like she's a horse.

Actually,
she's more of a wildcat.

[i]Diane's with the girls
down at Payard

if your back's really that bad.

Hey, you know, buddy, you're
gonna have to learn to relax.

You're gonna be dead
before you reach twenty.

[Car horn honks]

[Piano playing]

[i]MAN: Thank you very much

[i]Here you go

[lndistinct chatter]

No, you didn't.

[Lndistinct]

Is that right?

Diane.

Can I talk to you
for a minute, please?

You must be Oscar.

I'm Samantha.

So, it sounds like you have...

some interesting ideas
about French philosophy.

Yes. Diane was telling us...

that you regard Voltaire
as a comedian.

Well, I think that
when you look at his body...

Excuse me. Diane, can I talk
to you for a minute, please?

In a minute, Oscar.

Oscar, have some tea.

[i]The assertion
that all man's actions

[i]are essentially self-serving

has never been taken
in the spirit it was intended...

which was a quote, a quote.

And that's what Adam Smith
was really saying...

in The Wealth of Nations.

At least,
that's what I've always thought.

- More tea, Oscar?
- Thank you, Abigail.

Now, most people
are going to tell you...

that Quine's belief
in the inherent goodness...

But, Oscar, I don't see how you
can dismiss Mirabeau so easily.

Mirabeau never even
got out of the gate.

Oh, you naughty girl.

- Where did you find him?
- Isn't he lovely?

He's so passionate,
and he really listens.

Do you mind
if I give him my number?

No. Go ahead.

Oscar, I'd love to chat
more with you...

about this sometime
or, um, about anything.

I'm pretty busy
with midterms and all.

Anything, anytime.

- Bye, Oscar.
- Bye, Samantha.

- Bye, Oscar.
- Abigail.

- Bye, Diane.
- Bye, girls.

Well, Oscar,
it was a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure.

[i]You two be good Heh heh

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Diane.
- Mm-hmm.

You didn't, uh, tell anybody...

about what happened last night,
did you?

Does it matter if I had?
You're a grown-up...

or close enough.

Did you?

I didn't say anything definite.

I may have hinted a little.

Hinted? Why do they need hints?
This isn't charades.

What if one of them tells Phil?

- Phil, schmil.
- "Phil, schmil?"

That isn't very nice. That
isn't very sensitive at all.

Oscar, please.
Phil and I are not an item.

Ahem. Excuse me.
There's no smoking.

OK.

Forget about Phil.

Diane, I'd like to ask you...

not to come to dinner tonight.

Not go to Cafe Balou?

Are you kidding?
Your father's paying.

I want to minimize
the likelihood...

of your blabbing to Eve.

Maybe you've already told Eve.

I haven't even seen Eve yet.

Yet?
Do you plan to tell her?

Oscar,
Eve and I grew up together.

Jeez, the stories I could tell
you about Eve when we were .

You wouldn't have
recognized her.

I don't want to hear it.

When we were fifteen,
Eve had this thing for Elvis.

- Elvis Presley?
- Hmm.

Flipped for any guy
in sideburns.

Sideburns? What's so great
about sideburns?

I don't know.

The strangest things
made her happy.

She was always happy back then.

Back then?
Are you saying now she isn't?

No.
That wasn't my intention.

Look. You know what?

Let's just forget it.
I shouldn't have said anything.

No. We can't just forget it.

We're talking about
Eve's happiness here.

I guess I can confide in you.
We're close now, right?

In a manner of speaking.

OK. Ahem.

I don't think Eve is happy.

There's a void.
Something's missing.

What makes you say that?

It's a woman thing.
I sense it. I feel it.

Plus, last week,
she said there was a void...

and something was missing.

Did she say what?

Couldn't put her finger on it.

I wouldn't worry about it.
She'll get over it.

[i]CHARLIE:
So. Who is this girl?

A friend of the family's.

You gonna see each other again?

Tonight. But her best friend's
gonna be there.

Well, is the friend cute?

I wouldn't call her cute,
exactly.

I mean, would I like her?

Well, you know,
I slept with her last night.

With the friend?

Damn!

[i]Yeah. With the friend

But you don't like the friend.

Not really. Not like that.

But you're going to dinner
with both of them...

the woman you like
and the woman you slept with?

Yeah.
My dad's coming, too.

Nothing's simple
for the Grubber.

Talk to me, Oscar.

What's going on here?

I don't know, Charlie.

I found her.

The girl with the great hands.

Terrific hands.

Are you gonna tell me her name?

Eve.

Eve... like your mother.

Eve's not my mother.
She's my stepmother.

We're not blood relatives
at all.

Wait. So, your Eve is that Eve?
Your mother?

She's very wise...

and soft.

Are you out of your mind?

Do you want to end up in hell
or something?

Charlie, I love her.

Oscar,
Eve is married to your father.

I know, but I sense there's
a void there... something missing.

She needs something more
in her life.

Oh, and that would be you...
her stepson.

I mean, hey, I know you're
French, and you have, like...

a different idea
of family relations, but...

Wait.
This means you slept with Diane.

I realize that was a mistake.
She was wearing Eve's scarf.

It smelled of her perfume.
I got confused.

Uh... I mean...

Diane's pretty hot...
for that age group.

These look fake.

You really f*cked up.

Charlie, help me.
I need sideburns.

Well... all right.
Let me think.

[Dog barks, whines]

[Dog barks]

[Humming]

[i]STANLEY: I know
we've talked about it

[i]just being the two of us

[i]but the Shermans love
Beethoven. As it turns out

[i]Is it all right with you
if they come with us?

[i]Honey? Did you hear me?

[i]EVE: Sure Fine

[i]STANLEY: Norm knows the Galea
like the back of his hand

[i]He'll be humming along.
Like he did with Carmen

[i]Remember that?

[i]STANLEY. LOUDLY:
Eve. have you seen my tie?

[i]Honey?

[i]Honey. I want the tie

[i]the Shermans
gave me for Christmas

[Doorbell buzzes]

- Hi.
- Hi.

You look nice.

You look, uh, different.

Worse or better?

Very handsome.

You're making me nervous.

Relax.
I'll be very good tonight.

Just don't let me drink.

[Sighs]

He looks over at me,
and he goes...

"You know,
you have really beautiful eyes."

I go, "Yeah, I know that."

But, you know,
we're in a movie theater.

There's no way he could see
my eyes. It's dark.

So, he goes, "You know what's
wrong with the modern woman?

"They're acutely sensitive."

So, Oscar,
are you happy at Chauncey?

You already asked me that, dad.

I did?
And what did you say?

I said it was OK.

Sometimes
you don't listen so good.

So well. Listen so well.

See, you correct,
or you add facts...

or you give
your own little anecdotes...

but you don't really
absorb the reason...

the person is saying
the thing that she is.

- She?
- Me, I mean.

The reason
I'm telling you something.

Hmm, that's interesting.

- And silence, dad.
- Silence?

Listen to what it tells you.

Sometimes it's peaceful,
sometimes it's a shrill scream.

[Classical music playing]

Honey, this is Bob Spear.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

This is my daughter Miranda.

Oh, how's Chauncey
treating you, Miranda?

[i]MIRANDA: Good

- Have a nice holiday.
- You, too.

[i]BOB SPEAR:
Nice to meet you

[i]STANLEY: Hello
I'm Stanley Grubman

Oscar's father.

- Oscar Grubman?
- He's here.

[i]STANLEY:
This is such a coincidence

[i]We were just talking about you
today... about. Uh...

Dad! Dad!

I was just
meeting your friend here.

And if you don't mind
my saying so...

she is a little firecracker.

[i]OSCAR:
I think Eve wants to see you

She has to give you a pill
or something.

What pill?

For your condition.

For my cholesterol?

Yes. Yes. Your cholesterol.

I'm sorry.
He gets a little confused.

- How are you, Oscar?
- Uh, fine.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What are you two talking about?

Colorado.

- What's this about pills?
- He's never been to Colorado.

Oscar,
you're acting very strangely.

What pills?

Bon soir. Would you like
to take something to drink?

May we see a wine list, please?

In fact, forget the wine.

Nobody wants it.

WAITER:
What's this? No wine?

Pardon?

The boy, he says you are
not in the mood for wine.

Oscar...

Oscar

I'm in the mood.

Me too.

Shouldn't we take a break
once in a while?

I mean, what are we, dependant?

We can't have a good time
without alcohol?

Oscar, you're making it sound
as if we have a problem.

Fine.

Wine list, please.

[Cork pops]

STANLEY: But why Portugal?
When people go to Portugal

I always think
all the hotel rooms in Spain

must have been booked

EVE: See. To me.
Portugal is the one

that's always held
the eternal mystery

Oh...

none for me, thanks.

[Oscar ordering in French]

And what do you want, Diane?

[Wine pours]

OSCAR: Peter says I may have
a sh*t at the English prize...

if I read Beowulf properly.

That is, taking into account
the times...

instead of reading it
with a contemporary slant.

You can't discount history,
Oscar.

No, you can't.

You can't discount it at all.

[Wine pours]

STANLEY:
The sales representative...

this twenty-five-year-old kid
who's talking to me

about book jackets
for four hours

I went cross-eyed

[i]Diane: How many pages
you got there. Stanley?

[i]Stanley:
Well. I have about

How are you?

I'm good.

No. How are you?

I'm good, Oscar.

It's good to see you.

You, too.

Are you sure you don't have
a girlfriend at Chauncey?

I would think
they'd be lining up.

Eve... l've been thinking
about maybe going premed.

Maybe Columbia.

I'd be in the city,
we could meet...

to go over my homework...
I mean, if you'd be willing.

Well, I'd love to, Oscar,
but you love literature.

You're fluent in French.
You should be a scholar.

A lot of medicine's
in Latin, right?

So, I figure, French, Latin...

I'm not doing so badly
in biology.

I mean,
I know what an isotope is.

But if you went premed...

you couldn't get caught up in
the poetry of the pericardium.

I would get caught up
in the poetry...

of the thing itself,
like you do.

[i]EVE:
Don't quote me back to myself

Is the world really waiting
for another academic?

[i]STANLEY: A new subject
Something I am passionate

Diane?

[i]Diane. Would you
pass the bread. Please?

[i]Ahem

Thank you.

Are you coming down
with something?

I'm fine.

Are we still playing tennis
tomorrow?

Oh, is that tomorrow, tennis?

Don't you think
you've had enough?

[i]STANLEY: Look at some
first editions he just bought

He suspects he's been swindled.

Must you be so uptight...

I'm not saying anything.

You're making me nervous.

OK. Maybe you could go
to Norm's in the afternoon.

[i]STANLEY: I could
I could go in the afternoon

Get your foot
out of my crotch, please.

Get your foot
out of my crotch, please.

The thing is, I hate tennis.

I have the court booked.

I'll play tennis with you, Eve.
I love tennis.

Yes, Oscar's a wonderful sport.

There you go.
Oscar'll play with you.

- You will? You don't mind?
- Not at all.

Oscar is very gallant.

[Whispering]
Oscar has a new girlfriend.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

It seems last evening...

he had quite
the late night conversation.

Oh, tell us about it.

Diane,
wine is bad for your heart.

I thought wine
was good for your heart.

It is, in moderation.

So, who is this girl, Oscar?

She's quite a little number,
by the looks of her.

I thought the girls at Chauncey
hadn't lived enough.

Can we change the subject,
please?

[i]Well. If we're going
to change the subject

I'm going to excuse myself
for the ladies room.

Excuse me.

I think that's why
he's acting so strangely.

What the hell are you doing?

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?

You're drinking.
You're making these jokes.

You have your foot
in my crotch...

- Loosen up.
- Loosen up?

I asked you
not to let them know.

[Chuckles]

[Chokes, coughs] Oh, my!

EVE: [i]What is it?

Something very unusual.

[Whispering]
No one knows anything.

EVE:
What is that on your face?

What?

Oh! Aah! Ow!

Do you two have something
you'd like to share with us?

What?

Oh, God.

What's going on?

Well?

OK, I think what
we're talking about here...

is Prufigger's
theory of distortion...

which states that
prismatic effect of a body...

reflected on a plane
at a certain angle...

Stanley, what is it?

An illusion...

[i]Oh. What the hell
We're all adults here

No, actually, we're not.

Eve...

- Oscar and l...
- Both speak French.

[i]Oscar and I are lovers

What?

What? Are you drunk?

Oscar, just relax.
I saw them in the mirror.

I just hope Miranda Spear
didn't see it, too.

Dad, there is no Miranda Spear.

There is no Mir...
What are you talking about?

I just shook hands
with her father.

[i]EVE: When did this happen?
Last night?

Mm-hmm.

Stanley...

Of course, you know,
it's not that uncommon.

In ancient Rome,
fifty-year-old men...

would marry
fourteen-year-old girls.

This is not ancient Rome.

I am nowhere near fifty!

Well, it is all very
The Graduate.

Except that Oscar
hasn't graduated.

[Thunder]

There.

Thanks.

So, you coming to bed soon?

Uh, in a while. I just have
to finish these chapter notes.

Good night, sweetheart.

[i]DIANE: I just don't see
why you're so upset

I'm entrusted with his welfare,
Diane.

I mean, can you imagine
if Oscar's mother found out?

She's French, isn't she?

They're not all like that, OK?

You're taking advantage of him.

Oh, bullshit, Eve.

Oscar's a smart kid.

Now, there are
some forty-year-old men...

of whom I am taking advantage.

Am I overreacting?
He's fifteen!

Well, you and I were hardly
innocent when we were fifteen.

Who went to the Jefferson
Airplane concert...

and pulled down
their tube top and...

That's different, OK?

[Laughs]
All right, that's different.

I know why you're upset.

You're upset because you know
that deep down inside...

if our situations
were reversed...

you would have done
the exact same thing.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- You would have.

With a fifteen-year-old?
Not on your life.

Not just a fifteen-year-old.

A smart, sweet,
passionate person.

You're not the only one
with something missing.

Samantha Steadman
gave Oscar her phone number.

And you let her?

He can take care of himself.

I'm not his mother.
Neither are you.

What is wrong
with your friends?

- Nothing.
- Jesus.

And if you hadn't met somebody
in a really long time...

who was very excited
about life...

you would consider
a fifteen-year-old.

[i]EVE: Love-thirty

Or, zero-thirty.

[i]As if you know what love means

Comes from
the French word for egg.

[i]L'oeuf

Eve...

I know how it must look.

I understand how misled
you must feel.

[i]I spoke of poetic thoughts

[i]of love and livers

merely hours after having
cheap, meaningless...

sexual intercourse
with your best friend.

No.

That's fifteen-thirty, right?

Serve!

Eve...

sometimes
the natural call of man...

is just too strong to...
No. Ugh.

So that's fifteen-forty, right?

A ratio
you seem particularly fond of.

And, yes, Eve,
true passion does still exist...

and I know this...

because I'm a man
who feels true passion.

[Sighs]

I think you'll be fine.

[i]CHARLIE:
If you're gonna mess with

[i]the stuff of
Greek tragedies. Oscar

you're gonna have to be
prepared for the fallout.

Charlie, help me.

OK, let's look
at this rationally.

If you had met Eve
in, say, a coffee shop...

would you still be
attracted to her?

I mean, it's not just 'cause
she's your mother, is it?

She's not my mother.
Stop saying that.

[Dog barking]

OK, look,
maybe it's not your fault.

[i]Since your father's been
married to another woman

in the eyes of the church,
he's a polygamist.

So maybe you're just
genetically predisposed...

that is, programmed
to repeat the mistakes...

or sins of your biological...

Shut up, Charlie.

[Knock on door]

You kids having fun?

Do you want some cookies
or anything?

No, ma, we're fine.

My, Oscar, I can't believe
how big you've gotten.

Yeah, I guess
I hit quite a spurt there.

All right, yeah, uh...

All right, ma, thanks.
And I'll, uh, see you later.

Stick to your own mom,
will you?

Hey, Jimmy.

What's on your mind, Tadpole?

Nobody calls me that anymore,
Jimmy.

What do they call you now?

Stupid.

Everything's messed up.

Well, what's the trouble,
Tadp... uh, Stupid?

Women, I guess.

[i]Not girls?

No, they're definitely women.

No women...

no cry.

Thanks for that, Jimmy.

I made you a sandwich.

Thanks.

[i]Grilled cheese... my favorite

[i]EVE: I know

Good thing it's something
I can actually cook.

Dad always burns them.

He won't use teflon.

Well, he's a traditionalist.

These, uh, teflon make
replacement heart valves, right?

You know way too much
for a fifteen-year-old.

Nothing worth knowing.

That's not true, Oscar...
plenty worth knowing.

You know...

with Diane...

Oscar, I've already decided
it's really none of my business.

You are old enough
to make your own decisions.

I want to explain.

With Diane, well...

it was teflon sex.

Pardon me?

She was doing this thing
to my back... pressing.

And I was drunk,
she's a chiropractor...

- that kind of thing.
- That kind of thing.

Hormones racing out of control
or pheromones.

I'm not that kind of a person.

You told me once
that it could be years...

before anyone
really understood...

what the hell
I was talking about...

but that the day would come...

when everyone caught up to me.

And while I knew that maybe
you were just being kind...

I knew one thing.

That I love...

things.

- And, and, uh...
- It's OK.

And there was Diane...

and she was...

wearing your scarf.

I better do the dishes.

[Water running]

[Turns off water]

[Door shuts]

Well, I lost big-time.

Look at you.
You're a good boy, Oscar.

Where's Eve?

How should I know?

[i]In bed. Probably

Probably.

That Professor Tisch,
I think he's a cheat.

I bet he palms
off the bottom of the deck.

[i]Oscar. have you noticed

anything different about Eve
this weekend?

Different? Like what?

I don't know,
for the last few months...

she's been going to bed
earlier.

Maybe she's just tired, or...

Or what?

I don't know what.

Maybe I'm missing something.

I thought about
what you said last night.

Maybe I haven't been
listening too well.

Then again, maybe
I'm just imagining things.

[Music playing]

[i]Tom. Get your plane
right on time

[i]I know
your part'll go fine

[i]Fly down to Mexico

[i]Do-n-do-n-do-n-do
and here I am

[i]The only living boy
in New York

[i]I get the news I need
on the weather report

[i]I can gather all the news
I need on the weather report

[i]Hey. I got nothing to do
today but smile

[i]Do-n-do-n-do-n-do
and here I am

[i]The only living boy
in New York

[i]Half of the time we're gone.
But we don't know where

[i]And we don't know when

[i]Ahh

[Music fades]

I'll get your ticket.
I'll be right back.

You have a loose button.

I'd sew it for you,
but I don't sew.

I know.

I'm not a very good mother...
step-mother.

Who says they have
to cook and sew?

Anyway,
you know how to monitor...

cardiac myocytes...
that's enough.

How's your liver?

Hurts.

Broken?

No.

I love your father very much.

Me, too.

So, see you back here
in about three weeks?

[Footsteps]

[i]You two look very serious

We're talking about Christmas.

Oscar's going to his mother's
in France.

He is?

We're going to Portugal,
just the two of us.

- We are?
- Lf you want.

Hey.

Bye, sweetie.

Here.

Thanks, Oscar.

You're welcome.

See you at school.

OK.

"If we don't find
anything pleasant...

"at least we shall find
something new."

What's that?

Voltaire.

Oh, right.

See you at school.

She is so hot for you.

She smells nice.

She what?

[i]Still don't know
what I was waiting for

[i]And my time
was running wild

So, what happened with Eve?

[i]Every time
I thought I'd got it made

Come on, talk to me, Grubber.

[i]So I turned myself
to face me

Well, it wasn't as important
as I thought it was.

[i]Of how the others
must see the faker

[i]I'm much too fast
to take that test

[i]Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Turn and face the strain

[i]Ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Don't want to be
a richer man

[i]Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Turn and face the strain

[i]Ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Just gonna have to be
a different man

[i]Time may change me

[i]But I can't trace time

[i]Ooh. Yeah

[i]I watch the ripples
change their size

[i]But never leave the stream
of warm impermanence

[i]And so the days
float through my eyes

[i]But still the days
seem the same

[i]And these children
that you spit on

[i]As they try
to change their worlds

[i]Are immune
to your consultations

[i]They're quite aware
of what they're going through

[i]Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Turn and face the strain

[i]Ch-ch-changes

[i]Don't tell them
to grow up and out of it

[i]Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Turn and face the strain

[i]Ch-ch-changes

[i]Where's your shame?

[i]You've left us
up to our necks in it

[i]Time may change me

[i]But you can't trace time

[i]Strange fascination.
Fascinating me

[i]Aw. Changes are taking
the pace I'm going through

[i]Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Turn and face the strain

[i]Ch-ch-changes

[i]Ooh. Iook out
you rock 'n rollers

[i]Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

[i]Turn and face the strain

[i]Ch-ch-changes

[i]Pretty soon now you're
gonna get a little older

[i]Time may change me

[i]But I can't trace time

[i]I said that
time may change me

[i]But I can't trace time

[Song fades out]

["Couche-moi" begins]

[Adam Cohen singing
in French]

[Song ends]

[Music playing]