♪
(alarm beeping)
(birds chirping)
♪
Hey, sweetheart!
Hey!
Time to get up.
(murmuring)
Come on.
It's so nice under here.
Come on, babe,
it's Christmas.
No, it's not.
I just want
more minutes.
I put the coffee on.
You're one of the good ones.
Come on, we've got
a whole day ahead.
Why don't you want
to sleep more?
I hate sleeping.
It's like practicing
for death.
-That's terrible.
-Sorry, it just
fell outta my head.
Be back in five minutes
with the coffee?
Thank you.
Still you like your coffee
how you like me?
Hot, black, and...
half a Splenda?
Always.
♪
(birds chirping)
No, no, no, no,
I can't.
I can't stop by.
Uh, we actually stay
at my mom's house
the night before,
you know.
It's just kinda
like tradition.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, well, I mean,
that's pretty good.
I mean, I don't know--
But I'll be free Friday
and it sounds like fun.
I mean, do you think
Ellen could come along?
Ha! Shut up, no.
No, no, no, no,
it's not like that.
She's just been
crashing with me
and I wanna introduce her
to cool people I know
and you too, I guess.
(laughing)
Yeah, but she just went through
a bad breakup
and it was really messy
and a big bowl of dumb,
um, but, you know,
I'm proud of her.
You know, stickin' up
for herself and everything, so.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, hey,
listen.
I gotta go
'cause I'm making eggs,
and I don't have
one of those headsets,
because they make you
look like a douche, so, uh...
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Well, I'll talk to you
later then.
Okay, bye.
(sighing)
Morning, kiddo.
(yawning)
Good morning.
Did you sleep okay out here?
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
You lucked out.
Because I'm pretty sure
my last couch
my ex-girlfriend bought
at a Guantanamo Bay garage sale,
so...
Well, I don't see
any anti-t*rror1st measures
built into this one.
So, uh, did you end up
shutting your phone off?
Yeah, yeah,
that was a good call.
I think even on vibrate
it still probably woulda
woken me up.
Yep.
Well, you know, today, just...
push it outta your mind,
you know?
♪
Are you sure it's okay
if I tag along
to your whole holiday?
Do you want to be alone?
No.
Okay! Then you're invited.
Come on--
breakfast, eggs.
Actually, I'm allergic
to eggs.
Oh...um--
Psych!
♪
d*ck!
(laughing)
♪
Okay.
Why did Jesus get crucified?
To get to the other side?
♪
To get to the other side.
To get to the other side!
To get to...
the other side.
To get to the other side!
Eh? Eh?
So, one guy
walks into the bar.
The second guy walks in,
he has AIDS.
AIDS!
(laughing)
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks
at the horse, says,
"I can't stand Jews."
Jews!
(laughing)
Get it? Like, the Jewish.
Eh? Eh?
Please come back to bed.
♪
(sighing)
Hmph.
(knocking)
(repeated knocking)
♪
Can I help you?
Yeah, you can help me.
You can help everyone!
By learning how to park
your f*cking car!
Am I--am I out of the line
or crooked or something?
You're faced nose out,
you entitled little sh*t.
You think you can park
any way you want, assh*le?
♪
Is this what you want?
I'm ready.
Do a froggy and leap, bitch.
What's wrong?
Oh, you didn't understand?
I'm sorry--your f*cking car
is parked the wrong
f*cking way!
I don't think
you're this angry
about the way
I parked my car.
Just tell me
what's wrong.
What pisses me off
is smug assholes like you
that think you can do
whatever the f*ck you want
and sh*t on those of us
who actually follow the rules.
There's no way
you are this angry
about the car--I mean,
there's no way you went
from to about this.
I feel like you were just
going around about .
Something's really
gettin' to you.
Just--just talk to me, man.
♪
My boss is a d*ck, okay?
Oh, God, I hate to hear that,
that sucks.
He's over my shoulder
every day,
tearin' down every bit
of work I've ever done,
second-guessing every
decision I've ever made.
I gotta take all that sh*t,
bottle that up...
take it home...
and take it out
on my wife, okay?
That's not fair
for either one of you.
(distant traffic roaring)
I love her, man.
I really do.
I give her tons of sh*t
every day.
You know what
she gives me?
A smile.
She always finds a way
to give me a smile.
I feel like the only thing
I give to her is
the strength to...
breathe occasionally.
God, that sounds--
that sounds tough.
Have you tried
to talk to her about this?
No.
-No, I feel--
-Embarrassed?
Yeah.
Worthless.
I'm a grown man,
you know?
Should be able to handle
myself better than this.
Be better, you know?
Sometimes, we all need
a little bit of help, man,
I mean, it's--
life is tough, and, you know,
everyone needs someone
to talk to and hold on to.
I really feel like
she's that person for you.
I feel like you should
go home and talk to her.
You know what, man?
I think I'm gonna go home,
call the office,
piece-of-sh*t work.
Just be with my wife,
you know?
That sounds like
a really good plan.
Thanks, man,
I really appreciate it.
Yeah, no problem.
Seriously. Good luck.
It really is
city ordinance, though, man.
You can't park nose out
in this lot.
Oh, yeah, I'll make
a note of it--thanks!
Appreciate it.
Have a good one.
Good luck!
I'm sorry I'm late.
(huffing)
(coughing and laughing)
Oh my God!
I thought huffing
a whole can of Raid
would k*ll me!
I see spiders
everywhere, man.
Are you okay?
Oh...mm, man.
After something like that...
every day's a gift.
(lighter clicking)
(birds singing)
Look, I needed
to talk to you.
I don't want you to talk.
I want you to pay.
I--I don't have
the money right now.
So you made a bet
without the money
to pay it.
I was feelin' lucky.
The Atlanta Hawks
are never lucky.
Do you know what I was
gonna do with that money?
No.
I was gonna buy her
an engagement ring.
I was gonna make her
an honest woman.
We were gonna start fresh
together.
Oh...I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
(hysterical laughing)
I don't know
who this woman is, man.
I'm gonna spend it on dr*gs!
Think, McFly, think!
Jesus Christ, did you see
what I did there?
Uh...Friday.
I can get it to you Friday?
You're making a bad choice.
You're choosing to be
a real piece of sh*t.
You know what happens
to pieces of sh*t in this house?
They get flushed
down the toilet.
We don't negotiate
with sh*t.
No, I'm completely serious.
Uh, I can have it
to you Friday,
when I get back
from my family's dinner.
♪
You know,
Tony owed.
Do you know
what happened to Tony?
No.
Got his d*ck cut off.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Man, I didn't cut
somebody's d*ck off!
What kind of person
do you think I am?
Oh my God!
That'd be f*cking gay.
We hit him
in front of his family.
So, are you gonna
give me my money,
or am I gonna flush
that bald head of yours
down the toilet?
No, I--I can have it
to you Friday,
uh, with an extra grand
for interest.
So, Friday,
you're gonna give me
all of the money
plus a thousand dollars
to say you're sorry?
Y-yes, sir.
You know...
I didn't get
into drug dealing
or illegal betting
for the money.
It's about the people.
Get the f*ck outta my house!
♪
Tobey, I want you
to make sure
that son of a bitch pays.
I want it PDQ!
What?
As soon as possible!
All right.
Now, go and keep an eye
on him.
Sure.
Can I get a little
for the road?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
road cr*ck, yeah.
♪
(thudding)
You didn't even try
to catch it.
♪
America, man.
♪
(deeply inhaling, exhaling)
How much longer
until it's ready
to come out of the oven?
Patience, sweetheart.
Anticipation is
the best part.
Are you ready
for the list?
Hit me.
"Green bean casserole."
Check.
"Dumplings."
Triple check.
"Cornbread pudding."
Quadruple check.
The turkey's in the oven,
more sides are on the way.
Affirmative.
You're so organized.
You're a proper
Air Force brat.
Efficiency is in my blood.
You really are something.
-Permission to hug?
-Granted.
♪
(sighing)
(doorbell ringing)
Hm.
(clearing throat)
-Hey, sis!
-Hey!
-It's good to see ya.
-Oh, it's so good to see you!
And you are?
Nice to meet you,
I'm Ellen.
Oh, I'm Tina. Welcome.
The more, the merrier.
Yeah, this is my friend.
I just invited her along, so.
Oh, a new "friend," huh?
Yes, this is...my friend.
You don't have to use
those cagey terms with us.
Now, gimme your dish.
No--no, no, no, no.
We're not dating.
This really is
just my friend.
We all know
you're a lesbonian
and we love you
just the same.
We're so glad
to have you here.
Now, follow me.
Well, that's a thing.
"Lesbonian"?
Uh...yeah.
When I came out to her,
I was so nervous,
I pronounced it wrong.
And I haven't had
the heart to correct her.
She's sheltered.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm leaving now, yeah.
I'm gettin' ready
to hit the road.
It's no big deal,
I'm just gonna
hop on the interstate,
I'll go--I'll go over there,
we'll do the family thing,
and then I'll just
get in the car and be back--
I'll just drive back
Sunday night.
It'll be fine.
I'm a pro, man,
I'll put my game face on.
I'll be there Monday morning
ready to rock.
Don't worry about it.
No, I'm not talking to you
while I'm driving.
What do you think I am,
some kind of amateur?
Man, come on, you know me,
I'm safety first, you know.
Okay, yeah.
It's already in the spreadsheet,
I'll double-check it.
It's--all right, it's cool,
we got this.
I'll see you Monday, yeah.
Okay.
♪
Happy Thanksgiving
to you too.
See you Monday.
All right, bye.
♪
Christ.
Eighteen hours to go
and I already have to pee?
Phew.
Feelin' like
some kind of amateur over here.
♪
(unzipping)
(urinating)
(sighing with relief)
Oh, God, yeah.
(urination continues)
♪
(still urinating)
♪
Mm!
Oh, God.
That was close.
(urinal flushing)
Phew.
Whoo!
♪
Yeah.
I'm not so sure
I can hold.
I've been on hold
for minutes already
and I--no.
No! Argh!
Excuse me,
is everything okay?
Not exactly.
My car no longer has
the will to live.
And I've been on hold
for forever and a day
trying to get a tow.
Well, I could take
a look at it, if you'd like.
Sure. Why not?
I'm Nancy, by the way.
Terry.
♪
Well...
the engine's still there.
Um...
other than that,
I'm not exactly sure.
I, um, am really
not that much of a car guy.
Uh...
if the coolant had been low,
I could refill that,
but that's pretty much it.
Thanks anyway.
I really hate
to see you stranded.
If you want,
I can, you know,
I can give you
a lift somewhere.
♪
Well, I do need
to get to Exit ,
if it wouldn't
put you out too bad.
No, actually,
it's right on my way.
That'd be great.
Cool.
(crunching)
♪
Hi, I'm Ellen.
Mm--hi, I'm Liam.
I'm Renee's uncle.
Oh, no, but you see,
he's so much more than that.
You see, he's also
unemployable,
has had a vicious
back-and-forth cycle
with Christianity
and alcoholism, respectively,
and to top it all off,
he was the first in his class
to tap out my mother's savings
before she d*ed.
Good job!
I--oh.
And we also all
inherited the house,
and Tina has
taken it upon herself
to inherit
filling his pockets
every time he shows up
at her doorstep.
If you can't get help
from family,
then what good are we?
T., there's a difference
between being helpful
and being an ATM
with a pulse.
I--I'm gonna go
make my bed.
There's fresh linens
waiting for you.
Nah.
♪
I don't feel good
about what I just did,
but I'm not mad
that it happened.
He tries his best.
He works for movers
two days a week,
and he goes on interviews
all the time.
You know, if you saw him
more than twice a year,
you might have
a kinder view of him.
So you're not gonna tell me
that your savings are empty
because of him?
It's not polite
to discuss finances.
Ellen! Do you like stuffing?
I like all the stuffing!
Excellent. Come be
my taste-tester.
Yeah.
♪
(sighing)
First Thanksgiving
with the family.
It's a pretty big step.
I've spent three Christmases
with all of you.
Yeah, but it's different.
There's--there's turkey.
There's turkey
at Christmas, too.
It's not the same turkey,
you know?
I can't explain myself.
So, how many people come?
Oh, there's lots--
cousins, in-laws.
Think everyone shows up
'cause my sister's stuffing
tastes just like my mom's:
perfect.
That sounds really nice.
Oh, it is.
And once all
the extended family leaves,
we watch "Planes, Trains
& Automobiles."
I've never seen it.
Never seen it?
How did you
get past security?
I slipped past
when no one was looking.
You are a sneaky woman.
♪
Uh, I should be ready
in about minutes?
The yams.
I hate yams.
Did you just say
what I think you just said?
I...I just don't like them.
Have you tried them
with butter and brown sugar?
No.
Oh, so you haven't had them.
I just don't like them.
I think I'll get
a bite from downstairs.
I just brushed my teeth.
Well, tomorrow,
you are trying them.
(deep sigh)
♪
So...
boxers or briefs?
Excuse me?
What kind of panties
are you rockin'?
Boxers or
tighty-whities?
I--I don't understand the--
It's not a difficult question.
It doesn't require much thought.
Boxer-briefs, actually.
You see?
What I did there
was break the ice.
Now you're more relaxed
and I know I am.
♪
How does that make us
more relaxed?
Well, you had to go
out of your comfort zone,
and now I'm picturing you
in your underwear.
Accurately.
So where are you heading?
Home, for the holiday.
Well, obviously.
Indianapolis.
There's a Greyhound
at Exit .
Hopefully, I can make it home
just a little late for dinner.
(chuckling)
Is that funny?
I'm going to Dayton.
-Ohio?
-Yeah!
Indianapolis is literally
on the way, I mean...
♪
I could take you the rest
of the way, if you want.
That offer, sir,
is a little creepy.
I told you where
I was from first.
So this could be
some kind of scheme
for some kind
of m*rder-r*pe.
Yeah, I guess I can see
where you're comin' from.
A woman traveling alone.
She can't be too careful.
Answer these questions.
Okay.
Favorite food.
Thai.
♪
Favorite band?
It was Warren Zevon.
Favorite movie.
Um...probably--oh, "The Texas
Chainsaw...m*ssacre."
Ooh!
Yeah, I guess that
doesn't sound all that great
in this context, huh?
Favorite writer.
R.L. Stine.
The "Goosebumps" guy?
Yeah, he wrote
the "Goosebumps," but,
but I'm more into
like his earlier stuff,
like "Fear Street."
Sir.
I would be delighted
to join you on your trip
across America's heartland.
Happy to help.
♪
The Pokey Little Puppy!
It's so cute, Sis!
I like this shirt--
you leave my shirt alone!
Hey, hey!
-Hey!
-Hey!
-How's it goin'?
-Come here, little bro.
-Mwah!
-Oh, gross.
-Hey, assh*le.
-Hey, hey.
How are you?
-I'm doin' fine.
-Good.
Ooh, where's your lady friend?
Oh, she went upstairs--
apparently,
the bellhop service
here stinks.
Aww.
Hey, buddy!
Dad's here?
Dad's here.
-Hey, Dad.
-Come here.
Um, this is
my girlfriend, Sharon.
Hi! It's nice to meet you.
(in mocking voice)
"Hi! It's nice to meet you."
Really?
D'ja see the game on TV?
So, we're pretending
to watch sports now?
Anything for the family.
(sighing)
(farting)
♪
(water running)
♪
(farting)
(knocking on door)
Um...occupied!
I'll be out in a second.
(muffled scraping)
I'm in here!
(farting)
(knocking)
Oh my God.
♪
Argh!
(screaming)
(chuckling)
Oh my God,
that was perfect.
Hi, I'm Rich,
Renee's brother.
It's, uh,
it's nice to--
Oh my God,
did you forget to wipe?
None of your business!
(laughing)
It was nice meeting you.
So, what is she,
like, ?
Is she, like,
an Air Force buddy's
great-granddaughter?
I just can't believe
he would bring her
into our mother's house
like this.
Well, not to be a d*ck,
but I don't think
she's gonna mind.
That is not funny.
Oh, come on, T.,
I'm not trying to be funny.
He has his own life to live.
And yes, she probably is
younger than me--
which is gross--
but wouldn't it be great
if he was happy or something?
Yeah, I'm sure he's positively
glowing about this.
I just think
it's in poor taste.
(panting)
I just met your brother Rich.
He's right on time.
♪
Well, I'd say
we're about on par
with every other holiday
so far.
Try to relax.
That's what holidays are for.
But how would you feel
if your dad showed up
with a girlfriend
who's five years younger
than you are?
I know it's weird,
but is it really
that big of a deal?
Is he happy with her?
Probably, but--
what, is he trying to start
a new family with her?
She's got childbearing
years ahead of her.
What's he trying,
to start over,
do it right this time?
Okay, stop it.
He didn't say that
to you, did he?
He brought her here.
Clearly, he wants her
to be part of your family.
Kinda like how
I want you to be here?
Yeah.
♪
You're good,
you know that?
Good at what?
Seeing the other side
and showing it to me.
I do what I can.
I love you.
I love you too.
That being said,
my brother can f*ck himself.
I'm not even gonna try
to touch the stuff
between you two.
Just wanna shove his iPhone
up his iButt.
(laughing)
That's why I love you.
I don't think
anyone in the world
would laugh at that.
I just like butts.
♪
I haven't been home
in about a year.
I've just been
really busy.
You know,
that stupid busy
that keeps you from thinking
about the important things.
Yeah, I know that busy.
When my car broke down,
I really thought my chance
to make it home had passed.
All I could think about
was my mom's cooking
and a houseful of cousins.
I basically turned
into a Hallmark card.
Well, it worked out,
didn't it?
Yeah.
Although now, I kinda feel
like John Candy
in "Planes, Trains
& Automobiles."
(laughing)
I love that movie.
But I don't think
you're nearly as pathetic.
Thank you.
Now can I sell you
some shower curtain rings?
(laughing)
♪
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Look.
We've easily got hours
in the car left together, so...
My mom loved
"Planes, Trains."
She--she d*ed about
eight years ago.
I'm so sorry.
Every Thanksgiving
after dinner,
she'd have us all
plop down on the couch
when we were on the verge
of a turkey coma,
and she would make us all
sit there and watch it,
every year,
no exceptions.
That sounds like
a nice tradition.
Do you all keep it?
Honestly,
I don't know.
I haven't actually
been back to Thanksgiving
since she passed.
Why not?
When I was ,
my dad just disappeared.
I mean, he just left.
He left my mom to handle
me and my brothers and sisters.
She did an amazing job.
I mean,
that woman is my hero.
I--She worked two jobs
to put herself through school.
She got a better job.
She found all these
new opportunities.
She was just relentless.
-She sounds amazing.
-She was.
I mean...
she bought this
beautiful big house.
She was the brightest person
you'd ever meet.
When she got sick,
it didn't matter
how good her insurance was
or what specialists
we could find.
I'm so sorry.
My family's wonderful--
I mean,
me and my brothers
and sisters,
we all pulled in together.
Tina basically
just stepped in
where Mom left off.
I mean...
she has so much Mom in her.
So why don't you want
to see them?
I do wanna see them,
and I do--
I come home for Christmas
every year.
Then why not Thanksgiving?
The first Thanksgiving
after Mom passed,
we all got together,
like every year,
and sat down to dinner.
Then all of a sudden,
there's this knock on the door.
It was my dad.
He'd just found out,
and he wanted
to be there for us.
That's great that he
cared enough to come.
When he walked
through that door
and I saw his face,
it was so painful.
My younger brothers
and sisters,
they weren't old enough
to remember
all the pain and trouble
he caused.
Of course, Tina did,
but she's a diplomat.
When I saw him, though,
I just stood up
and I just walked out.
I got into the car and I just
drove back to Albuquerque.
I left my luggage,
my coat.
I just went home.
What happened after that?
He tried to call me,
but I don't wanna listen
to anything he has to say.
Then he started
trying to become a part
of everyone's life again.
He shows up every Thanksgiving.
He spends Christmas
with his family in Rhode Island.
So I come back home
for a couple days
around Christmas.
♪
Well, I hate to ask this,
but...
why are you driving
all the way home right now?
Every year,
I want to be there.
Every year,
I pack the car
and I make the drive.
But when I pull up and I see
Dad's car out front
and I realize
that he's inside
and Mom never will be again,
I just can't handle it, I just
drive on and find a hotel
and then I just
go back home in the morning.
That may be the saddest thing
that I've ever heard.
Thanks.
I just don't really
know what to say.
It's all right.
You don't have
to say anything.
I kind of feel
like I should be
making jokes
about the Holocaust
or dead babies.
Thanks, but I'm all right.
All right, suit yourself.
But I'll keep one
in the chamber--
(mimics g*n cocking)
--just in case.
♪
Hey, I wanted to thank you
for such a great video earlier.
What?
Oh, that prank I pulled,
it wasn't to be
an ass or something.
It's what I do.
I make videos for online.
You mean, people are
actually going to see it?
Oh, thousands already have.
We're at , right now.
Get away from me.
Understood.
But if you wanna
see the video,
it's at
prankgirlforgetstowipelol.
(sighing)
Hey.
Are you havin' a good time?
Sure.
Uh-oh.
All right, scoot over.
♪
What happened?
-Come on.
-He's relentless.
Yeah, well, I hate to say it,
but it takes two.
So why are you feeding him
by responding?
I don't know,
he's just so sad.
He's sad because
he doesn't have you
to kick around anymore.
Put your phone away.
Come on.
Let's go have a good time.
♪
So, how's business?
Oh, it's booming.
You really pay your rent
and your bills and everything
from posting videos?
Dude, it's way more than that.
I have , subscribers
as of tonight.
Wow. I'm impressed.
And proud of you.
You know, I'm proud
of you too, Dad.
I mean, how did you
get here on time with her?
Did you have
to write her a note
to get her out
of school early?
You know, you're not
too old for a spanking.
I don't mean
any disrespect, really.
I'm just jealous.
But you weren't around
to spank me,
so let's not play
that game, okay?
♪
Hey.
You know, your daughter
can really cook.
I know. She's incredible.
I'm having a great time.
Thanks for bringing me.
You think everybody likes me?
Definitely.
I am freezing.
I could turn your seat warmer
up, if you'd like.
Nope.
My ass temperature is just
where I like it, thank you.
I think we're driving
through one of those
polar vortex things.
Lemme just turn the heat on.
I think I have
a sweater in my bag.
What are you doing?
Hey, seriously,
what are you doing?
Stop--hey, stop that,
you're distracting me.
Keep driving.
I'm almost back here.
Seriously,
you're bumping me.
If my ass isn't hitting
the wheel, it's fine.
(panting)
It's a little unnerving with
you adjusting around so much.
I mean, we're going .
Hey.
Eyes on the road.
What I'm rockin'
ain't worth dyin' for.
You play by your own rules,
don't you?
I try.
Can we stop
at a rest area?
I really need
a tinkle station.
"Tinkle station"?
What do you call it?
The bathroom?
Pfft, that's boring.
We're making
really good time.
I mean, I usually don't stop
for like another hour or so.
Oh my God, I am more pee
than woman right now.
(sighing)
Okay. Are you hungry?
I mean, we could
take this exit,
we could turn
two stops into one.
Well, I've never had
to negotiate a piddle before,
but...yeah,
I could eat.
(motor roaring)
♪
(inaudible chatter)
♪
Anything to drink?
Um, yeah, uh--
do you guys have diet here?
Yeah.
One of those.
And for you?
Um, how's the water here?
Terrible.
I'll take it.
All right.
If the water's bad,
why would you order it?
Everyone thinks
their city's water is terrible.
I just like
to confirm it.
♪
Do you know
what you'd like?
Go ahead.
I'll--I need
a couple minutes.
I'll be ready
by the time you're ready, so--
-You sure?
-Yeah.
Okay. Um...could I just--
just the turkey wrap,
if you don't mind.
And for you?
Um, I'll have
the short stack.
But make it a double.
Butter, syrup,
or powdered sugar?
Yes.
♪
All those carbs and fat?
Aren't you the least bit
worried about your health?
Eh. Sometimes fun
is its own reward.
I love pancakes,
and butter's my best friend.
But it's terrible for you.
(sighing)
Are you allergic to fun?
Does it give you
the hives?
I like fun, I mean,
it's just--
Fun is being spontaneous.
I'm spontaneous,
I picked you up.
Oh, um, how much time
do we have again on the road?
Oh, um, at this point,
it's hours and min--
If you were any more rigid,
you'd be a sidewalk.
-'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
-Yes.
Could I, uh, have French fries
with my turkey wrap?
No problem.
Well, that's a start.
♪
So you're new here, right?
Yeah.
Me too.
We should be friends.
-I'm Sharon.
-I'm Ellen.
Nice to meet you.
It's very nice to have you.
My ex-wife was big
on filling the house
with family and loved ones
the night before Thanksgiving.
Said it made
the house a home.
Thank you.
I also really
want you to know
that we're always
very supportive
of Renee's "friends."
Very liberal family.
They made me wear
a seashell bikini.
(laughing)
That dog d*ed.
♪
That was Jeremy's first poop.
Hey, little bro.
Oh, hey.
How's it goin'?
It's been a while.
I been fine,
really good, actually.
You still workin'
at that law firm?
The one with the commercials
with the cartoon tiger?
No, they--
they let me go.
Oh. I'm sorry
to hear that, man.
Oh, thanks.
It's taken me a little
longer than I expected
to get a job,
but I've been okay.
Where's your girl at?
Uh, she's got a migraine
so she's layin' down.
Are things goin' well?
You guys are engaged
now, right?
Yeah!
She's been incredible.
I love her so much.
(burping)
Sorry.
She's been so supportive.
I feel like a stronger,
smarter person because of her.
(belching)
Oh, man.
My stomach's k*lling me,
sorry.
Having her around
just makes me feel
like I can take on anything.
She's incredible.
So...
does she take it
up the ass?
(laughing)
♪
I need this.
Take it up the ass!
(laughing)
♪
Hey. I think what you said
was beautiful.
Shut up, Liam.
♪
Okay, so.
Five a.m. sharp,
the turkey goes in.
I've made a checklist
of everything that needs
to be heated prior,
and then of what sides
go on which burner.
I can't even make
two Pop-Tarts at the same time.
You're basically
a superhero to me.
Well, Mom felt like
she had this duty
to get this thing right,
and I just wanna
continue that duty, you know?
♪
So, how long
do you think it'll be
before you're competing
against Dad for girls?
Uh, I think we're
days away at best, yeah.
Well, at least
he's here, you know?
And I wanna be mad at him,
but he's trying.
Ellen's dad ditched out on her
when she was years old.
She hasn't heard
from him since.
You know it's gotta be rough.
There's no way
he feels good about this.
-He calls me every week.
-Yeah, me too.
Have you heard from Terry?
Oh yeah--and he wants
nothing to do with Dad.
This is too bad.
Yeah, but I mean,
I get being mad at him,
but I think at this point,
I'm only about
percent mad at Dad.
(laughing)
Numbers don't lie.
No.
So, is the hot chocolate ready?
-I think so.
-Good.
Because it is way too cold
for November.
(sighing)
We have more cocoa.
Yes, we do.
Give one to Ellen, please.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Okay, everybody?
I just wanted
to let you know
how grateful I am
that all of you are here.
(clearing throat)
Mom was a firm believer
in a house full of people,
and I agree with her.
And I love you,
I love you all.
I just, uh...
I just wish that, uh...
she was here with us now
so she could see this.
It's okay, sweetheart.
I'm so sorry.
♪
It's okay.
-Sis, it's okay.
-I'm so sorry.
♪
I'm okay, okay.
Just, everyone,
enjoy your cocoa.
And I look forward
to giving thanks
to all of you tomorrow.
And many others.
The extended family
will be here very early.
So good night,
and if you need anything,
anything at all,
just say the word.
G'night!
♪
So...
Should we high-five?
Sure.
♪
Sorry, I got somethin'
stuck in my eye.
Looks like you have
a beautiful family
stuck in your eye.
♪
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
♪
When was the last time
you ate?
Mm, try a fry.
I bet you
it tastes like freedom.
♪
It's pretty good.
Don't downplay my genius.
♪
How's yours?
It's like if God
spit on a plate
and handed it to me.
Is that supposed to be good?
Dickin' phenomenal.
What?
Yeah, "dickin',"
it's my new thing.
I got tired
of sayin' "f*ckin'."
I like it better.
Seriously, that sounds
really dirty.
How?
There's a d*ck
in f*cking, anyway--
biblically speaking,
at least.
Eat your food.
♪
What, uh,
is goin' on down there?
Hm, what?
Your plate.
It's not too clean
there, sport.
Oh, I'm full.
But there's still
food there.
Yeah--I'm not
gonna eat it.
I'm not denying
you're not hungry,
I'm just saying that
you should probably
finish your food
like a man.
Whatever.
No, that's cool, I mean,
you're probably just
gonna take those scraps
and put 'em in your purse
for later, right?
Oh, ha-ha.
No, I mean, maybe next time,
we should get you a meal
that's more appropriate.
Like one that comes with
a free toy, perhaps?
♪
There.
Am I masculine enough
for you now?
Ehh, there's still
some lettuce and sh*t
on your plate
from your wrap.
♪
Wait a second.
What about your plate?
What about it?
You got all those
little bits there.
Barely.
No, scrape 'em up.
Seriously, let's go.
Come on.
♪
Ha.
Uh, looks like someone
forgot to eat her butter.
That doesn't count.
Oh, but I thought it was
your best friend, remember?
♪
Ahh!
♪
Salt packets.
-No, that's not--
-Nah, eat up.
Goddammit.
♪
(sighing)
Ugh!
(laughing)
♪
What are you laughing about?
Drink your syrup.
All right.
♪
Mm...mm...
mmm, mmm!
♪
Coffee creamers.
I didn't have coffee.
They're on your side
of the table.
Go.
♪
f*cking animals.
♪
(snoring)
♪
(knocking)
(in a whisper)
Come on, J., let's go.
Come on,
it's tradition!
-Is it time already?
-Come on.
♪
(knocking)
Come on, Rich, let's go.
-I'm down.
-I knew you would be.
-Is everybody asleep?
-Yep, just like always.
Let's go.
♪
Can't believe
she still goes for this.
I know.
♪
Okay, so, Ellen.
This might sound
kind of weird,
but every year,
we have this tradition
-where we get together--
-Okay, okay, look.
In my family, we have
this thing where every year,
the night before Thanksgiving,
my mom would wake up
just before the rest of us,
and she'd put up
all the Christmas decorations.
And the next day,
she'd tell us
Santa's elves did it!
Oh.
That's cute.
Um, our tradition
is a little...different.
-Our mom was a pothead.
-Yep.
(lighter flicking)
♪
Basically,
she'd take the oldest
and share a little
herbal refreshment.
Herbal refreshment.
She got baked a lot.
I think she's got it.
Okay.
So I think
it's an okay tradition.
You do?
Yeah, I've smoked
a spliff or two.
Listen to her!
(whispered laughter)
Here we go.
Oh my God.
Oh yeah.
Mom knew how to party.
I get first hit, f*ckers.
♪
(chuckling)
All right, J.,
you're next.
-I can't.
-What?
Job interviews.
Are you serious?
Come on.
More for me, bro.
All right,
here you go, Rich.
♪
Come on.
(laughter)
Rich, don't be an assh*le!
♪
Attagirl.
(coughing)
(laughter)
♪
(coughing)
Wrong pipe.
You said "pipe"!
Shh, shh!
I don't think Dad needs
to know about this tradition.
Is he really strict?
Yeah--Air Force.
Oh sh*t.
Jer, come on.
Be somebody.
(laughing)
Be somebody.
I gotta get the Febreze.
No, not yet!
♪
(laughter)
Attaboy.
♪
Give it to Tina,
give it to Tina, one more time.
(chatter and laughter)
♪
Get the Febreze,
get the Febreze!
(laughing)
Let the elves
get the Febreze.
(laughter)
I feel awful.
At least no one
can question your prowess.
So glad I didn't have
any of that maple syrup.
I was victorious!
I really think
it was the combination
of the French vanilla creamer
and the pepper
that got me the worst.
Wish I had an Alka-Seltzer.
Alka-Seltzer, huh?
Gonna go to the corner store
and get you some rock candy
and then brush with Aim?
Hey, I swear by the stuff.
It just works.
Let's change topics.
No more talk about food.
Texting your parents?
Noo!
If they had their way,
I'm pretty sure
they'd still have
a rotary phone.
I'm a-Googlin'.
What are you looking for?
It's a secret.
Can I have a hint?
Well, all that
pure liquid sugar
coursing through my veins
is causing me
to seek adventure.
Like what?
It's perfect!
What's perfect?
The Turnersville ramp.
It's up here on the right.
Take it, and then take
a right off the exit.
Why?
Don't worry about it.
Just know it's going
to be awesome.
But where are we going?
Are you worried
your hip won't be able
to take the surprise?
Hey, this is my car
and I'm the one driving it.
I'd like to know
where I'm going.
That's boring.
Quit being boring.
Fine.
Yess!
(sighing, panting)
sh*t.
What?
I have to pee.
But it's so warm in here
with you.
Yeah, if I don't
get up right away,
it's about to get
a lot warmer.
Okay, gross.
Bathroom is straight
down the hall.
Oww!
Light switch should just
be right past you.
(toggling switch)
It's not working.
Are you sure?
I'm pretty well versed
in light switches.
Maybe the bulb
b*rned out.
I just need
to find my pants.
(thudding)
Dammit!
Shh! You're gonna
wake everyone.
Sorry, I just can't see
my own nose in front of me.
Just...just run
out there real quick.
We're the only ones
sleepin' on the first floor.
No way.
No one is awake.
We'd have heard 'em.
Just bolt in
and bolt out
and get back to bed,
it's cold!
All right.
(whispering)
She turned it the wrong way!
(laughter)
(crying out)
Oh my God!
Well, that just happened.
Is she okay?
Sharon?
What?
What is she doing?
Our video just hit
, views.
♪
So, do I get
a cut of the profits?
sh*t, I'll take you out
for burritos anytime.
-Ohh!
-Oh my God!
She just kinda collapsed,
and she's--
Naked.
She does that sometimes.
It's kinda rare,
but she'll get up
in the middle of her sleep
and she'll take off her clothes,
and then she stops--wakes--
on the floor naked.
Okay, Dad.
Sweetie, are you okay?
Uh...
I told 'em
about your episodes.
♪
Okay.
So, do you buy that?
'Cause I'm on the fence.
On the plus side,
she's okay.
♪
Can you tell me
what you've had to eat today?
What?
I'm studying
to become a nurse.
I just don't have the whole
springing-into-action thing
down yet.
I'll get her clothes.
Okay, just--
Do you need
a glass of water?
Yeah.
♪
Really?
♪
So where exactly are we?
The Colebeck house.
Colebeck house?
It's one of the most haunted
houses in America.
(sighing deeply)
Oh.
(car door slamming)
(crickets chirping)
♪
Okay, we've seen it.
Good adventure.
Hold on.
It's--it's probably locked.
Besides, we're trespassing.
(door squealing)
It's open.
Of course it is.
♪
This place is intense.
I read about it
when I was a kid.
You didn't have
very many friends
growing up, did you?
This house was the scene
of more than one
very gruesome incident.
It was even on
"Unsolved Mysteries" once.
sh*t!
♪
The Colebeck family
purchased this house in .
One night, the family
was found sh*t,
dead in their beds.
All except the father.
The father was presumed
to be either dead or
the gunman himself.
The house sat empty for,
I don't know, years,
until a family came by
and decided
to do some renovations.
In the walls, they found
a secret compartment
no one had ever known about.
Inside the compartment,
they found empty food cans
and soda cans...
and the corpse
of Jacob Colebeck.
He had d*ed
of a heart att*ck
in the house.
That's sick.
Ever since
his body was discovered,
no one has been able
to occupy this house
without hearing
strange, threatening voices
or seeing shadows
above their beds
when they were
trying to sleep.
The last owner
committed su1c1de.
When they found him,
he had written in his journal,
"I will do
what you tell me to."
I really think
we should get outta here.
They're all just stories.
But all the stories
seem to end the same way.
There's an angry spirit
in the house,
and it wants
everyone dead.
♪
Did you hear that?
What?
It was probably just
the wind or something.
What's that over there?
I don't know, maybe like
a cat got in here or something?
(screaming)
What the hell?
(laughing)
You were going,
you were really going.
You assh*le!
Relax! I'm just
dickin' with you.
Seriously, did you see
something down there?
No!
This is an abandoned house
I found on Google.
I made the whole thing up.
You're a monster.
I prefer "creative."
Whatever. I'm outta here.
Aww!
Come on.
Don't act like that wasn't
the best scare of your life.
Don't you feel
like a kid again?
Yeah--I'm--
kinda, I guess.
So let's not rush outta here.
Well, I don't know,
what time is it?
We've got miles to go,
and there's--
What's that, Grandpa?
You need your pill?
Fine. We'll stay
in your fake haunted house
a little longer.
So what do you propose
we spend the time doing?
Truth or Dare.
Are you kidding?
Truth
or dare.
Fine. Dare.
I dare you
to sit in a closet in this place
for four minutes.
Uh-uh, no way.
You agreed to the game.
No, I'm not doin' that, no.
Without rules,
there's anarchy.
♪
This is the best.
Naked girl, awesome.
Girl falling down, awesome.
Naked girl falling down
is the best that life can be.
Do you ever listen
to yourself talk?
Of course!
Yeah, sometimes
I wish I was deaf.
Thank you all so much.
I hope you're feeling better.
I have to go to bed.
♪
Yeah.
Try to get some sleep.
Good night.
Yeah, we should probably
all get back to sleep.
Are you sure you don't
need anything else?
No, I should be okay.
I'll help her get to bed.
Thank you guys
for being so great.
Good night.
♪
If she starts
feeling strange or anything,
just let me know.
Thank you.
I saw you naked!
I mean--good night.
Get to bed.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So, should I just go home?
Everything's okay.
♪
Okay, how 'bout now?
Two minutes.
No talking.
Jesus Christ. Okay.
(scratching, squeaking noise)
Is that you?
Seriously, if you're
doing that, stop.
It's not funny.
♪
Okay, okay.
(squeaking continues)
Okay, no, uh-uh,
that's it.
I'm comin' out.
(slamming into wood)
Why were you doing that?
Why were you scratching
the door and stuff?
What are you talking about?
Like, you scratching
the door and, like, making--
trying to freak me out
with, like, spooky sounds.
That's not cool.
No, I really wasn't.
You weren't--you weren't
like scratching at it?
Are you okay?
♪
Yeah, I guess.
It was totally me!
Dammit!
I'm really learning
what hatred means.
Your turn.
Okay, truth or dare,
um...
truth or dare?
Mm...truth.
Why would a girl like you
decide to get
into a car with a stranger
and drive
halfway across the country?
♪
I moved away
trying to find something.
Don't know what it was,
but turned out,
it wasn't
an abusive boyfriend.
When we broke up,
he kept all my stuff.
It got hard.
I was sleeping
in and out of my car.
Jobs were rare.
I just didn't think
to come home.
I love my family, and
they are so supportive,
but...it just felt like
an admission of failure.
I went out
into the real world and
it spit me back out.
Now I have to go home because
I can't take care of myself.
♪
It really hurts.
♪
A few days ago,
I decided that
I really did want
to come home.
So, I packed my stuff,
got all my money together,
and decided
to go on the road.
I sunk all my money
into the gas t*nk,
and, well, I haven't been
eating very well.
Again, because I'm dumb,
I don't just ask
Mom and Dad for money.
♪
But I can't wait to see them
when I get home.
It took so long
to admit that I needed help.
When I met you,
I knew it was going to be
the most luck
I'll ever have in my life.
I can never thank you
enough for it.
Listen, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to--
Sorry for what?
I have you driving me
all the way across the country.
I have a bellyful
of pancakes and condiments,
and a large, loving family
waiting for me
when I get home.
♪
I'm ready for help.
I'm just lucky there are
so many helpful people
in the world.
I would really like
to hug you now.
That's fine.
♪
Uh...truth or dare?
Truth.
Why don't you forgive
your father?
Because f*ck him.
I remember when he was there
taking care of me,
and then I remember
when he just disappeared.
I remember having
to learn to shave my face
and cutting myself
to pieces
because I didn't have a dad
to show me how to do it.
I remember getting
less Christmas presents.
I remember the look
on my mom's face
when she had no idea
how we were going
to pay the bills that month.
I have a pretty f*cking
vivid memory.
I'm sorry.
And that's what I see
when I think of him.
I'm talented,
I'm a good guy, I work hard.
He doesn't deserve me
as a son.
He doesn't deserve
any of us.
He's an abandoning assh*le.
I hate him!
(crying)
Truth or dare?
Dare.
I dare you to run out back
naked by the field.
Forget that!
Even if it wasn't pervy,
it's freezing out there.
Without rules,
there's anarchy.
Ohh...
Whee!
(laughing)
You've got nerves of steel.
You happy?
Yeah.
Come on. Let's go
warm up in the car.
Come on.
♪
(birdsong)
♪
-Good morning.
-Good morning, kiddo.
Hey.
How you feelin'?
Great.
Really?
Better.
♪
You know what we need?
A backward race,
right now.
Okay.
-Come on.
-Okay.
(crickets chirping)
(sighing)
Oh, Jesus!
You scared me.
Um, I'm sorry.
Can't sleep?
No, not really.
I, uh...I had a dream
about Mom.
Oh. Me too.
Really?
Not exactly,
but I can relate.
I just think
it's so silly that I,
I still miss her
this much still.
No, it--it's fine.
She left a big hole
in our lives.
Oh, God,
that's for sure.
She used to protect me
in school from bullies.
You're kidding.
No, completely serious.
Um, this one time
I came home with a black eye,
and she was livid.
I guess she wanted blood,
and I refused
to tell her who did it.
I didn't need my big sister
fighting my battles for me.
Had a bad enough reputation
as it was.
But she found out?
Yeah, she did.
There was this one assembly
where she came in.
She saw me sitting there
all nervous.
She literally
twisted my arm
to find out who did it.
And I begged her
not to say anything.
What'd she do?
Nothing.
She just sat there
in silence.
It was scary, I thought
she was gonna k*ll somebody.
Then, at the end
of the assembly,
she walked right up
behind the kid,
opened her mouth, and spit
on the back of his head.
What?
Yeah, she'd been saving
her spit for minutes.
Oh, God,
that's disgusting!
The principal thought so too.
He gave her a whole week's
worth of detention over it.
Our mother's heart
was broken.
She thought it was
a weird sexual thing.
Oh, Catholics
always think that.
Amen.
It's nice.
It's nice, you know,
that there's more to her
than even I knew.
Does that make sense?
No, I understand.
My sister was
an amazing person.
She just loved everything
with her whole heart.
She gave us
such a great life.
If I kept a tally
of how many times
she bailed me out, I--
I wouldn't even remember
how to tie my shoes.
We love you.
You know that, right?
♪
I don't believe that,
but...
I appreciate
you saying it.
So, what do we do?
♪
When our father d*ed,
that's when I knew my sister
was like the strongest
human being on the planet.
I couldn't even
walk into the funeral,
she literally
had to carry me.
When she finally
got me to stop crying,
I remember her saying
so clearly,
"We hurt so badly
because we love so much,
and it's the price we pay
for the greatest gift of all."
I think it was worth it.
Oh, f*ck.
♪
She's still
teaching us things.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Get back to bed.
Three a.m.'s no time to start
cookin' a turkey dinner.
(laughing)
I guess you're right.
G'night.
Sleep it off, kiddo.
(sighing deeply)
♪
How 'bout I take the wheel
for a little bit?
No, I'm okay.
I've done this drive, like,
a dozen times before.
Soon as the sun comes up,
I'll be awake.
Well, it's not really going
to rise for a while, so...
why don't I make some sounds
to help you stay awake?
No, I'm okay.
Ba-caww!
Jesus!
Beep-bop-boop-boop,
boop-bop-boop!
Please, stop!
All you had to do
was ask.
♪
(inaudible chatter)
Okay! I need everybody out,
'cause I gotta work
my magic.
-Okay.
-All right.
Good morning, f*ckers!
♪
Rich, why are you
smiling so much?
I just peed
in the shower.
Perfect.
I'm just kidding--
I don't shower.
Okay! Why don't you go see
if Uncle Luke needs something?
Gladly.
Vamoose! Out! Go.
♪
(oxygen t*nk hissing)
♪
Oh!
Hi, Uncle Luke.
Can I get anything for you?
Yeah.
p*ssy.
Okay.
(laughing)
I love it when they don't
know what to think of me.
(chuckling)
So, whose kid are you?
Um, actually,
I'm with Tom.
I'm his girlfriend.
Ah, lucky fuckpickle.
Excuse me?
Well, I'm Great-Uncle Luke.
Only I'm really
kinda mediocre.
It's nice to meet you.
You too.
What time'd you get in?
Uh, we flew in yesterday
around two.
Nice.
I got loaded in around noon
by two beaners.
Not that I'm r*cist--
they did a great job.
I left 'em a peso,
or whatever they call it.
(doorbell chiming)
Hey!
-Oh, it's so good--
-It's so good to see you.
Oh, how've you been?
Oh, I've been great--you?
-Hey!
-Hi!
Hi, Liam,
how've you been?
Oh, it's so good to see you.
You're lookin' really good.
You look taller.
♪
Dude, half a million hits?
This is incredible.
Hey, web celeb.
Go grab some more chairs.
All the cousins are comin'.
Manual labor?
I'll do it,
but I'm gonna do it ironically.
As long as it gets done.
So, is he really
getting to you that bad?
No, but he's not
helping either.
Oh, come on--okay.
I'm taking this,
I'm putting it out of your mind
and out of your reach.
So that way, you can't
talk to him anymore.
There's just no
fighting you, is there?
No. I'm way bigger.
♪
What? Do I have a booger?
Mm--no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
Don't be one of those girls
who goes and gets hurt by a guy
and then goes and plays
for the other team.
I love you too much
for that!
I'm just--yeah.
(doorbell ringing)
♪
Hey, come on in!
Hey, how've you been?
Oh, so good!
Just--oh,
you get more beautiful..
-Thanks. You look good too.
-...every time I see you.
Hi, Liam.
Hey, bring it in, buddy,
bring it in, just--yeah.
I am so glad
you guys made it.
-Glad to be here.
-Thanks for having us.
Yeah. Can I take
your coats or something?
Um, I'm good.
Hey.
We need to talk.
(chuckling)
Oh--oh, sh*t.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
♪
I've been trying
to figure out
how to say this
for a week now.
I just don't know
what to say,
or I don't want
to hurt you.
God, now I've
built it all up.
I'm sorry.
I'm really bad at this.
Trying to hurt me--
what are you trying to say?
♪
I'm not attracted
to you anymore.
You're great, but I can't
be with you anymore.
You, I love,
but being with you
makes me unhappy.
I wanted to tell you sooner,
but I just couldn't.
I wanted to wait,
but it felt dishonest.
♪
Are you okay?
Oh...I'll be fine.
♪
I'm really sorry.
When you get back
from dinner,
my things'll be
out of the apartment.
Was there someone else?
No.
I gotta go.
My car should be
waiting outside.
You ordered a car?
I used an app.
Goodbye, hon.
♪
♪
(indistinct chatter)
It's like
an American law
that you have to have
a strong potato salad.
Who eats potato salad
at Thanksgiving?
(in distant, echoey voice)
Hey, man, how you doing?
Where's your girlfriend?
Hey, bro, what's--
Hey! Hi! How are you?
♪
Hey!
You okay?
Yeah, I just
love lawns so much.
What happened?
She left me.
What? What do you mean?
I just saw her.
She ordered a car
with an app.
Oh, okay, uh...
was there another guy?
No.
Ouch.
Okay.
Come on, let's go inside.
It's cold out here.
No.
I'm just gonna stay here
until I'm nothing.
Don't be a baby.
(sniffling)
♪
I'm so stupid.
No, you're not stupid,
it happens to everyone.
She's just kind of a d*ck.
No she's not.
Do you realize
how hard that must have been
for her to do that?
What, to crush you
down to your core?
If she really wanted
to break up with me,
I have to respect that.
Can't stand in her way.
Jer, you got f*cked over.
You're allowed
to be mad.
When was the last time
you were actually pissed off?
Being angry would just be
selfish.
No, no--seriously,
Jer, you need to have
a f*cking pulse, okay?
You are allowed
to be mad at what happened.
It doesn't make you
a bad person.
I mean, just don't go
all O.J. Simpson on her ass,
but sh*t!
You're allowed to get mad,
you've earned it.
God.
I just can't believe
she did this.
Damn right!
f*cking bitch!
Okay, well,
try to keep it down--
No, I did everything
f*cking right.
Nope, there's family
in there.
And she smashed my heart
like a c**t.
(music ends abruptly)
There's--there--
Hey, Jer!
If you say one f*cking
thing to me right now,
I swear to God
I will knock you down
and slit your throat
with my d*ck.
♪
I...I just needed to know
if you brought brown sugar
for the yams
or if you needed some.
Yeah, um, we--
I brought some.
♪
Let's go, come on.
-Let's get out of here.
-Going to Sizzler.
-Hey--what?
-Nope, can't do it.
Uh, we have this thing
that we, you know, um...
Uh, you can keep
the coats, okay?
You want this closed
or open?
Closed, I guess.
Happy Thanksgiving!
(birdsong)
Aww, come on,
keep your pants on, Grandpa.
Oh yeah.
It's an app.
Whoa!
Fancy.
Hey, what are you--don't walk
in front of those cameras,
they're probably hooked up
to a recorder.
You ever been
to St. Louis before?
No.
You comin' back?
I don't know.
Then don't worry about it,
sit down.
So.
What have you learned today
that you didn't know before?
That no matter
how hard you look,
no matter where you search,
there are no vendors
to sell you hotdogs
on Thanksgiving morning.
(laughing)
How true!
No, no, no, no,
wait for the applause.
♪
Okay.
So, are you looking forward
to going home?
Yeah.
But I've learned to never
underestimate the journey,
you know?
Some of us, all we have
is the journey.
♪
Maybe it's time
to go home.
No, I don't think
I'm ready for that.
Doesn't turkey sound good?
I said no!
I'm sorry, I--
it's--
we're way off schedule,
and this has been
a really weird trip
and...
I don't know.
That's okay.
I know you didn't mean it.
You ever just
stop and think?
What do you mean?
This moment right here
is completely unique.
From the footsteps we took
to walk into the door
to the lights that are
shining on our faces
at those perfect angles.
None of it can ever
be duplicated.
It's kinda magical,
you know?
And it's the kind of magic
that happens every single day.
♪
I think I wanna kiss you.
That's fine.
♪
Come on,
let's get a move on.
We've gotta make
good time, right?
♪
♪
(firecracker exploding)
♪
(firecracker exploding)
(door sliding open)
You mind if I join you?
Sure.
♪
(firecracker exploding)
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
♪
(firecracker exploding)
No, really.
What are you doing?
When I was
in middle school,
I wasn't a very good student.
My brothers and sisters
and cousins,
they all had
their honor roll certificates
and their wrestling trophies.
I didn't have
any of that kind of stuff.
My moms and my aunts,
they used to praise them
all the time.
So one day,
I was pissed off
and came out here and
started throwing firecrackers.
They ran out here
and yelled at me
and told me to stop it.
It was...
kinda nice.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Now, I have
thousands of people
that wanna watch me
and hear what I have to say.
They why are you
out here alone
throwing firecrackers?
My brother,
he blew up on me.
You know, I think
all I've ever wanted to do
was make him laugh,
but every time I try,
he just hates me.
I didn't know his f*ckin'
girlfriend dumped him.
I feel bad for him,
but I just feel
all-around like sh*t.
Can I suggest something?
No offense,
but the girl my dad's boning
isn't really my ideal source
of life advice.
True.
But I'm gonna try anyway.
When I'm mad,
I like to cuss.
Well, f*ck, I'm pretty sure
I've got that down.
No, I mean,
like actually curse.
Give it purpose.
There's this study that shows
that pain tolerance rises
when people curse.
Regardless of language
or anything,
you just gotta commit.
f*ck!
Seriously?
Yeah! Try it.
f*ck!
c**t pissbag!
c**t piss sh*t!
All right, now try it
with compounds.
Get creative.
Dogfuck shitbagel!
(laughing)
What?
Try it.
Shitbagel bitchcunt!
f*ck pissbag!
You feel better?
Honestly? Yeah.
♪
So who's that?
That is Lisa.
And she's by herself,
so that means
there probably hasn't been
a Husband Number Seven yet.
-sh*t.
-Yeah.
Oh, I think
she means well.
I mean, there's no proof
that she poisoned
any of her husbands.
No, come on, really.
What do you call a Polack
in a coat and tie?
I don't wanna know.
Close!
The defendant!
(laughing)
Get it?
Isn't your side
of the family Polish?
That's right!
Boy, it's just like
one of us
to make a stupid mistake
like that.
(laughing)
Happy Thanksgiving!
Nice knowin' ya.
So who the f*ck are you?
♪
-Hi!
-Hey.
I'm gonna go.
-I had a great time.
-Thank you.
Happy holiday.
(sighing)
It's time!
It's not Friday.
Early bird
gets the bird food.
Tomorrow morning--
but you need to leave.
Hey! Is that
a friend of yours?
Come on in.
The more, the merrier.
I'd never turn down
a free turkey.
♪
♪
(groaning)
I-I'm sorry.
I was trying
not to disturb you.
Oh, that's okay.
I was plenty disturbed
before you came in.
-Thanks.
-What's wrong?
Well, I had a beautiful woman
planning on marrying me,
impressive college transcript
in my field,
never really panned out.
Then I figured I could just
cry on all these coats.
♪
What was that?
I--I don't know,
I just like to kiss people
who are crying.
That--that didn't
come out right.
Um...
I understand how you feel.
♪
Wait!
I don't have a condom.
It's okay,
I'm on birth control.
But...I don't know you.
♪
I'm Jeremy.
♪
You should really leave now.
Not till I get my money.
All right.
I'll have it after dinner,
but please don't say anything.
Will there be
mashed potatoes?
Yeah.
What about pie?
Yeah.
Deal.
Dinner's ready!
Oh, thank God.
All right, come on.
We are the remaining survivors.
Blow me.
Come on.
Eat at the table with us,
like a family.
Eat my ass like a family!
Deal with this.
I have to go find Jeremy.
(exasperated sigh)
Come on, Uncle Luke.
We do this every year.
We eat at the table.
I have eaten at that table
for the last Thanksgivings.
This year, I wanna stay
in front of the TV,
you got that?
Well, that's not
what we do.
We eat at the table
and you know this.
So get your ass up
with that f*ckin' t*nk
and let's go.
--probably looking for us.
What's up?
Uncle Luke isn't coming
to the dinner table.
Oh--uh, I got this.
(in loud, slow voice)
Come on, Uncle Luke.
It's tradition.
Didn't your girlfriend
just leave you?
Will you please
come eat with us?
(sighing)
You're very pretty.
♪
I changed my mind.
I wanna go back
to the living room.
How 'bout you just
enjoy your food?
Who would like
to say grace?
I will.
You will?
I'm the senior-most member
of the family present.
Seems appropriate.
Sure.
♪
Fold your goddamned hands.
♪
Father, who art in heaven,
thank You for all this food
on this day of thanks.
And thank You
for the reoccurring,
incessant nightmares
of my platoon leader
falling into my lap dead
with a piece of shrapnel
lodged in his skull
the size of a toy poodle.
Okay!
Okay, let's just eat,
thank you.
Amen.
♪
Food's really good, sis.
Thank you.
The yams turned out great.
Thank you.
I made them for her.
You know,
those little blue pills
really do work.
♪
I mean, they'll get you harder
than a preacher's hairdo
in about an hour.
Of course, I gave a couple
to my buddy Ron.
He wanted to celebrate
his wife's retirement.
Gave him a handful,
he was dead in a week.
You bet I flushed the rest
of those little f*ckers
down the shitter,
which is where this country
is headed, by the way.
Nice.
I personally think
the turkey came out great.
But if it is
a little bit dry,
I made some great gravy
to go with that.
Oh, I'd love
some of that gravy.
You know what we used
to call n*gg*r*s
back in my day?
That's about enough.
Hold on,
lemme finish.
n*gg*r*s.
(laughing)
I love this show.
So this is it, right?
Yeah. Thanks.
(car door slamming)
It was my pleasure.
Consider it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, um...would it--
would it be okay
if I called you sometime?
♪
I think we should let
what we had be just that.
Okay.
♪
Aww, I'm just
dickin' with ya.
Do you have a pen?
Yeah!
♪
I had something
I wanted to ask you, Tina.
Sure, what's up?
Wow, these cranberries
are great.
Thank you.
Straight from the can, Dad.
Simple is better.
-I need some more stuffing.
-Of course.
♪
Hey, Rich, are you gonna
join us at the table today?
Oh, the video just hit
, views.
This is huge!
(slamming table)
I want you to take
that video down!
Seriously, Rich,
it's gone on long enough.
First you come in here,
you terrorize my friend,
and we tried
to laugh it off,
but now it's getting
f*cking ridiculous.
No, not that video.
The video that I sh*t
this morning.
"Gobble, gobble"--
(mass retching)
Oh my God!
Talk turkey to me, baby!
(mimicking turkey call)
Gobble, gobble!
Oh, that's it.
Are you guys seeing this?
We need to kick this guy
out of the family, now.
That is not how
this family works.
Oh, who d*ed and made you
queen bitch?
-Hey.
-Hey!
Oh, shut the f*ck up!
Calm down.
I need $ , !
Oh, f*ck that, guy.
I'm sorry--
I don't have that.
I don't have
that kinda money.
Fine!
(terrified gasping)
♪
I'm taking this deadbeat
piece of sh*t with me, then.
♪
No, you're not
taking him anywhere.
Yes I am.
No. You're not.
Look, you got six b*ll*ts
and there're seven of us.
You're not goin' anywhere.
Put the g*n down and get
the f*ck out of our house.
Look, just take me.
Leave everyone else
out of this.
Oh, that's never
gonna happen.
♪
Arrgghh!
(g*nsh*t)
Rich!
sh*t!
(groaning, coughing)
♪
(groaning)
♪
(clunking)
♪
I just wanted more gravy.
This turkey's as dry
as my dear old Rita,
God rest her soul.
♪
Whose kid is this, anyway?
♪
No! No, that's not
what I said.
It's Stevens Avenue.
I don't know
the f*cking ZIP Code!
Goddammit!
(moaning)
I--
I need my phone.
You don't need your phone.
We've got an ambulance coming.
You're gonna be fine,
just relax, just...
I love you.
I...I love you too,
but...
I need my phone.
You don't need your phone.
We'll get it
at the hospital.
No, I--I tried to film myself
saving the family,
but I'll get
so many more hits this way,
"Hero Fail."
♪
(chuckling)
♪
(sighing)
Careful, careful,
careful, careful, careful.
You're okay,
you're okay.
It's fine.
-Holy sh*t.
-Holy sh*t.
Sorry, brother,
we don't have any more time
for surprises today.
The f*cking ambulance
won't be here till Christmas
so I'm f*cking
taking him myself.
-Come on.
-Come on, Rich.
-Come on!
-Careful, careful, careful.
♪
So, what did I miss?
A lot.
We're taking the turkey
to the hospital.
Can you drive?
Yeah, yeah.
♪
Guys.
Guys!
♪
♪
(deeply inhaling, exhaling)
Well, that's it.
I hope you liked it, hmph.
And if you didn't,
well...
right here, pal.
(sighing)
♪
Awkward Thanksgiving (2014)
Moderator: Maskath3