03x08 - The Twelve Shorts of Christmas

[bunniefuu]

- ("Deck the Halls" playing)

("Christmas Eve/Sarajevo / " playing)

- (DRIVING PERCUSSIVE b*at PLAYS)
- Oh.

- Yeah!
- (MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING DRAMATICALLY)

(VOCALIZING)

- (MUSIC ENDS)
- Yeah-ha!

- Whoo!
- Hey, Greg?

Merry Christmas.

It really is the most
wonderful time of the year.

No! No! No... (GROANS)

Oh, boy.

- _
- ("The Twelve Days of Christmas" playing)

How cool are we?

Even though we're
technically not a couple,

we can still have people
over for a holiday party.

Oh, I'm gonna make sure that the
parking brake is on this time.

We don't want the house
rolling away again.

Yeah, nobody wants another Easter.

See? I told you everyone would fit.

Yeah, you're right. And the photo booth

is a great conversation starter.

Toilet's broke.

Got some good pictures, though.

I'm starving. Where's the food?

Oh, we can't eat... this
place is at weight capacity.

Are you okay, Mom? You look pale.

Yeah, I feel pale.

I don't think this house

- can sustain human life.
- Oh, no, no, no.

It'll be okay. Honey, open
that window for my mom.

I tried... it's just a decal.

Yeah, I need air. I'm
gonna just lie down.

- Whoa! - Okay. We need to
get Joan out of here, stack.

I think it's "stat."

No. I'm a doctor, Jen. It's "stack."

If I had a nipple for every
time someone corrected me...

- How do we get her out?
- Go high!

Lift with your legs.

Easy...

We did it. You know a party's a success

when someone crowd surfs.

CLEMENTINE: This is the best!

Merry Christmas, Joan!

- (LOUD THUMP)
- Oh!

Oh, we forgot to open the door.

Back her up, back her up, back her up.

_

(BELL TINKLING)

Donation?

Here's a ten-spot.

Doesn't it make you sick,
people not being so generous

during the holidays?

Thank you for your donation.

Oh, wait. That was a hundred dollars.

I meant to give you a
ten. I'll need that back.

I'm sorry, it's locked.
They don't trust us.

Well, if I was gonna
donate a hundred dollars,

I'd have done it in
church so God could see me.

This isn't much of a lock.

(BELL TINKLING)

- What are you doing?
- I just want what's mine.

Somebody do some... Can you help?

Uh, maybe on the way out.

Wait.

I'm the only one that
gave you any money?

Well, people aren't as
generous as they used to be.

Ah...

just keep it.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, that's my drone.

Thank you for your donation.

(BELL TINKLING)

Uh...

Yeah.

_

MATT: Okay, bubbles in the tub,

and little kid toy... all set.

Look familiar?

- Tim showed you that video?
- What?

- What?
- What?

No, dude. I'm talking about this.

Oh!

Mom's favorite photo.

Yeah. Well, it'll be
her second favorite photo

- once we recreate it.
- Oh, I love that!

Oh, yeah, let's match this exactly.

- Yeah.
- Uh, well, are you sure the three of us

can fit in that tub without, you know,

our, uh, parts touching?

- We're gonna be wearing swimsuits.
- HEATHER: Yeah.

Well, I'm just a purist

when it comes to
recreations, that's all.

But, I mean, we can go your way.
That's fine.

- (SNIFFS)
- Yeah.

HEATHER: Oh, you guys,
this takes me back.

I remember Mom sitting right there,

drinking wine,

cursing out Dad for never being home.

- That's right.
- (LAUGHS)

Hey, thank you guys for this.

You know, I never get
Mom anything good, so...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, this isn't just from you.

Sure it is... it was my idea.

I'm getting scissored by my sister,

and I still have to
buy Mom a gift? Uh-uh.

- This is from the three of us.
- Yeah.

But I did all the work.

You filled up the tub!

You want to know what?

I'm getting out. No deal.

Oh, I'm stuck.

Okay, listen, you know what, I get it.

You want the glory, because
your presents always suck.

Okay? Nobody wants

sliced-up painting that
you made into bookmarks.

Well, don't open
your present this year.

Okay, yeah, but this
is a great idea, Matt.

I wanted it to be from me, because...

Mom sees me as the creative one

and I'm always disappointing her.

Honey...

It being from the three of
us is the right thing to do,

especially since I'm going to need you

to help pitch in to get it framed.

- Okay.
- So, thank you. I love you guys.

- We love you, too.
- Love you, too. Oh.

Please never tell me what this is.

(CAMERA SNAPS)

_

I know this is a tough
time of year for you

since you lost your wife.

Yeah, part of me just wants to
pretend like it's not Christmas,

you know, just go on
like it's any other day.

But damn it, I want my peppermint bark.

Oh, that is very good.

Oh! It's like Santa's in
my mouth, nuts and all.

Oh, we-we might want to explore that.

You know, Christmas is a difficult time

- for a lot of people.
- (MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Oh, please!

Just leave,

you mechanical cockroach.

Get... out!

Out!

- Oh, I just hate that thing.
- (MECHANICAL GROAN)

I'm sorry.

I wanted

a vacuum cleaner last year,

you know, for Christmas, and
so John got me that cyborg rat

that lives off his toenail
clippings. (SHUDDERS)

- Ooh.
- Anyway,

what we want to watch out for here

are any warning signs of depression.

- (GUITAR PLAYS GENTLY) - Like
losing interest in normal activities,

wanting to sleep all the time...

feelings of emptiness...

John! There's nothing in here!

And, of course,

any suicidal thoughts.

What you want to keep saying to
yourself is that you're loved.

(CRYING): Thank you.

JOHN: That Timpkins guy

gave me a hug and a
big kiss when he left.

- You're one hell of a therapist, Joanie.
- Oh, thank you.

I try to have compassion with...

Oh, no!

Go away!

I just...

have the feeling that I'm
missing some cry for help.

(ECHOING BOOM)

What was that?

Who's gonna vacuum up the vacuum?

- _
- ("I Have a Little Dreidel" playing)

(FLY BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

Yup. I found her.

You got a pretty big bee hole.

Uh, what?

It's a hole where the
bees is getting in.

If you got a compact
mirror, I'll show her to you.

Y-You want to show me my, uh...

- Bee hole.
- Uh-huh.

You're gonna have to
bend over, but I promise

it's worth the extra effort.

Well, you know what they say.

You've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

- That's what they say, but, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

In my experience, each
and every one's different.

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, that's the beauty of nature.

- Right.
- Yeah, but you never know

till you get your head up in there.

- Yeah.
- Yup.

No problem. Yup. (GRUNTS)

Look, there's a cr*ck right
here, leads right to the hole.

It's probably how they
got in there so deep.

- Just rode that cr*ck right up to it.
- (CHUCKLES)

So, uh, y-you have a lot of experience

filling bee holes then?

I mean, I've-I've
filled a bee hole or two.

I mean, just a couple weeks
ago, I was in a truck stop toilet

plugging a bee hole.

It's the quickest $ I ever made.

Okay. Well, hey, thanks
for saving Christmas, Oscar.

I-I probably won't tell
Lark exactly how, but...

Yeah, all she needs to know is

that I obliterated Mommy's bee hole.

- _
- ("The Twelve Days of Christmas" playing)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Hey!
- Hello!

- Hi!
- Hi!

- (KISSING)
- Oh, Merry Christmas.

- Here you go.
- Oh, you brought wine.

- You didn't have to do that.
- Yeah! Well, we figured

it was time we stopped
lying and say that, you know,

we forgot it in the car and
actually bring something in

to one of these family
functions. And, Mom, this is...

- this is a really good bottle of wine.
- Mm-hmm.

- Whew.
- My office

did a white elephant exchange,

and as soon as I saw
this expensive bottle,

I pretended I had an ovarian
cyst burst, and I left.

I find the more specific you
are, the less people question it.

- So smart.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, every great bottle
of wine has its story.

- Come on, let me take you in here...
- Okay.

To the party.

- Oh...
- Hey, g*ng, look who's here!

- Merry Christmas!
- Hey!

(SIGHS)

What a waste.

We finally bring something
and nobody's drinking it.

- Not even Heather.
- No, no, this is great.

We already got credit for it,
so we can just take it home

and regift it next year.

Yeah, or we could take
it home and drink it.

We can make it our
Christmas gift to each other.

Did you not get me a Christmas gift?

I totally got you a Christmas gift.

Is it one of your paintings
sliced into a bookmark?

Does nobody in this family read?

Ugh. Read, read, read.

(GAGS)

Let's go. I hid the
wine under my sweater.

What's in your purse?

The wine opener I stole.

- Right.
- Merry Christmas!

Love you, Mom! Bye!

- Bye.
- Oh, oh, wait.

Wait, wait!

Nobody drank your wonderful wine.

You should just take it home.

Oh...

John!

Get their wine!

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

I didn't let anybody touch your wine.

Okay.

Because they were already drunk.

And so that's when you
start pouring the swill.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- John!

I don't see it.

Well, that means you're looking at it!

- Oh, you know what, it's okay.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

We're gonna take off.

Thank you for a great night, Mom.

- Bye.
- Mwah. Thank you so much.

- Oh, bye.
- Merry Christmas.

Oh!

Oh, oh, what is that?

(SHOUTS) My ovarian cyst!

- (GROANS)
- Ooh...

_

Guys, I'm having a little problem here.

Sleep, she ain't coming.

Sophia, if you want to
keep up our tradition

of sleeping together on Christmas Eve,

you have to keep up
your end of the bargain.

- Go to sleep.
- Hey, you don't have a drone

waiting for you on the other side.

This isn't easy.

I am what they call "wired."

Then go get some milk.

Hmm. Good idea. Milk.

Nature's Ambien.

I love you.

Sophia? Why are you still up?

Are you crazy?

I love you so much.

I love you, and I love you.

Boop, boop.

Out of all the people,
I love you guys the most.

What are you drinking?

Cow milk.

The sweet, sweet nectar of cow.

- (HICCUPS)
- (SNIFFS)

Oh, no. She drank the
eggnog from the party.

Give it back. I've never felt so good.

- What?
- HEATHER: Are you guys still awake

in there? Seriously?

- No. Come on.
- (MUTTERING)

What are you doing?

You're gonna wake up your little sister.

(SNORING SOFTLY)

She's so peaceful. Mm.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Now I need some eggnog.

Why is it wet?

- (GASPS) Sophia!
- Oh, my God!

Everybody shut up!

Santa's coming.

_

- Psst.
- (QUIETLY): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coast is clear. Lark's asleep.

Okay, good, 'cause I really
want this to be a surprise.

Okay.

(GASPS)

Oh! He's even cuter than the
photos that the shelter sent.

- Yeah.
- She's gonna love him.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Oh.

I thought you were getting the puppy.

This is the puppy.

(LOUD CRASHING)

What the hell was that?

Wh... You put the dog
in his crate, right?

Yeah.

(SNARLING)

- (GROWLING)
- TOY VOICE: Mama. Mama.

He's k*lling Jessica Jammies.

(GROWLING) Mama.

No.

- No, no, no!
- Mama.

- No, that is not working.
- Huh?

- With a dog that size...
- Why?

You have to establish
dominance, like this.

Mama.

Hey, buddy.

- Who's in...
- Mama.

- Um...
- (SHUDDERS)

GREG: Okay, okay.

Who's in charge? Huh?

- (GRUNTS) He's in charge.
- Oh, no.

He's the alpha dog now.

JEN: No!

- (DEEPLY): No!
- (BARKING)

- (DEEPER): No!
- (BARKING)

No! (BARKS)

No!

(LOW SNARL)

Okay, shh. Let's just keep it quiet.

All right? Let's not do anything crazy.

All right.

(LOW SNARL)

Don't... make... a sound.

(TOY SQUEAKS) Mama.

(BARKING)

- No, no, no, no, no!
- (SCREAMS)

- No, no, no, no!
- (GASPING)

Oh, no!

Greg, Lark's big present

just ate all of Lark's little presents.

What are we gonna do?

Celebrate Hanukkah?

Well, I guess it all worked out.

The dog's much happier
with his new family.

Yeah, and Lark loves her gift.

Thank you for my playhouse.

Merry Christmas, Lark.

And Happy Hanukkah.

Honey, where did she
get that necklace though?

That's the dog's shock collar.

Hey, Lark...

Not-not near the water.

- _
- ("The Twelve Days of Christmas" playing)

(GASPS) Christmas!

God. Oh, babe, no. Come on.
The kids aren't even up yet.

Oh, well, you snooze, you lose.

It's Santa time.

I love this thing, 'cause you
don't have to wear underwear.

(GROANS): Mmm...

(GASPS)

Oh, I know, babe... I gasp
every time I see it, too.

No, it can't be.

What's the matter?

I have a gray pube!

(GASPS) Oh, yeah!

Oh, it's like a little
piece of silver tinsel.

That's festive.

Well, had to happen sooner or later.

(WHISPERS): Not yet.

Merry Christmas!

Mom.

Bring it way down.

Here, Dad. This is for you.

Ooh.

Leave the presents to the
young ones who still have

- their whole lives ahead of them.
- Oh, honey,

come on, are you really gonna
let one tiny little gray hair

ruin your favorite holiday?

Wasn't tiny... it was twice
as long as all the others.

Okay, well, then why
don't you just pluck it out

and be done with it?

It doesn't work that way.

Gray hairs are like ants.

- Okay.
- Oh, you see one,

- there's a hundred more behind it.
- Mm.

That was just the scout pube, Heather.

- The colony is coming.
- Okay, okay.

Art pens!

Cool.

Well, maybe there's
something even cooler

than art pens inside.

- A plane ticket to France?
- Yes.

To that summer art camp
you wanted to go to.

Merry Christmas, sweetie.

TIM: Enjoy it now,

- Sophia.
- Okay, babe, that's Samantha.

Eh, they're all the same.

Thank you so much!

I can't believe this!

I'm gonna call Uncle
Matt. He'll be so excited.

Can you believe that, Tim?

Our daughter is mature enough
to go to Europe by herself.

Think about that, honey.

Huh, maybe you're right.
This is all that matters.

Of course. We're getting older,

but we get to watch our kids grow up.

- Mmm.
- Hey, I'll be right back.

"Burnt Pumpkin Spice"?

It's a match!

(PEN RATTLING)

All right. (GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

- Dad!
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- It's not what it looks like.
- Oh, my... God!

I just want to feel...

like a young man again!

_

Ooh...

This feels like the teapot I asked for.

Oh!

- With... cherries.
- Yeah,

I had to hand-paint that,
but the paint's kind of toxic,

so you shouldn't put liquids in it.

Okay.

Mm.

(RATTLING)

(MURMURS EXCITEDLY)

Oh, it's... cherry earrings.

- Oh!
- Look. They match the pajamas

that you got me.

ALL: Oh!

JOAN: Oh!

- Are they pretty.
- Oh, I love that.

What is this?

It's a cherry toilet brush!

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh! Oh!
- (LAUGHTER)

- That's great.
- HEATHER: Okay.

You know what? No.

I'm done. I'm done with the cherries.

No... no more cherries.

Cherries are your thing.

No, Mom. I said

that I love cherries one time years ago.

And the only reason we even went
to that stupid cherry orchard

is because we got lost on
the way to pick strawberries.

Well, in my defense, we got lost

because I thought the
directions were a prank.

I'm done with the cherries.

The next person to phone it in

and give me some cherry-themed

piece of crap Christmas gift

is dead to me.

Maybe the garbage will appreciate it.

Honey, honey, honey,
honey. No, no, no, no, no.

- I love it. Mommy loves it. Oh...
- JOHN: You heard her.

She's into strawberries.

Yeah.

_

Here you go. This is for Mom and Dad.

Yup.

Aw, look at you guys, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

JOAN: Oh! Look at you.

See, Joanie, I told you three
adults would fit in that tub.

And I told you that wasn't my objection.

Oh, this is so wonderful!

I love it. Thank you.

Thank you, kids.

Hey, there's one more present.

Says it's from Santa.

Please tell me it's new
locks for the bathroom door.

It's a DVD that says "Play me."

TIM (GASPS): Oh!

A gift from the ghost
of technologies past.

- Is this from you guys?
- No, right?

- I have no idea what this is.
- Oh.

- _
- ("Sarajevo" playing on TV)

JOAN: Oh, look at. So cute.

JOAN: You guys were adorable.

HEATHER: Well, I'll
be damned. I am wearing

- a dress with cherries all over it.
- Mm-hmm.

- Lot of cherries.
- SAMANTHA: So cute.

Hey, I don't remember

being asked to submit any pictures.

I bet this is from before
we joined the family.

- Yeah.
- Oh, but there I am!

- HEATHER: Oh, look at.
- COLLEEN: Oh! I was so cute.

- Oh, that is cute. Look at your cheeks.
- Thanks.

- TIM: It's nice.
- JOAN: You're so adorable.

("Sarajevo" plays dramatically)

No, no, no. Oh, come on, Matt!

(LAUGHING): What?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Swing out, sister!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Kleenex are supposed

to symbolize snowflakes
falling from the sky.

Oh, wait. Here comes the blizzard.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(KISSES) Merry Christmas, you guys.

You, too, Matt.

(SONG ENDS DRAMATICALLY)

So I'm just not in this at all?