01x05 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Plug her in.

- Oh, yay!
- [EXCLAIMING, LAUGHING]

- All right. Wonderful.
- Yeah. Yeah!

Your old gazebo's looking
pretty good, huh, Hetty?

Indeed! Now, get some swans in the lake,

- Yeah.
- and a couple of giraffes at a dinner party...

It'll be the Gilded Age all over again.

They love it, Jay.

Woo-hoo! Two days of sanding,

three coats of paint, but the smiles

you claim to see on your
invisible friends' faces

make it all worthwhile.

Hey, should we hang some
Halloween decorations on it?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God, wait. Halloween?

Ghosts! This is your holiday.
You guys must love Halloween.

- [ALL GRUMBLING]
- Who's gonna tell her?

We hate Halloween.

What'd they say?

They don't like it.

Okay, that feels off brand.

All Hallows Eve mocks us

and belittles our very existence.

People putting sheets over their heads

and pretending to be "ghosts"?

I mean, what is that?

Plus, we can't do any of the
fun stuff that Livings do.

We can't dress up in
costumes, we can't eat candy...

Can't hook up with a sexy nurse.

Or a sexy kitten. Or sexy
Bobby Boucher from Waterboy.

I didn't think it was possible, either,

but this chick pulled it off.

Also, I d*ed on Halloween.

At a party at the mansion in .

This is a costume.

I'm actually an accountant
and my name is Mike.

Seriously?

No, I'm years old.

- Come on, Sam.
- [LAUGHS]

Oh, that was a good one.

Huh. Storyteller. [CLICKS TONGUE]
It's a gift.

Okay, I get that you
guys don't like Halloween.

But all the kids dressed
up... It's so cute.

Don't get us started on "kids."

Every year on Halloween,

my beloved Woodstone Mansion is defiled

by adolescent hooligans.

ALBERTA: [GROANS] They throw eggs,

put toilet paper in the trees...

Been going on for decades.

It's sort of a local tradition,

passed down from delinquent
father to delinquent son.

ISAAC: It's humiliating.

This is our home.

This is where we live.

And we're powerless to stop it.

- What's going on?
- The ghosts say there's a group of kids

that vandalize the house each Halloween.

Oh, no, no, no. Not on my watch, babe.

Guys, don't worry.

Of course... we have them.

We don't have to depend on

some useless old lady
to defend the house.

My great-great-granddaughter,
may she rest in peace.

That's right. This year we have Samantha

and her virile young husband.

They can do battle against
the wayward youths for us.

Jump out of tree, and bash their heads!

Oh, my God, no. Nobody's
doing battle with anybody.

Jay and I will talk to the kids.

JAY: They're probably
just messing with the house

'cause a creepy old lady lived there.

She was really creepy. That's true.

Again, my descendant.

Who just passed.

- We all were there.
- Mm. [SIGHS]

JAY: Ooh, pre-Halloween pics
are coming in on the 'Gram.

Yeah, there's gonna be
a lot of Carole Baskins

hooking up with Baby Yodas this year.

I know it's English, and
yet I gleaned nothing.

Aw, man. Some of our friends
are at a rooftop in Brooklyn.

Aw, somebody's got FOMO.

What is FOMO?

Oh, it's "fear of missing out."

Like if you're not invited
to a party or something.

Like when Mamie Fish
excluded me from her cotillion

because she knew I had
the more comely ankles.

SAMANTHA: Okay, I know we're
not in the city anymore.

But think of the positives:

This is our first
Halloween as homeowners.

We're getting trick-or-treaters.

And we're still the Step Brothers.

- Yeah, I guess it's cool.
- [LAUGHS]

- Who are the Step Brothers?
- SAMANTHA: It's from a movie.

We dress like this every year,

because it's cheap, it's comfortable,

and it doesn't sexually objectify me.

But that's the whole point of Halloween.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Our first trick-or-treaters.

Are you ready?

It's go time.

Trick or treat.

[GASPS] Aw.

He's a little Ghostbuster.

- A little what?
- What is ghostbuster?

Not now.

Oh, sorry, are we too early?

No, no, I was just trying to remember

when the Ghostbustersmovie came out

and it was not now, so
it must have been before.

[QUIETLY]: Nailed it, sweetie.

Uh, Ghostbuster, would
you like some candy?

Are you seriously not going to
tell us what a ghostbuster is?

- It's another movie.
- Classic Bill Murray.

He plays a scientist

who's trying to sleep
with Sigourney Weaver

and bust ghosts.

- [GASPING]
- Bust ghosts?

You want to bust me?

I bust you!

Okay, thanks for stopping
by, enjoy your Mounds.

Uh, Happy Halloween!

- Ghost thing?- Ghost thing.

Cool.

[GASPING]

Ooh! We should watch
Ghostbusterstonight.

You guys will love it, trust me.

Is there a Blockbuster around here?

We don't have time for
frivolous entertainment.

We must set up sentries.

An att*ck is nigh.

Okay, take it easy.

We should do shifts or something.

Some of you stand
around, keeping lookout,

while I watch a talkie with Trev.

Oh, you know what? I'll join you.

What? No! You guys are
the worst army ever.

PETE: I never saw it.

It came out the year before I d*ed,

but you know how it is...
between work and family

and getting sh*t in the
neck with an arrow...

Fine, fine.

But the rest of us will keep
watch and alert the Livings

- so they may confront our vandals.
- Mm.

Then bash them on the heads! [CHUCKLES]

Any chance you change your mind on that?

No?

Okay.

The enemies have arrived.

Jay, Isaac says the
enemies have arrived.

Enemies?

You mean these kids
out here on the bikes?

SAMANTHA: Come on!

It's the parents who are at fault.

Properly raised
children would be at home

or working in a factory.

That's the evil leader
Zack, his paramour Zoey,

and their very dumb third wheel Robbie.

Dude.

How do you know so
much about these kids?

Last year, they hung out

and split something
called a "hard lemonade."

And we listened in
on their conversation.

JAY: What's up, bro-hams?

Hey, you got some sick cykes, huh?

Thank you, sir.

- I'm sorry, what? Sir?
- Ouch.

Well, we just wanted
to introduce ourselves.

I'm Samantha, this is Jay.

And we're the owners of this house.

So, listen, like, whatever
happened in the past,

it's water under the bridge.

But let's just agree that it ends here.

Yeah, you know, we were actually
planning on egging the place,

but after seeing you guys,
and seeing how cool you are,

it just doesn't feel right anymore.

Hmm. This feels like a trap.

- Well, thank you.
- ZACK: Anyway, we'll be on our way.

Well, next time, pop on your helmets.

Cool kids wear lids.

They do! [CHUCKLES] Keep it a hundo.

They seem really nice.

Very. See, Isaac? No need for w*r.

att*ck!

- Egg w*r!
- Get 'em!

Hey! What? Whoa! What... No!

- SAMANTHA: That's not fair!
- How do you like that, bro-ham?

[ZACK LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

I hate to say "I told you so."

Wait, no, it's actually
quite satisfying.

This is just great.

Our friends are partying on rooftops,

and we're being egged by
the cast of Stranger Things.

We have to do something.

Those kids can't get away with that.

Do something? It's over.

We've just got to get
cleaned up and move on.

Wait, no. Samantha is right.

There must be accountability.

Without repercussions, these
children will never learn.

The ghosts agree. The
kids need consequences.

Come on, babe. What do they know?

Well, for one thing, we were parents.

Well, they were all parents.

SASAPPIS: I'm definitely not a parent.

I don't know why I said "definitely."

I mean, I had sex during my life.

We just have also been around
for such a very long time,

we have observed what
works and what doesn't work

with regard to disciplining children.

So what do you think we should do?

I just told you I think
we should let it go.

I was actually asking the ghosts.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

They've been around forever.

We should take advantage of this.

It's like a wise council of elders.

times. I had sex times.

A number so specific it'd
be impossible to make up.

You know what I would
do, if I were alive

and the telephone had been invented:

- call their mommies.
- HETTY: Yes.

Zack's last name is
Ekenrod if that helps.

His mother is Meg. She works
at a place called Applebee's

as some sort of wench.

They're saying we
should call Zack's mom.

They want us to narc?
Mm-mm. Snitches get stitches.

You're only gonna antagonize him.

Or correct his behavior.

[SIGHS]

Okay, do people think I'm
lying about the sex thing?

'Cause I'm really not lying.

THORFINN: Don't worry.

I know you tell truth.

As ghost I watch you many times.

Thank you. Wait, what?

ALBERTA: Pause the movie, Trev.

- Pause the movie.
- [TREVOR STRAINING]

Paused. Whew.

What the H-E-double hockey
sticks is this movie?

People rounding up ghosts,

keeping them in some contraption.

For what? Till when?

I thought Venkman was a hero.

He's no hero, he's a w*r criminal.

Poor Slimer's just trying
to live his afterlife,

eating leftover room service
that no one even wants.

And then they vacuum him up
into this tiny little box?

I don't remember it
being this disturbing.

Well, you were a Living
when you watched it last.

This is a whole new perspective.

Also, why the hell are they all green?

Were they green in life?

I mean, what d*ed and made that ghost?

JAY: Look, we're not trying
to get anyone in trouble.

But we didn't want to just let it go.

Tell her to deny him supper.

Tell her to do Blood Eagle;
tear out ribs and lungs.

Zack, apologize to them.

Fine. I'm sorry.

It wasn't nice,

and I won't do it again.

SAMANTHA: Thank you, Zack.

Apology accepted.

All right, let's go.

[GASPING]

- Well, that was subtle.
- It wasn't great.

I told you we were gonna
antagonize the little psychopath.

Maybe he was just messing with us.

Blood Eagle get out truth.

Or fake confession.
Either way it's still fun.

Troops, we all saw
the threatening gesture

made by young Zack. [SCOFFS]

It doesn't take a m*llitary
genius, which I am,

to know that we must be
on guard for a new att*ck.

We must spread out.

Vast territory to defend.

ISAAC: Yes, that is the rub.

But where?

Where will these
rapscallions strike next?

Well, I can tell you an obvious target.

- We're sitting in it.
- [GASPS]

Sasappis is right.
This recently restored

grand structure, all lit
up, it's begging to be hit.

Yes, that's right.

We must tell Samantha to turn
these lights off immediately.

This place is a sitting duck.

Thorfinn turn off lights. Easy.

Very good.

[STRAINING]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [CRYING OUT]

Gadzooks, what have you done?!

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Uh-oh.

If anyone has a water
power they're sitting on,

now would be a good time to use it.

Oh, this isn't good. They
worked forever on this.

I watched Jay sand for hours,
getting sweatier and sweatier...

Maybe they won't notice.

The Livings are not going to be happy.

Well, the good news is there's
nothing they can really do.

We're ghosts. We're impervious
to their worldly punishments.

They could take away our TV.

- [GASPS]
- Wait, no.

But there's a new season of The Bakeoff.

No! No, no, no, no! Our gazebo!

- JAY: Oh, my God.
- What happened? Did anybody see anything?

Is actually funny story.

It was the kids.

- The kids did it.
- JAY: I got this.

And that's-that's what happened,
and that's what we all saw.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

What? What's going on?

They're saying they saw those
kids burn down the gazebo.

I-I can't believe this.

Oh, my God, that kid
really follows through

on a thr*at, doesn't he?

The tiny fiends approached
with malice in their eyes,

their torches held aloft.

They had torches?

Those tiny wooden torches.

Matches, I believe you call them.

Yes, that's the word I was looking for.

Damn my female brain.

This doesn't make any sense.

I mean, they egg, they TP, but arson?

- This is a major escalation.
- ISAAC: And yet it happened.

As sad a comment on today's
youth though that may be.

We're gonna have to call the cops.

This is officially the
worst Halloween ever.

Fine! I get it.

I took you away from
all those fun parties,

and then I called that kid's mommy,

and now we have no gazebo,
and it's all my fault.

I'm sorry, Jay.

[SIGHS]

Man, I can't believe kids are
capable of this sort of thing.

Didn't kids m*rder you?

That was an accident,
I... I'm pretty sure.

OFFICER: Well, we talked
to the kids, and...

they denied everything.

The kid made a weird
throat slash gesture,

and an hour later,
the gazebo b*rned down.

Isn't that pretty damning?

She'd have made a great lawyer

had she not gone into
journalism or been born a woman.

OFFICER: Okay, look,
this is a small town.

We know these kids, and
frankly, they're bad news.

Nothing like arson before,
but maybe they just snapped.

They did say that you
called their mommies.

Listen, what's gonna
happen to these kids?

Eh, we're looking at fines,

maybe community service.

They'll definitely kick
Zack off the basketball team.

Yeah, what these kids
really b*rned down tonight

was any hope for a bright future.

Oh, boy.

- Keep it together, man.
- Have you noticed any other

suspicious activity around the house?

Mm... no.

Well, would you mind
showing us to the, uh,

uh, uh... the gazebo?

Sure.

You couldn't remember "gazebo"?

Well, all's well that ends well.

And, oh, God, I believe it's Sunday.

Pete, I think it's time for Food Club.

HETTY: Oh, where did
we leave off last week?

Thor was talking about cod.

Oh, yes, you're right. Absolutely.

- It was quite a cliffhanger, if I recall.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Not so fast. [SNIFFS]

Something doesn't smell right here.

I think everything
smells perfectly fine.

Thorfinn, sounds like those
kids are in a lot of trouble.

Do you think they deserve it?

Well, I mean...

- Of course he thinks they deserve it.
- I didn't ask you.

Spill it, iceberg.
What are you sitting on?

Okay! Kids didn't do it. I did.

- What?
- Good God, man,

- that's all it took?
- How did you know?

You date a two-timing
bootlegger for five years,

- you learn to tell when someone's lying.
- It was an accident.

Also, Isaac lie.

Hetty and Sass went along.

Sorry.

Law of the sea.

The ship goes down, we all perish.

Well, we have to tell Sam.

Look, maybe these kids didn't
commit this particular offense,

but they have been terrorizing
Woodstone Mansion for years.

We can't just frame them.

- This goes against everything I stand for.
- Oh, really, Pete?

Because from where I'm
sitting, I see a man

who for the past
years has blathered on

about his "troop," and
things like loyalty.

I mean, you literally
have a loyalty badge.

- So?
- So we're your troop now.

Your loyalty lies with us.

So what's it gonna be, Pete,
the ghosts or the Livings, hmm?

Trevor, back us up.

I stand with Pete.

Wait, what? But Pete's
on the side of good.

I mean, the other side.

We spend our days complaining
about how Halloween

makes us out to be evil,

and movies paint us to be the villains.

But if we let some kids take the fall

for something that we did,

then aren't we exactly
what they say we are?

And don't we deserve to be busted?

ALBERTA: Oh, amen.

ISAAC: Really?

He's the one doing the right thing?

I really do feel bad now.

Are you slow-clapping your own speech?

You're damn right I am. They
haven't seen an ' s movie,

and you didn't start it, so I have to.

[LAUGHING, CHEERING]

That's weird.

There's some charred wood over there.

Is that part of the gazebo?

Why would they drag it over there?

Oh, no, no, no. That's our canoe.

Yeah, yeah, we dragged
it up from the lake.

Hold up. You're the folks
that b*rned down the canoe

a few weeks ago.

I didn't get a good look at you.

Well, here we are.

And now you're claiming that some kids

b*rned down your gazebo?

Okay, it doesn't look great.

- Yeah, but we're not arsonists.
- No.

Although if we were
arsonists, we would definitely

deny being arsonists.

'Cause that would... I'm
not gonna talk anymore.

Why would we burn down our own gazebo?

Why would you burn down your own canoe?

- We had zero to do with this.
- Zero.

- This was % those kids.
- It was the kids.

And frankly, we're a little offended

that you would even accuse
us of something so heinous.

A quick word if I may, Samantha.

It wasn't the kids. We lied.

We b*rned down the gazebo.

So, okay, carry on.

Although actually, it may
not have been the kids.

What?

Yeah, it's sort of coming to me
now. Gosh, this is embarrassing.

Ma'am, what's going on?

I had a cigarette earlier.

I recently started smoking again.

And I thought I put it out,

but now that I'm
thinking about it again,

maybe it wasn't completely out.

And you just remembered this now?

I didn't want Jay to find out.

And, uh, then the lies just
sort of started piling up

on top of each other, and
then he called you guys.

Okay, Jim, I think we
should wrap this up.

Ma'am, if you have any other problems,

please lose our number.

That's more than fair. Thank you.

- Sorry.
- You're smoking?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Jay, the ghosts b*rned down the gazebo.

What do you mean the
ghosts b*rned it down? How?

I don't know, but they
are in big trouble.

W-Well, what, can they sh**t
lasers out of their eyes?

That would be so cool.

I mean terrifying, but so cool!

Samantha, we want you to know that

- we just feel terrible.
- ISAAC: Yes.

And we would like to
take this opportunity

to formally apologize
for this evening's, um,

you know what, let's call
them missteps, shall we?

Because I think we all
learned a very valuable les...

- Shut it, Isaac.
- Ooh. Yep.

Tonight was unacceptable.

You guys destroyed our
property, then lied about it,

then tried to get children arrested.

You're no wise council of elders.

You know what they are?

They're the children in this scenario.

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Nuh-uh! It was Thor. He started it.

PETE: Just so you know,
not all of us were to blame.

I gave a big speech about
doing the right thing.

- It was very moving.
- Mm-hmm.

Someone started a slow-clap.

I don't want to hear it.

JAY: You know what children need

when they do something wrong, babe?

You give 'em consequences.

That's true, Jay. I like that.

Small man using our
own words against us.

Not loving where this is headed.

No TV, one week.

- [ALL GASP]
- But The Bakeoff!

- Oh, no!
- All of us?!

- It's football season.
- Come on!

- [OTHERS PROTESTING]
- You guys did this. Come on!

What's the latest?

Ooh, they left the rooftop,

and now they're at a warehouse party

in the Meatpacking District.

Oh, sounds fun.

[YAWNS] Yeah. We would've crushed that.

Well, without storming off or
yelling and in all sincerity,

I'm sorry you had a lame Halloween.

Yeah, that's the thing, I didn't.

What do you mean?

Um, our gazebo got b*rned down by ghosts

on Halloween, in front
of our haunted house.

We by far had the coolest
Halloween of all our friends.

Really?

Yeah. When we first
moved here from New York,

I thought our lives were gonna be boring

and slow, but after tonight,

turns out they're gonna be anything but.

You're okay stuck out
here alone with me?

Hell yeah. You're all I need.

You're my stepbrother.

SAMANTHA: No, you're my stepbrother.

HETTY: Well, this is just disturbing.

ALBERTA: Didn't you marry your cousin?

So, how are the ghosts
taking their punishment?

They're not loving it.

Yeah, I wasn't stoked on no TV either,

but it's kind of peaceful.

- This is so unfair!
- Oh, come on!

We did nothing wrong!

I think they've learned their lesson.

Mm-mm, stay strong.

Maybe we just put on
something educational.

[ALL PROTESTING, CLAMORING]