03x13 - Therapy Cheating Shoes Movie

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mom-Mom.

Uh, Clem comes to you
for therapy, right?

Sweetheart, I can't
reveal who my patients are.

- Hey, Tyler.
- Hi.

Uh, Joan, I'm ready for therapy.

Okay.

I still acknowledge nothing.

You have to help me out.

Splitting up was a huge mistake.

I love Clementine, and
I just want her back.

Tell her.

I... I say that

as your grandmother,

not as her therapist,

- which I may or may not be.
- I can't.

I need to know if she
still feels the same way

before I open up.

Don't you think it's worth a gamble?

I say that not as your grandmother,

but as a gambler.

Uh... (SIGHS)

JOHN: Psst.

I know how to solve your problem.

Just go take a good pee.

What's the difference between
a good pee and a bad pee?

Well, if you have to ask,
you're one of the lucky ones.

Just go to the bathroom.

I don't need to go.

You millennials think

you always know everything.

If I tell you to go to the bathroom,

go to the bathroom.

Well, you've been talking so long

- that I kind of do have to go.
- Mm-hmm.

JOAN: I know you're
holding so much inside you.

Can you let it out?

(CLEMENTINE SIGHS)

See if you can let it out, honey.

(SIGHS)

I'm still struggling with our breakup.

Tyler is my best friend.

He's just so sweet and sensitive.

Yes, dear. No matter what,

you always keep a soft
spot for your first love.

Mine was a w*r criminal,

and I still smile
when I think about him.

Was he nice?

No, dear. He was a w*r criminal.

Oh. The one that got away.

- No, he was hanged.
- Oh.

As a w*r criminal.

Oh, but we had fun.

That's what I want.

I want to have fun, but every time

I think I'm ready to
move on from Tyler, I...

catch a glimpse of him
without his shirt on.

His body is so milky white and...

he's got these two new chest hairs.

Like little sexy spider
legs waving hello.

Wait till she sees number three.

(LAUGHING) Nobody got me a beer?

How come I didn't get a beer?

No, I don't want it.

HEATHER: Oh, Tim. See, look at Tyler.

That's the same color white
that I want my teeth to be.

Oh, sorry. I was just lifting,

and now my shirt won't fit, so...

Why are your nipples so hard?

Doesn't that hurt?

- Uh...
- Oh!

Tyler.

Here's an afghan.

Uh, am I still allowed
to call it an afghan?

Joan, could I talk to you
in your office for a second?

- Sure.
- Uh, maybe

you should do that someplace else.

Maybe someone goes in there to fart.

SOPHIA: Dad.

(GROANS)

Oh.

I cannot believe that you
told Tyler what I said.

What happened to
doctor-patient confederacy?

Honey, I would never tell anything

you told me as a patient.

What, so it's just a
coincidence that Tyler decided

to show up without his shirt on?

God, you're so lucky
you're related to him.

You can probably resist it.

Yeah.

I don't know how to explain it.

He-he just came without his shirt.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(TOILET WHIRRING)

Tyler?

Someone's in here.

You know what, I still can't understand

how Tyler overheard my therapy session.

Well, I told him to go pee.

You can hear through the vent.

You can hear my sessions
through the vent?

- Yeah, uh, because I knew you
couldn't tell Tyler about - (GASPS)

Tangerine's feelings,
so I did it for you.

Because we have that unspoken agreement.

What agreement?

Well, the one where you won't do things

that are against the
rules, so I do 'em for you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The perfect crime.

Honey, I know this is
strange, but I need you to go

into the bathroom and stay there.

Oh. I've gotten this request before.

Oh. We've got a lot of ground to cover.

Oh. Here's the problem,
Mom-Mom. Your computer was off.

Oh. "Off" buttons.

- Hmm.
- Honey, while I have you, dear,

are you still in love with Clementine?

I think you know the answer to that.

I'd like to hear you say it.

Why? That's weird.

Say it, damn it.

I love her. I love her so much.

And you realize that you
made a horrendous mistake

and that you wish you
could take it all back?

Say it.

Don't make me pinch you.

Okay! It was the worst mistake
of my life. I'm so stupid.

I'm an idiot. I'm a stupid idiot.

My dad and all my high
school friends were right.

She was too good for me.
And now I'm gonna die alone,

and she's gonna have a
million babies without me!

All right, all right, all
right. We-we got the gist.

Why are you being so mean?

I, uh...

I really thought she'd be here by now.

Who? Samantha? I wasn't doing anything.

Tyler...

I love you, too.

(PANTING)

Not on the desk!

_

Tim! Tim, you got another ticket?

Impossible. I am nothing if
not an incredibly safe driver.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah.

(SCOFFS) You always have
to tell me if you have proof

before you accuse me.

Then that way, I don't
have to lie to you.

Come on, babe, we've talked about this.

We are already on my
parents' car insurance, babe.

There is nowhere for
us to go after this.

Relax. I'll do Internet traffic school.

And like everything I do online,

I'll bang it out in two seconds.

MERGIN: Well parked, young wizard!

On to the next magical lesson!

Oh, I hate this.

Why is this traffic
school wizard-themed?

Everybody knows wizards
don't drive; they ride eagles!

How many wands away from the
curb shall ye park your chariot?

- In inches?
- How am I supposed to know?

I only learned it in wands!

It's inches.

That's as good a guess as any.

(TYPES)

Hey, you were right! Who told you that?

Mergin the Driving Wizard.
Aren't you listening?

He said it when he brought that
motorcycle rider back to life.

Hey, you know what?

If you can finish this test for me,

I just might be able
to turn Tyler's old car

into Sam's new car.

What's Tyler going to use?

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)
He's got nowhere to go.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah.

Okay, Soph, enough with the slime.

You got to get going on your homework.

I'm having Beverly do it for me.

She's desperate for my approval,

and I'm embarrassed how
much I've been withholding.

Sweetie, you can't do
that. You can't just pawn

your work off on someone else.

That's what you'd think,
but I saw Sam taking

Dad's driving test for him,
so I figured anything goes.

(LAUGHS): Okay, honey, your
dad would never do that.

Of course I did that.

- Oh, Tim!
- All right, no one

actually knows where a
wizard gets his power from.

So I guess we're gonna have to
go to the dark web to find out.

I can't believe that you are teaching

our daughter it's okay to cheat.

Well, you cheat all the time!

- What?
- Dad's just

teaching me about priorities.

Don't forget about bribery, too.

Okay, you know what, no.

Sam, we're hypocrites, okay?

But you're-you're better than that.

You're a good kid. I know
this! I read it in your diary.

You read my diary?

Yes. Because we are
terrible people, okay?

But it's not too late for you.

And you were right, Sam.

Everything can
change over the summer.

- Mm.
- Oh, my God.

Samantha cheated, and there were no...

Thank you... no consequences.
She's just way too young

to give up on having morals.

So I guess we're done talking

about my grandmother's diagnosis then.

Heather, it's not too late
to teach Samantha a lesson.

When I was a kid, I
used to swap price tags

to get things cheaper.

Oh, honey, I know. But
don't feel bad about that.

You grew up in a different world.

I grew up in a gated community.

- Oh.
- I just liked the thrill

of stealing things. So
my mom had my neighbor

dress up like a cop
to scare me straight.

But don't you still swap price tags?

Yes, but only because,

on his way over to scare me,

a drug dealer thought my
neighbor was a real cop

and just sh*t him dead. Yeah.

But I really think the
plan would have worked.

Mom, my life is over!

What happened, sweetie?

Ten bucks says she's pregnant.

I got an e-mail from the DMV.

Oh, did you? Hmm.

I wonder what that said.

They found out I took
Dad's traffic test for him

and said I can't get
my license until I'm .

Mm. Wow, that's tough.

I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

- I did.
- Good.

I went right to the DMV to apologize.

You went to the what now?

I had to explain what happened.

- Oh...
- I told them that Dad bribed me

to take his traffic test for him.

Oh, Samantha, I wish you
wouldn't have done that.

The e-mail was from me!

You tricked me?

Yes! Because I wanted to
teach you a valuable lesson!

Well, I guess that explains
why the DMV can't spell

- the word "parallel."
- Heather!

Heather, I just got
an e-mail from the DMV.

They found out somehow that
Samantha took the test for me,

and now they're suspending my license!

Don't worry, Dad, that was
probably a fake e-mail from Mom.

She's pathological.

Heather, please tell me
that e-mail was from you.

(GROANS)

Oh, Heather!

_

GREG: Hey, guys,

check out these vintage Jordans
I got for my big job interview.

I heard the CEO collects these.

- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.

No touch, okay? They're still mint.

Yeah, I outbid a -year-old
from Bel Air for these things.

Are those the shoes you wanted
to put in our china cabinet?

Yeah. But then I realized

you don't put shoes in a china cabinet.

You know, this behavior
would be understandable

if there was any reason for it.

Well, he's just trying to
make up for not being cool

in high school. I
think it's kind of cute.

As long as I can ignore the fact

that he spent our
vacation money on them.

- He-he was cool in high school.
- (GROANS)

Yeah, you slayed, baby. You slayed.

Eh, not so much, Ma.

I was kind of an embarrassment.

I mean, that's why Matt
wouldn't even drive me to school.

Uh, I drove you to school.

No, you didn't. You said I didn't meet

the height requirement.

- Ah...
- The point is,

it took me a long time to get over

the years of your neglect,

but...

I'm over it.

Totes over it.

(KNOCKS ON TABLE)

Over it!

Oh, man!

Get in.

Yes, you.

I feel bad about not
driving you to school,

so I'm taking you to that interview.

You're gonna give me a
ride in Blue Ferrigno?

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- Man, that sound!

It's just like I used
to hear from my bedroom

- after you would lock me in it.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, man.

Th-This is exactly how
I imagined this would be.

I got to be honest with you, one
of the reasons I didn't take you

to school is because I didn't always go.

- What?
- I'd skip school.

I'd drive around in this bad boy

and pick up on the junior
college transfer girls.

Wow.

Hey, I got to ask.

- I mean, s-since we're talking about it.
- Hmm?

How many girls have you been with?

Oh, I'm not telling you.

What? No, come on!

(CHUCKLES): No, I'm not gonna tell you.

It's lame to talk about. I don't...

All right, w-well, fine.

Just, uh... just honk

- how many times.
- (LAUGHS)

Come on, just do it, just do it.

- Uh, uh...
- Code.

Bro code.

Uh-huh.

- (HONKS TWICE)
- Ah.

- Uh-huh. Oh.
- (CONTINUES HONKING)

I'm gonna need two horns for this one.

- (HONKS TWICE)
- What?

(HONKING RAPIDLY)

Okay. (STAMMERS) Stop honking.

Okay. I'm sorry. I was done anyway.

- And then there was college. (HONKS)
- That was before college?!

Why? How many have you had?

- Let's just listen to music, shall we?
- No, no, no!

Don't turn on the radio!

It'll short out the...

(GROANING)

- (ENGINE SPUTTERING)
- (MATT GROANS)

(GROANS)

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, man!

Another driver canceled.

Great. And now I'm gonna
be late for my interview.

Well, it's, like, ten
minutes away. Let's walk.

No, I can't walk in these shoes.

What?

They're mint!

Do you know how much wear and tear

ten minutes would do to these?

They would plummet from "new in the box"

down to "very, very good."

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Well...

What are you doing? Dude, what are
you doing? What are you... really?

Will you give me a piggyback ride?

- No! (STAMMERS)
- Come on.

Just give me... step away from the curb.

Get off of me.

Do I really have to hold your hand?

Yeah, these seat covers are slippery.

Why don't you just take the Jordans off?

Well, because they make
me feel good, you know.

Not everybody has the same
number of honks as you do.

Oh, life isn't all
about the honks, Gregory.

And, besides, you probably got
a couple little beeps in there.

- Right? Yeah.
- Eh, well...

Man, you're lucky you weren't in my car.

You actually went to class, and
you became this guy, you know?

This guy who's gonna go get this job.

Are you saying I'm cool?

Well, you're wearing my
seat beads on your feet.

Yeah.

Looks like we made it.

Hey, Matt, thanks again.

Yeah.

I'm gonna make you proud.

Aw, Greg,

man, you already have.

Dude!

Oh!

Dude!

You did that on purpose!

What?! No, I didn't! I'm sorry!

It's not my fault you
don't have any balance!

Oh, forget it, man!

I can't go in there now!

No shoe company's gonna
hire me looking like this!

(SIGHS)

Well, now it makes sense.

(SIGHS)

_

Yeah.

JOHN: Was that great or what?

- An old-fashioned movie night.
- Yeah.

Oh, it really brings me back
to when the kids were little.

Yeah, I remember that. You
would set us up with a movie

and then go upstairs and fold laundry.

Yeah, that's what was going on.

HEATHER: You know what?

I think that we should
do this every week.

- SAMANTHA: Yeah.
- COLLEEN: Oh, yay.

SOPHIA: That'd be fun.

No, but-but-but-but she
meant instead of brunch.

We can do both.

We already do, because technically,

brunch is both breakfast and lunch.

Right, so we'll see you tomorrow.

Now we've got a weekly
brunch and a movie night?

We were just here eight hours ago.

We didn't even bother to take Lark

out of her car seat last night.

It's too much.

- Is that the right answer?
- I mean, don't you think, Tim?

I'm gonna wait to see how you react

to her answer before I answer.

I have literally seen conjoined twins

spend less time together
than this family.

Yeah, now that I've seen
your reaction, it's sickening.

Yeah, but isn't it,
isn't it kind of sweet

how much they love each other?

Because I don't think it is.

- No. No.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.

- You know what this is about?
It's about boundaries. - Mm-hmm.

Because if we don't fight this now,

we're gonna be over
here every single night,

- and we're not even blood-related.
- Oh.

I think they're the in-laws,

- we are the out-laws.
- (GASPS)

- Yeah. And we don't play...
- Yeah.

- by their rules; we make our own rules.
- Yeah. That's right.

- Rule number one: no rules.
- Okay.

- Rule number two: be courteous.
- Sure.

Rule number three: elections.

- Hmm.
- Election rule number one:

no rules. Election rule number two:

- contesting elections. Now...
- Okay. I don't know.

I just don't want to be
the bad guy and not show up.

But no one will be the bad guy
if we present a united front.

- Uh-huh.
- We are going to take a stand

- together. Who is with me?
- (GASPS)

- That's you guys. You guys are with me.
- Oh.

- Do it again, do it again.
- Uh, who's with me?

- Yeah!
- We are!

Good.

- One, two, three...
- (WHOOPS)

- Outlaws! - Girls!
- Outlaws!

JOHN: All right, everyone,
movie night in four minutes.

They're making a serious
stand by not coming.

Yeah, I know it.

But, you know, we have
to support our spouses.

Right. But, just to be clear,

if-if Mom asks, we are
telling her the truth, right?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Where's Jen?

- She, uh, has a headache.
- Yeah, Tim, too.

Yeah, he was chasing a street sweeper

because he thought

it was an ice cream truck
and then the lights just...

(POPS) set off a migraine.

Uh, and Colleen?

I guess she's sick as well?

Actually, Mom, she
decided to stay home...

to celebrate the Mexican
holiday of Adidas.

"Surround yourself with loved ones,

for someday they might be gone."

- No. - MAN (ON TV): Next,
on A Little Off The Nose.

- That's the same girl?
- (PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: I don't even recognize myself.

Oh. Hi.

COLLEEN: Jen, I'm worried that

if we don't go to movie night,

John and Joan will die.

John and Joan, or John or Joan?

I just got into this family.
Okay? They like me still.

Plus, it's really good
to have a white family

as a character witness.

Hey. How about this?

We could spend our
Saturday night together.

You could come over, hang out,

sit on the floor with
Lark, play with her.

I could come in and check on you.

So, like, babysit?

Well, no, you-you pay a babysitter.

But just-just stay united.

Okay, fine.

I don't trust this bitch.

Mm?

Hi.

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.

- Nowhere, huh?
- Nope.

- I was just going to the horse show.
- Mmm.

She was going to movie night!

And you came over to stop her?

Well, kind of. She
called, said something

about Chinese food, so I just
hung up and rushed over here.

Dumpling House won't
deliver to me anymore.

The story is long.

You want to hear it?

No.

(GROANING)

Oh, this is so stupid, you guys.

We're doing the same thing here

that we would be doing over there.

Okay, you're right. Let's go over.

No. We are not going over.

It's the principle, okay?

It is weird that I spend more time

with them than I do my own family.

Why don't you spend more
time with your family?

Because the Shorts are
better than my family.

They enjoy

each other's company,

they forgive each other
without holding grudges.

When they ask how your
day was, it's not a trap.

It's all very dysfunctional.

I am understanding so
much more about you now.

No, you're not.

Okay, I'm not.

We need to take a vote.

Allow me to recap the voting rules.

Rule number one: no rules.

- Rule number two...
- Wait. Look-look-look.

- We're just gonna stay here.
- Okay.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

We're gonna drink some
wine, we're gonna hunker down

for the night. It's gonna be so fun.

Okay.

Sorry, I ate all the noodles.

(SIGHS)

She's been in there
kind of a long time, huh?

Maybe she took all her clothes
off to go to the bathroom.

It's just taking a long
time to put them back on.

Some people do that.

Colleen?

You wearing clothes?

Oh, come on. Ugh.

She went out the window.

Do you believe that, Tim?

Tim?

It's like when I was
robbin' convenience stores.

(SOBBING): I love him so much.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- COLLEEN: Hi!

Sorry, I locked myself in my own car

in the driveway... oops.

Well, good, you made it.

Yes, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Feliz Adidas, Colleen.

- Say gracias.
- Gracias.

- Yup.
- TIM: Oh!

You guys'll never guess what happened.

I was cooking myself
this really healthy meal

of fruits and vegetables
and whole grains and...

Nobody cares. Sit down.

- Okay.
- HEATHER: Hey, babe.

- Aw.
- Hi, babe.

- I'm so glad that you're here.
- Oh.

- Oh, you smell like Chinese food.
- Shh.

I guess, uh, Jen still has a headache.

That's too bad.

Movie's starting. Everybody shut up.

NICOLAS CAGE (ON TV): Lookee
here, young sportsman.

That there's the kitchen area,

where Ma and Pa chow down.

This here's the TV.
Two hours a day maximum,

either-either educational

or football so as, you know,

you don't ruin your appreciation

of the finer things.

(BABY CRIES ON TV)

NICOLAS CAGE: What, are you kidding?

- We got us a family here.
- Hi.

Hi, Mommy!

I said shut up.

Okay.

I'm glad your headache is gone.

I realized headaches aren't so bad,

even if they're twice a week.

He's a little outlaw.

Outlaws!

I said no talking. Now I got to rewind

the VHS, and it's gonna

take about minutes.

(ALL GROANING)

- Well, should we play a game?
- HEATHER: Ooh!

Or should we have a
separate game night for that?

- Yes!
- (KIDS CHEERING)

- We could host it at our place.
- HEATHER: Oh, great!