03x16 - Pageant Bike Animals Jerky

[bunniefuu]

COLLEEN: Hi!

Thank you for watching
Lark. It's so nice we can

trust you with her now that she doesn't

have soft spots in her skull.

We had so much fun.

Lark, come show Mommy.

Boom. Aunt Colleen fixed me.

Now I'm pretty.

Wha... but-but you're also
pretty in your brain, too.

Right? Where it, where
it really matters.

(CHUCKLES)

Lark found one of my old pageant
gowns I had stored in the attic.

What-what was Lark doing in the attic?

I don't know. I asked
her, she wouldn't tell me.

Yeah. I forgot that
you used to do pageants.

- That's right.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

All right. Let's, uh,

let's get this dress off of you.

- Oh.
- Can I keep it?

Uh, it's "May I keep it?"

And the answer is no.

Well, of course she can keep
it. She looks great in it.

Who knows, Jen? You might have
a pageant star on your hands.

(CHUCKLES) We might.

Yeah.

She is beautiful, but
her real talent is math.

Right, Lark?

What's two plus two?

Green.

Spin around again. Show her.

(JEN CLEARS THROAT)

Look what I had to
peel off our daughter.

Oh.

Did I miss Lark's preschool prom?

No.

Colleen decided to dress up Lark

in one of her old pageant outfits.

Freaked me out so much,

I went and bought her a blazer

- and some smart slacks.
- What's the big deal?

Kids love playing dress-up
and so do some adults.

For the last time, Iron
Man and Wonder Woman

are never having sex, okay?

She's a natural-born superbeing,

and he is a rich mortal
with some high tech gadgets.

Okay. The fact that you even know that

only makes this fantasy more intense.

It's just weird of Colleen
to be dressing her up

in these girly costumes, you know?

I think I need to say something to her.

I really don't think
you should. All right?

I mean, Matt and Colleen,
they're having trouble

getting pregnant, and look,
this is making her happy.

You know? Maybe you
should just let it go.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah.

I guess you're right.

Think of pimping out our
daughter as a mitzvah.

Aw, you used a Jewish word.

I did.

All right, go get the costume.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(QUIETLY): Cool.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Hi!
- Hi.

Oh...

Uh, wow, Colleen.

I wasn't expecting you.

Well, I couldn't help but notice

how much you loved seeing
Lark in my old dress.

I mean, your face was literally, like...

(LAUGHS): It was. It was
just literally like that.

I knew you caught pageant fever.

So, I brought over all these
outfits, so we can really see

what we're working with.

Mm.

Now, I have one question.

Can Lark twerk?

- No.
- (GROANS)

- But we tried, right?
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Well, if I can teach Joan
to twerk, I can teach anyone.

Is Lark sleeping?

Lark!

Time to wake up!

Okay. I'm practicing
my fake smile, right?

So when Colleen comes out,

even if Lark is spray-tanned,

I'm just gonna go like this:

"Look at you!"

What do you think?

Well, that's your brunch face.

- I know!
- COLLEEN: Come on, let's show Mommy.

(CHUCKLES) Wow!

Look at you!

I'm bringing sexy back.

Doesn't she look amazing?

If she got kidnapped right now,

the press would have a field day.

Uh, excuse me, did-did you put junk

- in our daughter's trunk?
- Yeah.

I had to pad her butt.

The judges really respond to curves.

Sorry, uh, what judges?

I signed Lark up for her first pageant.

Without asking me?

Well, with "us." She
should've asked us, right?

We can talk about that later.

You guys, don't worry. With my help,

this little girl is gonna rise

straight to the top. Which in this case,

is the basement of an airport Radisson.

I'm sorry, no. I-I'm...

- I have to put an end to this.
- No...

Enough. We're not entering
Lark into anything.

But why not?

Look how happy she is.

GREG: Yeah, but what does she know?

She's chewing on her eyelash.

COLLEEN: Oh. Horse hair

is completely edible.

I mean, it doesn't
matter, all animal hair is.

It's fine.

No, it's not fine. Okay?

I'm her mother, and it's not up to you.

So you and Matt can do
this to your own daughter.

Oh...

Hmm.

I, uh, I-I'm sorry.

I didn't, I didn't mean to...

No, no, no. It's fine. It's okay.

Come on, Lark. We got to get
you in a warm bath for an hour

so the butt glue will dissolve.

Hey.

Listen, I feel really bad
about the way that came out.

No. No, don't.

I overstepped.

It's just, we have been
trying so hard to have a kid

that it was really nice to be reminded

of what we're actually working toward.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, you know what?
Just because we don't

want Lark wearing a swimsuit
in a Radisson ballroom

doesn't mean you can't
still hang out with her.

Aw. It's a Radisson basement.

- Okay.
- And I love her so much.

Well, you can play with
her anytime you want.

I just hate that she's
never gonna get to do

the routine we practiced.

(SIGHS)

Yep.

Well, them's the breaks.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- I guess.

- Good lesson for her, you know.
- Uh-huh.

That you work hard at things and
sometimes, they don't pay off.

She just got so good at it.

Yeah, yeah. She's a little
Renaissance toddler. So...

And that baton was super expensive.

I had to overnight it...

- Mm-hmm.
- Which cost even more.

I don't know what
their return policy is,

- so then, I'm just like, out...
- Okay.

- Okay, fine. You win.
- that cash.

- (GIGGLES)
- But I am her manager,

so I have a few notes.

Okay. Now,

before we get started,

just a reminder:

do not look directly at Lark.

Because you are about
to see a star. (GIGGLES)

Does Colleen know that you
can look directly at stars?

Hit it, Matt.

♪ It's such a good vibration ♪

♪ It's such a sweet sensation ♪

♪ You're such a hot temptation... ♪

Yes.

(LAUGHS)

♪ It's such a sweet sensation ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ I got the wild ones,
hot ones, fly ones ♪

♪ Do or die ones, even
shy ones, up one, two... ♪

She looks like a very
successful drug dealer's wife.

Greg. She looks like a
very successful drug dealer.

♪ Halfway freaks, let's talk ♪

♪ Just can't shut off South Beach... ♪

She's doing it, Matt.

She's beautiful.

Oh, dear God, I hope we have a boy.

Oh, boys can do pageants, too.

♪ Sweet sensation. ♪

- Yay!
- Yes. Yes.

- Yeah, baby.
- Yay!

I did it!

_

It was a beach cruiser

with a wicker basket...
It was right there

in the driveway, then it was gone.

You know, it's such a
violation to be robbed.

It was a gift from my husband.

Don't you want to write this down?

Ma'am, I worked at
Fuddruckers for five years.

I don't need to write it down.

Right, okay, well then, dust
for prints, call for backup.

I just need to know that
when bad things happen,

somebody will step
up and do what's good.

Ma'am, I believe what
you're describing is Batman.

Oh, well, then call him.

That cop couldn't have
cared less about my bike.

She just gave up and then moved
on to some missing persons case.

All right. Let's find it on Craigslist.

- (SIGHS)
- How would a robber

describe your bike?

Like a sunset

after a week of rain.

It had a kind of energy to it.

- So we'll say pink.
- Perfect.

Okay, so you're gonna type
in the description here,

and then you're gonna
hit the search button

and it'll show you all the
bikes for sale in the area.

Oh. There's nothing there.

You didn't type anything.

Oh, I thought you were telling
the computer to do that.

No, no, you have to
hit the search button.

- Oh!
- (CHUCKLES)

Still nothing.

Mom, you didn't type anything;
you just hit the search button.

Yeah, that's what you said to do.

Since when does this qualify as brunch?

This is the third most
disappointing spread

I've ever seen.

The other two, you won't believe.

Number one: winter, , Lillehammer.

Where has Mom been?

I mean, it's so unlike
her to just ignore brunch.

Brussels sprouts were making
a real big noise on the scene.

JOAN: Matt!

Matt, Matt, Matt! I found it!

My bike! And it
was on Craigslist!

- Hey!
- A robber named Dale has it.

I'm gonna go get him.

Uh, Mom, you can't do that.

No, don't worry. I changed my identity.

I told him my name was Jen Short.

Like my wife, Jen Short?

I panicked. It was the first
name that I could think of.

So, Dad is all right with you

just meeting some
stranger off the Internet?

Oh, no. He can't know.

He told me to lock up the bike,
and I said, "You lock it up."

And then I was on a bit of a
high for the rest of the day

and I forgot all about it.

Okay, Mom, you can't go
do this all by yourself.

You don't know who this guy is.

This Dale could be some sort of weirdo

who likes to sniff
women's bikes or something.

Yeah, a real seat
freak. I know the type.

Well, you know, bring him on.

Because it's my bike and I'm gonna be

the only freak on that seat.

Okay, well, you're not going alone.

No, we're gonna go with you.

Oh. My boys.

Road trip. Shotgun!

(CHEERS)

Okay, here's the deal.

First, I appeal to the
robber's sense of humanity.

If that doesn't work,

I've got a sock filled
with D-batteries.

Hey, where's Tim?

Ugh, we forgot Tim.

So you guys didn't forget me,
you just stopped to get gas?

Yeah, man.

(MATT INHALES SHARPLY)

So, what's the deal here?

We gonna pay this guy or what?

Pay for my own bike?

No way, punk. That's
what I'm gonna call him.

Do you think that's rough enough?

You know, or, I could joke
about his mother's weight,

or I could say, you know,

how many times I've had my way with her.

And here's a picture of me on my
bike when I ran the LA Marathon.

Cute. Look,

you're gonna need to
give me some better proof

than some photos.

The serial number, maybe?

'Cause you can't just accuse
me of stealing your bike, Jen.

Why you got the cute
little pink bike, man?

Seem like more of a sexy motorcycle guy.

Thanks. I'm selling it for a friend.

Who? Your mother? She
has her own zip code.

- Mm.
- Ooh, easy, Ma.

His mom's easy.

- What?
- I want my bike.

Well, this bike? Is bucks.

So, you want to buy it or not?

Yeah. You win.

Wait.

If the reason you guys forgot me

is 'cause you were stopping to get gas,

then why did we stop for gas?

Tim, you are being paranoid, okay?

We did not leave you
at home intentionally.

I never said intentionally.

Will you take $ for it?

I'll go ask my friend.

- Take the bike.
- What?

Take the bike, we don't have much time.

You want us to steal it?

It's not stealing, it's mine!

Go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Oh, wow! I haven't felt this
high since the marijuana jam!

- (CHUCKLING)
- Where's Tim?

What? We forgot Tim!

(GROANS)

Thanks for letting me use your phone.

I'm sure they're just getting gas.

- (LINE RINGING)
- It's ringing.

Tell them to bring my $ or
they don't get you back.

Yeah, I think you're gonna
need a different approach.

_

HEATHER: Hey.

Is the coast clear?

Well, it depends on what you want to do.

(SCOFFS) I have a box of
Sophia's stuffed animals.

Ooh, are you gonna put them
on the couch and watch a movie?

No. I'm gonna give them to Goodwill.

She's letting you do that?

Oh, no. Babe, she has no idea.

I have been running
an underground railroad

out of her bedroom for months;
she hasn't even noticed.

It's time to pull the trigger.

- Yes. Tell you what.
- Yeah?

- I'll cover you to the garage.
- Oh.

Make sure the coast is clear. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Soph.

What's going on down here?

Nothing.

Okay, what's in the box?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Unicorns are mythical, not invisible.

Honey, you have thousands
of stuffed animals.

How many could you need?

How many children do you need?

- Oh...
- Get rid of Tyler. Then we'll talk.

Sophia.

Mom, you just don't
see them how I see them.

They may just be toys to
you, but they're real to me.

♪ You say it's time
to give away my toys ♪

♪ So I'll sleep alone ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm too young
to sleep with boys ♪

♪ But, Mom, please be nice ♪

♪ Only one or two have lice ♪

Ooh.

♪ I'm not ready to say good-bye... ♪

(LAUGHS)

♪ You and me go way back ♪

♪ It was the first trip to the zoo ♪

♪ I remember it well, walking
hand in hand with you ♪

♪ We saw zebras ♪

♪ Birds in a nest ♪

♪ A divorcée dad
just doing his best ♪

♪ The zoo was such a
sad and boring place ♪

♪ Till that gator bit
off some guy's face ♪

♪ Now he's a millionaire ♪

♪ But, Mom, can't you see ♪

Sophia.

♪ Each one holds a memory ♪

I know, but...

♪ I'm not ready to say good-bye ♪

♪ Ah, da-da, da-da-da-da ♪

♪ We're not ready to say good-bye ♪

No way, they can't stay.

Please don't throw them away.

♪ Oh, please don't
make us have to leave ♪

♪ Oh, I've been in your toilet ♪

♪ I deserve a reprieve ♪

- ♪ Oh, Mom, can't you see? ♪
- ♪ Bah, bum, bum, bum ♪

- ♪ Ah, they're my fuzzy coterie ♪
- ♪ Bah, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

- ♪ And they've been by my side ♪ -
♪ Bum, ba-bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

- ♪ I'm not ready to say good-bye
♪ - ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Ah, ya, da-da, da-da-da ♪

♪ We're not ready to say good-bye. ♪

No, no, no.

Oh, One-Eyed Bear.

♪ I remember that one night ♪

♪ When Sophia left you in my bed. ♪

And I was there.

♪ When Tim bought you a purse ♪

♪ And you promised to give him... ♪

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

That's why I ripped my eye out.

Maybe we'll just throw
this guy out. Hmm?

- What-what? No. Stop.
- ♪ And now it's time ♪

- ♪ To say good-bye. ♪
- Mom, you can't. Mom!

Where's Mr. Pickle?

Sophia, you have enough already.

But, Mom, I need him.

Why? Why do you need a talking pickle?

(SHOUTS, LAUGHS)

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Okay, technically my boyfriend ♪

♪ Yeah, we stay up all night ♪

♪ It's nuts ♪

♪ Get on the iPad and Google butts ♪

Ugh.

- ♪ Maybe I shouldn't rush ♪
- ♪ What's the rush? ♪

- ♪ To all the plush ♪
- ♪ All the plush ♪

- ♪ I remember when your appendix burst ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Mr. Pickle was the one ♪

- ♪ That you wanted first ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Yeah, he's always
been there by your side ♪

- ♪ So I'll stop from committing ♪
- Ow.

♪ This cutie-pie genocide ♪

- ♪ Oh, you're right ♪
- ♪ We're right ♪

- ♪ I can see ♪
- ♪ She can see ♪

♪ You're still making memories ♪

♪ You don't have to say good-bye ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da-da-da ♪

♪ We don't have to say ♪

♪ Good-bye. ♪

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

♪ So, now that Sophia's had her turn ♪

♪ I'll let out the fire
that in me burns, ah. ♪

Oh, yeah, that's nice,
honey. We're-we're done.

_

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

What is it you two are doing in here?

Every day, t*nk scratches at the door.

Is that jerky? Wait a minute.

What have you done with t*nk?

Uh, Pop-Pop, calm down.

We're just making beef jerky.

It's our new side business.

CLEMENTINE: Yeah, and don't worry.

No animals were harmed
in the making of this.

- To be clear, none of them lived.
- Hmm.

We're calling it Pop Pop's
Old Fashioned Plan Beef.

You recognize that guy?

We wanted a handsome face.

JOHN: Oh, look at me.

- I'm like Paul Newman.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Or that Wendy's gal.
What's her name? Uh...

You're famous, Pop-Pop.

Yeah, well, I don't want to be famous.

I want to be rich.
Uh, so, what's my cut?

- Your cut?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, we thought that you'd
let us use your face for free.

Oh, no, well, you thought wrong.

Hot looks cost money.

I want % of your profits.

So, we're drawing
salaries through our LLC,

so technically, we're
not making a profit.

Mm.

Let's make it %.

- Partners?
- (CHUCKLES)

Mmm. Now I know what
kombucha is. (CHUCKLES)

All this time I thought it
was a Japanese puppet show.

Uh, Pop-Pop, what're you doing here?

I'm here to move meat.

Hey, there. Try Pop Pop's
Old Fashioned Plan Beef.

Proven health benefits.

Stimulates hair growth.

Here, check out the results, huh?

Ma'am. Loosens you up if you're clogged,

- and it clogs you up if you're loose.
- Ugh.

Pop-Pop, you can't make
promises the beef can't keep.

Yeah. That's why we like to tell people

that it's not that good for
you, but it tastes really good.

And they respect that.

Wh-What good is their respect?

You want their money.

Uh, we want a product that is meaningful

and creates a dialogue
with our fellow humans.

You don't even sound like a human.

Hey, well, why don't
you just take a seat

and be the face of the company?

And let Clementine and me take the lead.

That coffee you made this morning

was seriously pretty good.

It, like, woke me up.

Aw. I love coffee.

What the hell are you two doing?

Oh, we're just enjoying
each other's company.

You have to like what you do, Pop-Pop,

- otherwise, it's not worth doing.
- Hmm.

You're not even looking
up at your customers.

That's right. They can tell

that we're so confident in our product,

we don't need to pressure them.

Well, that's crazy.

Selling is all about smoke and mirrors.

If you're good, you
can sell sex to a nun.

You just need a gimmick.

You got to listen to me.

Actually, we don't.

As majority shareholders,
we control the vote.

And we vote for you to
sit there and look good.

Well, I'm sick of being
treated like a piece of meat.

Beauty's a curse, t*nk.

Even though I'm scuba diving,

you can put a rain cloud above my head.

That's my inner mood.

Hey. Look what I stole for us, Tanky.

- (t*nk BARKS)
- No, not now.

My girl's got to turn
a trick for us first.

(LAUGHING): There we go.

There you go.

Cute.

She'll do anything for this jerky.

No, not me. The meat.

Me, I'm-I'm her sweetheart.

Maybe jerky isn't the next cupcake.

Maybe it's fruit leather.

Or maybe it's just more cupcakes.

What about a jerky-flavored cupcake?

I'm cashing out my share.

Good girl!

Paw Paw's Old Fashioned
Plan Beef, the only treat

you can share with your best friend.

- t*nk. Speak! (LAUGHS)
- (BARKS)

Good for dogs,

good for cats; who cares about birds?

Puts a shine on their coats,

freshens their breath
and it's birth control.

Are you selling our jerky to dogs?

Oh, we got a hit.

And I need more product.

How much you got left? Thank you.

Um, all of it.

You should have listened to
the old man, I guess. Huh?

Do you think you could maybe cut us in?

Sure, I'll give you a % stake.

Is that net or gross?

Well, if you can tell me the
difference, I'll give you %.

it is.

- Partners?
- Partners.

- Partners.
- (CHUCKLES)

Now, get out of here.
You're bad for business.

b*at it.

There you go. Thank you.

Got two more left!