03x19 - Hashtag TBT: House Destiny Introduction Retirement

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, well, we got
all the dinner fixings.

You want to cook at your place or mine?

Hmm. Well, your place has a
pot holder and a broken toaster,

and mine has a bipolar
roommate who wants to k*ll me.

Let's go out.

- (GASPS) Wait. Greg.
- What?

Look. My dream house.

It's for sale.

Well, we should go inside.

What? No. We can't just go in.

They'll know we're not,
like, house hunters.

Well, I wasn't a black belt when
I walked into that karate dojo.

But look at me now... I'm a yellow belt.

All right, let's do it.

And if we get att*cked
by a piece of scored wood,

I know you'll save
me on your second try.

JEN (GASPS): Oh, my God,

it's perfect.

Look, Greg... a fireplace
that we'll never use.

(CHUCKLES)

Eh? No, I like it.

You know, it's got a lot of nooks.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm a big nook guy.

Oh, man. Well, too bad we're years away

from making a move like this.

Well, I mean, I don't know, if
we pooled our money together,

I'm sure we could afford a down payment.

Yeah, but we're just dating.

I know we've been
together for a year, but...

I mean, aren't there,
like, three more steps

- before buying a house?
- Well, yeah,

if you follow the rules.

But you know me... I'm a rule breaker.

You saw me... I used the ladies'
room at the farmers market.

If you want something bad
enough, you got to go for it.

So are-are we actually
considering this?

I don't know. Are we?

- Let's say it at the same time.
- Okay.

- Ready? One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

- Let's do it.
- Yes. (GASPS)

- (LAUGHING)
- Don't you love it?

- We do. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.

We've been getting a lot
of offers, but the owners

only want to sell to a young
married couple like you.

Oh, we're not married.

No, but-but-but-but
we are engaged.

Right, Greg?

- Yes, Jen.
- Yes.

- We are.
- We are.

We are engaged to be a married couple,

and we would like to buy this home.

Jen, checkbook, please?

Yeah, that's not the way it works, Greg.

Okay.

Okay, so we have minutes

to convince the owners we're
the right buyers for this house.

That gives us some time
to work on our characters.

Or... or, or...

we're just engaged.

- Okay.
- Do you have the ring?

I do.

Ooh.

Wow!

Ooh, it's so pretty.

It's just a crappy little
thing that I picked up

at the farmers market while
you were stealing grapes.

I wasn't stealing. I
was sampling the grapes.

You know, they want you
to do that so you buy them.

- Yeah, but you didn't buy them.
- Well, no, I was too full of grapes.

Okay, here are the
owners. Turn on the charm

- and speak loudly.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you two newlyweds
looking at this house, too?

(JEN LAUGHING)

You must be Jerry and Marlene.

We just put an offer in
on your beautiful home.

We are the happily engaged
couple, Greg and Jen.

Oh, my, what a stunner.

Me or the ring?

(LAUGHTER)

You know, we built this house in

when we were newlyweds.

MARLENE: And back then,

the street was dirt.

What? Can you imagine? Dirt?

Our nation's greatest natural resource.

(CHUCKLES): Oh.

I have a good feeling about these two.

MARLENE: Yes, I do, too.

Maybe it's because I've always wanted

to sell our home to two
nice young Lutherans.

(CHUCKLES)

JEN: Can you believe
it? We got our house.

And we can stop
pretending to be engaged.

Although it was fun.

Well, who says that the fun has to end?

Hmm?

We may have been pretending,

but I've been wanting it to be
real since the day I met you.

You make me so happy,

and I love you so much.

So here we go.

Greg, what is happening?

This house is just the beginning...

'cause I want to spend the
rest of my life with you.

Jennifer Jason Collins...
will you marry me?

Oh, my gosh. (SNIFFLES)

Where is it?

That's the best part.

You already have the ring.

What?

The fake ring that I gave
you, it's the real thing.

Well, b-but I thought that was fake,

and I threw it away.

- You what?
- I threw it out. I threw it out,

because you told me that
it was just a crappy ring

from the farmers market, so...

- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Wow. Wow.

- Why would you do that?
- Aah! Is it trash day?

I don't know if it's trash day.

How am I supposed to
know if it's trash day?

I just moved in to the neighborhood.

Oh, Greg. Go! Go, go, go!

Well, according to the paperwork,

there were no other offers
and we overpaid by a mile.

- Ooh! I found it!
- (GASPS) Ah!

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

Oh, Greg, it's beautiful.

You didn't give me an answer before.

All right. But I need
you to make it quick,

'cause I don't know
what I'm kneeling in.

Will you marry me?

- (LAUGHS): Yes.
- Yeah?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- GREG: Oh!
- (LAUGHING)

- Uh-oh. Oh. Oh, no.
- Yeah, ooh, here.

- Oh, that doesn't smell right.
- No, it doesn't.

It's a blind date,

so I don't know how
much she knows about me.

So, do I admit to being divorced?

Do-do I tell her I have a mustache?

Well, she's not really blind.

Uh, excuse me.

Um, I need a double order

- of wings to go.
- Okay.

Uh, they're for my pregnant wife,

and she's informed me
that she would like them

"wet yet dry,

"and I don't care how
you accomplish this,

but the chickens need to be happy."

I can look for the head bag
and see if they're smiling.

Perfect. Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, that's Colleen.

Is that your date? She's cute.

No, no, no, no, no, that's my boss.

She didn't approve my overtime,

but I should probably
still go say hi, right?

Oh, man, if you end up
having a threesome tonight,

I'm gonna be pissed.

Boo!

(GASPS) Oh.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

- I didn't... I-I... Hey, it's...
- Oh. No, no.

I just wanted to come over and say hi.

I didn't mean to make you cry.

No, I was already crying.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

- Uh, what's wrong?
- Anything to drink?

Cadillac margarita, on the rocks.

I just found out that my
fiancé committed tax fraud.

Salt on half the rim,

sugar on the other half. And
now I don't know how I will

ever trust him again.
Three pumps of strawberry.

And I don't know if I
should marry him now, so...

That part was for you.

Wow.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Uh,

you're not sure if you're
gonna get married...

- No.
- Um, I'm so sorry.

(SIGHS) Yeah, well, I'm fine.

No, I'm not.

But I'm getting a very large margarita

that I can just lower my face into.

Um...

I'll be back in a second.

Okay. (CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES)

Hey, man. Hey.

Colleen could really
use a friend right now.

So, um, could you tell my
date that I couldn't make it?

Are you serious? It's been ten minutes.

You're already juggling two women?

This always happens.

Please, dude. Look at her.

- COLLEEN: Spank you.
- Yeah.

Uh, I don't... I don't need this.

Oh, no, you have to keep both straws.

Legally, I'm not allowed
to serve this to one person.

Yeah, okay, fine. But if you
ever make any money, you owe me.

Thanks, man. Hey, her name is Lindsay.

She's right over there.
And her name may be Lily.

Hi. Are you...?

Lindsay. Hi.

(CHUCKLES) You must be Matt.

- Well, uh, funny thing, um...
- I'm so glad

you showed up. I can't tell you
how many blind dates I've had

where the guy cancels
at the last minute.

(CHUCKLES) Well, you
don't have anything...

to fear, because...

Matt Short is here. So,

uh, art.

Have you heard of it?

I can't believe I'm engaged
to a criminal and a liar.

I invested five years
of my life in Chad,

and now I'm in my s.
You know what that means.

Um, yeah, that you
finally floss regularly

and you own your orgasms?

No. It means I-I can't
afford to throw it all away

and start over. And now I
feel guilty about not flossing.

Lindsay, you seem like a
really fantastic person,

but I think you deserve a much
better guy than me, all right?

So I-I think it's best
if-if you just move on.

Matt, we've only been talking
for, like, two minutes.

Yeah, uh, but I'm just trying
to be up-front here, okay?

I have no money.

Finally. A guy who can be honest.

No, no, I-I'm... I am
just trying to tell you

I am a bad bet.

Well, maybe I have a gambling problem.

How is this working?

I didn't expect to have
to start over in my s.

Eight months ago, I was
sitting exactly where you are.

Except I wasn't sitting in front

of a kiddie pool full of liquor.

It's helping.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Start over again with someone new?

Pretend I'm some cool
girl who doesn't cry

and likes to talk sports ball?

Well, you're for .

Double order of wings to go?

Yeah, right here.

Whoa.

To go, huh?

Cocky. Me likey.

- Uh...
- JEN: Hey.

What are you doing?

Who is this woman?

And where are my wings?

Your wings are right here.

And-and-and-and this woman is...

my date.

You eat any of those wings?

Okay, then we're good.

Things are gonna get much
easier once she has the baby.

No, I don't think you should
pretend like you're somebody else,

'cause I think you're great.

You're just saying that
because you work for me.

- With you.
- I could fire you.

Yeah, but you'd need the
supervisor's approval.

But I could get it. I mean,
he has a crush on me, so...

Oh, well, there you go.

- (CHUCKLES) Matt, he's disgusting.
- Well...

He drinks salad dressing
out of the bottle.

Look, I wouldn't worry about it, okay?

You're gonna find somebody who
realizes that you are a catch.

- (SCOFFS)
- And isn't gonna want to risk prison time

- because that would mean
being apart from you. - Aw.

Okay, maybe I won't fire you.

- Oh, thank you.
- (CHUCKLES)

All right, so here.

Here is to each of us finding
what we're looking for.

I hope it's out there.

I know it is.

(CLEARS THROAT) Can
you help me with this?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

I meant lifting it, like, to cheers,

but, you know, that's fine, too.

Just drink up.

_

So, you came home from college
with your laundry and a boy.

- (CHUCKLES)
- At least one of them is clean.

Oh, no, no, no. He is. He is, Mom.

We just got our tests
back yesterday, so...

Good.

- So awesome to meet you guys finally.
- Yeah.

How long you guys been dating?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.
What, Tim, about two months?

- Yeah, I guess it really depends on
- Yeah.

when you're counting.

From when we first, you know,

or when we first...

(LAUGHING): Yeah, we're...

Okay, so either two months
or two months and a day.

So, you're in med school, Tim?

Yeah.

That must be nice.

'Cause you get to do
all that mouth-to-mouth.

Yeah, no, I-I've pretty
much just been working

with my cadaver so
far. So, not that much.

But, uh, I did slip once,
and my lips touched her face.

So that's kind of a kiss.

He's funny. He's very funny.

Technically, I did break her heart,

- but that's a whole nother story.
- Yeah.

Well, as long as you don't
break my daughter's heart.

Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

I've learned my lesson. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Heart may feel like a tennis ball,

but it doesn't bounce like one.

That is sick. I like
this guy. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, thank you. I like
you, too, Mr. Short.

Please call me John.

HEATHER: Okay, Mom,

what do you think of Tim?

Oh, I like him.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, he's happy, he's loyal,

he loves to run.

He's like our old dog Jeff.

Oh, good.

Yeah, because I'm pregnant.

- What?
- Yeah.

You let that animal get you pregnant?

Mom!

What about school and work

and your career?

Oh, honey, you're way too young.

I know, I know, but there are a lot

of young working moms nowadays.

You know, people say
that this Internet thing

is gonna just take right off,

and then we'll be
able to work from home.

How can you be a Supreme
Court justice from home?

The Internet! I don't know!

(STAMMERS)

I didn't do this on purpose, okay?

Well, what does Tim say?

Yeah, I'm, um, trying to find
the right time to tell him.

He doesn't know yet?

No, but I think that I love him,

and I know he'll be a good dad.

Oh, listen, honey, he-he may look ,

but, believe me, boys his
age don't want to be a dad.

Who doesn't want to be a dad?
I mean, aside from our dad.

Tim, and it's none of your business.

Mom!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Just forget that I said that.

But ask your sister if she's
gotten her period lately.

Mom!

- Gross.
- You're pregnant?!

Shut up. Okay?

Tim doesn't know.

You guys like him. Right?

Not anymore.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, I mean,

he was all right when he was

just some random medical student

who's got cool cadaver stories.

But now that I know that you
guys did it, that is nasty.

What does that even feel like?

Probably pretty good, right?

I can't believe you guys.

Do you even know what kind
of doctor you're gonna be?

I figure I'd just flip a
coin. Heads or tails, you know?

- Brain surgery or proctology.
- Mm.

That's the best thing about repeating

my first year of med school.

I get a lot of time to decide.

But Heather said

you were top of your class.

Oh, no. I wear a top hat to class.

It's kind of my trademark. (LAUGHS)

- (QUIETLY): This guy's a tool.
- Loserville.

- Population: Tim.
- (SNICKERS)

Well, I'm gonna make
cocktails for the men.

Uh, Tim, you want one?

Aw, thanks, Mr. Short.

I told you, call me John.

(LAUGHS) Boy, he is
party time excellent.

Oh, yeah, he's great. When
he's around. Which is never.

You gonna be around for your kids?

Nah, never really gave it any thought.

I still got a whole lot of
living to do. I-I could wind up

a Doctor Without Borders.

Or with borders.

Or just work in a
Borders. I love magazines.

You know, we, um,
haven't really discussed

- our future yet, so it's...
- Yeah,

why would we? We're still young.

This is our chance to be wild and free

and swimming in debt.

Yeah, but, you know, we've actually been

so wild and free for
the last two months,

and it's a long time
if you think about it.

I don't know. Remember that psychic

- said we're all gonna die in Y K?
- Yeah.

The psychic was my sorority sister

with a turban on her head,

so she doesn't really know anything.

Oh, thank God. She also said

- I was gonna go bald.
- Mm.

I guess the point is,
you just live each day

- like it's your last.
- Yeah.

I mean, well,

not if you're pregnant.

(LAUGHS) Who's pregnant?

I'm pregnant, Tim.

Oh, my gosh.

- (SIGHS)
- Oh, honey.

- Come here.
- (VOICE BREAKING): I'm so stupid.

No, you're not. No,
you're not. It's okay.

Your dad and I will
help you raise the baby.

I know.

I'm gonna be a father.

I'm the luckiest guy in the world!

You are?

Are you kidding me? I mean, I'm...

I'm gonna have a baby
with the most amazing woman

I've ever met in my life.

- I love you.
- Oh, I love you, too.

Oh.

Hey, man, hey.

I'm sorry that I said that
you were a hopeless loser

who was better off dead.

- Welcome to the family, man.
- Hey, thanks, man.

- Oh, thank you, Matt.
- I'm sorry I was grossed out

by you guys doing it.

I didn't know it was to procreate, so...

Me neither. (LAUGHS)

What's everybody
hugging my boy for, huh?

The best news ever.

Heather's pregnant, John.

You call me Mr. Short.

_

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
TWA Flight ,

prepare for final approach.

WYATT: This has
been such an honor.

To be on the last flight
of Captain John Short.

You are a legend.

Is it true you once landed on a freeway?

Yeah, it's true. I think.

Oh, I was flying high

in a lot of other ways that year, Wyatt.

Yeah.

Boy, I'm gonna miss it up here.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: TWA ,

you're clear to land two-five left.

Your last landing.

Bring us home, Captain.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO)

JOHN: TWA , put a hold on that.

We're seeing a lot of fog up here.

I don't want to risk it.

I don't see any fog.

Yeah, it's out my side.

Sit down, Wyatt.

It's pea soup up here.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Captain, we're not seeing any fog

down here. You're number one to land.

- Copy that. We are...
- Negative.

Pilot's discretion.

We're doing our go-around.

This flight is not ready to retire.

You mean land.

All right, we got another
pilot refusing to retire.

Call in the wife or domestic partner.

It's , people.

- Your father's almost down.
- HEATHER: Oh.

He has no idea

that we're here.

It's gonna be such a surprise.

WOMAN (OVER P.A.):
Joan Short, please find

the white courtesy
telephone by gate C .

Damn it!

Approach, you got TWA .

Oh, visibility's still pretty low,

so I'm gonna have to
circle a few more times.

JOAN: John, what are you doing?

Approach, did I ever tell you

you sound just like my wife?

No, it is me.

It's Joanie.

We're all here to surprise you

for your final flight,

but now they're saying
you refuse to come down.

And we're in -minute parking,

and, you know, that gets
very expensive very fast.

I can't hear you through
all this fog, Joanie.

No, dear, the only fog
is between your ears.

Why don't you want to come down?

Because once I'm grounded, that's it.

What am I gonna do with myself?

You'll spend time with your family.

But the kids hardly know me.

I mean, Greg called the mailman "Dad"

for the first ten years of his life.

That's only because
you both wear blue hats.

But the kids always looked up to you.

They love you. Here, listen.

Take it, dear.

Hi, Dad. Hi.

Listen, we love you so much.

Okay, and I'm sure that
all the hostages you've...

I-I mean, the-the passengers

that you have up there,

you know, they have
families that love them, too.

So you... Yeah, here's Tim.

Okay? Here.

Hey, John.

It's your good buddy, Tim.

Next.

(LAUGHS)

Said he loves me.

- You're up, Matt.
- HEATHER: Oh.

- Honey.
- Hey, Dad.

You know, we look up to you
for all the little things,

like a low-interest loan that
we can hammer out the details of

as soon as you get down. Okay,
I love you, Daddy. Bye-bye.

"Dad, I wrote a poem
to commemorate this day.

I'm not really sure
what you're going to say.

I'm so happy to have you on the ground.

And it will be great

for us to pal around."

All right. Read your poem.

Yeah, uh, s-sure.

Um, "Dad, I wrote a poem to comme..."

Oh, God.

Just put your mother on.

Yeah, okay.

JOAN: Did that move you, dear?

Well, they're not exactly making a case

to hang up my wings.

JOHN: Stewardess.

Get the snack cart.

Looks like Wyatt here
could use some nuts.

You really have to call
Tony a steward now, John.

JOAN: Johnny, come down to me.

W-We'll start this
new journey together.

I'll be your copilot.

You know, I never thought
about it like that.

I'd actually have a copilot
next to me I wanted to be with.

My dad always said
never meet your heroes.

Captain Short, you're clear to come in

for many kisses.

Time to land this bird, Wyatt.

I think this bad weather's behind us.

Uh, really? 'Cause it looks

like we're flying right
into a terrible storm.

Approach TWA , permission to land.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Hold off, .

Heavy weather's moved in.

I think you may be up there for a while.

No way. It's time for me to go home.

Watch and learn, Wyatt.

Watch and learn.

♪ Gone are the dark clouds ♪

♪ That had me blind ♪

- ♪ It's gonna be a bright, bright ♪
- ♪ Bright, bright ♪

♪ Sun-shining day ♪

- ♪ It's gonna be a bright, bright ♪
- ♪ Bright, bright ♪

♪ Sun-shining day ♪

- Let's get out of here.
- Oh, no, you guys go on ahead.

Uh, the boys upstairs

have some questions they want to ask me.

I'm pretty sure they have a cake,

you know, for my retirement.

- ♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
- ♪ Bright ♪

- ♪ Bright sun-shining day. ♪
- Huh.