MAN: All right, man versus dog.
My advice: open your mind.
Each of you weighs average
of, what... 180 pounds.
Your average dog: 80 pounds, man.
So if you fought an 80-pound dude,
you'd spend half of it laughing
and all of it f*cking that
little m*therf*cker up.
So, approach it like you're fighting
a little, weird 80-pound
man with powerful jaws.
Let's talk technique.
One that works well... simply
allow your dog opponent
to clamp down on a lesser-used limb,
like, say, your left arm,
which allows you four minutes
to b*at the f*cking sh*t out of 'em
with your advantaged right hand.
K.O.
You guys know what that is?
Knock out! Brain damage.
That's what "K.O." f*cking means.
You render their f*cking brains damaged
until they lose consciousness.
So, fight the f*cking
dog like a f*cking dog
and go right at his ass and
let him bite a lesser limb.
Then knock the little m*therf*cker out
by punching him in the
f*cking little dog head,
where his little f*ckin' dog brain is!
They're trained to take you down,
so I'm training you to take them down,
which I pretty much just did.
All right, uh, please turn to page nine,
and we'll learn how to
knock a woman unconscious
with a bicycle.
["SURE sh*t" BY BEASTIE BOYS PLAYING]
♪ 'Cause you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Well, you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Mike D, come and rock the sure sh*t ♪
♪ I've got the brand-new doo-doo ♪
♪ Guaranteed like Yoo-hoo ♪
♪ I'm on like Dr. John
♪
♪ yeah, Mr. Zu Zu ♪
♪ I'm a newlywed ♪
♪ I'm
not a divorcée, yeah ♪
♪ And everything I do ♪
♪
is funky like Lee Dorsey ♪
♪ Well, it's The Taking of ♪
♪ the Pelham One Two Three ♪
♪ If you want a doo-doo rhyme
♪
♪ then come see me ♪
♪ I've got the savoir faire ♪
♪ with the unique rhymin' ♪
♪ I keep it on and on ♪
♪ it's
never quittin' time and ♪
♪ Strictly handheld is the style I go ♪
♪ Never rock the mic ♪
♪ with the pantyhose ♪
♪ I strap on my ear goggles
♪
♪ and I'm ready to go ♪
♪ 'Cause at the boards is ♪
♪
the man they call the Mario ♪
♪ Pull up at the function ♪
♪ and you know I Kojak ♪
♪ To all the party people ♪
♪ that are on my bozack ♪
♪ I've got more action ♪
♪ than my man John Woo ♪
♪ And I've got mad hits ♪
♪
like I was Rod Carew, yeah ♪
♪ Because you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Because you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Oh, well, you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ I keep my underwear up ♪
♪
with a piece of elastic ♪
♪ Use a bullshit mic that's
made out of plastic ♪
♪ To send my rhymes ♪
♪
out to all the nations ♪
♪ Like Ma Bell ♪
♪ I got
the ill communication ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't ♪
♪ you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Well, you can't, you
won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Keep on and rockin' the sure sh*t. ♪
[PAPERS RUSTLING]
[CARS WHOOSH, HORNS HONK IN DISTANCE]
I'm gonna be the only
one wearing a tie, Mom.
How long has it been since
you've changed your clothes?
Oh, three days.
Something.
Well, when's the last time
you had some time off with your wife?
Long time.
Well... then put some effort into it.
You're very handsome.
Thanks.
♪ ♪
Neither was John Wayne, by the way.
WOMAN: I'm sorry?
John Wayne was not John
Wayne, by the way.
John Wayne was not John Wayne?
His name was Marion Morrison.
John Wayne's a fake name.
He also shirked World w*r II.
Flat feet.
Then pretended to fight in it, bravely.
Which makes him, in my book, a jerk.
My guess is that lots of dead guys
were flat feet in
Flanders field, you know,
and elsewhere.
There's a...
There's a condition that
young men who are exposed
to the serial v*olence
you find in w*r suffer from.
They snap under the weight of the...
the pressure of having to remain brave
and to not indicate, you know,
personal suffering and pain.
It's called the John Wayne Syndrome.
I used to have this T-shirt.
My workout shirt.
See, it hurts to exercise
the remaining portion of my right leg
because there's-there's atrophy.
Moving around, it's...
[CHUCKLES] it's an ordeal.
And you can see it on my
face when I exercise.
I used to be ashamed of that.
Then I took out a magic marker
and I wrote, "f*ck John Wayne"
on this f*cking T-shirt
I'm talking about.
And that allowed me to be...
less tender about people here and there
seeing me suffering.
You have to find a way
to-to relieve that pain,
or-or you'll be one of
those kids who breaks
and doesn't come back.
You must be Rob Saperstein.
Why?
You look like someone my
son would really like.
Oh, okay.
Cool.
Tom Tavner.
Okay.
All right. You ready?
Oh, yeah. I'm ready. Yeah.
Okay. Let's... Come on.
R.I.P., John Lakeman.
- R.I.P.
- R.I.P.
- R.I.P.
- Hear, hear.
- R.I.P.
- Cheers.
JOHN: R.I.P.
Hey, Ron.
- Drink.
- I can't.
I got to track sh*t all the time.
- Just one.
- Uh, staying sharp.
- No.
- Half?
Staying sharp. Thank you.
What was the hardest part?
Of being Lakeman?
The technical terms.
Uh, knuckle hamplers and...
tamped patch prim fixtures,
- and...
- EDWARD: He's drunk already.
Those are real words, man, right?
Yeah, they are.
They're real.
[LAUGHING]: He's so drunk.
Ooh, maybe he'll dance.
ALICE: Oh, that would be so good.
EDWARD: Are you gonna dance later, guy?
I'm not that bad, man.
[EDWARD CHUCKLES]
EDWARD: You are the worst
dancer in the world.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
And I have been all over the world,
on committees and stuff, as a
future former congressman.
[ALICE LAUGHS]
You're the worst. Like, globally.
He-he dances like Bruce
Springsteen when he dragged
that girl from Friends onto the stage.
Doesn't he?
Yeah, a little bit.
But I like it. I like it, though.
EDWARD: Yeah, right.
Hey, hey.
Let's get in a fight.
What?
Let's get in a fight
with some other guys.
Uh, like, another group.
Man, Gregory gets
violent when he drinks.
- [SOFT LAUGHTER]
- Did you...
You're so peaceful, normally, man.
And you're kind of violent, normally.
And when you get drunk,
you're pretty peaceful.
Yeah, you do get really
sweet when you get drunk.
I want to dance.
f*ck, yeah.
Oh, my God!
Watch this.
["DIS MOI" BY KAD ACHOURI PLAYING]
How did you know?
To-to find me?
We were on a boat.
A boat ride, and he mentioned you.
Oh, cool.
Some kind of splash deal
when you were together.
- Oh.
- He said you two had fun.
- [LAUGHING]: Cool.
- Yeah.
Uh, Afternoon Splash.
Oh, well, cool.
That's... that's not exactly right,
but-but I get it.
Well... go have fun.
Oh.
O-Okay.
["COMMANDO FADA" BY MASSILIA PLAYING]
♪ ♪
- Hey, man.
- Yeah, man?
I was scared, man.
- About what, man?
- You, man.
Your message... "Double Great," man.
Yeah.
That was...
Yeah.
I'm in bad shape.
Me, too.
Emotionally.
And physically, too, I guess, which...
What?
Which...
You know, I don't know.
It's not a bad thing, I-I guess,
under some circumstances.
Which circumstances?
Only...
when you try and hang
yourself from your kayak
and it-it can't support
your weight, and...
Because it has a cr*ck.
Circumstances like that.
I'm glad you're still here.
[GRUNTS]: Eh.
"Ring the bells that still can ring.
"Forget your perfect offering.
"There's a cr*ck in everything.
That's how the light gets in."
I learned this from Icabod.
It's pretty cool.
Shh.
["DEATH OF A CLOWN"
BY THE KINKS PLAYING]
♪ My makeup is dry ♪
♪ And it cracks round my chin ♪
♪ I'm drowning my sorrows ♪
♪ In whiskey and gin ♪
♪ The lion tamer's whip ♪
♪ Doesn't cr*ck anymore ♪
♪ The lions, they won't fight ♪
♪ And the tigers won't roar ♪
♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ So let's all drink ♪
♪ To the death of a clown ♪
♪ Won't someone help me ♪
♪ To break up this crown ♪
♪ Let's all drink ♪
♪ To the death of a clown ♪
♪ Ooh, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
♪ Let's all drink ♪
♪ To the death of a clown ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪
All right.
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la... ♪
[SONG FADES OUT]
WOMAN: So at what point that day
did it become the plan to
pool your money together
and go and buy the accordion boy?
After laser tag.
I want to recant that. May I?
It was after we roved to the park,
and were at a particular
café together, drinking.
After we were at a
particular pub, drinking.
Before laser tag.
And whose idea was it?
Um...
I thi-I think it was John Lakeman's.
I think it would've
been John's, that day.
I recall, clearly, that day,
he was full of warm
feelings and pilsners.
I bet we could do it.
How much can buying a kid cost, anyway?
Not, like, a million.
How much can buying a kid cost, Icabod?
I don't know, I've never
bought a kid before, John.
[LAUGHS]
I think, like, 1,800 bucks, ballpark.
We're, like, a hundred bucks short.
I got a hundred euro.
Cool.
No, I... no, I mean, in...
in my whole life.
But it's for freedom.
- Yeah!
- EDWARD: Yeah!
["THE WAY" BY NEIL YOUNG PLAYING]
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ The way, we know the way ♪
♪ We've seen the way ♪
♪ We'll show the way ♪
♪
to get you back home ♪
♪ To the peace where you belong ♪
♪ If you're lost and think
♪
♪ you can't be found ♪
♪ We know the way ♪
♪ We've got the way ♪
♪ We'll lead the way ♪
♪
to get you back home ♪
♪ To the peace where you belong ♪
♪ The way, we know the way ♪
♪ We've seen the way ♪
♪ We'll show the way ♪
♪
to get you back home ♪
♪ To the peace where you belong... ♪
That f*ckin' dude right there.
[OTHERS CHUCKLING]
Yeah. [SNIFFS]
Why is he still with us?
I think he thinks we own
him now or something.
ALICE: I'll explain it to him.
Do you speak English?
I speak Romanian.
No way.
How many different languages
you speak, Dennis?
If there's oil there, then... yeah,
I can speak the language, pretty much.
Cool. Tell him he's free.
He doesn't have to stay with us.
He can just run free.
- Did you tell him he can go?
- Yeah.
Why didn't he go?
I don't know.
Maybe he feels a bond
or something.
Say mean things to him.
Like... like, you never
liked him anyway.
Just, you know... Like in the movies.
Like-like-like-like, he's a movie horse.
[LAUGHING]
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
ALICE: Run! Run, movie horse!
You see that?
The day kind of dipped a little.
Little bit.
Anybody want to try to
score some more weed?
Good thinking.
You think y-you're a good dancer?
[CHUCKLES]
I never said I was a good dancer.
I said you are a bad dancer.
Y-You don't like my moves?
You don't have any moves.
F-Feeling... good.
That's not a move.
Well... well, what is it, then?
GLENN: John Lakeman.
John Lakeman.
JOHN: What?
John Lakeman, I'm Sergeant Glenn Perdue.
Milwaukee Police Department.
Can I ask you some questions?
Oh, sh*t.
Oh, f*ck.
f*ck, man, this is...
kind of a th-thing here.
- What?
- f*ck.
I got to, like, es-escape
from the situation.
Can you do something to the normal guy?
Like what?
Like, f*ck him up or something?
And then we can run away
from the other guys.
'Cause I'm really fast, and you
guys are probably normal fast.
And they're not going to be,
'cause that one's tiny,
and he has to, like, take
twice as many strides
as the rest of us.
And that one... one guy's got one leg.
JOHN: Yeah. All right.
Wha... What?
[CHUCKLES]
Go... knock out the normal guy.
Nah.
Wh-Why?
H-He's not normal.
He just looks normal.
Nah, I don't... I don't want to.
[WHISPERS]: Hey. Gregory
will f*ckin' do it.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah. He... he got all
riled up there before.
Hey, Gregory?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Hey.
- What's up?
These-these guys, uh...
- What?
- These guys were saying
some f*cked-up sh*t about you, man.
What were they saying?
Um... what do you care about?
Like, in my life?
Yeah.
Like, my hobbies?
Yeah, okay.
Well, I collect and assemble
miniature train sets,
tracks and small-scale replica villages.
These guys said that was f*cked up.
These guys?
JOHN: Yeah.
Yeah, they said that
was really f*cked up.
Just now. You should fight them.
Train kits?
Yeah.
- Like, how?
- Like... What?
Like, how is collecting and
assembling train kits f*cked up?
Like... all the ways.
They were just really down on it, man.
EDWARD: They were so
down on train kits, man.
- f*ck that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- f*ck that, man.
Which one said it?
The normal one.
EDWARD: Go f*ck him up.
Then we got to run.
All right.
Remember I said we should
fight some other guys?
- We're doing it.
- Yeah, we're doing it.
Go do it.
m*therf*cker.
- Trains!
- [THUMP]
[LAUGHING]
["NO PLACE TO FALL"] [BY
TOWNES VAN ZANDT PLAYING]
♪ Well, if I had no place to fall ♪
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- ♪ And I needed to ♪
♪ Could I count on you ♪
- Holy sh*t.
- You like trains.
- I like trains.
- You f*ckin' k*lled him, man.
- He did it.
- JOHN: Oh, hey, check it out.
Oh, f*ck.
[GUYS LAUGHING]
♪ Well, I'd never tell you no lies ♪
♪ I don't believe it's wise ♪
♪ You got pretty eyes ♪
♪ Won't you spin me round? ♪
Get a cab. Get a cab.
♪ I ain't much of... ♪
Get in.
♪ I'm here, then I'm gone ♪
♪ And I'm forever blue ♪
[LAUGHING]
♪ But I'm sure wanting you ♪
- [LAUGHING]
- Hey!
- Yeah!
- I love him!
- Yes!
- [THUMP]
Oh, that's a great bachelor party.
Let's see where everyone else went.
- You good to rove?
- Good to rove, yeah.
- Weird.
- What?
- That was weird.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that was weird.
Yeah. Hey, close the door.
- What?
- Close your door.
We're going, like, 40
miles an hour here.
- Close your door.
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
That was a good safety tip, man. Thanks.
What?
That was a good safety tip, man. Thanks.
♪ And if we help each other grow ♪
♪ While the light of day ♪
♪ Smiles down our way ♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
♪ Then we can't go wrong ♪
♪ Well, time ♪
♪ She's a fast, old train ♪
♪ She's here then she's gone ♪
♪ And she won't come again ♪
♪ Won't you take my hand? ♪
♪ Well, if I had no place to fall ♪
♪ And I needed to ♪
♪ Could I count on you ♪
♪ To lay me down? ♪
f*ck.
I can't be pay the rent.
Um, but you have to pay the rent.
[LAUGHS] No, no, no.
- But I-I can't pay the rent.
- The girl goes up here.
- The girl?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
- This one's the mean guy.
- Oh, this is the mean guy.
- And then this is the guy
who can pay the rent.
- The... Okay.
- Okay.
John.
His whole group.
All of them?
They're leaving at 1:00 a.m..
- Tonight?
- They fly...
yeah, all of them...
out of Paris at 1:00.
Cantar Walley?
All of them.
Something changed.
I'll brief Tom.
[PHONE DINGS]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
Hello?
Yeah.
I have to leave in a little while.
- John.
- Hey.
- You've been drinking.
- Yeah.
- And you've been taking...
- What?
...pain medicine.
You're all f*cked up.
John, you're all f*cked up.
Well, it doesn't have to be over.
I can still stay for an hour or so,
like... an hour and a half.
♪ ♪
I have to take off soon
for something, Ed.
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
It's my bachelor party.
Yeah. I have, like,
another 45 minutes, man.
- It's my bachelor party.
- Yeah.
You're f*cked up.
What?
You're f*cked up.
Okay.
So what are you going to do?
What are you talking about?
Tonight, you're f*cked up.
You're drunk and stoned.
Okay.
So when you're f*cked up,
you should just go home
or stay out and get more f*cked up.
But you shouldn't go out and
do other sh*t, I'm saying.
It's a good saying.
So, what are you going to
do tonight, I'm saying?
I'm gonna take these mouse earrings,
these little mouse earrings.
I'm gonna break this window.
John.
Careful, Mouse. This way.
[GRUNTS]
sh*t, I...
sh*t.
I lost one of my mouse earrings.
Help me find them, man.
What the f*ck are you doing?
JOHN: Oh, there it is. Cool.
EDWARD: What are you doing, man?
Just picking up my mouse earrings.
No, I mean, what are
you doing with those?
That's her.
Who's she?
She's a policeman
from the... finger store,
the little finger store.
I want to give her these
little mouse things.
Earrings.
Why?
Why what?
Why do you want to give
that lady earrings?
Because I-I made her blind.
Okay, John, you're drunk.
- Get out of m-my way, man.
- No.
I don't-I don't care,
I'll just f*cking chuck 'em over to her.
Do not chuck earrings at a cop.
JOHN: Pardon, sir.
I'm sorry.
Why you are throwing things?
They're mouse earrings.
What?
I'm sorry, they're mouse earrings.
So what?
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
EDWARD: I don't want you
going off by yourself.
JOHN: I am.
EDWARD: No, you're not.
I'm going.
Yeah, well,
you're not going by yourself.
I told you once about helping me.
Yeah, and I just told you
you're not going alone, so...
["NO FUTURE" BY TITUS
ANDRONICUS PLAYING]
♪ But I don't want to live in it... ♪
♪ Fat guy in a little coat. ♪
♪ There is not a doctor ♪
♪ That can diagnose me ♪
♪ I am dying slowly ♪
♪ From Patrick Stickles Disease ♪
♪ There is not a medication ♪
♪ That can cure what's ailing me ♪
♪ The only treatment they offer ♪
♪ Is to hang me from a tree ♪
♪ 'Cause life's been ♪
♪ a long, sick game ♪
♪ Of "Would You Rather" ♪
♪ So now I'm going to medical school ♪
♪ As a cadaver ♪
♪ And if I could say ♪
♪ Only one thing ♪
♪ With the whole world listening ♪
♪ It would be ♪
♪ "Leave me the f*ck alone" ♪
♪ Or "Welcome to the Terrordome." ♪
02x06 - f*ck John Wayne
Watch/Buy Amazon
"Patriot" revolves around an intelligence officer, who is tasked with de-escalating Iran’s nuclear ambitions. To do this, he must enter into a "non-official cover" as a mid-level employee at a industrial piping firm in Milwaukee.
"Patriot" revolves around an intelligence officer, who is tasked with de-escalating Iran’s nuclear ambitions. To do this, he must enter into a "non-official cover" as a mid-level employee at a industrial piping firm in Milwaukee.