03x04 - I'm Sick

[bunniefuu]

In just a few moments, we'll be arriving
at our first stop on the tour,

the Freddy house
from Nightmare on Elm Street.

[murmuring]

I know that Freddy Krueger doesn't live
in an actual house in the movie.

We just call it the Freddy house.

Thanks for pointing out the thing
that everybody always points out.

-[chuckles]
-Hey, guys, I'm super hyped for this tour.

Yeah. Me too, buddy.
It's gonna be good.

I don't want to set the bar too high here,

but I truly feel this will be the best day
of our lives.

[laughing]

I totally agree,
and I've had a lot of good days. Whoa!

[laughing]

Okay, this is the best day of my life!

[theme music playing]

Hang on.
Are these all scary movie locations?

-You said movie locations.
-No, I said horror movie locations.

No, you didn't. I would've remembered
if you'd said that.

I hate horror movies.

Why watch a movie that scares me?

That's like watching a movie
that makes me thirsty.

Why would I want that?
I don't like feeling that way.

To your right is the house
from A Nightmare on Elm Street,

-the Freddy house.
-Oh! Oh!

[Chris] So cool!

-[cell phone buzzes]
-[Chris whoops]

Oh, that's unmistakable.

Hello?

[Mickey] I'm still at your place.

I threw up in a dumpster.

[tour guide] Notice the red door...

Oh, my God. Holy sh*t, are you okay?

Yeah, I think
I just had to expel some stuff.

Do you want me to come back?

Or...

Um... No.

It's not that serious. I'll be fine.

Okay, 'cause if you want me to,
I'll gladly just drop this and come.

I wouldn't wanna come
unless you want me to.

No, no, I'll be fine. You should stay.

Okay. Uh...

Well, you know, get better.

If at any point you want me to come back,

just give me a holler
and I'll zoom right over. Okay?

Okay. Thanks, Gus-Gus.

Okay, thank you. I mean, get well.
Okay, bye.

[tour guide] To which Freddy replies,

"Okay, but I get the first slice."

[all laughing]

Maybe we could ask this guy
about any regular filming locations.

Like Sheldon's house.
Something light and fun.

Like, where the Gilmore girls live?
Ruby gets it.

-You good, Gus?
-Huh?

-You good?
-Yeah. Yeah.

You seem a little disgruntled.

Yeah. I don't know, I just--

I'm thinking maybe
I should go check on Mickey.

It feels weird to stay here
and... I don't know.

It feels like a test or something.

If it sounds like a test,
it's a test, right?

When has anyone ever been like,
"Maybe this is a test?"

Then it turns out it's not a test.

I, one time, went to a Super Bowl party

the same day my girlfriend
found out she got Lyme disease.

-I got an F on that test.
-Yeah.

What do you think, Ruby?

I had a bunch of edibles earlier.

I'm not the type of person
to answer relationship questions.

-Okay, but what if you weren't on edibles?
-Who's on edibles?

Listen to me, Gus. Listen.
You have to get back to that apartment.

This is the f*cking relationship LSATs
and if you fail this thing,

there'll be a day when you think
you're cruising on easy street.

Could be tomorrow, a week from now
or months from now,

where you're chilling and like,

"Mickey, can you get me
a granola bar off the fridge?"

And she goes,
"Why don't you get it off the bus?"

That's her blindsiding you,
and you don't wanna be blindsided.

-Right. Okay.
-Get off this bus.

Excuse me. Excuse me,
can you stop the bus?

What?

I'm sorry, can you stop the bus?

Pull over the bus, Ed.
We got a broken arrow.

[Gus] Sorry, I just...

Sorry, folks.

This gentleman's become too scared
by the horrors he's seen. He has to exit.

I'm not scared,
I gotta take care of my girlfriend.

Whatever, buddy. You're not better than me
'cause you have a girlfriend. Okay?

I-- I didn't mean that, that way.

You brought up the girlfriend,
so you think you're better

and you think I don't have one,
which you're right,

but it's not important, so just leave.

Awww!

Mickey the sicky.

Hey.

What? What are you doing here?

I wanted to come back.

It didn't feel right for me
to be out there while you're here,

so I'm here. I wanna take care of you.
Okay, so...

You left your tour for me.

I wanted to.
It was the easiest decision.

I wanna be here for you, okay?

You can come closer to me
'cause I'm not contagious.

It's food poisoning.

Oh.

Okay. Well, I'll come over to ya.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Sorry, excuse me. I don't wanna sit on
your little tootsies there.

-You okay?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So, why do you think
it's food poisoning?

'Cause when I got this crab cake
at Seafood Now,

as soon as I bit into it,
it tasted rotten.

I don't wanna talk about it too much
'cause it makes me wanna puke.

I get that. I understand.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

-[exhales]
-It's all right.

[Mickey] Hmm.

[tour guide] Buckle up,

because our next stop is the Wallace house
from the Halloween franchise.

Uh-oh! Who's this?

-[all gasping]
-From the Halloween franchise,

-one of our most famous portrayers...
-Oh, my f*cking God.

of Michael Myers-- Glenn Michener.

[all cheering] Yeah!

Thanks.

[Chris] Yeah!

Please keep in mind
that we will get inside.

Try to remember
that this is only possible due

to the kindness of the homeowners.

Have your fun, right?
But also be respectful,

because they are redoing the floors
in the guest bath.

-You got it, sir.
-See? These guys get it.

-[growls]
-[all laughing]

Yeah.

[Gus] Hey, hey, hey.

How you feeling? Feelin' better?

[groans]

What'd you get me?

Oh, got you all kinds of goodies.

Got you this little guy.

[in high-pitched voice] I swam
the Pacific to tell you, "Get well."

Sorry, that's stupid. I don't even know.

The guy made me get it,
and I didn't really want to.

But I got you some basics.

Got you a little tea
and some Pepto that you wanted.

Did you get me an US Weekly?

And I got you this.

Just in case you were wondering
if the stars were just like us.

-I have been wondering. Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Thanks for getting all this stuff.

Of course, baby.

You want something to drink?

Gatorade.

You got blue Gatorade?

From the way you said it, you love blue?

I thought that was universally accepted
as the worst flavor of Gatorade.

Oh. Okay, sorry.

It's just when you're super sick,
you know exactly what you want.

Okay, yeah, I guess.

I can't believe they kept the same lights.

-Even the Christmas lights.
-His family was just sitting there.

How was it? Was it scary?

No. You f*cked up.

It's like a carnival in there.
It's awesome.

Yeah. Michael Myers f*cking loves us.

-Thanks to Kevin.
-Yeah.

All I did was act like
I had no idea who he was.

-Celebrities love that.
-Yeah.

I think it's 'cause
it makes them feel like they're normal.

But they're not, they're way better.

Ten times better.

So, near the end of the film,
Jamie Lee Curtis starts saying to me,

"Glenn, you're the best Mike Myers
we've had."

-And I'm like...
-"The best."

Yeah. I guess so.
I guess it's a compliment.

It is a compliment.
That's very beautiful.

So, you guys wanna do something?

Uh... What do you mean?

I don't know.

Leave here, get a drink, hang out.
Why not, right?

-Yeah, we should do it.
-[Beth] Sure.

-I guess we could for a little bit.
-Let's hang out with Glenn Michener.

♪ Soupy, soup, soup
Everybody like the soup, soup ♪

♪ Mickey, get some soup, soup
Everybody love some soup ♪

Your phone buzzed. It looks like...

your friends are hanging out
with some old dude.

[gasps]

Holy sh*t!
They're hanging out with Michael Myers.

They're hanging out with this guy Glenn.
He played Michael Myers.

The cool thing about him was,

he was this guy
who put his own stamp on it.

Doesn't matter, it's fine.

Sorry, I'm just having
a hard time following.

[scoffs] Ah!

Oh, my God. They're just hanging out
with Glenn Michener.

They're having a blast
with Glenn Michener.

He's got his arm around Ruby.

So, what,

Ruby and Glenn Michener
are just like BFFs now?

What the f*ck? Man...

♪ Truckin', got my chips cashed in ♪

♪ Keep truckin' like the doodah man ♪

♪ Together, more or less in line ♪

♪ Just keep truckin' on ♪

♪ Arrows of neon and flashing marquees out
On Main Street ♪

♪ Chicago, New York, Detroit
And it's all the same street ♪

♪ Your typical city involved
In a typical daydream ♪

♪ Hang it up
And see what tomorrow brings ♪

♪ Dallas got a soft machine ♪

♪ Houston too close to New Orleans ♪

♪ New York got the ways and means ♪

♪ But just won't let you be ♪

[exhales]

♪ Most of the cats that you meet
On the street speak of true love ♪

♪ Most of the time they're sitting
And crying at home ♪

♪ One of these days
They know they gotta get going ♪

Hey there, bud.

You okay?

[grunts] No, I got this sharp pain
in my stomach.

I'm also really hot and then I get cold,
and then...

f*ck... Is this how you felt?

I just threw up, so...

You feel like you're gonna throw up?

I do.

I don't wanna talk about it,
'cause if I talk about it,

then it's gonna happen,
so let's just not go there.

Let's just-- Let's shut up.

Shut up now.

I'm sorry. I really thought
I had food poisoning.

[groans]

Why would you be sorry, Mickey?

Well, 'cause you're sick.

Right.

Well, I'm sorry that I'm sick,
'cause now I can't take care of you.

So, it really more sucks for you.
So, sorry.

No, I'm feeling
like the nausea is passing, so I'm okay.

[groaning]

What are you doing?
Stop hitting your head against the wall.

-No. No.
-No?

[Gus] I don't like this.

[Mickey] Okay, can I help?

-[Gus] No. No.
-No?

I'm okay. It's all right, stay there.

I don't like to be looked after.
It makes me uncomfortable.

I don't wanna be a pain in the butt
to you.

-Okay?
-Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a d*ck.
I'm just...

I just need to go off and...

Like an animal does and just die
or hibernate or something.

I'm gonna leave the door open,

so if you need anything,
I'm not shutting you out, I just...

[groans] f*ck.

[panting]

[vocalizing]

-Thank you.
-[Glenn] Take a sh*t, take a sh*t.

-That's so many sh*t glasses.
-Yes. Uh-huh.

There's a lot of sh*t glasses
for a lot of drinking.

Now, to Michael Myers.

Yeah.

[all] To Michael Myers.

[vocalizing]

Yes!

Let us get to rap sessioning.

Come on. [grunts]

-sh*t. f*ck. God damn it.
-You want help or are you...

I got it. I got it. Cool, man.

Cool.

-Good tequila, right?
-Yeah.

So, rap session.

-You guys are all horror buffs, right?
-[Beth] Yeah.

What's your favorite horror scary movie?

I'm kind of scared right now,
to be honest with you.

[chuckles] These guys.

You're a funny guy.
Funny, that's what it's about.

Okay. I'll ask another question then,
funny guy.

What is your greatest fear?

Ghosts. Without a doubt, ghosts.

We all know that ghosts don't exist.

When you're dead, you're dead.
That's it. End of story.

Okay. What's your second biggest fear?

Probably that my girlfriend
will break up with me.

[Chris] Hmm.

-Okay. Let me see a pic of her.
-A picture?

Yeah, because my advice is
to confront your fear.

And that is telling me
you need to dump her right now. Okay?

-Who's got a pic?
-I know I've got one here somewhere.

-Hold on.
-Here she is.

[Glenn] Great. Okay.

Forget it! Oh, my gazoongas! [laughs]

You have sold the farm and gone to heaven.
You need to hang on to this one, right?

That's my plan.

-Ran-man, that's the plan. Okay.
-Yeah.

You're nothing to sneeze at
yourself there, lady legs.

Okay. No.

No, thank you. But thanking you a lot.

How about you, man in jeans?

What?

Yeah. So, you guys like to party?

-I don't know if I wanna party with...
-I like parties. Parties are great.

[Glenn] Okay. All right.

Let me whip up some popcorn.
Stay right here. Okay?

We gotta get the f*ck out
of here immediately.

-Yeah. This is getting weird.
-Come on.

I hope you guys like relaxing butter.

-[Chris] I'm out of here.
-[Beth] He's creepy.

-We can't leave without saying goodbye.
-[Beth] Who is he?

[Randy] Chris, come back.
Guys, he's making us popcorn.

-[Chris] It's stuck.
-[Kevin] Other way.

What are you doing?
You keep locking and unlocking it.

-[Chris] It's stuck. I'm turning it!
-[Kevin] What is wrong with you?

[Randy] Chris!

Guys, he's popping up popcorn for us.

Okay. So, I whipped up a small batch,
just half a bowl...

Where did everyone go?

Those guys...
they don't like butter in their popcorn.

They had to work early,
so they couldn't have slippery fingers.

You know what?

f*ck 'em. That's right. f*ck those guys.

-More for us, right? Yeah!
-Yeah!

-Let's chow down, man.
-Glenn!

Knock, knock.

Hey.

-Tried your blue Gatorade.
-Yay.

-Wasn't that bad, actually.
-It's pretty good, right?

Do you want some?

Let's see. Let's test this out.

That's good stuff.

I'll love it forever.

Can I sit with you,
or do you still wanna be alone?

Ah... Come here. Come here.

My Mickey. Come here.

-Let's be sick. Let's be sick.
-[groans]

Really took it out of me.
I don't even think Stella got this sick.

Wait, Stella was sick?

-Yeah.
-Sick how? Like, us sick?

Now that I think about it, yeah.

After her,
maybe a couple other people got sick.

What the f*ck?

Mickey, that's...

That's fine, but that's baffling to me,

'cause if I was working somewhere
and somebody I worked with got sick,

and then I saw two or three other people
getting sick,

I would be like, "I need
to Purell like a m*therf*cker now

and quarantine myself
from the rest of the universe."

I'm sorry that I'm not a germophobe
like you.

Don't make me out
to be Howard Hughes, okay?

It's just being responsible.

If I got sick, I would know

where I got sick, how I got sick,
why, when.

It's just baffling to me.
I don't understand it.

Sorry. Jesus.

I f*cked up and you're perfect.
What do you want me to say?

I just-- I don't know
how you could be foggy about this.

Do you--

Do you think? [snickers]

Do you not care? Where's your head?

-So mean.
-I'm not trying to be mean.

Maybe I was foggy because I was sick.

[Gus exhales]

I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm just saying what I would do
in the situation and you didn't do it.

I guess your priorities are different,
and that's fine, but...

That f*cking crab cake tasted rotten
last night, Gus.

And I wasn't sick
and then I just threw up.

Doesn't that sound like food poisoning
to you?

[grunts]

What?

I gotta go to the bathroom again...

because I'm sick.
Because I'm f*cking sick.

I gotta go to the bathroom again,
and it's just a hell, nightmarescape.

It's nights like these
that really put hair on your nipples.

Randy?

I've got, like, a confession to make.

-You do?
-Yeah.

I lied to you earlier when you opened up
about your fear of the paranormal.

Hmm. What do you mean?

I'm talking about ghosts, Randy.
Ghosts are f*cking real.

Come on. No, they're not. I'm stupid.

They're as real as real can be.

As real as aliens.

I used to be king of the world.

I used to be Michael f*cking Myers.

And now look at me.

A loser.

I've shrunk about a half an inch
over the past year.

I lost...

no weight.

I'm broke.

And I live in a sh*thole of an apartment.

So, you wanna know
how I know that ghosts exist, Randy?

You're looking at one. Right now.

But...

it's a metaphor. It's a metaphor.

Do you know what it's like
to have a mask on most of the day?

Well, I'll tell you something.

It's not fun.

Anybody could be under that mask.

I'm not kidding myself.

One day, I was so hungover,
I had to get my cousin to take my place...

and nobody even noticed
when he was Mike Myers.

And he's a f*cking CPA.

And now, now that I've gotten really real
and, you know, street with you,

I was like, "You're gonna leave me,
just like your friends.

Just like everybody leaves me."

Hey...

I'm not going anywhere.

You're the reason
that I'm so scared of horror movies.

No. Stop it.

The choices that you made...

like, you would move all stiff,
like you couldn't move at all.

[Glenn] Yeah.

Then all of a sudden,
you would run super, super fast.

Yeah, that's my trademark.

But, now that I've met you,
I met the real you.

The man behind the mask, you know?

I'm not scared anymore.

I never have to be
scared again, because...

you're more than a mask. You're like...

you're like my hero.

You don't have to say that.

[Randy] It's true.

You're Michael Myers.

No.

Even better.

You're Glenn Michener.

Randy, I just wanted to say that...

maybe...

if you're not doing anything, maybe...

we could watch one of the Halloweens?

-I'd like that a lot.
-Great.

I'll fire up the VCR. It's in the bedroom.

[groans]

f*ck. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck, this sucks.

This f*cking sucks, Mickey.

If I had known you were contagious...

You would have gone
and hung out with your friends,

which is what you wanted to do anyway?

[sighs] I would've steered clear of you.

I would've washed my hands.
I wouldn't have kissed you.

This is why I did not want your help,
because there's always strings attached.

There are no strings attached
to this, Mickey. Okay?

It's not actually help
when you expect something in return.

-You're always keeping score.
-I'm not keeping score.

You can't believe
I'd wanna be here for you.

Yeah, and you know why
I don't believe that?

'Cause when I told you I was sick,
you hesitated.

No, I didn't wanna come running to you,

because I know that'd be a turn off
for you.

What?

You want me to be an assh*le boyfriend.

You want me to be the guy
who's hanging out with his friends

and treats you like sh*t. I don't know.

Yeah, you don't f*cking know!

I dated that guy 16 times.
I don't want that sh*t anymore.

I don't wanna be the codependent,
clingy guy who comes on too strong--

Be whoever you are!

Then I'm the guy who does stupid sh*t

because he's scared of getting hurt.

Yeah. Guess what. So's everybody!

Why are you yelling at me?
I just want you to feel better!

I know that you want me to be better
'cause you love me!

Yeah, and you love me!

[breathing heavily]

[chuckles]

I love you.

I love you, too.

-This is so dumb.
-I know.

Stupid.

I'm sorry I got you sick.

[scoffs] We'll get through it.

Come here.

♪ I like your toothy smile ♪

♪ It never fails to beguile ♪

♪ Whichever way the wind is blowing ♪

♪ I like the way this is going ♪

♪ I like the color of your hair ♪

♪ I think we make a handsome pair ♪

♪ I can only see my love growing ♪

♪ I like the way this is going ♪

♪ I like to watch TV with you ♪

♪ There's really nothing
That I would rather do ♪

♪ Then maybe we can go to bed ♪

♪ And get up and do it all again ♪

♪ I like the way your pants fit ♪