03x11 - Anniversary Party

[bunniefuu]

We're here! We're here!

Took you long enough.

Oh, you know, your dad.

Well, Kelly and I set up everything.
We did the tables and chairs.

So, y'all can relax.

You should've told us, we could've helped.

- I told him to, but he...
- No! It's our pleasure. Who's this guy?

- Oh, wait. Is that Li'l Andy?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Li'l Drew-Drew-Bear, what's up?
- I'm here finally. What's up?

Didn't get dressed up? That's okay.

All righty then.
Oh, look, this is perfect.

You get the tripod I gave you guys?

- Did you bring it?
- Oh, where's my brain?

- That's okay. I have one in the truck.
- Oh, okay.

- I'll take the photo.
- No, no, no.

No, I got it.

- Yep.
- Oh, no.

No, you're not gonna want a photo
in a couple of years

with some random girl Gus was dating.

- All right.
- Yeah, we do.

I mean, not in that way,
but we want you, too.

Let her take it.

All right, everybody, happy 40th!

Happy 40th!

- All right, there you go.
- You got it? Okay.

Perfect. Good, good.

- I'm gonna put the music on, Mom.
- Oh, thank you.

- Now, is this what they call a disco ball?
- Yeah.

- Where did you get that?
- This is called a 40-50.

When we went into the party store...
They got 30-40. I went 40-50.

- Yeah. I, oh, wow. Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Jesus!

Sorry, I knew that was gonna happen.

I was, like,
"I'm gonna scare her right here, so..."

- What? What do you want?
- Um...

I just wanted to apologize
about last night,

- the stuff that was said.
- I'm gonna go back to LA.

What?

I'm looking for flights
on my phone right now.

- I'm gonna fly out in a few hours.
- Come on...

- I hope they have that good potato salad.
- Oh, they always have potato salad.

- Gus-man! That you?
- Hey. Hi.

We've been watching your Witchita show.

Spooky stuff! Spooky, spooky stuff.

Well, I'm glad you like it.
Um... Uh...

- Sorry, this is my girlfriend Mickey.
- Hello!

- This is my...
- Hi, there.

...Uncle Pat and Aunt Jo right there.
Yeah.

So, yeah... Everybody's in there,
and I'll be in there soon.

All right, okay...

- We'll see you soon.
- See you soon. Okay, bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

So this is what you're doing?

You're just threatening to break up
and leave now,

because of what?
Because of a stupid fight?

See, you still don't get it.
It wasn't stupid.

You said I was unstable,
and you didn't see a future for us.

Okay, look...

When I heard you say that right now,

I think maybe there has been
some sort of misunderstanding

- or misinterpretation of what I said...
- No.

It wasn't a f*cking TS Eliot poem, Gus.

It didn't need interpretation.
I knew what you meant.

Look, this is very...

This is insane, okay?
We haven't ever talked about this before.

I don't even know my...

God damn it! f*cking sh*t! Hey!

- Hey, Gus!
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Who's this now?

Oh, this is my girlfriend Mickey.

And this is my cousin Lisa
and her family. Hi, guys.

I've already seen her all over Facebook,
so I feel like I know her already.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Gus, is there a TV in there?

No, I don't think there's a TV. Sorry.

- Mom, you said there'd be a TV!
- You lied!

No, nobody lied. Let's go.

Hey!

I gotta get outta here, 'cause I cannot
be the welcoming committee, okay?

- I'm going back to LA.
- You can't do this.

- You can't do this to me.
- Why the f*ck not?

Because this is gonna be
f*ckin' hell, okay?

Being trapped here with my family
and pretending everything's okay,

while you and me are falling apart?

Please?

Fine, I will stay for this party,

but then I am leaving afterwards,
and you can stay here until the...

Oh, my God.

Can we just go in there?
'Cause I can't say hi to another person.

- They gone?
- No.

- Go.
- Okay.

They make you use their caterer

- when you rent this place, though.
- Oh, yeah.

It's a real sweet print, isn't it?

- Isn't it sweet!
- This is just so tender.

The beams on Tower 7
were demolished diagonally, okay?

- When you do a regular demolition...
- Okay.

- Shall we enter the abyss?
- Mm-hmm.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I watched your witch show.

What'd you think?

I mean, I could do without
the devil worshiping and the paganism.

And then one morning, we wake up,

and our entire world is being run
by one government.

- Really? You think so?
- Mm-hmm

The only real obstacle
to selling recreational vehicles

is that people consider it a luxury.

That's partly a problem with the name.

"Recreational." So what you do is,
you convince people,

and I was telling you this earlier,
that it's a necessary luxury.

That's how you hook 'em,
and then that's how you bring 'em in.

All right, excuse me.

I am just so proud of all my children.

The dealerships
and the charities and the art shows

and the teaching...
No, Gussie, your movie.

Don't forget. That, too.

I'm for the creative stuff, for sure,
but there's nobility in education.

Teachers are heroes,
like a firefighter or a soldier, I think.

Hmm.

Okay, everybody, listen up!

First of all, let's give it up for
Mr. and Mrs. Victoria and Mark Cruikshank.

I mean, come on. Forty years!
I mean, seriously, folks?

But, you know, a lot of people
probably don't know this...

Mom and Dad, when they first got hitched,
did not have a honeymoon.

- Aww.
- Yeah. No honeymoon.

- Sorry.
- They wanted to go to Hawaii,

but instead, like they always did,
they sacrificed and pinched pennies,

so they could provide a better life
for their family and their children.

Well, Mom and Dad,

I believe you've sacrificed enough.

- Aww!
- So, as an anniversary gift from me,

Kelly, Nina and your future grandson,
of course,

I think it is finally time
for you two to say aloha to Hawaii.

- Oh!
- Yeah, you're going to Hawaii.

- Oh!
- What?

Mom, Dad, get your butts up here!

- We have a whole lei thing we want to do.
- You're kidding, right?

No.

- What's happening?
- He's sending them to Hawaii?

Was there an e-mail chain
I missed?

- No.
- No?

Oh, honey. Oh, thank you.

Aw!

- What the f*ck?
- Are you okay?

It's just this is a surprise to me, too.

Wait. He didn't tell you?

It's fine. I mean,
we can barely pay our mortgage.

- But it's fine.
- Oh.

Kelly! Kelly, come here.

I'm sorry.

Come on, honey. Come on, honey. Let's...

- Does anyone have a camera?
- His stupid shoes.

What a pig in sh*t.

- This is too much. It's too much, Ken.
- Say aloha.

- Wow, very thoughtful, Ken.
- Well, they deserve it.

Dude, what's wrong with you?

What? No, I mean,
I wanted it to be a surprise, so...

You made us look like losers.

We could've pitched in
and given that together.

But you guys spend your money
and travel here. That's your gift.

I live here, so this is my gift.
I didn't want to burden you.

It's too big.

We should've done one of those
gift-from-the-kids kind of things.

Yeah. Like, when we got them TiVos.
It was, like, $13 each.

Okay... Gus, back me up here.

You know what I'm doing here.
It's just a nice gesture.

Yeah. No, it's very nice.

It's good,
but I see where they're coming from.

- Really?
- A little bit, yeah.

I thought you guys would be happy that
Mom and Dad finally get to go to Hawaii,

but, all right,
just make it about yourselves.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

You're such a d*ck, do you know that?

Oh, Andrew, we don't talk like that.

- Okay, Drew, cut it.
- But he is a d*ck.

He didn't even tell us about this gift.

We couldn't pitch in if we wanted to.

I didn't want to make you feel stupid.
I was doing it as a surprise.

Don't do this to me again. Stop it!

Well, uh, don't worry, Mom and Dad.
The three of us,

we actually chipped in for a present, too,
and um...

we're gonna pay for your magazines
on the flight to Hawaii.

But just on the flight there, okay,
not the flight back. We can't afford that.

- Oh! And we also got you this napkin.
- Oh.

It's the paper napkin year, right?
Forty years, yeah?

Oh, who's this now?

Hey, I'm an old man with my white hair.

Hey, stop all this fightin' and fussin'.

Y'all sound like me and Hillary
after she found out about Monica.

I did not know
Ken was going to give that present.

- So was I right or what?
- What?

My family, I told you they're insane.

God. Did you see what Gus did?

Like, every time sh*t gets weird,
he f*ckin' turns into Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, he's really gotten super neurotic
since the whole Ridley Scott thing.

You guys talking about Ken's insane gift?

No, I was telling Mickey
about Ridley Scott.

- Don't.
- What? It's not that big of a deal.

Okay, I don't know
how much Gus has told you,

but when he first got to LA,
he was hot sh*t.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah. Totally.

He wrote this script that everyone saw,

and he took all these cushy meetings
with important people.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah. It was nuts.

And he got a job
as Ridley Scott's assistant,

but also to develop stuff with him.

He was set.

- Yeah, it was so promising.
- Yeah.

Until...

Okay, so, I don't know what happened,
but he got in his head

about his career not moving fast enough.

This is, like, a few months in only.

And so he sent Ridley
an e-mail saying, like,

"I need you to take me more seriously,"
and on and on and on.

- Wait. Gus did that?
- Yeah.

That's ballsy. I like it.

But the e-mail also included
a long exchange he had with our mom,

and it said how he should word it.

He was asking her all these questions
about what he should say in the e-mail,

and that was all in there,
and the e-mail was just at the top.

- Uh-oh.
- It was... yeah.

- Yeah. So...
- Oh.

And, of course,
Ridley sends it to everyone he knows,

like directors, agents, managers,
studio execs, and he's like,

"Look what my little assistant sent me
from his mommy."

Did you guys see the e-mail?

- Yeah, it's so bad. It's...
- It's awful.

At one point, he even says,
"Thanks, Mommy."

- Like, yeah.
- No.

Oh, my God. Mom's hammered.

I'm gonna give her the rest of my tequila
and see how f*cked up she gets.

Jesus!

What? Last time she got hammered,

she pushed Dad in the Rasmussens' pool.
It was awesome.

You want to see that, right?

I'm gonna go get some cake.

No, I don't want to see that.
That's, like, deeply sad.

Uh...

- "China Doll" by David Bowie.
- Very good.

- I'm cleaning up the cake.
- I see.

- Did you want a drink, honey?
- No. Not right now.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Mmm.

- How's it going? Everything okay?
- It's great. I'm having so much fun.

- Why don't you come sit down?
- Oh, no, I'm good. This is my spot.

I can see everybody and look at...
Oh, there's Mickey! Hey, Mickey!

Get over here! There's my girl!

- Come here.
- Okay.

You're my girl.
Come on over here.

Here she comes.

Oh, Mickey, look at you.

Mark and I were just talking,
and we decided that you're our favorite.

- Oh, no.
- That's true.

It's very sweet of you.

Of all the girls that Gussie brought home,
you are number one best.

Really, so much better than that...
What's her name? Natalie.

- Boom. sh*ts fired, Natalie.
- Well, Natalie was a bitch.

- Let's just admit it.
- Hey, oh.

You know, I mean, I could tell, Gussie.
Moms always can tell.

- Okay, Vicks, let's take it easy.
- Who else was there? Um... Uh...

- Who else was there? Theresa.
- Yes.

- Am I right?
- I don't know about that.

That seems like an oversimplification.

Come on. The thing about Theresa was,
she was just boring.

- Hmm.
- You'd say to her,

"Oh, so, where are you from?"

And she'd say, "Lansing."
Or wherever. And that was it.

- Hmm.
- Um...

Excuse me, but are you an alien?

- You know?
- Yeah, well, it's true.

- Mickey's the very best.
- She's the number one best.

The number one.
You have to grab on to this one.

- This is the one to hold on to.
- I will.

I'm not letting her go!

My dad is leaving.
We should probably go say goodbye.

Sure, let's go say bye to Daddy.
Here we go.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- f*ck this.
- Hey.

Where you goin'?

- Going to the airport.
- Mickey, where you going?

- Come on.
- I'm going to the airport!

You lie to me so much.
I know about the whole Ridley Scott thing.

Okay, look. It was late at night,
all right?

I wasn't keeping track
of my e-mails. It was very confusing.

I was forwarding stuff and was confused!

Dude! Why wouldn't you tell me that?

'Cause it's not a great seduction story,
Mickey, okay?

On our first date, I'm not gonna go,

"Hey. Just so you know,
I embarrassed myself in front of

- half of..."
- Give me the keys.

- Wait. You're just going to take the...
- Yeah.

Give me the keys.

- Thank...
- No.

What? Are you serious?

- Give me the keys.
- I don't want to...

- Give me the key!
- Stop it.

Gus.

You think that I'm not ready
to be a mother,

but you behave like a little baby.

You've got all these lies,

and you run and you hide,
and you keep secrets.

You were engaged.
The whole Ridley Scott thing.

And you tell your parents
you go to church?

You're making it sound worse than it is.

I'm just trying
to make people happy. Okay?

So I lie and hide a little bit.

I don't think there's anything super wrong
with that, Mickey.

It's your whole family.

Yeah, my family's nuts,
but we put it all out there.

You don't even know my family, okay?
They're way deeper than that.

You can't just come in and, like, "Oh,
two days, I sum up your whole family."

Maybe I didn't want you to come with me,

and it had nothing to do
with me and my family, okay?

- It's me? Is that what you're saying?
- Yeah, maybe.

Maybe it was you. Maybe I didn't want
to bring you because you,

not because of me,
not because of my family,

not because we're keeping secrets.

Or whatever Eugene O'Neill drama
you have in your head right now.

All right. Cool.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Go. I don't care.

Can you just go in and say goodbye
to everybody?

Just make up an excuse or something,
so I don't have to feel stupid.

Yeah, I can do that.

I just need a minute, okay?

Uh... Hey, everybody...

Sorry, bad news,
but Mickey's gotta leave town

and go to the airport now.

Wait, what?

Yeah, something just came up at work,
and I gotta go.

Actually, Mickey,
you don't have to do that. Uh...

She's just being polite.

She's upset with me
because I've been lying to her

and hiding things from her and all of you.

Really, just things that I'm super
embarrassed about or ashamed of.

You know that movie I've been making
with Arya?

Uh, she dropped out.

She dropped out of the whole thing.
So now I'm just super in debt,

and the only thing I have to show for it

is a two-minute sizzle reel.

- What's a sizzle reel?
- It's...

nothing.

It's...

it's really...

uh, nothing.

Look,
my point was I just blew it with Arya.

Honestly, I think I blow every
work opportunity I've ever been given.

I blew it with Ridley Scott
and the director of Liberty Down...

and I'll never be a writer on Witchita

because the one time
I was invited in the writers' room,

I flipped out and threw
a woman's computer across the desk. So...

- Whoa, I didn't know that.
- Yeah. Me neither.

Oh, yeah. No, I mean, it's nothing new.

I mean,
I have serious anger control problems.

Last month, I was driving my car,
and I had a serious case of road rage,

and I lost control of my car.
I spun around, and I hit some cars and...

I didn't tell anybody about it.

You threw a woman's computer?

Mom, you gotta keep up with me

'cause I'm just gonna
roll right through these, okay?

Uh, I don't think I believe in God.

When I was nine,
I threw up in Mom's purse.

You guys remember Natalie, right,
my ex-girlfriend?

She pretended to cheat on me
so that I would break up with her.

But I didn't,
so she just had to break up with me.

Hmm...

Dad, I don't like sports.

I just pretend to like sports so that
you and me have something to connect over.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess
what I'm just saying is that...

You know, I try.
I try to pull a fast one on all of you

and make you think I'm the perfect son

or the perfect brother, but, uh...

I'm a... I'm a f*ck-up.

And the only thing I really got going
for me is Mickey.

But I'm f*cking that up, too...

'cause I told her last night that
she's not ready to have a family, but...

I'm wrong.

I'm the person who's not ready
to have a family and...

it's just easier for me to go,

"Mickey's the crazy one.
I'm the healthy one."

But I'm the crazy one.

All righty then. Good to know.
Can we finish cleaning up and go home?

Okay, thank you. I...

- I'm sorry. That was awful.
- You kidding me?

That was awesome.

- Really?
- Yes.

I mean, I've had some
intense conversations with my parents.

I have never gotten as honest as that.
That was brave. It took guts.

I feel so f*cked up right now.

Ugh.

Ah! Feels good.

Ah!

Home.

Mmm. Things got
kind of heavy back there in...

Jesus, what's it called?

- Brookings. Yeah.
- Brookings. Yeah.

- But we got out of there alive.
- Yeah. Big time.

Tell me about our future.

Okay.

Well, we move in together.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

And then we get a little doggie.

- Oh, I like that. A beagle.
- Yeah.

Then, we get into couples therapy.

- Get nice and sharp and strong.
- Yeah, yeah. And then...

then we get married
and have babies.

Oh, yeah. Very popular these days.

♪ When they fight, they fight ♪

♪ And when they come home at night
They say ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Was it too much too soon? ♪

♪ Or too little too late? ♪

♪ He got the message
She left on his car in the rain ♪

♪ And then the words, they come to you ♪

♪ Driving away ♪

♪ You just can't let it go ♪

♪ And when they fight, they fight ♪

♪ And when they come home at night
They say ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪