01x09 - Emergency Punch-Up

[bunniefuu]

♪

Whatever.

Oh, you're watching "Making a Supervillian?"

I finished the whole thing last night.

Well, do not tell me how it ends,

but I think he's innocent.

Seriously? His name is Dr. Psycho.

Yeah, but his original name was Psychowitz.

They forced him to change it at Ellis Island.

The real villain is the criminal justice system.

Go on, girl.

Idiots. Okay.

He tied Wonder Woman to a rocket ship.

Oh, the D.A. said he tied her to a rocket ship,

but if that's the case, where's the rope, Teddy?

- Where's the rope then? - Find it. Prove it.

Oh, I've seen this program.

I can't believe they found him innocent.

Dorothy!

You bitch.

♪

♪

Well, I'm glad that you're all excited

about the corporate retreat.

A special shout-out to the legal department

who just settled the lawsuit from last year's retreat.

I'm looking at you, Wendy, Ms. Black-out-and-get-naked.

That is not the order

it happened in.

No, it was not.

I hope everyone used my checklist of what to bring.

I did! Oh, crap.

I forgot my positive attitude.

Lucky for you, I brought plenty for everybody.

Anyways, I made sure the retreat will have

all of your favorite things.

Parasailing.

Rum tasting.

Sitting by the pool and judging people.

That's when they're at their most vulnerable.

And a little something for everybody...

karaoke!

No, no.

Karaoke?

More, like, kara-no-ke.

Fine. At least wear the matching t-shirts

with personalized catchphrases I made for everybody.

I don't have a catchphrase.

Oh. She's good.

So? Let's go! Everyone on the buses!

both: Yeah!

Uh, everyone except for my group.

We have to wait for Dorothy.

- What? - Both: No!

Why would you put Dorothy in our group?

Okay, you know she's not gonna be an asset in the tug of w*r,

I'll tell you that right now.

My job is to look out for everybody.

Oh, uh, uh... Dorothy can ride in my chopper.

I mean, she's so old,

maybe I'll just drop her off in heaven.

Okay.

- Wow. - The V-Man is on fire.

You know, it just came to me.

I don't know.

All right, but seriously,

she can't ride in my chopper.

♪

Jackie, can you come in here, please?

♪

You wanted something?

No...

but an overweight man in Ohio wants that shirt back.

It's from Talbots.

Hey-ah!

Are they feeding you jokes via an earpiece?

No...

No?

All right, fine.

The corporate retreat is my only opportunity

to get face time with the big dogs.

Gabe and Noah over here wrote for "The Harvard Lampoon,"

and they were executive story editors

on "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody."

What a great use of a Harvard education.

We can't all go to Bad Life Choices University.

That's right, I said... I mean, they said it,

but then I said it.

In your face!

♪

You forgot to assign homework!

God, even in your dreams, you're still you.

I know.

I'm exhausted.

That's why I need this retreat so bad.

I'm just gonna get there, chill out,

and make sure Wendy sleeps on her side.

Why do you do so much for these people?

- They're like children. - No, they're not so bad.

199, 200!

A new record!

Emily, we're out of post-its!

Okay, maybe they are a little like children.

All the more reason why I need to be the one

who keeps the train running.

Even though Emily-bot needs her batteries recharged.

I'm gonna let that go because you're tired.

Emily, when are we leaving?

I wanna be a-floatin' on a lazy river.

And I have to pee,

but I'm holding it for the lazy river.

Lazy rivers are corny.

I'm going to an artisanal honey tasting hosted by Ira Glass.

Oh, I'm your friend, and even I wanna b*at you up right now.

Guys, we're a team.

We have to wait for Dorothy,

even though she's super late.

I don't wanna have to give away her t-shirt.

She does say that a lot.

Trust me, no one needs to get out of this office

more than me.

We just have to wait a few more...

Which alarm is that?

- Zombie virus? - Alien invasion?

Giant spider robots

from another dimension where the Nazis won?

No, that one goes, "Ee-yoo-ee-yoo-ee-yoo."

Oh.

- It's a gas att*ck. - Ugh.

Breaking News:

Supervillain, and documentary star,

Dr. Psycho, has just released

an unknown toxic gas into Charm City.

The mayor urged citizens to stay indoors

as his limousine pulled away.

Scientists estimate that it will take at least 12 hours

for the gas to disperse.

Who'd have thought someone named Dr. Psycho

would be capable of something like this.

All right, everyone.

Doctor Psycho.

He went to medical school.

We should get on the bus.

It says that if the gas reaches critical levels,

the whole building will go into lock...

Emergency lockdown procedure initiated.

Stay calm.

I'll take "unknown gas att*cks"

for 500, Alex.

Get...

I can't believe they think it's going to take 12 hours

for the gas to disperse.

That's what they said when Jackie ate

that vending machine burrito.

In yo face!

I can't believe this is happening.

Ugh, I needed this retreat so bad.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, Emily,

this is all your fault.

If you didn't make us wait for Dorothy,

we'd be on a bus to Coast City right now,

asking Wendy to stop drawing penises on people's faces.

Then stop falling asleep.

Oh, my God, Dorothy.

Hey, what if she's stuck out there in the gas?

Actually...

she's already at the retreat.

Uh.

- Great. - Okay, this is officially

the worst retreat ever.

Guys, I'm in charge. Don't freak out, okay?

Relax. Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Oh, my God. My chopper can't make it because of the gas.

We're all gonna be stuck in here together.

I'm freaking out!

I can't believe this is happening.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

I can fix this.

Now, there is no reason we can't have fun and bond here.

You know, I've got my karaoke machine, and...

All: No!

So that's a maybe on the karaoke,

but give me 20 minutes, and I will throw something together

you guys will love.

I'd rather take my chances with the gas.

I think we'd all rather you did that.

Ho-ho-ho!

Jackie, could you get that microphone I just dropped?

Whoops!

You didn't get it because you know it's not real.

♪

All right.

I didn't have a ton of time,

and these are my backup decorations,

so go easy on me.

Okay, who wants a flaming volcano?

Yep.

I guarantee you'll lava them.

If you want, I can get my guys to punch that up for you.

And to pass the time, I have a bunch of fun games.

It'll be just like we're at the retreat.

- So there's kayaking? - Well, no.

- Parasailing? - No.

- Wakeboarding? - No,

and before anyone asks another one,

we are trapped in the office,

the limitations of which you are very familiar.

Mm-hmm.

White water rafting?

Shut up, Teddy.

I'll tell you what we do have.

Kelly Clarkson's greatest hits on karaoke!

All: No!

Okay, back in the maybe pile.

You know, this might be the four volcanoes talking,

but I don't totally hate this.

Yeah, I don't hate this either.

I do hate this, but not as much as I thought I would.

I'm being told this is a bad joke area...

anyway, I'm also not having a hellish time.

Guys, I think we owe somebody a big thank you.

Awe, guys.

To alcohol!

all: To alcohol!

Well, who wants to play a game of desert island companion?

Mm!

Is that where you pick someone to go in a closet with you

for seven minutes to suck face?

'Cause I choose Van.

- Let's go. - Uh, no.

No, no.

We have no confirmation that that is the game.

That's not the game.

That is not the game, Wendy, that is not the game.

You pick one person you'd wanna be paired with

if you were stranded on a deserted island.

It's a team building game.

Jackie, who would you pick?

I'd go by myself.

Okay, let's say if you went by yourself,

you would starve to death.

- That's fine. - Oh.

I'd pick Van because he's rich, and...

people would probably look for him.

Also, I can tell by his brittle nails

that he has an iron deficiency,

so by day ten...

I'd be able to overpower him,

and then I'd eat him.

Piece by piece.

While he was still alive so that the meat doesn't spoil,

and I could survive long enough to be rescued.

- Teddy, you're up! - Well...

Team building is super lame,

but obviously, if I had to pick somebody,

I would pick my boy, Ron, because he's my boy.

Awe.

Ron, what about you?

- Oh, I know, I'd pick... - Go ahead.

- Um... - Go ahead.

- Jackie. - Awkward!

How are you not picking me?

It's just that Jackie's smart and practical, and plus,

she's a mom so you know she keeps snacks in her purse.

Yeah, but we're best friends.

If we were doing practical, I would've picked Emily.

Aww, Teddy, that...

But I don't want to spend time with Emily.

I wanna hang out with my bro!

Fine, look, if you must know,

it's just that nothing's ever good enough for you.

And if you're on a desert island,

you must remain positive.

There's a reason why Tom Hanks put a smiley face

- on that volleyball. - Oh, come on,

at best, that volleyball looked nonplussed.

He was bewildered.

Well, I wouldn't bring Teddy because

he's too frail to catch or be food.

Well, I would never bring you, Wendy.

And by the way, I have been blasting my quads lately,

and they are a healthy dose of lean protein.

- Jackie, feel my thigh. - No.

- Feel the thigh! - No!

I told you, I don't want to eat any of you idiots.

I just want to die alone.

Well, luckily for you, that is definitely going to hap...

Don't finish that sentence if you want to live.

Okay, guys,

I think we're missing the point of the game.

You're supposed to say something positive.

Well, I'm positive that Teddy couldn't spear a fish

to save his life.

The hell I can't.

I bet you 50 bucks you can't throw this tiki torch

hard enough to knock over that trash can.

Again, not the game.

- You're on. - Yeah!

Oh, I'm going in on this action.

Oh, God.

All right, give me some room. Give me some room,

- give me some room. - All right, all right, all right.

Here we go.

all: Oh!

So, that happened...

Gas breach.

- Oh! - Follow me!

Gas breach.

Gas breach.

Good thinking, Wendy.

Okay, we should all get the gas masks.

Oh, they're out there.

What? Where?

Why did you bring us in here, then?

Uh, because it has everything we need.

A particle accelerator, a quantum field synthesizer,

and a bucket where we can go to the bathroom.

But there's no food or water.

Well, there's that karaoke machine you love so much.

- Oh, goody! - Ah, it's broken.

No, it's right...

Oh.

I changed my mind.

I'm picking Teddy for that desert island thing.

Oh, look at that! Maybe Jackie's my boy.

How dare you! Traitor!

Okay, okay, we are a little stressed.

Now, if we can get the gas masks,

we can get supplies, and somewhere safe, and...

Who went in the bucket?

You gave me four volcanoes.

I'm only a man.

All right.

It's not a big deal.

One of us will go get the hazmat suit,

grab the gas masks, and come back.

Where are the hazmat suits?

Well, you planned a costume party

the first night of the retreat,

so Dorothy and Randy went as Walter White and Jesse Pinkman.

Can we focus?

We just need someone to hold their breath,

and go out there, and get the masks.

We don't know what that gas will do to my skin,

or my white linen suit.

Well, I shouldn't go.

I'm a bit of a wildcard.

You can't trust what I'll do out there.

Yeah, and we've already established

that I'm totally useless in a survival situation, so...

Okay, well, that's fine

because I am perfectly happy

staying here and dying alone.

Check, please.

So that happened.

Wait, I already said, "So that happened."

Uh, Noah's more of the joke guy...

I write the heart moments.

Anyway, he got stuck out in the gas.

The joke guy's dead?

Ah, well, well, well.

Looks like the joke van's running on empty.

Ruh-roh.

Damn it.

Ruh-roh?

Guys...

where's Emily?

♪

I just need a helmet.

Huh.

♪

This isn't the bathroom bucket, is it?

No, it's another bucket.

Good save.

♪

How do I get these masks down?

Hold on.

Teddy's checking the manual.

Okay, this manual is a mess.

Who wrote this abomination? John Grisham?

Oh, not even John Grisham is safe from your wrath, now?

This is why you're not on my desert island.

You know what, I wouldn't wanna be on a island with you,

"The Pelican Brief," and your phony positive attitude.

Guys, can you stop bickering for one second and focus?

I'm running out of oxygen,

and I'm pretty sure this is the bathroom bucket.

It is. Over.

You guys are useless.

♪

I got 'em!

Yes!

I'm the funny one!

I'm only partners with that hack

because he lets me live in his mother's basement.

Her sandwiches are delicious.

Emily, Emily!

Okay, whatever you do, don't...

- Breathe in.

♪

♪

Emily, honey?

Are you okay, sweetie?

Am I okay?

How nice of you to ask.

Oh, she's fine, guys.

Because in all the time I've worked here,

not one of you selfish bastards

have expressed any interest in how I feel.

I am like the mother bird who vomits into your mouths

to keep you alive, and what do I get back?

Bitch, whining, moaning.

When all I wanted was to sing a little karaoke, and

to wear cute and thoughtful matching t-shirts!

Well, if you're too cool to match,

then you're too cool for matching gas masks.

- All: No! - No, no, no, no!

I'd like to recant my earlier assessment.

♪

I feel like it's some kind of anger gas.

Hey, Van,

I have a question for you.

Do you wipe your own ass?

Because I've never seen you do anything by yourself.

And I hope Wendy does eat you,

because then at least you'd serve some purpose,

you entitled, iron-deficient, son of a bitch.

For the record,

I do wipe myself.

I have since I was a little over 30.

- Oh, you showed her. - Yes.

Star Labs has confirmed

the mysterious fog is truth gas.

Well, that's not so bad.

Exposure to the gas for more than two hours will, however,

cause a nervous system to shut down,

resulting in death.

Now, for some sports scores

from that lying piece of crap who will never leave his wife,

Brock Donovan.

You guys probably didn't hear this,

but Emily said if she d*ed, I get all her stuff.

Emily, honey?

Okay, you gotta come in here.

The gas is gonna k*ll you.

You know what's k*lling me?

That none of you ever say thank you.

You know, you complained about how every retreat sucks,

so I busted my ass to find one

with a artisanal honey tasting.

You know, crapping all over other people's tastes

does not mean you have any, Teddy.

Your track suits make you look like Daft Punk

without the helmet!

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Her mind is gone.

I mean, she's talking nonsense.

- Right, Jackie? - Emily is not coming in.

Someone's gonna have to go save her.

Normally, that's be Emily.

- Hmm. - So are you gonna do it?

I came up with the idea, so I've done my part.

And I also have a good reason.

Damn it.

You guys don't want to be adults about this?

Maybe duck-duck-goose, or...

All right, okay.

Now, if you get into any trouble,

two tugs and we'll pull you out.

Lure her in with this cherry Danish.

♪

♪

I've got nothing.

Still nothing.

Oh, wait a minute.

I see something.

Oh, hello, Emily.

Would you like a cherry Danish?

Get him!

- Pull me back in, Teddy! - Go!

- A little help, a little help... - You got it, you got it!

- You got this. - A little help?

I'd help, but...

Pull it!

- You've got this! - I don't want

your stupid cherry Danish!

♪

She was so mean!

Do you think I use my cuteness as a crutch?

No, Ron.

So now what?

The bathroom bucket's gone, and Emily's about to die.

We need to fix one of these things.

You know, I'm not usually one for making speeches, but, uh...

Do you remember what it was like before Emily came here?

We were all just a bunch of strangers

working in the same office...

but then, a funny thing happened.

A lady named Emily arrived, and she taught us how to love.

She taught us how to care.

By taking care of all of us.

- Is he doing an accent? - Yeah.

But she made us a family, and family means doing...

even if you're doing something you might not want to do,

but doing it we're gonna do.

And not just for us...

for Emily!

That. Was. Beautiful.

And look at the instrument I had to play.

Guys, Van...

slash, Gabe, is right.

I think we know the sacrifice we need to make

to get Emily back in here.

All: Oh,.

♪ Here's the thing, we started out friends ♪

♪ It was cool, but it was all pretend ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, since you've been gone ♪

♪ You dedicated, you took the time ♪

♪ It wasn't long till I called you mine ♪

♪ And that's all you'd ever hear me say ♪

♪ But since you been gone ♪

♪ I can breathe for the first time ♪

♪ I'm so moving on ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Hey, hey...

not this time.

So you really don't remember anything?

No, it's a complete blank.

So, even though we never made it to Coast City,

you guys really think it was the best retreat you've ever had?

Oh, for sure.

And it was all thanks to you, Emily.

Thanks, Emily.

Aw, guys, come on. You don't need to thank me.

Sure.

You know, we appreciate how much you do for us,

but, like, you don't have to.

You're family.

We love you no matter what.

Plus we'd hate for you to go all psycho on us.

I don't even know what that would look like.

But maybe you're right.

I do need to be able to trust you guys,

and that's part of being a family too.

You know, we're thinking about going to karaoke tonight.

- Do you wanna... - I'm in!

I love karaoke.

We figured.

Can we sing Kelly Clarkson?

Mm-hmm.

Heh. That's funny.