03x02 - Don't Be Ridiculous

[bunniefuu]

Nora: Did the missing person use
an aluminum-based deodorant?

Woman: The man didn't
shower for five years.

Hygiene was not a priority.

Nora: Did the missing person have visual
impairment or wear corrective lenses?

Woman: No. Uh, no, ma'am.
He had 20/20 vision.

He could see from the top of that
pillar all the way to the bridge.

Nora: Can you please describe your
relationship to the missing person?

He was my husband.

Your husband, what was he, uh,
doing up there on that pillar?

Is that on your
little questionnaire, too?

No. I was just curious.

- Guess.
- What?

Guess. What do you think
he was doing up there?

I think it was an elaborate
coping mechanism.

Coping mechanism for what?

For whatever pain he was suffering.

Honey, he wanted to suffer.

He settled for the pillar only after
we got arrested trying to crucify him.

I got one nail in before those
f*ckers had me in cuffs.

For country, my ass.

But that pillar
did the trick just fine.

He stayed up there in the rain,

in the cold, in the burning sun.

And he ate and he peed
and he sh*t up there.

He never came down, never touched
another person, not even his own wife.

That man never wavered.

He proved himself to God,

and-- and last night
he got his reward.

- You saw him depart?
- Yes, ma'am.

He looked so calm and at peace.

And all of a sudden,
he just kind of faded out

like he was on a dimmer.

And, um-- and he was gone.

And it was beautiful.

So, you just happened to be
awake and looking right at him

at the exact moment
that he, uh, dimmed out?

I wasn't the only one who saw him.

Ask around.

She says there will be another
departure here on the 14th.

I mean, I didn't
actually see it happen,

but, uh, how else could he
get down from that thing?

And the man on the pillar was the first
to go because he was the highest up.

I don't-- I don't know
how else to explain it.

He just popped like a bubble.

Mm-hmm. His wife was a woman of God

and, uh-- and she spent all
morning with the preacher, so...

Thank God for the preacher.

Would you happen to know
the name of this preacher?

Hello?

It's open. Come in.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just a nosebleed.

I take it you're here to
yell at me about the book?

What book?

The one I gave Kevin.
He didn't tell you?

Oh, no, he told me.
I'm staying out of it.

So, you wanna tell me where
the man on the pillar is?

It's my understanding he departed.

I didn't witness it myself,
but that's what people saw.

People also saw you with his wife.

Sandy and I are friends.

She lost a husband. I offered comfort.

Matt, I can literally see the lie
wheel turning in your brain.

When did I ever lie to you?

When I was five,
I stood out on the street

while our house b*rned down
with our mom and dad inside

and you told me it didn't hurt
because they were already in heaven.

They are.

Where is he, Matt?

You know, that poor woman

lived across the bridge in that
horrible encampment for three years

just to be close to her husband.

And when they finally
allowed her back in,

she pitched her tent right
at the base of that pillar

and took care of him every single day,

even though he never acknowledged her,

never gave a word of thanks.

Her loyalty and devotion,

I've never seen anything like it.

Except when you did it for Mary.

I get it, Matt. She left.

My heart breaks for both of you,

but you making up this bullshit
story about some nutjob departing--

He had a heart att*ck.

He fell and he d*ed,

and his wife brought him to the church

and asked me to give him
a Christian burial.

And she asked me to promise--
promise-- not to say anything,

but I didn't lie, Nora.

I did not lie.

He deserves a legacy.

Can't you give a man a little grace?

So, are you gonna dig
him up or should I?

Kevin: One's for dry cleaning,
one's for gym clothes,

and then the last one's
for everything else.

Nora: Honey, you don't need to justify
your desire to have three hampers.

It's not a desire, it's a need.

Well, maybe we should
get a fourth hamper

just in case one breaks.

You're jealous. That's okay.

It's hard to acknowledge my genius idea.

Boy, is it?

- Ready?
- Yep.

All right.

One King James Bible

wrapped in Saran Wrap.

One thermos.

Empty.

What?

If I told you this was a picture
of him and a k*ller whale,

- would you believe me?
- No, I would not.

Huh!

John: Good morning.

Taking over up there?

Just cleaning up.

Came by to pay my respects.

He was friends with Michael.

Hey, John, I read your book.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Kevin left it in the
bathroom and I picked it up,

and before I knew it,
20 minutes had flown by.

It's exciting.

Y'all have a nice day.

I didn't leave it in the bathroom.

If we can't have a sense of humor
about you being the Messiah,

we're gonna have a problem.

These are his personal effects.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Me, too, me, too.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Well, I appreciate that
very much, sweetheart.

If you don't mind, I'm just gonna sit
here and smoke my coping mechanism.

She's just hurt.

Of course she is.

Man: You took him from his pillar.

Now he sits in heaven by Your side.

He departed from our world
to be rewarded in Yours.

- Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus.
- Excuse me. Hello.

Hi.

You know what happened to him?

- What really happened?
- Come on.

Have a good day. God bless.

God bless?

Who gives a sh*t if they wanna
believe that he lifted?

It's not true.

Well, in 10 days when
the world doesn't end,

they're all gonna go home

and they're gonna find
something else that's not true.

Till then, I need to keep things
nice and calm.

- I am nice and calm.
- Yeah. Hey.

You're the calmest and the
nicest person I know.

Hard part's over.

Just gonna cr*ck this open, okay?

And you are free. Congratulations.

How's it feeling?

Can you wiggle your
fingers, make a fist?

Good as new. Thank you.

Miss Durst, I'm sorry if
this seems inappropriate,

but when you came in last
month to get the cast,

one of the orderlies,

he said he saw you in the
parking lot before you came in.

I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding,

but he said that he saw you

slam your car door
on your arm on purpose.

Now, why in God's name
would I do that?

Hello?

Man: Hi. Is this Nora Durst?

Yes. Who is this?

Is this a secure line?

Who is this?

It's Mark Linn-Baker.

- Who?
- Mark Linn-Baker.

I'm, uh, calling on behalf
of a third party

and they-- well,
they've asked me to ask you

would you like to see
your children again?

What?

Your children, Erin and Jeremy,

would you like to see them again?

I've got news for you, you sh*t.

Your third party
obviously doesn't know

that I'm a fraud investigator
for the DSD

and I'm gonna have this call traced

and I'm gonna find out
what exactly it is--

They know your kids' names, Nora.

I'm pretty sure they know what you do.

And they don't care.
You don't have to trace me.

I'm at the Crown Central in St. Louis.

Just ask for Mark Linn-Baker.

- St. Louis?
- Yes.

And I'm only gonna be here
for the next 24 hours,

so if you want to see your children,

you need to come and see me in person.

Nora?

Yeah?

This is real.

George Brevity. Hello.

Hey, George. It's Nora Durst.

Oh, hey, Nora. I just got your
paperwork on the Pillar Guy.

Extra credit for sending
photos of the corpse.

Oof! What, did he land on his head?

Oh, is that Durst?
Go and ask her, man.

Oh, hey. Ocko wants to
know if you ever found out

what he was doing up on
that thing for five years.

Suffering, apparently.
Hey, George, listen.

Tell me, how do I know
the name Mark Linn-Baker?

The "Perfect Strangers" guy?

Who?

The sitcom. Yeah, they were cousins.

- One of them was a foreign guy-- Yalki.
- Ocko: Balki.

George: Balki, right. Yeah.

Yeah, Mark Linn-Baker
was the other cousin.

He faked his departure.

Yeah, Balki and the two actresses
who played their wives

lifted on the 14th.

Mark felt left out and ran off
to Mexico for three years.

You know what he's doing now?

No. Why?

I think he's running a carrot
stick out of St. Louis.

No sh*t?

Will you authorize my travel?

Aw, jeez, Nora, I mean, we got
our hands full right now,

you know, with
the seven-year itch coming.

- Can't it wait?
- I need to go now, today.

I think this is really big.

All right.

Keep all your receipts, okay?

Okay.

- Thanks.
- All right, bye-bye.

She's going.

- Hey.
- Hey!

What are you doing home?

Uh, I just came home
to change a shirt.

Oh.

Sick of me already?

I have to go to St. Louis for work.

Just a couple of nights.

Oh.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

Oh, do you mind if I borrow this?

I need something to read on the plane.

Really?

You don't want me to take it?

No. Uh, no. Matt said
there's only one copy.

Maybe Matt should've gone to Kinko's.

Oh.

Are you-- you busting my balls?

Can the holy balls be busted?

I'd love for you to take it.

We're on the same page
about this, right?

- It's ridiculous?
- Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Mm. "And she did kiss
the lips of Kevin."

"And lo, it was good."

Love you.

Try not to walk on too much
water when I'm gone, okay?

- I won't.
- Okay.

And I love you, too.

_

_

_

_

May I help you, ma'am?

Uh, this isn't letting me hit "no."

And are you traveling
with an infant today?

- No.
- Okay.

Hmm.

It must be a dead spot.
Just go ahead and click yes.

It doesn't matter. You're
only taking up one seat.

May I use another kiosk, please?

All right, a deluxe room, one king.

Just a reminder,
we are a nonsmoking hotel.

And you requested that a rental
car be dropped off for you

here at the hotel tomorrow morning?

- Yes, that's right.
- Great.

Is there anything else
that I can help you with?

Actually, I'm here to meet
with one of your guests.

Oh, of course. May I have
the guest's name, please?

Um, Mark Linn-Baker.

Mark: Who is it?

They just called from downstairs.
You know who it is.

It's Nora Durst.

Please, come on in.

Did you know they have a
tailor here on premises?

I bought this suit yesterday.

They just sent a guy up, measures me.

Two hours later, it's back.

I never had a suit
fit like this in my life.

It's very nice.

May I have your cell phone, please?

- What?
- Your phone.

I just need to make sure
you're not recording this.

I'm not.

Please?

Ugh, okay.

Hey! What-- what are you doing?!

Sorry. It's just hardware.

Ugh.

Everything that matters is
up there in the cloud, right?

Uh, please, have a seat.

Uh, sorry.

I took notes.

- I don't wanna mess up the science.
- Mm.

Okay.

There are a couple types
of radiation--

non-ionizing and ionizing.

Now, there are a couple types of that.

There's alpha, beta,
gamma, and neutron.

Neutron is rare.

You only find it near particle
accelerators or reactors.

And yet, trace amounts were catalogued

within the first 48 hours
following October 14th

at sites where departures occurred.

- You with me so far?
- Oh, absolutely.

All right, the guys
who discovered this,

they bring their findings
to Switzerland.

And the physicists, the best
physicists in the world,

they confirm those findings.

And they name it LADR--

Low Amplitude Denziger Radiation.

So, great. Big deal.

They found LADR at departure sites.

But it's a footprint.

A shadow.

You can't do anything with it
because it dissipated.

It's gone.

Well, what if they could make more?

If they could recreate it?

They could build a device

and whatever they put
inside that device,

they could blast it
with that radiation...

and it would go.

Go? Where?

Wherever they went.

The 2%.

So, they built it, this device?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Then why haven't I heard of it?

No one would let them conduct
beta testing on live subjects.

- You mean people?
- Right.

Because they were
blasting them with radiation?

Exactly.

So, they had to leave Switzerland.

The unit is mobile now.

They don't stay
in one place for too long.

That was smart of them.

Ah.

I know what you're thinking.

They made me go to a hotel in Phoenix.

I felt the same way you do right now

when I heard it the first time.

- Her name was Lauren.
- Uh-huh.

Where's Lauren now?

She went through.

- Through?
- Through.

So, what's the cost?

Well, it's different for everyone.

Uh, I think it's based on a
percentage of your overall net worth.

- I can tell you what I paid--
- Mark.

- Yeah?
- I don't know if you

are a part of this or a victim of it,

but if this is real, if they've
actually built this device,

they're not sending people
to some magical place

to be with their loved ones.

They're incinerating them.

They will call you on this

with a formal invitation
and instructions.

All you have to do is answer it.

And this is a digital record

of the people who have gone through.

119 testimonials.

They are not hapless suckers,

not victims.

Each and every one of them had
to pass an IQ test to qualify.

There's a Nobel laureate in there.

I have two degrees from Yale.

Are you married, Mark?

Not anymore. You?

I'm in a committed relationship.

Oh, well, then I guess

I am just wasting my breath, huh?

Yes, you are.

And I think you may be suicidal.

F-four series regulars.

Three go, one stays.

Me.

You know what the odds of that are?

One in 128,000.

What happened was arbitrary.

It was purposeless.

It wasn't my fault.

I didn't to anything to deserve this.

So, no, Nora,
I don't wanna k*ll myself.

I wanna take some f*cking control.

My name is Christopher Alan Trewitt.

Date of birth-- 27-05-68.

This is a copy of this morning's
"Wall Street Journal."

I hereby indemnify all other parties

as it relates to
my physical well-being.

I am of sound body and mind

and I give my full consent for
the journey I'm about to take,

whatever the destination.

My name is Maria Carmen Rodriguez.

Date of birth-- 08-30-80.

This is a copy of this
morning's "Las Noticias."

This was my choice and mine alone.

I indemnify all others.

I'm of sound mind and body

and give consent to go--

to go wherever they went.

Amen.

Man: My name is Paul Matiba.

I was born December 4, 1969.

This is today's
"Philadelphia Inquirer."

I'm of sound mind and body.

My name is Marilyn J. Ohshima.

Date of birth--

20 January 1977.

My name is Edward Adam Drechin.

Born the 8th of August, 1974.

- Man: I hereby indemnify all others.
- Man #2: My name is Ray Tosh.

Date of birth-- 14th April, 1985.

I have a copy of this morning's paper.

_

Come on.

Hey! I saw that.

That's not yours.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

This is yours, right?

Who are you?

Nora?

Christine, hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I'm in town on-- on business.

So...

It's great to see you.

Man over P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Austin
International Airport

where the local time is about 4:35 PM.

If you're visiting Texas, we're
happy to have y'all with us.

And if you live here, welcome home.

Woman's voice: Please
insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

_

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

I prepaid at the f*cking machine!

What do you want me to do?!

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking ticket.

Please insert your parking...

Woman's voice: Thank you.

Hi.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

So, Michael said
Tommy's party was fun.

Yeah, it was nice. You were missed.

See you got your cast off.

Oh, yeah. The day before yesterday.

You know I would've done it for you.

I didn't wanna waste your time.

How'd you break it?

I'm clumsy.

Did I ever tell you how the day
after October 14th I broke my leg?

There was a picture of me on
crutches in the newspaper

once they found out about my family.

The headline was "Nora Cursed."

Rhymes with Durst.

- Nora.
- Hmm?

How'd you break it?

I don't wanna lie to you.

Then don't.

I broke it to cover something up.

Show me.

It's the logo for the Wu-Tang band.

- I think you mean the Wu-Tang Clan.
- Right.

Big fan.

What were you covering up?

Um, my kids' names.

Um...

The artist did a beautiful job.
It was very tasteful.

Very understated.

And it didn't hurt, the needle.

It was-- it felt good.

But, um...

just as he was finishing up,

I played it out.

I thought for the rest of my life

people would come up to me
and they would say,

"Oh, what a nice tattoo.

Who are Erin and Jeremy?"

And I would say,
"They're my children."

"I'm Nora cursed.

Ask me about my poor,
departed children."

It's pathetic.

So, I pointed to the first
thing I saw on the wall--

it looked like a phoenix-- and I--

I told the guy to give
me that one instead.

Just cover it up, please,
like it never f*cking happened.

I was having a bad day.

I think I'm going crazy.

Mm-mm.

You are not going crazy, Nora.

How are you not
going crazy after Evie?

Evie d*ed...

and I got to bury her.

I got to bury her.

I bought a trampoline.

Come on.

Ugh.

Evening, ma'am.

License and registration, please.

My boyfriend's the chief
of police in this town.

You think I can get off
with a warning, Officer?

Okay.

Consider yourself warned.

I just got off my shift.
Do you wanna go grab a drink?

Can I take a rain check? I just
got back from a business trip.

Business trip?

Christine called you?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't go to see her.

I was in St. Louis on business.

They live in Kentucky.

How'd you even know where to find her?

She's not hiding, Tom.

She's putting pictures of Lily

- on Instagram and Facebook.
- Her name's not Lily anymore.

Christine just wants to know
if she should be worried.

She came after me.

She filed for custody because she made
the single worst mistake of her life.

She wanted to fight me.
And did I fight back, Tom?

No.

No, I didn't.

I sat across from her
at the deposition,

and all I saw was a mother
who had lost her child.

And I gave her child back.

And now she doesn't know who I am.

So, no, Tom, nobody
has to worry about me.

Kevin adopted me when I was three.

I don't even remember that.

I grew up thinking he was my real dad.

Then, when I was 10,

he and my mom decided that I
should know about my real father,

my biological father.

I spent the next 10 years of my life

knocking on some
assh*le's f*cking door

who wanted nothing to do with me.

He had moved on. He had a new family.

So, I wish they wouldn't have told me,

because I was already
where I belonged.

Well, do you know what I wish?

I wish you'd never left her for me.

I didn't leave Lily for you, Nora.

I left her for my dad.

I didn't even know you existed.

Can I print a photo from this?

Which one do you wanna print?

This one, please.

- Jesus.
- How big can I make it?

You are a heartless bitch.

Hey! Hey! Hey, God damn you!

God damn you to hell!

You're home.

Uh...

I thought you were gone till tomorrow.

I tear it off every time.

I just do it to feel, uh...

I don't wanna die.

It's okay.

It is?

You don't need to explain, Kevin.

Hey, look.

I got a tattoo.

A couple hundred more
and I'll catch up with you.

Let's have a baby.

What?

I wanna have a baby with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Hey.

Sorry.

Are you happy?

Yes.

I'm happy, too.

Let's not f*ck that up, okay?

I need to get that.

Yeah.

- Yes?
- Woman: Hello. Miss Durst?

Yes.

Thank you for answering the call.

Mark explained the opportunity
we're offering you?

Yes.

Someone is standing by to meet you

at the Crown Central
in Melbourne, Australia.

Can you be there by Tuesday
with $20,000 in cash?

- Yes, I can do that.
- Excellent.

We'll see you then.

- Who was that?
- Work.

I need to go to Australia.

Just for a couple of days.

Can I come with you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't be sure just yet, Jean,

but with the seventh anniversary

of October 15th fast approaching,

we may see some hellfire
moving up from the south.

And off the Gold Coast, a
high-pressure system of locusts

and perhaps blood boiling out.

Where you off to, then?

Oh, uh, just closing up, Chief.

Nothing's happening tonight.

You a psychic, Gerry?

Sorry?

Are you, like, uh, clairvoyant?

Can you see into the future?

- Uh, no, chief.
- No?

It's just that you've concluded
that nothing's gonna happen tonight

because nothing has happened?

Yeah.

I-it's just, um,

Ginny's not feeling well, so...

Ginny?

Who's that?

You know who she is.

I honestly don't.

I mean, it can't be your wife
'cause haven't got a wife.

I mean, it--

sh*t, I know who you're talking about.

You're talking
about your dog, aren't ya?

Yep.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid little Ginny's

gonna have to wait for you
to come home tonight

because, uh, you're on duty.

Yes, Chief.

- Yep.
- Good.

Cruiser one's got
'roo brains all over it,

so give it a wash, will ya?

I'm gonna take yours.

This oughta be good.

Good evening.

G'day, sweetheart.

Ladies.

May I ask why you're
blocking my driveway?

Are you chief of police?

Indeed I am.

Is your name Kevin?

Indeed it is.

"And He looked at them
and raised His hand,

but they did not wave in response.

And so He clutched
the stone to His chest

and jumped into the water."

I don't know what the f*ck
you're talking about.

I know who you are.

Well, I don't know who you are.

My name is Grace Playford

and I need your help.

Well, Grace, uh, I'm off duty,

so why don't you and your
girlfriends run along home

before I call Mr. Playford?

Will you come with us, please?
I can explain everything.

No, no, no, I don't want you
to explain f*cking anything.

I want you to get the f*ck
off my property and...

What the...?!

Jesus, Florence!

He wasn't coming.

What the f*ck?!

What's happening?

It's all right.

You're amongst friends.

We know who you are.

Let me go!

I don't know why
you're acting this way,

but if I have to prove
I know, then so be it.

Maybe it's not him.

It's him.

Let me go, you f*cking c**t!

I'll see you in two minutes.

Kevin: Stop it!

No!

f*ck off!

Grace, what if it's not him?

It's him.

But what if it's not?

Okay, let him up.

Okay, let him up!

Kevin?

Kevin?

Kevin?

Hey.

Kevin, you need to wake up now.

We know who you are.

Wake up.

Help me.

Help me get the ropes off.

Let's get him off.

Get him off!

Grace: We've gotta get him...

Come on!

You all right, Naomi?

Grace: Kevin, wake up.

Hey!

What are you ladies up to?