02x02 - A.E.G.I.S and You

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: There are monsters out there.

Make no mistake,
it takes heroes to fight them.

But it takes more than heroes
to make us safe.

That's where we come in.

The men and women of AEGIS,

marching in lockstep
towards a future

where all citizens
are watched over and protected.

In fact, you can think of AEGIS
as a government-funded shield,

a shield over you and yours.

Well, that was a little cool.

A little cool?
Tick, are you kidding me?

We're here at AEGIS.
I mean, we're really here.

You know, not just for a
school field trip or something.

I mean, man, can you believe
they actually want us

to register as superheroes?

We're already registered,
chum, with destiny.

And she's given us a brand-new
super-villain to fight

and the press has dubbed him
Lobstercules.

ARTHUR:
Uh, I think, I think, Tick,

I-I think that's pronounced
Lobster-cules.

Lobstercules.

- I don't get it.
- I don't either.

Anyhow, we should introduce
this bank-robbing lobster

to Surf and Turf.

Now offering market prices.

Yes, okay, but...
we-we'll do that.

Okay? I promise.
We're on the case.

But first, can we please
just get licensed?

I mean, you heard Rathbone.

He thinks we have a real sh*t
at joining the new Flag Five.

An exciting time to be alive,
am I right?

Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Agent Hobbes,

Acting Branch Director
of Science.

Ha-Have you been there
the whole time?

Yes. I love this movie.

Agent Commander Rathbone
has asked me

to give you a little tour
of the facility.

Well, we have
a crooked crustacean caper

that needs cracking,

so I'm afraid we don't
have the time to...

What? No, we definitely
have the time.

We'd love to take part in that.

Thank you so much for asking us.

Lovely. Follow me.

Forgive the mess.
We're still unpacking.

This office has been shut down
for quite a while.

Seems people like playing army
around here.

Tick, those are real
AEGIS troopers. You know?

"Humanity's first defense
against the unfathomable."

Oh, my God, and that's
the AEGIS Villain Doppler.

Look, it uses
barometric pressure

to predict crime patterns.

I sense a fellow fan.

Hey, it's that bossy guy
with the gas-cap heart.

I want that core up and
radiating by this time tomorrow.

- Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
- Hello, gentlemen.

Glad you decided to show.

See you met our head
egghead here, Dr. Hobbes.

Makes sure that you bring
them up to see the Ops Center.

Oh, and, uh, don't forget
you have that meet and greet

with the Molemen at 3:00.

Some things never change.

Setting up shop in a big town,

you got to make your peace
with the Molemen.

Thank you, sir.

(ALARM BLARING)

MAN: AEGIS personnel! Salute!

Arthur, what's happening?

(QUIETLY): Tick, Tick,
it's the AEGIS anthem, okay?

- Just stay quiet and follow me.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

- Arthur.
- ARTHUR: Shh!

That screeching creature

is sucking the life
out of that man.

ARTHUR (WHISPERING): It's not...
that's not what's happening.

- Okay? Just... What?
- I got it.

ARTHUR: What? Tick. No.

Tick. No. Tick.

Tick, Tick. Tick!

- (MAN GRUNTING)
- (BAGPIPES PLAY INTERMITTENTLY)

He'll be all right.
Just a little winded.

♪ ♪

JOAN: Dot?

Your brother and your father
are waiting for us.

Please, just choose, honey.

- I want the boots.
- DOT: Want the boots.

I'm not getting you
combat boots. I told you that.

DOT: Want the boots.

JOAN: Please, Dot, choose.

YOUNG DOT: I don't know.

JOAN: Dot, hurry up.

I don't think they fit, Mom.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

JOAN: Well, now look.

Your father's under all of that.

That's what you get for being
a minute late, young lady.

You're a minute late.

- Finally.
- (GASPS)

I've been pinned under you
since daybreak.

(GROANS) You had options,
you know.

You could've just moved me or...

chewed your arm off.

Thought about it.

I think we passed out.

You passed out.

I just drifted off.

No. No. I'm taking
another day off work.

- (OVERKILL SIGHS)
- (HELMET VIBRATING)

Please, Overkill, pick up.

Come on. Pick up.

Welcome to the Heroes' Lounge.

Great Caesar's Break Room!

Available to registered heroes

24 hours a day,
seven days a week.

ARTHUR:
Ah, man, this place is amazing.

HOBBES: Here you can enjoy

access to the AEGIS
criminal database

or network with other heroes
or our own personnel.

Or you can simply take a break

at our world-class refreshment
and coffee bar.

Our croissants
are particularly good.

Hmm.

- Ah, man.
- Mmm.

- Mmm, mmm.
- This is particularly good.

Buttery in all the right places.

That would be our nano-butter.

Like regular butter,
but smaller, more advanced.

Small butter. Keen.

This place is unbelievable.

I mean, they got cable TV,
free Wi-Fi.

They even have
phone charging stations.

Yes. Membership does have
its privileges.

Here at AEGIS we like to say,
"We're here to help the heroes

while the heroes are helping
the helpless."

That sounds pretty help-y.

Well, if you are interested,

I'll leave you with these forms
to fill out.

Egad, more paper.

Yeah, no, we are definitely
interested. Thank you.

Have fun with them.

I think we should get started
on these right away.

- They look pretty, uh, thorough.
- (GROANS)

Oh, hey, Arthur. Check this out.

I didn't know Dangerboat
had siblings.

ARTHUR: Huh, that must be
what he used to do here.

Does this mean our woefully
water-bound friend can fly?

Um, I don't know what it means,
but I think we should maybe

ix-nay, you know,
on the angerboat-day.

(LAUGHS) Man, I dig
your crazy mouth music.

(QUIETLY): I'm serious, okay?

We shouldn't talk about him
or Overkill while we're here.

They went rogue
from AEGIS, remember?

Say, do you think AEGIS share
my "m*rder isn't cool" policy?

I think they do, yeah.

You-you know? Which is why
you should sign this.

Mm. (SIGHS)

"Name. The Tick."

All right. Maybe this
won't be so difficult.

E. MORGAN PEARL: Guess what?

(OVER TV):
Superian isn't perfect.

Remember, this is the genius
who told us for years

that The Terror was dead.

It turns out he was tricked.

That's why we're finally seeing
this unprecedented dip

in his approval ratings.

We're all starting to wonder
if Superian isn't perfect,

then what exactly is he, anyway?

- (TV TURNS OFF)
- He's getting a little PO'd.

- Hey, Superian?
- Hey, Larry.

Hey. Uh, just wondering how, uh,
long you want the room for?

Holland is great and all
and, uh...

Larry, what's this?

Oh, no. Oh, don't look at that.

I mean, I know what it is.
I know what it is.

It's a thumbs d-down.
It's... it's a thumbs down!

Social media is
a cesspool, buddy.

I mean, seriously, just the,
just the wrong kind of mirror.

And is it "unlike"
or "not like"?

Because whichever one it is,
it means someone somewhere

is actively disliking me

and, Larry, they're
doing it everywhere.

We got people on that.
We'll get some bots

and we'll trend you
right back up, okay?

- Come on. You're above this.
- I am not above this.

Why don't I just take
the computer...?

Larry. Back off.

Okay. Okay. I'll just
let everyone know

that you are unavailable
until further notice.

Hey, you want to do that thing

where you throw me
high in the air and catch me?

Okay.

(GROANS) Well, this is nice.

I can practically smell
the pineapple.

FRANK: You can, actually.

They pump it in
through the vents.

Hey. We're lucky
we even made it here.

When The Terror went down,
the cops raided your lair.

They took Derek in
for questioning

and they're watching
the place like hawks.

Maybe you should've just
kept running, you know?

I'm not running, Frank.

And I'm not letting
one of Ramses' old captains

take over his operation.
It's my city.

I know, but AEGIS is in town.

Soon there's gonna be
superheroes everywhere.

You won't be able to show
your face in this city.

Yeah, you're right about that.

I still have access
to Ramses' old accounts.

It's a hefty chunk of change.

I'm thinking

I might want
to invest in some super-tech.

Super-tech?

Yeah.

Oh.

I know a guy who knows a guy.

- Go get him.
- Yeah.

And I am done.

Ooh. How are you doing, Tick?

Ugh, this typographic typhoon
has marooned my mind.

Arthur, do I have
any offshore property,

or own any satellites in orbit?

Uh, no. I think it's safe
to put "no" down for that.

All right. (GROANING)

God, how are we gonna fill
all of these out for you?

Ah, this has been a cruel quiz
to pop on a man with no past.

Oh. Hey, Tick, look, I'm sorry
about making you do this.

No, I'm the sorry one, chum.

Your dream of proper
governmental status

is on the line.

If only I could remember
one iota of my origin story,

I'd be able to fill in
the blanks.

Blanks like "origin story."

Wait a second,
how about we check the box

for "mysterious
massive memory loss."

There's a box for that?

- Yeah.
- Uh, do that!

Yeah, that's actually
very, very convenient.

Whoa. Then it's
Mys-Mass-Mem-Loss for me.

- Okay.
- Arthur, you really do have

a sixth sense for paper.

So, how'd we do, gentlemen?

TICK: Great. -Yeah.
I-I think we're pretty much done.

Okay, then if you're ready,
we can begin the testing.

I'm sorry. Testing?

- Yes.
- It's just, I thought you said

all we had to do
was fill out our paperwork,

and then we'd be
well on our way.

Yes, on a journey
with many stops.

NEXT STOP: Testing.

This way.

(BOTH SIGH)

I had the weirdest dream.

I had dreams, once.

Of who I'd like to be,
of who I'd like to k*ll.

No. Like an "I'm asleep" dream.

Right. Got it.

My mom was in it.

We were shopping for shoes.

We were going to meet
Arthur and my dad.

What?

It was the day my dad d*ed.

My mom, she took me shopping
for back-to-school clothes,

and... we took too long.

Wow, I've never dreamed
about that before.

You've been through
a lot lately.

It was so real.

But all twisted.

She kept saying
that I was a minute late.

But the way that she said it,
it was like,

like I was supposed
to fix it somehow.

- Fix what?
- I don't know.

- Everything, I guess.
- The past is poison.

- Bury it in the glacier.
- (HELMET VIBRATES)

I can't really bury it
if it's coming up

- in my dreams...
- Sorry. Helmet call. Hello?

DANGERBOAT:
I've been calling you for hours.

You shouldn't shut off your
helmet ringer in the field.

It's just bad tactical practice.

- What do you want?
- I'm tracking AEGIS Drones.

- Damn it. How many?
- A lot.

And Overkill,
I've decoded some chatter.

Rathbone is in town.

OVERKILL: This is
an unsecured location, DB.

Radio silence until we regroup.

- What's wrong with you?
- Big Brother.

- What, the show?
- No. Not the damn show.

(DRONE WHIRRING)

We can't talk here.

Sky might be listening.

And you don't have
audio scramblers.

- Audio scramblers, what...?
- Shh!

If you want to be less confused,
come with me.

HOBBES: All right.

Oh. Arthur,
you have to drink that.

- It's barium.
- Yeah, I just wanted to ask,

uh, why-why do I have
to drink the barium?

Here at AEGIS, we've been
studying the science

of the superhero for decades.

That's what these tests
are going to determine,

the degree to which
you are super.

And you can figure that out?

Yes, Arthur.

(WHISPERS):
If you drink the barium.

Hmm?

There we go.

You see, the barium helps the
machine detect whether or not

you're what we call a Category.

A Category is an individual
with an ability or a power

that sets them apart
from the rest of humanity.

The higher the power level,

the higher the number
the machine assigns.

So for example, if a superhuman
classed in Category One,

then he may be able
to run faster or heal faster

or, uh, lift more
than is humanly possible.

At Category Two,
a person might have

one or more minor superpowers.

A limited telekinesis,

or slightly extrasensory
perception. You see?

I recently tested a woman
who could bench-press 400 pounds

and also read the mind
of a house cat.

Limited usefulness of that
second power in the field,

but, uh, did get her
to Category Two, so hooray.

Okay, now, Arthur?

It's very important
that you don't move.

Um, is this gonna hurt?

(SCOFFS) Todd?

- Todd says no.
- Oh. Thanks, Todd.

If you do test as something
to write home about,

the machine makes something
of a light show.

I mean, the colors are pretty
dazzling, so... get ready.

- Yeah. I-I'm ready.
- Good.

Here we go.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(MACHINE DINGS)

Well, that was brief.

That-that's it?

It's-it's done?

Only this part of the exam.

It takes a full battery
of tests to determine

whether or not you qualify
for AEGIS registration.

Q-Qualify?

Wait, you mean there's,
there's a chance that I fail?

I mean, we can't
just register any lunatic

in tights and headgear
who wanders in off the street.

That would be chaos.
Right, Arthur?

I'm right.

They say I'm a Category Four.

Yeah, I figured
you'd be up around there.

- How about you?
- Oh, you know.

Not a Four.

So, gentlemen, inside this room
is a machine that will map

your strength, your endurance
and your clinical moxie.

Ah, well, now you're in
for something,

because Arthur here
is full of moxie.

- Ah.
- Sure, he has some bones,

a little hair on top,
BUT INSIDE: Pure moxie.

Show 'em, chum.

Arthur, why don't you go first?

- Gladly.
- Yeah.

HOBBES: Okay, Arthur, please
step to the center of the room

and stand in the yellow square.

The yellow square says "Danger."

Yes. That's the one.

(QUIETLY): Okay...

Man, that arm jouster
is over-the-top.

Yes, the Strong Arm-6000.

It may look very simplistic,
but it's actually

- quite sophisticated.
- (GASPS)

Hey, um, how-how am I supposed
to win against this thing?

No. The-the Strong Arm-6000
is going to win.

It's gonna judge you
by the effort it took to win.

So don't even think
about winning.

Take all thought of winning
out of your mind.

Just go ahead
and lose naturally.

Okay. Takes the pressure off,
I guess.

Oh. Hey. Uh, it's-it's
squeezing me pretty tight.

Is it smiling?

(YELPS)

Arthur!

That's the fastest
incapacitation we've ever had.

He's going to be good
for the dataset.

You all right, Arthur?

Yeah, f-finished
all my homework.

Well. All right, well done.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You may be a titan
of tensile strength,

but today, you tussle
with The Tick.

Testing begins
in three, two, one.

Oh, you call that elbow grease?

Come on.

This is really remarkable.

Yeah, he really is.

Uh, what-what's happening here?

Your friend
is extraordinarily powerful.

The Strong Arm-6000
is absorbing The Tick's energy

and then feeding it directly
back to him.

Oh, hey, Arthur, look!

I'm avenging you!

Great, Tick. That's great.

But let's try to not
break the machine.

What? Oh.

Uh... Uh...

Remarkable.

I think I broke your machine.

Sorry. Uh...

Let's see...

(CLATTERING)

There we go.

I fixed it!

DANGERBOAT:
Overkill, there you are.

I was getting worried.

Dangerboat, you got
your scramblers up yet?

Scramblers up, cloaking on full.

- DOT: Now can we talk?
- Yeah.

- Now we can talk.
- Great. What's going on?

Look, I'm a wanted man,
and Dangerboat's a wanted boat.

When AEGIS rolls into town,
that's when we roll out.

So unless you were meaning
to take a trip to Cuba,

you'd better get out of here.

Why didn't you tell me that
before I came all the way here?

Ubers don't have scramblers.

So you're just running away?

I'm not running away.
I'm retreating, strategically.

You don't understand, okay?

No, of course I don't understand

because you never
tell me anything.

(SIGHS) After the crash,

Agent Ty Rathbone retrained me

as an AEGIS
heavy action operative.

He became like a father to me,

made me the leader
of an elite team:

Perseus Squadron.

We took on missions
that most people

would consider to be impossible.

DANGERBOAT:
And then one mission was.

Our target was located just off
the coast of Miami, South Beach.

Hurricane Ivan was bearing down

like the pinwheel
of some avenging god.

We were sent in to neutralize
a black market,

super-tech kingpin
they called "The Duke."

The Duke knew we were coming.

I lost my entire team.

I managed to k*ll my way
to The Duke

and I cut that bastard's
head off myself.

Then the hurricane hit.

I don't know what happened next,

but I woke up a few hours later
being pushed to shore

by a pod of dolphins.

That's horrible.

I mean, not the dolphins.
The dolphins are cool,

but the rest is horrible.

After the Flag Five,

I swore I'd never let
my family die again,

but I let my family die again.

So Rathbone blames you?

That's what I heard.

Wait, I'm sorry, you never
actually talked to him?

What's the point?
AEGIS thinks I'm the traitor.

And I would, too,
if I were them.

Why is everything
so black and white with you?

My eyes are cybernetic.
I can't change the settings.

Dangerboat,
prime your power cells.

DANGERBOAT: Um, please?

Please. I don't want to stop

until we're in
another time zone.

DANGERBOAT:
Priming power cells now.

Good-bye forever, Dot.

You know what? That's great.

That's actually
really good for me

because this whole thing
is completely ridiculous.

It's totally stupid!
You were framed.

You never even went rogue.

- That's in the past.
- You can't run from your past.

I can totally run from my past.

Talk to Rathbone.

Convince him
you're not the traitor.

You have to at least try.

If you are too afraid
to do even that...

Adios, I guess.

DANGERBOAT: Should I set
a course for Havana?

No.

Okay, but I'm still going
to put on a little salsa

because that got intense.

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYS)

Ah, there you are.

Thought I'd lost you
in all the fuss back there.

- Hey, Tick.
- Uh-oh.

This is a memory lane land mine.

ARTHUR: The last thing
I ever told my dad,

I said to him that I was gonna
join the Flag Five someday.

For a moment there,

with all this talk about
a new Flag Five forming,

I... (SIGHS)

I actually let myself believe

maybe it was gonna
happen for me.

Then let's make it happen.

A-Are you kidding, Tick?

They're not even
gonna let me register.

I-I-I got a zero
on the Category Machine, a zero.

I-I am a zero.

You saw what happened
in that physical exam. I...

Their tests don't mean anything.

I've seen you pass the
real test, the one that counts.

Yeah, well,
their test counts, too.

Okay, Agent Commander Rathbone

would like to have
a word with you.

Good, well, I have a few words
to trade with him..

Not you, Tick. Arthur.

Eh?

- Seriously?
- Yes.

(SIGHS)

This is our big
high-tech connection?

- What is he, 15?
- Miss Lint, this is Edgelord.

Edgelord?

- It's because I push the limits.
- People say he's going places.

- Extreme places.
- What people?

Do you want to stand here
and quiz my extremities?

Or do you want to talk about
the kind of high-technology

that can have
your rivals writhing

under your new kick-ass
electro-convection battle boots?

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

I want to talk about the boots.

- Show her the other stuff.
- The boots are just a start.

With your unique
electrical output,

we can put together something
that can really enhance

your look and your power level.

And you can get all of this?

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- I'm Edgelord.

- I walk between the raindrops.
- (TECHNO MUSIC RESUMES)

ASSISTANT: Follow me, sir.

This way.

Just keep following me, sir.

Arthur Everest, aka "Arthur."

Have a seat.

Test results.

Category Machine
gave you a zilch, zero.

No powers detected.

Most people move the needle
even a little bit,

but you, not at all.

Okay, sir, uh, I know that
I'm not technically super,

b-but I believe that I possess
certain qualities...

Son, why the hell
are you applying

to my agency
for a superhero license?

Look, Agent Commander Rathbone,

I-I know that I don't look like
your typical hero,

but-but I'm here
because this is my des...

Because this is what
I'm supposed to do.

It is, you know,
a-and The Tick and I

are already out there
defending the city.

I mean, I-I'm already
doing the job.

Let's talk about The Tick.

Yeah, I mean, you know,
you saw him.

He's amazing. He's the whole...

We don't even know
what the hell he is.

No I.D., no birth records,
no past.

He could be from outer space.

He could be something that
the Russians are cooking up.

Hell, for all we know,
he could be a big blue genie.

But I can see that
he's formed a bond with you.

You're his damn Jiminy Cricket.

So let's say that we grant you
your superhero license.

There is just one thing
that you need to do for me.

I need you to keep tabs
on your friend.

You tell us if
anything new develops,

if he remembers anything,
if you uncover anything.

I'm-I'm sorry.
You want me to spy on The Tick?

Spying's a whole different
department, son.

I'm just talking tabs,
keeping tabs.

Yeah, uh...

Respectfully, I don't know if
I feel comfortable doing that.

I build teams, son.
I built the Flag Five.

You and The Tick, it's a classic
brain and brawn situation.

I am just asking for the brains
to keep an eye on the brawn,

for both your sakes and the sake
of a grateful nation.

Now... does that sound
like such a bad thing?

I guess not,
when you put it like that.

Then congratulations,
Arthur Everest.

You are officially approved.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

E. MORGAN PEARL:
We humans aren't perfect.

We never claimed to be,

but we know who we are,
and we know where we're from.

We're humans, gosh darn it,

from the good old US-of-A.

But Superian, on the other hand,
he isn't human at all.

As they say, he's not
from around these parts.

He's not from
around these parts.

Maybe Superian
ought to remember that

the next time he tries
to tell us locals what to do.

(SHOUTS)