02x03 - Hot Beige!

[bunniefuu]

I am Agent Commander
Tyrannosaurus Rathbone,

and I'm up here tonight
to talk about AEGIS... and you.

The AEGIS branch in your fair
metropolis had to shut down

a few years back
due to funding cuts.

And in our absence,
we have failed you.

AEGIS and the superhero
community left you high and dry

in the clutches of The Terror
for over a decade.

And for that, we are deeply,
deeply damn sorry.

But if Lobstercules is
any indication,

this town's trials are
far from over.

New villains will plunder,

new heroes will rise,

and that age-old tangle
will start again,

right here, in earnest.

That is why
we have been authorized

to reopen
The City's AEGIS office.

That is why I will be
reinstating the Flag Five.

Didn't think I'd see
his face again.

RATHBONE: I want your town
to have a superhero team

- you can be proud of.
- DANGERBOAT: He's got great bone structure.

Shut up.

RATHBONE: And as for AEGIS,
we will be here,

on the ground, taking decisive
action to secure The City.

From this day forward,
you are safe.

You are protected.

You are under our AEGIS.

I wonder if somewhere in this
tangle of a metropolis,

a certain corrupt crustacean
is shaking in his shell,

knowing The Tick and Arthur
are closing in.

Arthur?

Aw, my little soldier's
all tuckered out.

(MUMBLING): No, no, I don't want
the lobster, I want the penne.

Good night, sweet soldier.

(BIRDS CHIRPING, SQUAWKING)

Huh.

♪ ♪

Hello!

Hello!

SUPERIAN:
Arthur, good. You're up.

Superian... where am I?

We are in the Guatemalan jungle.

I wanted us to have a chance
to talk one on one.

In, in Guatemala?

You brought me all the way

- to Guatemala.
- Anyway, I was out in space,

and I was trying to get
a grip on...

all of it.

AND THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME:

"Wonder what Arthur has to say
about this situation."

Me?

- That's crazy, right?
- Huh.

But I got to say,
I really respected

what you had to say
the last time we talked.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I was out of my mind with
bismuth poisoning at the time,

but it still hit home.

It was very candid.
It was a tough talk.

You reminded me that we all fall
short of perfect sometimes.

Even Superian.

- Mm-hmm.
- And it's that kind

of low-to-ground,
salt-of-the-earth reasoning

that we are gonna need
to deal with this world crisis.

Uh...

I'm-I'm sorry,
there's a world crisis?

That's a thumbs down, Arthur.
And that's not the only thing.

There are Tumblrs and tweets
and "hushtaghs,"

and people saying very

not positive things about me.

(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)

Um... well, uh,

I think maybe, you know,

just don't pay attention
to these people.

Why don't they understand
how much I care about them?

Seriously, I've been here for
a century, doing my darndest

to safeguard humanity
and the world.

I love it here.

You know?

I'm really grateful
that I met you all,

and I-I really want to help you
not go extinct.

(SIGHS) How can I get you all
to understand that again?

I-I-I think we do understand,

if I can speak for everyone.

You know, maybe they need
a little...

- (NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
- reminding right now. -Yeah.

- Yeah.
- How?

Uh... I don't know.

Maybe some sort of gesture?

You know? Like, some way
to let them know

how you really feel.

I think I'm reading your mail.
A grand gesture.

Right.

A gift of some sorts, maybe.

Sure, yeah.

Oh, Arthur, that's excellent.

Arthur, great talking to you.

- Oh, uh, Superian.
- Yeah?

- Uh, can I... go back home now?
- Oh, right, yes.

- I'm your ride, yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

Let me just...
I got to grab my...

- Oh, yeah, get your blanket.
- Yeah. Thanks.

Hmm.

("I WANT MORE" BY BANGS PLAYING)

♪ Force-fed an image,
girl next door ♪

♪ Watch all her movies
and I want more ♪

♪ Turning all their tricks ♪

♪ It's rotten to the core ♪

♪ Tastes so sugary,
but I want more ♪

♪ Do you need it?
We don't know ♪

♪ Just force-feed it
and watch it grow ♪

♪ Grab my hand,
start to look around ♪

♪ 'Cause we just got to burn it
all to the ground right now! ♪

ANNOUNCER (ON TV):
Try new Brown Tingle Zip.

Same great taste,
zero additives.

Brown Tingle Zip!
Completely Terror free. -Tick?

Or enjoy Brown Tingle
"Old School." -Tick?

Arthur! There you are!

(CLATTERING)

When I woke up, you were gone.

I was beside myself.

And the pair of us were frantic.

Please don't disappear
like that again.

Yeah, well, it was less
a disappearance,

you know, more of an abduction.

An abduction? By what fiend?

Uh, Superian, actually.
Pleasant surprise.

Decided to take me out
for breakfast.

What-what happened here,
exactly?

Uh, no idea.
But I can assure you,

I should not be left alone
to steer this apartment.

Okay, well, let's maybe steer it
into some cleanup.

No time. Lobstercules has
clawed his way

into another bank,
continuing his spree of evil.

It's a "spreevil!"

Great, um, let's get on that.

I just need to take
a-a-a shower first,

maybe, or at least
brush my teeth, or...

- Our nemesis awaits.
- Fine. I will suit up.

E. MORGAN PEARL (ON TV): Yes,
Lobstercules and his lobster men

have struck again.

As AEGIS commander and legendary
patriot Ty Rathbone

said last night, "These weirdos
are just the beginning!"

(LAUGHS) I am telling you, City,

get ready for the freak parade,
'cause it's a-comin'.

(FAINT SQUEALING NEARBY)

(SQUEALING CONTINUES)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah?

We got it, boss.

Today's the first day
of the rest of your life.

But now...

it's cooler.

Whoa.

I want to see what it can do.

First we get you acquainted
with the heads-up software.

- Will it be ready for tonight?
- Yes.

If you get acquainted with the
heads-up software. -What's tonight?

We're gonna run the equipment
through a tactical scenario.

What scenario?

I s-still don't know what
you want to do with this.

Frank, I've got super-villain
seafood robbing my banks,

and every two-bit gangster
in this town thinking

they're gonna be
the next king of the hill.

And I can't do anything
without the feds

dropping on me
like a ton of bricks.

Meanwhile, everyone keeps
talking about this new wave

of superheroes.

Well... I'll give them a wave.

I'll give them a damn tsunami.

AEGIS lounge certainly has

an impressive array
of refreshments.

Yeah, and full access

to the police reports
from this morning's robbery.

- Croissant?
- Oh, yeah.

So, Lobstercules seems to be
sticking with the same plan.

You know, he comes up
from the sewers,

he rips the vault door
off its hinges

and then sends his henchmen away
with all the money.

Then it's back into the sewers

to hunt for this
selfish shellfish.

No, we tried that already.

No, I mean, without real clues,

we're just gonna get
lost down there again.

FLEXON: Heads up!

Do you mind?

TICK: Chum. Rubber band hand

- at 12 o'clock.
- (WHISPERS): Tick.

Tick, don't you know
who that is?

- No idea!
- That-that's Flexon.

The Flexometric Man?

He used to fight crime alongside
the Flag Five here in The City...

Wait, what,
what are you doing...?

TICK: Hail, fellow crusader.

Here to rejoin
the never-ending battle?

No, man, I'm-I'm retired.

I've already saved the world,
twice.

Thanks, and thanks.

You're welcome, and I'm done.

I'm just wearing the old tights
to get lounge access.

Mmm, I miss these croissants.

It's the nano-butter
that gets you.

You're Tick
and you're Arthur, right?

Yeah, wow, you-you've
actually heard of us?

Yeah. Saw you go against
the V-L-M on the news.

- That took grit.
- Wow, that means,

that means so much
coming from you.

We're on
the Lobstercules case now.

- How's that going?
- Uh, well,

you know, our-our trail's
gotten a little cold.

- Well, you want some advice?
- Sure. -Please.

I've tracked criminals
all across the country,

and it doesn't matter what city
you're sleuthing in.

FIRST STEP, IT'S ALWAYS:
Go to the docks.

Go to the docks?

The docks. There is literally
always some guy

at the docks
that knows something.

- Handy.
- Yeah. You find that guy,

and you squeeze him a little.

Okay, but-but how-how do we know
which person to squeeze?

Well, he'll have a, uh, look
on his mug, you know?

And then,
when he sees your look,

all of a sudden,
he'll have a different look.

Then he'll start running.

You get that guy,
he'll know something.

Thanks, Flex. We'll try that.

(CHUCKLES)

- Well, this is a little fun.
- Right?

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

Flexon told us to be
on the lookout for a look.

- Is that the look?
- ARTHUR: Uh, no,

I think that's a regular guy
trying to figure out

why we're staring at him.

Tick, I'm not so sure
about this one.

Feels a little vague to me.

Just keep on the lookout, chum.

- (BEEPING)
- Hello?

DANGERBOAT: Arthur, it's DB.
Just checking in.

What do you think about the end
of the week, to watch a movie?

Yeah, we're actually on a case
right now, Dangerboat,

- so now's not really the time.
- Okay, well, Saturday works for me.

Dangerboat, please! I can't talk
about movies right now.

Okay? I'm sorry. Good-bye.

DANGERBOAT: He runs hot.

Arthur, look.

There's a flock
of likely lookers.

Follow my lead.

Excuse me, gentlemen, uh,

we just need to examine each
of your looks in succession.

This will only take a moment.

Just, uh, superheroes,
following up on a crime spree,

so nothing to worry about.

Got a real thing going on.

(WHISPERS): Tick.

Tick, the look.

(GASPS) I'm on it, chum.

♪ ♪

(STRAINING):
I didn't do nothing!

(GRUNTING)

Um, Arthur, uh,
I'm at a bit of a loss.

- What do we do now?
- Uh, you know.

- Squeeze him, like Flexon said.
- How about if I tell him

a scary tale,
with a twist at the end?

I think more, like,
asking questions, probably.

I know my constitutional rights!

- That's not our question!
- (WHIMPERS)

Tell me all you know about
the bank-robbing behemoth

they call Lobstercules.

Come on, man, I don't know
crustaceans, I'm just a bookie.

What about his crew, huh?

Four lobstermen from Maine.

Just rolled into town,
made off with a bunch of cash.

Okay, okay, there's some guy
that came around Romeo's

the other night.
I think his name was Donny.

He was, uh, throwing around
a lot of money,

and sh**ting his mouth off,
he had a, uh,

a New England... a-an accent.

Uh, this, uh, Romeo's...

What is it, like,
a night club something?

No, it's an underground
gambling den.

It's run by Romeo and his g*ng.

They have one every night.

But it takes at least a thousand
dollars to sit at the table.

I'm sorry, a thousand dollar...
Like, American?

That's a lot of paper, chum.

Are we done?

Uh... (SPUTTERS)

Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
I guess so. Sure.

- All right. Squeeze you later.
- (GRUNTS)

Thank you.

TICK: Shepherd's pie you say.
Tell me more.

What? Meat, potatoes
and vegetables,

all in one flaky, edible dish?

Get out.

Since when are Tick and Mom
such buds?

Uh, I don't know,
but they talk every day now.

Which actually helps me
with my mother-son

phone time requirement.

- Hmm.
- TICK: And the shepherd.

- What is his role in all this?
- JOAN: Well...

Maybe I need
a big blue roommate.

- JOAN: Oh, no, honey. No.
- Ah, there is no shepherd.

What happened to your hands?

Oh, I started doing
Krav Maga again.

- I couldn't find my gloves.
- (TICK LAUGHS)

Joan, you're a pip.

All right.

Thursday night for dinner it is.

- JOAN: Great. Wonderful.
- I'll tell the kids.

All right, bye-bye.

Good news.

Joan forgives us for
our family dinner faux pas.

- Oh.
- That is great.

Why does everything I own
look like the wall of a DMV?

I think it's more
gas station bathroom.

I prefer the hot beige.

This?

So is this whole gambling den
thing gonna be dangerous?

Uh, well, I have
to pass myself off

as an experienced high roller,
so I'd say it's more like, uh,

- embarrassing?
- TICK: Ooh, powder blue.

Sophisticated yet infantile.

So, Tick,
you're gonna wait outside

while you go in, play cards

and try to track down
your bank robber?

Yes.

Have you guys done
reconnaissance?

Worked out exit strategies?

- I will be our exit strategy.
- Okay.

Uh, what about communication
systems? You have that?

Yes, Dot, we have a plan, okay?
I worked on it all afternoon.

Okay. I'm just trying to help.

(SARCASTIC):
Okay, well, thank you.

Sounds like somebody would like
a mission of their own.

- What did you just say?
- A mission.

- (BED SQUEAKS)
- An important goal or...

purpose in the service
of a cause...

possibly accompanied
by a calling.

That's it!

Perfect! The perfect disguise.

Arthur, you're a walking
non-description.

Really? This is just... huh,
looks a little accountant to me.

You know, we should probably go
over the plan again.

TICK: All right. Plan-tastic.

ASSISTANT:
One last signature, sir.

(SIGHS) Sometimes, I wish
my name wasn't so damn long.

ASSISTANT: Mm-hmm.

(RATHBONE SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Rathbone here.

OVERKILL (OVER PHONE):
Hello, Commander.

Yeah.

It's Overkill.

You should get more rest.

You look tired.

I am touched by your concern.

And I like your new haircut.

You're watching me. I get it.

Did you come here
to put a b*llet

into your old superior officer?

The hell's on your chest?
You get an upgrade?

I wouldn't exactly call it that.

I didn't go rogue.

I didn't sell out my squadron.

That's not what happened.

My forensic boys told me

everyone on your team d*ed
except you.

And then you ran.

Guilty people run.

I didn't do it.

I'd like to believe you, son.

I wish you did, Commander.

But you gave up on me,
just like everyone else.

There have been whispers.

- About what?
- About the Duke.

Whispers about
how he didn't die.

How he just went into hiding.

That's impossible.
I decapitated him myself.

Yeah. But did you k*ll him?

That guy dealt in mad science.

Could be a head
in a jar somewhere,

still calling the sh*ts.

Why are you telling me this?

If you betrayed AEGIS
and your team,

then you're working
for the Duke already.

But if you are innocent,

then maybe you can
figure this out.

Get us both out of this mess.

Good-bye, sh**t.

And Godspeed.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(PANTING)

Tick calling Arthur.

Do you copy? Over.

Yes, I can read you, Tick, okay?

We already checked.
The earbuds are working. -Yes!

We're ear-buddies now.

Bonded at the tympanum.
Do you have your monies ready?

Yeah. I got a thousand dollars,
right here.

TICK: Risking your full nut!

That's the hero's way, fella.
Over.

Okay, so... I'm gonna wait until

I definitely have
an I.D. on Donny.

I'll give you the signal, you
come in, we both grab him. Okay?

Copy that, Arthur. Over.

Until then, radio silence.

Unless we absolutely
have to talk.

Copy that. Radio silence
unless we absolutely

have to talk. Over.

Let's see your dead presidents.

Yeah, sure, sure thing. Yeah.

Although, you know, technically,

Benjamin Franklin
was never president.

Am I right?
What am I talking about?

We're not here
to talk U.S. history.

We're here to play cards.
(CHUCKLES)

Ice cold cool, fella.

♪ ♪

What's happening, Arthur?

Paint me a vulgar picture.

Talk me a turgid tableau.

Is there a buffet? Over.

Tick, I can't talk right now.
Remember, Tick? Radio silence.

TICK:
But you're our eyes and ears,

- Arthur. Over.
- Yeah, well, we just don't

want our eyes and ears
getting caught

spying in here, all right?

What's that?

Uh... I was just, uh,

remarking to myself
how much I love it in here.

You got good taste.

I'm very proud
of my establishment.

Oh, well, I'm, uh, proud of you.

- MAN: Hey, Romeo.
- ROMEO: Yeah?

MAN: Come here.
I want you to meet some...

Was that Donny?
Should I come in? Over.

No. No, no, no, no. You stay put
and wait for my signal,

- okay? Over.
- "Stay put."

Right. Well, it's pretty boring
out here, but I can try. Over.

Please, thank you. Over and out.

- Flexon?
- Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, brother. Hey, uh,

easy with the name calling.
I'm in my, uh, civvies.

Right, sorry, uh...
w-what are you doing here?

Me? Oh, I got a bit
of a gambling problem.

The problem is I'm too good...

at gambling.
So you're-you're on the case?

You kind of have that

- pasty undercover look.
- Oh, God,

is it that obvious? Really?

- Nah. You're good. You're good.
- Okay.

'Cause, you know, I'm not
really a gambler, per se.

Oh, hey, are you kidding me?

You're a superhero.

Biggest gamble of all.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Okay. You didn't see me.

DONNY: Ah, full boat.

Kings high. Pisser!

(LAUGHS)

(QUIETLY): Hello, Donny.

Staying put. Staying put.

ARTHUR: Well, well, well.

Gentlemen.

I hope you're all
big fans of losing...

because I am not.

Oh. (GRUNTS)

Staying put.

(SIGHS)

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

MISS LINT (OVER COMM): Edgelord,
are you in position? Over.

I'm hot-spotting now.

Okay, I'm linked.

What's your status?

In position and ready to strike.

DONNY: What's your name, sport?

DEALER: Changing one thousand.

They call me The Accountant.

DONNY: The Accountant?

We ever met before?

Us? I don't know.

Maybe. You ever been,

uh, up the Northeast?
Around New England?

Maine, Boothbay Harbor.

Born and raised. Why?

- You from up north?
- No, no. I'm f-from here.

I recognized the accent.

(CHUCKLES)

EDGELORD:
Energy levels look good so far.

What was that?

MISS LINT: Having trouble
reading the heads-up display.

EDGELORD: You sure you want
to do this tonight?

You should probably at least
have skimmed the manual.

Hey, Hot Topic.

You're my manual.

And we're doing this now.

This put staying
is a mental agony.

EDGELORD: The neuro-sectors
aren't properly signaling

the electronic twitch sensors.
You'll overheat.

- Just give me a second.
- MISS LINT: Okay, well, hurry up.

AH. -EDGELORD: All
right, I'll reset...

A wayward urchin of the street.

- EDGELORD: Okay, I've got it.
- Uh, pardon me, lost youth,

but this place
is the proverbial crime alley.

No place to be doing
your personal computing.

Stand back. You are interfering

with an ongoing
superhero operation.

Wait a minute.

How did you know
about our operation?

Not your operation.
Our operation.

Whose operation?

DONNY:
And so, my brother Dougie,

he has a bait cooler
full of Roman candles.

(LAUGHS): Meanwhile,
my other brother Danny,

he's so drunk, he fires
his flare g*n right into it.

- (LAUGHS)
- I swear to God.

The harbormaster thought
he was in a w*r zone!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm in for another hundred.

Huh. So, uh, you said you and
your brother got a fishing boat?

No, it's my boat.
They were crewing it for me,

till it went down.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I see your bet...

and I raise it.

You trying to bluff me, sport?

I don't know.

I guess you're gonna have to pay
$200 to find out, sport.

Ah, hell.

- Take it.
- Mm-hmm.

And The Accountant
continues his roll.

With a little extra sugar
for the old SEP-IRA.

- (ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE GASPING, SCREAMING)

MISS LINT: Edgelord, I think
my flux vents are jamming.

EDGELORD: Of course they are.

And you haven't been
watching your coils.

All your capacitors
are in the red.

Are you not reading that?

(SHOUTING)

(QUIETLY):
Tick, we are under att*ck.

Hold on, Arthur, I'm coming!

DONNY: Screw this noise.

MAN: You can't take that!

ARTHUR:
Donny! Donny, drop the box,

- you stupid ape!
- Get off me!

What do you want?

I want you, Romeo.

I don't like when people
commit crime in my city.

Wait a minute. It's you.

That's right.

And it will always be me.

(DONNY GRUNTING)

Ah!

(SHOUTS)

(g*n CLICKS)

Leave that
volting valkyrie alone.

(SCREAMS)

Well done, sparky.

Thanks.

(PANTING) Tick, I lost Donny,
but I got his shoe.

A shoe clue. Nice work, chum.

Hey, looks as though The City's
got itself a new defender.

Tick, I don't think she's here
defending anything.

Says who?

Hey!

(BICYCLE BELL DINGING)

Hey, stop. What do you think
you're doing?

Fighting crime.

Isn't that what superheroes
are supposed to do?

That it is.

Tick, look.

It's Miss Lint.

Miss Lint?

Egad, you're right!

Angry lightning lady.

You're both wrong.

Okay. You listen to me.

You can't hide
behind that mask forever,

because we both know
who you really are.

You forgot about
a little something called

the 28th Amendment.

As long as I have this on,
I'm whoever I say I am.

And I say I'm a hero.
So back off, Wilbur.

So be it.

But if you truly are
a masked avenger,

what is your hero's name?

You can call me Joan of Arc.

Going... ah, sh*t.

I got to admit,
I like her style.

(CHITTERING)

There you go. (SHUSHING)

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

(MOUSE SQUEAKS)

Oh...

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

Damn you, black hole heart.