02x06 - Categorically Speaking

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

TICK: Oh, Lobstercules,

forgive me.

I misjudged your book
by its spiky red cover.

You were only trying
to keep your children safe.

What kind of a hero strikes
a mother in her mouthparts?

Look, Tick, I wouldn't b*at
yourself up over this. -(SIGHS)

Now she's languishing
in an AEGIS jail cell.

- We must go to her, help her.
- Yeah, that's what we're doing.

We just have to get all
our paperwork in order first.

Why, Arthur?
Why must there be paper?

(SIGHS) Tick. Listen.

We didn't catch Lobstercules.
Right?

So, since we're not
the arresting heroes,

if we want to see her in prison,

we have to file
a prisoner visitation request.

Hey, Tick, listen.

I'm an accountant. Okay?

Red tape is my specialty.

I got this.

Next in line.

Can I help you?

Yes, you can... "Veranda."

Uh, we are here
to file a request

for maximum security
prisoner visitation.

That's gonna take several forms.

Yeah, I am way ahead of you.

You mark your AEGIS manual
sections with colored tabs.

So do I.

So...

We're gonna need
ten copies of 5-11 "C,"

uh, with attachments.

And then you'll need your
interdepartmental information

and access releases.

Petition for security clearance.
In triplicate.

- Mm-hmm.
- Whoa, take it easy, lady.

Hey, you know what?

Uh, why don't you
throw in a, uh,

limited disclosure application
as well?

Impressive.

But the one form that most
everyone forgets to get is the...

BOTH: 15-50 Special Status
Exemption Waiver.

Wow.

He's scary.

Well, you're scary, Paper Queen.

Good gravy, it's an avalanche.

- Do you hate trees?
- Don't worry, Tick.

Now we just have to get some,
uh, authorization signatures.

- How many?
- Uh, 13.

A grim baker's dozen.

Hold on, Lobstercules,
we're coming for you.

- (GRUNTS)
- (ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

Ah.

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

Thank you, Miranda.

Joan of Arc.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

You ended the menace
of Lobstercules.

I believe congratulations
are in order.

You're becoming quite
the hero of note in The City.

And here at AEGIS.

Great.

So, then, what did you want,
again?

(SIGHS) When you apprehended it,
did it speak?

Mm...

Did it appear to use
language at all?

Look at the damn thing, Doc.

It did not speak.
It made monster movie noises.

I'll make a note.

Thank you for your insight.

Yeah. Whatever.

So, nothing to say for yourself?

(LOBSTERCULES CHITTERING
QUIETLY)

Miranda, schedule it
for transfer to the lab.

End of day, please.

Yes, Doctor Agent Hobbes.

And then, my friend...

the real fun begins.

(LOBSTERCULES WARBLING)

♪ ♪

(HORNS HONKING)

MAN: We're coming to you from
The City's newly reopened.

AEGIS branch office where
their open house is underway.

This is E. Morgan Pearl,

here with the legendary
AEGIS Agent Commander.

Tyrannosaurus Rathbone.

Well, we're just glad
you're down here

covering our little shindig,
Pearl.

We wanted to open our doors

and, uh, shake hands
with the community.

Our agency is all about
transparency now.

PEARL: Transparency? Great.

So tell us about Superian.

Does AEGIS plan
to make a statement

directly condemning him
for his actions?

Whoa, now.

That's way off topic,
there, son.

It's an open house.
(SNAPS FINGERS)

Here.

- I think you need a hat.
- Uh, yeah...

COME ON. -ARTHUR: Oh, hey,
I can sign that for you.

MAN (OVER P.A.): AEGIS and you,
working together...

TICK: Okay, kids.

And remember, don't smoke.

Don't rob.

And don't k*ll.

All right? You run along, now.

- WOMAN: What do you say, kids?
- CHILDREN: Thanks, Tick.

ARTHUR:
Okay, first things first.

We need Doctor Agent Hobbes
to sign

a 15-50 Special Status
Exemption Waiver.

Wow, this open house
is really filling up, huh?

ARTHUR: Makes sense.

I would totally come here.
I mean,

I would if I weren't
already... here. (CHUCKLES)

God, I can't believe we're
actually part of AEGIS.

Oh, we are in, all right.

We just need to get
Lobstercules out.

(CHUCKLES) Cool hat.

Ah, thanks.

Well, it's been decades since
I've been in an AEGIS branch.

MAN: Well, you picked a good day
to come in, mister.

Another tour starts soon,
if you're interested. (CHUCKLES)

I'll just show myself around,
thanks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

(PEOPLE GASPING, MURMURING)

- MAN: That's him.
- (GRUNTS, LAUGHS)

MAN: It's Bronze Star, honey.
Come on!

- (GASPING, MURMURING CONTINUE)
- WOMAN: Bronze Star!

- Really?
- So hot! So awesome!

(MURMURING CONTINUES) -MAN: Come
on, guys. Get in, get in.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

I can't believe this. (CHUCKLES)

JOAN: So, what are you doing
this afternoon?

DOT: I was thinking

I might check out
that AEGIS open house.

Hmm.

You know, when your father d*ed,

they were very good to us.

I don't remember that.

It feels safer here,
now that they're back.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Mom.

Do you remember me
doing anything...

unusual when I was a kid?

- Unusual?
- Like unexplainable.

Something weird
the other kids didn't do.

(LAUGHS) No.
That was Arthur's department.

You were always
very explainable, honey.

(SIGHS)

You're working too hard.

I can see it.

Walter tells me not to worry.

He says you two are
right on schedule.

But then again,
he always thought

you kids were heading
somewhere special.

Walter said that?

Yes.

You know I believe it, too.

You have to. You're our mom.

(LOCK BUZZES, LATCH CLICKS)

A request for prisoner
visitation?

I hardly think your compassion

is well spent on Lobstercules,
gentlemen.

Well, no... Listen.

Donny and his fishermen
were the ones

who were planning the robberies.

They were just forcing Lobstercules
to help them. -Of course.

They trained the creature
to perform simple tasks,

but it has no higher reasoning
or power of language.

But she spoke to Arthur, Doc.

She?

Yes, Doctor Agent Hobbes.

She spoke.

- Parroted words.
- Parroted words?

I highly doubt you heard
evidence of true speech.

Well, it sure sounded like it.

Fine.

If she is going
to start chatting,

I would urge her to do so
before end of day.

- Oh, thank you.
- I filed the paperwork

to have Lobstercules transferred
to our labs for experimentation.

Experimentation? Wait, no.

You can't experiment on her.

What? Yes, I can.

The subject shows no proof
of sentience.

And, Arthur,
this is a true subhuman.

What we at AEGIS call a cryptid,
or you might term a monster.

We thought she was a monster,
too, but she's not.

She's a Momster.

Momster. (LAUGHS)

Oh, you mean
there are offspring? Oh.

Uh, Tick, we-we should
get going. I think...

You know, we got a lot more
signatures to collect.

Right. And it's open house day.

I have a Villain Doppler
to demo.

- Oh, good luck with that.
- Okay.

Come on, Tick.

We got to get Lobstercules
to start speaking

before they put her in a lab.

MAN (OVER P.A.): AEGIS and you.

Working together
toward a better tomorrow.

Ugh, what the hell is this?

WOMAN: It's Joan of Arc!

Get a picture
of me with Joan of Arc.

- Joan! Oh...
- Uh, can I get your autograph?

- Mm. Ugh. -Oh, please!
- Thank you so much.

- Really, you're too kind.
- We love your work, Joan.

- I don't know what to say.
- Thank you!

Really, I would rather die.

- Ugh.
- We love your work, Joan.

- You, too, huh?
- Yes.

MAN (OVER P.A.):
You and AEGIS.

- There they are.
- KEVIN: That's Dot.

Dot. Dot.

(IMITATING SNEEZE): Hey, Dot!

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Hey, Kevin.

It's good to see
a friendly face.

Seems like we're both
on the same trail.

Going on the AEGIS
open house tour?

(SHUSHING)

Don't reveal the plan.

Please.

Are you joining the tour, miss?

Uh... sure. Yeah.

Oh. If you'll all
just follow me...

Now, while we're on the tour,

I'll need you to remember
three things:

Stay with the group,

do not touch anything,

and have a great time.

I got back into town
just in time.

Were you on vacation
or something?

I left when AEGIS showed up.

But over time, I realized
I can't spend my life running.

The City needs me.

Yep. Okay. Nope,
got to go patrol now.

Just... back off.

Ah.

Superian. You have
got to be kidding me.

Seems we got ourselves a
walking rodeo in our china shop.

Oh, Superian is here.

Uninvited, in a restricted area,

and none of our alarms went off.

Superian does move faster
than the human eye can register.

And he emits a wide spectrum
of energies at will.

In short,
he goes where he wants to.

So we're the next stop
on his meltdown tour?

Perhaps he's here to register.

Oh, I doubt that.
Look at that man.

He's dressed like
a rest stop strangler.

Should we shut down
the open house?

Don't want to spook everybody.

Press would have a field day.

- So, we...?
- Watch him, I guess.

- See what develops.
- See what develops.

- Of course, sir.
- That'll be all, Hobbes.

♪ ♪

(SIGHS)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

(MICE SQUEAKING)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING
AND WHOOSHING)

God, I mean,
can you believe, a week ago,

I didn't even know
that AEGIS had

an intra-branch
procedures liaison officer.

(FLEXON SIGHS HEAVILY) -And
now we have her autograph, too.

(SIGHS) I think we might
actually pull this off, Tick.

You guys still trying to go down

to see your new pal
in detention?

Yeah. Yeah,
but we're pretty much

done with the paperwork now.

You all right there, Flex?
Seem a little stretched out.

(GROANS) Yeah, working a booth
at the open house.

And everybody wants a little

flex out of the Flexometric Man,
if you know what I mean.

You guys feel that?

FLEXON:
Sage, what is up with you?

My cosmic senses are tingling.

Picking up something
on the old nipple?

Something has passed
between the planes here.

Something sinister, hovering
just beyond the edge of never.

(SAGE SLURPING)

Ah. This place is haunted, man.

AEGIS is haunted?

FLEXON: Don't worry about it.

Sage thinks
everything is haunted.

That's cause everything
is haunted, Flex-ass.

But I think this place is,
like, like, extra haunted.

- Holy cats.
- ARTHUR: Okay.

Well, I think we've dotted all
the I's and crossed all the T's.

The only form left
to fill out is, uh...

"consent of arresting hero."

- All right.
- Oh, no.

The form is haunted?

(SIGHS)
We need Lint to sign that one.

Oops.

Oops retracted.

I'm not here.

Now, up ahead on your left,
the Strong Arm 6000 is a device

that we use to measure
superhuman attributes.

Now, unfortunately,
we can't see the machine today

as it's under repair.

(GROUP MURMURING)

Kevin, what are you doing?

- Oh, yeah!
- Down the hall!

I'm... not really here
as a tourist.

Okay.

I'm here to find out
what AEGIS has to hide.

(DOT GASPS)

(SIGHS) What?

Uh, we kind of need your help.

How about... no.

Okay, listen,
you're the arresting hero

on the Lobstercules case,

so we can't see her
without your consent.

Her?

Lobstercules isn't evil.

Also, she isn't a he.

We need you to sign this form
so we can help her.

I'm not signing that.

Oh, you are, because
it's the right thing to do

and heroes do the right thing.

No. I'm not signing it
because the rules don't say

that I have to, so up yours.

(TICK SIGHS)

Up mine.

See, I told you, Tick.
She hasn't changed at all.

I'm not so sure, chum.

- These changes can take time.
- (SNIFFING)

My guess is she's already
hearing the call.

- What? No, come on.
- What call?

Oh. The voice will be tiny
at first.

Just a whisper,

whispering in your mind's ear.

You'll want to shut it out,

but Destiny doesn't like
to be shut out.

Ugh, no, that's for damn sure.

How do I shut you out?

(TICK AND ARTHUR LAUGHING)

You'll think you're going crazy,
but you're not.

No, you're going sane
in a crazy world.

And once Destiny starts
messing with your life, well...

BOTH:
You'll never be the same again.

You know what,
just give it to me.

Anything just to get
you guys to go away.

- That's the spirit.
- Thank you very much.

No time to lose.
Off to the Paper Queen.

TROOPER HOOPER: Please look,

but do not touch.

This is very sensitive
equipment.

So this thing can tell
if you're a category or not?

Yes. It's very colorful.

I mean, if you're a category.

My parents had AEGIS
test me as a kid.

Wait, you're a category?

(SIGHS)

I'm a category three.

Kevin.

I think I might be a category.

How... (CLEARS THROAT)

What can you do?

Dodge b*ll*ts.

TROOPER HOOPER:
All right, everyone, if you've

had enough,
we're gonna keep moving on.

Still plenty to see.

It's like déjà vu, but it's not.

That sounds like
temporal distortion.

Right. Okay. So I should
probably get tested, then,

- so I know for sure, right?
- No.

You can never let AEGIS know.

(DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN)

(DOOR WHOOSHES CLOSED)

(SUPERIAN HUMMING A TUNE)

(WHOOSHING)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Joan of Arc.
- (CHUCKLES)

I can see the weather on Pluto.

You think I can't see
through that mask, Janet?

(SIGHS) Ah, crap.

You spent years helping
The Terror try to k*ll me.

Technically, but that was really
his thing, just so you know.

What do you think of it so far?
Being a hero?

(SIGHS) It's a pain in my ass.

(LAUGHING):
Yeah. You got that right.

But it beats being hated.

No, being hated,
that I know how to do.

This is just...
this is just weird.

No, this is the best part.

Front page of the paper, hearing
people applaud your name on TV.

It's when they start
tunneling into your brain

and tearing down everything
you've built up

and taking apart your cathedral,
brick by brick,

and then you have to just
sit back, and you have to watch

because the one way
you can think of to fix this

might just blow the whole lot
of them shrieking into space.

♪ Seven billion monkeys ♪

♪ Boiling in the void. ♪

I don't know.
Maybe you should...

- you should talk to someone.
- Oh, I got a guy.

He's great. I think you
know him, actually. Arthur.

- Arthur?
- Little guy. Wings.

You mean Arthur? Arthur Everest?

- (SCOFFS) What does he know?
- Yeah.

- Hey. That's the jerk who hates me.
- What?

He hates me on TV for a living.

Superian problem.
But I have received a hat.

- Wait. Is he here?
- "Make AEGIS Great Again."

I think he's here.

♪ ♪

(DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN)

Looks like you've got
all your paperwork in order.

Of course it's in order,
Paper Queen.

You just told us that,
like, five minutes ago.

Oh, that's my sister Veranda.

I'm Miranda. We're twins.

Ha! A duo of doppelgangers.

What, b-both of you
got recruited by AEGIS?

I think the telepathy helped.

She says hi, by the way.

Let's go see your giant lobster.

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

(LOCK BEEPS AND BUZZES)

(LOCK WHOOSHES AND BUZZES)

(LOBSTERCULES CHITTERING)

(SQUEALING)

Seems real happy to see you.

You've got ten minutes.

(LOBSTERCULES CHITTERING,
WARBLING)

We mean you no harm.

I am so sorry for our throw-down
in the sewer.

I've been having
quite a confusing week,

good-and-evil-wise.

(CHUCKLES) I got it into
my thick, blue head that...

you were my villainous nemesis.

ARTHUR: Listen, Lobstercules,

I-I know that you
don't trust us yet,

but we're the best hope
you've got.

You have to let the people
at AEGIS hear you speak.

Come on.

- Speak.
- Just a little.

ARTHUR: Speaking, maybe?

Come on!

We spent all day
filling out forms

and getting signatures.

Please speak.

Sweet mother of lobsters!

Do you want to get sent
to the lab?

Think of your children.

Do not speak of them here.

No, no, no, of course.

AEGIS won't go on record.

Yeah, when it comes to Superian,

they're just sticking
with "No comment."

Excuse me. I have a comment.

Uh, hang on, Jim,
got another Pearl Diver here.

He probably wants an autograph.

No, I don't want your autograph.

I just wanted to give you
a little viewer feedback.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, uh, hi.

- Um...
- Hi.

Now, if you'll follow me,
I've saved the best for last.

Next stop, the Danger Suite.

MAN:
Let's go. Let's check it out.

- (GROUP MURMURING)
- KEVIN: Psst.

AEGIS is afraid of us.

Us? You mean categories?

Yes. They're always watching.

Okay, Kevin, no offense, but
the whole tinfoil hat thing's

not really helping me here.

I mean, AEGIS has been
good to my family.

They helped my mom, my brother's
already signed up, and then...

You and Overkill keep saying
they can't be trusted,

but you don't say why.

Because these people
don't think that we're human,

and when people think that,

they can do some
pretty awful things.

Maybe some of them
are down here.

Kevin.

Stop. Where are you going?

Secrets nearby. I can feel them.

They're gonna see us.

There's got to be surveillance.

No, no, no. It's okay.

I've got my Foiler.

Okay, Kevin, we should probably
get back to the tour...

Walter.

No, that's John Wu.

John Wu? That...

that man looks
just like my stepfather.

- May I help you?
- Oh!

Lab coat.

DOT: We were not...
We were... We were...

Lab coat.

Oh, you're from one of our
open house tours, I presume.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a shame they
overlooked this display.

The Star of Valor is one
of AEGIS's highest honors.

You're one of the Lab Coat Men.

- Kevin.
- I'm Doctor Agent Hobbes.

Hmm.

- And you look familiar to me.
- DOT: Really?

So funny, 'cause people just say
that to me all the time. -Do they?

I'm Debra.

- Debra Evanston.
- Hmm?

Oh, uh, well...

Debra. And Kevin, is it?

Mm, mm. -Let me help you get
back to your tour group.

- That would be great. Thank you so much.
- Great. Come with me.

Okay.

(WHISPERS): Lab coat.

- Shut up. Stop.
- Lab coat.

I was looking for a new home
for my family.

Somebody had been filling
the oceans with plastic.

- Who?
- ARTHUR: Wait, I'm-I'm sorry,

did you say that
you're from Atlantis?

Yes. Once, my kind were
the Atlantean Royal Guard,

honor bound
to defend the defenseless.

That's how I was caught
by the Donnellys.

We save lost sailors.

It's just a thing that we do.

Donny told me
that his boat went down.

So you saved the Donnellys...
and then they turned on you.

LOBSTERCULES:
They got hold of my babies.

I've been serving them
ever since.

My children spoke
of a house under a volcano,

an image they've seen
near where they've been kept.

House under a volcano?

There must be
thousands of those.

Lobstercules,
we can save your babies,

but that's no good
if they don't have a mother.

- (SIGHS)
- Talk to AEGIS, okay?

You talk to them, and they have
to treat you like a human being.

No labs, no knives.
Do you understand?

(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

I will speak to your scientists.

But swear to tell none
of these w*r makers

about my brood.

I swear.

Sweet lady,

on my honor,
we will save your children.

♪ ♪

(LOBSTERCULES WARBLING)

(WIND WHIPPING, WHOOSHING)

♪ ♪

SUPERIAN: Can you read my mind?

Do you know what it is
that you do to me?

You don't know who I am.

I'm just a friend
from another star.

Here you are,
holding hands with a god.

Look at you,
quivering, shivering.

Why aren't you
wondering why I am

all the wonderful things I am?

(SCREAMING)

You and I...

could belong to each other.

(SCREAMING, WHIMPERING)

I'm not a monster,
I'm not a beast,

and that is why I make this
statement now to my captors.

I am a speaking,
thinking creature,

and I demand proper treatment.

You see?

Lobstercules isn't a monster.

She's just a nice lady
from Atlantis.

It does seem
that my earlier classification

has been proven incorrect.

Has she told you anything else
about herself

that might be of interest?

ARTHUR: You know,
she might have given us

a lead on where to follow
the Donnellys,

but apart from that...

no, no, nothing interesting.

All right.

- Hobbes.
- Yes, sir?

Change your status,
and you pull her

out of the cryptid file.

D-Does this mean
you're gonna start treating her

- like a person?
- Indeed.

Rights on!

This is
a professional environment.

All right, gentlemen...

you got yourselves a lead,

I suggest that you get on
out there and you follow it.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

BOTH: Yes!

- After you.
- Thank you.

ARTHUR:
Good day, gentlemen. Good day.

ARTHUR (HUSHED):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

TICK: Yes!

(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

So...

any news about Superian?

No sign of him
since he abducted Mr. Pearl.

I don't know what the hell
we're gonna do about that.

Well, perhaps this is a problem
that will solve itself.

(GASPS)

(ANIMALS CHITTERING,
CHIRPING, SQUAWKING)

Okay.

H-Hello?

H...

Hello?!

♪ ♪

Superian...!