02x08 - Joan!

[bunniefuu]

TICK: Egads, more paper.

Come on, Tick,
it-it's just one arrest report

for the Donnellys, you know?

AEGIS needs to be
kept in the loop

on all hero-related incidents.

Careful what you put down, chum.

I know, I won't say anything
about the babies.

I hate that all this red tape
is forcing us to lie.

We're not lying, okay? We're
just omitting certain details.

There they are.

The wily moth
and his big blue bud.

Hey. -Way to take down
those bank robbers.

You two are the talk of AEGIS.

Well, they seem to be rewarding
us with nothing but red tape.

Speaking of that, I got some
things I need to run by you

regarding the Lobstercules case.

So, uh, h-how's it going?

As promised, I signed on
as her lawyer this morning.

I filed an injunction requesting
the immediate release

of Lobstercules
under AEGIS article 1026B

which states that coerced
criminal action cannot

- be cause for imprisonment.
- Right on.

- It was rejected.
- Wrong off.

Problem is, I got nothing on
what the robbers were using

to actually coerce your friend.

ARTHUR: Okay.

Uh, I kind of can't talk
about it right now.

(QUIETLY):
Cool, I get what you're saying.

Maybe a little house call
later on?

Yeah, sure. Let's plan on that.

All hail the paper queen.

Here you go, all finished.

You're not gonna check it?

It's you. I'm sure it's perfect.

Arthur is quite the expert
at bureaucracy. -Aww...

Congratulations
on the big capture.

Between us, I've heard that
Rathbone is getting really close

to choosing the new Flag Five,

so this is really good timing
for you guys.

Are you saying
that we're finalists?

FLEXON: Man. Mm.
I miss these croissants.

(SEABIRDS SQUAWKING)

(PANTING)

(FILTERED BREATHING)

Walter?

♪ ♪

Airplane!
(IMITATES PLANE ENGINE)

(LOBSTER BABIES GIGGLING)

(GRUNTS)

Whoa. I muddled my medulla.

All right, kids.

Hey.

Who's up for a pinch fight?

Whoa!

You know, I've been thinking.

Destiny is a multilingual
mistress, chum.

Perhaps she is calling out to us

to embrace the path
of parenting.

This isn't really
parenting, though.

It's more like babysitting
until Flexon

helps us release Lobstercules.

But what if he can't?
Can't desert the wee ones.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Okay. Uh, Kevin, Tick,

let's get the lobsters
in the bathroom, now.

Okay.

Mom? Hi, what-what
are you doing here?

Arthur, I need to talk.
It's Walter.

Okay. Uh, come right in.

(MOUTHING)

Uh, what-what's wrong
with Walter?

Here. Read for yourself.

"Going away for a while,
back soon. Walter." Okay.

You don't think there's anything
weird about that?

Uh, what?
Th-that he went somewhere?

It's under ten words.

Have you ever known Walter to
say anything in under ten words?

Okay, that's a fair point.

- And then there's your sister.
- What, Dot?

Yes, that's the one.

I've been calling and calling,
and she doesn't pick up

or call me back, and then I
tried calling her at work and...

they told me she quit
last Tuesday.

- Did you know about that?
- No.

God, I am so worried about her.

She was so weird
at the coffee shop.

Do you know
what's going on with her?

What is wrong with you?
You're acting strange.

What? No, it's, uh,
not acting strange.

There's, uh, nothing strange

going on at all.

So let me get this straight.

The monster isn't a monster,
she's a mother.

- Mm-hmm.
- These are her babies.

- Right.
- And you two have sworn secretly

to take care of them?

Uh, yeah, that's pretty much it.

TICK: Mm-hmm.

I'm acting more
in a godfather capacity.

All right you little scampi,
meet your new meemaw, Joan.

LOBSTER BABIES: Joan!

Baby's first word.

Okay, they are kind of cute.

Uh, well, Mom, you know, this is
just a temporary situation.

- (BABBLING, FUSSING)
- JOAN: You know,

you could've told me about this.

Yeah, well, that kind of
would defeat the purpose

of the whole
sworn to secrecy thing.

Good or bad, I want to know.

We're supposed to share
things with each other.

Why do you suppose I wanted
to have all those dinners?

- Preach, Mama.
- I could make a dinner.

Look, things change,
life gets complicated.

I want to be
in your world, Arthur.

See who you're becoming.
Help you.

Well, Joan, you're a mom, right?

- Ooh, my...
- What does it mean when they're both

agitated but lethargic?

When Arthur was a little boy,
when he acted that way,

it meant he was hungry.

Tick, she's right.
They must be starving.

KEVIN: But what do they eat?

Starfish. Like, these little
pinkish purplish ones.

We've got to find some more.

Joan, you are a fount
of motherly knowledge.

LOBSTER BABIES: Joan!

- Oh...
- Aww.

LOBSTER BABIES: Joan!

DANGERBOAT: He's out there
somewhere, blind and alone.

But he's still alive, right?

That small craft launch
I tracked during the expl*si*n,

I scanned one occupant,
heart rate elevated but stable.

That's great.

DANGERBOAT: Then I lost him.
I lost the signal.

He could be anywhere by now.

He's being brought to The Duke.

I don't understand
how you know all this.

You say you're an AEGIS agent,
but how is that possible?

How are you even here, Walter?

Actually, it's John.

(SIGHS)

John Wu.

Oh, my God.

All right. Arthur, you said
you had some information

for our case,
so let's get down to shellfish.

Oh. Who do we have here?

Uh, this is my mother, Joan.

Uh, Mom, this is Flexon.

I'm sorry... uh, uh, Pat Murphy.
Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, don't worry
about it, kid. It happens.

Wow, Flexon. It's so nice of you
to come here and help Arthur.

I try to stay flexible
for my clients.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(WHINNIES)

That's it! Tame that bronco!
Ride 'em, cowboy!

Oh, oh, easy, easy. Tick.

- What the hell are those?
- Why is he here?

Tick, I invited him.
Uh, we need his help, okay?

Flexon,
these are Lobstercules' babies.

We-we saved them
from the Donnellys,

and they were using the babies

to force Lobstercules
to rob the banks.

Hot damn!
Well, there's our coercion.

I need to get this down, huh?

Joan, would you take Sam
and Phoebe into the other room?

The grown-ups need to have
a conversation.

JOAN: Come on. Let go.

TICK: Come on,
we'll play cowboys later.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, rubberneck!

We made a hero's oath
to keep those lobsters secret.

Heroes do not break their oaths.

Okay, but, Tick,

maybe letting AEGIS know
about the babies

is the only way to actually get
Lobstercules freed from prison.

You know, isn't that worth
breaking an oath for?

We could reunite the family.

Arthur, I'm surprised at you,

willing to go back
on your word so easily.

But what if going back
on my word

is the only way
to help Lobstercules?

My word is my warranty.

Easy there, Blue.

I'm not gonna tell anyone.
Attorney-client privilege.

Don't try and baffle me
with your legal mumbo-jargo.

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick.

That's just a fancy way
of saying

that he's gonna
keep our secret, too.

Hero's honor.

The court will allow it.

Cool, cool, yeah.

Have a good day.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

ARTHUR: Starfish... stores...

The City?

Why don't you just press
that little star button?

That is not what that
represents, Tick.

Hey, guys, I found them.

- All right.
- There's one store

that carries
the Violet Five Points,

but it's pretty

far away, and my wheels
are in the shop.

Joan has a car.
You can use that, right, Joan?

The day your father was k*lled,

The Terror took special notice
of your brother.

(SCOFFS)

AEGIS felt that your family
needed protection.

So they had you marry my mother?

I was assigned to monitor
from a distance,

and that's what I did,

but your mother
was so beautiful.

- Ugh.
- It's the old cliché, I suppose.

Spy fell in love.

When I retired

from active duty,

I wanted her
to get to know the real me,

so I joined her church group,
our relationship grew...

You wanted her to know
the real you,

so you lied to her
from the moment you met

and built an entire marriage
on a secret.

I meant to tell her.
I meant to tell you all.

I just didn't know how.

We were happy.

And the years,
they-they passed by so quickly,

and I kept hoping
to find the right time,

but it never came up.

The right time
was ten years ago.

I may not have been completely
honest about who I was,

but I never lied
about how I felt.

How are we supposed
to know that?

I don't know.

What I do know is that
Rathbone called me

because he thought the Everest
family was still in danger.

He gave me the same intel
he gave Overkill,

and I followed it to you.

I don't need you to save me.

I suppose you're right.

I'm not gonna stop trying.

Okay. Around...

Where's this thing?
It's got to be here somewhere.

There we go.

Oh, God!

- Hello, Arthur.
- Superian.

What are you doing here?
Did anyone see you come in?

You don't want anyone
to find out

about those little Atlantians
you're hiding, right?

(CHUCKLES)

Wait, who told you about that?

I'm Superian.

Wherever you are on the planet,
I can hear you.

Well, what are you doing here?

I find myself in need
of a little bit more

of your talk therapy.

Okay, Superian, listen to me,

I am not qualified
to be your therapist.

I may have messed up, Arthur.

I may have messed up big time.

(SIGHS) Fine.
Okay, just have a seat.

I prefer to lie down.
Bedroom is this way, yeah?

Ugh, the bedroom.

TICK: I hope Kevin gets back
with those starfish soon.

These kids aren't all right.

Oh, easy, Phoebe.
Stay in the tub. Whoa.

(SIGHS) This parenting thing
is a strange business.

W-What happens if you mess up?

All you can do is love them
and try your best.

Has to be more to it than that.

Being a parent is hard work.
No one's gonna do it perfectly.

But I am The Tick.

- We all mess up sometimes.
- Well, not you, Joan.

Especially me.

When Arthur and Dot's
father was k*lled,

I, um, I struggled.

I wasn't there for them.

You are an incredible mother,

and Dot and Arthur
are fantastic.

- Are they?
- Yes.

But Dot's having
some kind of life crisis

she's not talking to me about,
and-and Arthur, well,

I was so wrong about Arthur
for so many years.

And now he's so right.

(EXHALES)

I think what I need
is just a big win.

Some decisive action that's just
gonna get people cheering again.

Yeah, well, you know,
decisiveness can be overrated.

What about denuclearization?
Everybody's into that, right?

I could just grab up
all the nukes in the world,

put them in a big net
and throw it into the sun.

I think you need to let humanity

take care of that stuff
on our own, okay? I-I...

Show the people that you respect
their independence

and-and their achievements,

and, you know, maybe
their national monuments.

Oh, okay.

You didn't like my Devils Tower
gesture either.

I was a little
taken aback by it.

- Hm.
- To be honest.

"Let humanity know
how you feel about them,"

that's what you said.

Now they hate me more than ever
and it's just gonna get worse.

I'm sorry, "worse"?

Do you, do you care
to speak on that?

Once they find out
about E. Morgan Pearl.

Oh, no. What... what happened
to E. Morgan Pearl?

I kind of left him on top
of our pyramid in Guatemala.

You-you left him there? Alone?

Yes! I was trying
to share my feelings.

Look, okay, I know, I know,
I know, I messed up.

You messed up?

He's wandering around
the jungle as we speak.

He's probably gonna
find his way out.

And then he'll start
talking again.

Do you think anyone
would notice if I froze him

and then put him somewhere,
like Antarctica?

Just for, like, a decade or so?

Yes, I think people
would notice that.

Okay, so we need another answer.
Suggestions.

Go fly to Guatemala, uh,
pick up E. Morgan Pearl,

- and then bring him back home.
- Hmm, other suggestions.

No. No, that's the
only answer, Superian,

- and it's not a suggestion.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Ooh.
- Arthur?

- What's up, Tick?
- Do you mind?

We're in the middle
of a session.

We got more company
knocking at the door.

(SIGHS) Okay. Sorry, Superian.

It's okay. I'll just
lie here for a while and

- I'll think about my options.
- Go to Guatemala.

- (KNOCKING CONTINUES)
- Who is it?

MIRANDA: This is Agent
Miranda Li of AEGIS.

(WHISPERING): Tick,
what is Miranda doing here?

I won't let them
take our children.

Okay, okay, let's stay calm.

I mean, there are a million
other reasons I can't think of

for why she would be here.

MIRANDA:
Are you going to let me in?

Uh, yes, yes, of course. Yeah.

Hi, hello. Come in.

Are you the one I like?

SUPERIAN: Hi, Arthur.

- Shh.
- Arthur?

Hey. Come in.

Sorry about
the unannounced visit,

but that's how an HQ eval works.

ARTHUR:
Uh, I'm sorry, the... A-A what?

HQ evaluations.

I don't think I know
what that is.

AEGIS runs an HQ evaluation
when someone has been selected

as a finalist for the Flag Five.

So we're officially finalists
for the Flag Five?

Yes. And we just want
to make sure you're not hiding

any deep, dark secrets.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)

This is just gonna take
a few minutes to set up.

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

What do you think?

(SIGHS) Arthur,

I know it's been your life's
dream to join the Flag Five,

but having AEGIS here
puts the children at risk.

Yeah, but Tick,
if we get on the Flag Five,

we'll have a better chance of
getting AEGIS

to help Lobstercules
and the children.

You two ready?

Uh, just one second, please.

Are you in, Tick?

(SIGHS) If you think
it'll help, chum.

I do.

All right, where'd you want us?

Let's have you two take a seat
right there.

A little closer, please.

Oh. (GRUNTS)

Closer.

Very nice.

Don't touch that, please.

Thank you.

Now, Tick,
if you want to go first,

I just need to ask
some questions.

I am an open book.
Browse at your leisure.

On your AEGIS form,
you checked off the box

for "Mysterious Massive
Memory Loss."

- Did I?
- Any breakthroughs there?

Any flashes of recent memory?

Alas, no.

What about uncontrollable
impulses?

Or the urge to commit v*olence?

Tick wouldn't hurt a fly.

Unless the fly was a villain.

Was that a bad answer?

I just have
to ask the questions.

Heroes can become unstable
under duress, do crazy things.

I mean, look at Superian.

(CHAIR CREAKS)

Arthur, you're up.

(LOBSTER BABIES SINGING)

Oh, that's my, uh,
neighbor's, uh, band.

They suck.

I kind of like it.

The music has
a plaintive hunger to it.

- That it does.
- (DOOR OPENS)

Hey. Is Kevin back with the...

- Zip it.
- (SINGING STOPS)

Hi.

I'm, um, Arthur's mom, Joan.

Mom, uh, this is Miranda,
from AEGIS,

and she's here interviewing
the Tick and I

because we are finalists
for the Flag Five.

The Flag Five.

Wow.

Well, don't mind me, I-I'm just
gonna go make some coffee.

Arthur, it says here that
you've had a documented history

with mental illness.

I-I was actually, um,
kind of misdiagnosed.

As an accountant.

- I can explain.
- No, Mom,

you don't have to do that.

In fact,
maybe you shouldn't do that.

JOAN: It was a mistake.

We thought Arthur was obsessed
with The Terror,

after everyone
thought he was dead,

but Arthur was right.

And we were wrong. I was wrong.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay, Mom.

Everything that happened to me,
everything that I did,

that's what made me
the person I am today.

Hmm.

Now, that wasn't too painful,
was it?

Oh, I hated it.

Thank you both for your time
and honesty.

Starfish delivery. (SNUFFLES)

Kevin! Great to see ya.

You're a lifesaver.

Let me get you into
the bathroom. Excuse us.

Okay.

Uh, K-Kevin's a... our plumber.

Yeah, he does amazing work
with, uh, copper.

Yeah. Um, Miranda?

- Hmm?
- I know it's probably too soon

for you to say anything,
but can you tell me how we did?

You guys are still
in the running.

Mm!

Arthur! Look who's here.

I thought about what you said,

and I realized
that I have been oblivious

about my negative
behavior patterns.

And just wanted you to know
that I am trying

to begin the process
of inner healing,

so that I can move towards
manifesting my higher self.

What? I don't, I...
That's not what I meant.

Now tell my friend what you
told me on the flight over.

I was wrong to be so hard
on Superian.

He-He's trying his best.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES) Keep going.

A-And I absolutely do not ever,

in my entire life,
have to tell anybody

anywhere I've been.

Did you thr*aten this man?

Me? Nope.

That is not my style.

I'm just gonna
take him home now.

- (YELPS)
- You know what, maybe...

I think, I think
I should take care

of E. Morgan Pearl.

- Ooh.
- For a little bit.

- Eh...
- And I, you know what

- I think you should do?
- Hmm?

I think you should take
a time-out, Superian.

I think you should
take a long walk.

- On the ground?
- ARTHUR: Yes!

Uh, if you want to just sit down
on the couch.

Uh-huh. -Um,
do you remember where you live?

Can I, can I call you an Uber?

Or do you just want to...
curl up into a fetal position?

- (GROANS)
- That is...

(BABBLING)

TICK: Oh, come on, Phoebe.

- Eat your mush.
- I don't understand.

I mean, these are
the right starfish.

Why aren't they eating them?

They don't like it.

Didn't you say that Lobstercules

- would chew their food for them?
- Yeah.

Maybe set it on "frappe."

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

Hey, um, thanks a bunch, Mom.

Oh, I don't want those sweeties
to go hungry.

Oh, no, not for that.
For, you know, what you did

back in there with Miranda.

I just never really knew
if you approved

of me being a superhero before.

(EXHALES) I want you to be
who you're gonna be.

I want to be a member
of the Flag Five.

Okay.

I got to...

(EXHALES) Okay.

You two really are
the good guys, aren't you?

Joan, we're trying to be.

Hey, I thought maybe you'd... Oh!

He put it in his mouth.

The flavor...
penetrating the palate...

torpedoing my taste buds.

(CHITTERING)

- Oh, God.
- (JOAN GASPS)

JOAN: Look.

(CHITTERING)

Oh, my God, Tick.

It's working, you're doing it.

ALL: Joan!

You like that, huh?

All right.
Here comes the choo choo.

Oh, really? Oh.

Oh! He did it again.