04x02 - Groin' Anomaly

[bunniefuu]

("EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT" FROM
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR PLAYING)

♪ Try not to get worried ♪

♪ Try not to turn on to ♪

♪ Problems that upset you ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ Everything's alright, yes... ♪

YOUNGER SHELLY: Hey, Morty?

Mort?

(MUFFLED): How about some
sauerkraut and a Tab?

YOUNG SARAH (MUFFLED): I felt it kick!
I felt it kick!

YOUNGER SHELLY: (CHUCKLES) Yeah,
you did. That was a big one.

♪ So forget all about... ♪

Oy, Morton!

♪ Everything's alright, yes ♪

♪ Everything's alright, yes ♪

(SINGING ALONG): ♪ Sleep
and I shall soothe you ♪

♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪

♪ Myrrh for your hot forehead ♪

♪ Then you'll feel ♪

♪ Everything's alright ♪

♪ Yes, everything's fine... ♪

YOUNGER SHELLY: Mort.

Oy, okay, go...

Will you go get me some
sauerkraut, Sarey?

Since your father doesn't care
that he's got a pregnant wife.

♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes ♪

♪ And relax, think of nothing... ♪

I'm getting your sauerkraut, Shell.

♪ There will be poor always... ♪

YOUNGER SHELLY: Oh, Joshy, Sarey,

tell this baby to get out of here.

- Get out of here.
- I'm gonna pop, you guys.

I'm gonna explode out of this body.

Baby, hurry, come out.

♪ You'll be lost and you'll be sorry ♪

♪ When I'm gone... ♪

♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪

♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪

♪ Myrrh for your hot forehead ♪

♪ Then you'll feel ♪

♪ Everything's alright ♪

♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪

♪ And it's cool and the
ointment's sweet ♪

♪ For the fire ♪

♪ In your head and feet ♪

♪ Close your eyes, close
your eyes and relax ♪

♪ Think of nothing tonight ♪

♪ Close your eyes and relax ♪

♪ Think of nothing ♪

♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes ♪

♪ And relax ♪

♪ Close your eyes, close your eyes... ♪

PEARL: So...

we were wondering if you've
read the latest New Yorker.

No, I'm really behind.

Like this... far behind. Why?

Well, our esteemed leader
Leslie wrote a poem in it.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

She's been submitting
for, like, years.

PEARL: Your name is in the title.

Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.

"My Ali, My Garcon."

"Garcon.

"Garcon, you cried and I came running

"with my bad, old knees," Aw.

"Little white towel starched
perfectly over my arm,

"not knowing the mess that awaited me

"You were a child without
a booster chair,

- wanting to play garcon..."
- "You were so cute,

"when you asked, I said,
'Yes, ma'am, ' of course,

"no problem, right away

"I didn't know that
you had the intellect

"of a commoner, the
smarts of a wooden clog,

"eclipsed by your pedigree.

- "You stupid girl...
- "You fraud

Your p*ssy ate the salad fork"?

What the f*ck does that even mean?

"Then the dessert fork,
then the fork-fork.

"You gorged, then walked away,

farting flatware"?

Oh, my God.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Good. Come on in.

Thanks for answering my Insta...

Just, you know, wanted to reach out.

Nice of you to have me "ovah."

- Yeah, of course.
- Wow, the light.

- Yeah.
- It's really beautiful.

Do you want some tea?

- Oh, that would be great.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, you have a swing! (LAUGHING)

That's how I get to the office,
actually, so, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, right?

- Whee!
- (LAUGHS)

- So fun!
- Yeah.

- Oh. I need one of these.
- It's probably happy you're riding it.

Wow, this is really beautiful.

Yeah, it's cool, right?

That was so funny to run into you there.

Yeah, it's funny when you
see people you know.

Um, you know, I'm not, I'm not
really, like, a regular there,

so I hope you weren't
looking for a sponsor?

- Oh, no. No.
- Okay.

I mean, I probably should be, but no.

- I'm not there yet, but...
- Okay.

No, I just wanted to, like...

- just kind of...
- Yeah.

It was interesting.

- It was an interesting meeting.
- It is, yeah.

- I mean, I don't... I try not to...
- Thank you.

- to judge anybody there.
- Right.

'Cause, obviously, it's a spiritual...

- You mean the freaks? All the freaks?
- (LAUGHS)

Am I, like, wrong, or is that the
most unsexy group of people?

Yeah. They seem to be getting it.

Well, it's not just sex, it's love.

- There's the "L," so...
- There's the "L."

For sure.

Love.

Yeah, I don't...

I don't, I don't know.

I don't think I really know what...
how to actually do that.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I remember you and your husband.

Len.

Right.

He's-he's a good guy.

My ex.

- Oh, sorry.
- No, no, it's actually good.

I mean, it's weird.

We kind of are still together.

- Oh.
- I mean, you know,

there's a lot of stuff going on.

- Mm-hmm.
- With... but...

it's just about being honest, I think.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, honesty's the best.

Like, I could totally
tell him I was here.

Right. Why wouldn't you, right?
I mean...

Used to lie a lot.

My family lies a lot. We're liars.

I think it's just because
everyone's, like,

in everybody's stuff, so you tell a lie,

and you just kind of
can have some privacy.

Totally.

I mean, secrets are kind
of like a perfect stand-in

for, for boundaries.

Right?

- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.

But seriously, that is really...

Yeah, I mean, it's natural.

We all... you know, you
compartmentalize it,

so you feel like you have

permission structure to kind of decide

who you want to be that day.

It's human.

♪ ♪

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi. What's all... What's the emergency?

Um, I want to come to Israel with you.

- What?
- Yes.

- You do?
- Yes, I really, really do.

Why? What's going on? What happened?

Well, I just... because I want to go,

and-and, you know, I want
to stand on that ground,

and I want to feel all that history,

- and-and...
- Yeah?

the suffering, and the
bloodshed and just all that

real stuff, you know?

And just get away from the
bullshit of nothingness here.

And this... f*cking poem about my p*ssy

that is in this week's New Yorker.

You don't have to read the whole thing.

Don't read the whole thing.

What's with the fork?

There's also that family
that's living at the house,

and-and they're there for a whole month,

and they're just there. I-I can't,

I can't live underneath
that guy, you know?

Listen, I don't want you to just say yes

because you're afraid
of hurting my feelings.

I only want you to say yes if it's...

if it's what you really
feel, if it's true.

What are you doing? This is mean.

I would love you to come.

- Really?
- What are you...

- Of course...
- Really, really, really?

Really, really.

(LAUGHS)

- What's going on here?
- What?

- You need to scrub.
- No, stop.

SARAH: You must be really good at that.

With the teaching and every...

you know, like, compartmentalizing.

I don't... do not know how
you handle all those kids.

I would f*cking k*ll myself.

Yeah. It's, uh, you know,
there's-there's tools.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Please. Please, help.

'Cause I'm so tired of, like, raging.

Mm.

I have this belief that...

when you're born, you know,
you're kind of... perfect.

You know, you just have so much wonder.

And then, you get older,

and... you know, you get dumb.

So that's why I like to
give them the power.

- Clever.
- Yeah.

Or let them think they have the power.

- Kind of like bottoming.
- Yeah, but you're the bottom...

You're actually the top,
but you're on the bottom.

- Right, right, right.
- You know?

Yeah. So, like, bottoming your kids?

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- That's a good...

Put it that way, yeah.

And then the kids are...

The kids are...

BOTH: The kids are on top.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Kids on top!

Joshy?

- JOSH: Yeah?
- Come here, tushy.

I need a little help.

- I'm taking you down.
- Oy, oy, oy!

Ooh, you're so strong.

What is this?

I came up with a system.

It's-it's called Steps for Cents and...

So I don't fritter
away my condo profits.

What's this " , steps"?

Once I do the ,
steps, then I'm allowed

to spend $ in fun money.

Who-Who's allowing you?

- I am.
- Mom, it's your nest egg.

I'm allowing me.

You don't have to be so
stingy with yourself.

Why is this so
difficult to understand?

- Why-why... Hey, hey!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Don't poke me.

You have a very sharp fingernail.

Okay.

- Um...
- Well...

- I-I got to be somewhere.
- Where?

Um... somewhere.

- Well, where?
- I-I got to go.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪
- (LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING)

RITA: Hey! Hey!

You going in there?

Hey! Hey!

Rita?

(LEAF BLOWER STOPS)

- Um...
- You came back!

Yeah.

I mean, I got a lot out of it last time.

Ah. So now you're a victim?

I was a victim.

Hey, you chased after me.

Yeah. I was , you were .

And it didn't matter. Did it?

Hey, there's something I
really wanted to ask you.

Did you jump?

(SCOFFS)

I... swan dived.

You know, something
that I didn't know was,

when you get to the waiting
room in the afterlife,

suicides get to the front of the line.

I got to get in there.

You know...

why don't I go in with you?

Come on.

I'll just... give you comfort.

Come on.

Leave me alone.

(RITA SCOFFS)

MARTIN: I sat in this meeting

for three months,

listening to everyone say
how great their life was.

But I still felt like sh*t.

And I was like, really?
I can't even jack off?

- (PIANO PLAYS GLISSANDO)
- What's the f*cking point?

Then I got a sponsor,
started working the steps,

and that's when my life
started to change.

(WHISPERING): Go away.

I'm just making sure you're
not changing the story.

MARTIN: Thank you for listening.
I'll be back.

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING
QUIETLY OVER SPEAKERS)

♪ ♪

Excuse me. Excuse me. Wh-What is this?

Uh, Upright Citizens Brigade.

What's that?

It's improv. A performance.

Wonderful.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Sumo Orgy .

- (ALL GROANING AND GRUNTING)
- (LAUGHTER)

WOMAN: I've never quite
seen sex dogs like this,

but these are absolutely the
best dogs I've ever seen.

They're all best in show!

No, don't do it! Don't do it, chickens!

(CROWD CHEERING)

BRIDGET: All right. Okay, last round.

Can we get one more suggestion?

Sauerkraut!

Sauerkraut. That is awesome.

Okay, sauerkraut it is.

(CROWD CHEERING)

BRIDGET: Do you need $
for your parking ticket?

WOMAN: I mean, yes.

Are you offering me $
to pay my parking ticket?

Excuse me. I'm the sauerkraut lady.

Oh! You're the sauerkraut lady.

Fantastic. That's my-my favorite
suggestion of the night.

Oh! G-Good.

- Bye.
- Bye.

So do you, you perform here...
a regular basis?

Yeah. And I teach some classes.

Oh.

Uh... Oh.

Isn't that...

That-that-that's terrific.

Yeah. It's fun. I-I come from improv.

I always want to spread the word.

You know, the art of it.

I could, I could tell, uh,
that there was an art to it.

- Yeah.
- Yes, and to life.

- Yes, and to life.
- There you go. Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

(GRUNTING)

Lila.

Lila. (SIGHS)

(MOANS): Oh.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Do you feel my wet p*ssy on your ass?

Oh, yes, yes.

(MOANING)

(HISSES) I want to see you.

I want to see you. I want to see you.

(EXHALES)

(PANTING)

(MOANING)

- Yeah.
- LEN: Have you seen my phone?

Hey. So, I was just...

No, no, I know what you're doing.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Wow. Dirty bird.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

- f*cking dirty.
- I have, like, a perma-boner.

Yeah, you were super
horny last night, too.

I know. Ya know, ya know.

I don't think that's what
you're supposed to be getting

out of these sex addicts meetings.

Getting all drummed up.

You want some of this?

f*ck yeah.

f*ck.

You're so wet.

What were you thinking about?

You.

Mm.

♪ ♪

(DAVINA AND SAL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

SAL: You act like it's my fault
that the transmission blew.

- DAVINA: You never check things.
- I check.

- You never take time...
- It's not my fault.

- It is, too.
- The transmission is blown.

DAVINA: Well, it's your fault
that the AAA check bounced,

- isn't it?
- Well, it only bounced

because the check that Jimmy
wrote me bounced. Okay?

And how does this surprise you?
Why is this surprising to you?

SAL: You look great.

Thank you.

So sorry. You all right?

Uh, yeah.

Can I wear these?

Well, yeah, you could... yeah.

I'm going out with Donald.

Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes?

Looks great, honey.

I'm never going on a
trip with him again.

Mm.

- Okay, honest.
- Yeah?

This? This?

I like the one you're wearing.

- This one.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's great.

I mean, slimming, right?

- Are you okay?
- I'm really good.

Where are you going on your date?

Oh, we're just gonna...

I'm going to his place.

Are you... Where is that?

Um...

Northridge.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ The wind has gone ♪

♪ The invisible come ♪

♪ Your memories are being run ♪

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

♪ The mountain scarred ♪

(DOOR BUZZES)

♪ By invisible bars ♪

♪ The stillness is on guard... ♪

Oh, Jesus.

God.

♪ Oh, the wind will come ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ Blow ♪

♪ Answer echo's answer ♪

(SNIFFLES)

♪ The mountain mine ♪

♪ From invisible time ♪

♪ I am next in line... ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You have to fix your elevator.

I'm sorry about the elevator.

- I'm so sorry.
- Almost left the chicken on the stairs.

♪ From incline to incline ♪

♪ Oh. ♪

Lordy.

(GRUNTS)

What did you do?

My goodness.

It's too bad I can't come with you.

Too bored in Israel.

I'll give you a warm bed.

Oh, yeah?

I would be in the hotel,
keeping the bed warm.

Hard for you all day.

MAURA: Then what would you do?

Suck on those tits.

(WHISPERS): Daddy.

Hey, you should watch the
live-stream of my lecture.

Oh, I'm not interested
in lectures, babe.

I've got all the gender
and Judaism I need

right here with you.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

DAVINA (MOANING): Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. That's really...

Don't ever stop doing the
thing that's happening.

Ooh.

Oh, that's really... that's incredible.

(MOANING)

- Ooh, my kidneys! Off, off!
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

- All right.
- (GRUNTS)

(GROANS, HISSES)

- (EXHALES)
- It's okay.

No, please don't touch... don't, just...

You know, baby, I wish you'd go back

to that acupuncture girl, huh?

She was helping you.

I've been taking these
meds for years.

I don't think sticking a needle
in me for bucks a pop

is gonna save my kidneys.

Yeah, but what can it hurt?

(SIGHS) We can't afford any more bills.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

ALI: Hi.

- Hello.
- How are you?

- Uh, good. Yeah.
- Good.

Um, is your husband home?

No, he's, um, gone out for... procedure.

Um, I just wanted to let him know,

you and the whole family,
that I'm-I'm going away.

So...

- I won't be downstairs.
- Okay.

I'm-I'm going to Israel for a week.

Why Israel?

Well, my mom is going, so...

But really 'cause...

I don't know just... (SIGHS)

this crazy world and these
crazy times, you know.

Just... just such bad anxiety.

I have anxiety, too.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Do you feel like it's-it's kind of like

your body, you know, telling you
something about what it needs?

I-I feel like it's-it's my body
screaming at me, you know.

"You're in the wrong place.

You are in the wrong place."

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

MAURA: ♪ Try not to get worried ♪

♪ Try not to get wor... ♪

♪ To get worried now ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ Everything's all right now ♪

BOTH: ♪ Everything's fine ♪

(MAURA HUMS)

Oh, my God, you guys
were obsessed with that.

- (HUMS)
- Okay, let's do our idiot check.

Idiot check.

- ♪ Try not to get worried ♪
- What are you doing?

- ♪ Try not to get... ♪
- That is ridiculous looking.

You look like an orphan who got
separated from her parents.

Stop. I am an orphan.

This is not...

this is very sort of
Kindertransport sort of...

please, take care of this bear.

It's extremely triggering.

Well, you are too easily triggered.

(SIGHS)

♪ Try not to get worried ♪

♪ Try not to get worried ♪

♪ Try not to get worried now. ♪

What is that?

ALI: Pot gummies.

MAURA: What?

- Pot gummies. Here.
- (WHISPERS): Marijuana?

Yeah.

It's medical marijuana.

It's fine. It's legal. Everybody has it.

It's illegal and you
cannot take it on a plane.

First of all, we're gonna eat it.

(WHISPERS): I have Xanax.

- This is Xanax.
- And I have...

Why would you take that ugly,
yucky pharmaceutical stuff

when nature made you Xanax

and put it in this delicious,
cute, little gummy bear?

I-I was just gonna
have you eat the head.

Well, surely the head is not enough.

You're gonna be so high.

(HUMMING)

("THE TEMPLE" FROM JESUS
CHRIST SUPERSTAR PLAYING)

♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪

♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪

♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪

♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪

♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪

♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪

♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪

♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪

♪ Name your price, I've got everything ♪

♪ Come on, buy, it's going fast ♪

♪ Borrow cash on the finest terms ♪

♪ Hurry now, it's going fast ♪

♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪

♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪

♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪

♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪

♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪

♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪

♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪

♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪

♪ Name your price, I've got everything ♪

♪ Come on, buy, it's going fast ♪

♪ Borrow cash on the finest terms... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪

♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪

♪ Take your pick of the finest wine ♪

♪ Lay your bets on this bird of mine ♪

♪ Roll on up for the price is down ♪

♪ Come on in for the best in town ♪

♪ My temple should be ♪

♪ A house of prayer ♪

♪ But you have made it ♪

♪ A den of thieves ♪

♪ Ah, oh. ♪

AGENT: Wait right here, ma'am.

Hold up. We're gonna
have to pat you down.

Oh. Why-why?

You've got a groin anomaly.

(MAURA CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry, what?

- AGENT: A groin anomaly.
- What's happening, Mom?

Back up, ma'am.

ALI: What's going on? Why
are you hassling her?

I have a groin anomaly.

AGENT: I have to pat you down.

- Um...
- Okay. Whatever you people are doing,

- I'm recording it.
- AGENT: Ma'am, you can put that away.

I am not gonna put it away and
please don't call me "ma'am."

- Shh, take it easy.
- AGENT: Ma'am.

- Um... Ma'am.
- I have to pat you down.

May I talk to you?

I'm trans. Do you
understand what that is?

I have, um...

I have a penis.

Oh, then we're gonna need a male agent.

Matt.

- Yeah.
- MAURA: Hi, Matt. I'm, um...

I can't pat her down; you
need to pat her down.

I can't pat her down. She's got a penis.

- Well, she's a woman, right?
- Well...

- You know, I don't really...
- No, he said he's got a penis.

- I don't mind who pats me down.
- ALI: What is going on?

Sorry, just give us one minute.

No, I would like to know what's
going on with my mother.

- AGENT: I have to pat you down.
- Um...

Ma'am, you need to back up
and give us some space.

ALI: Is this because she's trans?

Aren't you people trained in this?

Please, turn off your phone.

- ALI: No.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just, uh... please, pat me down.

Hold on one moment, ma'am.

Can I get a supervisor over here?

Please, put your hand down. I
have every right to film this.

- MAURA: Hi.
- SUPERVISOR: What's the situation here?

MAURA: Here's the situation. I'm trans.

I have a penis. Pat me down.

All right? If you want me to be a man

to pat me down, I'll be a man.

If you want me to be a
woman, I'll be a woman.

If you want me to be a f*cking
chicken, I'll be a chicken.

Okay, you're gonna have to pat her down.

Just make sure to get high in the thigh.

- Okay.
- Lord have mercy.

♪ See my tongue, I can hardly talk ♪

♪ See my skin, I'm a mass of blood ♪

♪ See my legs, I can hardly stand ♪

♪ I believe you can make me well ♪

♪ See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man ♪

♪ Will you touch, will
you mend me, Christ? ♪

♪ Won't you touch, will
you heal me, Christ? ♪

♪ Will you kiss, can
you cure me, Christ? ♪

♪ Won't you kiss, won't
you pay me, Christ? ♪

♪ See my eyes, I can hardly see ♪

♪ See me stand, I can hardly walk ♪

♪ I believe you can make me whole ♪

♪ See my tongue, I can hardly talk ♪

♪ See my skin, I'm a mass of blood ♪

♪ See my legs, I can hardly stand ♪

♪ I believe you can make me well ♪

♪ See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man ♪

♪ Will you touch, will
you mend me, Christ? ♪

♪ Won't you touch, will
you heal me, Christ? ♪

♪ Will you kiss, will
you cure me, Christ? ♪

♪ Won't you kiss, won't
you pay me, Christ? ♪

♪ See my eyes... ♪

♪ Ooh, there's too many of you ♪

♪ Don't push me ♪

♪ Oh, there's too little of me ♪

♪ Don't, don't crowd me ♪

♪ Mm, don't crowd me. ♪