04x04 - Cool Guy

[bunniefuu]

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

I'm so happy you're still awake.

- You don't answer texts?
- I'm so sorry, they all just came in,

- and they're total gibberish, by the way.
- You know that I've

- been texting you all night?
- I know, I'm sorry,

they all just came
in. I really apologize.

But listen, I had the
most incredible night.

We went to Ramallah,
and then I went to...

- What, Ramallah?
- Yes.

What were you doing in Ramallah?

Everything, and then I went to a farm

outside of this little village and...

Ali.

Yes.

My father's alive.

Oh, my God.

A-Are you sure?

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

(WOMEN SPEAKING HEBREW)

BOTH: Cool Guy!

♪ Pfefferman, Pfefferman... ♪

♪ Ha Mazgan la chevreman. ♪

The Cool Guy.

(BELL DINGS)

ALI: Oh, my God.

Cool Guy is your dad?

Cool Guy is your grandfather.

Cool Guy is my grandfather?

MAURA: I don't know. Bry thinks it is.

- ALI: Oh, my God.
- It's crazy.

Don't you see this is why we're here?

- Oh, come on. Don't do that.
- This is why we're here.

It all makes so much sense now.

Are you high?

We have to find him.

Okay, let's figure out where he lives.

Moshe Pfefferman.

Yes. You can do it on that thing?

You can do anything on this thing.

Finding your long-lost
father is nothing

compared to some of
the stalking I've done.

This is insane.

Okay, he lives in
Caesarea. It's not that far.

- (SINGING CONTINUES ON COMPUTER)
- This is nuts.

Address, address, I got an address.

You got it?

♪ ♪

You okay?

What the f*ck are we doing? (INHALES)

(WITH ISRAELI ACCENT): Cool Guy.

(CHUCKLING)

MAURA: Holy sh*t.

I can't believe we're doing this.

This is a bad idea.

ALI: No, no, no, we're
here. We're going in.

Come on, I got you.

MAURA: Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

I mean, he's not going to recognize me.

He left when I was four.

He lives like a Malibu Jew.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Um...

Okay, obviously there's no one here.

ALI: Somebody's back there. Let's go.

MAURA: Ali, Ali, Ali.

MAURA: Okay, come on. This
is trespassing, you know.

ALI: It's not trespassing,
it's your father.

MAURA: Oh, my God.

ALI: Oh, my God, is that him down there?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, who are you?

Hi. Um...

I'm, um...

My mother was Rose, Rose Boymelgreen.

I was born "Mort."

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Morty?

I, I was born Morty, but now I'm Maura.

You were born Mort?

Yes. I'm just, um...

I, well, I'm, I'm...

Explain.

Um... Do you know what transgender is?

It means you thought she
was a boy, but she's a woman.

Okay, uh, so it's Maura, huh?

I guess, come on in.

Come on.

BRIDGET: Feel your body.

Yes.

Come on, guys, this is
a safe space, let's go.

- What do you...?
- Yo.

Let your character take up the space

it needs to take up.

MAN: Get out of here.

BRIDGET: When you find
someone, shake their hand

and introduce yourself.

SHELLY: Bring it over here.

(LAUGHS) How are you?

I'm Mario.

Hi, Mario, nice to meet you.

Wow, you have a strong handshake, Mario.

Yeah, it is nice to meet me.

- (LAUGHS)
- This place is crazy.

You know what? I would rather be eating.

Eating a huge hoagie. That's right.

A hoagie is a hoagie.
You got my picture?

- You see what I'm telling you?
- I got it.

- So you're a guy's guy.
- Don't you f*ckin' forget it.

Don't you f*ckin' forget it.
Look at me and look at you.

- Who else wants to meet Mario?
- Who else wants to meet Mario?

- Come on in, come on in.
- Who the f*ck else?

Hey, yeah, you got
muscles. You know what?

- I got bigger muscles than you.
- Oh!

Hey, hey, feel that m*therf*cker.

Feel it, that's right.

- Feel this?
- Oh, f*ck that noise.

- (LAUGHTER)
- f*ck this guy.

- I'd like to arm-wrestle you.
- Hey!

Tell you what, your muscles
are bigger that mine?

My cock's bigger than
yours. How about that?

BRIDGET: Okay!

Great job, you guys. Everybody
take a seat in the audience.

Whoo! Great work. Great work.

Great work.

(ITALIAN OPERA PLAYING)

Ciao.

- MAN: Hey!
- Hey!

- Forget about it!
- Hey, forget about it.

Vaffanculo, I'll see you next time.

You earned my respect, Mario.

(GIGGLING)

- MAN: Hi, ma'am.
- Hey.

Think I'm gonna have a sandwich.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna have me a big, long,

hard roll with a lot
of... lot of stuff on it.

- You know? A big hoagie.
- Oh, a hoagie, okay.

- You got some brown meat here?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We got mortadella over here.
- What's this?

Give me a lot of mayonnaise.

- That got fat in it?
- Mortadella.

'Cause I want it to
have a lot of fat in it.

(OPERA CONTINUES)

(SATISFIED MOANS)

LEN: This is such a
cool neighborhood, Lila.

SARAH: Yeah, it's called Frogtown, Len.

And stop distracting her.
She's trying to read my thing.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

This is great.

- Really?
- Really, it's all in here.

- Really, you like it?
- Yeah.

- You're really a good writer, Sarah.
- Really?

- She's the best.
- It's great, I'm so impressed.

Hey, so Sarah was just saying that, um,

she couldn't remember exactly

who said the words "kids on top" first.

Yeah. I think we kind of
said it at the same time.

- At the same time. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Jinx.

- Buy me a Coke.
- Yes,

so she was thinking it might
be weird if, um, she just

- started working on the book...
- Right.

without getting it set up legally.

You want to make this into a book?

I mean, you know, we could start,

like, with, you know, a website.

I mean, this is just, you
know... it's just, like, a blog.

But I think we could
totally turn it into a book,

and I thought maybe, you know,
we could do it together

if you wanted to,
if you're into it.

Yeah?

- Well, I mean, I'd be honored, I'd...
- Really?

- Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun.
- Yay.

- Yeah.
- Great.

LILA: And so, Len,
you would be, like, the...

the Yoko?

- No.
- Is that what you want?

Right, no, he's, he's...

I would be, like, the lawyer.

- He's like Ringo.
- You're... the lawyer.

- The lawyer. I mean, that's...
- Useless but necessary.

- Right.
- Yeah.

But just to avoid any
confusion down the line,

you guys should have a contract.

- Yeah.
- Like, someone is %, someone's %.

Just so there's never
any sort of deadlock.

Right.

Oh. Something's... up?

No, it just seems a
little unfair, right?

Like, it should just be fifty-fifty.

- Yeah. No, she's right.
- No?

It should just be
fifty-fifty. That's fair.

I'm just, I'm a Libra, so
I'm just super into fair.

(WHISPERING): She's a Libra.

- It's kind of the way I feel.
- Oh, sh*t.

Did you want me to put it in
the contract that you're a Libra?

- I think you should.
- I'm joking.

- I'm not gonna put it in the contract.
- No? Okay.

You don't have to, but I think
we should keep talking it out,

all these little fun details, you know?

Um, do you guys mind if I smoke?

- SARAH: I mean...
- LEN: Whatever you want to do.

SARAH: Oh, smoke smoke.

Yeah. It's a vodka bong.

- Fun.
- A what kind of bong?

- Vodka bong.
- (LAUGHS)

SARAH: We smoke.

- Cool.
- LEN: Yeah.

This is, uh, Shira,

and Ronit is the younger one.

They're my, uh, Israeli family.

What do you think?

ALI: These are your daughters.

MOSHE: Yeah, my wife
passed away four years ago.

But Shira has two kids, and
Ronit has a daughter, Moran.

So I have grandchildren.

You, you know, um,

you have great-grandchildren
on our side.

- MOSHE: Good Lord.
- Yeah.

May I ask you a question?

Where were you?

(EXHALES)

I, um...

Mom said that you d*ed. (LAUGHS)

Did you die?

I didn't die, no.

What the f*ck happened to you?

You know, I mean, start again?

You can just start again,
is that what you can do?

I had no choice.

I wasn't the father in that house.

He was.

Rose's dad.

Haim.

Huh. Your grandfather.

He was the boss.

He... he loved to punish people.

He had fists like cantaloupes.

Bam. (CHUCKLES)

"You do it my way, or you
get the hell out of here."

The day he showed me the door,

I grabbed my stuff and I ran for it.

JOSH: So, yeah, I was
the only man in the house

when, when I was growing up.

Yeah.

But for super complicated reasons,

I was... I was not aware

that I was the only man in my house.

I'm not trying to be convoluted,

it's just... it's very hard to explain.

Um, but, um...

There was a lot of confusion.

MOSHE: But then,

Israel.

Yeah, it was... a new country.

A country for us, our safe haven.

And if that doesn't
scream second chance,

I don't know what does.

And I sure grabbed a hold of it.

JOSH: You know, I was a kid

when stuff started with the older woman.

I mean, at the time I was,
like, bragging about it.

It was, like, I was
the stud of the century.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Um... And, I mean, I was
pretty pumped about it.

You know, I was getting
my -year-old f*ck on.

And, um...

My parents knew.

They thought it was, uh... or
they acted like it was normal.

Like, that's what men
do. Men f*ck, right?

(INHALES)

(EXHALES)

But it wasn't normal.

This person, Rita...

she f*cking owned me.

She owns me.

Nobody knew me here.

I was not a disappointment
to anyone here.

Hmm.

I was just a... new Jew
with a bright future.

So I made myself, made my fortune,

and I made my family.

And you never looked back.

Shame is a funny thing.

It's funny?

Yeah.

LILA: Mm.

(EXHALES)

LILA: Every time I smoke weed,

I feel like I'm finally back in my body.

- You know?
- LEN: Yes. Oh, my God.

The water goddess.

Whoa...

- I love the light in here.
- LEN: It's great.

Yeah, it's good light, right?

Self care starts with good light.

- LEN: So nice.
- Feel like I have to protect myself

to get ready for the
upcoming revolution.

LILA: You know, whatever
post-capitalism holds for us.

LEN: You think that's gonna happen?

Post-capitalism, like,
we're not gonna work anymore?

(LAUGHS)

Because I don't want to work, either.

Work is dumb.

That's the future that
I want to be a part of.

LILA: I feel like work's
just gonna be different,

- you know?
- LEN: Yeah.

Isn't it f*cking crazy,
though, that you meet someone

at a sex addicts meeting,

and then, the next thing
you know, you're, like,

you're writing a book with them.

Bing, bang, boom.

Wait, what now?

You guys met at the...

at the sex addicts thing?

It's also love. It's also love addicts.

But I thought that
you guys met at the...

East Side JCC, yeah.

SARAH: It's an anonymous program.

You know, I don't tell
people, that's all.

I didn't, like, I
didn't keep it from you.

All right.

- Yeah.
- LILA: Did I mess up?

No.

No, you're perfect.

(LAUGHING): Okay. Okay. I'm perfect.

SARAH: You're beautiful,
you're absolutely perfect.

So, Lila.

Do you think

my ex-wife is a sex addict?

(LILA CHUCKLES)

Why, do you think she's a sex addict?

LEN: Well, what do you think?

LILA: What do you think it means, Len?

I would say that a sex addict

is someone who puts sex
at the front of everything.

And someone who uses her body

the way Christopher
Columbus used his ships,

- to, like, explore and...
- (SCOFFS)

I mean, it sounds a... a little hostile,

the way you're saying
it. A little hostile.

- Thank you.
- Yeah

Yeah. It's a little hostile, Len.

But what if I didn't
mean it in a hostile way?

- No, of course you didn't.
- That's not what I meant.

SARAH: Buzzkill.

It was, like, very...

Bad choice of words;
Christopher Columbus is a d*ck.

- SARAH: Yeah.
- I didn't mean it in a hostile way.

I'm so high.

- (LAUGHS)
- I'm so stoned.

SARAH: Whatever, I don't care.

You know, I think that men have a...

a hard time with female sexuality.

Like, by itself.

Right?

- Boom.
- 'Cause, like, they understand it

when it's in relationship to them.

But female desire,

by itself, is terrifying to people.

LEN: Right, right.

- You make a good point.
- Thank you.

Yeah. That's why I usually take a while

before I, like, come out to people.

You know?

Come out as what?

LEN: Come out as like a...

like a sex addict?

No. I've only been to a couple meetings.

Uh, so, no, not really like a...

You mean, like, come out as a lesbian?

Um, no.

♪ All of a sudden... ♪

- No.
- Like what?

- (LAUGHTER)
- What is it?

Uh...

Uh, I, I guess like a... let's see.

Like, um... a...

poly-hearted,

bisexual, human woman. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, like, what are the...

like, what are the rules of that?

SARAH: Do people get jealous?

Yeah, but people in couples
get jealous, too, you know?

I actually find that
there's less jealousy

between three people

and a lot more trust.

- Hmm.
- So, there's, like, a better flow.

You know, we crave different things.

And then, because I'm so
attracted to men and women,

the sex part is just, like, so much fun.

- Sounds fun.
- It's super fun.

- (LILA CHUCKLES)
- Sounds super fun.

LILA: Yeah.

Sex is fun.

Mm-hmm.

Well, we should be going.

We got to pick up our
kids at school and...

I don't think... I
think we have got time.

Yeah, I don't think school
gets out for, like...

- a couple hours.
- Yeah, it's only, like, : .

So you're saying we should stay?

I mean, we don't have...

I mean, I don't know, can we stay?

Of course, yeah, you
definitely could stay.

If you want to.

♪ ♪

(LILA GIGGLES)

You want to stay?

- Yeah, I'll stay.
- LILA: Stay.

- Stay.
- LILA: Definitely stay.

♪ And I say to the Devil ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ There's a shelter ♪

♪ Waiting on me when I'm home ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ What do you say? ♪

(WHISPERING): Okay,
here's what I'm gonna do...

No.

No. I'm gonna tell you what to do.

Okay.

I just want to be clear.

I'm running this joint.

Here's what I want.

♪ Once you give in ♪

I want to f*ck this beautiful thing.

♪ So I dig ♪

And I want to use your d*ck.

♪ Down in the valley ♪

♪ Where I lay... ♪

Good thing I brought my d*ck.

(LILA LAUGHS)

♪ What did I say? ♪

♪ Oh, I release you ♪

♪ From my soul. ♪

(DOOR CLOSES, THEN LOCKS)

(BELT RATTLES)

(SIGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

You had a big day.

Shh.

Telling everyone about your
tragic childhood with me.

- (SIGHS)
- I can tell you what's wrong with you.

You're other-justified.

What?

Oh, your need to be liked,

approved of.

You know, real men grow out of that.

Just...

Real men

know how to be alone.

f*ck.

With their own thoughts.

Hey, you want some help with that?

No.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me.

No, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

(RITA GIGGLES)

You're sure you don't want my help?

f*ck.

f*ck!

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Hmm.

Oh, f*ck.

- What?
- Hmm?

We got to get our f*cking kids.

Oh, my God, yeah.

- We have to get our kids.
- Oh, yeah.

- Like, for real this time.
- We have to go now, right?

(GROANS)

- Super fun.
- Yeah.

Oh, I don't want to go.

(BOTH CHUCKLING AND MOANING)

- Whoa, what is happening?
- (LAUGHING): Sorry.

- What's happening?
- Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going.

That was really fun. Thank you so much.

LEN: Where's my phone?

SARAH: Where are my shoes?

(CHUCKLES)

SARAH: Okay. Bye, Lila.

MAURA: I have one last
question before we go.

What about Mom?

How could you leave her?

Aye, Rose.

Rose never loved me.

She was like a depressed person.

Why? Why was she so depressed?

Why? 'Cause of the f*cking Holocaust.

You ever heard of it?

I'm trying to explain
to you, some families

got out.

But... no family ever got out clean.

You know what I mean?

Like your mother. You can't blame her

because of the death of
her brother... uh, uh...

or sister... (MUMBLES)

- What do you, what do you mean?
- What are you talking about?

Gershon, Gittel, Gittel, Gershon...

ALI: What do you mean?

Gershon was Gittel's husband.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

- Gershon and Gittel were the same person.
- They were married.

- No, they...
- That's impossible.

I'm telling you, it's like

what you are, Gittel
was; the same thing.

Trans, what do you call that?

A trans something?

I'm sorry, you're saying
that Gittel was transgender?

Transgender.

Yeah.

What? Is this...?

- Look, I never said...
- Yeah.

I never... I never said...

Rose never told you this?

What is it, Mom?

MOSHE: Nobody ever told you?

ALI: Oh, my God.

Is it po... is it possible?

I-I can't.

I can't.

I have to go.

Wh-Why? What?

MAURA: I...

I can't, um...

ALI: Okay, okay.

Are you all right?

Is he all right or is he...?

- She, she, she's... no, she's...
- She, she's all right?

Uh, no. Thank you.

Sorry.

- You're welcome.
- Tha-Thank you.

("TIME" BY KELSEY LU PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

You okay?

Why didn't they tell me?

My whole life, I thought
I was alone in this.

Imagine if I'd known.

♪ You're running out of time ♪

♪ Running out of things
to hide ♪

♪ From the ones that found you out ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ The feelings that you feel ♪

♪ Aren't real ♪

♪ Aren't real ♪

♪ You stole ♪

♪ My heart... ♪

♪ With your old, wise soul ♪

♪ Having you as my love ♪

♪ Used to be my goal. ♪