02x05 - Up, down and round the farm

[bunniefuu]

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(ENGINE DRONING)

(CHEERING)

Hello, everyone!

Hello!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thanks, everyone.

Hello.

- (CHEERING CONTINUES)
- Thank you.

- JAMES: Thank you.
- Thank you so much, everyone.

Thank you and welcome. Welcome!

And in this show,
we have literally everything

the motoring enthusiast
could possibly want.

A shopping centre...

an expl*si*n...

and a man banging a pole.

(CHEERING)

Exciting stuff, isn't it?

That... That is all to come -
but we start with this.

If you're wealthy and you have
nothing to do all day long,

you're going to develop a drink problem.

It's inevitable and it always happens.

Paul Gascoigne, Queen Mother...

(LAUGHTER)

- James May.
- (LAUGHTER)

But if you're from
the United Arab Emirates,

you can't do that.

So instead, they buy toys
that run on the stuff

that made them rich in the first place.

What, gold?

No, James. Not gold.
Go and have another gin.

That's why this week,

I've taken The Grand Tour to Dubai.

So let's start out here.

And let's start with this.

Ah-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

This is what's called a Sandrail.

A vehicle built specifically
to play in places like this.

Whoo! Ha-ha!

Admittedly, they were
invented in the USA.

But here in the UAE,

things are a bit more hardcore.

In America, they turn these
out with 300, 400 horsepower.

Over here, they've dialled that up.

To 1500.

Ho-ho!

And they run them on
these incredibly aggressive

paddle-style tyres.

Which means it can accelerate from 0-60

in under three seconds.

That's supercar speeds - on sand!

Holy mo... It's...

Roughing hell!

I'm doing (BLEEP) wheelies!

(EXHAUST BOOMS, ENGINE REVS)

Jesus! Ohh-ho!

That's insane!

I'm in love!

Keen to see what else
the locals are driving,

I headed back into town.

This is called the Ripsaw

and it's built by a small American firm

who specialise in extreme
off-road vehicles.

Their customers are mainly the m*llitary

and the people who make
the Fast & Furious films.

However, if you have the money -

uh... look where we are -

you can have a Ripsaw
built just for you,

as your own private run-about.

So, let's see what it's like.

Oh, and straight away we are
in thumbs-up territory.

Gull-wing doors.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Safety.

It's a t*nk. I'm in a t*nk.
It's matte black.

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm on the road!

Because each Ripsaw is custom-made,

there is no definitive price list.

But I can tell you,

this one cost its owner around £300,000.

For that, you get what's billed
as a high-end luxury supertank.

And if you're nine, which I am,

it doesn't get much better than that.

On the luxury front, I've got air-con,

electrically adjusted
leather seats, stereo.

I mean, it's hardly
a Bentley Bentayga in here

but look at all the controls
and switches.

I've got winches, work lights,

a light bar.

And who doesn't want

a Thunderbirds-style steering wheel?

Ooh. Roundabout.

Yeah.

Ooh. Yeah, I'll be honest,

visibility is a bit poor out the sides.

It should get marked down for that.

And it turns out

visibility isn't the Ripsaw's
only drawback as a city car.

So here I am at the shops,
looking for a parking space.

As you do.

And... Well, you can see for yourself.

They haven't thought somebody
might turn up in one of these.

Thankfully, because the Ripsaw
weighs nearly four tonnes,

and is a t*nk,

it can get round this issue.

There we go.

I think at the next management meeting,

they'll be having a serious rethink about
the width of their parking spaces.

Morning, shoppers.

To be fair, this is a
very big shopping centre.

This is easier than walking. It's miles.

Ooh, that reminds me.
I need to get cat food.

Unfortunately, I couldn't
find the pet shop

so it was time to leave.

I'm going to go out the way I came in.
I don't want to make too much mess.

And right now, you'll be thinking:

how's he going to do a
three-point-turn in that thing?

Ah, this is actually better than that.

For in-town manoeuvrability,
this is a tremendous feature.

I'm surprised more
manufacturers don't fit it.

Although the Ripsaw is,
in its own unique way,

a good town run-about,

it's definitely at its happiest...

...out here.

With a huge 6.6 litre diesel V8,

the standard Ripsaw is acknowledged as
the fastest tracked vehicle ever built.

But this particular Ripsaw
is not the standard model.

In a normal state of tune
it's 400 brake horsepower.

This one's been taken up to 700.

And 975 pounds feet of torque.

Nearly four tonnes of off-road t*nk

travelling at 60mph perfectly happily.

It is mighty.

An equally surprising
sensation is the ride.

I thought, because it's tracked, it'll
just be solid and incredibly brutal.

But it has suspension.

More suspension travel
than a Range Rover,

so it's supple.

Suddenly, it's more gazelle than rhino.

This thing rocks.

And when it comes to bashing the dunes,

the Ripsaw is in a league of its own.

A Land Rover Discovery can
climb a gradient of about 45%.

This thing, 75.

That's damn near vertical.

Boom! Ha-ha!

This is the moment
when, in desert driving:

"Oh, no! What's beyond? What's beyond?"

But I'm not worried, cos I'll be fine.

Ha-ha.

Yeah!

I've driven in deserts a lot,

never in something
that just feels this capable.

I mean, camels are good
in the desert, yeah.

But this is better.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

What a device.

I love this thing.

(CHEERING)

I want one, I want one. Yep!

- I really, really want one.
- I do.

Very nice.

Not bothered about that 1400
horsepower thing, but "that".

Yeah.

I must ask, though, can you drive a
tracked vehicle on the road in the UK?

- Well, the Army can.
- Apart from the Army.

You're not allowed to drive a tracked
vehicle that's going to damage the road,

but the Ripsaw's OK because
the tracks are rubber.

And of course, because they're rubber,
if you're a complete nincompoop

and you crash into
somebody's treasured BMW,

it does less damage... Did you see that?

Did you know you had even done that?

No.

It's a t*nk. Which is why I love it.

And now it is time for us to pop
into the post office of chat

on Conversation Street.

(MELLOW JAZZ)

Now...

...as this is the start of a new year,

we thought we'd have a look
at some of the cars we...

we're looking forward
to coming along in 2018.

It's actually quite a car-ry
Conversation Street.

And I want to start with
the Bentley Continental GT,

cos that's been around
for what, 15 years now?

- Yeah, it is.
- 15 years.

Anyway, they've restyled it,
given it an all-new look.

Here it is.

RICHARD: Wow, that is radical, isn't it?

(LAUGHS) Yes, all they've
changed... What?

Well, it's a good question.

Anyway, on the inside, they say it
has "driver-orientated instruments".

As opposed to what?

Yeah, no idea.

They say the central command
screen is "retina quality".

I hope it's not my retina quality.

(LAUGHTER)

It'll be sort of slightly blurry and
a bit bloodshot round the edges.

Actually, if you defocus my camera

you can see what it would look like.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Like that.

Actually, that's better.

Yeah, to be honest,
I wish I had your retina,

- sitting here looking at you - it's better.
- I do.

So anyway, in short, this car
looks the same as it did before.

It has a speedometer you can see

and a satnav screen that's in focus,

all for £150,000.

No, but actually, to be fair, for
a W12 twin-turbo car like that,

150 grand these days isn't bad.

And... And I bet that's
a bloody good car.

- I think it probably will be.
- I bet you it is.

I bet that's going to be
bloody good as well.

The only thing I don't like
about Bentley,

I wish they'd stop going on about
all that Bentley boys at Mulsanne,

and men in aprons making things.

I've got a bit from their...
from their blurb here.

With your blurry eyes, here he goes.

Retina quality reading coming up.

It's really not working, is it?

Oh, so depressing!

It says, "Designed, engineered
and handcrafted in Britain".

But the truth is, that's a
Porsche Panamera underneath

and it has a VW engine,

and a Porsche gearbox, in fact.

No, that's true but the chief
executive of Bentley is called

- Bunter Potherington-Smythe.
- Is he?

No, he's called Wolfgang Durheimer.

- Is he?
- Yeah. A bit of a giveaway.

But that's exactly the sort of
thing they should celebrate.

They should say, "Bentley. Don't
worry, it's reassuringly German".

Precisely. That's what
you want to hear, actually.

- There's a chance it might work.
- Anyway, have you seen this?

This is the AMG Project One
developed by Lewis Hamilton,

so presumably it will have
pierced door mirrors.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

- And tattooed bodywork.
- Yeah.

And when it gets to where
it's going, the satnav says,

"Hashtag blessed".

(LAUGHTER)

Going to cost two million pounds.

Doesn't say whether that includes tax.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)

(APPLAUSE)

Cheeky, that is.

- Cruel but fair.
- Ha-ha-ha!

A car I'm looking forward
to driving this year is this.

That is the new BMW 8 Series.

And if it actually looks like that,

that admittedly is the styling
thing that they show the public.

But if it looks like that,
I think it will be fantastic.

And I've heard that it will be
available with a 6.6-litre V12.

- That's a waste of time.
- What?

Well, V12s actually don't make
much sense, if you think about it.

Well, that's a bit of a
sweeping statement, isn't it?

No, seriously, cos you get
all the complexity

and all the thirst
and where's the upside?

Well, for a given capacity you get a
greater number of smaller pistons

which have a lower reciprocating rate,

which means you can have a
higher rev line on the engine,

- and that gets you more power.
- (LAUGHTER)

Has a point.

Yeah, the thing is, though, the power,

the extra power you talk about,

as a result of whatever
it was you just said,

is offset by the weight.

And they sound dreary,

and all V12s depreciate like
pianos falling off tower blocks.

No, they do. Friend of mine, OK?

He had a Ferrari GTC4Lusso, the V12 one.

Kept it four months and sold it,

after four months -

and lost £55,000.

- Ouch.
- In four months.

Four... Yes! I mean,
if he'd have had the V8,

it wouldn't have depreciated that much.

Well, mainly because he wouldn't have
wanted to sell it in the first place.

That is really good buyers' advice
for everyman! We all now know...

This from a man who's just
reviewed a £300,000 t*nk!

(LAUGHTER)

- Has anyone got an expensive car?
- MAN: Yes.

- What?
- MAN: Range Rover.

That's not expensive.

(LAUGHTER)

A Range Rover. We use those as vans.

(MAN CALLS OUT)

What's the most... A what?

SVR.

Oh, an SVR is quite expensive.

- Is that with the V8 in it?
- Yes.

- Do you not feel an idiot when you overtake?
- No, Hammond, it's got a 1.3!

(LAUGHTER)

With that supercharged V8 you feel
like such an idiot when you overtake

cos of the noise it makes.
It's genuinely embarrassing.

I'll admit... OK, let's not talk
about supercars anymore.

Try and think of something
that isn't about Lamborghinis.

- Well...
- (LAUGHS)

It is, as well!

The car I most like the look of is this:

it's the Lamborghini concept for...

(LAUGHTER)

Actually made me do it.

It's called the Terzo Millennio.

I don't know if that's how you
pronounce that: Terzo Millennio.

But thing about that car, interesting,

it has super capacitors
instead of batteries,

which are apparently better,
and a motor in each wheel.

You can see them, and they glow
when it's running, which is cool.

But best of all, they say
it has self-healing bodywork.

It's got nanotubes in it,
which can detect damage,

and then repair it.

- How does that work?
- I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

No, they said they've been
thinking outside the box to do it.

I think they've been thinking
inside the pub, haven't they?

With its self-healing...

No, but when that isn't a drawing
any more and is a real car,

and you went on a motor show stand
and ran a key down the side of it,

I bet they wouldn't say, "Well, that's
good, now we can watch it mend itself."

No, they might charge
after you, bellowing,

"I hope you've got nanotubes, chum.
You're going to get a kicking."

(LAUGHTER)

Things I'm excited about,
it's actually out about now.

Renault have a pickup truck.

- Look at that!
- What?

- Yeah.
- Why?

Because the whole world wants
one. Je suis un rouge neck.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Je suis un nerd-kicker.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry to say that won't work,

cos the Americans don't want a Renault and
the French don't want a pickup truck.

!sis like a pickup truck, don't they?

- !sis would...
- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm just looking for a market.
- It's a good idea.

This is business, that's what you do.

- No, if Renault ship them all out to Syria...
- Yeah?

"Oh, these crappy old Toyotas".

Shiny new Renault - it won't start.

It would solve !sis in a heartbeat.

Global peace.

(MIMICS ENGINE SPUTTERING)
"The drone's coming!"

(MIMICS ENGINE SPUTTERING)
They'll be blown to pieces.

Thank you, Renault.
Well done, saved the world.

Renault has saved the world.

- Who knew?
- Yeah.

I tell you what I thought you'd like
most of all for this year, is this.

I do like the look of that.

That is the new... It's the
Dodge Challenger Demon.

It's basically an even more
powerful version of the Hellcat

I drove in the last series.
840 horsepower.

And it's got those
little wheels at the front

because it's set up there
for drag racing.

- But it looks like a T-Rex.
- What?

It's ridic... It's like that.
It's just stupid.

That's why T-Rexs d*ed out,
they couldn't reach anything.

Well, they were good at drag
racing though, weren't they?

But they... they couldn't
even pleasure themselves.

- Sorry?
- (LAUGHTER)

Well, how would
a T-Rex pleasure himself?

How has your mind even gone there?

I'm telling you...

- Is that why they were always in such a bad mood?
- Yes.

And that is the end
of Conversation Street.

(CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

Excellent, excellent. Now...

Moving on, I would like to talk
a little about hot hatchbacks,

because I think they
might be getting a bit silly.

The AMG Mercedes A Class
develops 375 horsepower.

The Focus RS has 345 horsepower.

Why do you need that
much power in a hatchback?

- Well, James...
- Well, nothing.

Because I think it's time we
all just calmed down a bit.

This is the Golf GTI,

and it's a perfect illustration
of what I'm on about.

Yes, it is quick.
And it should be quick.

It's got more power
than a 1980s Ferrari.

But then again, it needs a lot of power
because it's so big and so heavy.

The hot hatch wasn't always like this.

To show you what I mean,

here's the original Golf GTI
from 42 years ago.

And it's a very different animal indeed.

Now that car wasn't
about massive rear leg room

or a big bulky body,

or a huge duvet of sound deadening,

or all this equipment,
or any of that stuff.

It was just about
having a bit of a laugh,

darting around in
a biscuit-tin body of a car.

Sadly they don't
make 'em like that any more.

Well, except when they do.

This is the Volkswagen up! -
the smallest car VW sells.

And now they've made a GTI version.

A car that's been created

to resurrect the spirit
of that original Mark I Golf.

In fact, the similarities are uncanny.

Let's start with horsepower.

The original had just 108,

and the up! GTI
has a similarly modest 113,

giving both cars a 0-60 time

of around nine seconds.

It's also a little bit
'80s retro in here.

For a start, you
start it by turning a key.

There's no button to press for people who
want to pretend to be fighter pilots.

You change gear using a stick

and an old-fashioned clutch pedal.

I haven't looked in the boot

but I expect there's a
miners' strike in there,

or the speeches of Margaret Thatcher.

However, one of the reasons the
Mark I GTI was so much fun to drive

was because it was so light.

But the up!, being a modern car,

weighs a portly 200kg more.

So, with all that extra
weight to lug around,

is the new boy actually
any fun on the move?

Well, its modernity
does pay under the bonnet.

This has just a one-litre engine

with only three cylinders,

but it does have a turbo-charger

for a bit of extra oomph.

And it makes a fantastic growly noise.

Listen to this.

(ENGINE GROWLS)

You don't get that in a modern Golf GTI.

It's all smooth and asinine.

Now, that noise... There it is, there.

It's a bit of a cheat because there's
something called a sound actuator

under the bonnet,

and it artificially pumps
that growl into the cabin.

But so what?

It's very satisfying.

So, the engine's a bit of a hoot.

And, despite the extra weight,

the up!'s pretty nimble
through corners too.

Yeah, you see, small...

...chuckable...

...enjoyable.

It is proper fun.

Feels like I'm doing
hundreds of miles an hour.

You know what this is like? It's
a bit like an '80s action movie

where the same thing blows up ten times.

(EXPLOSIONS BOOM)

And it's that compared
with say, a CGI blockbuster

full of amazing effects.

One is a simple laugh,

the other is a bit too bloated

and, frankly, up its own arse.

But even though the up!
harks back to simpler times,

it still comes with climate control,

heated seats,

Bluetooth, a reversing camera

and, for when your
17-year-old borrows it,

traction control
that you can't turn off.

So it's quicker than it sounds.

It scampers around like a spaniel,

and it's got just enough kick
to make it comfortable.

But no more than that.

And it gives you all this
for about £14,000.

Or, to put it another way,

it's half the price of a new Golf GTI,

and, I honestly believe, twice the fun.

I might actually want one.

(CHEERING)

Nice little car. Nice little car.

- It is.
- So...

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

So that is... that is interesting.

What you're saying is

the up! GTI is half the price
of a modern Golf GTI

and more fun.

Yeah, and cheaper to run. And actually,
to be honest, it's more characterful.

So really the conclusion is

that to own a Golf GTI,
you'd have to be a moron.

To be honest, you'd have to be demented.

Shall we see how fast the up!
goes round the Eboladrome?

Oh, wait. You own a Golf GTI, don't you?

Yes, I do.

I knew somebody had one.

It's when you said a moron, that's
when it all clicked into place.

Anyway, the lap.

Right, let's see what you've got.

JEREMY: And she's off.

A murky day out there,

and I'm sure she'd rather be in a Golf.

Onto the Isn't Straight.

Actual standing water out there,

but she's showing no fear at all.

Smooth line through there.

Now trundling down
towards Your Name Here.

A Golf, of course,
would have arrived hours ago.

She still isn't there! Come on!

The little up-exclamation-mark
GTI dawdling through there.

Golf GTI has a clever diff,
of course. This doesn't.

And now back onto the Isn't.

Perfect line along there...

And down the gears now
for Old Lady's House.

Well, not yet but in a minute
she will be. Hang on.

Any minute now...

There she is, down through the gears.

Will it understeer through here?

No, cos of course you can't
turn off the traction control

whereas you can in a Golf GTI

cos it's a car for
brave and brilliant people.

Right, down the Bumpy Back
Straight to Substation.

It really is awful weather out there.

If she was in a Golf, it'd be sunny.

Uh... right, just the last
corner to crawl round.

There it is, and across the line.

(CHEERING)

Right, let's find out

where it goes on the board, shall we?

Let's have a look.

- Ha!
- (LAUGHTER)

Literally the slowest car in the world.

Yeah, but it was
chucking it down. Come on.

So you're saying if it had been dry

it would have challenged
the Aston Martin Vulcan?

- Yes, it would.
- Anyway, we must move it on

because it is time to play
Celebrity Face Off.

(CHEERING)

Thank you.

And once again we are
asking an important question,

and it's this.

Who is the fastest person in the world

who has a failed
former career in a band?

Well, to help us find out,
please welcome...

Dominic Cooper and Bill Bailey!

(CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

Twins!

They're literally twins.

- Hello.
- Welcome.

- Cheers, thank you.
- Have a seat.

- Welcome, gentlemen.
- Thank you.

Welcome, welcome. I have to tell you,

I had a great one last night, Dominic.

I actually met you in
a restaurant just last night.

No, no.

Exactly, that was the problem.

I was with a couple of
theatrical and film people.

I said you were coming on the show, and
they went, "He's on the next table."

So I went over and
actually said to this person,

"I hear you're coming on the show."

He went, "What are you talking about?"

(LAUGHTER)

You went over to someone that wasn't me,

persuaded by the people
you were with that it was me.

- Yes but it was incredible...
- Who was it?

He was a complete stranger.
He thinks Jeremy Clarkson...

Perhaps it was Danny Dyer.

- No.
- (LAUGHTER)

No, no, no, no, no.

That is not fair.

So I made a bit of a fool
of myself. Anyway, right...

Well, thank goodness you
hadn't done that before.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a new experience.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Phew.

That was a lucky escape.

Oh, dear.

Anyway, the link,
of course, between you two

is that you both had failed
careers in bands early on.

- Yes.
- I wouldn't say failed.

I don't... Fail, really?

- Well...
- Interesting, uh...

What's success, in terms of a band?

Well, OK, I think, were you not once,

the band outnumbered the audience?

- Every time we played.
- That's a failure.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Is it?

It is, I'd call that a failure.

Well, there was one
particular gig in Greenwich

where, yeah, there
was one audience member.

- One?
- Five band members,

- one audience member, yeah.
- Oh, that's tricky.

You... before you start with the...

What was your band called?

Well, the band
was called the Famous Five

and there was
actually four people in it.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And nobody had heard of us,

so it sort of didn't make any sense.

We... We did have a photo sh**t

and the drummer was quite a vain man,

and he decided what a
great idea it would be to...

if we all painted our little
fingers with black nail varnish,

because that looked cool, right?

Then we saw the photo sh**t

and it looks like we've all
trapped our hand in a door.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Just looks really stupid.

Now, I've got a question from Richard
Hammond... cos I was in a band.

We were talking
about this the other day.

James May was in a band,
He was in a band.

He still wears socks down the front
of his underpants to do the show.

RICHARD: Whoa! What?

He was wondering, did you ever put
anything down the front of your...

I did not ask that!

You did! You said, "Can you
ask them what they put..."

You've written that down yourself!

Well, I may have made it up a bit.

But you never went down that route?

- Yeah.
- No.

- You did?
- No. No, no, no, never. Did you?

Well, very recently, cos I
had to wear a lot of spandex

in the thing I'm filming at the moment,

all-in-one spandex... sort of...

- This is Mamma Mia 2.
- '70s ABBA suit, yeah.

So we were all discussing, it was quite a
logistical and quite problematic thing.

It makes you look like
you have absolutely

very little going on in that department.

So we had to decide whether,
and what we would use to...

- Right.
- Do you know what I mean?

What did you put down
the front of your trousers?

This is what Hammond was asking.

RICHARD: I wasn't asking,
just to be clear.

I tried two make-up sponges at first.

- Two make-up...
- (LAUGHTER)

Anyway, listen,
we've got to get on to cars.

- You're united, I think, by a love of French cars.
- Yes.

- Cos you have a Citroen DS.
- I do.

- Beautiful.
- Which is beautiful.

- Stunning car.
- It's the most beautiful car ever made.

- There...
- I agree.

And... it's a piece of work.

And why did you buy such a thing?

Why?

Well, because of the Icelandic volcano

with the unpronounceable name,

- Eyjally-jolly-joffakabl...
- (LAUGHTER)

...when it erupted and there was the
big ash cloud, we were trapped.

We were in southern Spain,
couldn't get home.

All the flights were cancelled.

The ferries were full.

We thought we'd get
the train back through France

but, of course, perfectly,

the French decided to have a rail strike

during the time of the greatest
travel upheaval in recent memory.

"Non, I don't care.
I don't care about you."

(LAUGHTER)

But there's no flights. "Non... uh."

So we...

(LAUGHTER)

I just... Just checking
my blood pressure.

- (LAUGHTER)
- So... So what happened was we thought:

let's just buy a car
and drive home in it.

And then I thought: well,
let's not just buy any car,

let's buy the car
I've always wanted to own.

So we found a little garage
just outside Marseille

and it was wrecks of every kind
of French car you could imagine,

but amongst them was this old black DS

and it was a
bit of a wreck, but it went.

- And it got you home.
- It got us home.

And then, over the last few years,

I've refurbed it into its former glory.

- Do you still drive it around today?
- I still drive it around today.

Now, you started on this Citroen thing.

Did you learn to drive in a 2CV?

Yes, I did, in a field.

The thing about the 2CV is
if you learn in one of those,

and I've often wondered that, when
you get into an actual proper car...

(LAUGHTER)

don't you think: well, I don't
know what anything does.

Cos the gear lever's all in a different
place and everything feels different.

Yeah, the gear's all backwards isn't it?

And it didn't help that my stepdad at
the time put the engine in backwards

so it had four reverse gears
and one forward.

That's what he did
at that particular point.

But they're so simple.

And the fan. They had those fan...

They... just had a fan, you just
opened... just a hole into the...

I loved the basic nature
of it, you know?

You could open it with
just a screwdriver, a coin.

I had a... I had a Citroen Dyane,

which, if you can believe it, is
the more basic version of the 2CV.

And I left it parked up
somewhere and I forgot my key.

And I thought: nah,
don't worry, I can break in.

So I broke into my own car
and I got into the back seat

and there was a child seat there,

and I thought:
I don't have a child. Oh, no.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, dear.

And uh...

But it's very easy to put back
together again, you know.

- For when the real owner comes back.
- Yes.

Cos your first car,
not French, was that...

- No.
- It was a Healey?

Austin Healey Sprite, yeah.

Oh, a Sprite, right, not a big Healey.

Not a 3000. It's tiny. I don't
know how I dared drive it.

Actually, it was my brother's,

and I needed to get
to Stratford to do a play

and I don't know why or how I had
the nerve. I wasn't insured.

The car had a hole about that
high above the petrol t*nk

so you could put 55p's worth of petrol
in it, which would get you there.

- Had no wipers - wipers on strings.
- Like an Uber driver.

And one headlight.

(LAUGHTER)

So what are you running now?

The Healey: the Healey around
London and an Audi RS7.

Hang on, so you
still have the Healey, and...

Yeah, I got another one.

From eBay. It works quite well.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's the only thing that's ever
turned up, that I bought on eBay.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And yeah, it's quite good.

Because it's interesting, you both
drive old cars, and why would you?

Because you are quite a speedy driver.

Oh, well, I like the speed.

I like to go fast.

How many points did you get
on your licence at one point?

Uh... Well, all of them.

You know, I had 12 points

and then I went over the 12 points

and I had to go on
a speed awareness course,

and I've done that three times now.

So I'm quite used to that.

- So you do get pulled a lot?
- Yes.

I was driving down to Devon

and I forgot to put my seatbelt.

My bad, terrible thing to do.

I'd just pulled out of the service
station, I hadn't had it on.

I was in the process of putting it on.

And anyway, so I got pulled
over and the copper,

he said, (NORTHERN ACCENT) "Right",
he goes, "Now." He was from up north.

He goes, "Very dangerous, what you
did there." I went, "Oh, yeah."

He said, "You know
the band Def Leppard?"

And I said, "Yeah, I know
the band Def Leppard".

He goes, "Yeah. You know the drummer?

You know, lost his arm?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

He was thrown from
the vehicle, lost his arm."

And I went, "Oh, right."

And he goes, "His girlfriend,
she was wearing a seatbelt.

k*lled instantly."

(LAUGHTER)

What was his point?

I don't know. It didn't back
up his story at all, did it?

(LAUGHTER)

Right, so anyway.

You came here, you did
all this, and... was it fun?

It was great fun, on the track.

I just loved it, loved
every second of it, yeah.

Trying to work out
whose lap shall we see first.

- We'll go... You're nearest.
- All right.

Shall we have a look at Bill's lap?

- AUDIENCE: Yes!
- Yeah.

- Let's see it.
- I'm very worried about this.

JEREMY: And away we go. It's
looking good today, the Jag.

- It is.
- Ha-ha.

Lovely lady of acceleration.

JEREMY: Few helmet issues
there, if I may be so bold.

- BILL: I know.
- JEREMY: Jimmy Carr once...

BILL: Looks like I've been punched...

- JEREMY: A fat kid stuck in a lift.
- (BILL LAUGHS)

That's a bit steady through
there, but I agree with that,

because otherwise it's a bit tricky
when you get onto the gravel.

BILL: Yes.

JEREMY: Holding it nicely together...
into Difficult Bit One.

BILL: Tricky bit there,
that was pretty good.

DOMINIC: You're so good at this!

Oh, horrible gravel, horrible gravel.

Horrible gravel.

JEREMY: In to the gravel.
Holding it nicely through.

- That's very well done, got to be honest, Bill.
- BILL: Not too bad.

JEREMY: No, right, now
into Difficult Bit Two.

BILL: This is tricky, this is tricky.

JEREMY: Oh, you're in the
thick gravel now, that's...

I was in the horrible,
nasty thick stuff there.

JEREMY: Slow you down. Now, coming
back on the track, very slippery here.

BILL: That's very slippery.

- BILL: Suddenly the...
- JEREMY: Oh!

BILL: Suddenly you just... There's
a bit of fishtailing because...

- JEREMY: That's all right.
- BILL: ...you're back on the tarmac.

JEREMY: Right, now we're
into the very fast bit now.

Very exciting.

(CHUCKLES MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: There's a man who
likes a bit of speed.

And... Oh, it's a couple
of lines chosen for there.

And another one there.

Coming up to the final corner.
Little bit of understeer,

but not like Casey the
Bear Man had the other day.

And there we are,
across the line, everybody.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Well done.

- Well done.
- I'm furious, furious.

Looked good.

That did look good. Now, Dominic, um...

You had a bit of a problem with...

- What's that?
- Well, with one of your practice laps.

Would anybody like to see?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

- Which bit?
- This bit.

Here he comes.

And onto the slippery bit.

Oh, oopsy-daisy.

DOMINIC: Yes, yes, yes.
Straight back on the track!

JEREMY: This is what I love,
keeping it going, yes!

(CHEERING)

That was very good.

Yeah. It was a bad moment.
That was a bad moment.

Eventually, you got a lap put together.

- Would you like to see it?
- ALL: Yes!

- Here we go.
- It's just not going to be as good.

It always seems to take
a while getting off the line.

I'm going to have to break
quite hard into this corner.

- Aargh!
- (LAUGHTER)

OK, now you've got to...
Hang on, let's listen.

Oh, feathering the throttle through
there. That's nicely done.

Holding it as we head toward the gravel.

Yeah, you can see it
starting to fishtail.

That is slightly bowel-loosening
when it does that.

DOMINIC: Yep.

Very wide through there, through the...
It looks like it's manure.

Come on, car!

- DOMINIC: Blaming the car.
- JEREMY: Cars respond when you shout at them.

It's what people don't
understand, but they do.

DOMINIC: It's such good
fun, that gravel bit.

JEREMY: That's tidy through there.

- JEREMY: Right, Difficult Bit Two.
- BILL: Tidy.

JEREMY: Sometimes tidy is fast.

Sometimes it isn't, I admit,
but it is... could be.

More fishtailing there. You've got
to try and get it right for this.

Can you do it properly this
time? Yeah, look at that!

DOMINIC: Now, this is
the corner, this is the one.

JEREMY: It's greasy.
Was it very slippery?

DOMINIC: It's hard coming out
of the gravel onto the tarmac.

Be confident! Keep going, keep going!

JEREMY: It is exciting
because you're supposed...

DOMINIC: As though I'm going to stop.

JEREMY: It's just... Ooh, there's another
one... Ooh, shall I turn? Ooh, maybe not.

There we go, coming up now
to the last corner.

You can lose so much time here, but
I don't think you are doing there.

And there we are,
across the line, everyone.

(CHEERING)

- Well done.
- Thank you.

- That is such fun.
- Oh, the best.

I've got the times here. (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh-ho-ho...

- Bill Bailey.
- Yes.

- It's a 1.25.1 is what it is.
- All right, then.

- Now, it's a good time.
- (APPLAUSE)

A greasy track out there.

- It was wet. It was wet.
- Greasy.

Yeah, no question. That's a greasy track
out there, and that's pretty good.

- Times we've been having, that's ballpark.
- OK.

They've been in the dry
so you can be proud.

Dominic Cooper.

(GASPS)

One...

twenty...

- 3.6.
- (APPLAUSE)

BILL: Well done.

- Congratulations.
- I thought I'd failed!

So there we are, ladies and gentlemen,

let's get this right, shall we?

It's Bill Bailey and the
fastest person with a beard

who went on into
either stand-up or acting

with a failed early career in a band,

- Dominic Cooper!
- Yay.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- Thank you, gentlemen.
- Very good.

Now, if you go on the Internet,

there's lots of films on there with
people skidding around in cars.

I've got an example here
of what I'm on about.

(TRAIN HORN)

(APPLAUSE)

Yes, yes.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking:
Oh, that's very impressive.

You're thinking that's
very impressive, but is it?

Well, yes, it is.

That's the thing. I don't think it is.
Anyone could do it.

- Well, no they couldn't.
- They could, seriously.

Because every time you make a mistake

you cut to a sh*t of the rev
counter, or changing gear.

Yeah? Or your face looking a bit heroic,

and then you get back
to the action again.

It's just editing.

I think it's a bit more
complicated than that.

No, it isn't, honestly. And
I decided to prove my point

by making a skidding-about
film of my own, OK?

- (LAUGHTER)
- No, it's really simple, OK?

You just need a pretentious
opening with some smoke

and then lots of sh*ts of me
looking heroic like that.

(LAUGHTER)

- Why are you doing that?
- So I look heroic, like that.

- Well, you don't.
- I do, and I will.

- This will be good.
- It is.

- I bet it isn't.
- It is.

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)

(ENGINE STARTS, REVS)

(BLEATING)

(DRONE OF ENGINE)

(HORN BLARES)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(HORNS BLARE AND BEEP)

(BLEATING)

(CHEERING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why have you stopped it?
Why did you stop it?

Because... Because it's rubbish.

It isn't rubbish. The ladies and gentlemen
were enjoying it. Were you enjoying that?

- ALL: Yes!
- Exactly. Why did you stop it?

Because the whole thing is fake.

What was faked in that?

All right, take that
rev counter sh*t for a start.

Pull it up, let's have a look.

OK, so you are doing 6750rpm
and no miles an hour.

(LAUGHTER)

Speedometer was broken.

- Was it?
- Yes, it was.

What about that bit where your feet
were dancing around on the pedals?

- You know, that bit.
- Skilful work.

- Really?
- Yeah, it was.

Would anybody like to see the
unedited footage of how he did that?

- ALL: Yes!
- Yes we would, we would yes.

- Is there a GoPro in here?
- Yeah.

So I can get my feet wiggling around
on the pedals and we can cut that in?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Heel and toe, heel and toe...

Shall we wobble the car a bit as well?

Yeah, rock it.

And then drop these in
just every so often.

Yeah.

Do the gear change as well.
We can paint the windows out.

Do we need to get
a rev counter sh*t, Phil?

We'll just... We'll just
stick a camera on here.

- Like that, on there.
- OK.

We can use that one from the footwell.

Yeah.

Got it?

Totally convincing. I'm keeping it
so that it looks like it's in gear,

you know, not just revving it:

(MIMICS ENGINE REVVING)

JEREMY: No, wait.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

And then... Then there was that bit

where you were doughnuting around
in the barn, remember that?

- Can we remember that?
- What about it?

Who would like to see
the rushes of that one?

- (CHEERING)
- Let's see what was on the cutting room floor.

What scene's this, scene four?

Scenes two to seven in-car.

So I just look heroic.

Yeah, but you've really got to throw
it in and give it a bit of oppo, yeah?

Yeah. I can do that.

20 years of practice.

Farmkana, the introduction. Take one.

Handbrake!

Had an accident.

Damn.

- (CLANG)
- Oh, sh*t.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

- I look pretty good.
- Nice one.

It... it didn't, it didn't
look good though, did it?

No, and on that terrible
disappointment...

No, no, no. No.

- No, no, no.
- We haven't got time for any more of your nonsense.

Oh, yes, we have, cos we
haven't got to that bit yet

where you slid through
the gate, remember?

- Oh, for God's sake!
- Who wants to see what happened there?

- Nobody does!
- The truth.

Speed.

Farmkana: The Gate. Take one.

Let's do this!

Oh, sh*t.

I may have clipped something there.

Damn. Sorry about that, Phil.

Well, from now on we just...

Why can't we sh**t everything
from the other side?

I can't do that cos the car's
turning around all the time.

I can't just film from one side. It's
going to look absolutely terrible.

But if you... You can barely see that.

Well, you can, look, it's...

Why don't we just mend the fence
and have another go at it?

The Gate. Take two.

Concentrating, concentrating.

And turn, and flick!

Oh, dearie me.

He's done it again. What a massive twat.

- You just can't do it.
- I can.

- You can't.
- Well, I clipped it once.

I'm getting better.

It's still not going through
smoothly, is it?

Could you just rebuild it
once more, honestly?

I think I know what the problem is.
My angle's too shallow.

So I'm going to come up this side
of the bog and swing it round.

The Gate. Take three.

PHIL: Action when you're ready.

Turn... yank, let go, power.

PHIL: Action when you're ready.

Right, here we go.

And handbrake! Oh, sh*t, that's
the bloody...

What happened was...
You won't believe this,

but I went for the handbrake,

but I changed into second by mistake.

- Properly wedged it in there.
- Yeah.

Well, at least we don't have
to reset the gatepost again.

Exactly. There, you see. That's the
sort of bright thinking I like.

That's not a good thing, though.

- What?
- Cos that's worse.

Phil, let's get the other guy
in the car.

Can somebody get Mark?

- Oh, don't show this.
- I should explain.

That is three-times British
Rally Champion Mark Higgins.

(LAUGHTER)

If you just drive through there about...

- I was doing about 85, 90.
- Right.

And I wasn't quite getting it.

So if you could just come
through there, sideways,

power up and power out.

Right.

Thing is, you'll have to wear that.

It's me - it's what
they use in Hollywood.

Yeah, but how can I see through them?

Yes, you do.
Just look through the slits.

Put it on, seriously, it works.

This is what they use. All
Hollywood stunt drivers use them

if they want to look...
Then you... and just...

It's like looking in a mirror.

- That is... Look.
- What?

Seriously, can you tell that
that's not... Look at this.

Identical. Now, put your helmet on.

- What, on top of this?
- Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE OVER DIALOGUE)

Shall we see what Mark looked
like with the helmet on?

- Yes.
- Shall we?

(LAUGHTER)

It's uncanny,
it really is, look at that.

What it is is wanton cruelty
on your part.

But anyway, listen.

I did use Mark
for that one scene, I admit.

Yeah, you did.

It's a shame you didn't use him for the
sheep-herding scene though, isn't it?

- Don't show that.
- (LAUGHTER)

No, no seriously, do not show that.

PHIL: Action, Jeremy, when you're ready.

So I've got to get these sheep

in that pen in the far corner,

in an exciting and exuberant...
YouTubey way. Here we go.

Speed and power, that's the solution.

(THUD)

Duh... uh, nothing!

- Right, just get these stragglers...
- (THUD)

- Don't go...
- (THUD)

- Come on!
- (THUD)

Oh, sh*t!

(SHEEP BLEATING)

I can't believe this.

Listen, you can either
round them up really slowly,

which is quite boring television,

or you can give it some of that.

And if you give it some of that,

which is exciting for
the ladies and gentlemen,

you're inevitably
going to hit some sheep.

You've done one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, 11 sheep.

And broken the windscreen.

I think the windscreen is the least of
our worries, to be honest with you.

Well, not really, not for continuity,

cos it's hard to cover that up.

This isn't how they do it
on the normal film.

Well, how do they do it?

- Well, he doesn't crash it every five minutes.
- I haven't crashed it.

You have crashed it,
and you've k*lled things now.

Well, a bit...

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- What? No.
- (APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Please, don't...
Don't clap. He's a m*rder*r.

They... they would have been
jumpers by now, or Sunday lunch.

It's not the end of the world.

No, all right, but the next
bit nearly was, wasn't it?

How the (BLEEP)... How am
I going to film with that?

JEREMY: Phil?

- (HORN BEEPS)
- Rolled it.

Just make it go the other way up,

whenever you've got a moment.

Now I know what it's like
to be Richard Hammond.

Thanks, chaps.

- We can edit that out.
- No, we can't. Look at it.

What? Look at what? The door...

This, look. I can't do
any of the drone sh*ts now.

This is all smashed to bits.
This is wrong.

- You're such a fusspot.
- Oil's come out of it.

Honestly. It still works well.

Pull that towards...

- Completely...
- You haven't asked about me.

You're fine, aren't you?
You've got your helmet on.

(LAUGHTER)

- No.
- They didn't care.

I was risking my life for the
ladies and gentlemen. Nobody cares.

- What?
- Right, all right.

Let's move on to the end of your film.

The big finale? Which was brilliant.

- Hmm, yeah. Well, it wasn't, was it?
- Yes, it was.

No, well, this is the bit,
ladies and gentlemen,

where Jeremy attempted
to jump over a river.

- I did jump over a river.
- No, you didn't.

- I did.
- No, you didn't, as we shall now prove.

d*ke Jump. Take one.

PHIL: Action, action.

JEREMY: Let's do this!

(ALARM WAILS)

(TOOTS HORN) Sorry!

PHIL: What a prick.

JEREMY: Erm...

(HORN BEEPS)

Really (BLEEP) it now.

Yeah, no, I think
that's pretty much had it.

- Look at it, look at it.
- I know!

- I've... We've...
- We haven't got an ending.

- You're supposed to go over.
- We'll just use another car.

- It's the big stunt.
- I've got a backup car.

We'll use that.

Is that it? Is that enough now?

- Nearly.
- No.

Right, hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- Let's move on, shall we...
- You're not still going on about...

No, I am, because
I think we would like to see

the grand finale of Jeremy's film

and his backup car, yes?

- ALL: Yes!
- Yes, right.

Oh, sh*t.

(SMASHING)

JAMES: No. No, I'm sorry.

Hold on.

Your backup car, it was an Audi.

OK, who here... Who here
noticed that was an Audi?

ALL: Yes!

Yeah, so everybody noticed
that because it was obvious.

I tell you what, why don't
you explain to everyone

how magicians cut
a lady in half in a box?

- I don't know how that's done.
- Exactly, cos it's magic!

People don't want to know how it's done.

And nobody wanted to know
how I had made my film.

And you told them, and now
you've spoiled everybody's year.

- Year?
- And on that terrible disappointment,

it is time to end this time.

Thank you so much for watching.

I'm sorry about these two.

See you next time. Goodbye.

(CHEERING)