02x09 - Breaking, badly

[bunniefuu]

-Hello.
-Hello, everybody!

Thank you so much.

-Thank you!
-Thank you.

Greetings!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

And welcome,
and thank you all

for braving these treacherous
conditions to get here.

It took me nearly nine
minutes this morning.

His slippers got all soggy
on the way.

I nearly fell over once,
but I made it.

Don't worry,

because we have an incredible
reward for you all.

Because, in this
action-packed show...

..James wears a red anorak...

..Richard looks at a pipe
of some sort...

..and I make a cup of tea.

It is non-stop action.

Non-stop. But...
but we begin with mankind.

-Wow! Big start!
-It is a big start.

You see, the thing is,
as a species,

we are very pleased
with ourselves,

because we have
the Porsche 918

and the Ferrari TheFerrari:

cars that can travel at
212mph, an incredible speed.

Whereas cows and ants and...

-What are you going on about?
-Well, think about it, OK.

A cow is exactly the same now

as it was
a million years ago.

Well, maybe a bit more
delicious now,

but basically the same.

It still stands around
all day long

in a field eating grass.

Whereas we think
that we've improved.

But have we?

-Yes.
-Yeah, we have.

Well, now, you say that,

but we were travelling
at way more than 212mph

in our cars 25 years ago.

This is
the Jaguar XJ220.

And with a top speed
of 217mph,

it was the fastest car
in the world.

For about five minutes.

And then this came along.

The 218mph
Bugatti EB 110 Super Sport.

Both these cars
were conceived in the '80s,

when Gordon Gekko
was running amok,

and the world
was awash with money.

But by the time they went
on sale in the early '90s...

An incredible day
on Wall Street.

The market has fallen
over 400 points.

...the stock market
had crashed.

There's only one word to
describe what's happening,

and that is "panic".

So, the only people
who might have bought them

were too busy hurling themselves
out of their office windows

on Wall Street.

So, these cars,
they came, they conquered,

and no-one noticed.

Today, though,
25 years later,

there are only three cars
in current production

that are faster than this.

However, while there is
a lot of performance,

the way it's delivered is...
quite old-fashioned.

You put your foot down,
and then you wait

while the turbo-chargers
spool up.

It takes quite a while,
cos there are four of them.

Talk among yourselves.

However, when the 3.5l V12

is finally getting
all the food it needs...

Oh, God!

..all hell breaks loose.

Oh!

Through the corner.

Mild terror.

The speed is hilarious!

And terrifying.

That's probably why
they fitted it

with this plastic sheeting
rather than carpets,

because they knew that one
day you would soil yourself.

You did have to be good

to get the best
out of this thing.

Which brings me on to
Michael Schumacher.

He could have had any car
he wanted back in the day,

but he had one of these.

Weirdly, however,

and mainly because
I think it looks better,

I'd have chosen the Jag.

It was supposed to have been
a four-wheel drive V12,

like the Bugatti,

but Jaguar found that
much too complicated.

So, they gave it
the turbo-charged V6

from a Metro rally car,

rear-wheel drive, the rear lights
from a Rover 200,

and then they said,
"That'll do,"

and went to the pub.

So, does that mean the Jag
is embarrassed by the Bugatti

in a drag race?

Right, before we do this,

I have to tape
the cassette player in place,

because the last time I did
a full-bore standing start

in an XJ220,

the acceleration
was so vivid,

the stereo sh*t out
of its slot in the dashboard,

ricocheted
off the gear lever,

and then speared
into my left plum.

It was very uncomfortable.

Oh, the end's come off.

That's good.
Right, window up.

Right, let's do this!

Don't know when
to change gear,

because the rev counter's
broken.

This is close.

Oh, my word! Ha!

Score one for the Jag!

Whoa! That was some speed!

After a quarter of a mile,

the badly-made Jag
was doing 135mph,

and a modern day Lamborghini
Huracan couldn't do that.

Which proves that in the last
25 years, we've come nowhere.

Except, we have.

You see, back in '92 and '93,

there was no Wi-Fi,
there was no PlayStation,

DVD hadn't been invented,

Justin Bieber
hadn't been born.

There was no Google,
Amazon was a river.

There was no
internet p*rn.

Well, that's probably
a good thing,

cos there was no Viagra,
either.

The early '90s
were the dark ages,

and when you drive
these cars, it shows.

In here,
there's no power-steering.

No air conditioning.

No anti-lock brakes.

And obviously,
no driver aids of any kind.

Got a 525bhp engine
back there.

Ooh, shi...

Being fed by a turbo-charger
the size of a wheelie bin.

And all there is in here
to tame it is me!

Ah!

Oh!

After a couple of laps
in this thing,

you really are aching.

And sweating.

And you're frightened.
You really are.

Cos this is not a car that's
just gonna forgive you.

If you overdo it,
you're gonna hit a tree,

and that's just an end of it.

So, there we are.

A modern supercar
may be no faster

than these monsters
from the past,

but a modern supercar
makes the speed fun and easy,

not terrifying and bathed in an unholy mix
of sweat and faeces.

Well done.

Covered it all there.

No, seriously, well done,

because nobody's ever
finished a road test

with the word "faeces"
before.

No, that was a first.

But I'm just thinking,

it isn't just supercars
that are getting slower,

because you remember
the Lotus Sunbeam?

-When was that, 1979, '78?
-Yeah.

That did 0-60 in 6.6 seconds,

and there aren't many
hot hatches

that would keep up with that,
even today.

And then you've got trains.
The Mallard, the steam train,

is quicker
than most electric trains.

SR-71 Blackbird, nothing
in the skies as fast as that.

I suppose, if you think about it,
we used to be able

to get across the Atlantic
in three hours,

-and now it takes us seven.
-Exactly.

And now we must put some
numbers on our argument

by sending the Bugatti
round the Eboladrome.

Come on, old-timer!

And she's off.

A smooth start.

Four-wheel drive system
maintaining traction

in these wet conditions.

It really is soaking
out there today!

Right, a measured line
through the first curve,

and then carefully
working the throttle

to keep things in check.

Approaching the sweep
down to Your Name Here,

and smoothly done.

Crikey! Managing to get
the tyres squealing,

even on this damp section.

And then winding up
the little V12

to fire it back
onto the Isn't.

Single wiper
batting away the drizzle,

as she hustles it
towards the braking zone

for the tricky
Old Lady's House complex.

How will it get on here?

Very neat.

Very controlled.

And now back on the gas
for the run to Substation.

And you can hear the fizz

from those four
furiously spinning turbos.

Keeping it together there
nicely.

Field Of Sheep to go.

Glides through there,
and across the line.

So, let's see where
it goes on the board.

I'm imagining pretty high up.

Oh.

-That's not very fast.
-No, it isn't very fast.

But we put the Jag round,
as well,

and that did it in...

Hang on, I've got the time here.
Just bear with me.

..one thirty-five one.

So...
slower than the Bugatti?

Yes.

Slower, in fact,
than everything

except a small, cheap
Volkswagen hatchback,

which also went round
in the soaking wet.

Yes.

So, contrary to what
you were saying earlier on,

supercars have got
much faster

over the last 25 years.

Yes.

Right! Moving on!

Because now it's time

to order
some doughnuts of debate

from the Chat Café,
on Conversation Street.

-I was terrified.
-Yeah.

Right, good. Now...

-..you know the BMW Z4?
-Yes.

The only car, incidentally,

designed on the interior
and the exterior by women.

-OK?
-It was.

Well, they're dropping it,
and replacing it with this.

This has been designed
by a man, so...

Mm-hm. And where are you
going with this one, Jeremy?

So, it won't be able
to take its jumper off

by folding its arms.

-What?
-What are you on about?

Men can't take their jumpers
off like women do,

-crossing their arms.
-I can do that!

-You're not a man.
-Oh, right.

I take my jumper...

That's how you take
a jumper off, like that.

How do you know?

You just wait for the
paramedics to come along,

cut it off
after your accident.

Yes, but that's how
you take a jumper off.

-I don't know what you're talking about.
-Take your jumper off.

Just take your jumper off. Watch this.
How does he take it off?

Er, like this.

There, you see?
Like a man.

Are there any women
wanna take...

Oh, no, we can't do that.

Seriously, women, do you know
what I'm on about?

Yes.

Women cross...

If I tried to do that,
I'd dislocate my shoulder!

Thank you for that nonsense,
Jeremy.

Can we maybe get back to
the BMW now, which is a car?

Yes, it is.
Now, I have to say,

the old one was never
as good to drive

-as it was to look at.
-I know what you mean.

It wasn't. It was sort of
baggy, wasn't it?

Yeah, and there was never
an M version.

You know,
it was all just unexciting.

But I'm hoping this new one

is as good to drive
as it looks,

and it does look very good,

even though it will
struggle with its jumper.

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, if I was looking
for a new BMW Z4,

actually, I'd have
one of these,

because this is
the new Toyota Supra.

I know, it looks phenomenal!

And that underneath
is basically a Z4.

-Same engine and everything.
-Same chassis.

It is a Z4,
but with that body.

And that body,
I have to say, looks amazing.

And do you know
the most amazing thing is,

they're talking about a price
between 40,000 and 60,000,

which is much less
than it looks like.

See, I think that is actually
filling a gap in the market.

There is a need right now
for a mid-price sportscar,

because there really
aren't many, if any.

There's the Audi TT RS.

Well, that'll definitely
take its jumper off like that, won't it?

And then stow it
in the overhead lockers,

tell you where the doors are.

Now, Volkswagen's
US Head of Regulation -

that was his job title -
a guy called Oliver Schmidt.

He's just been done
for his part in Dieselgate.

And they've given him
seven years in jail.

Or, as he would put it,
4.2 years.

And a fine of £400,000,

or whatever that translates
into VW money.

Two hundred
and seventy thousand.

The fascinating thing
is, there was

a warrant out for his arrest in America,

but he was in Germany.

And then, for some reason,

he decided to take his
annual holiday in Florida,

and got arrested
at the airport.

"Oh, nein!"

-Why did he do that?
-Because he's a moron?

-Oh, yeah.
-Well, he must be!

He must be!
The only thing I can think of

is that Volkswagen needed
someone to do some jail time

-for what had happened.
-And he volunteered to do it?

No, I reckon
they probably said,

"You are ze employee
of ze month, Mr Schmidt,

and you have won
a fortnight's holiday

in Disney World!"

-"Ah, danke!"
-And off he toddled.

"Oh, no,
they have arrested me!"

That's actually a seven-year
holiday, Mr Schmidt,

and the catering is terrible.

Now, do you remember
the Rimac we had

in programme one
of this season?

- There it is.
- Yeah.

Well, they've announced there is
a new one coming out.

Well, what happened
to that one?

No, that was called
the Concept One.

Mm-hm.

And they only made eight of those,
actually.

-How many are left?
-Seven. Shut up!

What happened
to the other one, Hammond?

Just stop saying things!

The new one is gonna be
called the Concept Two,

and amazingly they're saying
it's gonna be even faster,

and that was blindingly fast.

I actually don't believe
that you can make a car go...

Well, they say
it's gonna be faster,

and it's a bit bigger inside.

Which you did need, cos
that one was quite cramped.

-You can fit in this one.
-I could fit in the last one.

You'd be less like Spam,
though,

if you rolled it
over and over and over.

It should be more dangerous,
you're right.

We've actually got a picture
of the new Concept Two.

Here it is, Hammond.
You'll like this.

- Oh, God.

Ooh, now,
there's a new McLaren, OK?

I've got a picture
of it here.

This is staggering. OK?
I've got some of the details.

It's their new flagship,
kinda replaces the P1.

Super hard-core. 789 horsepower mentalist
that thing.

And they've called it...
And this is a tremendous name, I think.

- They've called it the Senna.
- Ooh, cool.

I mean, that is a really
cool name for a car like that.

I'm glad they didn't
call it the Mansell.

-No, less cool.
-With its droning engine note.

And it would have a stupid moustache
above its number place.

And if it were a convertible, a tweed roof.

McLaren Hunt could work,
cos he was quite cool.

A terrible thirst, though,
it would have.

Yeah, a lot of smoke
coming out.

Every now and again it would
try and mount another car.

But it'd be cool.

On balance, I think Senna's
probably the best name

they could have come up with.

Right. Now, what else?
What more conversation have we got?

-I have some conversation.
-You have some conversation?

You know last week,
you were talking about

how you ended up
following a pigeon?

-How fast did you reckon it was going?
-Thirty-five?

Thirty-five,
I think you said.

The other day, I was going
down a country lane

and I ended up following
a blackbird,

and that only does 28.

And that's interesting, cos
that means a blackbird,

in level flight,

is slower than a pigeon.

What is wrong with you two?

Why are you following birds?

Why not follow Russian spies
or straying husbands?

No, listen, Hammond.
Pay attention.

- Oh, God.
- I did some research on this.

You know
the top speed of a pigeon,

if it really puts
its foot down, is 90,

in level flight.

-Ninety miles an hour!
-Ninety? That is amazing,

cos you wouldn't think a pigeon's wings
could shift enough air.

-No, I wouldn't think about it!
-No, no, stop!

A hummingbird
can fly faster than a goose.

- Can it?
- Even though it's like that.

-Nobody cares!
-They do!

Stop ranking birds!

What?

R-r-r-ranking.

Anyway, I think that
the top speed of birds is a new hit show.

And you and I can host it,

and you'll end up as Buttons
in panto in Swindon.

And then
you'll sh**t yourself

in a room
in a Premier Inn one night.

-Yeah.
-There'll only be one police car outside,

and it'll be
a Vauxhall Astra.

That's your future!

Anyway, that is enough Conversation Street
this week, so let's move it on.

Thank you very much.

Now...
Now, as I'm sure you know,

trying to set a speed record
is very, very dangerous,

and especially if you try
to do it on water.

In fact, over the years,
and this is a true fact,

85% of everyone

who's tried to break
a speed record on water

has been k*lled
in the process.

-Eighty-five percent!
-Yeah.

But that's not the sort
of figure that puts us off!

Exactly. Because there was
a 15% chance of surviving it,

we decided to try and break
the UK speed record

for amphibious vehicles.

Yeah, first, though,
we had to build a car

that could be driven legally
on the road,

but that would also go
very quickly on the water.

Mm. And how hard can that be?

Since we were trying to break

an amphibious
speed record,

the obvious
starting point...was here.

At Huddersfield
International Airport.

Why are we at Huddersfield
International Airport?

Yeah,
why aren't we at a lake?

Because I'm project leader,

and one of the many, many
things that I know

is that to go fast on water,

you have to have
a lot of power.

To demonstrate
what I was on about,

I'd set up a test,

using the jet engine
from an RAF Nimrod.

-Did you build all this?
-Yes.

- Can I just ask...
- What?

...what is the current speed record
for amphibious vehicles?

Thirty-nine point one
miles an hour.

Well, isn't this
rather overkill?

Listen, Usain Bolt can run
at 27mph on land, OK?

If he were waist-deep
in water,

he'd have a top speed
of about one.

Water's really sticky,
you need loads of power.

I've got a word in my head for all this,
and it's "impractical".

I've got a word,
it's "shut up".

-All right.
-We're going.

-Is it loud?
-Very.

That's fired up.

That's gonna drive air
into the big engine.

We've gotta get those in the green.

I hate it
when you've got buttons.

I can't hear anything.

Ignitors on.

I'm gonna give it
some thrust now.

Gonna go up to 100% power.

You are a witless dodo!

Look at it!

Ah!

On the upside -
there is an upside here -

if it's capable
of doing that,

imagine how fast
we're gonna go on the lake.

-You're a cretin.
-Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

None of this is based
on any scientific reasoning whatsoever.

You say,
"It's got a lot of power."

"How much thrust has it got?"
"A lot!"

Look what it's done,
it's blown two aeroplanes over

and given us
a massive bill...

Having proved
to my sceptical colleagues

that jet power
was the way forward,

we moved
to our technology centre.

Here, we would fuse together
this Russian jet...

..this speedboat...

..and this Suzuki Jimny,

and we'd end up with the
fastest amphibious vehicle

Britain had ever seen.

- We have an old Suzuki car.
- Yes.

A small, old, plastic boat
and a jet engine.

And you're suggesting that
somehow we unite them all

into some sort of symphony
of success and glory?

Yes.

This is the stupidest thing
I've ever been involved with.

It's idiotic.

Having convinced
my sceptical colleagues once more

that my plan was a good one,
we set to work.

And soon, our amazing
creation was ready.

Right, as you can see,
everyone,

this is fully road legal.

Lights, indicators,
number plate.

And a massive jet engine
just behind us.

Yes.

More of an issue, though,

was the passenger's
seat layout.

I've gotta change gear,

and it's right where
your penis is.

I never want your hand that
near my gentleman's sausage!

What are these things
above our heads exactly?

These are the
stabilisation tanks, yeah?

When we go in the water, you lower
them down and they keep us afloat.

I've got that. I've got that
when we fitted them,

but what
we're now discovering

is they make us more stable
on water,

but a lot less on land!

James,
why are you being so quiet?

I'm waiting for it
to fall over.

Whoa!

Will you stop making
stupid, childish noises!

I think we've done
an incredible job,

and I think I've been
a remarkable project leader.

Why has no-one
thought to do this before?

It's so logical
when you look at it.

The car bit of it's working,
but it was already a car.

That's not much
of an achievement.

I'm gonna do a brake test.

Ah! Oh! Oh.

-What?
-Wait.

Is that that...

-Ooh!
-Oh!

Yeah.

Eventually,
we arrived at the lake.

For our first
high-speed test run.

And immediately,
Hammond chickened out.

Why aren't you wearing
a fire suit?

Um, jet engines
just aren't my thing.

I'm gonna watch this
from the bank.

Are you really
not coming in it?

No, I'm gonna watch--
I'm gonna be the observer.

Oof!

Oh. She's ready.

My big fear is,
let's be modest

and let's say we reached 80.

So from here, we've got to
just use drag to slow us down

before we hit the far bank.

Well,
we have to think ahead, yes.

Start decelerating
when you pass that mid-point,

- you should be all right.
- I think he's right.

The middle
is the critical point.

Then just back off
the throttles.

And then we'll use the drag of
the pontoons to slow us down?

Yeah.

OK.

Right.

Soon, James and I
were ready for the test,

and not at all nervous.

When we fire up the jet,
this Perspex that I put in here,

I put it in.

So what if that just goes?

You shouldn't have said that.

You know in Die Hard 2 ,

when the enormous soldier
is sucked into the engine?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's like that.

It will be like that,
won't it?

Ready?

We are going in.

Oh, I feel buoyancy.

I am proud
of my two colleagues.

This is...this is historic.

We are now
gonna fire up the jet engine.

Right. Put your thing on,
it's gonna be bloody loud.

-What thing?
-These things.

That's a good point.

-Right.
-Comms check, comms check.

Dials are engaged.

This is the speedometer.

OK, we've got ignitor on,
bilge pump off,

throttle set at idle.

-Go.
-Starting jet.

Holy sh*t!

It's going...
Don't look at it!

Don't look
in the rear-view mirror.

Oh, this is phenomenal!

Taking up the power now.
Fifty percent.

Is that 50%?

Yeah, that's about 50,
but 70 is 100.

What do you mean,
"70 is 100"?

I couldn't find a dial that
exactly matched the revs,

so 70 on here is 100% thrust.

I'm going full power.
Here we go.

Hold tight. You wanna hold
on to something, seriously.

Right, go.

That's 100% thrust.

Right, well,
we're doing 2mph.

Come on!

We're doing three!

Why is it so slow?

I mean, that jet
is from a Russian fighter!

That is capable of keeping
a Russian fighter in the air.

Why won't it make us
go more than three?

In the air,
that's the point - the air!

Hammond is keeping up
with us.

That's it?

Come on!

-Can I just say something?
-We're sinking.

No, my half is sinking.

Oh, God! We really do need...
I'm gonna go in to shore.

I don't think they needed
the neck braces in the end.

And throttle back.

-Speed?
-Three.

- Three?
- Yeah, it does three.

That's your top speed,
it's three?

You could row at 3mph.

On the upside,
and there is one,

neither of us were k*lled.

And that's an upside?

No, the issue at hand is...

- It doesn't work.
- Yes.

Why doesn't it work?

Well, it's mainly to do with
the shape of the car,

the shape of the sawn-up bits
of tatty old boat

that you've Blu-Tacked to it.

The drag of the pontoons,

the size and power
and position of the engine,

the amount of fuel
it will run,

the basic physics.

The fact that water is
750 times as dense as air...

It was time to go back
to the drawing board.

And this time, we gave Jeremy
a job he could actually do.

Now, this is the car that
currently holds the record

for amphibious vehicles.

It's the Gibbs Humdinga,

and, as you can see,
it is not an ancient Suzuki

with an old Russian
jet engine on the back.

No, it's a light, plastic car
with a hull,

and, as you can see,
retractable wheels.

Exactly. And that's why
we have chosen,

as the basis for our project,
this.

Which is a Reliant Robin
in a 1970s leisure suit.

No, it is a Bond Bug:

one of the coolest cars
from the '70s.

And I can see why you chose
this particular one, Hammond.

It's got your name on it.

Shut up. The only reason these
things never really caught on

was because nobody thought
of making them amphibious.

Yes, but we have, you see.

So we're gonna fit it
with retractable wheels, same as the Gibbs,

and we're gonna use the
engine from one of these.

- A jet engine.
- Yes. Sort of, but different.

It's my idea.

The jet engine
was not your idea.

No, the jet engine
isn't my idea,

but the idea of making
an amphibious car

using a jet engine
was my idea.

This is a water jet,
it's different.

And anyway, this is genius,

because you can rent
one of these

from pretty much
any beach in the world,

that will do 50mph
out of the box.

-This one will do 67.
-It will. Exactly.

Well, that's plenty.

So, all we've gotta do
is incorporate this

into the roadworthy shell
of the Bond Bug,

and we've got a very fast car
and a very fast boat in the same thing.

Which is exactly
what I was doing.

At this point,
we sent Jeremy home

and set to work
on building our masterpiece.

I don't know
why you're applauding.

They know nothing
about boats.

Absolutely nothing.

Old planes? Yes.
Helicopters? Yes.

Old motorcycles? A lot.
But boats? Nothing!

But, we shall see what
they came up with later on.

Now, though, it is time
for Celebrity Face-Off.

It's a simple question
this week.

Who is the world's
fastest magician?

To find out, would you please
welcome Dynamo,

and Penn and
his silent partner, Teller.

Amazing!

I'm already amazed!

I've gotta be honest, magic
is my favourite thing in the entire world.

Apart from boating
in the south of France.

But we must begin with cars,
obviously.

This being a car show,
occasionally.

You both started with 4x4s,
as far as I can work out,

or they have featured
in your life.

You are a G-Wagen man, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

So, at the beginning, when my
TV show got a bit of success,

Mercedes came and they
would give me cars to drive.

But then,
I did a commercial with Fiat,

and Mercedes weren't
too happy about that.

I used some of the money
from Fiat to...

I still love the G-Wagen,
so I bought one.

So, you used Fiat money
to buy a Mercedes?

Yeah.

That is quite good. But
you had a Ford Bronco.

But only because
I watched OJ do the...

And I said, "He's kind of a big guy.

Maybe I'd fit in that car."

And I got the whole thing,
and it was all too masculine,

so I painted it stripper pink
for Vegas.

When you're driving to work,
do they think you're a stripper?

I hope so.

Didn't you have a Ford Falcon
at some stage?

Well, when I was
in high school...

I'm from a rural area.

..my mother gave me her car,
which was a Ford Falcon.

But for me, that was just a place
to have sex in high school.

And then
you started touring together.

Mm-hm.

So you presumably needed
some kind of tour...

You know, we're carny trash.

We did carnivals and outdoor
shows and all of that.

We're the worst
kind of people.

And we had to drive all over
the United States of America.

So, we went
to an auction place

and bought a Datsun 210
station wagon,

with the back seat down,
and then our trunks

in there with all our stuff.

We were so terrified
of having our props stolen,

that we had a magnetic sign
we put on the side

that said, "Atlanta Centre
for Disease Control

Specimen Transfer Unit."

We put that on the side, with
the big boxes in the back,

and that worked really well,

until the sign was stolen.

I wanna talk about cars,

but who would rather here
see some magic?

Yes!

I know
we're supposed to do cars.

Would you mind awfully
if you now do some?

Have you actually--
You've brought something with you?

I'm gonna try something
with you.

Just hold your hands out
for me.

-What, both?
-Both, like this.

-Like that?
-A little bit wider.

Are you left or right-handed?

Right-handed. Unless
we're talking about sh**ting.

-Close it in a fist.
-Like that? That one?

Yeah, then turn
this left one over.

I'm gonna put a little cross
right there.

Can you show that
to everyone?

-Show the cross to everybody.
-I've got a cross there.

Let's have a look.

So, make sure it's dry.

It's Sharpie,
so it shouldn't come off.

Yeah, it's still there.

The idea...

..is to make it...

..disappear from there...

If it's in this hand now,
I'm going to be...

*BLEEP* sake!

How is that?

Go on, do another one. Who'd
like to see another one?

Yes!

-Come on, what have you got?
-Have you got a piece of paper there?

Er, yes.

I've got a pen here.

I'm just gonna just do
some markings for you.

We'll start here.

Take the pen.

-Take the pen.
-Yeah.

Give me a number
from, say, one to ten.

Nine.

Nine. Write it down.

- Nine.
- Great.

We'll go for, let's see,

the lady right there
with the glasses.

Yeah. I need another number,
from 9 to 19.

Er, 11.

-Eleven.
-I think it was a man.

That's a bit embarrassing.

We may be
in a world of trouble here.

Let's move it on, quickly!

Yes.

-Richard!
-Yes?

A number from 11 to 21.

Nineteen.

-Are you sure?
-Yes.

-Nineteen, write it down.
-There, yeah?

Perfect. Yes

Uh, we'll go for this guy
here in the blue jacket.

-How you doing?
-Actually, that's a woman.

It's so hard to tell.

A number from 19 to 29,
please.

27.

Twenty-seven,
write that down.

Gilles Villeneuve's
old number.

We'll go for this gentleman
right here with a white t-shirt.

-The gender-fluid gentleman.
-Yes. Yes!

A number
from 27 to 37.

Thirty-three.

Thirty-three,
write that down.

Finally, the lady at the end
with the long hair.

Can we have a number
between 33 and 49?

- Forty-two.
- Forty-two.

So, nine, 11, 19,
27, 33 and 42.

These are the numbers
we randomly generated today.

A couple of years ago,

I picked six numbers myself.

They're like
my lucky numbers,

and I went to a shop and
I bought a lottery ticket.

And I won.

Only a tenner, but, you know,
I won something.

And I actually keep
that ticket in my wallet.

-There we go.
-No, no, no. No!

Keep it in my wallet
for good luck.

Where's the camera?

Can you see that?

There's one ticket there.

This is a lottery ticket?

I think you'll find the
numbers quite interesting,

if you wanna read them
out loud.

So, you...

I'll need my glasses
on a lottery ticket.

So, let's just...

-What was the first number?
-Nine.

Nine, right there.

-Eleven.
-Eleven.

-Nineteen.
-Nineteen for Richard.

- Twenty-seven.
- Twenty-seven.

- Thirty-three.
- Thirty-three.

- The last one?
- Forty-two.

That's actually a lottery
ticket. It is a lott...

I'm...
Well, I'm staggered.

But anyway, look,
we haven't finished yet.

Shall we see
what the Americans can do?

Yes!

-Come on, you two, let's have a look.
What have you got?

Well, you know,
I was asking Dynamo,

you're a member
of the Magic Circle, right?

- Yeah.
- We are not.

Teller and I
have a reputation,

not ill-deserved, for
giving away magic secrets.

You do. You always say
how your tricks work.

We have done that, so they
will not let us be members.

So that got us thinking.

Could we do a trick that
would fool the Magic Circle,

while giving away...

..all the very principles
we've given away?

And the first thing we gave
away, in 1985, way back then,

we're on
the David Letterman programme,

and gave away the idea
of fake blindfolds

that are used by magicians.

We said, "Every blindfold used by
a magician is fake," which we've stood by.

We're gonna have a blindfold
that can't be faked, which is-- Dynamo.

Teller's gonna stand up here,

and, Dynamo, just make sure
that Teller can't see.

Come over there and
just make sure that Teller...

Not permanently, but just for now.

Just put your hands right over
his eyes there so he can't see.

No need to be gentle,
it's not me.

Cool, cool.

All you've gotta do is
make sure he can't see.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Now, we've been accused

of giving away the idea
of marked cards.

Marked cards
are very hard to...

Even professional gamblers

sometimes can't determine
if they're marked.

But Dynamo's gonna
make sure they're not marked.

The cards will be dealt face-down
in Teller's right hand.

If the cards were marked,
which they're not,

Teller would have to see,

and Dynamo's
making sure he can't see.

-He can't see.
-The other thing we gave away

was on the Johnny Carson
programme.

We gave away
the idea of a card force:

that it's easy to do a trick

if you know in advance
what card's gonna be picked.

And one of the ways you can
do a force like that, Jeremy,

is to have all the cards
be the same.

- Yeah.
- Then just have a card selected,

where you know what's
it's gonna be.

-Stand up for a second, Jeremy.
-Yeah, I can become vertical.

I want you to make sure
you look over these,

and make sure
they are not all the same.

-I'll try to fan them all out.
-No, that's a pack of cards.

Yeah, it's a pack of cards.

Now, another way
you can do a card force

is you can use
sleight of hand

to force the bottom card
or the top card,

or even a card in the middle.

I'm gonna eliminate sleight
of hand by using your hands.

OK?

So, I'm gonna give you
most of the deck right there.

And I'm gonna...

Just fan them out like this.
Fan them out.

Don't let me see,
but just think of one.

Don't even point to it,
don't cut to it.

Just look over all the cards.
You have most of the deck.

And then just think
of one card.

Don't look at it,
just think of it.

Then close them up so I can't
see what you're doing.

And then give those cards
a good shuffle.

Or give them
that kind of shuffle.

Good. That's good.

But face-down so I can't tell
what you're shuffling.

-So you've thought of one card?
-Mm-hm.

You have no idea where it is in the deck?
Is that right?

No. No.

Now, magicians often
want you to misremember

the sequence of events.

We want you to very much
remember the sequence.

The card is only
in your head, is that right?

-Yeah.
-It's nowhere else?

Nowhere else.

The cards are all mixed up,
you have no idea where it is.

Now, I'm gonna put these
in your hand.

Now, the order of these will
not change. It will not change.

I'm not gonna
touch them again.

I will no touch them again,
OK?

Now that my hands are off,
and I won't touch them again,

what was the name
of the card?

-King of Hearts.
-OK.

Now, you're gonna go over
there and you're gonna

deal the cards, one
at a time,

from the top, face-down,
to Teller's right hand, OK?

-Into his hand?
-Into his right hand.

Face-down?
- Yeah.

Dynamo, make sure
he can't see.

He can't see nothing.

See, we are just being
whipping boys again, Dynamo,

us English.

OK, Dynamo, was he able
to see, even for a moment?

Nothing.

-Jeremy, what was the name of your card?
-King of Hearts.

Look at the next card.

-Oh, for Christ's sake.
-Thought of card out of a shuffled deck.

Well...

You came here, of course,
to do your laps.

And, as we can see,
in the rapidly fading light,

the weather
has not been clement.

In fact, when we arrived
at the track this morning,

it looked like this.

And then...
You can see the problem.

That bit, you can sort of see
where the track goes.

But if we've got another sh*t-- I think
we've got a moving sh*t.

Now, somewhere in there
is a racetrack.

Which makes it quite tricky,
I should imagine,

to see where you were going.

-You did it first, didn't you?
-Yeah.

And there was a particularly
fine moment, I have to say, on the...

It's supposed to be
a flat-out corner when it's dry,

but it really wasn't.

The weather was improving,
it was thawing.

And it all went, really,
brilliantly wrong.

Who'd like to see Dynamo
going round in a few circles?

- Yeah, we all wanna see that?
- Yes!

Let's have a look at this.

This is a flat-out corner,

and then
you just can see it's going,

and then...

That's a properly big
slide-off, that one is.

Round of applause for that,
though.

We like that.

-Was that scary?
-No, it was well fun!

I was like, "I could have
done this all day,

it's so much fun."

Who'd like to see the lap
that eventually resulted?

- Yes!
- Let's have a look.

Dynamo's lap, here it comes.

Thawed out.

A nice, smooth, quiet start.
And he's away.

Right, let's do this!

OK, that's...

Ooh, that's quick through...

Oh! Yes, that's cutting
that corner, but nicely done.

Nicely held.

And now we go on to what
is normally gravel, but...

What does it look like now?
It's just mud and slush.

God, that looks tricky!

But you're keeping it...

Ooh, a bit wide through
there, but not bad at all.

Again, not bad.

Not fast, but...

I don't think I'm on
the track any more, guys.

No, it's still brown...

No, that is a James May
cornering speed through that one.

Is the car putting
traction down all right?

No,
it was all over the place!

No, that's nice.

Yeah, splashing through
the last bit.

Difficult Bit 2
as we call it.

It's driving on water,
this is.

It is, yeah.
It's almost Jesus-esque.

And then now we get
back onto the tarmac.

Ooh, I say, that was tonnes
of front-end grip there

all of a sudden.

And look at the way
the front's turning in.

That's unbelievable!

Now, we go onto the
really fast bit, ordinarily.

Come on, then. Here we go.

This is where
you lost it in the practice.

But you haven't lost it
this time.

That front is suddenly
sticking really well!

Coming up to the last corner.

And a little bit of
understeer through there, but nicely tamed.

And there we are,
across the line, everybody!

Nicely done. Not easy.

Not easy.

Now then, after you'd had
a go, it was your turn.

-Yes.
-Did you enjoy yourself?

I had a very good time, yeah.

And I had Teller as a passenger,
which was helpful.

Oh, that would help!
Balance it out nicely.

Sure.

You also had a moment,
shall we say.

I did. I did, yeah.

Would anybody like to see
this moment?

- Yes!
- Let's have a look.

This is quick
coming into the last corner.

That's understeer.

Oh, somebody's been off there
already,

you can see the tyre marks,
but not as far you went.

That is impressive.

That's the furthest anybody's
been off that track,

by a long way.

You're definitely winning that, so far.
Definitely.

Furthest off the track,
I got that.

But then you got a lap
together, both of you.

I did.

Let's have a look
at this lap.

Yeah, another nice,
tidy start.

Roaring off
down to the first corner.

So, we're going, Teller.
Can you feel that?

It's not at all
scary in there.

Right, that's tidily done
through there,

keeping it really
on the island,

unlike Dynamo,
who was a bit mad.

And onto the gravel.

Well, the mud.
Well, the slush.

Whatever you wanna call it.

Ahhh!

I'm going quickly there.

Oh-hoo-hoo!

- That was well held there.
- Thank you.

That's nice driving.

I'm under control.
Shut up, Teller! I got it!

Is he putting you off?

Now, this is...

Sometimes, when it appears
to be slow, it's fast,

and sometimes, when
it looks fast, it's slow.

This is looking fast,
I'm gonna be honest,

but there's a lot
of sideways action,

which, of course,
isn't forward motion,

-which is a problem.
-But it looks really good.

It looks tremendous.
This is great television.

And you can hear the bark
of the two-litre there

as you hit the straight.

-We're going!
-Ahh!

-Now! Boom!
-Oh!

And coming up to the...

This is the corner -
not this one, but the next one,

that caught you out
practising.

Ooh, you're trying to get
a Scandi flick going there,

but a bit too soon.

Understeer again,

but you've held it this time.

And there we are, yeah,
across the line, everybody!

Right, I have the times here.

OK.

We'll start with you, Dynamo.

One thirty-nine point three.

-That's all right
-That's really slow.

But you've got
the snow symbol.

So far, you're
the fastest person ever

to go round our track
in the snow.

But are you faster
than Penn and Teller?

There's actually
excitement here, isn't there?

- Yeah.
- There's nervousness.

You did it in one...

..thirty...

..three point eight.

Bad boy.

Commiserations.
Commiserations.

Congratulations, gentlemen.
Congratulations.

That was fantastic!

And thank you so much,
all of you,

for coming along
and doing all this magic.

But we must now say goodbye
to Dynamo

and the world's fastest
magicians, Penn and Teller!

World's fastest magicians!

Now, tonight,
we are attempting to break

the British water speed
record for amphibious cars.

Now, earlier on, Jeremy
had a go at making something,

and his effort
was, frankly, terrible.

- No, it wasn't.
- It was.

Yeah, so, Hammond and I
took control of the project,

and what we decided to do
was take a 1970s three-wheeler

with a removable roof,
called a Bond Bug...

Here's a picture of it.

..and mate that
with a jet ski,

to create something that we
had christened the Pond Bug.

And then,
when it was finished,

take it to the Lake District,

and something called
Coniston Speed Week.

Over the decades,
many fearless daredevils

have powered across this
five-mile stretch of water,

in the pursuit
of new records.

One was the legendary
Donald Campbell.

Who was k*lled here in 1967,

whilst trying to break
the 300mph barrier.

Today, in Speed Week, that
spirit of adventure lives on,

as people
from all over the world

come to push their boats,
their engines,

and themselves
to the absolute limit.

This was speed heaven,

and I felt sure
our fully road legal Pond Bug

would blend in perfectly.

Morning!

Look at all this!

Having parked up, I went off
to find Hammond and Clarkson,

who reckoned he'd come up
with something better.

- Are you ready?

You're gonna not
believe this.

OK.

Behold my genius!

Oh, hello!

Oh, yeah!

That is actually
quite surprising.

So, the tracks drop
down when you're near land.

Oh, very clever!

I mean, I'm sorry...

I'm gonna stand back
a little bit.

..have I, or have I not
created something brilliant?

- No.
- You didn't build it.

And it's very cool,
but you can't use it.

-Why not?
-Because it's not road legal!

Well,
put a number plate on it.

It's not an amphibious car,
it's a boat.

That's a boat
with legs on it.

It's not eligible
for what we're doing.

- Well, where's your car?
- Ah!

-What do you think?
-Oh, yeah!

Look at it!

That is a quality job.

Why are you pulling
that face?

It's the stupidest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

It's the coolest thing
that has ever been!

-Look at it!
-What are they?

- These are the doors.
- Yes, undercarriage doors.

What doors?

You retract
the undercarriage.

The front wheel goes up,
then these doors shut,

you've got a smooth hull.

So those...
What do the back wheels do?

What about the chine?

What do you mean,
"What about the chine"?

Look at the chine
at the back.

This is to attempt
a water speed record.

I know!

This is what you need for a
high-speed run,

a smooth, rounded chine.

When this is up here,
it's sharp.

So, as you're going along,
you catch that,

and it's gonna go.

We had to make
it fit round the wheel,

otherwise it wouldn't work
on the road.

You could have made it round!

That was a difficult fabrication job.
It was much easier to do it like that.

I'm sure it's easier, but
you've created a death trap!

Weight. Keep the nose down.

- I know what it's for.
- Well, there you go then.

Isn't this thing
just gonna porpoise?

-We don't know.
-No. Probably.

Anyone who gets in that

- is effectively committing su1c1de.
- No, they're not!

Anyone who gets in that is gonna look
the coolest person here, that's fact one.

Which one of
you two's driving it?

Now, that's interesting,
because...

We've had a think about that.
It's gotta be somebody

with a speedboat,
powerboat racing licence.

- Yes. Have you got one of those?
- I haven't got one.

I haven't got one.
Do I know anybody who does have one?

Yes, I do have
a racing licence.

-Well, there you go, then.
-And here is your racing boat.

Look what
we've built for you.

-I am not getting in that.
-Yes, you are.

No, I'm not doing...

- No!
- Well, you have to.

-You have to.
-I am not.

And with that,
back to the tent.

-This is broken.
-No, line it up with the...

It is broken,
otherwise it would...

You've used a removable
steering wheel before.

Line up the...
There you go!

I've mended it.

Knowing
that 85% of people

who attempt speed records
are k*lled,

and that the boat had been
designed by imbeciles,

I was fervently hoping that it would,
at least, be easy to operate.

However...

You have to drive it into the water first.
It's still in road mode.

And you do that using this.
That just teases it in.

A little push, a little push,
and it goes in.

Once you're in the water, you
have to retract the wheels,

and then you disengage
the fan and the clutch.

Then you have to close
the nose wheel doors...

If you push it down once,
you're in neutral.

You'll still rotate round,
cos the jet's still running...

Push it up, you'll see the current
will flow on the ammeter.

When you get
a current surge...

Jet thrust trim is here,

and it will appear
on your screen here...

Hold that, and that goes...

This one,
you pull it fully back.

If you knew, and you
obviously did know all along,

that I was gonna be
driving this,

why have you made this thing
so complicated?

-That's not complicated.
-We've simplified it.

These instruments
are from the jet ski.

Comforting.

Comforting.
When you're on holiday,

you've looked at those
and thought,

"I'm having a lovely time."

That's what you're doing today.
The water will be colder.

-Why don't you take the checklist with you?
-Because it will blow...

- It tells you the things you've got to do.
- It's so easy!

We've spent hours on that!

The thing to remember
is that it's...

Thirty-nine miles an hour
is really fast.

- It is quite fast.
- It is really fast.

But if you do 40, then
you're a world record holder.

- Step out of here...
- Not world. It's a British record.

-What better record to break?
-What other sort of record would you want?

To set a speed record,

you have to drive past the
start line marker buoys.

You're then timed
over a kilometre,

after which,
you turn round...

..and do exactly
the same thing

in the opposite direction.

Your result is an average speed
taken from the two runs.

It all sounded
very terrifying.

Please sink like a stone.
Please sink!

Sink! Sink!

No, it isn't. Damn it!

-It looks good.
-It looks brilliant!

We have every faith in you.

-We don't have every faith.
-No.

No faith.

Wheels!

Wheels coming up.

It was now time
for the checklist.

What do I do with the clutch?
I've forgotten that.

Doors.
Doors. Is that right?

How do I get it out...
Wait a minute. Right, bilge.

No, that's bilge,
that's not right.

No, it's just...

Oh, this is terrible!

Hammond! May! You idiots!

Why is he just
going round and round?

Is there a record
for going round and round?

Don't know, but if
there is, it's in the bag.

Right. I think we need to
go to a better viewing

position to see his run.

Let's go over there.

With the ridiculous
checklist completed,

I had to get some speed up,

so I could cross
the start line at full chat.

Visor down.

It's on the plain now.
We're on the plain.

It's very spray-y.

It's a badly-designed hull.

But the hull
was the least of my problems.

Jesus Christ! This steering!

Oh...

It's a nightmare!

I can't steer it!

I literally cannot steer it!

I think
he's experimenting with it.

I think he's sort of testing.

Oh, my God!

- It looks pretty good.
- It looks fabulous!

I bet it handles
like a dream!

Oh, come on!

I'm gonna crash
into the bloody safety boat!

-Look, he's making turns. Yes!
-That looks tremendous!

Three times
I tried to get the Pond Bug

pointing in the
right direction.

Absolutely impossible!

And then I thought, "Sod it,"
put my foot down,

and went for it.

Oh, Christ!

It's only my skill that is keeping
this pointing in a straight line.

And, to make matters worse
for a man on a speed run,

I had no idea
how fast I was going.

I've got a GPS speedo,
but I can't read it,

because there isn't any GPS.

Why have they given me
such shoddy workmanship?

Oh, heavens!

Oh, Christ!

That's the worst thing
I've ever done, ever.

And now, I've gotta
turn round and do it again.

I've gotta wait
for my own wash to die down.

That's what did for Campbell.
He went back too quickly.

Here we go.

That is my foot
pinned to the floor!

Jesus!
It's starting to chain lock!

It's really bad.

Ahhh!

And then...

Oh, my God!

Oh, no,
we've got a power problem!

I'm losing power!

May and Hammond have built
a piece of sh*t here.

It sounds
a little bit inconsistent.

That's maybe him
feathering the throttle.

He is possibly finessing it
to keep it on the plain.

Oh, no! Come on!

Jesus! A lot of smoke.

Well, that was a disaster!

I've got no GPS, so I don't
know how fast that was.

And the engine
is cutting out all the time.

Basically, it was time
for a stern word

with the
engineering department.

- Right, you two...
- Yeah?

Not only have you
built something

-ugly and complicated...
-It's not...

No,
it's rubbish and lethal.

- In what way?
- The worst thing is the steering.

You cannot get it going
in a straight line.

The steering
is a horrible compromise,

cos it's gotta work the steering wheel
and steer the boat.

"Horrible compromise"
is a way of describing it.

"Lethal" is another way.

-It looked great!
-Looked great out there.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

- I was doing about 4mph.
- Well, that's a start.

Then, an official
came on the Tannoy

to announce my result.

There you go!

We did it!

What do you mean "we" did it?

Would you have swam it?

-I did it!
-We did it!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you! Thank you all
for applauding me!

No, wait, they're applauding
us as a team.

Listen! I'm sorry
to go on about this,

but Roger Bannister
was the first

to break
the four-minute mile.

Not the man
who made his shoes.

Edmund Hillary was the first
to go up Everest.

Not the man
who made his rucksack.

-So?
-So, I was the first...

I was the first to do that!

I broke the record,
not you two!

Yeah, the truth is,
to be honest, we failed.

You didn't fail.

I mean, if you'd spent less
time getting your hair cut

and more time working on the engine
so that it ran properly,

I reckon that thing
would probably do 60 or 70.

On flat water,
it definitely would.

Yeah, but the thing is,
we gave it the square chines,

that really terrible
steering,

the fantastically complicated
knobs and buttons and things.

Basically, we built a death
trap, and it didn't work.

Well, so you're...
Let me get this straight.

You were hoping I would
become one of the 85%

who d*ed
trying to break a record?

Yes.

So we're now actively trying
to k*ll each other?

Yes, and we can't even
do that properly!

And on that terrible disappointment,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching.

-Goodbye!
-Bye-bye.