03x03 - Colombia Special – Part 2

[bunniefuu]

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

JEREMY: Look at that. That
is a sturdy car, that is.

JAMES: Isn't that a very popular
car with the gay community?

JEREMY: Is it?

JAMES: It's Hammond.
JEREMY: That is Hammond.

- Is that your car?
- Yes, this is my car.

Why is your car there?

Because that's where
the boat dropped me off?

They got to here,
wrapped it in polythene,

lobbed it over the side, me with it.
That's how they do it.

What's it say on that?
"Global Auto"?

Yeah, GAK.

That's what they said
was the company.

JAMES: I bought it from
an English family

- who had bought a house in Tuscany.
- Tony Blair.

- Cherie Blair.
- Sting.

Every single lightweight
socialist in Britain

has been in this car.

We're now
leaving Cartagena

in our quest to find many
interesting animals to photograph.

Well, shrimping and forest products
obviously, er... pays well.

- Look at the boats out there.
- JAMES: I know, that is amazing, isn't it?

You often see that. The
most humble of commodities

and it yields
just incredible wealth.

- Ooh!
- (SCREECHING)

- (ENGINE CLATTERS) - Argh!
- Turn it off!

JEREMY: It is one of the most stupid
pieces of engineering ever, that truck.

Right, Jaguars, they are
very difficult to spot

and very, very rare.

This is proper jungle now.

- (CLUNKS)
- Oh, dear.

I think I've just
lost the exhaust pipe.

JEREMY:
What are we going to do?

People could come out here for
40 years and not see a jaguar.

RICHARD: Well, we could
use my trap cameras.

- He parked his car there.
- Yes.

- Turn it round.
- Oh, that'll mess with his head.

So he comes down in the morning.
Imagine his face.

He'll think he's gone mad.

One, two, three. Move it.

One, two...

Did we get any pictures?

- Right. Ah, look, there!
- That's it!

There's his head,
there's his head.

That's the ace of spades,
the jaguar.

That's S*ddam Hussein.

We've now gotta go and get his
sons, Uday... and the other one.

What was
his other son called?

Edgar.

JEREMY:
With the jaguar in the bag,

our sights were set
on the next target,

another rare and
reclusive creature.

The spectacled bear.

We now have to drive
200 miles

to find the sort of terrain

where we're gonna be
able to photograph

the king of spades,
Edgar Hussein.

Paddington.

To help pass the time, entertainment
was provided by James,

trying to overtake trucks
in his one-litre Panda.

Right. No.

He can't see past them cos his
steering wheel's on the correct side.

JAMES: Cor, bloody hellfire.

So he has to lunge out of the...
(LAUGHS)

and then there's this ridiculously
roarty noise as he sets off.

(ENGINE ROARS)

Holy crap! Come on, car.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

Oh-ho, I enjoyed
watching that one.

Right, blokes, I can't keep this
lorry-overtaking up all day.

- My ring piece is gonna be in tatters.
- (LAUGHS)

What is wrong
with this bloke?

JEREMY: I don't know what he's been
taking, but he's all over the shop.

He's had a lot of shrimp.
The man's a... an idiot.

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: As the day wore on, the Tr*mp truck
proved to be its usual, reliable self.

(HISSING)

RICHARD: Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

That's not good.

That is bad.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Just had a message asking if I'd
like to go back and help Mr Hammond,

er, mend his monster truck.

Let me think about that.

No, I wouldn't.

Out you come.

Air-conditioning radiator.

Useless.

Still, could be worse.

Could be him over there.

Yeah.

My guess is his brakes
have failed

and he's hooked a wheel over
there to stop it rolling back.

Er, is this you?

You?

(MAN SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Er, yeah, that, what he said.

Huh?

OK.

- Gracias.
- (MAN SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)

JEREMY: Eventually the world's greatest
linguist got his truck going...

and caught us up.

And the next morning we all woke in the
pretty hill town of Villa de Leyva.

(BELL RINGS)

Why have you done this
to all my trousers?

You said you were hot.

Well, I am now.

(BELL CONTINUES TO RING)

It's a Sunday morning in
a Spanish-speaking country.

It's 8:15 am.

Chances of a trouser shop
being open...?

Nil.

Jeremy.

- Morning.
- How you doing?

Very good.
Sorry, that's not...

James and Richard
cut my trousers up.

Why do I have to be recognised
here, for God's sake?

Once I'd sorted the trouser
crisis, we continued onwards.

♪ LOS YETIS: Me Siento Loco

JEREMY: And eventually we arrived
in spectacled bear country.

Right, now, listen.

- RICHARD: Erm... - JAMES: Hohoho-ho.
- There's a lot to do.

- What?
- I don't like your trousers.

Well, no, at least he's trying.
He's making an effort.

You should have
gone the whole hog.

Maybe some nice...
Hey, we're out...

We're in the
outdoors, some nice chaps.

Suede,
but ventilated at the back.

And that shirt.
You've picked up that colour.

Have you been getting advice?

May we turn our attention to
the bears now, to Paddington?

Your skin's flaking.

- You should moisturise.
- It's... What?

- You should moisturise.
- You should moisturise a little bit.

- Why should I moisturise?
- Because your skin's flaking off.

Because you're dry. You look like
something found in a pyramid.

Anyway, listen,
we must turn our attention...

(RICHARD LAUGHS) - We
must turn our attention...

"Let's have a look
at the sarcophagus.

Argh!"

"I'm not putting that in the
British Museum." -(RICHARD GUFFAWS)

Rather than put up with
any more of this persecution,

I insisted we saddle up and set
off to look for Paddington.

I don't actually know... I've
seen a picture of these bears

but I don't actually know how big they are.
Are they two feet or ten feet?

I just don't know.

Keep it diagonal, obviously,
while crossing these things.

- (CREAKING)
- Oh, shite!

RICHARD:
Oh-ho!

Oh-ho! Look at you
with a wheel in the air!

Can we please try not to make
this look like it's a problem

cos the ladies and gentlemen
will think we're hopeless.

JEREMY:
I tried to drive myself out.

Which went well.

Speed and power. -(LAUGHS)
He's just dug himself a hole!

So I asked Hammond for help.

But, predictably,
his pickup truck

chose that moment to
go into one-wheel drive.

Oh...

Oh, dear.

There was only one solution.

- Could you give me a tow cos...
- No.

No, I'm very close
to coming out.

- Well, we know that. You've bought a Jeep.
- Yes, no, that's...

- Oh, I see.
- (LAUGHS)

Every single time I open my mouth
now, you've got some reference...

No, it's great. It's good.

We're all friends.

With the rope hitched up,
we were ready to go.

So I'll give you a small tug.

- Was that a gentle tug?
- There we go.

And then it's down to you because I
haven't got the weight to pull you, OK?

Here we go, three, two, one.

- Whoa!
RICHARD: Exciting.

Yes, go on!

- A Fiat Panda!
- Yesssss! - JAMES: Yes!

Jeremy Corbyn just pulled
Freddy Mercury out.

It's a meeting of minds.

(LAUGHS)

I'm not sure we're
very good at fist-bumping.

JEREMY:
With that calamity sorted,

Hammond got four-wheel drive
back and we resumed our mission.

Right.

Go on a bear hunt.

Soon, however...

(CLANKING)

- (CLANKING CONTINUES)
- Oh, dear.

What's up, Hammond?

RICHARD: I think something's broken
somewhere in the drive line.

Am I now having to pull
Hammond... Oh, God.

Right, and pull Hammond out.

RICHARD: Once my pickup
had been pulled out...

I quickly found the fault.

Broken the half shaft.

JAMES: Ohhh!

RICHARD: I think this is now
a two-wheel drive.

JEREMY: Still, while there
had been a few mishaps,

our cars were able to take us comfortably
to a suitable bear-spotting point.

I've got a cool-box in the back of the
Jeep full of zesty, refreshing drinks.

The temperature's perfect.

I'm not out of breath.
I didn't have to walk here.

However, because
the trap cameras

had been ruined
by the jaguar,

this time we would need to
deploy our immense patience.

Soon, however...

I'm bored!

- I'm bored!
JAMES: Bored.

Booooooored!

JEREMY: So, to make life more
interesting, we kept on driving.

Right, we go higher up
the mountain.

This is the absolute worst terrain
for the Jeep's suspension.

God, I'd like to meet the man who
put these big tyres on this thing.

And I'd like to strangle him.

Still, could be worse.

- Hole.
- (THUD)

- Oh, dear.
- (LAUGHS)

Looks like Jeremy Corbyn's
struggling a bit there.

(REVVING)

No, somehow he's managed to
get it back on its wheels.

And still it goes!

JAMES: But then...

Oh, God.

Oh, hold on.

Big hole there, chaps.

- Yeah, you see that...
JAMES: Oh-ho-ho.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

JEREMY: That's not...
What are you on about?

- It's massive!
- That's quite a big hole.

- It just isn't, though, is it?
- Other than that it is.

- Look at the size of it.
- JAMES: Although... - JEREMY: Look.

- RICHARD: No, that's...
- JEREMY: No,stop and listen to the expert.

Cut it this way.

Gravity gets you down there and then
you simply drive up the other side.

Oh, Professor, how do you
work these things out?

- You drive out.
- Look at your tyres.

- Yeah, Hammond, that's a monster truck.
- Only two are driven.

- It's a monster truck!
- It runs over cars.

I've seen them do it
on the telly.

- And they're two-wheel drive.
- They are, actually. Yes.

They are two-wheel drive and they...
Monster trucks could easily do that.

With Hammond refusing point blank to
help, James and I did manual labour,

and cut away the edge
of the bank.

Keep going, chaps, you'll
fill the hole in eventually.

What about that then, Hammond? That's
softened it up a bit. Fancy that?

It's easy now.
I'll do it in a Lamborghini.

That's got rid of
that big stony bit.

That's roughly where
your wheel's gonna go.

Yeah, just before
the massive drop.

Ever since your last accident,
you've lost your bottle.

No, it doesn't require
bottle to do that.

It can't be done.
It's not the same.

Well, you're gonna do it.

- No, I'm not.
- You are.

No, I'm not.

Right, here we go.

Gravity will
get you in a minute.

Yes, I know gravity works.
I'm familiar with it.

Just do it and then drive up
the other side.

Hurry up, quicker.

Oh, God!

- There you go.
- Exactly as I said.

Now drive up the other side.

Hold on.

(ENGINE REVVING)

I told you
this wouldn't work.

(ENGINE STOPS)

- I've had an idea.
- What?

You know that sort of roll
bar thing

- he's got there.
- Yeah.

If we get the sand ladders
from the support truck

and lay them on that,
we could drive across him.

- Couldn't we?
- Isambard Kingdom May.

Hammond, we've had
a brilliant idea.

I don't know
what they're gonna do.

I just know
it's not gonna work.

(GROANS) This weighs a tonne.

(GRUNTS)

- (THUDS)
- Oh, mind my roof!

It won't reach.

Oh... No... Don't...
Come on...

Ohh...

(ELECTRIC CUTTING)

(MANUAL SAWING)

(HAMMERING) JEREMY: Eventually
our magnificent bridge

was complete.

And James volunteered
to cross it first.

JEREMY: Come on, Hammond,
you must be pleased.

No, I'm not pleased!

First heroic thing it's done.

First time
it's not holding us up.

- (GENTLE REVVING)
- Is that looking good?

- Looking good.
- No, it's looking ridiculous.

(REVVING)

(CREAKING)

- It worked.
- Yes!

- How about that?
- Yes!

- Piece of cake.
- Oh, no fist bumping.

- Oh, no, we don't do that, do we, yeah.
- That hurt.

JEREMY:
Now, though, it was my turn,

in a car that was more than
twice the weight of the Panda.

Hold on, I can't even see
the sand ra...

I can't see the rail
on this side.

JAMES: Tiny, tiny bit your left.
That's it. Right, straight.

Tiny, tiny bit to your left,
but really tiny.

That's good.

Right on the edge.

Now very slowly.

Tiny bit of left.

- That's right, you blithering idiot.
- Right.

Now that is... Oh.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop there, stop there.

It's gonna break.

It's not gonna work.

- What?
- It's not gonna work. -(ENGINE OFF)

Yes, but the thing is
you've stopped me

and there's no other way
of describing it,

- on top of... -(CREAKING)
- top of Hammond's car.

Yeah, I know.
Don't jig about too much.

RICHARD: Don't worry about
my truck sitting there.

We're not worried
about your truck!

JAMES: Since Hammond wouldn't lift a finger,
even though he'd got us into this mess,

I had to get the camera crew to
help beef up the sand rails.

JEREMY: We're supposed to be making wildlife
photography look easy and comfortable.

This isn't working.

JAMES: With the strengthening in
place, it was time to continue.

(ENGINE STARTS)

JAMES: Keep it on that.

Exactly that line.

Yes!

Yeah.

- Right, let's move on.
- Right.

Well, they're across.

- Oh, God.
- Why have you stopped?

You're not gonna
believe this.

What?

There's a river.

Can we go through it?

Not in a million years.

What are you doing?

It's... Just round that
corner there's a river.

- Yeah.
- Blocked.

But you've been gone...

So what was
the point in that?

Well, at least it meant
your car was useful twice.

- It was.
- Well, you ended up where you...

We've achieved nothing,

apart from ruining my truck
and turning it into a bridge.

Yeah, but we needed to do
that to get back again.

- Exactly.
- But if you hadn't gone...

If you hadn't gone there, you wouldn't
need a bridge to get back, would you?

JAMES: We didn't know there was a
river there until we'd gone there.

- And there are no bears.
- JEREMY: As this debate

wasgetting us nowhere,

we pulled an ungrateful
Hammond out of his hole,

and found another route
up the mountain.

I'm actually looking forward
to seeing a bear, I really am.

I like all bears, except
polar bears, which I hate.

They're vicious and
they eat schoolchildren.

Joyously, we soon found
another suitable spot,

where I discovered
I had a small problem.

I'm still not high enough up
to see over the shrubs.

Well, nothing we can do
about it now.

- What?
- Shut up, nothing you can do about it.

- I wish I was a bit higher.
- That's how high you are.

(GROANS)

JEREMY: We settled down
to wait.

But shortly...

And inevitably...

- Bored.
- Me too.

It does get boring, this.

It's 20 minutes.

(ANIMAL BARKS)

- What was... what was that?
- That's bear noise.

- Ssh.
- (ANIMAL BARKS)

- I'm not bored now.
- That is a bear.

(GROWLING)

- It's a bear, it's a bear!
- I can't see it.

- It's fantastic.
- It's a bear.

- Yes, it is, it moved.
- Ssh.

- I can see its face.
- Oh, yes.

- I took a picture of a bear!
- Ssh.

(WHISPER)

Why won't it come over here?

Probably because
you're talking.

I think we're a bit
too conspicuous.

- We're scaring them off.
- You are.

Your car and his car,
they're too... bright.

JAMES: I know.

JEREMY: Hammond and May agreed that my
car was the quietest and most subtle.

So they suggested
I should creep towards

the largest flesh-eating mammal
in all of South America.

He is coming close range. w*apon
too close for my big g*n.

He is coming!

He is coming.

(BEAR GROWLS AND SNEEZES)

JEREMY:
And then, to top it all...

Bears are sh1tting
in the woods.

The bear is sh1tting
in the woods.

I have now seen everything.

Edgar Hussain is done.

(ENGINE STARTS)

King of spades, tick.

♪ LOS DUG DUG'S: Smog

JEREMY: We therefore got back on
the road and continued onwards.

Finally arriving late that night
in the capital city of Bogota.

♪ Smog! ♪

Having had a decent night's sleep,
we convened to plan our next move.

- Morning.
- Hello.

What's the matter
with your face?

- Is it not good?
- No.

It's like being in
The Singing Detective.

- (LAUGHTER)
- It is.

- That's bloody rude. Anyway, listen...
- (HUMMING)

Sorry, I'm briefly
mesmerised.

- Listen.
RICHARD: I'm back.

While you were out
this morning

buying new action
trousers, I see,

I have got a book...

All of Colombia's wildlife
is in this book, yeah?

All of it.

I've been through it.

- Guess what there isn't?
- A hippopotamus.

Well, so far we've
got pigeon, dog, horse...

Donkey.

Don't bring those up, please.

- Um, jaguar.
RICHARD: Jaguar.

- Bear. - JEREMY: Bear.
- RICHARD: Yes.

Condor is next.
Condor is next.

Is there a case...
I think there is.

For a little light
car modification?

RICHARD:
I agree, there is, there is.

I think I might be
scaring them off a bit.

- I could make some changes.
- I'm just thinking...

Tell you what
I could give my car...

- A roof.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

There is evidence to suggest
in your flaking visage...

Then you wouldn't look like
Michael Gambon in the '80s.

I am Michael Gambon
in the '80s.

♪ LOS YETIS:
Llegaron Los Peluqueros

JEREMY: We then went shopping in
Bogota's massive auto district.

20 city blocks of nothing
but shops selling car parts.

All I really need, if I'm
honest, to make my car better,

is some kind of ladder,

so I get some elevation
for the photography,

and a chair to sit on,
and a roof.

RICHARD: Oh, gold dust.

Look at that.

That is perfect.

So, um, can I have 20 metres?

Vingt me...?

That's not a good sign,
is it?

(MUSICAL BLAST FROM HORN)

JEREMY: As we went about our shopping, I
received a rather intriguing phone call.

This afternoon?

Sure. OK.

All right, bye.

Er, that was
our Colombian fixers.

They say, um, this afternoon
they want us to try something

which is, they say... the thing
that Colombia is most famous for.

Yep.

Football.

Specifically a match between
The Grand Tour team...

and our Colombian fixers.

Hammond, with his gammy knee, couldn't
play, so made himself our manager.

So, we're gonna play
a five-four-four?

JEREMY: I doubt it.
- Five-four-three?

MAN: Eight, nine?
- Five... Two?

- How many on our team?
- It's eight a side.

Three. Right, well,
we're gonna play...

- Drop the five, then.
- Three... four.

Three.

JEREMY: With the crowd
of onlookers

at fever pitch,
the game began.

(WHISTLE)

And since I was our biggest player,
from any angle, I was put in goal.

Which went well.

Also,
the ref was pretty harsh.

- (WHISTLE)
- What?

How can it be handball?

He hasn't got a hand!

- (WHISTLE)
- The match continued

with some good clean tackles
from us.

(WHISTLE)

And eventually
an actual goal.

- (CHEERING)
- (WHISTLE)

But my goalkeeping continued
to let the side down.

- Oh, come on!
- (WHISTLE)

- (WHISTLE)
- (CLAPPING)

And even though
I'd given my all...

(COUGHS) I've just coughed
my lungs up.

I was eventually substituted for
our special forces security guy,

who did well,
despite his pixelated face.

(CHEERING)

We may as well modify our cars now.
We're not playing.

Yeah.

The only problem is,
nobody'll be able to film us.

Cos they're playing football.
And they are not stopping.

Why don't we just quietly
leave them to it?

We'll get on with it.

JAMES: It's not as if
anyone's gonna miss us.

(GRUNTING)

- Go on, Nick!
- (WHISTLE)

JEREMY:
The next morning, happily,

the uninjured members of our
film crew were back at work.

- Was it really six-two?
- Yeah.

- It was.
- Yeah.

I think the problem was they
substituted me and you too early.

- I think so.
- Anyway, listen...

We've now got
the film crews back,

so let's set them to work
doing what they can do,

and have a look at our cars.

- OK, you have to find mine.
- Where is it?

Yours is the one disguised as a
bush in an industrial car park.

- I've camouflaged it.
- Well, yes, you've painted it.

It's got roll-down netting that goes over
the windows when I'm using it as a hide

and it has an inbuilt... Well,
it's got a raise on it as well,

cos the one problem
I've had is ground clearance.

- Yeah.
- What?

You've spent two days
laughing at Hammond and me

cos we've got cars
that have been raised,

and how awful they are, and then
you've done exactly the same.

As an alternative expression, rather
than "I'm going to raise my car,"

- why not, "I'm going to ruin my car"?
- Yes.

- What you've done is ruined it.
- Let's see.

I've done it very subtly.

How do you think Tony Blair and
Gordon Sting are going to feel

when they see that you've turned
their Panda into a monster Panda?

Very happy, actually.
That's communist camouflage.

I got it from a picture
of a Russian t*nk.

This is my idea.
PA system. I always do this.

- It's not a PA system.
- Well, it is.

It's a bird call
and animal call system.

I have an iPad, other tablets
are available, in the car

in which I can select a
number of animal noises

and they play out of those speakers.
It's a lure.

Well, can we move on to Hammond,
who's obviously gone...

- If you can find it.
- Completely mad.

(RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT) I too
have gone the camouflage route

because it's green,
as you can see.

I've mended the half shaft
up here.

That's the only mechanical
work I've had to do

because other than that
it's been perfect.

Yes, this structure here
is a hide.

I know it is. It's a hide
on a monster truck.

It's people that they're scared
of and they won't see any people.

Those all drop down and in there
I've got everything I need

because often you're sitting and
waiting a long time to take pictures.

We've learnt that. I can
cook, eat, entertain myself

whilst waiting to capture an
award-winning photograph of an animal.

And this rotates
through 360 degrees.

- I see.
- And you, because it's you,

you put two cameras in there
to film yourself.

Yes, that's the most
important thing.

I love the idea that you two, I'm
afraid there's no other word, morons,

have decided that somehow
you can camouflage your car

so they won't be seen
by animals.

I have already proved that mine can drive
right up to a bear, he's interested.

Speaking of yours,
what have you done?

Whoa, what's all that
on the back?

That, gentlemen,
is a scissor lift.

- What?
- It's a scissor lift.

Simply get in that and rise
up, so then I have a...

Oh, so you're going to be
a window cleaner. -(LAUGHS)

The only thing this didn't really have
was proper elevation. Now I have it.

- How high does it go? -38 feet.
- (RICHARD LAUGHS)

- Really?
- Yes. -It'll just fall over.

A-ha, that's why I fitted it
with outriggers.

They're not far enough apart.

- Or big enough.
- They slide...

How much does it weigh, that?

- I've added half a tonne.
- (RICHARD LAUGHS)

And there's something else
I've done.

Oxygen is fitted
for my engine.

- Why do you need oxygen?
- Because we're going very high.

- Well, 38 feet.
- No, 15,000 feet.

More, actually.
Nearly 16,000 feet.

- Really?
- Why?

Condors. They're in the sky.

Yes, but they fly
above the ground.

Yes, I know, but in order to catch
up to them, we must go high.

You can't catch up with them and just,
just photograph them in the face.

I'm telling you, you want a
condor, we've gotta go high.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- I've seen it as well.

What, my roof?

That the only piece of fabric
you could find to make a roof?

- What is that?
- It's wild life.

That's for a nursery
or something, isn't it?

- I mean...
- Mate!

It'll keep the sun
and rain off my head.

- The rain?
- Well, it'll keep the sun off.

It's a really nice installation.
That is a quality job as well.

You've really...
that is crap.

So I've got oxygen
for the altitude

- which we're going to.
- Yeah.

- That'll stop my face disintegrating.
- It won't.

- And that means I can photograph birds.
- It won't.

JEREMY: As it was another 200-mile
drive to reach condor country,

we decided to
get cracking immediately.

(ENGINE AND STEREO START UP)

♪ THE WEATHER GIRLS:
It's Raining Men

♪ Hallelujah,
it's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ I'm going to go out... ♪

- (TURNS ENGINE OFF)
- (MUSIC STOPS)

(TURNS ENGINE ON)
♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

♪ Absolutely soaking wet ♪

- Have you two done this?
- Yeah.

Think of it as advertising.

Advertising what?

Well, yourself, mate.

We... I... You need to
work on your presentation.

You look like crap.

How do I turn it off?

The instructions
are all on the screen.

(SONG CONTINUES)

Mate,
it's a brilliant icebreaker.

♪ Mother Nature ♪

♪ She's a single woman too ♪

♪ She took off to heaven and
she did what she had to do ♪

I can't...
I can't hear myself think!

♪ ...every angel ♪

♪ And she
rearranged the sky ♪

♪ So that each and every... ♪

The fact is, Jeremy,
people who wouldn't give you

a second look are looking.

Yeah, sorry.

Where are the speakers
in this bloody thing?

Oh, God, they're moulded!

♪ The temperature's rising ♪

No, I can put up
with this no more.

I don't know much about
engineering, as you know,

but I do know that if you rip enough
wires out, you can mend anything.

♪ Tonight for the first time...
♪ (GROANS)

♪ At just about
half-past ten ♪

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- That's better.

- (RATTLING)
- Ah, now the music's stopped,

I have uncovered a small
problem with my modification.

JAMES: What's that?
- Quite a lot of rattling.

(RATTLING CONTINUES)

(REVVING)

I don't wanna speak too soon, but I
think my big wheels are working.

The car is going along, they're
not rubbing on anything.

The ride's still reasonable.

♪ LOS YETIS:
Llegaron Los Peluqueros

JEREMY: As we left Bogota, and picked up
speed, my mods became even more annoying.

Sit-rep, and it's not good.

I mean, yes, I can't hear the rattling
from the scissor lift any more,

but only because the roof
is flapping like a bastard.

And, steering's
worryingly light,

cos all the weight's
at the back.

Also, the rear tyres now
never catch on the arches.

- (RUBBING)
- Apart from then.

- (RUBBING)
- And then.

(RUBBING)

JAMES: And in the Panda, things
weren't that great either.

(KNOCKING)

I'm starting to hear some
alarming noises from my car,

- so I thought I'd share them with you.
- (KNOCKING)

There's one of them.

It's almost as if the wheels
have moved on the hubs

and are starting to touch little
bits of the arches. -(KNOCKING)

Can you hear that?

To try and stop the roof flapping, I've
put my monopod here, to keep it all taut.

- And that hasn't worked.
- (RATTLING)

- Rattling, tyre noise.
- (FLAPPING)

- Flapping.
- (REVVING)

Yeah. Yeah.

Bad.

Still, could be worse.

Oh, cock.

Right, this is quite bad.

What's happened
on all those windy bits,

as the car leans to one side
and the other,

is that the bigger tyre has
rubbed against the filler pipe,

from the cap here
down to the t*nk,

and it's made a little hole in
it and the fuel is gushing out,

which is why I was getting a bit
stoned as I was driving along.

I thought it was just altitude,
but it was actually petrol fumes.

So what I'm gonna do is, er, drain
the t*nk down by about half,

so the level is below
that bit of the pipe.

I will patch up that hole,
put the fuel back in

and then I'll put
the proper wheels back on.

JEREMY: While May did...
what he just said,

Hammond and I hoovered up
some animal pictures...

- Oh, yeah.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

I got it.

In terrain that was becoming
absolutely spectacular.

It's the variety of Colombia
that staggers me most of all.

One minute you're in
what looks like Japan.

Then it's
the Yorkshire Dales.

Then it's Austria.

Then it's California.

It's like the greatest hits of
the world all in one place.

I mean, Jesus,
look at that now.

Eventually
we were all reunited,

and, at my insistence, we began
the long climb to 16,000 feet,

where I knew
the condors would be.

I cannot wait to see a condor

because they are one of the
most superb creations on Earth.

They just are magnificent.

They can stay at 18,000 feet all
day, maybe flap their arms once.

Once.

Right, gentlemen, we're
passing 10,000 feet now.

Er, how's your
temperature gauges?

Mine's getting hot,
really hot.

JAMES: Er, weirdly,
my car isn't overheating,

but it is producing
some steam

because I think maybe the cap
isn't perfectly sealed

and the ambient pressure
is going down.

Yeah.

Why does he say
ambient pressure?

Why not just pressure?

JEREMY:
Soon we entered the clouds,

and pulled over
to photograph

something else we thought
Amazon might like.

The humming bird.

Sadly, though, to attract these
wonderful little things,

we had to take
drastic measures.

(THRUMMING)

You know when wildlife
photographers tell you

- how they got the sh*ts?
- Yeah.

I bet they never ever say, "And
then we wore scarlet lipstick."

RICHARD: No. I've never
seen it mentioned.

They also wouldn't say that if you want
the birds to come up really close,

you need to put a plastic
flower in your mouth.

JAMES: Oh, that one's lovely.
Look at that, look at that.

RICHARD: They are absolutely
beautiful, aren't they?

sh*t!

I've gotta get further away.

JAMES: You got it?

JEREMY: Epic.

I've gotta say, of all the
things we've ever done,

that's kind of
up there, really.

- Yeah, it's beautiful.
- I think that might be my favourite.

And now we've done one of
the world's smallest birds,

it's time to carry on going
up, and one of the biggest.

- What?
- We've got to get the condor, haven't we?

- They weren't condors?
- (LAUGHTER)

JAMES: We continued on Jeremy's
journey up into the heavens.

Right, we're at something like 11 and a
half thousand feet. We're still climbing.

Car is definitely
struggling now.

The engine burns a mixture of
oxygen and petrol, mainly oxygen.

The oxygen is going down, so
you can't burn as much petrol,

so the engine develops
less power.

I'll have to go for second.

Climb, Pepe!

Keeping an eye
on temperature.

It is working extra hard.

It might just pass
a critical level

at which this car can't
suck in enough oxygen

to mix with fuel to burn.

And then
I'll run out of steam.

The good thing is that while my
colleagues were painting their cars,

I was fitting mine
with oxygen tanks.

So when I start to
really struggle,

I shall simply feed pure O2
to the engine, and me.

JAMES: Oh, my God.

Come on.

Hammond, how are things
in your monster truck?

Not brilliant. It's gone very
wheezy and it's getting very hot.

We've just passed
14,000 feet now.

Really running out of power.

Switching to oxygen
for the engine.

- (CLICKS)
- There we are, two clicks.

Right, watch this.

(REVVING)

Kick-down is restored.

That's profound,
the difference.

(CACKLES)

Leading my breathless colleagues,
we continued to climb...

and soon found ourselves
on a volcano.

Last erupted in the 1980s

and k*lled 25,000 people.

I've never seen anywhere
with fewer animals in it.

Condors live here,
I'm telling you.

They come
and get volcano mice.

You're destroying our cars, you've got
oxygen for you and your car only,

and we can see nothing!

JEREMY: Hammond did seem to have
a point, as no condors appeared.

Nothing for it,
we've gotta go higher

to find Colin Condor.

Come on, hurry up, follow me.

This is it,
this is all I've got.

Foot is flat to the floor,
the temperature is flying up.

I've just been told
we're at 15,500 feet.

Oh, God,
not another steep one.

Yes!

JAMES: My plucky little Panda,
however, was coping rather well.

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Until it broke down.

(ENGINE GIVES OUT)

Bollocks!

Um, I've got
a completely dead battery.

Right, James, I'm gonna try
and push-start you with this.

I'll be gentle.

OK, please push me with
the bumper, not the wheels.

I'm sure you realise that.

(CLATTER)

Whoa!

Hammond, you've put
my window through.

Oh, there is a God!

I'm gonna back up to amuse
myself looking at this.

JAMES: Reverse!

RICHARD: Yeah, but you've
become disconnected

on your back bumper
on one side.

Oh, God, now mine's d*ed
and it's boiling.

JAMES:
Whoa, that's proper boiling.

RICHARD: My only option was to try and keep
some air flowing through the radiator.

So I set off once more.

Errr...

It's swimming through ash,
that's the problem.

It's now getting hotter than
ever and I don't like this edge.

(BLEEP)
That shat me up a bit.

Clarkson, how much further is it
to this "No picture opportunity"?

Not much further now. Only
a couple of... Oh, a bit.

He doesn't know.

JEREMY: But then I saw
exactly the sort of ridge

condors use to keep aloft.

To reach it, though, we'd
have to turn off the track.

Now let's show those two
what the Jeep can do.

There you go, there you go.

(STRAINING)

JAMES:
No, I can't get up there.

That simply doesn't work.

It's like talcum powder.

No. Stuck again.

Come on. Come on, Jeep.

Yes, you little beauty.

JEREMY: Uhh.

Um, I may have overreached
myself a little bit.

RICHARD:
Oh, look at all the condors.

I can see they're everywhere.

It doesn't work.
Let's face it.

I've had a brilliant idea.

Let's just get off this dusty
bit and set our hides up there.

Yes.

JEREMY:
So, we drove off the dust...

found a new
likely-looking spot,

and when the clouds
had lifted,

we set about getting ready
to do photography.

The idea of the netting is it
stops the shine on the windows.

Very visible to animals.

Oh.

There was some
on this side as well.

- Right, it's ready.
- You're going up in it?

Well, why would you not?

Well, I can see one reason.

You see the maximum weight?

159kg.

- What's...?
- Well, you're not going anywhere, are you?

- Well, the camera is quite heavy.
- No... OK, it's the camera.

(WHIRRING)

Bye!

This is a lot higher than
it looked in the brochure.

I wouldn't like that.

(LAUGHS)
That's really horrible.

- Keep going till the end bit drops out.
- (LAUGHS)

- Why don't you two...
- Yes?

Get in your cars.

- Yes?
- OK.

And can I just reinforce
one thing?

RICHARD: What?
- Silence is key.

JAMES: Agreed.

That ridge up there
looks promising.

Right.

(RATCHETTING)

Where is it?

No, no, no, back a bit, back.

I can't go back. I'll have
to go all the way round.

I can hear it from up here.

Right, that one there, stop.

Got it.

RICHARD: Think I'll make a coffee.
(CLATTERING)

Sorry.

JEREMY: Then it was May's
turn to disturb the peace.

(DUCK-LIKE
AMPLIFIED BIRD CRIES)

JEREMY: What is that?

It's a bird call.

It's a duck!

JEREMY: Moments later, though,
there was an even worse noise.

- (THUNDER)
RICHARD: Oh, God.

JEREMY: Jesus!

RICHARD: If only there was
something tall and metal

that would attract
the lightning.

JEREMY: Not wishing to be
fried, I quickly descended.

And then we all tried to
outrun the storm...

which didn't work.

(THUNDER)

JEREMY: Jesus Christ!

We're 250 miles
from the equator,

we're on a volcano
in a severe hailstorm.

How much hail is there
in the sky?

There's hail coming in now.

It's bouncing in
through the back.

RICHARD: Still, we got some
great condor photographs.

Oh... (BLEEP)
look at this now.

JEREMY:
Life in the Jeep was hideous.

Oh, God.

Ah, ah... (BLEEP)

Ice right down
the back of my neck.

Oh... (BLEEP)

I've just put all the ice
down the back of my seat.

Oh, bollocks!

Richard was very sympathetic.

Oh, dear.

Oh, that is a lot of snow.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, joy. Joyous moment.

JEREMY: Mercifully, though,
the storm passed,

so we drove down the rough and icy
mountain track, long into the night.

(BELL RINGS)

And the next morning
woke for a rethink

in a makeshift
camp on the edge of a town.

(GROANS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER)

What are you doing?

I told you condors
live down here.

Living? It was living up there
and it's had engine failure,

and it's crashed here.

Doesn't matter how
it got here. Fact is, it is

and I've got the pictures of
it. That means we're done.

- You can't put that...
- (CAMERA SHUTTER)

on an Amazon screen saver.

Why not?

- Well...
- (CREAKING AND THUD)

It's lost quite a lot
of its majesty.

But it's a condor, and that means we're
finished, that's it. We're done.

James,
I've got a condor sh*t.

Have you?
Have you done it?

That is the final one.
It's a condor, in camera,

finished, out of here.

JEREMY:
Hammond was wrong, though.

We still had
one more animal to find.

The one that didn't
make any sense.

The hippopotamus.

Right, listen, this is
obviously some kind of town.

I am a journalist,
and a bloody good one.

So why don't I pop into town

and see if I can find out anything
about this hippopotamus story?

(BARKING)

RICHARD: My hide did not do
well on that drive last night.

JEREMY: No, I can see that,
and neither did my camera.

No, it's, um, fogged up, I
think, is the technical term.

JAMES: My car actually
fell over in the night.

I know nothing about it.

JEREMY: Once we'd parked,
I set about doing journalism.

(BARKING)

This is like being back on
the Rotherham Advertiser.

Except this is nothing
like Rotherham.

- Buenos dias.
MAN: Buenos dias.

Hippopotamus.

Hippopotami?

Gracias.

Nobody knows, nobody knows.

Having drawn
a journalistic blank...

Excuse me.

I decided
to do art instead.

Hippopotamus.

- What?
- Hippopotamus.

Yes. Where?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

What's that? Got a Spanish-speaking
cameraman, where is he?

What's that mean?

(EXCHANGE IN SPANISH)

CAMERAMAN: They are here.

- They are here?
- (REPLIES)

- Where are they?
- (CAMERAMAN TRANSLATES)

(EXCHANGE IN SPANISH)

JEREMY: Having got the information,
I went back to my colleagues.

Any joy?

More than.

I have heard the most
astonishing story.

Apparently there was
this guy in Colombia

who had a business exporting forest
products all around the world, OK?

Really, really successful.
So successful,

he bought himself
some pet hippopotamuses.

- Who was he?
- Pablo someone or other.

Anyway, the police sh*t him.

- Why?
- I don't know.

They sh*t him and after he was
dead, his hippopotamuses escaped.

Yeah? And they've been living
in the wild and breeding.

So there are hippopotamuses
here and they are wild

and I know where they are

and they're only 120km away.

- Well, we're in.
- Let's do it.

- Finish your coffees.
JAMES: That's excellent.

RICHARD:
That is staggering news.

The only thing is,
for this 120km,

would either of you mind
if I modified my car?

By unmodifying it.

JEREMY: Having all
unmodified our cars,

I decided
that before moving out,

there was a small job to do.

Right, I've borrowed something from
Hammond to annoy May. (CLICKS TONGUE)

♪ LOS YETIS: Soy Un Hombre

Seeing that little New Labour Fiat
Panda with its Brexit sticker on.

(LAUGHS)

That is like putting an I-heart-Mexico
sticker on the back of Donald Tr*mp's Beast.

I mean, his car, not...

JEREMY: We were now on the last
75 miles of our 1300-mile trek

through what had turned out to be one of
the world's most incredible countries.

If you were to combine Canada
and Russia and Australia,

you still wouldn't have
the variety,

in terms of terrain and
temperature and wildlife,

that we've seen on this...

absolutely epic journey.

But of course, we wouldn't have
been able to see any of that

without our cars.

♪ LOS DUG DUG'S: Felicidad

Let me just remind you that
this is a small, 49 horsepower,

one-litre utility hatchback.

It is a humble car.

And yet that humility
is actually its strength.

Because it's done everything
the other two cars have done.

It's climbed the same mountains, it's
driven along the same rutted tracks,

it's forded
the same small rivers.

It's absolutely brilliant.
I love it.

On this trip, the camera
and production teams

have lost six almost new
Toyota Land Cruisers.

Hammond has lost
a half shaft.

May's lost most of his
electrics and a starter motor.

But this... nothing.

Nothing has gone wrong.

It's taken everything that
Colombia could throw at it.

Temperature extremes,
altitude extremes,

roads like
you wouldn't believe

and it's just gone,
"Yeah? What?"

Yes, it's desperately
uncomfortable

and if you hit
a pothole hard enough,

it would put your spine through
the top of your skull.

But, and this is
more important,

I liked it when we got here
and I like it even more now.

It has a sturdy heart.

I do realise that James Bond
doesn't drive a monster truck.

Nobody in a suit, in fact, has
ever driven a monster truck.

They're not... cool.

You could argue, as the other two have,
that they're moronic and stupid.

Or you could argue
that they're fun...

Cos that's what they are. They're
built to make you smile.

And what amazes me is that even
with the modifications done to it,

all of which
have made it worse...

It's too tall, too wide,
too slow. It overheats.

Still it's done everything
the other two cars have done,

which makes it the best,

easily, in my opinion.

Oh, my car's gone again.

My car has just d*ed again.

I'm pulling over.

JEREMY: Had you just done a piece to
camera saying what a great truck it was?

RICHARD: I may have done.

Yeah.

JEREMY: Eventually the Tr*mp
truck was back in business.

And soon we were close
to our final destination.

Right, this apparently is the
area where the businessman lived.

And if you go down
his escape road here...

- His what?
- Escape road.

He built it
in case the police came.

And so he could get away.

- It wasn't very good, then.
- No, it wasn't.

Anyway, if you go down it, there's a
pool where the hippos are now living.

Target acquired.
Let's do it.

JAMES: Let's do that.
- Hippos!

So, a quick dash
down the escape route...

to the water,
grab a sh*t of a hippo.

Yes, viewers,
about a kilometre to go

and I haven't been run over
by a monster truck.

(REVVING)

I'm absolutely delighted.

Hammond,
I can only see you behind me.

Can you see Clarkson
behind you?

No. Just looking for him.

RICHARD: At that moment, though, we were
distracted by what lay in front of us.

That is a pond!

That's a pond.

JAMES: Yes.

- We're in with a shout here.
- What?

Well, that looks like a hippo
sort of pond, doesn't it?

Who put that..
Did you put that on my car?

- What?
- That sticker?

No, I thought you did
when you did your mods.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- Well, I was surprised.

It's a strong statement
for you but...

You did that at that
fuel stop, didn't you?

- No, it's been there since your mods went on, mate.
- No, it hasn't.

You shout it loud and proud. I
wouldn't let your friends see it.

Anyway, important business
to be done.

RICHARD:
Rather than wait for Jeremy,

we decided to be ready

in case our
final target appeared.

(BUBBLING)

Hammond...

He-he-he.

Martha Hussein,
you are in my sights.

Look at his big fat face.

JAMES: Yes!

- Well, that's it.
- That's tremendous.

(CHUCKLING)

Hippopotamus!

Photos of a hippo.

- Congratulations.
- Well done, us.

I say we've done it.
We've done it. Where's...

I know, I've been
worrying about that.

Well, if it gets here,

you realise that'll be
the first time

any car
on any of these trips

has ever got to the end
without a single fault.

Nothing's gone wrong with it.

That's about the only time
that's ever happened.

- The car, get to the end,
- You're right.

It hasn't broken at all.

That's a record.

You don't think he fell off
that little scary bridgy bit?

I don't know.

He overcooked it because it's near the end.
And tried to do some...

- Hang on a minute, is that...?
- It is.

Oh, brief moment of elation
followed by plummeting depression.

(JAMES LAUGHS)

- Where have you been?
- Welcome.

I've been mending my camera.

- You don't need it.
- What?

We've done it, mate. We've got
sh*ts of a hippo. It is done.

- We've finished. We've done it.
- Behold the hippo.

We got sh*ts
of a hippo just then.

Came out
a couple of minutes ago.

- So that's the end?
- That is the end. -Job done.

And we've got through the whole programme
without once mentioning cocaine.

Oh.

James, we said
before we came out here,

we weren't going to use
the c-word.

We were going to be
the first people ever

to go to Colombia
and not talk that.

Sorry.

It just slipped out.

And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

We hope you enjoy looking at
the photographs we've taken.

- They won't.
- Well, some of them are quite good.

- Well, one or two of them are good.
- No.

Well, whatever.
We'll see you very soon.

Goodbye.

♪ LOS DUG DUG'S: Smog

♪ Smog ♪