03x07 - Well Aged Scotch

[bunniefuu]

Hello!

Hello, everybody!

Hel-lo!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.

Wow!

Noisy bunch.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thank you,
and welcome.

And in this week's show:

Loch...

Scot...

and two smoking Beamers.

Now...

Thanks, everybody,
thank you, thank you.

Now, I wanna begin
by talking about money.

Bear with us on this one.

You see, if you'd put £35,000

in a saving account
in the year 2000,

you'd now have around £60,000.

However, if you'd put
that same £35,000

into an E-Type Jaguar,

you'd now have £100,000.

Yeah, just about everything
even remotely rare
or interesting

is worth a fortune these days.

Aston Martin DB5,
that'll cost you £750,000.

Ferrari Daytona, £600,000.

A pagoda roof Mercedes SL,
that'll set you back
at least 75 grand now.

Yeah, it's not just
exotic cars either.

Ford Escort Mexico, OK?
A hum-drum car.

That's a £60,000 thing
these days.

60 grand!
Yeah, it is.

However, there are one or two
rare and interesting cars

that seem to have
slipped through the net,

whose prices haven't yet
gone through the ceiling.

So we decided
to get out there and see

which of us was best
at spotting that
investment opportunity.

Exactly. So we each
bought a classic car.

And then to see which one
of us had got the best deal,

we took The Grand Tour to
what one of our producers,

who's Scottish,
always says is the best,

most beautiful place on earth:

Scotland.

We chose, for our meeting point,

a quaint fishing port
near Inverness.

And I was the first to arrive,

in an Alfa Romeo GTV6.

Now...

you would imagine
that when one of these

comes onto the market,

classic car enthusiasts
are running around

like they're in a zombie
movie and it's Black Friday.

But, no.

I bought this
from an 83-year-old man...

who'd had it since new
and was only selling it

cos his 84-year-old wife

found it so difficult to get
in and out of, "you know".

It's only done 26,000 miles.

And yet it cost £10,000.

And £10,000 -
that's a round of drinks

in the world where
this sort of thing belongs.

Oh, hello.

James May in
a Lancia Gamma Coupe.

That's one of the prettiest
cars ever made, but don't
tell him I said that.

Morning, May.

How much?
£13,500.

Oh, £3,500 more...

than I paid for this
vastly superior Alfa Romeo.

Well, £13,500 is a bargain

for a car that is coach-built
and extremely rare

and beautiful.

But it isn't exotic
like this is.

What do you mean,
it's not exotic?

May I just talk you through
some of this car's
features, yes?

Transaxle, gearbox at the back,

twin-plate clutch,
disks all round,
unusual at the time.

One of the best engines
ever made,
two-and-a-half litre V6.

Those aren't my words, by the
way, they are the words of
James May in Car Magazine.

Yes, I did say that. I do.
You love this engine.

And this has won the European
Touring Car Championship

four years on the trot,
it won the British Touring
Car Championship.

This has got
race breeding as well.

What, the Gamma?
It's a Lancia!

They're the most successful
rallying team in history.

Not my words,
the words of Jeremy Clarkson.

And that is
a better-looking car.

What, than this?
Yes!

- It is...
superbe.
- It's not "superbe".

I tell you what's not superb.

Richard Hammond
arriving in a Fiat X19.

How much?

£2,250.

Somebody saw you coming,
Hammond.

What? For a baby Ferrari,
two thousand...

-Did you just call it
a baby Ferrari?
-He did.

Because it is.
Mid-engined, Italian,
it's exactly what it is.

Ooh, listen to that sound.
I know.

That is the reassuring sound
of tin on Russian steel.

It's a light, bright,
effervescent sound,
just like the car.

How many colours
has this car been?

It was black, then it was red,

then it was white,
then it was pale blue,
and now it's purple.

I'd like to add, actually,

it's not, "How many colours
has this car been?"

How many cars has this been?
Well, quite.

- It's now going brown.
- Brown, yeah.

All right, then.
I'm not gonna turn around.

I'll try and work out
which Alfa you've bought.

Da-nah, the best Alfa.
Oh, it's a GTV6.

Exactly!
Yeah.

Why has it got this
plastic bit in the middle
of the bonnet?

Genius. The engine in
this car had a small issue.

It used to backf-...
well, front-fire, actually,

and blow the top
off the engine, yeah?

So that would damage the bonnet.

So they put this plastic
panel, which was easier
to replace.

Why didn't they stop it
backfiring?

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

They were... busy.
Lazy.

Can I just ask?
Hmm?

What's that broom handle
thing for?

Well, now this is another
characteristic of the GTV6

is that when you park up, you
need to keep the clutch pedal

depressed using
a broom handle like that.

-Right.
-Otherwise the clutch
and the flywheel

- will fuse together.
- I see.

I used to own one of these,
there's not a lot
I don't know about it.

Yeah. When you used
to own one of these, how did
you find the gear change?

Um... smooth, snicky.

-No, it wasn't, was it?
-No, those aren't quite
the right words.

Terrible.
What about second?

Yeah, second...

-I don't know,
I never found it.
-No, exactly!

Yes, let's not get bogged
down with some of the Alfa's
minor design flaws.

Disasters.

Because all three of us
have got classic cars.

I have, yes.
For good money.

Mm-hmm.
We're in Scotland.

So why don't we take them
on a drive in...

Well, let's be honest,
Scotland is just a road trip.

I agree.
- We could, while we're here,
we could do the NC500.

Which, I mean, that is sup...

Voted by Condé Nast
Traveller magazine...

voted it the best road trip
in the world.

It's got lochs,
mountains, it's just...

All the pretty bits, yeah.

It's all the best bits of
Scotland, right,

500 miles round
the north coast of Scotland.

In Italian exotic cars.

Oh, hang on. Text.
What?

Yeah? Mr Wilman.

Mr Wilman.

It says:

"Those cars will not do 500
yards, leave alone 500 miles.

So I've provided three backup
vehicles which you can use

to get home when they go
wrong and catch fire.

And explode."

- I was wondering
what they were.
Funny.

How did he know we were
going to do 500 miles?

That's a good point,
actually, cos Hammond's
only just suggested it.

- How did he know that?
How did he get
three bicycles...

Putting Mr Wilman's
psychic powers to one side,

we climbed aboard...

and set off
into the giant oil painting

that is Scotland.

Oh.

This isn't exactly like
the tourist authority would
have you believe, is it?

It doesn't look like it looks

on the shortbread tins.

This render that they put on
everything is like a sort of
batter for houses, isn't it?

Batter!

"I've battered my house."

You can see why they want
to be independent, can't you?
Get away from us lot.

Well, you wouldn't want
people coming in and messing
all this up, would you?

I used to have a fiercely
Scottish neighbour in London.

Why would a Scottish
person go and live in London?

I dunno, because he'd
do anything for Scotland.

Well, except live there.

Was he called Sean Connery?

Eventually,
we cleared the fishing port

and found ourselves
on the open road,

where we could get
down to the business

of enjoying our
pedigree Italian classics.

And the Fiat.

My car is just so
refined and sophisticated.

And in fact, really
well looked after
by its previous owner.

It was obviously loved and...

One of my windscreen wipers
just fell off.

Oh, dear!

He can't get out.
I can't get out.

We can only just lift it up,
there you go.

You just have to
drive like that.

James, can I just say,
you've done three miles.

There, it's mended for now.
Don't turn it on again.

-Just turn it on, I want to
see what happens.
-OK.

Ready?

In Scotland?

-In Scotland, you won't
need it, that's the thing.
-Perfect.

Cos it never rains.

Right, now we're alone, viewers,

I can reveal that that
windscreen wiper incident
is really a bit of an aside

compared with some of the
other problems this car has.

Most of these
relate to the engine.

In particular,
the way Lancia mounted

the power steering pump
on the end of one of
the cam shafts.

Basically, you can't
really use full lock,

especially when
the engine's cold, otherwise
the engine will explode.

The thermostat was fitted
in the wrong place,

which leads to overheating,
very suddenly

and then the engine can explode.

And there were some problems
with the gasket materials,

which causes the coolant
to mix with the oil

with engine-exploding
sort of results, really.

James, I heard
Wednesdays can cause
your car to explode.

So you need to be
careful tomorrow.

Proximity to trees,
lakes, grass,

heather, grouse, or tartan.

All those things cause it
to explode, I'm sure.

Look, I'm sitting here trying
to explain to the viewers

why the engine might explode
and I'm constantly

interrupted with your stupid
exploding engine jokes.

OK, carry on,
but do it quickly
before the engine explodes.

Meanwhile, in the GTV6...

Ooh, no, what's that?

That third?
Right, good, third.

Fourth? Yeah, fourth.

Or is it fourth or second?

I was getting reacquainted
with all the peculiar
little foibles.

Driving position's
not brilliant.

Pedals are far too close
to the seat,

so you have to drive with
your legs wide apart.

Not so bad if you're a man.

If you're a girl, though,

trousers is a strategy
you need to think about
in a morning.

However,
despite all the weirdness,

I do still absolutely love
this thing.

It was my ownership of a GTV6

that taught me
what cars are all about.

You need a personality,

you need flaws
for them to be human.

And James May was right
for the first time
in his life,

and only time in his life:

this is one of the greatest
engines ever made.

The creamiest, the smoothest...

and the most beautiful
to listen to.

That's not exhaust noise.

That's an actual engine.

As James and I enjoyed
our classic thoroughbreds,

Richard was driving along
in his purple Fiat.

Unleash 80 horsepower.

Well, I mean, this thing
only weighs 960 kilos.

Fiat sold 170,000 X19s,

so this doesn't have rarity
like theirs does.

But let's contrast rarity
with the opposite,
which is popularity.

Cos that's what this car was,
immensely popular.

And I have
the pop-up head lamps.

Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna pop them down
again now.

I can do that whenever I want!

One slight complaint
about the Fiat,

the pedals are very,
very small and
very close together.

And if you try and
operate them with,
let's say, your feet,

you'll find that
your feet are too big.

Really, you just need
to use a toe on each.

Soon,
Hammond spotted a racetrack

and suggested
we have a go on it.

And as we pulled up,
it became clear

that tiny pedals
weren't his only problem.

- That's quite high revs.
- Yeah, it idles quite high.

Is that its idle speed?
Yes.

It's keen!

Since this was
actually a go-cart track,

it was too narrow
for car racing.

So I decided we should have
a drifting competition.

Come on, little Fiat.

It doesn't work.

It simply doesn't really
have the power to...

throw its tail out properly.

Even though my Alfa
had twice the horsepower
of the Fiat,

things weren't great
for me either.

You can't unstick
the tail of a GTV6.

You just can't. Ready?

Just grip and more grip.

I know Roger Moore drifted
a GTV6 in Octopussy.

But then he crashed into a fence

and had to dress up as a clown.

In the Gamma, I was confident

I'd succeed where
my colleagues had failed.

Right, here we go.

Lancia is one of the greatest
names in rallying history,

so a controlled drift should
be second nature to this.

As I approach that corner,
I'll heel and toe it and...

Hm.

Brake, lift-off.

Nope.

At this point,
I suddenly remembered
something important.

This is front-wheel drive,
isn't it?

What was I thinking of?

It's not gonna drift.

Happily, though, the
enthralled local audience
were able to find a solution.

What I do is,
I take the rear wheels off,

let the tyres down and put
these plastic covers on.

Then pump the tyres back up
again, put them back on,

that gives the car the loose
back end you want to drift.

These are just... this is like
putting insulating tape

on the back wheels
of your Scalextric cars.

Stand by.

With no help from anyone else
on this freezing day,

the drift covers
were soon fitted.

Oh, here we go.

Oh!

Right, turn in...

get the drift going, then...

This entertainment
went on for quite some time.

No.

Until eventually...

Dab of brakes, in.

Hold it, hold it!
He turned
the steering wheel!

-He turned
the steering wheel!
-He did a thing to it.

Ye-e-es!

Yes, yes, yes.

This looks like a lot of fun.

We're gonna do that.
We've gotta try it.

Oh, no, there's the only set.

-What, of those things?
-Yeah, they're the only set,
so we can't do it.

No, we can...
We can make some.

Did you ask if you could
borrow this bit?

No, but they won't need it.

And rotate.
Aaaah...

This goes over.

It'll require
a little bit of persuasion.

James May just drifted
perfectly behind you.

This is another
of those weird days.

With his tyre covers made,

Hammond decided
not to hold back.

Oh, this is gonna be...

I mean, seriously, he's gonna
get to that corner, then...

Where can the helicopter land?

Here comes a drift,
here it comes.

And drifting.

Agh!

Completely out of control.

Let's just try again.

All right, one of them...
no, that's fallen off.

That could be interesting.

And I am turning in.
Drifting.

Oh, no, I'm, no, there's...
I've got steering.

Annoyingly,
Hammond's dismal failure
didn't stop him

fitting his ridiculous
contraptions
to my precious Alfa.

And insisting that I have a go.

Think of the trouble
Alfa Romeo went to

to make this car exquisite.

Think of the trouble
that Pirelli went to

to make the tyres grip properly.

And then along comes
Hammond with a bin.

Whatever, here we go.

What was that noise?

Whole car's vibrating.

Yeah,
that's a massive vibration.

Hammond, you blithering idiot,

you've totally ruined this car!

An inspection of
the undersides
revealed some grim news.

That has come off.
So the prop shaft is now...

Well, it's still
joining the gearbox

or the transaxle to the
engine, but by a thread.

And if I did anything more
that rev it like that,
it's gonna come off.

If I'm driving along, then
that's the end of the Alfa.

Well, that's interesting.

Uh... my car's working
and I'd like a drink.

The hotel is about
25 miles away.

So, I think I'll get on
with it, if you don't mind.

You can't leave...
No, you can't leave me now.

What do you mean,
I can't leave you now?

Have you seen...
Have you seen how cold it is?

I can't see how cold it is,
but I can feel it.

I actually just looked.
"Drizzle 6, feels like 2."

-Well, you know
what would warm you up?
-What?

A bicycle ride.
It always does.

20 miles through this...

freezing middle of nowhere.

Hey, Richard the hamster
Hammond,
is your car warm and dry?

-I'm just checking.
-Yeah, I'm warm and dry.
You warm and dry?

I'm very warm and dry.

Oh, I meant to ask, would you
like a long gin and tonic
sitting at a barstool?

Yes. Yes, I would.

And we've only got...
Well, it's not far in a car!

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

Rub it in!
Seriously, rub it in!

We're gonna need to rehearse it.

What?
Well, what we're saying.

Look, so we're on breakfast TV,

you're on the sofa, yeah?
Oh, OK.

"Good morning and with me is James May...
" That's how they speak.

"who has just learnt of
the sad demise

of his co-host and colleague,
Mr Jeremy Clarkson.

James, how do you feel
that his body was found

in a ditch
with a bicycle this morning?

Was it?
Yes.

No, that's not right, is it?
Sorry, can you do that again?

This is radio, OK? "Good
morning, five past nine,
James May is with us.

Uh... we only learnt this
morning of the sad
demise of..."

Oh, bugger.
What?

All of that rehearsing, mate,
waste of time.

Because he's outside right now,

fighting with a bicycle lock
by a fence.

Oh, you look cold!

Who's cold?

Oh, hell!
Why won't this work?

Paperboys can work
one of those, mate.

Oh, you can steal it,
I don't care.

He's left the key
in it. What a muppet.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Hammond!

Hammond!

Hammond!

The next morning,
the peaceful stillness

was shattered by the cry
of a distressed animal.

Clarkson!

Clarkson!

Where's my roof?

Right.

Bastard!

What was that?

What... Oh, you are joking?

No. No.

No.

He hasn't, he's not that sick.

Morning.
What?

Morning.
Yeah, whatever. Oh!

Why have you driven over
your own roof?

Clarkson. He's sick.

Enjoy your day on your bicycle!

Bastard.

Well, I'm cold now, obviously.

Borrowed a jacket
from a cameraman.

He's six-three and 18 stone.

I'm in a small, stylish,
Italian sports car,

supposed to be looking good.

I look like a frostbitten gnome!

Rotten trick, that.

I wouldn't stand for it.

The only thing that worries
me is he might get some
exercise on his bicycle!

-Ha-ha-ha!
-Do you think he's already
just become

one of those embittered cyclists

who hates anybody
who's got a car?

Oh, jeez.

What?

Oh, come on!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

He did not mend that.

Very good. Now...

I have to say, the only
reason why we met

on a beach full of oil rigs
and then drove

through a council estate
full of hypodermic needles

is to annoy...

Well, simply and only to
annoy our Scottish producer.

Yes, but we will not tell you
Gav's name, we promise.

No, we won't.
We won't say his name.

Anyway, look, it all gets
a lot sunnier and prettier
in part two,

when we finally get
on the North Coast 500

and we'll pick that up later on.

Yes, but now
it's time to say hello

to the old lady of debate,

who sits in the bus shelter...

of chat on Conversation Street.

I don't even remember that one.

I don't remember that happening.

I wanna stick with
the film in Scotland,

if I may, James May, because
at one point you said

you put those plastic things
on the back wheels
of your Lancia

because it was like putting
insulating tape on the back
wheels of a Scalextric car.

Yeah.
Who's ever done that?

Well, I have.

Yes, but you said it like
it's one of those things
that everybody's done.

He did.
It's like saying,

"Oh, remember when you stole
your first pair of tights?"

- You know what
it's like, Hammond,

when you've got marmite
on your testicles.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Hang on, Scalextric cars
have too much grip.
That's the point.

No, they don't! That's why
they end up under the sofa.

They haven't got any grip.
Every corner, they fly off!

They've got too much grip,
they over-steer suddenly
and you can't control it.

If you put the insulating
tape on the rear tyres,

you reduce the grip and then
you can slide them
and drift them...

Oh, my God,
you have actually done this?

Of course I've bloody done it!

Your childhood!

Who here has put insulating tape

or any form of tape on the
rear wheels of a Scalextric?

That's nobody at all.

- You?
- There, there.

How bored must you be
to think,
"I know what I'll do today"?

Everyone apart from
that lady over there

has never put insulating...

It's your worst
explanation ever.

See me after.
No, no, it's not. It's not.

His worst explanation ever
was when we were doing
that water speed record.

And he explained to you,
um... to clear things up,

how the boat controls,
which you can operate,

on our Pond Bug,
worked the same way

as aeroplane controls,
which you can't operate.

Exactly.
That is the James May way.

Explaining something
you do understand

in a way
that you don't understand.

Look, hang on a minute.
Hold on a minute.

You are a man who can't wind
a wristwatch up without
taking somebody's eye out.

And you claimed in that film

that you'd mended the prop
shaft on that Alfa Romeo.

I did.
Did you?

Well, I made a phone call.
Did you?

Same thing.

I made a phone call
and a man, unbelievably,

drove all the way from
Wiltshire to Inverness

with the spare part
that I needed.

How generous.
And then you mended it?

Well, I watched.
Yeah.

Actually, this is
the part that broke.

You can see the bit
that came out, there, yes?

Mm-hm.

And apparently this is
a known fault on a GTV6.

Everything
is a known fault on...

A GTV6 is a known fault.

Shall we just move this along?

-Let's move it along to
more actual conversation.
-Mm-hmm.

Land Rover has announced
that 70% of people suffer
from motion sickness.

And they say that in
the future, their cars
will have...

some clever system
that senses when
you're getting carsick

and then adjusts
the cabin temperature

and the suspension to cope.

-And I think
that's a pretty good idea.
-That is quite clever.

I have to say, I've never had
any sort of motion
sickness, anyway.

But I'm very grateful cos
I once met a man
who did have it.

It was on a cross-Channel
ferry, very rough crossing.

Everybody was being sick
except me.

And I went into the lavs
and there was this bloke

and he was face down
on the floor.

On a boat there's
a little lip at the door
to stop water getting out.

And that was all full of sick.

And as the boat rolled,
this little sort of
miniature tsunami...

sort of came
and hit him in the face.

As I walked in, he looked up
at me and he went, "k*ll me."

But the thing that was
disturbing is,

I know he meant it.
He did mean it.

Anyone had sea sickness?
Cos I have.

You do genuinely want
someone to k*ll you

when you're seasick,
you really do.

You really do.

What also troubled me
about that ship was

there must've been
500 or 600 people on it.

Everybody was
hueying everywhere -

horizontal surfaces, vertical
surfaces, the ceiling,

the food, everything.

What did they do with it
when it got there?

Scuttle it.
I think they must've done.

Sometimes you've got to,
you've got no choice.
Happened to me.

Our childhood car,
a Hillman Avenger,

my little brother vomited
milk in the back of it.

Ugh.
Scrapped it. It's gone.

-It just isn't any good.
-OK, I'll own up to
something.

Oh, are you sure?

I was driving through
Corsica, late for a plane,

and I had my son in the back,
who was probably nine or ten.

Going quite quickly.
It's all mountainous roads
through Corsica.

Very hot day. And he
vommed explosively.

And the upholstery was
that kind of textured velour.

When we got to the
car rental return place,
still late for the plane,

the guy's coming over
to check the car.

I said, "It's all right,
mate, it's all in one piece."

And folded the back seat down.

Oh, you did not?
Yeah, just...

Oh, you sick man!
I know.

And left it.
Yeah. Just left it. Ran.

So somewhere there
is a kid who's paid

two euros a day to
clean out returned hire cars.

-And he encountered
that horror.
-I ruined his life.

But the reason we brought up
all this car sickness stuff
is the RAC...

Always up to speed, the RAC is.

It's put out some advice
saying that um...

parents can stop
their children feeling sick

if you can get them
to look at the horizon

rather than the screens
on their mobile phones
or tablets.

- Good luck with that.
- Is that advice?

"Go on, children,
look at the horizon.

It's more interesting than
Angry Birds or Fortnite."

Maybe they can persuade
them to tidy their bedrooms
afterwards as well.

Yeah. Anyway, that's sick
covered. Let's move it along.

I'd like to move it on with
some more conversation.

Police in Dubai
are testing a hover-bike.

But, no, it actually
is a hover-bike. Here it is.

Look at that.
Look at that thing!

Oh, my God.

It costs about £117,000.

It can go at 60 miles
an hour, fly for about
25 minutes.

- Look at that.
- Yes, yes.

I can see a couple of things,
as a police-pursuit-vehicle
problem.

If you drove at 61 miles an
hour, you'd get away from it.

Actually, you could drive
at less than that,

but for more than 25 minutes
and still get away from it.

Or, and here's another one
you haven't probably
considered:

if you fell off it, you're
falling through your
own propulsion device.

I don't care,
because look at it!

I want one of those more
than I want both of my lungs.

It is simply
the best thing I've ever...

James, can you imagine
Richard Hammond on
one of those?

Literally minutes of fun.

Yeah, exactly. And then
he would just be a mist.

You'd just be a veneer all
over the nearest building.

You'd actually be able to
walk through Richard Hammond.

It would just be a puddle
of Richard Hammond.

All right.

sh*t idea.
Right. Erm...

A lot of people have got it
into their heads that I don't
like electric cars.

With good reason, because
every time you've got
an electric car,

you come back into the office
on Monday morning with
another dreary tale of woe.

-Cos you can't
charge them up!
-Here we go.

You can't! Last weekend,
had a Jaguar I-PACE, OK?

This is a really good car.

This is why I have nothing
against electric cars.

That's the new Jag,
and it is fabulous.

Lovely to sit in, quick as hell,

better than a Tesla by
a long way, actually,
in many, many ways.

Brilliant. However,
brought it up here,
plugged it into my farm.

And boof!
Instant darkness.

This is a farm that can
supply all of Western Europe

with vegetable oil
for a thousand years.

Plug one Jag into it,
and I'm in the 13th century.
No electricity at all.

I then took it to a friend's
house, plugged it in there -

he's got more
modern electricity.

Left it overnight and
it had only hoovered up

enough electricity overnight
to cover 29 miles.

That's because you're
plugging it into a
14th-century domestic socket.

You're supposed to use a
proper modern fast charger.

How long would that take?
45 minutes.

I haven't got 45 minutes.

I've only got 130,000 hours
left, James, before I die.

I'm not going to spend
any of it... What?

Wait a minute.

This is a new thing of yours
that's started.

"I've only got
130,000 hours."

It's dropping.
It's dropping now.

Where does...
It's a lovely thought.

It's dropping...

It is. Get on with it!
I'm losing valuable time!

All right! I do wanna know,
though, where did
that number come from?

Have you got your phone on you?

-Yes.
-Cos he always forgets
to leave it behind. OK.

You don't have to tell
anyone how many years
do you think you've got left?

-Uh... years I've got left?
-Years, then times that
by 365.

Oh, I see.
Times it by 24.

-How many hours
have you got left?
-394,200.

Right. Well, how much of that
do you want to waste...

charging a car, sitting
around while a car charges?

I went on the BBC iPlayer
the other day,

and it said, "You've now
got to register to use this."

No, I haven't! I haven't
got time to do that.

I'll be dead by the time
I've finished.

I've got 14,200.

James!
What, hours?

Yeah.

That's a week on Tuesday!

May, the whole point
of this exercise...

is you think
of the bloody number!

"It's the rest of my life,
I better not think of a big
number, I'll be modest."

Well, I'm gonna be
pleasantly surprised,
hopefully.

Next week.

I think we can probably end
Conversation Street there

on James May's sad demise.

Any minute now.

I wanna talk about the BMW
M5, which has always been,

as I'm sure we all know
in here, the ultimate Q car.

It is a fizzing lunatic in
a Geoffrey Chaucer suit.

However, the new M5
has turbo-charging,

so it's kind to polar bears.

And it has four-wheel drive,
so it's safe.

And it has
an a*t*matic gearbox,
and that's all very nice.

But is it what we want?

Let me, first of all,

explain the basic recipe
for a BMW M5.

It's a four-door saloon
with a boot at the back,

space for five businessmen
in the middle

and a monstrously powerful
engine at the front.

That's the main thing
about an M5.

It must be extremely fast.

And this one, they say...

is the fastest ever.

So I've just pulled up
alongside someone

in his lightweight running gear

and his AMG training shoes.

Whereas I am in
a stout pair of Brogues

and some heavy
moleskin trousers.

Which means I'm gonna lose.

Or am I?

Oh, that hurts!

That was 0 to 60
in three seconds.

I can't get my head forward!

That's 100 miles an hour
in about seven seconds.

120.

130 miles an hour
as I cross the line.

'Tis unbelievable, that.

The cheap, heavy,
four-door saloon

just b*at the sports car.

That's an M5's job.

On the face of it, then,
the new version

seems to tick all the
important M5 boxes.

It's sensible and
thanks to 592 horsepower,

it is Ferrari fast.

But what about the
turbochargers and the
a*t*matic gearbox?

And what about
the all-wheel drive system?

Does all that mean
it's no longer capable

of being a swivel-eyed lunatic?

No. Not really.

Yes, because a great deal
of work has been done

to completely eliminate
under-steer...

as you can see.

The steering does feel
a bit weird.

And yes, because
the engine is turbocharged,

the soundtrack is a bit muted.

It's like listening to
someone play the bass...
in the next room.

But other than that...

I mean, there must be
turbo lag. There has to be.

But I can't feel it.

And the a*t*matic gearbox

must change more slowly
than it would

if it were
a double-clutch system.

But...

Still feels pretty speedy to me.

And even though
all four wheels are driven...

it can still do this.

Holy sh*t!

If you wanted to do this
all the time,

you can actually turn off
the four-wheel drive system.

Seriously, you can turn it off!

Just have it in rear-drive only,

behave like a complete yobbo.

And that's just the start
of the M5's adaptability.

You can choose how much
traction control you'd like.

You can choose...

how sporty and responsive
you want the engine to be,

how uncomfortable
you'd like the ride to be,

how meaty you'd like
the steering to be,

how quickly you want it
to change gear

and what you want
on the head-up display.

You can even choose
what sort of noise

you want the exhaust to make.

Ooh, and look at this one.

This menu allows me to choose

what fragrance comes out of
the air-conditioning vents.

I can have the Blue Suite,

which is a waft
of pure water pearls.

Or I can have this one,

which gives me a golden
shower of fiery aromas.

And this is all very
Pacific Rim. It's very CGI.

And that's great.

But the truth of the matter is

that the 50-something
businessman

who'll buy this car

will never change
the fragrance setting

or any of the other stuff.

He'll put it in four-wheel
drive comfort mode on day one

and leave it there forever.

And if he's going to do that,

there may be
a better alternative.

It's made by a German tuning
company called Alpina.

And it's another take on what
a fast BMW should be like.

It costs about
the same as an M5,

and has a broadly similar 4.4
litre, twin turbo-charged V8.

It also has four-wheel drive
and an a*t*matic gearbox.

However, this car was not
developed at a race track.

The boss of Alpina says
if you engineer a car

to be good at the Nurburgring,

it won't be any good
on the road.

And he may have a point on that.

So instead of making
the front suspension
firm and racy,

they tuned it to be able
to deal with potholes.

Then they changed the steering

so it would corner
more like an airliner

and less like an F-16.

Inside, they gave it blue dials

and a thinner steering wheel
and softer leather.

And look at this.

Something you don't get
in the standard M5.

It's a comfort plus setting,

in which the 50-something
businessman

can spend his life
wafting about.

But don't think that the
basic fast BMW recipe

has been ruined.

Because it really hasn't.

It actually produces
600 horsepower.

That's more than you get
from the M5.

It has more torque too.

And there's no nanny limiter.

So this will do
205 miles an hour.

Does this mean, then,
that on a track,

the comfort wagon can keep up

with the ultimate sports saloon?

Well, even though
it was fun finding out...

the answer is no.
Not quite.

The M5 is tauter, more nailed
down, more on it, somehow.

So on a track, make no mistake,

the M5 will pull away.

In fact, it is doing.

We're both cats.

It's just that he's a cheetah
and I'm a lion.

If, then, you care about
shaving tenths of a second

off your lap time
at a racetrack...

you're better off with an M5.

But for going home on the M4
in the real world,

which is what I'm about to do,

I'd rather use the Alpina.

So I shall.

Very interesting...
interesting observations.

Very nice.

So, um...

So after all of that, you
would have the worse car?

Well, yes, cos it's better.

-It sounds better to me,
I've gotta say.
-Says the voice of speed.

Tell you what, let's find out
how fast the M5 goes
round the Eboladrome.

And it's off.

She held it against
the brakes for a snappy start

and clearly it's worked!

Flying onto
the Isn't Straight there.

Ooh, look, it's a bit damp.

Right, having to work
at the fat steering wheel.

Whoomph from the four
exhausts on the up-change.

And now plunging into
Your Name Here
looking a little edgy.

But then this is nearly
a two-tonne car.

Heaves forward under braking,
but keeping it all in check
in the corner.

And now, back on the power.

Spooling up both turbos
for the fast return run.

Looking good. Ooh,
dabbing off a bit of speed
at the midpoint.

And ready?
Yep, really hard

on the brakes
for Old Lady's House.

This is where understeer
will show itself.

But, no, looking tidy.
Not bad for such a heifer.

Taking no prisoners
on the blast to Substation.

Torturing the Pirellis
through there.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Tidy through there
and across the line.

-It did look quick.
-It looks quick
but it looks like it's heavy.

It does look heavy.

Anyway, there's the lap board

and we can see the old M5,
look, down there:

17th place, one minute 24.2.

Uh, so let's see where
the new one goes.

Is it quicker?

Ooh, it is.
Yes.

Ooh, my word,
four seconds faster.

That's staggering, isn't it?

That's absolutely amazing.

Now, and I have to say,
uh, we did, um...
we did time the Alpina,

but we haven't, uh,
we haven't filmed it.

-Why not?
-Well,
cos it's gonna be slower.

It is.

You are gonna look
such an arse if it isn't.

I am, but it won't be.

Let's find out.
Let's see where it goes.

This is the Alpina.

There you go. You see?
Slower. As I said.

But 1:21.6, not bad. Not bad.

So if you do want
a taut, fast, super saloon,

his advice is get
the flabbier, slower one.

Yeah, it's better.
This really is some clear

buying advice again this week.
It is.

Anyway, let's get on
to some actual clear buying
advice, uh, shall we?

-Let's get back to
our film in Scotland.
-Mm-hm.

Tonight, we are doing, uh, a
tour of the North Coast 500,

around the top of Scotland,

in some beautiful
Italian classic cars.

And a Fiat X19.

-Well, yes, but you two had
both had mechanical issues.
-Yes.

Yeah, we did, but we still
had hope in our hearts
that things would get better.

As we cruised along,
our Italian classics,
and the Fiat,

continued to provide
unexpected entertainment.

I'm gonna show you
a fantastic feature
on this car.

Here are the heating
and ventilation controls.

I've got it on warm
because it's a cold day.

But look what happens
when I press
the air-conditioning button.

It's haunted!

Did you see that?

Look.

Hm, I think
I'll cool myself down.

My head itches
because of this hat.

But if I take it off,
I'll freeze to death.

Soon, Hammond insisted
we stop for a cup of tea...

to ward off his hypothermia.

-I've had a thought.
-That's very
uncharacteristic of you.

I was gonna say,
first time ever.

No, this is based on
experience and knowledge.

Right, problem with the NC500
going all way round here,

we miss this bit.

We're here, right?

And we miss this road,

which I have driven
and it is breath-taking.

Not just the scenery,
which is incredible,
but the actual road itself.

I'm sorry, but if we
just go along here...

Yeah?

We're not exactly
doing the NC500, are we?

No, but what if we create
our own route and claim it
for The Grand Tour.

We could call that the
Scottish Highlands
Intermediate Tour.

-How far is it?
-Uh, it's about 287 miles
if we do that.

Scottish Highlands
Intermediate Tour 287, 2-8-7.

It would be the sh...
No, hang on,
that doesn't work, does it?

Piloting Extremely Nicely
In Scotland.

2-8-7.
Yeah.

So the Piloting Extremely
Nicely In Scotland 2-8-7.
That would do.

You see? That's your
second thought of the day.

It's cos of the hat.

With the new route
sorted out, we set off.

And it turned out
that it wasn't quite
like Hammond had said.

It was much, much better.

Holy moly.

Och aye the view.

It's amaz... Look at it.

I mean, it's...
This is heaven.

And not just the scenery,
which is magnificent;

the road itself,
the twists, turns, surface.

You have to get the right
ingredients together

in the right order
in the right place.

It's a complicated thing.

A really fabulous road.

But this manages it.

Absolutely glorious.

Oh, the PENIS287 is really
coming up trumps here.

God, I bet my car
looks elegant
going through this scenery.

This is what the GTV6
was built to do.

Open sweeping roads.

Nothing but the sound of
that V6 howling away.

Ah.

This is what driving
is all about.

This is the dream.

In fact,
the moment was so magical,

it had taken my mind
off something that had
been troubling me all day.

Today is the 11th of April
and I don't wanna sound like
Eeyore, but it's my birthday.

And those two
haven't remembered.

All of the crew
have said happy birthday.

The director
said happy birthday.

James and Richard?
Nothing.

Ullapool, 26 miles.

Ullapool, I might be
able to get the prop shaft
balanced there.

That's quite a big town.

Guys, how far are we from
the hotel now? Do you know?

About 30 miles, 35.

Well, as it's not late,
I'm gonna dive into Ullapool

and see if I can get
my prop shaft balanced.

- You're gonna what?
- It's vibrating

and it will hurt the car,

so I want to just
get it balanced up

and I'll see you
at the hotel later on.

That is uncharacteristically
conscientious of Jeremy, to
want to go and mend his car.

But it's actually
very convenient
for me and Hammond.

We've got something in mind.

The thing is,
we hadn't forgotten
it was his birthday.

And with him gone,
we could sh**t ahead...

and set up his surprise party.

Balloons coming in.

Ooh, this is nice.

Right, loosen it off.

And that will allow
the prop shaft to settle
where it wants to settle.

While the short-sighted
orangutan ruined his car,

I was busy in the kitchen.

For Jeremy's birthday feast,
I am preparing his favourite
dish, spaghetti bolognese.

But as it's his birthday and
as we are here, I'm gonna
give it a Scottish twist.

Pasta and sauce are ready.
He'd love that.

But now is where I
give it a Scottish twist.

Pop it in, back
for that in a minute.

Now, this should be ready.

Oh, yeah.

And this is where
it gets Scottish.

Very carefully, you pop it
in the flour like this.

Sprinkle it.

Keeping it together
as best you can.
The grilling has helped.

And now into this.

Good coating all over.

Drop that as carefully
as I can in there.

Pop it in the oil.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I am doing that.

I'd say... that is ready.

Oh, yeah.

That will do nicely.

And there it is.

Spaghetti Mc-Bolognese.

Whilst Richard was
battering and deep-frying
everything in sight...

In you go, my wee beauties.

I was organising the guests,

who were now all here and
waiting for the birthday boy.

Ooh, ooh, hello, here it is.

Here it is...

Oh, Countach,

Lancia 832,

There's obviously
some kind of classic
car meeting going on.

Oh, wait a minute.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

You remembered.
Of course we remembered.

Actually,
it's better than that,
we're having a party for you.

No, but, James...

There's a classic car meet
going on.

No, they're your guests.

For your birthday party.

It's a 3.2 as well.
Ohhh.

You have invited
classic car enthusiasts
to my birthday party?

Italian classic car enthusiasts.

-Who will talk
about differentials.
-Yes.

-Production numbers
and chassis numbers.
-Yes, exactly.

I've gotta go
and sort out the music,
so I'll see you in a bit.

Music?
Yeah.

It's a party.

The finishing touch.

Garnish.

Because we eat with our eyes.

As it turned out,
the classic car enthusiasts
were lovely people.

With some even lovelier cars.

Look at that.

D'you know,
I've never driven an 832.

However, talking to them
proved to be quite tricky.

Were they not on their way
to America and then got here
and just thought, this'll...

do.

♪ Happy Birthday

Still, it could be worse.
And then it was.

Because it was time
to sit down for
Richard's Scottish dinner.

Battered spag bol, followed
by a deep-fried cake.

And then,
to round off the evening...

Oh, no.

James made
an interesting speech...

about all the cars I'd owned.

To your ears as car
enthusiasts, is it not?

But quite soon,
Jeremy moved on from
the VW Scirocco GLi mark 1

to a VW Scirocco GTi mark 2.

The registration number
of which was...

Now I've never known whether
you had the manual gearbox

or the first generation
F1 semi-a*t*matic shift.
Which was it...

Very keen for you to know
that it wasn't a CSi,
it was a CSL,

the difference being...

chromed wheel arch extensions

and different wheels, was it?
Or something like
those stripes.

Alpina wheels
and it had aluminium doors.

-Yes, of course,
it had the lightweight...
-b*llet in boot lid.

Ah, but this time the V8 engine.

In dark blue, or was it black?

Does anybody want to guess?

..traditionalist at heart,
as he is today,
drives a VW Golf GTI in grey.

You missed the CLK Black.
Jeremy Clarkson...

The what?
You missed the CLK Black.

No, it's not on this list.
Which researcher put together

this list of Jeremy's cars
through the ages?

You didn't even
write the speech?

Course I didn't.

This is the worst birthday
party I've ever had.

Come on, we made an effort.
Anyway, shall I
get the bagpipes?

The next morning,
we were up and on the road
bright and early.

This is the first April
the 12th since 1972 that
I haven't had a hangover.

Thanks to the world's worst
party organisers, Messieurs
May and Hammond.

Oh, no.

The vibration is back.

Ahh, why can't I do anything?

But despite my problems,
the sun was shining.

And Scotland was
more spectacular than ever.

Hammond has redeemed himself
with this route.

He really has.

Hammond.
Hello, yes?

There's no getting around
the fact that your PENIS

is exactly the right length
and beautiful.

Well, thank you.

Would you agree, James May?

I would, yes.
I hate to have to admit it,
but it's spot-on.

There were now
only 50 miles to go to
the finish point on our loop.

So it felt like a good time
to sum up our wonderful cars.

And Richard's Fiat.

Some cars achieve classic
status because they're rare,

they're thoroughbreds
like those two.

And with that, you have to
accept they'll be delicate,
temperamental.

Some cars
achieve classic status simply
because they're really good.

The X1/9 was good when
it was designed and built
first, and still is today.

Add to that that it cost me
just over £2,000.

Annoyingly, I've had a bit of
a problem with my headlight.

But then
it's developed a squint.

So it... Oh.

I think it looks quite rakish.

Somehow piratical.

"Arrr!" Like that.

Rare, interesting, beautiful -

those are the criteria
by which I think
you should judge

whether or not a car
is a true classic.

It has to be at least two
of those things to qualify.

So let's have a look
at my Lancia.

Well, it's definitely beautiful.

It's a truly superb
bit of car styling, this.

And it's rare.

I had a bit of a root about
online last night

and there are only two of
these Gamma Coupes registered
and on the road in Britain.

And this is one of them.

This is 50% of the whole thing.

When we finish
these jobs normally,
the cars we've used go...

Actually, I've no idea
where they go.

But I know
where this one's going.

My house.

Because this car is just heaven.

Absolute heaven.

Look at it and tell me you
can think of another car

anywhere on Earth
for 10 grand that
you'd like more than this.

Only 11 miles to go now.

Will James May's engine explode?

Apparently sunshine
does cause that.

James May,

do you think it will explode

before we get to Inverness
or just afterwards?

Sooner or later,
you will have to put
your peevishness aside

and admit that I made
the right choice.

Oh-ho, no, you didn't.

Anyway, I wouldn't normally say
this, but I want to say

I'm very proud of you for
mending your prop shaft.

Well done, mate.

Thanks, yes, yes.

Is the car much better now
the vibration's gone?

No.

Yes.
Good.

He's bluffing.

Bidding a fond farewell to
Hammond's magnificent PENIS,

we got back to the town
where we'd started,

Inverness.

Mission accomplished.

Well, there we are. In just
three days, we have covered
a staggering 287 miles.

Well, yours was on
an AA truck for a bit of it.

Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah.

But apart from one
catastrophic failure

that required somebody
to drive from Swindon
in Wiltshire

all the way to Inverness
with a spare part...

Don't forget
that my windscreen wiper
fell off as well.

Yeah, and one of
my headlamps is stuck.

Yeah, but apart from
those things,

we have proved
that it is still possible

to buy and enjoy a classic car

even if you're quite poor.

Yeah, we should be
proud of that.

- Yeah, we should.
- Yeah.

With that,
back to the studio. Tent.

Tent.
Tent.

Cos we're quite poor.
Yes.

Great trip.
Yeah.

It's, um...
Yeah, it was good.

What a trip.
It's funny, isn't it?

It's funny, over the years
we have travelled
the whole world

-looking for
the best driving roads.
-Yeah.

And it turns out, it was just
next door all along.

I have to say, I don't want
to say this in front of our
Scottish producer.

Do not name Gavin Whitehead.

No, I...

I shan't, but
that was just about

the best drive I've ever had.

That road, that scenery,
that Alfa.

That party.
No, not the party.

-OK.
-Everything else was...
Well, it was perfection.

I do agree with you,
I thought it was spectacular,

but we should get back to
the point of this film,

which is that you can buy
an affordable classic car

that is also an investment.

Are you sure you wanna raise
this particular point, James?

Why don't you tell the ladies
and gentlemen how it
worked out with your Lancia?

Well, OK, I spent
13 and a half thousand pounds
on the car

and when I got it home
I discovered the price
of putting it right

was only £6,000.

So, you're investment
has gone down by 45%.

-Correct, yes.
-Mm, now my Alfa,
as I said in the film,

I have brought it home with me.

And since we made that,

which was April, so six
months, nine months ago,

uh, it's only cost £8,000.

In repairs.

So, your investment
has gone down by 80%.

Yes, what about you?
100%.

Really?

Yeah, day after
we finished filming,

the engine blew,
car in the bin, all gone.

So, to conclude, then, s...

All of us have lost
some money and one of us
has lost all of it.

Yes, exactly.
Yes.

And on that terrible
disappointment,

it is time to end.

I'm going home now
in my Alfa Romeo.

No, you're not.

I only live over there.
Yeah, we know.

Exactly, too far.

Whatever. Thanks for
watching, take care,
see you next time. Bye.