03x02 - The Running of the Bullies

[bunniefuu]

Read this, geek.

Has anyone else noticed all the
bullying going on around here?

Jesus Christ, it's like
a Russian disco raid.

Check it out. Check it out.
Dashboard Confessional's

- about to get it.
- Ohh!

[BRITISH ACCENT] The southern
cassowary flaunts his bright plumage,

but his bid for attention has backfired.

His colorful locks have
attracted not a potential mate,

but a hungry predator.

[NORMAL VOICE] What? I've been
bingeing "Earth Planet."

Hey, did you guys know
that penguins are birds?

The new principal better
cr*ck down on this garbage.

Sorry, Fairbell, but you let
bullying get way out of hand.

He's not Mussolini, all right?
It's called free speech, lady.

Exactly. You're just taking it
too personally, sh*t jeans.

Uh, yeah, I am taking it personally.

It's like you've forgotten
how awful bullying is.

Um, no, I never knew. I was
un-bully-able in high school.

Yeah, they called me Teflon Loren.

Bullies couldn't find an angle.

Where is the new principal?

I bet he's closer than you might...

Hey. Hi.

Quinn, you're principal again?

That's right. I a-a-a-am back!

What the hell is he doing?

Yeah, I'm going in.

♪♪

♪ Quit wasting my time ♪

♪ I ain't here for you ♪

♪ I'm just putting in work ♪

♪ Till my day is through ♪

And the Nash Commission
ruled that I did not receive

competent representation
from the law bros,

so my conviction for
solicitation was a-thrown out.

I told you not to hire those idiots.

And as usual, you were E Plurbis
Unim... Right on the money.

Hey, uh, Quinn, where'd they
send you up to this time, huh?

Florence Supermax? [CHUCKLES]

Did you get to meet the shoe bomber?

[LAUGHS] That is a fantastic joke,

and I greatly admire
the bravery in your haircut.

But anyways, I just want
to thank you guys.

I, uh... I think that Smoot High
is in pretty good shape,

especially considering the, um...

Well, just considering.

However... A little disturbing news...

Ms. Logan here has informed me

we might have a little bit
of a bullying problem.

Is that right? Yes, very correct.

Oh, come on, Abbey. It's just
being... you're an alarmist.

There is a bullying problem.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Full of surging hormones,

the young baboons release their
pent-up rage upon one another.

Coach Fairbell,
you weren't making the kids

fight each other, were you?

[NORMAL VOICE] No, we had pack runs,

and I was the boss wolf.

Good, because I have
personally seen the damage

bullying can do
when it's left unchecked.

Sure, it starts as mild teasing.

Then that teasing becomes taunting.

But then it becomes physical bullying.

Then after that, it turns
into... shower bullying...

Horrible... rhythmic... shower bullying.

- Geoffrey!
- Y-Yes. Okay. Yeah, right.

So what we're gonna do is

we're gonna att*ck
this thing at the root.

We are gonna create
Smoot high's first ever

Bullying Awareness Week.

Wait. Awareness Week?
That's all you're doing?

Abbey, nothing sells
a problem like awareness.

And, honestly, I wish more
people were aware of that.

Now, who here wants to join

the anti-bullying faculty committee?!

- No.
- No, I'm good.

I mean, I g... I guess I will.

Anyone here, other than Abbey,
interested in joining?

Okay, there we go. Outstanding.

Hey, somebody let bullying know
its days are numbered.

[SNICKERS]

See, now would anyone
want to prevent bullying

when it's so fun to watch?

Unless, of course, you're on
the receiving end of it,

which I never was.

Not once.

Brady. Present.

Hey, where'd you get your shirt?
At a refugee camp?

[LAUGHTER]

LUCAS: I heard you threw it
in the donation bin,

and the bin threw it back.

- Ohh!
- [LAUGHS]

Nice. Solid teamwork.

Oh, although, Lucas,
your, uh, donation-bin burn

kind of steps on the premise
of Tina's burn,

which is that Brady received
the shirt as a donation.

You see what I'm saying?

You might want to workshop
that a little bit.

Who wants to try one in Español?

Anybody? Yeah, Brett.

Brady shoves los burritos up his butt.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey! No! No! No, sir!

You get out of my classroom
with that garbage.

- What?
- He doesn't shove things up his butt.

- People don't do that. Get out!
- What?

And why would you guys
laugh at that? You're sick.

- And you're the sickest.
- It was just a joke.

A student sodomizing themself
with los burritos is a j...

FAIRBELL: [BRITISH ACCENT]
Elephants in the wild

are known to possess uncanny memories

and often display emotional scars

from events long in their past.

Knock that sh*t off, Fairbell.

You march.

[NORMAL VOICE] If you're
not gonna finish that,

I'll buy it off ya.

Okay. Now, I know that
the button craftsmanship

leaves something to be desired,

but let's try to get these on

so the bullies can see awareness

- is spreading like a wildf...
- Mine broke.

Julie, it is a button, okay?

It's one of the easiest
things to put on.

- You take that metal stabbing thing...
- [SIGHS]

Sorry I'm late, but the button
guy tried to bully me

into paying the agreed-upon price.

Antibu?

The exiled president of Sierra Leone?

No, it stands for "anti-bully."

It's the name of our new movement.

We're more of an ad hoc committee

than a movement, Abbey.

Well, you were right
about this bullying thing.

It's gotten way out of control.
Sit down.

This kid is all yours,

and feel free to go full
Abbey overboard on him, okay?

Well, now, I thought
you were anti-Antibu,

which I guess would be pro-bu.

Well, I guess I changed my mind.

It turns out not bullying
is the way to be.

You hear that, Brett?
It is the way to be.

You see, even Loren agrees
there's a problem,

and he is the biggest
assh*le I've ever met.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
- We need to stop this bullying

problem once and for all.

Okay, I agree, but through
a slow and gradual process

with the incumbent checks and balances.

No, Quinn. We need action. Now!

I nominate Abbey as Chair of Antibu.

Really? Seconds?

I didn't realize that we had ratified

a chairperson-nomination process.

I was literally the chairperson
for three minutes.

Uh, but okay, if that's
what the committee wants.

What's our first line of business?

Well, uh, getting rid of
these stupid buttons, right?

Who made these, anyway?

I did.

So, then the US Government
comes in and says,

"I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg,

but you're not entitled
to freedom of speech."

Sound familiar?

It should because
we're kind of living...

Okay, uh, listen up, people.

I need Chad Gariazo,

Ross Fillner, and Donald McNeely.

- Let's go. Up.
- Whoa, whoa. What's happening here?

Oh, official Antibu business.

These three just earned
themselves a week of suspension.

Whoa. For what?

Chad and Ross were overheard
making nanoagressions

against a sophomore drama student.

Well, w-what did I do?

Nothing yet, but you're listed
as a high risk to offend.

Whoa. So we're... so we're now
punishing these kids

for things they haven't even done?

Look at Donnie's profile.

I mean, wrestling team, remedial math,

plus his parents recently divorced.

- He's a ticking time b*mb.
- They're not divorced.

They're just, you know,
living apart for a little while.

Oh, yeah? Keep telling that
to yourself, bully.

Wait, Abbey, real quick,
uh, George Orwell called.

- Yeah? What'd he say?
- He said you suck. S-Slam.

Okay, bullies, let's go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop. All of you, sit.

You're not gonna come
into my classroom and...

And infringe upon their
First Amendment rights.

No. You're all gonna go out,

and you're gonna tell
everybody in this school

that no bully shall
fear persecution here.

You tell them that room
401 is a safe haven.

Fine. Fine.

As long as they don't
bother the good kids.

Abbey, these are the good kids, okay?

Maybe they just need
a little compassion,

a little moral guidance, ya nutcase.

- What?
- Um, what about us?

Yeah, you should get out of here.

You nerds aren't safe here, okay?

Yeah, none of you are safe in 401.

Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

Our hero returns.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm your hero?

Yeah, you're the first teacher
to actually stick up for us.

Oh, no, that wasn't about you guys.

Hey, where did all the cool jocks go?

You mean those oafish brutes?

They've been herded
into Mr. Shoemaker's room,

where they can bother us
intellectuals no more.

So many things about
Castilian conjugation

I've always wanted to learn.

I've just... I've been afraid to ask.

You are finally free
to teach, kind sir. Ah.

And we are finally free to learn. Hm.

Teach, teach, teach,

[STUDENTS CHANTING "TEACH"]

We're chanting.

[CHANTING CONTINUES] Ugh.

FAIRBELL: [BRITISH ACCENT]
In the absence of predators,

the prey are thriving,

proud to display their true colors

and follow their natural instincts.

You absolutely should've been
told about those deadlines.

Oh, I hope
I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh, actually, Zach here was just
telling me about the ACTs.

What? [LAUGHS] Zach, that is great.

Well, bye-bye. Got to get to class.

Okay. Now, we have never been
formally introduced.

My name is Geoffrey Quinn, and
I am the returning principal.

[CHUCKLES]

Stephen Sweeney.
I'm so glad you're here.

That Fairbell guy
was in way over his head.

He let these three jackasses
convince him it was Arbor Week.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, God. I fell for that
same gag my rookie year.

Ah, aren't they fun?
I call them The g*ng.

I'm sort of an auxiliary member myself.

But enough about them.
We can chat about that later.

I'm actually here to, uh, bend your ear

about some personal issues.

Yeah.

Is that the couch
over there, Herr Freud?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no, I'm not actually a therapist.

Oh, well, the sign says "Stephen
Sweeney, Guidance Counselor."

So how about some guidance, counselor?

Kind of a tight couch here.

- That's because it's a chair.
- Sit all the way down here.

Kind of shuffle...

Oh, God.

It smells like a funeral home
in here, you guys.

Mm, yes. That would be
my scalp medication.

It's finally safe to apply the
full-strength ointment in class,

thanks to you, my liege. Hm?

Ugh.

Ah. Tres huras para nuestro maestro!

- Don't.
- Hurrah, hurrah!

[STUDENTS CHANTING "TEACH"]
Come on, guys. God damn it.

QUINN: And after that day,

Dirty Royce just kept
taking my pancakes...

every morning.

That's probably why I let Abbey
just come in and bulldoze me.

Be honest, doc.
Did I come back too soon?

Well, again, not a doctor at all.

But you got to assert yourself.

I mean, the principal's
the head of the school,

and Abbey has to understand
that she can't relegate you

to a subordinate position.

By Josh, you're right.

I'm going to assert myself,
just like you told me to do.

Thank you, Dr. Sweeney. [CHUCKLES]

ABBEY: I saw it happen. You did nothing.

She gave Alice her chips.
How is that bullying?

That's body shaming.
That's how girls bully.

Uh, Ms. Logan, can I check these out?

I'm sorry. Do you mind?

We're in the middle
of an Antibu meeting.

Ugh. When did this become
nerd central station?

[CHUCKLES]

I really think you're wrong
about those girls, Abbey.

Well, you know what I think, Julie?

I think you're too dumb
to recognize bullying

when you see it.

All those in favor of
kicking Julie out of Antibu,

raise their hands.

Um, hello?

Okay. That's what I thought.

- Buh-bye.
- [GASPS]

Oh, here's some chips
for the road, fatty.

[CRYING]

Abbey, what was that all about?

Julie wasn't Antibu material.

This is a club for people
who want to stop bullying,

not for some crybaby losers
who suck at promoting kindness.

Okay, whoa.

I think you are forgetting what
this is supposed to be about.

First off, it's not a club.
It's a committee.

Okay, well, thanks for
the definition, Mr. Webster.

- [LAUGHTER]
- That's not funny.

And, secondly, I was supposed to
be the head of this committee,

but then you came in, and you took over.

You Dirty Royced me, Abbey.

Yeah, that's because we needed somebody

with the balls to stop bullying,

and that was not gonna
be you, Fruit Loop.

Okay, right there.
Calling me "Fruit Loop."

Many could construe that
as a form of bullying.

You know, Antibu is for teachers only,

and you're an administrator,
so you can leave.

Abbey, you're not a teacher, either.

All those in favor of kicking Quinn

out of Antibu, raise their hands.

- No, no, no, no.
- Okay, you're done.

Uh, why don't you have
any buttons I can pull off?

[CRYING] Because you made me
throw them all away.

Don't forget your chips, tubs.

- [CRYING]
- B-b-b-b-bye.

FAIRBELL: [BRITISH ACCENT]
Sensing weakness,

the female red wolf
will do anything to maintain

her alpha status within the pack,

even going so far as
to att*ck former allies.

Fairbell, I'm gonna put you
on a super-secret

Antibu task force

where you don't hang out
with anyone from Antibu

or tell anyone you're in Antibu.

[NORMAL VOICE] Sounds like
deep black throat ops.

- Okay, go.
- Oh, right. Do I get chips?

Sorry, there's not enough.

Oh, looks good. Now get yourself one.

That's very good, Tina.

You know, y-you give a man
a fish, he'll eat for a day,

but you teach a man to protect his fish,

and he'll eat for like
a few more days or something.

I don't remember how it goes.

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the password?
Man, f*ck your password.

That's it. Correct. Have a seat.

- What's your name?
- Mitch.

Everyone, let's give a warm
401 welcome to Mitch.

Hi, Mitch... the Bitch.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Ohh! Whoo!

[STUDENTS CHANTING "BITCH"]

- Because it rhymes.
- Really?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,

I think you're in the wrong room there.

No, I'm a cyber bully.

- Whoa!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

- Okay. All right.
- Hey, nice throwing, dickwad.

What'd you say, Mitch the Bitch?

- Oh, you heard me right.
- Oh, yeah?

- With your weak-ass hairline.
- Say it again.

Okay, everyone, just calm down. No, no.

I wish you would.

Hey! Hey!

Okay, everybody, calm down.

We're not fighting against each other.

Remember, we're...
We're supposed to be united

against our common enemy,
which is persecution.

- You're next, assh*le.
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

You can't call me assh*le.
I'm, uh, still a...

Let's put those tattoos on his butt.

Ah, let's shave his head.

- You're stupid.
- They're getting stronger.

Well, that didn't even work at all.

They all just laughed at me.

Why is she so mean?

Okay, my job is to help students,

not emotionally fragile administrators.

Oh. So now we're just gonna
talk about your problems.

You know what? Helping students
isn't a problem.

It's what I'm here to do.

As a matter of fact, ever since
that bullying crackdown...

- Awareness.
- Right.

Well, in the last two days,

I've had more students
come into my office

asking me about college
than in the last month.

It's like there's been
an intellectual awakening

here at Smoot.

Is there any chance
we could maybe turn this

back to the client, please?

- Wow.
- Look, once again, I am not the...

Oh. I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
That's our time. What?

But I think we've made
really good progress

towards you solving
your own problems... by yourself.

Yes. You're exactly right.
I need to just help myself.

Dr. S., you are a genius.
You're worth every penny...

if I were paying you.

Just to be clear, I am not paying you.

Okay.

In which case,
it would be "ustedes," okay?

Done.

But, you know, it would be "vosotros,"

if the conversation were
taking place in Spain, right?

- Yes. "Vosotros" in Spain. Duh.
- Not in the Southwest regions.

You know, clearly.
Why is that, Mr. Payton?

Why is what?

Why don't they use impersonal
second-person pronouns

in the Southwest region of Spain?

I don't know, Brady.

Because of Franco
and the Civil w*r, okay?

Can we have a quiz on
the morphological history

of Andalusian Spanish tomorrow?

- Please?
- What? No. I am teached out.

Can we just watch a few episodes
of "Lopez" or something?

- Please?
- Nonsense.

You're the best teacher
in the whole school,

which is why we named
our new D&D wizard after you.

- Come on.
- Ready?

Payton the Satyr.

No. No, thank you. Please.

Maxima intelligencia linguista.

God, can we please dial back
the nerd sh*t?

But we thought you were one of us...

A gentleman and a scholar.

What? Guys, I am
into dope-boy sh*t, okay?

The only reason I even kicked
Brett out in the first place

is because he accused Brady
of shoving burritos up his ass,

and, believe it or not,
I was once a... once a...

victim of a similarly vicious rumor.

[STUDENTS GASP]

What was it?

Mr. Payton, you can tell us.
This is a safe space.

Yeah?

A few kids accused me of shoving
a frozen hot dog up my butt once

and started calling me "Ball Park."

It sucked. It was the worst
month of my entire life.

Luckily, this new dork, Melvin Tarkle,

transferred in around the time.

I was able to shift the heat onto him,

get back to focusing
exclusively on dope-boy sh*t.

Well, we accept you, Sage Orc Ball Park.

- Stop saying "Ball Park."
- Everyone. "Ball Park."

- [STUDENTS CHANTING "BALL PARK"]
- No, don't say...

Guys, no. No, no, don't say that.

- [CHANTING CONTINUES]
- Stop saying Ball Park.

I can't get on the damn WiFi

because these nerds
are doing the "Minecraft,"

the "WarCraft,"
or some kind of damn craft.

They're doing assignments on spec

and then demanding that I grade them.

They're out of control.

Oh, so you're back to being pro-bu?

I have great reasons
for both flip-flops, okay?

Sorry to say, guys, but sounds
like Smoot has a nerd problem.

Antibu deals with bully problems.

And thanks to me, we don't have one.

That is precisely right.

And since we no longer have any bullies,

we no longer have a need for Antibu.

So, Abbey, I will be
relieving you of your duty.

Oh, you think you don't need me?

You losers couldn't find your way...

You are a bully!
You are a power-mad bully!

Everyone knows it!
You know it deep inside!

I'm in charge!

And I am putting you in your place!

Asserting! Asserting!

Give me back my pancakes!

Okay. Okay, Quinn. God.

Okay, all right. Good.

Now let's focus on the nerd problem.

They also keep reminding me
that I put a hot dog up for...

auction on eBay. And why would
they even say that?

It's not even believable, if you ask me.

Ms. Logan, I-I lost control
of the microfiche machine

- and sliced my finger.
- I'm sorry.

I-I-I don't care. Just...

Hate to say it, but I think
I did too good of a job.

Yeah.

Hey, you still selling that hot dog?

Happen to be in the market
for 10 to 12 inches of tube meat

right in the snack box.

That's how you want
to say that, Fairbell?

You want to... You want to
take another cr*ck at that?

Good catch.

I'm looking for a pork push pop
for the old slippery "O."

I don't even know what to do with that.

I don't know how to make it any clearer.

Looking for a food penis
for the face butt.

- Geez.
- Hey... guys.

Can I help you with something?

I want to apologize.

I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry.

We need the bullies back.

Well, well, well,
look how the tables

have turned.

Antibu is no more.

Your bullies are welcome
back with full amnesty.

Look, Shoemaker, the nerds
are getting stronger.

Or weaker. I don't know.

They're just making me work harder.

Wow. So the jack boot
is on the other foot, eh?

Hmm. Kind of odd how you
desperately need

Shoemaker and his bullies.

No, no one needs you,
Shoemaker. Just the bullies.

Because I seem to recall, you
know, all the dehumanization.

You know what, I apologized already.

You don't have to be so smug about it.

Never mind. We'll figure
something else out.

- Thanks for nothing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, stop, stop.
Okay, I'm not being smug.

- [GASPS]
- They tied my ponytail to my underwear.

- Good God.
- I can't nod my head.

Yeah, if I do, I'm afraid
I'm gonna do some real damage.

It's out of control. They're monsters.

You see what I mean?
They turned into apex bullies!

Oh, my God.

Everyone knows this is
Shoemaker's fault, not mine.

- What? Well, you started it.
- It's definitely not my fault.

I never shoved a hot dog up my butt.

Hot dog?

[BRITISH ACCENT]
A gradual re-introduction

of the isolated species
may be the only hope

of repairing this fragile ecosystem.

Okay, what is going here?
Did he hit his head again?

- Yeah, probably.
- Got a spot on your shirt.

- Aah. Ow. Ow. Aah.
- Nice.

Yep. No, it checks out.

Yeah, so, if Mr. Payton
approves of our new system,

we should be able to get through
all three canonical translations

of "Don Quixote" by Veteran's Day.

Spanish Veteran's Day.

Hmm.

What's this?

The formula for measuring
your tiny, little d*ck?

My God, it's like he never left.

Hey, uh, Mr. Payton, what's
Spanish for "elf stomp"?

We'll look it up, son.
We will look it up.

I'm gonna go get these rare Tokaji cards

to the safe space that is my locker.

I think that's a good idea, Brady.

Hmm. I'm not feeling so comfortable
in this shirt all of a sudden.

I think I'm just gonna run
to the gentlemen's room

to t-turn it inside-out.

- Sounds good.
- I big you all adieu.

Ugh. That's right, class.

That horrible little experiment is over.

Starting tomorrow,

things are gonna get back
to normal around here.

But as for now, I want everybody
out of my classroom right now.

Right now. Get the hell
out of my classroom.

Let's go. Move it, you guys.

Release the bullies!

♪♪

They're moving in herds.
They do move in herds.

When meddling with nature makes
their own lives unbearable,

human beings abandon all pretense

of improving their habitat and resort

to their most primitive instinct...

Unbelievable selfishness.

How many episodes of "Earth
Planet" do you have left?

- [NORMAL VOICE] Just one.
- Thank God.

- Then I'm on to season two.
- No.

- Through six... teen.
- I can't do that. No.

They made a bunch of them.

I'm starting to think
this Earth place is pretty big.

- Bigger than Denver.
- Hey, hey, wait.

Somebody cut my ponytail free, please?

Growing up, I was always afraid
of setting my dad off.

Maybe that's why I allow people
to treat me like crap.

God, that's messed up, right?
Are you even listening?

Quinn says you're such a great shrink.

I'm not... Hey, man,
are you telling people...

Everybody, I want to thank you all

for a fantastic Bully Awareness Week.

We raised awareness of just
how important bullies truly are.

Is that what we were trying to do?

We were trying to raise awareness, yes.

And we did that.

So maybe let me have this one, Tam-Tam.

Sorry about your rat tail, bro.

No. Thanks.

Yeah, it belongs to the Earth now.

And by "Earth," I mean Brett.
Yeah, that all sucked.

Although, I suppose I learned
that nerds are kind of like

a Bronco's girlfriend at a night club.

No matter how noble your intentions,

it's best not to get too close.

And I learned that I tend
to get out of hand

when not given enough authority,

and that kids used to call
Loren "Ball Park,"

- which is amazing.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Are you ki... I trusted those nerds.

Yeah, and then you
totally betrayed them.

Yeah, that checks out.

[GRUNTS]

Uh, excuse you.

You Ball Park Payton?

[SCOFFS] Who wants to know?

I'm Mel Tarkle.

Melvin?

- God, you look much stronger.
- Get out of the car.

[CRYING] But I don't want to
get out of the car.

I'm just gonna go.
No, Melvin! No! No, Melvin!

It was about survival!