03x09 - Those Who Could've

[bunniefuu]

Okay, guys, there's five minutes
left in the period,

so you should be finishing up.

Very nice.

Landon, what are you doing?

This is so sloppy.
You can do better. Come on.

You guys, these are
the wedding place cards.

It's the first thing people see.

They judge the entire
reception off of this.

It has to be perfect!
What is this... Señor Dre?

Come on, Tyler, it's Doctor Dre.

'Cause he's a doctor. Of beats.

What? He could show up.

Worst-case scenario... He sends a gift.

Probably headphones.

♪♪

♪ Quit wasting my time ♪

♪ I ain't here for you ♪

♪ I'm just putting in work ♪

♪ Till my day is through ♪

So, then Old Terminator
gives everybody the thumbs-up

when they're lowering him into the lava,

so you know he's gonna be okay.

Good morning, people.

Listen up. I have some good news.

Root beer in the water fountains?

No.

The Denver State University
Education Department

has finally reinstated us

into their student-teacher program.

Yes!

I-It's wonderful that we get to mentor

these lovely young teachers, and...

And it's... it's all good.

It's all good.

That five-year ban really flew by.

I was surprised
it wasn't a lifetime ban.

Anyway, Quinn has assigned
student teachers to many of you.

Wait. Hold on, Tammy.
We get student teachers?

Well, for some reason,
Quinn seems to think

that they'll have
a positive effect on you.

They say that mentoring can be as good

for the mentor as the mentos.

- No one says that.
- Mm-hmm.

Anyway, these young teachers
will be here tomorrow,

and they're here pro bono, so, please,

show these young teachers

what actual, professional
teaching looks like.

Hopefully, someone will
have shown you by then.

I feel like that was directed at us.

This is bullshit! Okay?

I can't teach how I teach.

You guys know I work alone.

I play by my own rules,

and I don't need some hot-sh*t rookie

coming from downtown,
telling me how it's done.

Okay, Shoemaker,
if you could stop quoting

Steven Seagal for one second,

you'd realize that the district
is literally handing us

free assistants with this thing.

Embrace it, man.

I, for one, am very excited.

I get to finally mentor
a new generation of librarians.

And who knows? Maybe
I'll find some hip, cool,

awesome college student
to hang out with.

I can finally go to the Burning Man.

- The Burning Man.
- Mm.

Black Rock City with...

Agnes Butterpenny.

Well, this is awesome.

I've heard you can pin
your entire course load

on these saps, which will
give me plenty of time

to continue planning my wedding.

It's become a full-time job
at this point.

We all know
you've never had one of those.

Okay, I told you I worked two summers

at Lady Foot Locker,
and I worked my ass off.

You were a part-time stock boy,

and you were fired
for smelling women's shoes.

[WHISPERING] I told you that in private.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

I was busy interviewing florists.

Last one couldn't tell
a carnation from a peony.

Dipshit.

So, you're my student teacher?

Yes, Mr. Payton. Cory Mitchell.

Very nice to meet you.

Yeah, that checks out.

All right, listen, here's the deal.

I'm basically the coolest
teacher here at Smoot.

And the kids all love me, so
I expect nothing less from you.

- Absolutely, sir.
- Nice.

Keys to teaching. First, your outfit.

Yeah. Okay. Well, beginner's luck.

Second, your hair.

Oh. Pretty thick. Good for you.

Step three, and this is
by far the most important.

- What is it?
- Breath.

Think you can do sh*ts
under the tongue?

Doubt it. Watch and learn.

[SPRAY HISSES]

[SPRAY HISSES]

[COUGHS]

[SPRAY HISSES] [COUGHS]

[SPRAY HISSES]

[SPRAY HISSING] [COUGHS]

[COUGHING]

[SPRAY HISSES]

That easy.
Now watch me command this room.

What up, mis estudiantes?

[THUD, LAUGHTER]

What the hell?!

Who did that?! Not cool!

Not cool at all to sh**t spitballs

at your new student teacher like that.

Good thing I was here to block it.

You're welcome, bro.

I'm not exactly sure
that's what happened.

Oh, no. Trust me.
This is by far my worst class.

I keep telling Quinn
I can't do remedial.

They're unreachable.

And yet, here we are. Here we are. Ugh.

Why don't you just start
the lesson plan up?

I got silverware to pick out.
It's a whole wedding thing.

Okay, Señor Payton. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Hola, amigos.

TOGETHER: Hola.

¿Ustedes piensen que el español
es solamente de vocabulario

y gramática, sí?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Me llamo Cory.

- Wow.
- [STUDENTS MURMURING]

Okay, all right.
No, no, no. That's enough.

It's Señor Mitchell, as far
as you guys are all concerned.

Hey, Cory, we use last names here.

This is a high school, not a CarMax.

BILLY: Ah. Mr. Shoemaker?

Let's get a couple things
straight right off the bat.

Number one, I don't babysit.

Number two, things move pretty
quick around here. You feel me?

So you either keep up,
or you get out of the way.

- Am I clear?
- Crystal.

Great. Now, that bell is gonna
ring in about two minutes.

What do you have for my kids today?

Well, I know you're super into
th-century labor disputes,

so I thought we'd start off

with the Canut Worker Revolt of .

It's never been
more relevant than today,

and quite frankly, sir, I got
a lot to say about that sh*t.

Yeah. Yeah, I-I'm sorry.

Uh, what did you say your name was?

I didn't.

Ah. Nice to meet you, Willow M...

My God, is that a Capitalist
Emulsification tattoo?

- Are you a fan?
- Yeah.

It's the first punk show I ever went to.

My mom took me when I was .

So your mom was a Cap Head, huh?

- Probably a r...
- No. She hated it.

Thought it was gonna be a ska show.

Got the nights all mixed up.
But I loved it.

Wow. Yeah. You know, um, I...

They were terrible.
But I think that was on purpose.

You know, kind of a
performance-art kind of a thing.

No. I mean, I think there was
some of that, but I think...

So, let's get to teaching.

- Oh, um...
- I'll take the front.

- Yeah.
- You stay back here.

[LAUGHS]

Telling me what to do and everything.

♪♪

Okay, class, this is Craig,
our new student teacher.

He's on the Denver State University

college basketball team.

D-I. Best of the best.

Basically the girls' JV
Volleyball of college athletics.

- Can you dunk?
- Yeah.

[GASPS] Seriously?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Okay, well, we were
gonna do jumping jacks,

but, instead, dunk fest, starring Craig.

♪ Dunk it, dunk it, dunk it ♪

♪ Get it in the hoop ♪

♪ Dunk it ♪

♪ Dunk it, dunk it ♪

[STUDENTS CHEERING] YOUNG WOMAN: Wow!

He's like a machine!

♪ Dunking machine ♪

Oh! [SCREAMS] [STUDENTS CHEERING]

- And here we are. This is our library.
- Oh.

And this is Abbey Logan, our librarian.

Oh, hey, Tammy. How you ladies doing?

Just waiting for my new student teacher.

Abbey, this is Agnes Butterpenny.

Hello, dear.

Uh, I [CHUCKLES]

Uh, you're Agnes?

- I-Is something wrong?
- No.

I-I just thought that
Agnes was an old name

that they suddenly made new again.

[LAUGHING] Oh. It never went away, dear.

Oh, should I start putting the newspaper

in the wooden holders?

Wow. Uh...

Why don't you just take
a... a seat, Agnes, over there?

Oh.

Can I have a word with you?

I thought I was supposed
to have one of those cool,

young, college-student librarians.

You're lucky to even have her.

They're discontinuing
the librarian program

- after this year.
- What?! Discontinuing?!

Mm-hmm. I hate to
break it to you, Abbey,

but young people are no longer studying

to be librarians like they once did.

Or probably ever did.

Are you saying...

that I might be...

the last of the librarians?

Well, yeah.

If you manage to outlive Agnes.

[LAUGHS]

[SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, my God.

- This one?
- Yeah, that one.

♪♪

- Well, this sucks.
- Mm.

Cory's clearly jealous of me

and intent on doing anything
he can to show me up.

Smug, young, handsome jerk.

At least he's young.

Agnes is like years old,

and she's absolutely
worthless in the library.

It takes her forever
to put the books back.

- Well, mine's great.
- What'd you just say, Shoemaker?

Nothing. No.

I said she's fine. She'll do.

She's kinda lame,
but I'll get through it.

Yeah, that's more like it.

Well, Craig can do stuff

I've literally never seen
a human being do before.

Yeah, that could be anything, Fairbell.

You call that clean? Tell me something.

Can you see your face in the Solara?

Can you see your face in the Solara?!

Well, then wax it again!

Hey, Leslie, you got a second?

Yeah. What's up?

Well, first of all, sweet Solara.

- Yeah, right?
- Second of all,

how'd you get
your student teacher to do that?

- Do what?
- You know, be your personal

servant and stuff?

Oh, this is your first time.

- Yeah.
- Here's the deal.

You tell them you're gonna
give them a bad evaluation

if they don't do everything you want.

But those evaluations are meaningless.

They don't know that.

Look at this.

LOREN: Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t!

You just thr*aten them
with a fake evaluation.

- That is so brilliant!
- All right, pipe down!

You're gonna ruin it for everybody.

- Sorry.
- We all know it's bogus,

but they think
their career depends on it.

Career?

What do you mean... teaching?

Yeah. Can you believe that?

[LAUGHTER]

[ALL SIGH]

All right, watch this.

Hey, kid.

End over end.

"End over end." What is that?

Oh, my God. Did you see that?

All right, now go get a new bucket.

- Wow.
- He didn't even question her.

LOREN: You guys, Leslie is a genius.

We could have our own personal robots.

[GASPS]

Robot. Oh, come on.

Oh. Should someone tell him
they're not actual robots?

No, no, no.
Let's see how this plays out.

♪♪

♪♪

What the hell is this?

Cory!

What is it?

I asked for crumb cake.

This is very clearly coffee cake.

Do you even know the difference?

- I don't think I do, sir.
- Oh, my God.

It's this exact lack
of attention to detail

that is going to force me
to give you a bad evaluation.

No! I'm so sorry!

I-I didn't have time to go
to your preferred bakery

'cause I was too busy picking out

your wedding tablecloth samples.

Are you kidding me?

I wouldn't wipe your ass
with these samples, Cory!

- You're gonna wipe my ass?
- Just get some more samples!

Oh, and be sure to call
the Botanic Gardens

to confirm my reservation, too, okay?

Should I use the credit
card you gave me? Okay.

Oh, Cory, one more thing.

I'm gonna need you
to crab-walk out of here.

Just because.

Let's go. Get to it.

♪♪

That's a good boy. There you go.

♪♪

[LAUGHS]

You're not even going
to exchange this thing?!

♪♪

My Jerry and I were
pen pals during the w*r.

Oh, those letters.

We finally met when it ended.

Oh, that's so romantic.

I have an online pen pal myself,

but meeting is strictly
against the rules.

Oh, don't be foolish. Meet him.

There's no substitute for face-to-face.

[CHUCKLES] That's so true.

Unless it's mouth-to-butt.

Can I help you with those?

No.

I wouldn't be much of
a librarian if I couldn't do...

Aah! Oh, my... Oh! [GROANING]

LOREN: Jesus, Abbey!

Pump the brakes a little bit.

This isn't Westworld.

Well, I... She just fe... fell.

Oh, my God.

Cory, come on!

♪♪

Okay, CR-a G, set me down right here.

[LAUGHS] Class, watch this.

This CR-a G unit
can do just about anything.

CR-a G, what's the weather today?

- Partly cloudy.
- [LAUGHS]

Well, it's a good thing
I'm wearing a light jacket.

CR-a G, what time is it?

- : .
- [LAUGHS]

This technology is so amazing,

I threw my phone
in the river this morning.

Technology?

[WHISPERING] It's programmed
to think it's a human being.

It's pretty sad.

♪♪

Willow. What are you doing?

Mr. Shoemaker. I built you
a new crib for your baby.

That's incredible.

She's just been sleeping
in an old grill we converted.

Why would you do this?

Well, I want to get a good evaluation.

I heard some of the others talking about

how you got to go above and beyond.

You know, I didn't want
to risk my career.

- Who told you that?
- I'd rather not say.

Is this... Is this gonna
affect my evaluation?

What? Willow, no. Willow, look at you.

So young and idealistic.

Motivated by a love
of history and rebellion.

Tattoos poking out from
the bottoms of your sleeves.

You're like a young... me.

You're... frightening me.

[SIGHS]

I can't do it anymore.

I can't lie to you. You're not a robot.

You're a living,
breathing almost-teacher.

Evaluations are meaningless.

We only told you that they mattered

so you'll do everything that we say.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Y-You can't say anything
to anybody about this.

I've been here for hours
building this crib!

You don't know
how high up this goes, okay?

This is part of a sacred teachers' code.

For the safety of both of us,
you cannot tell anyone!

What? That you're enslaving
student teachers for free labor?

Not me, per se.

I'm more part of a group thinker and...

LOREN: Mr. Shoemaker.

Hello.

I was going to invite you
to race your student teacher

against the rest of ours,

but... it appears this one
isn't properly broken yet.

Oh, she's properly broken.

- Perhaps we could chat...
- Let's see about that.

Willow, is it? Fetch me a cup of coffee.

Almond milk, organic sugar,

and then, once you've done that,
just throw it in Cory's face.

Get f*cked. [SCOFFS]

Excuse me?

Run, Willow! Run like the wind!

What have you done, Shoemaker?
This is bigger than us.

This is about the future
of our profession.

Profession?

What do you mean... teaching?

Well, yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH SIGH]

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

CRAIG: "Evaluations are meaningless"?

[SIGHS]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Okay, CR-a G, carry me to my car.

My name's Craig, dumb-ass!

[LAUGHS] This isn't my car.

Robot! Get back here!

Robot! Power down!

Robot!

♪♪

Hey, I don't remember
giving you permission to sit.

Although, it appears
you've finally figured out

what a crumb cake is.

[SCOFFS]

[MUFFLED] Sorry, Chief.

The tables have turned.

Excuse me?

[GULPS]

[NORMAL VOICE] The tables have turned.

We know the truth.

The evaluations are meaningless.

Oh, well, look, Cory,
I don't know where you heard...

I'm talking!

What's not meaningless
is the systematic abuse

of student teachers by Smoot faculty,

which we will report,

and you'll be permanently
banned from the program

if you don't do whatever we say.

God. You preppy piece of sh*t.

[CHUCKLES] Strike one.

[SIGHS]

Fine! What do you want?

Well, for starters...

these are your wedding tablecloths.

No!

No!

Not the taffeta.

♪♪

And then, at the turn of the century,

all the greedy,
tyrannical industrialists

exploited their hardworking laborers

until the laborers
realized they had power.

But not all industrialists
are, uh, bad guys.

Some are pretty cool, you know,

and did a lot to help the
proletariat find their freedom.

Hashtag "not all industrialists."

Oh, really?

Like who, Billy?

Oh, well... well, uh...

DuClaude TiffanderThiessen
comes to mind.

Uh-huh.

Okay, class, your assignment
is to write a report on...

Who was that again?

Oh, Christ, this is...

Hmm?

DuClaude TiffaniAmberThiessen.

That's the name you're going with?

- Uh...
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Oh! Saved by the bell!

[LAUGHS]

They can replace the catalog.

They can even take away the books.

But they'll never find a computer

that can do what a librarian can do.

That is so wise, Agnes.

Thank you.

Listen,

I've been meaning to tell you,

I'm sorry for asking you

to carry those kind of
heavy books the other day.

Oh, it's my fault.

I thought I could manage it.

But my hips don't lie.

I've never seen two hips
simultaneously dislocate.

Well, librarianing ain't
for the faint of heart, missy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You're telling me.

My George used to say that about combat.

He wrote me letters during the w*r.

Wasn't it Jerry?

Different w*r, dear.

Oh, look at this.

She's got you wheeling her around

in some sort of wheeled chair

like a g*dd*mn princess.

I broke every bone in her body!

I wish I was as sadistic as you are.

Maybe then the student teachers
wouldn't have rebelled.

I've got too big a heart.

It's always been my Achilles' heel.

Now we're gonna need
a new plan entirely.

Emergency meeting, after school.

CR-a G, voice command,
override password.

Where is your reset button?

Right there. Oh! Oh!

[SIGHS] He can't be bargained with.

He can't be reasoned with.

Okay, emergency meeting, after school.

What's with the 'tude? Oh.

Okay, we got to get rid
of those stupid student teachers

before they ruin our reputation
across the entire industry.

Industry? You mean teaching?

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

It's funny to say "industry" about it.

[ALL SIGH]

Okay, first thought.
And this is a bad pitch.

We just frame them
for sleeping with students.

- No, that's hack.
- Been done.

- Hack.
- Like a nap?

I said it was a bad pitch.

[GASPS] Ooh, I have an idea!

What if we get
Gretchen the computer whiz

to hack into CR-a G's
mainframe and turn him good?

Oh, my God.

- Good pitch. [LAUGHS]
- Mm.

Fairbell, I feel like
it's time you knew the truth.

You're a total dipshit.

- Mm-hmm.
- They say the truth hurts.

I don't want anything bad
to happen to Agnes.

I just want her out of
the library for her own safety.

Oh, that's it. I got it!

I-It's so obvious. The truth.

If we want to get rid
of the student teachers,

we have to tell them the truth.

- What?
- Are you serious?

The truth is what got us
into this whole mess.

And it's gonna get us out.

Remember the old Samantha Switch-A-Roo?

- Huh, bud?
- Oh, sure.

Ohh!

- No.
- No.

- No.
- No.

What do you mean, "no"?
It was your idea.

You're the one that came up with it.

Oh, the book.

I thought you were talking
about a person you knew

whose last name was Switch-A-Roo.

You think I know somebody
with the last name Switch-A-Roo?

- It's a cool name.
- Where the hell would they be from?

- It is not a cool...
- I would be telling everyone

if I knew someone with
the last name Switch-A-Roo.

You know what? You know what? I
want you to look me in the eye.

You got a good lock? I'm gonna k*ll you.

I am gonna k*ll you. I can't stand this.

I can't do this anymore.

♪♪

Hello. You guys said
you wanted to see us?

We got notes you wanted to see us.

LOREN: Oh, congratulations.

Looks like somebody just fell
for the Samantha Switch-A-Roo.

[LAUGHTER]

So I guess you guys
don't know everything

there is to know
about teaching yet, do you?

Now, please, take a seat.

Weird.

- Let's go.
- Go ahead.

Just a little presentation
we prepared for you.

But I think you'll find it was worth it.

So, you want to be a teacher, huh?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[ALL GASP] Oh, my God.

What is that? Look at it!

Take it all in, okay?

This picture on the left
is from the first day

I ever started teaching.

This other picture on the right,
yeah, it's from this morning.

[GAGS]

Fairbell.

It's so stark when
you see it side by side.

- Hard to look at.
- You did great.

ANDY: That's my office.

It's actually a toilet,
which is super-convenient.

I can just be thinking,
take a break, have a little pee,

go right back to thinking.

Obviously, you all being robots,

you don't have to
worry about bathrooms.

Okay, thank you, Fairbell.

- But if you did have...
- Thank you. Very useful.

- Get out of here.
- Um...

I don't really have
anything to say, except...

Agnes, please, please,
please, for your health,

don't be a high school librarian.

I don't think you're quite up to it.

Doctor says in six to eight months,

- I'll be ready to go!
- Go where?

He didn't say.

- Agnes.
- Take a minute.

Take a minute. Just have a minute.

In the meantime...

Huh?

That is my checking-account balance.

What are those negative numbers?

Oh, those negative numbers?
That's my (K)!

Yeah, I owe Merrill Edge $ , .

Here, take this.
I can't even look at them.

So, any questions? Huh?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Boom.

- Thank you.
- Oh!

I told you, she's a smart one.

It is a good presentation. You're right.

- We crushed it.
- Okay, this is condescending.

Yeah. I got a question.

You guys think we don't
know this already?

We're studying to be
teachers, not bankers.

The problem with you Smoot teachers

is, you're all close-minded,
cynical losers.

I'm engaged to marry a prost*tute, Cory,

so you might want to rethink that, okay?

We're not here for money.

We can live in cool vans or tiny houses.

We're here to disrupt the
education industrial complex.

To rethink teaching in ways

that have only been
seen in documentaries.

So you either need to keep up
or get out of the way.

Come on, guys.

Let's go inspire.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

She really is the perfect me.

God bless those
idealistic Millennials.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe this is what
I was talking about...

The mentors becoming the "Mentos."

Oh, Fairbell, those are dishwasher pods.

Maybe there is some wisdom

in just accepting defeat, you know? Mm.

[CHUCKLES]

The Freshmaker.

TAMMY: Thank goodness
some anonymous tipster

revealed the truth about these
sleazebag student teachers.

Spoiler! I was still reading it.

See? This is way better
than just accepting defeat.

When you're right, you're right.

But now we are being blamed for
not properly supervising them,

and they're banning us
for another years!

years. We could do years
standing on our heads.

- Totally.
- Not me.

My record is four minutes.
Then I pass out.

I knew you assholes
couldn't be trusted with this.

- Trusted with what?
- Nothing.

- Nothing.
- I don't know.

Trusted with what, Leslie?!

[WHISPERING] She knows about the robots.

You know, I got to admit,
though, I feel kind of bad

that Willow will never be
allowed back into the business.

The business? You mean teaching?

- Yeah.
- Dude, nobody calls it that.

It's kind of funny, huh?

- Yeah. It's kind of funny.
- The business.

To call teaching the business is funny.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH SIGH]

So, Agnes, I have a surprise!

Drumroll, please.

It's your library certificate!

Look, you graduated!

And, to celebrate, I was thinking...

And this might be a little
out of your comfort zone...

But you, me, Burning Man.

What do you say, Agnes?

Agnes?

Agnes?

Agnes?!