09x07 - Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe you've managed
to stay in this house.

You're like a human barnacle.

Thanks, Mom.

I wasn't putting you down, sweetheart.
It's good that you have a skill.

You come for a reason
or to insult me?

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

-Mom.
-Charlie's bank contacted me.

Seems he had
a secret safe-deposit box.

I knew he had to have something
squirreled away.

-I went right down there to check it out.
-What was in it?

-Cash? Diamonds? Krugerrands?
-Wipe your mouth. You're drooling a little.

-Sorry.
-I was surprised by what was in there.

-Oh, tell me, tell me.
-I'll do better than that.

Here. I'm pretty sure
he wanted you to have this.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
I knew you'd look out for me, big bro.

What the hell is this?

Charlie's journal.

-Charlie kept a journal?
-Your brother was a very complex man.

Perhaps he needed a safe place
to express his deepest emotions...

...and innermost thoughts
or some such nonsense.

No. No, no cash, dear.
Already checked.

Of course not. Why leave cash
to your impoverished brother...

...when you can leave
your alcohol-muddled thoughts?

Yay.

"To whom it may concern,
if you are reading this...

...it means either my heart or lungs
finally gave out.

Or I rejected my new liver.

Or my brother
wouldn't give me a piece of his.

Or I choked on my own vomit,
or somebody else's.

Or some crazy chick pushed me
in front of a bus." Oh, so close.

Well, I hope reading it brings you
some comfort and closure.

You're sure that's all
that was in the safe-deposit box?

-Yes.
-So my brother went to the bank...

...and rented a safe-deposit box
just for this journal?

-It would appear so.
-That makes no sense.

He intimated on many occasions...

...that he had some cash
stashed away for emergencies...

...you know, like getting a hooker
after an earthquake.

Sweetheart, you have to stop
living in the past.

What's done is done.

Start looking forward.

I guess you're right.

-Is that a new watch?
-No.

You have your whole life
ahead of you.

And the fact is, you and l
are all that's left of this family.

Well...

...pfft, you, me and Jake.

Hey, Grandma.

[BURPS]

Whoa, I thought that was coming out
the other end.

You're right. It's just you and me.

-That looks like a man's Cartier.
-It's a knockoff.

My point is, with Charlie gone...

...you and I have to learn how to help
and support one another no matter what.

Gee, that would be great, heh.

You were always the good son.

Now you're my only son.

Oh, Mommy.

EVELYN:
Oh, Walden, how nice to see you.

It's a miracle I'm not a transsexual
on Dancing with the Stars.

I must tell you, Walden, it's so nice
to finally see someone in this house...

...who surfs for something
other than p*rn.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I love the ocean.

Just you alone with your thoughts.

Time standing still,
at peace with the entire universe.

Plus you can pee in it
and nobody knows.

Charming.

Actually I'm glad you stopped by. Unh.

Do you know a good interior designer?

Oh, as a matter of fact,
I know a great one.

"Evelyn Harper Interior Design."
I thought you were a real estate agent.

I am. I'm also a building inspector,
mortgage broker...

...notary public and a bail bondsman.

A bail bondsman?

Admittedly, that business
has slowed down since my son d*ed.

Getting back to your needs...

...what did you have in mind
in terms of redecorating?

Ugh, I don't know.
I just want my home to reflect who I am.

And who are you?

I got a buttload of money,
but I'm a pretty simple guy.

I like people,
but I don't entertain a lot.

Oh, I'm not a neat freak,
but I don't like clutter.

Oh, and the most important thing is I want
the house to use green renewable energy.

-Like solar power and wind power.
-Hmm.

Unless Brookstone comes out
with a home nuclear reactor...

... because, come on,
who wouldn't want one of those?

"A buttload of money."

You're in good hands.

This journal is unbelievable.

-Aren't thinking of publishing it, are you?
-What? Of course not. Why?

Well, I'm shopping around
my own Charlie memoir.

It's called Man Whore.

It's catchy, heh.

But there was more to Charlie
than we thought. Uh, listen to this.

Um, "l just sent a girl home
who told me she loved me...

...and I can't even remember
her name.

What is wrong with me that I just
have anonymous drunken encounters?

Do I drink to fill the loneliness
or to hide from the horror I've become?"

Um, ugh, I feel awful that
I lived with him for so long...

...and I didn't recognize his pain.

"l remember. Her name is Rachel.
I feel better now.

I'll reward myself with some cocaine
and an Asian hooker."

So remember, the key to balancing
the equation is to place coefficients...

...in front of each reactant and product
so that all the atoms balance.

[SNIFFS]

I bet you shower every day.

We're supposed to be studying
for the chemistry midterm.

I'd rather study our chemistry.

Lame.

Really?
I thought it was a double intendo.

Hey, guys. What you studying?

-Chemistry.
-Cool.

Looks like you two
have a little chemistry.

Heh, that's so clever.

[CHUCKLES]

-I'm Megan.
-Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm Walden.

Oh, are you the Walden
that bought the house?

Yeah, how many Waldens
have you met lately?

Heh, that's so funny. Ha.

And I'm lame.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

I'll let you two get back
to your chemistry.

Bye, Walden.
It was nice meeting you too.

You know, if he hooks up with you,
he goes to jail.

I'd wait for him.

ALAN:
"Peed blood again this morning.

Should I be worried?"

As it turns out, no.

We have to get rid of Walden.

-We do?
-Oh, yeah, he's gotta go.

Does it occur to you
that this is his house...

...and if anybody goes,
it's gonna be us?

Actually, no.

What's the problem?

He's stealing my girlfriend.

I thought she was your tutor.

Would I have asked for a tutor
if I didn't have a--?

What do you call it, interior motive?

Go on.

She's only interested
in glomming onto Walden.

If it makes you feel any better, my
mother likes him more than she likes me.

Why would that make me feel better?

I honestly don't know.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Is this what I have to look forward to?

Losing girls to smarter,
better-looking men?

Ugh, well, think of it this way. You're
carrying on a proud family tradition.

-Hello, dear.
-What's all this?

Oh, didn't you know?
I'm helping young Thor redecorate.

I hope that's all you're doing.

Whatever do you mean?

He's tall, he's handsome,
he's vulnerable...

...and you're old enough
to be his ancestor.

Relax, Alan. The only thing I wanna pull
out of that boy's pants is his wallet.

-You sure?
-Believe me, I have no ulterior motive.

Uh, I believe that's "interior," Grandma.

You really should get that boy a unicycle
and some juggling pins.

Evelyn, cool, you're here.
Uh, could you come on up?

There's some things I want you to do
in my bedroom.

Give the customer what he wants.

Okay, to start with,
I want gray Carrara marble counters.

A steam shower.

Oh, and can we get
one of those fancy Japanese toilets...

...that sprays water
and cleans your tushy?

With your money, you could afford
an actual Japanese person to do it.

See what you can find.

Okay, in here,
I would like to replace the bed frame...

...the curtains, the dresser,
the end tables and the lamps.

All right. What would you like
to replace them with?

Um....

A cooler bed frame,
cooler curtains, cooler dresser...

...cooler end tables and cooler lamps.

Cooler. I'm on it.

Uh, now, would you like to repaint?

Hey, can I have walls that
change color depending on my mood?

No.

But we could paint them white and get
you an industrial-strength antidepressant.

That will work too.

-Would you like to keep the camera?
-What camera?

Aah!

Awesome. I'm on TV.

Hello. I am so keeping that.

All right, heh, anything else?

Can I have a Jacuzzi on the balcony?

Because I'm single now.

So I'm gonna be having sex
with a lot of women I haven't met yet.

Ooh, I just got an idea.

Just out of curiosity,
what kind of women are you attracted to?

There's my wife.

Oh, and there's women
who look like my wife.

That's very romantic.

Oh, and Ellen DeGeneres.

I don't know if it's the slacks
or the way she dances.

It's hot.

You're up early.

Charlie's journal. I can't stop reading it.
Listen to this.

"My brother's kid showed up today.
He's kind of cute.

No way he's really Alan's kid.

And best of all, he's smart as a whip.

I think he's got a very bright future."

Oh, that just breaks my heart.

Yeah, we were all so young
and naive then.

-Hey.
-Hey.

What? I took a huge dump.

No way he's really my kid.

You look very pretty today.

Jake, I'm here to study.

The test was yesterday.
I already failed.

Hey, guys.

-Ugh, hey, Walden.
-Here we go.

Oh, Megan,
you look very pretty today.

Thanks. You look pretty too.

Thank you.

Where are you going?

Oh, I am going furniture shopping
with Jake's grandma.

Oh, I love furniture.

And grandmas.

Cool.

See you.

See you.

Okay, Megan,
I know what's going on here...

...and I really don't appreciate--

What's that about?

-I don't know. I'm just in the mood.
-Okay.

-Come on.
-Okay.

-Where are we going?
-To your room.

Okay.

Hello, gorgeous.

Did you miss me?

Because I sure missed you.

Let me pull this thing out of you.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Are you gonna turn your car off?

I did.

Might need service.

Sadly, that's where I just came from.

[ENGINE CLANKS]

You know what's great
about my electric car?

What?

I just turned it on.

Sweet. So where you headed?

Uh, going to pick up your mom.
We're going furniture shopping.

Okay, well, just a little heads-up before
you journey to the caves of Mordor.

My mother has what you might call
a, uh, proclivity for younger men.

-You mean she's like a cougar?
-No, she's not like a cougar.

She's the mother of all cougars.

So kind of an ?ber-cougar?

A super-duper ?ber-cougar.

You think a bit of better butter
would make her bitter batter better?

-What?
-I just like saying that.

Walden, I'm serious here.

Heh. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna hook up with your mom.

Yeah, if I had a dime for every time
I heard that, I'd have $3.60.

I mean, I know that doesn't
sound like a lot, but it is 36 times.

That's a very weird thing
to keep track of.

A lot of free time.

Trust me, nothing's gonna happen.

Okay, but try not to hurt her feelings.

I mean, she may be
a rapacious sexual predator...

...but she breaks just like a little girl.

Understood.

Oh, hey, check it out.

I got voice control.

Lights on.

Radio on.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO]

Back up.

Bye.

Well, you may not be pretty
or expensive...

...but you get me where I wanna go, heh.

Thank you for walking me to my door.

You don't meet many gentlemen
nowadays.

WALDEN: You're welcome.
Is that a camera? Hello.

Would you like to come in
for a drink before you go?

-I should probably get going.
-What's your hurry?

I just think that we should keep our
relationship business and not "business."

Oh, my goodness, heh.
Do you think I'm hitting on you?

Well, Alan did say
that you're an ?ber-cougar.

An ?ber-cougar?

A super-duper ?ber-cougar.

[GROWLS]

Oh, my Lord.
Now, you listen to me, young man.

My son has some serious issues
and he tends to imagine things.

Believe me, I have no carnal designs
on you whatsoever.

-Really?
-For God's sake, Walden.

I'm old enough to be your mother.

Assuming a teenage pregnancy,
of course.

Okay. Sure, I'll have a drink.

Are you gonna tell Alan?

I'm gonna tell everyone.

ALAN: "Alan moved in with his
girlfriend yesterday.

How stupid is she?

Oh, well. Doesn't matter.

Like a nonspecific urinary infection,
I'm sure he'll be back before long.

Truth be told, I actually kind of miss
the jug-eared freeloader.

How stupid am I?"

I don't believe it.

He loved me, heh.

My brother loved me.

ALAN: "Speaking of stupid,
today I bought a $100,000 Cartier watch.

But I'm afraid to wear it,
so I'll keep it in my safe-deposit box. "

Son of a bitch.

That was-- That was great.

Just great. Thank you so much.

-Hey.
-Hey.

How'd it go with my mom?

Fine, fine.

Just shopped for furniture.

Rugs, chairs and tables.

-Nice.
-Armoires, ottomans...

...curtains, recliners,
love seats, throw pillows.

Okay, good night.

Oh, yeah, she did him.

Bye. Thanks again.

Hey, dude, how you doing?

Fantastic. I love you, man.

Thanks.

What an affectionate family.