I think, basically,
we're just circling back,
so we can make sure that
we've nailed down our best
- reach, targets, and safeties.
- Cool beans.
That said, why don't we table
schools and change focus a bit?
Oh, his-his calc grades?
I know that they'd slipped,
but I've been working with him a bunch.
And I think his last two scores,
- they were... they were up.
- And I've been yelling at him a lot.
No, no, no.
His grades are solid.
It's his college essay that
may be a tad problematic.
"Higher Education
Scandal of the 21st Century."
He actually makes
some cogent points.
The passage likening
adjunct professors to
"getting surgery from the guy
who mops up the O.R."
was sublime, but it's really
the general hostility
and recurrent f-bombs
that may scare off
your targets and safeties.
Not that he won't get in somewhere.
I may have some pull at my old
alma mater, Shippensburg.
Nice little town. You like cows, Tom?
- Are you out of your frickin' mind?
- I'm just being honest.
I'm really not into the idea
of college right now.
You don't have to be into
the idea of college now, genius.
You have till September
to kindle that flame.
You're gonna write another essay
immediately, do you hear me?
Totally dead serious.
What, "Scandal of the 21st..."
When did you suddenly
become such a cynic?
I'm allowed to have a free mind!
Then use it to pull
your head out of your ass!
Okay, I have class.
- Of course.
- No college, no car.
I don't understand
where this is coming from.
- Did I miss something?
- No. This is shiny and brand new.
I mean, is he under the delusion
that college is optional?
I don't think so. But I think we should
give him some space.
Because if we ride him now,
he's just gonna dig in more.
Oh, no, I disagree completely.
I think we need to ride
him now immediately.
Those deadlines are coming up.
It's our job as parents
to kick the door down
and lob in tear gas.
Possibly true, but let's be realistic.
I looked into his face back there,
and I saw the eyes
of a taxidermied mule.
I think we should just
back off for a few days.
I really... I don't know,
Robert, I don't know.
If we play it cool, we buy some
street cred. That's my opinion.
Okay, we can hold off.
- But, you know, briefly. That's all.
- Then we calmly sit him down,
and we clock him with a lead pipe.
He goes to college.
We win.
Okay. God, sorry.
I gotta go.
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
High... right here.
A month ago, he was
talking about Syracuse
or maybe even Colby.
The kid who can barely make
his own toaster waffles,
suddenly he's
an anti-college radical?
I remember having
a crush on Abbie Hoffman
when I was in the sixth grade.
You know what? I should never,
ever have agreed with Robert
to back off. We gotta
get on his ass now.
Co-parenting after
a divorce is a sham.
It's overhyped,
"united front" bullshit.
Yeah, especially when one
parent, in this case me,
is 100% right.
How are you? Everything
the same with Cole?
Yep. Still hates my guts.
You raise a son, you think
you've been a good mother,
and now he acts like
he escaped from a cult.
Plus, work sucks.
I think maybe I don't give a sh*t
about people's problems anymore.
With a...
dollop of contempt on the side.
It's, uh...
I'm f*cked up.
Oh, you poor thing. You're
waiting for me to say
- something wise, aren't you?
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
- Anything?
- I'm so... Nope.
So, how are things going
with Mrs. Dufresne Number 2?
Oh, she's still on bed rest.
She'll be fine.
- I loved being pregnant.
- I did, too.
I still have fond memories
of throwing up
in a trashcan on Third Avenue.
Everything just felt...
Yeah, just in alignment.
- You're a little jealous. That's normal.
- Oh-ho, wrong, wrong!
No, no, no. I'm not saying
I'd want to go through it again.
Would you?
I'm, um, not sure we have
a vote at this point.
Trust me, I have zero baby envy.
The only envy I have
is for the parent
who can find
their daughter's Sit-Upon.
Lila is driving me nuts.
A Sit-Upon? What the f*ck?
She made it in Brownies
like a hundred years ago.
It's basically like this
cushion that they decorate
with like pom-poms and rickrack.
And so at meetings
they can, you know,
- sit... upon. That's correct.
- Upon.
And we nicknamed it
the "petri dish pillow,"
because it just got so freaking
disgusting and filthy over the years.
So, anywho,
the big reunion's coming up.
Ten little girls in my modest home.
Guess what's mandatory.
Should I call for a
chopper and some oxygen tanks?
- What?
- Oh, I just got it! That was a good one!
Douchebag.
Okay, I have a question.
Any chance you're ordering
all this sh*t out of boredom?
- Or just to t*rture me?
- Stop being nuts.
- You almost done?
- No, I'm not almost done.
Look at all this lumber!
Is this a bed tray
or a cattle fence?
I am so excited!
This thing has
five adjustable angles,
built-in USB-powered fan,
worry-free cup groove,
and... a welcome guide.
Sounds like God's gift. If only God
had included enough screws.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
See you tomorrow.
Look, Hon.
You'll never guess.
- Amazon Prime.
- My magnetic index cards!
Whoo!
What's wrong
with this picture, Diane?
Never mind. I'll tell you.
We have an imbalanced circle rack.
- Oh, no!
- As any child can see,
there's an inordinate
amount of gaps and bunches.
Each item should be
spaced out proportionately.
- Otherwise, what do we have?
- Oh gee, Mimi, I'm stumped.
Can you teach me?
Non-symmetrical anarchy.
- Oh.
- Now do your job.
This isn't Marshalls.
"Gaps and bunches."
Give me a break.
I don't see one f*cking gap or bunch.
Oh, terrific. Like I don't have
enough to deal with.
Sweetie,
I'm having a shitty day.
- Is this really necessary?
- f*ck off, Myrtle.
g*dd*mn you!
Get back here you little wise ass!
Don't you dare!
Delroy! Stop!
Ah!
- Settle down, settle down.
- Ah! Ah!
- Come on, Diane.
- Ugh.
Dump her in the hole.
Just wasting my time.
A bet's a bet.
You owe me ten bucks.
No fair, no fair.
You set me up.
You knew I wouldn't know it was
suspended for All Saints' Day.
Olivia, dear,
is there alternate side
of the street parking today?
- No. All Saints' Day.
- Thank you.
- You mean, "A-ha!"
- Mmmm.
- You mean, "I'm a gloater."
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
You know what? This is for
you, my trusty soldier.
- Why don't you go buy yourself a hat?
- Gee, big spender!
Here, Frances.
I don't want his dirty money.
No, no, no. It's yours. It's yours,
fair and square. You enjoy it.
Okay, I just wanna
quickly ask Olivia.
Obviously, Nia has a way
to go before college.
- She's only four months old.
- Here we go again. Another victim.
And I know, I know how you feel
about your beloved Michigan.
- Easy. Leading the witness.
- Hypothetically speaking,
it's the future;
it's Senior year.
And she says to you, "Mom,
I don't wanna go to college."
- This is an unfair comparison.
- Listen.
Do you... do you back off?
Or... or...
do you try to persuade
her otherwise?
Are you kidding me?
She has no say in it.
She's wearing a Wolverines
onesie as we speak.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Slide it on over.
Ten clams.
Give 'em to me.
Oh, say, what'd you
just blow up there?
A Benz C63 S.
- Any particular reason?
- He was a snitch.
No one likes a snitch.
Hey, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon?
- Her what?
- You know, the... her petri dish pillow.
Uh-uh. Nope.
Tom, you have to go to college.
Mom, look what you just did!
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Jeez, sue me.
I told you.
I'm taking some time off.
I have that right.
Well, time off for what?
Are there any specific plans
or interests you wanna pursue?
I don't... I don't know. I might
try and open a record store.
Okay. All right.
Here's the headline, buddy.
You're 17.
You know nothing.
But do know this.
You are going to college in the fall,
and you're gonna start working
on the essay immediately.
- End of conversation. End of conver...
- I'm not!
I'm not going! It's a rip-off!
Even Jackie says
it's a waste of time.
She never went to college.
She makes crazy money.
And meanwhile, you work
in a bird shop.
What? Oh really?
Well, that bird shop
pays for your...
Grand Thief Bloodbath!
Doesn't it?
Hey, it's Robert.
Leave a message.
Hey, it's me.
Listen, uh, I have to talk to you.
It's urgent, and I really don't
wanna do it over the phone,
so just... just call me ASAP, okay?
Oh, dude...
f*ck you and Jeff Bezos.
Surprise!
Nice ears, Helen Keller!
- Why are you here?
- Oh God,
it's like hugging a stuffed ape!
Any life in there, Sasquatch?
Larry, go get Robert's present
from the back seat!
That a boy! Let's go!
- Oh! Excuse me.
- Sir, can you...
keep a...
shorter lead, a shorter lead!
Jesus!
So off we go, okay?
Ohio to Parsippany.
Ten hours, non-stop.
I'm car sick, 'cause Larry
here rides the brakes
like he's humping a French bulldog.
So we finally make it to corp.
Now, bear in mind,
the DM all but promised me
this promotion back in,
I think it was, June.
So, I walk in,
and who's sitting there?
Drumroll...
Scott f*ckin' Wong.
No!
- Wait. Do you know Scott Wong?
- No, but the way she tells a story...
Go on, Cathy.
Tell me what happened next.
So, you have to realize,
back when I was
desk clerk at La Quinta,
Scott Wong was
a glorified pillow-biter,
a colossal suck-up, okay?
So anyway, in the end, all right,
I drove 600 miles to learn
that Scott Wong wormed
his way into Wyndham,
blew corp, and sabotaged
my promotion.
So here we are.
A couple of weary travelers
dropping by to say howdy.
- Unbelievable.
- Yeah, that story tracks like a dream.
When do you guys
eat lunch around here?
You know, my blood sugar
is in the toilet.
Oh, don't worry, Robby
can go get you something.
Just tell him what you want.
You know what?
I really like this one.
I think you finally picked a winner!
Good for you, champ!
Hey, Larry!
Lose the muffs, okay?
Join the human race.
We're gonna have a picnic!
Never gonna get a space
like this again!
Ha-ha-ha!
He found your crowbar, honey!
- Evidence.
- Mm-hmm.
Delroy, shall we watch it
again for shits and giggles?
Why not?
Hmmm, what's wrong
with this picture? Anyone?
Well, for one thing,
those circle racks have
a lot of gaps and bunches.
- Weird.
- Give me a break.
You know, you really
messed up my ankle
when you slammed me into that floor.
- I'm in a lot of pain.
- Oh, please.
Pop a Motrin
and go home to your cats.
All right, I've had it
with you, Missy.
I press one button, and your
ass will be on a chain g*ng.
- Yawn.
- That's it!
That is it! It's time to grow up...
Taylor.
I happen to know someone
who's in jail for stealing.
And believe me,
it's no square dance.
You need to wise up,
get a job, be responsible.
I had a job.
At the Disney Store.
- I hated it.
- Interesting. Why?
It didn't pay well?
Having to sell puppets all day?
That stupid grasshopper
in a top hat with a little cane,
and he's got that silly smirk?
It's a cricket. Jiminy.
Well, excuse me for not
being an entomologist, Delroy.
No, I just...
couldn't act all...
fake and happy
and be nice to people.
So they fired me.
Yeah.
It's hard, huh?
Pretending to be cheery
when you're miserable?
Yeah.
I understand.
Wasn't this a fun idea?
Eating outside in the fresh air?
In the dead of winter.
A close-minded person might've
thought it was f*ckin' insane.
I'm so happy to be out of that car.
It really started to smell bad.
Turns out there was
a mouse in the heat core!
- Cooked like a meatball! Yeah!
- Gross!
Well, I'm glad to get outside.
I'm finally allowed to move
around a little more.
Mmm, yeah, I always wanted kids.
I was diagnosed
with a caustic uterus.
Labs came back and turned out I had
- more acid than a truck battery.
- Nature in its infinite wisdom.
And Larry's sperm,
what little there was of it,
didn't have a chance. It was
like swimming into a bonfire.
But, you know, that's life.
You either get
Wonged out of a promotion,
or end up spending half your paycheck
taking care of Dad at the nursing home.
There it is.
Finally.
The tedious wind-up has ended.
- What?
- You damn well know
I pay for everything
when it comes to Dad.
- Oh?
- The private room,
the food upgrade,
the electric wheelchair,
that f*cking balloon-twisting
idiot at casino night.
Sweat equity, Robert.
You can look it up.
The sweat equity that it takes
to wheel him into the Sunshine Room,
so he can see the f*cking goldfish!
Or push him outside, so he
can watch the trucks go by!
Or the sweat equity it takes
to hold his penis,
so he can piss in a cup
without baptizing the walls!
What the f*ck is wrong
with you, you psycho?
That is a job for
a male nurse, Cathy!
Keep your hands off Dad's penis!
You need to cr*ck
your wallet, Shylock.
All right? If I wanna get
robbed, I'll go to Tijuana.
Look, okay, there's
something to be said
for putting real time in, Robby.
Just stay out of it, Jackie.
You don't understand
what's happening here.
This sh*t pre-dates you.
It's a f*cking shakedown!
Am I right or am I wrong, Larry?
Leave him out of it!
Do you know the gas, time,
and effort that goes into
bringing him an Oreo Blast
from Sonic
and hosing him down afterwards?
Dairy gives him expl*sive diarrhea.
- I know!
- I should have you f*cking arrested!
- Robert?
- Oh, he goes. He goes!
Robert?
Hey. What's going on?
Hey, mildly curious...
where's your cell phone?
Um, I don't know.
It's around somewhere.
Oh, that's perfect.
Okay, well, can you step in here
for a second, so you and...
Is that who I think it is?
Well, strike up the band,
Barbie's here!
It was an ambush.
You should've called first.
Hey Boney Maroney, I want a hug.
Can I get a hug?
Come on!
Cathy.
Oh, Cathy, Cathy.
What a... what a...
what a disturbing surprise.
You're telling me.
I thought we got rid of you.
But like they say, even a blind
dog finds its way home, right?
Yes, yes. And recalls fondly
why it left in the first place.
Mmmm!
You are right, these
Harvest Bowls are so good!
Mm-hmm. But aren't they like
a million calories?
Not if you get it without the rice.
You're a genius, and I love you.
Thank you.
- Damn, you got Sweetgreen?
- I'm on the walkie, you know.
Hmm.
I don't know what
to say anymore, Taylor.
I'm worn out.
- Who is this old man?
- My grandfather.
But you can't live with me anymore.
You're gonna have to go
to Gail and Andy's.
- If they'll take you.
- In Harrisburg?
That is so mean!
I can't move there!
Well, I'm sorry.
You had enough warnings.
No. Wrong approach, Grandpa.
This is a good girl here.
She needs guidance, not warnings.
See this?
Voila!
Absolved.
She's innocent.
Now, you apologize to her
about that Gail and Andy sh*t.
And then you know
what you're gonna do?
You are gonna take her
to the third floor,
and you're gonna buy her that
leather jacket that she tried to steal.
It's called communication.
You have it in her size?
So anyway, I told that cop.
I said, "Fine, come on, give
me the ticket."
- Hey, Frances.
- Oh, hey, Jackie.
"But I'm gonna fight it,
and I'm gonna tell the judge
- that you were staring at my crotch."
- Isn't Cathy fun?
Oh.
Gosh, Cathy is so many things.
It's... it's hard to whittle it
down to just one imprecise word.
Hmm.
Wow, you finally ditched
that smelly Lustre-Creme?
I think they stopped making
Lustre-Creme in 1953.
Much more your era. Say, is it me,
or did you shrink an inch or two?
Nah, it's just those flashy,
money-maker stilettos you're wearing.
We all gotta sell
our ass somehow, right?
Just their little dance.
Larry, it's garbage!
Drag it to the curb!
What'd you bring it
in here for, show and tell?
Jeez. Hi, Larry.
How you doin'?
But I guess I assume that's
sort of a dumb question.
He can't hear you.
Metallica, full blast.
Okay, okay. Can I grab
you for a few minutes?
- Me?
- No.
But you know what, Cathy?
Tell Jackie that fun story
about how you got kicked
out of the dinner theater
for stalking Tom Wopat.
Oh, anyway, the lights had
gone out during halftime, right?
She has no business sharing
her opinions with him.
It's disrespectful to us, but
especially me, his mother.
Just find this hard to believe.
What does he claim she said exactly?
Oh, um, you know, "Well, Jackie
says college is a waste of time.
Jackie never went to college,
and Jackie makes crazy money."
- Why would he make it up?
- Okay, so clearly something was said,
and we don't know...
Wait a second.
How did this conversation even happen?
Are you winding him up?
Yeah, we-we agreed to lay off.
Well, I don't...
I don't know that we
necessarily agreed to lay off.
We said briefly,
so I was... I was brief.
That's bullshit and you know it.
You and I have a clear understanding
when it comes to these kids, Frances.
It's an alliance, and you're
f*cking around with that.
All right, well, you know what?
It needs to be dealt with,
- so let's figure it out.
- Just don't worry about it.
- He's going to college in the fall.
- You bet.
Let me talk to Jackie.
She's all yours...
as soon as I finish.
Um, Jackie, are you
in the middle of something?
Yes, I'm ordering Chia seeds.
What's up?
Just a question, um...
Do you recall ever suggesting to Tom
that he shouldn't go to college?
No. Why would I do that?
You didn't tell him that
college was a waste of time?
Uh, we may have
talked about college,
but it was just
a general conversation.
Okay, so you didn't
try to persuade him
- that he shouldn't go?
- I didn't push him either way. I...
I may have said it's not for
everybody, and it wasn't for me.
A-ha! Exactly!
Well, see, for him that was a push.
And now he says he's not going,
which was not particularly helpful
to me, to Robert, or to Tom.
So I'm not allowed
to have a conversation
with my stepson in my own home
where he lives half the time
- where I cook his meals?
- No.
No, there are subjects with
my kids... with our kids...
that are off limits.
You haven't earned
those conversations,
and I really need you to respect that.
God, if we could bottle
the envy in her eyes,
we could blow up Russia.
Get over it, Farrah.
Robert planted one in her belly,
and now you're in the rear view.
- So go find a life.
- Cathy, shut the f*ck up.
Cathy, I know this is not
like a bombshell headline...
but every single word
that comes out of your mouth
is designed to make
someone feel shitty.
And normally, I could give a sh*t,
because I have the misfortune
of knowing you so well.
But this time, you did it.
You made me feel shitty.
So congratulations.
Once again, I'm cast as the villain.
Because you are the villain!
You're that f*cking
white runt from Middle Earth.
And you're a misogynist!
You can't handle a strong
and independent woman!
That's why you surround
yourself with these bimbos.
- Okay, bitch.
- Okay, checking out.
- Oh, boy!
- How is this funny?
- You should be pissed.
- Jackie, I'm sorry,
but when you married Robert,
you inherited all of his accessories.
It's not my problem anymore.
I'm free.
Hey.
Hey. Good-bye, Larry.
Stay strong.
Oh, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon?
- The petri dish pillow?
- Yeah.
No...
Wait, did we lose it?
I don't know.
I'll call the renters.
I'll see if they let me
in the garage to look for it.
What's a petri dish pillow?
It's too hard to explain.
How do you do it, Larry?
Not to dredge up
less happier times, but...
ever since you tried to k*ll yourself,
you just seem weirdly at peace.
What's the secret?
Larry, wait!
Move your fat ass and put
that crap in the cooler!
Jesus.
So much is said in silence.
Stay gold, Larry.
You know, it's hurtful that you don't
appreciate all that I do for Dad.
You don't live there,
so you don't know.
I'll send you
three grand in the mail.
Don't come up here again.
Done.
Larry, it's just a few bags,
not a Chinese slat puzzle!
Jam 'em in
and let's blow this shitbox!
God!
I can't believe you didn't
have my back with Frances.
You just f*cking stood there.
It was so insulting.
You're married to me now, remember?
God, I'm sick of this sh*t.
So much is said in silence.
- Hi! You made it!
- Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late,
but I'll be... I'll be really
fast and be really quiet.
Oh, no worries, the key's
still under the flower pot.
Okay, thanks.