03x10 - The Silkwood

[bunniefuu]

[SONDHEIM'S "OLD FRIENDS" PLAYS]

INSTRUCTOR: What a beautiful
September morning.

Welcome to Strutting with Sondheim.

You know, a lot of people
think that Sondheim's

music isn't danceable or very catchy.

Well, they can go f*ck themselves.

All right, let's all partner up!

Remember, hand to hand, eye
to eye, actual emotions.

Let's make some human connections
today, people, okay?

Excuse me, where are
you going, Barcelona?

Partner up?

I'm not touching a stranger's hands.

Yeah. They'll be all clammy.

If I wanted clams, I'd
go to the oyster bar

and trick a day trader into
buying me some chowder.

[SCOFFS] You go to the oyster bar?

What are you, a prost*tute?

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever asked me.

Ugh. Look at that.

"Dr. Doolittle 2."

I'm so glad, because I didn't feel "Dr.
Doolittle 1"

incorporated enough of Eddie
Murphy's h*m* stand-up.

You know, I heard in
this one we get closure

on that night he was a "good Samaritan"

and picked up that trans prost*tute

who later d*ed under
mysterious circumstances.

[LAUGHTER] Well, either way,

he's definitely gonna talk to animals.

SINGERS: ♪ Here's to us ♪

Aww, where we met.

This place should be a
New York City landmark.

Agreed. Okay, next stop on the
"Billy Farewell Tour" checklist,

there are two leather bars
we have to say good-bye to

before you leave for LA.

But one is a Sephora now.

We'll go anyway. I need mascara.

Hi! We're looking for the
Broadway Dance School?

Aw, you two are as
bright-eyed and bushytailed

as Gaby Hoffman when she goes
bottomless on "Transparent."

Let me give you a word of advice.

New York is gonna eat you
alive like it's Lea DeLaria

and you're a pretty new extra
on "Orange is the New Black."

Go back to Kentucky.

How did you know that my wife
and I were from Kentucky?

Bye.

[BRASH PUNK MUSIC]

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

What's wrong, Chinese New Year?

Did Malcolm Gladwell
post another podcast

explaining how comedy works?

I'm officially unemployed.

The website I do recaps
for just went under.

Hulk Hogan sued them too. He
was on a roll after Gawker.

Don't worry, Lunchables.

You know I'm the stable breadwinner.

In fact, since PBS moved
to Jupiter, Florida,

I'm even more invaluable.

Yeah, I guess.

PAT KIERNAN: Both the Zumba Madam

and the Cannibal Cop remain
in stable condition.

And in non-New York news, a
massive sinkhole in Jupiter,

Florida, has suddenly devoured
the PBS headquarters.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my god.

That's horrible.

On the upside, I never have to see you

in those corduroy shorts again.

- Noodles!
- Sorry.

Please. A little respect?

I just lost most of my colleagues.

We were never warned about
sinkholes growing up.

Back on "Gilligan's Island," it was

quicksand this and quicksand that.

[GROANS]

I have a powerful formative memory

of Ginger being tied to a tree.

Somebody got over the death
of his coworkers quickly.

So when you're seating a party,

you just want to check it off here

so you don't double-book a table.

You got it?

[MOANING]

I'm sorry. Um, I'm just gonna ask it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh...

You're Tony Hale.

That's right. That's right.

So why have you decided to wait tables?

- Because...
- I'm Tony Hale.

You're Tony Hale.

[LAUGHS] I know. [QUIETLY]
I want stability.

Hollywood just chews you
up and spits you out.

My biggest regret was when I gave up

my lunchtime shift at the
Caliente Cab Company

after my second Emmy win for "VEEP."

Well, I'm actually about to move to LA,

and I'm gonna set that town on fire!

Oh, yeah.

I tried to set that town on fire too.

I made it look like an accident,

but the insurance agents know
every trick in the book.

Attention, work family!

I have some exhilarating news
that will wrap up my arc

of wanting to be on a reality show!

You got on a reality show?

No, you dirty dunce!

But I did get a final callback

for the reboot of "Supermarket Sweep!"

Yes!

"Supermarket Sweep" is a game show.

Yeah, but on it, I play
myself, which is real.

All I have to do is complete
an extensive personality test.

Matthew, that is so exciting!

[LAUGHS]

Okay, dial it down, Mary.

Behind with hot.

- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my god.

Mummenschantz! Not again!

This makeup is just new technique

for avoiding facial recognition cameras.

Hey, sisters. This is Lola.

I'm gonna tell you
what you need to do to

walk through the streets of
New York City undetected.

First you're gonna need.

Scotch tape, black lipstick,

a tennis racquet,

and you'll definitely need a shirt

you don't mind setting on fire.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You haven't seen her makeup tutorials?

Okay, the camaraderie at
Caliente was so much stronger.

Laugh all you want, but the
CIA doesn't know that I went

to Chop't for lunch. Can
you say the same, Tony?

[CHUCKLES]

I cannot.

I went to Wendy's.

Can everybody gather around?
We have some news.

It's got nothing to do
with our baby, okay?

Gather around.

So Sephora is buying up
the entire neighborhood

and turning all the East Village

into a sprawling monster location.

ALL: What?

Our beloved café will soon
just be some Nars lipliners.

Avenue B is going to
become a giant aisle

of Kat Von D's liquid lipsticks.

That's a good lipstick.

What about the Stomp theater?

The Stomp theater will
remain the Stomp theater.

- Thank god.
- Wait a second. I'm sorry.

Sephora can't just come in

and take over an entire neighborhood?

Now that corporations are a
division of U. S. m*llitary,

they can pretty much
inv*de wherever they want.

- Panera Breads got nukes.
- Oh, my god.

D's Cafe is no more.

[WAILS QUIETLY] f*ck.

f*ck.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- [CONTINUES WAILING]
- Right. It's not...

you've been here, like, half a day.

♪ ♪

Welcome,

surviving members of PBS.

Thank you for meeting
me at my laundromat.

Let's dive in before my towels are done.

We need to go to Congress
to ask for money.

Well, it was Walt
Gleacher's job to testify,

and he d*ed in the sinkhole.

And all of his successors are dead too,

due to unrelated Florida mayhem.

So what are you saying, Gaby?

If you don't make a plea
to Congress, we're done.

Gaby, I have insufferable stage fright.

Are you okay with knowing
that we're never gonna run

another Wilco episode of
"Austin City Limits"?

Or broadcast Micky
Dolenz's one-man show?

No.

I'm not okay with that.

Good.

[DRYER BUZZES] Oh.

My towels are done.

Mom, if your AOL keeps crashing,

that's just God's way of
telling you to stop using AOL.

Please, don't evoke God.
Just fix my email.

Okay.

What's your password?

- Marilyn.
- Marilyn.

Mom, you have a lot of unreturned emails

in your trash folder from your editor.

"Where is the manuscript?"

"Final notice"?

[SIGHS]

Mom, your book is due tomorrow

or else you lose your deal.

I know! I know. I'm scared.

Well, you can't just ignore this

and hope it goes away!

Remember when I forgot to return.

"King Ralph" to Blockbuster?

And then as soon as I
realized it was late,

I hid it in the back of
my closet for six months.

Oh, I remember.

I bailed you out.

Now I have a $539 VHS
copy of "King Ralph."

[SIGHS]

If I don't hand in this manuscript,

it will be the first time in
my life that I've ever failed.

Help me, Julie.

This was my "King Ralph."

[SIGHS]

Brew a pot of coffee.

Okay.

Ah, wait. That's Esmerelda's job,

and she's got Lupus again.
That loafing Lucy.

Do you really need coffee?

Yeah, because we're gonna
stay up together all night

and we're gonna write your book.

In one night?

It's self help.

It's all anecdotal and catchphrases.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've got one.

"Nobody asked me!"

Yeah, we're not gonna use that one.

Listen, the secret to
writing is that you can't

write and judge at the same time.

You can either write or you can judge.

So it's a two-man job! Okay, great.

You write, I'll judge, and we'll

get this fucker in the can
by the cr*ck of dawn!

Siri?

How does Es-mer-el-da

make coffee?

Question mark.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hey, Billy,

try this water.

You can't tell it's fracked, can you?

[SPIT-TAKE] Are you crazy?

Is that safe?

You tell me in two to three minutes.

I guess they fracked this powder

and then they combined
it with another powder,

and now it's a liquid?

Anyway, pregnant women
can't touch the bottle.

What's up?

I have been accused of
being cold and avoidant,

so I wanted to drop off
this invitation in person.

Billy, you're moving to L. A.

And you tell me by inviting
me to your going away party?

Is that no bueno?

What the f*ck?

[CHUCKLES]

I respect your lack of sentimentality,

but this is just not
how you say good-bye.

This is not how people say good-bye.

I'm not saying good-bye!

I'm just... I'm going out there

for pilot season, and then if...

If you book something, you'll stay?

And maybe you'll stay in touch
with me and maybe you won't?

Todd, you are making a way bigger deal

about this than you should, okay?

Like when Gigi Hadid's
publicist told her

she was hosting the
American Music Awards.

That was a star-making moment for Gigi.

That was a host-making moment for Gigi.

Hey, I gotta get back to work.

Okay.

But just FYI about the water:

My tongue is burning, and
I can't feel my ears.

And I'm usually not aware of my ears,

but now it feels like they're missing.

So no bueno?

♪ ♪

Nickname,

I think I'm having a panic att*ck.

Something is clearly askew:

I forgot to match my pocket
square with my socket square.

What? Arthur,

What are you talking about?

Is this about your dead friends at PBS?

I told you, they're happier in
hell than they were in Florida.

I wrote my mother's
entire book last night.

Sleepy Jubees needs a nap.

I know you're tired,
but I have to testify

on behalf of PBS in front of Congress.

You're a seasoned performer.
Give me some tips.

Okay, well, here's your first tip:

Never call a woman "seasoned."

And acting is just imitating

somebody else's acting, then
passing it off as your own

like Christian Slater did
with Jack Nicholson,

or Mark Wahlberg did
with a pile of bricks.

Okay, that's good. Who shall I act like?

James Cagney?

Buddy Ebson.

Hector Elizando.

[SNORING]

To my wonderful husband,

who's forcing me to pretend

that I care that Billy is leaving,

even though you know I don't.

[ALL SCREAM] What the hell?

Calm down, you babies.

I just upgraded to this ski mask

because I learned that makeup

contains tiny transmitters
that report your location.

When you use products from the
United States of Sephora,

Uncle Sam knows exactly where you are.

Lola, please... it's Billy's night.

I got cast on "Supermarket Sweep!"

Oh, my god!

That's a real reason to celebrate!

All right, let me just take these...

I'm sorry... what the f*ck

do you think you're doing?

I'm still working on this!

I'm sorry. She hasn't slept in days.

Oh, I'm gonna get you
some apology fries.

Yeah, see that you do.

- All right.
- f*ckin' Tony Hale.

f*cking Tony Hale.

So anyway, the "Sweep"
producers showed me this

darling little movie about how
psychotherapy murders people.

And then they had me hold
these two little metal cans

that were called, like,
um, like a she-meter?

Matthew, that sounds like Scient...

Nuh-nuh-nuh. Shh. Let's
see how this plays out.

So proud of you. So proud of you.

[CELL PHONE RINGS] It's Todd.

Hey, are you coming?

Well, what's the point if
it's not really good-bye?

Well, no, I told you it's
not a good-bye party.

It's just... it's just a party.

Maybe call me once you get to LA

and realize you're all alone, okay?

Looky, looky, looky,
looky, looky, looky.

What the f*ck are these?

Apology fries have cheese!

Cheese!

[SCREAMS] f*ck!

- f*ck!
- Yeah, exactly.

Oh, stupid Tony.

Get your sh*t together, Hale!

sh*t! sh*t.

Billy.

Billy!

Billy, what's going on? Talk to me.

What's going on is
that I'm full of sh*t.

TODD WAS RIGHT: Not saying good-bye

doesn't mean I'm not leaving.

I don't want to lose you.

I know I should say
something supportive,

but what's to become of me, Billy?

I don't want to be the
free radical of hags,

floating around without a partner!

Think about all the terrible gays

I could attract as a new best friend:

A guy that does autobiographical
shows at piano bars,

someone in fashion!

What about me?

What kind of nightmare hags
in LA am I gonna attract?

A burlesque dancer! A Groundling!

I'm gonna throw up.

- A Groundling, Julie!
- I'm gonna throw up!

A Groundling!

What if I come with you?

No, you can't come with me.
That's crazy.

Just enough time to get you settled.

I guess that would mean
that we'd never have to

say good-bye or deal with our feelings!

Billiam, let's go ruin another city!

Yes!

Welcome to Los Angeles!

I'm Cashton, the manager
here at Orenthal rental car.

I'm more of a performer than an actor,

but, yes, I can sing.

Here's my headshot and résumé

and a printed out list
of inflammatory foods

my nutritionist recommends avoiding.

How was y'all's flight?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, sh*t. It's Arthur.

Hi. I am so sorry

I forgot to tell you that I left for LA.

How long will you be there?

Just long enough to make
sure Billy's settled.

But, honestly, who knows?

Maybe I'll really love it out here

and both of us can move here.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[CONTINUES LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Okay, love you. Bye.

It'll be fine. You've done worse.

That's true.

[SLAPS]

What kind of car are y'all looking for?

[STAMMERS]

Yellow. Blue?

I have a hybrid coupe.

- Ooh!
- Oh, coupe. I've heard of that.

Yeah, me too. It's like the Beach Boys.

- Yeah, it's like fun.
- And big.

♪ ♪

So what should we do first?

Should we do the Harrison Ford
tour of plane crash sites?

Oh, let's go to the Magic Castle

and vandalize Neil Patrick Harris' car.

Yes!

I just want to drop off my
stuff first, if that's okay.

It says here the place I'm staying,

The Silkwood, is only 5 miles away.

"The Silkwood, short-term housing

"for people who haven't yet accepted

they will be in Los Angeles forever."

- And it's only five miles away?
- That's what it says.

That's perfect. We'll
drop off your stuff;

We'll have the whole day ahead of us!

I love it.

[HORNS HONKING]

Hey, why are they all stopped up there?

Ugh.

That traffic was like the
first scene in "La La Land."

It sucked.

Hello? Is anybody here?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Welcome to The Silkwood.

I'm Joan Gentile. I'm the landlady here.

It was the pictures that got small.

I'm not a ghost.

Would you like to show
yourselves around?

Oh, yeah.

That'd be great. Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

My husband was a h*m* too.

"The Silkwood boasts
family-style housing

"for stage moms and the kids

"they force to live out
their broken dreams.

"Children are tutored poolside,

"which we call home-pooling
instead of home-schooling.

Get it?"

Yeah, I get it.

Let's find my apartment.

"This part of The Silkwood was
originally a mental hospital

"that b*rned for three days straight

"but never turned to ash.

"Now it houses men who are depressed

for all kinds of reasons."

The weather's nice.

Home sweet home!

[WOMAN MOANING, SCREAMING DISTANTLY]

It looked different online.

How so?

I can't believe we're saying
good-bye to this place.

This was our dream.

I've only known you a day and a half,

but it is really hard
to break up the g*ng.

This is the saddest day of my life...

watching the government shut
down another small business.

I feel as useless as
the CrossFit equipment

in Mitch McConnell's basement.

I'm sorry we couldn't raise the money.

Look, there was just
no way we were gonna

come up with that kind of cash.

Wait, you guys had the
option to buy the cafe?

Why didn't you say so? I
have money in savings.

How much money?

I can't see that far away.

[HUMMING THE POPEYE SONG] ♪
De-de-DEE-de-de-de-duh ♪

♪ "Supermarket Sweep!" ♪

Matty, you came in your sailor
costume to cheer me up!

Also because I have wonderful news!

I've been asked to join
a boat-based division

of "Supermarket Sweep"
called the Sea Orj!

The Sea Org.

No, it's "orj," like orgy.

Anyway, the producers asked me
to sign a billion-year contract.

What? [LAUGHS]

And I'm doing it.

[SIGHS]

Good-bye forever!

[DOORS CLATTERING]

Push.

[DOORS CLATTERING]

ALL: Push!

Oh.

[SIGHS] Ah, West Hollywood.

I could choke on the smell
of prep and spray tan

if it weren't for the
smog evening them out.

Yeah, but there's space,

and people pee where
they're supposed to...

in toilets, or each others' mouths.

My god, how'd you get so
sunburned so quickly?

Is that just since we parked the car?

Yep.

Hey, will you check the guidebook

for somewhere to eat,
someplace that doesn't

have fruit listed as dessert?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

- Welcome!
- Hi.

Would you like to sit in the
"bread" or "no bread" section?

Aww. Bread it is.

Oh, my god, Julie, this
place is a landmark.

One of these tables is
where Bryan Singer's

accusers first met with their lawyer.

Would you like a laptop cord,
or did you bring your own?

Excuse me?

I assumed you were a writer,

based on your age, weight, and bread.

No, thank you.

But I did have a
question about the menu.

What's the closest thing you
guys have to a hot dog?

We do have a Downward Facing
Dog, it's like an ex...

- f*ck you.
- Okay.

I'll be back to tell you
about my roller derby team.

- Hey. Hi.
- [GASPS]

I don't work here.

My name is Flute, and I'm a doula.

And you seem pregnant. So I'd
love to give you my card.

It would be my absolute privilege

to go on this journey with you.

Billy, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

Don't look now, but
Terrance Howard is at the

table behind you, and he just
took out his classical guitar.

- [CLASSICAL GUITAR MUSIC]
- Oh, my god!

- We have to get out of here.
- I know.

♪ ♪

Dr. Ben Carson, it's me.

Dr. Marilyn Kessler.

Remember we met in Maryland
at that one country club

that let both of us in?

Well, I'm just calling
for patient referrals.

Not that I think my
book is going to fail.

Oh... hold on. I have another call.

Hold on. Yes?

Marilyn Kessler.

I had a bet going with my
assistant about whether

you'd have to return your advance.

Anyway, long story short,
now he has to f*ck me.

I'm not sure who lost that bet.

But did you like my book?

No.

I f*cking love it!

Really???

I'm pushing up its release date.

This book will even outsell.

"The Outsider Art of the DC sn*per."

Oh, Veronica, I am over the moon!

I just have one question

before I get back to
hog-tying my assistant.

This book is so different
from everything else

you've sent me so far. What happened?

Well, I guess I just found my voice

and learned how to use her.

It.

My... my voice.

My voice.

My... me.

Me.

[TINY VOICE] Distinguished
members of the committee,

I am here to remind you

of the importance of
public broadcasting.

In 1970...

In...

In 1970, our... Oh.

Uh...

[AS CARY GRANT] I meant to do that.

Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Are you doing Cary Grant?

Are you doing Tony
Curtis doing Cary Grant?

Oh. [AS JIMMY CAGNEY] You dirty rat!

Well, I certainly didn't
expect to be called

a dirty rat this morning.

Next!

Come on, Arthur. Imitate somebody.

Who would deal with this situation best?

Cheese!

[MIMICS JULIE IN THE
RESTAURANT] Oh, I'm sorry...

what the f*ck do you think you're doing?

Reynolds, put back the water

and bring him some
apology fries as well.

Now...

here's what's gonna do.

You're gonna give PBS the money we need,

and you're going to do it now.

Apology fries have cheese!

♪ ♪

Hey, Billy, not that my positivity

is wearing thin or anything,

but do you think there's, like, a tram

that could take us up
to the top of this...

I want to say, dirt building?

Oh no, Jules, you look
even redder than before.

Do you have a particularly
high Rotten Tomatoes score

or is your sunburn getting worse?

I think it might be having

an allergic reaction to that bread.

Of course!

There's no gluten in bread in LA.

- It's all nuts and sap.
- Oh, sh*t.

I don't think I'm going
into anaphylactic shock,

but maybe we should get a fresh Epi-Pen

just to be safe, you know?

Hey! Hey! Pregnant writer?

It's me, Flute the doula!

And lucky for you, I'm also
a licensed healologist

with a specialty in eavesdropping.

And I heard that maybe you thought

you were having some kind
of allergic reaction?

Yeah, do you know where
the closest pharmacy is?

Because we can't any cell
phone reception up here.

Wow, pharmacies.

I mean, I could direct you
to the nearest "CVS."

but I think this would
actually help you a lot more.

It's my healologist license.

Call me when you're
ready for the medicine

that will really help you:

Me telling you over and over again

that whatever you're feeling
is all in your head.

Please don't take this
the wrong way, Flute,

but I hope you die of a
preventable disease.

Let's go get you an Epi-Pen. Excuse us.

Holy sh*t! Is that a
f*cking rattlesnake?

[SCREAMS]

Holy sh*t!

Is that Aaron Sorkin meeting
with the Duplass brothers?

- [SCREAMS]
- No! No!

Oh, sh*t. We're trapped.

We're trapped! Where do we go?

Well, first we're going to CVS,

and then I'm dropping
you off at the airport.

What? No, no, no!

I'm supposed to stay here
until you get settled!

We've been in L. A. 24 hours,

and you might actually die.

But how are we going to stay in touch?

We'll Facetime and we'll Skype

and, you know, we'll text each other

more constantly than we already do.

It will be okay.

Will it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Hello. Welcome to Lola's D's Café.

Here is a menu,

and a complimentary
surveillance-free mascara.

Because beauty is knowing

the government isn't watching you.

Have a seat, and I'll be
back to take your order

and answer any questions you
may have about the line

of tracker-free makeup I've created.

I cannot believe she's
actually our partner.

We did the right thing.
Lola saved us from Sephora.

Hey, Lola, I don't get it.

If you're this loaded,

why were you waiting
tables to begin with?

I am passionate about the
food service industry,

especially now that I'm in charge.

Did y'all read the new
employee handbook?

It opens with a chart
connecting JFK's assassination

to Marisa Tomei's Oscar.

I couldn't understand that manifesto.

You should take this job more seriously,

since LA chewed you up
and spit you out again

like an actress eating lunch.

Nobody spit me out.

Except for that Uber driver. p*ssy.

I came back because I got
cast on "Blue Bloods,"

which happens to sh**t here.

And it is not your fault, thespian.

Percy the gay nephew got
cut down to background.

But they're gonna bring that
little gay boy back, right?

I mean, I hope they bring him back,

Because, contractually, I'm not allowed

to appear on any other shows.

Uh, table for one.

Matthew, oh, my god!

[BOTH SQUEALING]

Mama Dee, you are looking
at the first h*m*

to ever be kicked out
of Scientology instead

of being blackmailed to stay in.

So you finally figured out

there's no "Supermarket Sweep" reboot.

Of course not. Don't be such an SP!

Well, this is cause to celebrate.

Matthew, you're rehired.

Tony, you're fired.

F it all to H.

Hey... I'm part owner.

I get to make these decisions, too.
Tony...

- Yes?
- You're fired.

Damn it!

Damn it!

[SCREAMING]

Oh. Ben Carson?

Have you been on hold all this time?

I've got to go, I'm doing.

"Watch What Happens
Live with Andy Cohen."

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Welcome back to "Watch
What Happens Live."

I'm Andy Cohen, and I'm here with

the best-seller author
of "Finding My Voice"

and the Countess Luann's
former therapist,

Dr. Marilyn Kessler.

I cannot tell you how
honored I am that I am here

because you love my book so
much I'm your only guest.

Yeah, that's exactly why
you're my only guest;

Not because Sheree Whitfield has been

stuck in an elevator for
the past 45 minutes.

I agree, my book is extremely brave.

I actually didn't...

Well, Andy, you do not get to spend

two months on top of "The New
York Times" bestseller list

if you're cowardly.

Marilyn, you are very
honest in your book about

the pursuit of happiness
without more antidepressants.

Honest.

What was your favorite
part of writing the book?

Getting my hair done,
and raising my rates...

well, and I mean helping people.

And I enjoyed being there
for the actual writing.

It's rare that you get to spend
so much time with your...

voice... without fighting.

I've been trying to become a writer

so I don't become my mother.

Now I finally have success as a writer,

and all I had to do is become my mother.

What are you watching?

That doesn't sound like
"Independent Lens."

I had to take a break
from PBS to watch my mom

on "Watch What Happens
Live" from last night.

She's gonna quiz me about it later.

Pencils down, Lady Foot Locker.

Breakfast is served.

You know, I don't mean
to sound ungrateful

I know you got me the
job and everything;

It's just recapping PBS shows for PBS

seems more useless than
shaving your p*ssy

before you go to a "Sound
of Music" singalong.

I can't disagree, but

a lot of people enjoy
PBS's Online Presence.

[SIGHS] When do I get paid again?

Ooh, funny you should ask, Senate Floor.

The government funding
just came through!

PBS finally got the check!

- Congratulations.
- ♪ Ta-da ♪

That says "TBS."

Yeah, they misunderstood.

That's why it says "Very
Funny" on the memo line.

Anyway, it's easy to change a T to a P.

♪ ♪

I'm gone for 6 months,

and they turned the
Broadway Dance School

into an NYU dorm with a
Chase Bank in the lobby?

Yeah, the only thing that
never changes about New York

is people in New York talking about

how New York has changed.

Very true. Hey.

Todd's working late tonight.
Do you wanna go see a movie?

Yeah!

I'm in the mood for
something really awful,

like maybe something
from the Dirtyverse.

Ah, you mean like, "Dirty
Grandpa," "Bad Santa."

"Bad Moms," "Bad Teacher,".

"Horrible Bosses."

Yeah, "Crappy Cousin."

"Lousy Abortionist."

"Gross Ghost."

"Perverted Architect."

"Cunty Kid."

[LAUGHTER]

Should we really see "Dr. Doolittle 2,"

or should we just give that money

to The Gay Men's Health Crisis?

I'm having a Gay Men's Mental
Health Crisis of my own

just thinking about Eddie Murphy

talking to an alligator with
the voice of Kevin Pollak.

- [LAUGHS]
- What else is playing?

Well, if you're in the mood
to watch "King Ralph,"

I happen to own a very expensive copy.

- Oh, I love "King Ralph!"
- Yeah.

- I'm Billy, by the way.
- I'm Julie.

You know, I don't think
I've ever said this once

in my life, but it's nice to meet you.

[SONDHEIM'S "OLD FRIENDS" PLAYS]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: La la la. Oh, my God.