02x05 - The Old Man

[bunniefuu]

ANDREW: All right,
guys, we're nearly there,

and this dump is a little more
dangerous than other dumps.

Let's do it quickly,
efficiently, and get out.

Are you boys prepared?

Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

- Unhook seatbelts!
- [SEATBELTS CLICK]

Move it out, soldiers.

Hurry, hurry!

[CAR DOORS CLOSE]

Come on. Let's go, boys.

Grab a bag! Let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

♪ Aah, aah ♪

Good, boys. Good soldiers. Good.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Are we ready, soldiers?

Yeah, whatever.

Can we just get this done?

Yeah.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Come on! Let's go!

[GRUNTS] Come on! Get out!

What's wrong with you?

MAN: Hey, what are you doing?

- What?
- What are you doing?

- No, I'm just saying.
- ♪ I need to ♪

- Let's go.
- ♪ Knock it loose ♪

Where were you guys back
there, huh? I'm out there alone.

We could have got caught.
Do you understand that?

Dad, do you think we could
just get a garbage can?

No garbage can. We're not gonna
have all that trash on my property.

I just don't know what's
gotten into you guys.

I mean, this used to be so much fun.

Fun? When we were 10!

All right. Why we yelling?

This is nuts, right?

Let's go get something to eat.

W-What are we fighting about?

Come on.

♪

Oh!

♪

[AUDIENCE CHANTING] Dice,
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!

Top of the world, Ma.

♪

[IMPLOSION]

You know, I'm a little disappointed

with the garbage runs lately.

- I hear ya.
- It's like they don't want to do it.

You know, me and the boys
used to do Spaghetti Tuesdays,

and now their mom gets them on Tuesdays,

along with stepdad Chad.

Eh, they don't really eat
anymore, anyways, you know?

They just drink these big
cartons of Muscle Milk.

Stuff's not bad. I started
drinking a little bit...

Yeah.

...doing a couple push-ups in the bathroom.
What do you think?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, sorry about

the whole "Monroe: The Musical" thing.

I can't believe they fired you.

You know what?

I dodged a b*llet on that, seriously.

I mean, this James Woods...

I mean, the guy can't sing,

dances like he's a friggin'
baked potato. He stinks.

All right. Give me some...
give me a stack of yellow.

You know what? You move on. That's
all you do. What'd your manager say?

He said I got to lay low for
a while, you know what I mean?

Sometimes you got to take one step back

before you can take a step forward.

Brioni, I'm not good at just
sitting around, you know?

I got to do things.

Here's what you're gonna
do... you're gonna go home,

relax a little bit, spend
some time with the family,

and then on Monday, Team
Dice is gonna reassess.

No!

You know what?

f*cking prick.

You know, sometimes you
got to take a step back

before you take a step forward.

Right, but if you take one
step forward, one step back,

aren't you in the same place?

Yeah, but that's okay
'cause I like it here.

Look, you lost a big role,

and now you're gonna have
to fight to stay relevant.

Relax. I'm on top of it. But this weekend,

I want to spend some time with my family.

I'm going to Dallas this weekend, remember?

- I have a real-estate conference.
- I totally forgot.

I packed my suitcase in front of you!

All right. It'll be all
right. I'll get the boys,

we'll have a "iThreeAmigos!" weekend.

Dad, we got a gig in L.A. this weekend.

I mean, we're leaving in like 20 minutes.

I forgot that, too. So,
you don't want any pancakes?

Uh... no.

All right.

All right, listen, I
know you hate to be alone.

You want me to cancel?

- Would ya?
- There's no way I'm canceling.

MAX: Why don't you just
come with us this weekend?

No, no, no. It would be
like I'm tagging along.

- You don't need me.
- No, not at all.

Max, go have a good time. Do a great gig.

Text me when you get there, all right?

- I will.
- Bye.

I got to go.

- What?
- Have fun.

Now you're treating me
like I'm a 5-year-old.

Are you kidding me?

[SIGHS] All right.

I can do this. It's no problem.

- I'm alone. Big deal.
- MILKSHAKE: You're not alone. I'm here.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

I know, but you're like an extension of me.

Like, in a lot of ways,
when you think about it...

Extension of you? What...

Like when we go, like, to the coffee shop,

you know what kind of
coffee I like to drink

whether it's winter, spring, summer, fall,

you know all the drinks.

We go to the mall. You
know the underwear I get.

Underwear? f*ck you. What are
you talking about, underwear?

- Geez.
- No, I didn't mean to offend you.

Listen, man, maybe I overstayed
my welcome. I'll be on my way.

- No, no, Shake.
- I'll go back to my own house

- and blend into the walls over there, man.
- Please stay. Please stay.

- I got work to do, you understand?
- Please. Please.

Milkshake, you're my best
friend in the world. No!

- Call me later. Call me later, all right?
- I beg you. I beg you.

- You beg me?
- Yes.

This is not like you. You
beg me. What do you want?

What do you want? What do you want to do?

- I want to show you something.
- Yeah?

ANDREW: Look at that giant bag!

[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.

I remember this one, too.

Windows up.

[WINDOWS SQUEAKING]

Hoods up, soldiers!

- [LAUGHS]
- I don't have a hood.

[LAUGHING] Look at this!

This is the good old days.

There's just no real
dumpers in the Valley.

[SIGHS] I know.

[LAUGHS]

Can you take a break?

What do you mean, "Take a break?"

I'm showing you beautiful stuff here,

and you're clickety clackety.

I'm in the middle of production rewrites.

We're in... w-we're, like...
We have a blinking green light.

Do you know what a blinking
green light means in Hollywood?

You're working for nothing.

Oh, good.

- [KEYBOARD CLACKS]
- [SIGHS]

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [STAMMERS]

Do me a favor, put it on pause.

Get the f*cking door.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Um...

something I could help you with?

Need, like...

What do you need, to use,
like, the bathroom or somethin'?

Come on in.

It's... It's okay.

You just... you know. Come on.

Right this way.

Yeah, there we go.

Right on in here.

Yeah, right in here.

Let me know if you need anything else,

and, uh, there's, like,
that liquefying soap

they just came out with.

You know what I mean?

I'll be out here.

MAX: Is this ever gonna happen?!

[ANDREW LAUGHS] You had the
last garbage run. This is mine.

Listen, pal, I love garbage
just the way you do,

and you're not taking this from me.

- Bullshit! Bullshit!
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm getting Dad. I'm getting Dad.

- Get him!
- [SIGHS] Every other minute.

- Get hi...
- [TV SHUTS OFF]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Hi. We haven't met yet,
but I'm your new neighbor.

I'm Richard.

Yeah, so? What are you
selling? What do you need?

No. Nothing.

I'm just, uh, want to
know if you'd seen my dad.

Oh, the real old guy, kind of quiet?

He was here.

He, um, he used the bathroom,

and then he, uh... then he left.

He wasn't here no more.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, so he was... he was
here, but then he left?

Yeah. Yeah, he left. He left.

Okay. All right, well, thank you,
but, listen, if you see him...

Yeah, take care.

...please let me know?
Will you do that? Okay?

Believe this f*cking guy?

Hey, I would never question
you in front of anybody,

but are you sure that guy left?

I never actually saw him leave.

You sure?

I'm pretty sure.

♪

Hold on there. After you.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

[TIRES SCREECH, CAR HORNS BEEP]

[RUMBLING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

ANDREW: I know. I...

[TV SHUTS OFF, RUMBLING CONTINUES]

- Did you hear that?
- I don't know.

Maybe it was, like, a racoon or something.

Yeah, it was a racoon or something
or a squirrel or some sh*t.

Yeah, right?

Where's Dillon?

He's not far.

Let's just get this done.

[RUMBLING CONTINUES]

All right, wait a minute.

You heard that, right?

[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah.

That was in the walls.

- Yeah, it was.
- Ghosts are in the walls, right?

- Yeah.
- Don't ghosts go in walls?

That's true.

All right, so I got to ask you a question,

and I need a serious answer.

That old man...

what do you think?

Like, was he real?

He never spoke.

Think about it.

I know it seems strange, but, you know,

just because he didn't talk
doesn't mean he's a ghost.

- [SIGHS]
- He could have been a ghoul.

A ghoul? What's the difference?

A ghoul wants to eat your soul.

[RUMBLING CONTINUES]

None of this would be
happening if Carmen was here.

All right, you know what? I got to go.

No, no! Shake, where you running?

- Where you running?
- I got... I got third-act problems

I got to work on with the script...

No, no, no! You got to stay here.

We'll have, like, a...
we'll have a pajama party.

I ain't stayin' overnight.
I got an early call.

No, come on! Come on.

We'll have root-beer floats,
we'll have a lot of fun...

Dice, he's an old man, and who cares?

You're just afraid to be alone,

that's all it is, you know?

You g... Everybody knows

you got fired from the "Monroe" musical.

Now you think your career's winding down,

the boys are growing up,
doing their own thing,

and if we're being honest,

there's a little distance with Carmen.

I can see how you want to, like,

create a distraction from all of that,

but don't let it snowball

into something more than it needs to be.

Why do you got to put
all this in my head now?

What'd you have, a fortune cookie at lunch?

- I'm going now, all right?
- No, no. Come on. Please.

I got auditions I got to watch tomorrow.

Please, please, please. Why are you going?

- Come on. I'm sorry.
- No pajama party.

Shake, please. Please?

Like, I'm begging you.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- I-I-I'm begging ya.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- [SIGHS]
- [RUMBLING]

Ohh! What the...?

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Why?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[RUMBLING]

[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]

What the hell do I do now?

What the f*ck?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MURMURS]

[CLATTERS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

f*ck.

[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Dahh!

Shh.

All right, buddy, y-y-you got to go.

You... You got to go. Come on.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Just take your time, beautiful day.

The birds are chirping, right?

- Look how great the...
- Hey. Hey!

You told me he wasn't at your house.

Do you have any idea how much
trouble you just caused me?

- Caused you?
- Yeah.

I nearly had a heart att*ck 'cause of you.

- Take it easy.
- What's the matter with you?

You know you're not
supposed to leave your room.

- Come on!
- What are you dragging him like that?

What the f*ck's wrong with you?

No f*cking respect.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hey. Stop. What are you doing?

Get out of here!

This is the stupidest place
in the world to hang out.

Go, go, go.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC FADES]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Aw.

[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello?

You okay in there?

[CAR PASSES IN DISTANCE]

Ah!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hello?

Yeah, it's, uh... it's Andrew Dice Clay.

I'm your neighbor.

Remember last night? Like...

I let you use my bathroom,

and you spent the night in my walls?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MUTTERS]

You all right over there?

The hell is with this?

[SIGHS]

You know, it's amazing...

- [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]
- that in life,

we go about our everyday
business as a common man,

and then one day, we see an injustice done,

and we decide to do something about it.

And on that day,

we go from a common man...

to a hero.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

How ya doin'?

♪ It feels so good to lie ♪

Listen to that sh*t, huh?

♪ When I feel so bad inside ♪

You into rock'n'roll?

- Doug, give me some.
- ♪ It feels so good to hurt ♪

Give me some. Come on! Come on!

- I'm feeling it. Come on.
- ♪ Come on and make it worse ♪

- That's it.
- ♪ Yeah ♪

You're f*cking out of
your mind, you know that?

You're, like, uncontrollable.

I don't even get you sometimes.

[JACCO GARDNER'S "CLEAR THE AIR" PLAYS]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ Time will tell what happens ♪

♪ If the flowers disappear ♪

♪ If darkness falls till we will meet ♪

♪ Each other every year ♪

♪ I can't see you ♪

♪ I would like to ♪

♪ Clear the air ♪

[CHEERING]

♪ It's not fair ♪

♪ I can't see you ♪

♪ I would like to ♪

♪ Clear the air ♪

♪ It's not fair ♪

♪ I can't see you ♪

♪ I would like to ♪

This is the life, huh?

[CHATTER]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Paulie.

Paulie?

Paulie's a great name for you.

What are you?

Like, uh... divorced like me?

It always ends.

You know what it is?

Everything's changed today.

It's a whole new f*ckin' generation, here.

Look at this over here.

You know, today, they shave it down

to f*cking street level.

It's like going down on cactus,

you know what I mean?

Like walking into somebody's
house, and there's no pictures.

You know, some decoration.

You know, you look out your house,

you don't want desertscape.
You want some grass.

You want some flowers,
you know what I mean?

Not just clean.

[FOLK MUSIC]

Cigarette?

You know what it is?

You're probably sitting here going,

"Why would a guy like me
try to help you out, right?"

Now, think about it,

I'm the nicest guy in the world,

I see a guy like you,

and in certain ways, I see myself,

you know what I mean?

You know, I'm gonna get older.

You know, all of a sudden you're...

you're irrelevant, nobody cares,

nobody loves you anymore.

I mean, in a lot ways, Paulie, me and you?

We're the same, me and you.

We got a lot in common.
I saw it the minute I...

Hey!

Oh, sh*t, Paulie. Your son.
Get down. He's looking for you.

Hey! Hey!

Stop! Get back!

[ROCK MUSIC]

ANDREW: Don't worry about anything.

Richard's never getting
his hands on you again.

I'll make sure to that.

But we got to lay low for a while.

You got a passport?

Guys your age allowed to fly?

You go on planes?

Wait, I got it. I got it.

My girlfriend, Carmen,
has this apartment, right?

I don't want her
to have the apartment,

but she keeps it.

She gets that Airbnb money,

but she ain't there right now,

so I could put you there.

Come on in.

Okay.

Here we are. Nice right?

This is your safe house.

Nobody can touch you here, Paulie.

I think we can find a
blanket around here, right?

Keep you warm, relaxed...

Take a look around.

We could try to, uh,

find something for you eat.

You like soup?

[URINE TRICKLES]

[CARMEN SCREAMING]

CARMEN: What the f*ck are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?

[SOFTLY] And who the hell is that?

Oh, this is my friend, Paulie.
We're... we're on the lam.

You know what? I don't even
want to know, okay? C-Can you guys just go?

Oh, don't make believe you're
gonna win this argument.

You're supposed to be in Dallas.

I didn't go to Dallas, okay?

My real-estate conference got canceled,

so I decided to come here instead.

And what do you do here?

Honestly, I needed a break from you.

Not in a bad way.

It's just I'm exhausted.

You've been...

You've been a lot to
deal with lately, okay?

Like, more than usual.

So, you just come here to chill?

- Yeah.
- And what do you do?

I don't know.

I'll take a bath, I'll read a book,

watch my shows, the kind of shows I like,

you know, where... where
people with British accents

get fingered in carriages,

not the kind of shows that
you want to watch

where people get their faces
blown off with machine g*ns.

All right, Carm, I get it. Okay, Carm.

You needed a weekend. I understand.

But now part of that weekend...

includes my buddy Paulie.

It's like I told you...

he's with us now.

He's easy to take care of.

A little orange juice,

some rye toast with a little jelly...

that kind of thing.

He'll like the shows you like.

Whaddya say?

[SIGHS]

That didn't go so well.

We'll go back to the house and regroup.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[FUNK MUSIC]

Now, listen, this is the strategy...

'cause I'm a thinker.

You're gonna sleep in my room in my bed,

and this way, if he shows up, Paulie,

I put you in the crawl space.

You understand?

Be careful there.

RICHARD: Hey. There you are.

Thank God you're okay.

Get over here. That guy's okay.

Look at... Like you care!

Of course I care! He's my father!

You keep him in a room like an animal!

What, do you think I didn't see that?

Do you know Indians, okay,

like authentic Native-American Indians,

honor their senior citizens...

their wisdom, their strength.

You should take special care of this man.

I know all that.

I understand all that.

But listen to me...

my father is a registered sex offender.

What?

Yeah. He's a sex offender.

I mean, I love him,

but he's a danger to children.

I got to keep him under house arrest.

That's why I lock him in his room.

It's either that or jail.

Well, how am I supposed to know?

T-They should give 'em, like, a-a... a pin

or a badge or something, right?

Maybe. I don't know.
Look, it's not easy being

the son of a sex offender, okay?
I'm just doing my best here.

[GASPS]

My...

How can you do this to me?

You're my Paulie.

- Who's Paulie?
- Him!

Him?

No, his name's Chester.

Ches... How is this possible?

After everything we did together,

the candy, the balloons,

I let you touch my garbage.

Shame on me!

Paulie, I got to be honest with you,

you know, you've ruined it
for all the other old guys.

I'm never gonna do this again.

It's a little bit upsetting.

But he's still your father,

and you should take care of this guy.

Yep, he's still my dad.

It's a constant disappointment.

Listen, do you mind if I, uh,

have a little talk with Paulie alone?

Okay.

Paulie, come over here.

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- This is for all those kids, Paulie!

This is for all those kids, you understand?

[GROANS]

[g*nshots]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You got Dice.

MAN: Hello?

Hello?

Yeah.

assh*le. "Yeah" what?

You called me.

You're right. Please hold to be connected.

No, wait a minute. Who is it?

I have Martin Scorsese
for you. Please hold.

What?

♪ I'm a lonely tiger ♪

♪ Still on the hunt for love ♪

Now...

just somebody else's problem.