♪
[BELL TOLLING]
♪
Are you coming back?
I don't think so.
♪ Some men kneel ♪
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- ♪ Some men chose sides ♪
[TIRES SQUEAL]
♪ The train is roll... ♪
♪
Oh!
♪
[AUDIENCE CHANTING] Dice,
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!
Top of the world, Ma.
♪
[IMPLOSION]
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
ANDREW: Martin Scorsese called me.
This man did "Taxi Driver,"
"Raging Bull,"
uh, "The Terminator," "Avatar."
Whoa, hold on. He didn't do "Avatar."
Doesn't matter. He directs everything.
He's not directing your
thing. He's just producing it.
Yes. And he's got me this
director, this German guy,
that's supposed to be,
like, really intense.
I have not seen you this
energized in a very long time.
'Cause I get it.
The universe got me out of
my contract at the Tangiers.
The universe got me out of f*cking Monroe,
that Broadway piece of sh*t.
The universe never wanted me
to host the Oscars.
No.
The universe wants me
to win an Oscar.
Well, at least you're not
getting ahead of yourself.
Exactly.
All right, Shake, watch
how I do now, right?
[LIGHTER CLICKS]
That's the move.
Yeah, I'm Blackjack's guy.
I'm his dog.
Loyal to the end.
And you're lucky you're
only hearing me bark
because last thing you need
over here is to feel my bite.
That was good.
- No.
- What's a matter?
I'm playing this
character Root Beer, right?
But I feel like I should be the lead,
like I should be Blackjack.
Yeah, tell me about it.
It was written for you.
It feels like that, right?
No, I mean, it was. I should know.
All right, forget about it. Do your line.
Listen, Maldonado.
Root Beer's been with me
through thick and thin.
He's my mutt, my loyal mutt.
- You understand?
- Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
What the f*ck are you doing?
You... you aren't even
looking at the script.
- So?
- So, I gave you the f*cking thing
like five minutes ago and
you already got it memorized?
- What the f*ck?
- Yeah, but it helps when you wrote it.
What are you talking about, you wrote it?
Dude, this is my script.
Look at the cover page.
Look at the title.
"The Man With The Fingerless Glove."
Yeah, I've been telling you
about this script for months.
- Look at it. Ron Gomez.
- Yeah.
- You wrote this whole thing?
- Yeah, believe it or not.
- The whole f*cking thing?
- Yes.
A f*cking Scorsese movie.
Do you believe... All right.
All right, let me do this.
Listen, Blackjack, we all go through life
playing the hands we're dealt.
I'm two high pair. Maybe even aces up.
The problem is, you got three deuces.
I'm proud of you. This is beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I only got one question.
Who's playing Blackjack?
♪
Andrew Dice Clay in the house!
Michael Imperioli.
What's up, brother?
- How are you doing?
- It's been a long time.
Been a long time. You
good? You sh**ting today?
No, I'm just here to try on some costumes.
Listen, uh, if you need
some help with the character,
just talk to me.
Why would I talk to you?
Well, Blackjack is based on me.
I discussed this at length with Ron.
Blackjack is an amalgamation
of three different people
from my childhood.
My neighbor, my scout master, and my uncle.
Ron is my best friend,
and the character was
completely based off of me.
He didn't say a word about you.
Well, it's easy to figure out.
You're wearing the
fingerless gloves, aren't you?
A lot of people wear fingerless gloves.
Cyclists, weight lifters, perverts.
- My uncle.
- Your uncle?
He was a paraplegic. He
used them for his wheelchair.
I'm doing this in tribute to him.
You know what's so funny about you?
- What?
- This... this...
Maybe this is why we
haven't seen each other.
- What the f*ck are you talking about?
- What about "The Sopranos?"
When Tony would, like, tell
you, because you had, like,
a drug problem, and he'd go,
"You got to do not the dr*gs no more,"
and you were like, "Yeah, no
problem, Tony. I love you."
- Right.
- The minute he walks out,
what are you doing?
Sticking needles in your arm.
Your chick wanted to f*cking leave you.
That was a character, yeah.
What about when the other
one you did, with Pesci,
and you got him all mad that
he winds up sh**ting you?
That was another screenplay.
No, but he wouldn't have done it
if you didn't get him so f*cking mad.
I did it because it was in the script.
- No, I know, but...
- Okay, let's leave it at that, please.
It's gonna be great. I'm happy to be here.
- Yeah, all right.
- God bless.
Yeah, I'll see you on the set.
Shake. Look at this. Beautiful, right?
- Sharp.
- Yeah, yeah, um...
- This is me all classed out.
- Yeah.
Oh, here comes the director.
This is Gunther Osterland.
Hey, dawg, nice to meet you. Ooh.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
What?
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]
What?
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]
W-W-W-What happened now?
Gunther says hello.
- That was hello?
- Yeah.
- What, you calling me a liar?
- No, it's just...
I don't know. Yeah, hi.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
Yeah.
Got it. So, he thinks that this look
really isn't right for you,
'cause the character Root Beer
is a sidekick who wouldn't
be wearing such a nice suit.
I got to agree. Root Beer,
he just got out of jail.
It's not something he would be wearing.
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]
So he's gonna go talk to Wardrobe.
Oh, and he said to be on time tomorrow.
I was in my trailer.
I was just waiting for somebody to get me.
Right. Okay.
CARMEN: So, this gift basket came.
Oh, yeah, when you do a movie,
they normally send that stuff.
- It's not from the movie.
- Oh, it's probably from g*ns 'N Roses
for me getting them back together again.
About time they showed some gratitude.
No, Andrew, the gift basket's for me.
- For you?
- I've been nominated
by the Las Vegas
Journal for Best Newcomer
in the field of real estate.
Babe, that is incredible.
Get over here. This is great.
I mean, it's just a stupid
award, so who cares, really?
It's not a big deal.
Do not diminish how great this is.
We got to do something.
We got to go out. We got to celebrate.
- We could just order in.
- Absolutely not.
This is incredible. This
night is all bout you.
- Come here.
- Okay, let's go.
It is so great. I'm very proud of you.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Okay, okay.
Come on.
♪
So, it's between me and three other people.
Well, you know what, sweetie?
I'll just have to dig
some holes in the desert
- and get rid of those people.
- [LAUGHS]
Don't worry about it.
Look, look, look.
What's this, some kind of cast meeting?
Why don't you go say hi?
I'm not gonna go over there.
They should come over to me.
Well, I don't think they
can see you from this angle.
Doesn't matter. He could've called me.
He could've texted. He's my friend.
Okay, but if he would have
texted you, you and I wouldn't
be having this nice
time right now, would we?
I know. I love it. I'm
just saying, you know.
Okay, so, it's a black tie, so
you're gonna have to wear a tux.
You think you can handle that?
What? Yeah.
Then I was thinking
maybe after the ceremony,
I could bring three of my girlfriends over.
They could all take turns blowing you.
Maybe one could stick
their finger up your ass.
Excuse me, waitress. Can you do me a favor?
I want you to bring a bottle
of champagne to that table
over there, where those guys came in.
Just say it's for Andrew Dice Clay
from Jerry Bruckheimer.
Um, you want me to bring
a bottle of champagne
over to this table and say...
- it's for...
- It's for...
Andrew Dice Clay from Jerry Bruckheimer?
Very good. That's it. Thank you.
Okay.
What?
Tonight was supposed to be about me.
It is about you, but I got
to admit, that bothers me.
Andrew, he's your best friend.
Just go over and say hi.
No, let me watch this.
This is from Jerry Bruckheimer
to Andrew Dice Clay.
MICHAEL: I'm not f*cking
putting up with this.
- It'll be okay.
- This is f*cking bullshit, okay?
That was weird.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
Yeah, of course.
Thanks so much.
- Shake's coming over.
- Great.
Just who I want to see on my date.
- Shake.
- Hey.
Uh, this was sent to us by accident.
It was from Jerry Bruckheimer to you.
- But it came to our table.
- The guy's a prince.
He always does things like that.
Michael Imperioli was pretty offended
because he's on the wagon, you know, so...
- I didn't know that.
- Anyway, you know,
I got to go home. I got to do rewrites
on my script and stuff, so
you guys take care, right?
- Enjoy your meal.
- All right.
- Bye, Milkshake.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, see you tomorrow.
- See you later.
All right. This is ridiculous.
You haven't said one word
since we left the restaurant.
- So what is it?
- What is it?
I don't know. You f*cked up my night.
You f*cked up Milkshake's night.
- Aah!
- Aaah!
There is a person in our backyard.
I can see that.
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
I don't believe this.
Mickey Rourke.
Been a long time.
Been a long f*cking time, brother.
And here you are in my backyard. [LAUGHS]
And then there was that
time [LAUGHS] where we left
Eric Roberts for hours in your trunk
of that f*cking Road Runner.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Yeah, that was wild, man.
Crazy f*cking sh*t.
Time f*cking flies, I'll tell ya.
And we had that...
that one night.
What night?
The night we made the deal.
- We made a deal.
- Yeah.
What deal?
We were downstairs at the Roxbury.
And we promised ourselves that getting old
was not gonna be for guys like us,
that before we hit 59,
we were gonna turn out the f*cking lights.
- I said that?
- Yeah, you said
we're gonna k*ll ourselves
before we get old.
I don't remember that.
Listen.
You told me that you were
gonna forget about this
and for me to remind
you, so a deal's a deal.
Mick, we were drinking. We were partying.
We were having a good time. Come on.
Get all your affairs in order.
Do what you got to do because
Thursday...
we're gonna turn out the lights, brother.
Don't be a p*ssy, Dice.
♪
Mick, where you going?
♪
Hey, uh, Mike? Can I...
Can I bother you a minute?
- Hey.
- I'm really sorry about
last night, that that bottle
of champagne came to your table.
Was that strange how that happened, huh?
- I know.
- Really strange, weird.
Do you like mysteries, Dice?
- Yeah, they're all right.
- I love mysteries.
I watch "Law and Order."
In the first five
minutes, I know who did it.
By the first commercial break,
I know the how and the why.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- That's good.
- And last night,
while I'm walking back to my hotel,
I realized I have a mystery on my hands
because I kept asking myself,
"Now, why would Jerry Bruckheimer send
Andrew Dice Clay a bottle
of champagne, right?"
Uh, you know, he's... he's nice like that.
No.
Not buying it.
- You're not buying it?
- I'm not buying it.
- You understand?
- Yes, I got it.
I got it.
I'm Blackjack's guy. I'm loyal to the end.
You're lucky you're only hearing my bark,
'cause you don't want to feel my bite.
GUNTHER: Cut!
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
I know. I know. I'm
trying to do it. I just...
He doesn't think it's working,
and he says since you are
Blackjack's dog that...
maybe you should just... bark.
What are you talking about, bark?
Just bark, you know,
like he wants you to howl.
Like a dog, like bark like, like arf?
Not like a f*cking cartoon.
What are you, Snoopy?
Like an angry dog. Reach down and do it.
Wait a minute. Shake?
Yeah, I don't know. It's
good for the character.
It's very... It's very animalistic.
- You want me to bark?
- I think it'll be good, yeah.
Ruff! Ruff, ruff!
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]
- Ruff, ruff!
- Bark! Bark!
Ruff! [GROWLING]
A lot!
♪
This is ridiculous.
You're not supposed to have a party now.
You're supposed to have a party
like, after you wrap the
film. You know what I mean?
If you didn't want to
come, then why are we here?
I got sh*t I could be doing.
I-I could get ready for my awards ceremony.
I have to get my hair done.
I got to figure out what I'm gonna wear.
I'm gonna be right by your side.
Oh, wait. You're
gonna be my arm candy?
- That's right.
- Okay.
It's gonna be an honor. Come on.
No, no, you got to do like this.
- What? What?
- [LAUGHS]
Hey, y'all. You made it.
They're with me. Come on in.
- Hey.
- You believe him?
I don't recognize this guy anymore.
- Look who showed up.
- Hey, Mike.
- This is my girlfriend, Carmen.
- It's great to meet you.
I love your work.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
She didn't say she's a
fan. She likes your work.
Sounds like a fan.
I'm your number-one f*cking fan. Okay?
Hey, um, I put in a call to
Jerry Bruckheimer tonight.
Oh, yeah? How's he doing?
He wasn't around, but I left word,
but, uh, he'll call back.
That's the thing about
being on "The Sopranos."
They always call you back.
It's, uh, very nice to meet you.
- It was great to meet you.
- Cheers.
Hoo, hoo! Hoo, hoo!
Hello, everyone.
I just wanted to thank you all for coming,
and I wanted to thank
the staff working hard.
I used to be you.
But then I found a way
to move up in the world.
I see you.
And how about those mini crab cakes, huh?
Clap for the staff.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Very good.
Now, tonight is a very
special night for Ronald,
and he's not very good at
speaking in front of people,
so he wrote something
that he wanted to share.
Yeah, you know, like Trudy said,
I'm not really good at
this, so I wrote a poem.
I hope you don't mind.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm just a guy jotting things
down with a pen and paper.
Don't know if I'm doing anybody any favor.
But I had to get it out of
me. It was building up inside.
Now, I'm kicking it with Michael Imperioli
and going on this crazy ride.
Seeing you bring it to life,
it's almost too much to take.
Much love to my new family
for seeing the Ron inside the milkshake.
[APPLAUSE]
Gorgeous.
Oh, God.
- Shake.
- Hey.
I've been looking all over for you.
Oh, I had to get out of there, man.
There's people hanging all over me.
You know, there's only so
much Milkshake to go around.
You're right. You got a lot on your plate.
- Yeah.
- So you know what?
I'm not even gonna bother
you with what was on my mind.
No, no. It's no big deal. No big deal.
Hey, you know what it is?
Like, every day they're cutting
lines, they got me barking.
Oh, my God, I didn't know you were unhappy.
No, I am happy, and I'm happy for you.
I just... I don't know. I
wish there was more I could do.
Yeah. You know what you need?
You need a moment.
How about I write you a monologue?
- You would do that?
- I would do anything for you.
You don't get it, do you? You're Blackjack.
- I'm Root Beer.
- No, I know.
I'm loyal to the end.
You're the best.
TRUDY: Ronald, there you are!
Come on. We want to go dancing.
Better get back up there.
All right, man.
- Hey, Shake.
- Yeah?
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[KEYS JINGLE]
How was the party?
- f*ck, Mick!
- [CHUCKLES]
How the f*ck did you get in this house?
Have you called your attorney
and gotten all your affairs in order?
'Cause we're gonna pull
the trigger on this thing.
I don't want to hear about
this dumb pact anymore.
You used to be the most fun f*cking guy,
and now you're now this
morbid m*therf*cker.
What is it? Not doing what you want to do?
You hate yourself in some f*cking way?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses
and all the king's men,
they couldn't make f*cking
Humpty any younger again.
Okay, Mick, I get it.
Everybody's a f*cking poet tonight.
♪
Oh.
Are you ready for your close-up,
Mr. Andrew Dice Clay?
Yes, I am.
If you're looking for me to say something,
it ain't gonna happen,
'cause I got nothing to say.
I knew that day when Maldonado
took me to Lundy Brothers,
bought me a tuna melt.
He said, "Kid, this is your lucky day."
Well, that's when I knew.
That's when I knew how this was gonna end.
So you think I care?
You think I give a f*ck?
You do your worst, 'cause I ain't scared.
Go ahead, m*therf*cker.
Pull your trigger. End it.
[GASPING]
- Cut!
- That's a cut.
Back to one. Going again.
What do you think?
Gunther really loved it.
Really? I can do it again.
No, no, no. Go see for yourself.
They're cueing it up for you over there.
- Really?
- Yeah, playback, yeah.
Okay, great. Thanks.
Thanks.
I knew that day when Maldonado
took me to Lundy Brothers
and bought me a tuna melt.
- What the f*ck was that?
- It's a favor to Ron.
Favor to Ron? I just don't
see how that fits in anywhere.
Don't worry. It'll end up
on the cutting-room floor.
Son of a bitch!
Gunther just said we
got to throw him a bone.
f*ck! You're a real son
of a bitch, you know that?
What the f*ck is this about?
- Whoa. What's going on?
- No, I heard him
in the f*cking ear piece,
this big f*cking goon.
That scene stays in, Shake.
That's not gonna wind up on
the cutting-room floor, okay?
I want a guarantee that it stays in.
We're gonna give the
fifth banana final cut?
Fifth banana? Let me tell you something.
You guys wouldn't even be
here if it wasn't for me.
- [RING TONE PLAYS]
- Excuse me.
Hey, thanks for calling me back, Jerry.
I'm Blackjack. Tell them, Milkshake.
You know, a writer derives inspiration
from all aspects of his life.
That... that's what you're gonna say now?
That's exactly what I
thought. Thank you very much.
Yeah, so, that was Jerry Bruckheimer,
and it's just as I suspected.
Jerry Bruckheimer didn't send
that bottle of champagne to Dice.
Dice sent it to himself.
- Why would you do that?
- Ah! Therein lies the rub.
See, because we know the who.
It was Dice who sent himself that bottle.
We know the how. He got
the waiter to deliver it
and then lie for him.
But we don't yet know the why.
Allow me to propose a theory.
I believe that when
Dice saw his best friend,
who he so patronizingly
refers to as "Milkshake,"
start to achieve success,
it drove him f*cking crazy.
- I...
- So in an effort to make it
all about Dice, he sent
himself that bottle of champagne
because Dice couldn't stand
that all the attention, for once,
was not on him.
Are you really gonna listen
to this f*ckin' assh*le?
- Am I an assh*le, Dice?
- Yes, you are.
Or is name-calling the
last refuge of a guilty man.
Give it up. Ladies and gentlemen...
I believe the case of Jerry Bruckheimer's
missing champagne has been solved.
Bum bum!
[LAUGHS]
Oh.
Why couldn't you just be happy for me?
I am happy for you.
You know, Trudy was right about
you... you're jealous of me.
Trudy's right about
everything, in your mind,
because she hypnotized you.
You hypnotized me!
But you know what, Dice?
No more. No more. I'm... I'm awake now.
I'm awake for the first time in years.
Shake...
You make it all about you. Look around.
The whole production has
come to a screeching halt
because we're dealing with you.
You know what? You're
trying to ruin my movie?
You're trying to ruin my thing?
You're fired!
You're fired.
I'm fired?
Get the hell off my set.
All right. All right.
♪
[SIGHS]
Babe.
Carm.
Ca...
Oh, f*ck!
♪
[HORNS HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
♪
Carmen!
Carmen!
Carmen, wait up!
You have no idea what this day was.
I... I got fired off the Scorsese thing.
And it was Milkshake that
fired me, but it doesn't matter.
I am so damn sorry.
I don't care.
I know you don't, but I'm
trying to explain to you.
No, I literally don't give a sh*t.
I'll make it up to you.
- I-I...
- No, not this time.
What do you mean?
Andrew...
I need some space.
Tonight wasn't about you.
It was about me.
Okay? I don't get a lot of wins.
And tonight was a win for
me, and that hasn't happened
in a really long time, and you
didn't even bother to show up!
- I tried!
- Well, you didn't try hard enough!
- I did try!
- Whatever this is,
whatever we've been doing, we're done!
It's over!
Carm...
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, Carmen!
What do I...
♪ Mm mm mm ♪
♪ Mm, mm mm ♪
f*ck.
Tonight's the night.
Mick.
How the f*ck did you get in here?
I told the valet it was my
car, and he knows Mickey Rourke,
and he did the right thing.
I got a g*n on your ass,
so I want you to drive.
Now. Let's go. Move it.
[ENGINE STARTS]
♪ Sitting by the
old road again ♪
♪ Waiting for a
letter for a friend ♪
Mick... you're making a mistake.
I'm not ready for this.
A deal's a deal, Dice. I
ain't letting you out of this.
♪ Twisting down a
river with no end ♪
[SIGHS]
[SNIFFS] What's that smell?
[CHUCKLES]
I spilled a little gasoline around.
- Gasoline?
- Mm.
You f*ckin' kidding me, Mick?
- Dice, it was your idea.
- My idea?
We're gonna go out in a blaze of glory.
Come on, Mick. Knock it
off, would you, please?
I got a lot of sh*t going on.
My... my best friend's not talking to me,
- my chick left me...
- Don't change the subject.
I don't even know what the
f*ck you're talking about.
I'm just trying to tell you some things.
20, 25 years ago...
everything was fun.
It was all about our pride, envy, wrath.
And now it's different.
We're old.
I mean, I've had... I don't know...
six, seven motorcycle
crashes in the last 10 years.
I'm put together with bubble gum
and paper clips and crazy glue.
My g*dd*mn eyeballs ache.
Yeah, all right. Your eyeball?
Let me show you something, my friend.
See that? I got a dead f*ckin' eye.
I'm driving around Florida,
I got to do 15 shows,
and my retina blows off, okay?
But you adapt. That's what I do.
I got a lot to live for.
I got two sons I got to bring up.
You know what your
family's gonna do with you
when you start slobbering
all over the place,
you don't know anybody's name?
They're gonna stick you
in an assisted-living home
with a whole bunch of
other dying old dinosaurs.
And you're gonna have some old lady...
you don't even know her
name... whiping your ass.
It ain't like the old days anymore.
You don't get to die at
home in your own f*ckin' bed.
I don't get you.
You were a f*ckin' animal.
Nobody could get to you.
Guy like you goes down,
and you come up swingin'.
That's who you are.
They don't make guys like us anymore.
And I'll tell you another thing.
When the gods finally decide
to pull the curtain shut on us,
people are gonna celebrate us.
They're gonna do documentaries about us.
That's our destiny.
This is not our destiny,
to go up in here in this
little sh*t hotel room.
Let me tell you something, Mick.
I love you. I still love you.
I always loved you.
Me and you, we should go out.
Let's drink, let's f*ckin' laugh,
let's get you some of that
skinny p*ssy you love so much.
Come on.
You want to have a smoke?
You know what? I could just use a little...
little fresh air.
You know what I mean?
Mm? You know?
What do you want to do? Live a little bit?
Can't we smoke outside?
Can we, uh...
Come on. I want to go.
Let's take it outside.
♪
Let's get the f*ck out of here.
- Come on.
- Let's go have some fun.
p*ssy or food? What do you want?
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
♪ This light had
gone out long ago ♪
♪ It was worth ♪
02x06 - Fingerless
"Dice" follows Andrew Dice Clay twenty-five years after his heyday as he tries to mount a comeback. Dice works to pay off gambling debts, help his sons, and keep his relationship in tact, all while remaining as controversial as ever.