03x07 - Toilet

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Hey, honey.

Do you remember that you
asked me to get you

ELO tickets? Hmm?

So annoying people can't recycle.

Like, what the actual f*ck?

Okay, so, do you not want to go anymore?

Mom, I'm in the middle of something.

Okay, so what night
would you like to go?

- What are you talking about?
- [phone vibrating]

Hey. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what time?

- [door slams]
- [muffled]: Uh-huh.

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Yes? H-How may I help you?

I'm going to Melrose with Jason.

Do you have any money so I can
get... lunch or something?

Okay. [clears throat] Frankie.

I was trying to be nice by
getting you tickets to a show

that you begged me to
get you tickets for.

Then you were rude, and then,

you ask me for money
without even apologizing.

Do you think that's a fair assessment

of what just happened?

Frankie, this is where you say,

"Mom, I'm sorry for being a little d*ck,

and I really appreciate you
getting me the tickets

and taking the time.

Also, may I please

have some spending money?"

Fine. Don't give me the money.

I'll get some weirdo to buy me lunch

and maybe he'll traffic me

and you can live with that
for the rest of your life.

[pounding on door]

[muffled]: Mom. Mom, I'm trapped. Mom?

Mom, are you out there?

Mom, let me out.

Mom! I can't get out!

[barking]

♪ And I am not ashamed of my rage ♪

- ♪ And I am not ashamed of my age. ♪
- [grunting]

Hi. Oh.

Hi, Sam. Thanks for the
marinated ribs last Tuesday.

Um, oh, God. [chuckles] So embarrassing.

You didn't have to bringthe
truck. I mean, is this okay?

Is it out of bounds

to call you guys for
something like this?

No, it's standard procedure,
it's what we're here for.

You won't believe the things
people call us about.

[laughing]: Right, Cap?

All right. Come on through.

I'll show you where the emergency is.

It's Frankie's room. Thank you.

Hi. Sorry. Thanks.

My pleasure. Must've been the wind, huh?

Seems to have been slammed pretty hard.

These old doors, they
get stuck all the time.

- Okay. You're free.
- Thanks, guys.

- Bye, now.
- Take care.

Happy Mother's Day.

You're welcome!

- [scoffs] Ugh.
- [phone ringing, vibrating]

♪ Here we go... ♪

Okay.

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

And so it begins. Come on, Chewy.

[phone ringing, vibrating]

♪

Okay.

"Pour half of the MiraLAX solution...

"the water... Mix until

it is dissolved completely."

Blah, blah, blah.

"Mix with any clear liquid,

not red."

[phone vibrating]

Hello. Hi, Dr. Santoro.

Hi, Sam, how are you doing?

Thank you for calling me back.

I'm sorry to bother you. I
didn't mean to disturb you.

- Am I disturbing you?
- It's fine.

My daughter is visiting
me from out of town.

So, how are you doing?

- Any movement?
- [sighs] Nope.

There's no movement yet.
Nothing, no poop, no caca.

It'll come.

You have to push liquids for now.

Ha! Field of Dreams.

If you push them, sh*t will come.

[laughing]: Sam.

You're wonderful.

Thank you so much, Dr. Santoro.

I'll see you tomorrow
for my big opening!

[chuckles] Have a good night, Sam.

See you tomorrow.

- D... [sighs]
- [line beeps]

[speaking Spanish]: Oh my God.

This woman is crazy. But I love her.

[both laugh]

Oh, wait. [gasps]

[grunts] Here we go.

Nope. Nothing.

"A sheepdog had not a good master,

"but, on the contrary, one
who let him suffer hunger.

"As he could stay no longer with him,

- he went quite sadly..."
- Oh.

Oh.

Honey? Honey?

I love you. I love you.

Good night. Mm!

I love you. Finish the book.

I love you. Honey, honey.

Mommy's got to go to her own toilet now.

Mom?

You're scaring me.

[grunting]

♪

I put extra toilet paper in
the bathroom for you, Mom.

[grunts, sighs]

And don't forget to put
Vaselineon your butthole.

Love you.

♪

♪ Before Tuesday night,
he was telling me ♪

♪ "Oh, marry me, pretty
lady, please do." ♪

Okay, I'm gonna leave them out here.

♪

[Sam grunting, groaning]

Yes.

Ooh!

[water gurgling]

Oh, my God. [grunts]

[TV playing indistinctly]

[grunts, sighs]

[groans]

♪ I hoped we would marry
by Wednesday or so ♪

[barks]

♪ But to my big surprise... ♪

No, no, no.

Shoo! Shoo! Out.

[grunts]

[grunting]

[sighs]

[toilet flushes]

♪

[groans]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[phone vibrating]

[toilet flushes]

[grunts]

[TV playing indistinctly]

[sighs]

But I love nursing still,
'cause I get to be of service.

Yeah. I hear it's harderto
be a nurse than be a doctor.

One hundo-P.

Right this way, ma'am.

- After you.
- Thank you.

Hi, ladies.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How's everything?

- Good. How are you?
- Good. Good. Thank you.

Oh, you're gonna put an I.V. in, huh?

Yeah.

Okay.

[groans, hisses]

- [Sunny humming]
- You're okay.

You're okay.

- You're okay.
- You're okay.

- You're totally okay.
- You're okay.

You're so okay.

- You're okay.
- You... [laughs]

Thank you.

- That was good.
- Good.

[speaking Farsi]

Ah. Farsi... [continues in Farsi]

Um, no.

I wish I spoke more Farsi,
but I really like it a lot.

I have... I have a lot of deusts.

My family and I celebrate
Chaharshanbe Suri every year.

Ah, how cool. Chaharshanbe Suri...

[continues in Farsi]

- Exactly.
- Huh?

[laughter]

Okay. You did great.

- SAM: You did great.
- [chuckles]

How do you say "thank you"?

Say "merci."

Oh, merci. I know.

Merci.

Your doctor's gonna be
with you soon, okay?

SAM: Merci.

[nurse speaks Farsi]

[speaks Farsi phrase]

[repeats Farsi phrase]

SUNNY: She's so pretty.

- I know.
- Beautiful.

- Gorgeous. The hair kills me.
- Yeah.

- [Sam chuckling]
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Roy.

I'm your nurse anesthetist.

Tell me, are you
allergic to eggs or soy?

Why? Are you gonna cook for me?

[both chuckle]

[chuckles] That's too funny.

No, those are in one of our solutions.

No, I'm not allergic to those,
but can you please arrange

for a pleasant dream while I'm under?

Oh, that's my specialty, dear.

- [both chuckle]
- ROY: All right.

BOTH: Cute.

Okay, Nurse Roy.

You'll have dreams about him.

Guess what my specialty is.

[laughs]

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Dr. Santoro.

Please don't tear my butthole.

You know I do a thousand
of these a year, right?

I don't know why you'd want
to, but okay, if you say so.

All right.

Let's turn you on your left side, hmm?

SAM: Is it happening?

Am I on dr*gs yet? [chuckles]

Not yet, dear. You'll know when.

So, I tell all my creative people

to think of something fabulous.

Think of an idea, and your mind
will go to incredible places.

Think of something specific.

All right.

Go ahead, do me a favor.

Count backwards from five.

Okay. Five, four...

[Dave Brubeck's "Blue
Rondo à la Turk" playing]

[electrical humming]

[speaking Farsi]

[quiet, indistinct muttering]

♪

- Mm. Mm.
- Mm, mm.

[grunts] So good. Delicious.

[speaking Farsi]

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah. Just take a big swig.

A big swig. All the way.

Come on. Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

[laughing]

- [shouts in Farsi]
- [Chewy barks]

- [vocalizing]
- [laughter]

- [laughing]
- Mm!

[laughter continues]

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[Murray laughs]

[groans]

[someone passes gas nearby]

MAN: Sorry about that.

No problem.

Hi. You okay?

- How you doing?
- [whispers]: Did you hear that?

You okay?

- Yes. I'm great.
- Hi. Hi.

I want to go. I'm ready to go.

- Can we go? Let's go.
- Okay.

Your-your phone has been blowing up.

Max found an apartment in Hollywood,

and she needs you to put a deposit down

in, like, five minutes.

What? Excuse me?

Please, I'm a little busy right now.

- God.
- Hi, Sam. How you feeling?

Hi. Um, good.

Am... are we discharged?

Well, I'm really glad we did this.

Let me pull up a chair.

Ohp. Oh. The chair slide.

She's getting a chair.
She's coming in close.

- That's not good, Sunny.
- It's okay. I'm right here.

Okay. See this?

That is a polyp.

I have a polyp?

Two of 'em.

Here and here.

- See it?
- Mm-hmm.

[man passing gas]

So I removed the polyps,
and I tattooed both areas

just so I know where they are
next time I go back in there.

- I have tattoos now.
- Two of 'em.

There was also another thing.

See this red ridge that's
up near your appendix?

So I scraped that off, I took samples,

I looked at it on a plate.

It probably is nothing.

- But it could be a malignant...
- Wait, what?

...polyp.

- Mmm.
- If it is,

it means that I would have to
gothrough your bellybutton

and remove it laparoscopically.

Easily extricated and done
in an outpatient procedure.

[takes deep breath]

Polyp.

Polyp. Polyp is a funny word.

I mean, not really so
much in this instance,

pertaining to me, but... Polyp, though.

- Ps are funny.
- [man passing gas]

Oy.

- Uh, can we go?
- Can... Yeah.

Because I really want to
get my body over a toilet.

Ah, that's just air.

And yes, you can go.

And have a glass of wine tonight.

You probably have some
anxiety from all this.

I don't.

I mean, I didn't, but
actually, now I do,

and I really do have to poop.

That's just air.

I don't think so.

I don't believe you.

- I can't... this can't possibly...
- Try to get...

[passing gas]

Oh.

It was just air.

- [laughs]
- Sorry.

Oh, God.

- That's better.
- Whoo!

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Dr. Santoro.

[toilet flushing]

LEV: In future, Sam:

no tampons, no Q-tips,
no Kleenex, nothing.

Only caca.

We know that, Lev.

We only put caca in the toilets here.

Four ladies in the house
cannot have such big caca.

Impossible.

You don't know these ladies

and you don't know our cacas.

Oh. Oh, here's the nice soap.

Ah, of course.

SAM: Yes.

Plus, I need to replace
this toilet, it's old.

You need more horsepower.

Exactly. I'm tired of plunging it.

- How much you want to spend?
- I don't care.

I just want one that is never
gonna clog on me again.

Okay.

If you have YouTube, I
have toilet for you.

I can show you.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

Ah, just... put this right there.

Okay, this is Bentley of toilets.

They have in prisons so
criminals cannot flood cells.

SAM [laughing]: Oh, my God! Lev!

Yes!

That's the one!

Amazing, right? Keep watching.

[gasps] Are those golf balls?

I love this thing!

If you want, you can flush a small dog

or even a kilo of cocaine.

SAM: [claps hands] I want it.

I want it. Seriously.

When can I get one?

- I can get one for you and install.
- Thank you.

Uh, tonight I go to Torrance,
and I pick up toilets

and install for you tomorrow.

You're amazing.

High-five, then.

Oh. Lev, you know I can't...

No offense.

- Ah. Uh... None taken.
- Yeah.

So, this is it.

The last session.

SAM: Yep.

How do you feel about that?

I don't know, Doc. How
do you feel about it?

I don't know, Ms. Fox, how
do you feel about it?

I feel like...

Xanax tonight?

Hey.

My prescription was for sleep,
anxiety and four sessions.

Ding.

[sighs] Look, uh...

Uh, these sessions...

I-It's kind of...

Well, it's not kind of,
it's really not okay.

[sighs] Why?

- It isn't therapy, Sam. And...
- Yes, it is.

I'm sitting here talking,
you're listening...

This is therapy. If this
isn't therapy, what is it?

But you're not talking, Sam. You're not.

And maybe you would have
openedup to some other therapist

who doesn't have a past with you.

I should have referred you out,

I really, really should have.

Hippocratic oath and sh*t.

Why didn't you and sh*t?

Why didn't I?

That's a good question.

That's a good... Well, why didn't I?

Well, I guess because I
wanted to see you again.

And I really wasn't thinking
about anything else.

And to think I opened up
all my traumas to you.

You didn't open up anything to me.

Y-You don't want therapy.

Therapy is not for you.

What's that supposed to mean?
I could be good at therapy.

If I tried.

Okay, tell me about your ex-husband.

What? Are you insane?

I'm not talking about that. Ew.

- Tell me about your father.
- No.

- What about your mother?
- Oh, God, no. No way.

Okay, okay, so we're not gonna
talk about your failed marriage,

nothing about your family,

or about your childhood,

or about your sex life

or your dreams.

Nothing about your dating life

or what gives you meaning

or even the loneliness,

the-the loneliness that we all feel.

Nope.

Nope, absolutely... nope.

[sighs] All right, Sam.

You're being emotional eel slippery.

And I have to say that,
for someone like me,

who-who-who loves to indulge

in talking about everything...

it's kind of hot.

It is?

Yeah, but you're just
playing a game, and...

it's gonna catch up to you.

Yeah, probably.

But not today?

- Nope.
- No.

All right, well, we still have some...

some time left in this session.

How do you want to spend it?

I don't know, Doc.

How do you want to spend it?

Hey, it's your dime.

Uh, it's completely up to you, Sam.

I'll do whatever you tell me.

I'll do...

whatever you tell me.

Well...

well, I want you to come over here

and sit next to me on this bench.

Just like you did on that
benchthat day at Camp Teak,

when we were watchingthe
counselors put on that play.

And I want you to look at me

just like you looked at
me that day, like...

like, "Oops, sorry about that."

But then I want you to
leave your foot there

and not say a word.

Just like you did for the
whole play back then.

That's what I want you to do.

I want you to do that.

Right now.

That would be...

incredibly inappropriate.

[chuckles softly]

[clears throat]

[clicks tongue]

[Sam clears throat]

I've had blue balls of the heart
for you for over 30 years.

SAM: Mm.

And you are officially
fired as my patient.

SAM: Mm.

Well, I guess that's all the
time we have for today, Doc.

Okay, I'll just get my...

Thank you.

[door closes]

Oh, my God!

Yes!

[laughing]

Let's try potatoes.

Or a shampoo bottle.

Okay, one more, though.

- SAM: What are you doing?
- Mom.

Yo, this thing is incredible.
This is the third towel

we've flushed down this thing.

Frankie.

Why are you flushing our
towels down the toilet?

Mom, can we name the toilet?

It deserves a name like...

Balthazar or Abigail.

Or Slender Man.

I know.

But quit flushing our
towels down the toilet.

- You crazy?
- Last one.

- Hey! No!
- [toilet flushes]

Quit it!

I don't know you. Who are you?

I'm Quaker, Frankie's friend.

Oh. Hi.

Have fun.

Don't sleep over.

Good night.

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

[exhales sharply]

Yes.

♪ Pretty words ♪

♪ Come so easy ♪

♪ They're no good ♪

♪ If you don't mean it ♪

♪ Everything you need ♪

- ♪ You know I got it ♪
- ♪ Know I got it ♪

- ♪ You're gonna get it, baby ♪
- [door closes]

- ♪ No doubt about it ♪
- ♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ So if you're thinking ♪

♪ I'm gonna mistreat you ♪

♪ Oh, stop ♪

♪ Don't worry 'bout it ♪

♪ Oh, stop ♪

♪ Don't worry 'bout it ♪

♪ You ain't never had no love ♪

♪ Like the love you're
gonna get from me ♪

♪ You've been used ♪

♪ And you've been abused ♪

♪ Seven days a week ♪

♪ You had the blues ♪

- ♪ You didn't know ♪
- ♪ Babe... ♪