03x09 - The Unknown

[bunniefuu]

DURHAM: My father had few friends.

A cathedral full of acquaintances,

but few friends.

Murray Fox was one of them.

They'd both k*ll me for saying so.

- (light laughter)
- A Jew from the Bronx.

An Irish Catholic from Westport.

But they-they thought of
each other like brothers.

And so, on behalf of the Friars,

hither and yon, past and present,

it is my deep pleasure

to honor Murray with this sketch

to join our cadre.

And to you, Sam,

we bestow the title Honorary
Friar in Perpetuity.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Um... (clears throat)

my father loved being a Friar,
and he loved coming here,

and this means a lot.

I get a free martini, right? 'Cause...

- (light laughter)
- Um, it's a nice perk.

But anyway... thanks, Durham.

Okay. Thank you.

I remember you were always
so much older than me,

and now we're exactly the same age.

How did that happen?

Mm. I don't know.

I do.

It's this hair.

My God.

You have no right to
have such good hair.

You can do it again if you want.

(both laugh)

So, off topic.

- No.
- What?

I don't want to hear about

how you shtupped Anne Bancroft

when you were at the tender age of 15.

- You don't?
- Or any of those.

That's an unsubstantiated
rumor, you know.

(laughing): Yeah.

It's true. And look at
you. You, you know...

it's not like you haven't
had your world tour.

No. No. Child actor.

Married. Now I'm dead.

(laughs) Hardly.

So, off topic.

Do you think it's true...

do you think your
father and my mother...

During that five-year period

when Cormic and Murray weren't
speaking to each other...

Do you think they, uh... did it?

- What?
- Yeah.

- That was over a script.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't think... N-No.

I don't know. I don't know.

It's not like Cormic was, uh,

the most faithful of men.

Well, Murray would never...

I mean, he was terrified
of my mother's wrath.

(Durham chuckles)

Your mom was a babe, though. I remember.

Yeah. I remember your mom, too.

- She was hot.
- She was...

- Hi, baby.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- I thought you had to do the...
- I know. Jeremiah's set isn't

- until 11:00.
- Oh.

- I'm Ruth.
- Oh, yes. Sam.

Sam. Uh, this is Sam.

We grew up together.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

Yeah. We grew up together.

Except he was older. Much older.

- (Durham chuckles)
- So much older.

You know the feeling?

- You know what I mean, Ruth?
- (cell phone buzzing)

Just a second. Hello?

Wait. Actually, no, honey.

You can't take... No calls.

You... Will you take that in the lobby?

Seriously?

Seriously. It's-it's a rule.

(Durham sighs)

- It's a rule.
- RUTH: Hello?

RUTH (fading into distance):
Hey. You're here? Yeah.

- She's adorable.
- S-Stop it.

- Stop it. Stop it.
- I didn't... I'm not even...

- Don't. Don't. Come on.
- Okay.

It's not like I asked for that.

- (grunts)
- This isn't a demographic

- I go casting my net for.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's not...
- Yeah, I mean, because

it's not like there's

a whole swath of women
in their 40s and 50s

who are totally available,

with great minds and better bodies,

- lovely, sweet, amazing,
- Mm.

Next-level, recently divorced,

- well-adjusted,
- I know.

Ready to go out and share a meal,

have a good time, not boring.

And you just skip over all of them.

I mean, you guys just
skip a whole generation.

Or three.

All right, I know, I know.

And-and, by the way, I agree.

You know? I have lived a bunch of life,

and now I'm just glomming onto hers,

you know, and it's... it's not fair.

I-I don't know why she
agrees to it. (chuckles)

- It's, you know...
- Mm-hmm.

I'm speechless.

(whispers): Yeah, it's...

it's tough.

- I feel for you. I mean...
- (Durham grunts)

But anyway...

- I'll leave you to Ruth.
- Oh, come on.

Sam, Sam, come on, she'll be gone in 20.

She is 20, bro.

Let's have dinner later.

Peace out, Friar Durham.

Oh, the hair!

Come on. Sam.

This was fun.

Deuces!

Text me if you change your mind.

♪ Cigarette smoke is in my eyes ♪

♪

(bicycle bell rings)

(birds chirp, squawk)

Hi. Thanks.

What are you doing in my hotel?

This is my hotel.

It's definitely my hotel.

Oh, okay.

Um... I didn't think you
were coming in for this.

Yeah, I'm gonna see yours and
a couple other readings.

Oh. Cool.

You know, I'm really
l-looking forward to it.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Yeah. Do you have an early call?

No, no, no, not too early.

Not too early.

That's so funny that you're
staying in my hotel.

Well, you have good taste,
I have good taste.

- Mm-hmm.
- Makes sense.

Yeah, we can go with that.

Are you freaked out?

No. No! No. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

No. Just...

(clears throat) Anyway...

I don't want you to think
that I'm rude, but...

I have to, uh, FaceTime my daughters

and go up to my room, but

it's really good... I'm gonna see you...

tomorrow at the reading.

Thank you.

I'm gonna... I just... 'Cause...

(quietly): I mean, it's great.

You have good taste, I have good taste,

we're staying in a hotel.

(loudly): I'll see you tomorrow, Mer.

Good night.

Anyway, seriously, sorry.

I told my daughters that I would Face...

It's better in the room.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you.

Anyway...

♪

♪ If you'd only start to kiss me once ♪

♪ And say "I love you" some more ♪

♪ But you're either very bashful ♪

♪ Or else just a little bit sore ♪

♪ So if you really want to baby me ♪

♪ Then, baby, why not
do the thing right ♪

♪ Because you really disappointed me ♪

♪ When you forgot to

♪ Kiss me good night

♪ Good night.

WOMAN: Hey, Sam.

- Hi.
- We're on the main stage.

Okay, cool.

- (Sam chuckles)
- MARK: Uh-oh.

- Nice.
- Cute.

Yeah. Nice green shirt.
I see you got the memo.

SAM (laughs): Yes!

- You're my brother!
- We hate each other.

- Yeah, this is gonna be hard.
- I know.

- We're gonna have to act.
- Yeah, you think

- you got it in you?
- I think I do.

- I'm not sure about you.
- Me too.

- ♪
- (indistinct chatter)

Good morning, sunshines.

- Good morning.
- OTHERS: Hi!

(indistinct chatter)

Aunt Sissy and I haven't seen
each other since, uh, what?

I saw you at Joe's Pub last month.

- Oh. Last month.
- Yeah.

Thanks, man.

♪

Hi. Didn't read the script.
Did you guys read it?

(sighs)

Everybody, your character's
name is on your script.

Just a few announcements.
We are on a straight six

with a half-hour lunch, and I think

we have an Equity
deputy here... Jon Jon.

- So concerns go to him.
- (whooping)

- Jon Jon!
- Oh, my God. No, not you.

(chuckles) Can we take
another vote, please?

- MARK: Yeah.
- Your deputy commands you.

- (chuckles) Yes, Mama.
- (light laughter)

And I will turn it over
to your director Trevor.

- Yes!
- Trevor!

(clapping)

What's up, guys?

Thank you for coming in today.

Um, I've been working on this play

for a couple years now with Mook.

(whistling, clapping)

I'm gonna speak for the both of us.

We think this play is
pretty tight, so...

we're not really looking
for a bunch of ad-libbing

or suggestions.

So, just do what's on the page.

Basically, after Williamstown,

the play's been getting a lot of buzz,

uh, both here and the West End.

So, basically, I'll stop you
if I have any adjustments.

But otherwise, we're gonna
try for a few reads

and get it up onstage. Cool.

MARK: I-I never get cold sores.

I just feel, like, a little tingle.

- Oh, Jesus.
- NORM: You never get cold sores,

and you got a whole tub of
lysine in your bag? Okay.

Okay, relax, Norm. All right, relax.

- SAM: Wait. I'm moving over.
- NORM: Scary.

Give Daddy a kiss.

- Put it right there.
- (laughing): No.

HOLLAND: Come over here and sit by me.

- I'm immune.
- (laughter)

- Give me one. Now I'm scared.
- Okay. Yeah, you never know.

Deserted truck stop outside of Ames.

Copulating like swine
under a lone sodium lamp.

This is straight out
of a Hopper painting.

Oh, sh*t. It's me. Sorry.

NORM: I called you.

- That's points right there.
- JON JON: Were you?

- Maybe.
- Either you were or you weren't.

Uh, look, uh, I'm sorry for stopping,

but did I call?

I mean, you did, and you didn't.

Gotcha.

And have shards of broken
bottles shoved down my throat

while being lowered slowly
into a vat of rabid rats.

Um, okay. I'm gonna
stop you right there.

Sam...

I...

really feel like you're
enjoying this t*rture scenario.

And, like,

you're playing it at an eight,
and I'm gonna need you

to take it down to, like, a six.

(chuckles)

- (whispers): A six.
- TREVOR: Okay, good.

- So, uh, let's take it again.
- MARK: Okay.

Well, I would rather, uh,
get the hairs of my balls

- plucked one by one.
- (Trevor clears throat)

Okay, guys, it's still
a little hot, guys.

Um, the comedy lies

in this being...

a totally...

you know, like...

you know... kind of tone.

Yeah?

- (soft chuckle)
- Uh, yeah.

- Totally.
- We... Uh, we know.

- Sure.
- TREVOR: Oh, crap.

We got to take a lunch. All right.

- Half hour, people.
- That was, like, a seven.

- TREVOR: Thanks.
- SAM: It lies in the tone.

I mean, it's not good, right?

(chuckling): Yeah.

There's no way they're
bringing this to Broadway.

You never know.

We haven't drunk the Kool-Aid yet.

- Just wait.
- (phone rings)

It's the home front.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

(door opens, bell jingles)

(door closes)

Huh?

Really?

Oh. Mark.

Huh?

Nice.

(indistinct chatter)

♪

(applause, cheering)

TREVOR: So, we're gonna go

straight through, no intermission.

Let's do the play.
Skewered by Mook Simmonds.

Watch the axe impacting my skull

and have shards of broken bottles

shoved down my throat

while being lowered slowly
into a vat of rabid rats.

Really?

That sounds like joyous rapture.

He told me he wanted to marry you.

What?

He said he was crazy for you.

What are you talking about?

- Maybe you should tell her.
- Absolutely not!

Don't even think about it!

Jon.

- It's time.
- It's time?

♪ Windows on the world...

That's funny, coming from you.

HOLLAND: I don't care about
the gossip of the thing.

I care about the thing!

We're talking wha-what... 30 years?

- It doesn't matter.
- I'm a hundred million years old now.

Doesn't matter to me.

I am sick of it!

I am sick of being the
Lenny to your George.

Okay, I'm not sitting in the
audience watching the movie

of your life!

Your quarter's up.

♪ That floor you're standing on ♪

Now it's your turn.

♪ Ain't gonna sweep itself

GABRIELLE (crying): His whole life

just clamps down.

Literally clamps down.

♪ Painting every room...

I can't do anything.

(cheering, applause)

MAN: Bravo! Bravo!

(cheering, whistling)

- You k*lled it. You k*lled it.
- That was awesome.

- Couple things... (laughs)
- (laughs)

I hope they get the funding.

- It was just wonderful.
- Wow.

- MARK: Thanks, Trevor.
- GABRIELLE: Thank you.

The audience really loved it, man.

- Amazing writing.
- Thank you.

You know, I was in an apartment
with my parents on one side

and my brother and his wife
and their baby on the other.

- What was the title?
- 9JKL.

- SAM: And I get afraid...
- Oh.

- Yeah, not a great title.
- ...because I-I feel like

I'm hoarding it. Yeah, well, you are.

- Hi. Hi.
- Hey.

- Oh, sorry.
- We'll see you at Dear John's.

- Oh, okay.
- All right.

Yeah. I'll-I'll meet up with you guys.

Hi. Good? Was it good...?
I think it's good, right?

I was chatting with the
folks from the festival,

and Mook loves you, of course.

Really? Mm.

How come Tressa didn't know?

Oh. Healthy boundary around that.

I mean... (exhales)

I never would have done this.

I never would have been able to even...

be part of this if you hadn't set it up.

How come she didn't know that?

I'm not good at strategies.

Isn't that what a
manager's supposed to do?

(scoffs)

We've been together 20
years. We're like family.

But you're asking me if I
could do a Broadway run?

Well, yes, I would like to.

I would like to say that I did that,

that I was on Broadway.

Then you should do it.

I can talk to Tressa for you.

There are ways to make this work.

Oof.

All right, well, I'll
see you back in L.A.

Wait. What are you doing?

I got to go up to my
room, make some calls.

But the cast... we're all gonna
go have drinks and sing songs.

(chuckling): I need to work.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Please, please.

Okay, let's just go in here for
one drink. One drink, okay?

- Okay, one drink.
- Okay, good.

- (phone rings)
- Ooh. I'm sorry.

- That's all right.
- Wait. Hang on.

Do you mind if I take this?

Yeah, I'll order for you.

Okay. Thanks.

(sighs)

Hello.

- TRESSA: How'd it go?
- The reading?

No, the opera. Yes, the reading.

Well, there's a lot of buzz.

Mer says they're gonna
take it to Broadway.

Oh, Mer's there.

(sighs) Yeah, she's the one

who thought of me for this.

You know, she figured
that the playwright and I

might connect, so...

Mer told you this?

Yeah, after the thing. What?

- So, you want to do it?
- I don't know.

But this is good. It's good.

I'm gonna make this an
easy conversation for you.

What conversation?

You obviously feel the need to
move on to greener pastures.

And I get it. We've been
together a long time.

And we both respect each other.

But you feel the need
to shake things up.

I don't. I'm not saying
that. Have I said that?

And I value our friendship too
much to stand in your way.

This conversation has
been a long time coming.

Since the movie.

And I want you to feel that you
have the support you need,

- so I will step aside.
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. Tressa.

You don't need to say
another word. I get it.

Best of luck to you, Sam.

(groans)

(scoffs)

- What, just now?
- Mm-hmm.

- Just now.
- Why?

I don't know. She's jealous.

She gets her feelings hurt all the time.

I can't ever tell her about
anything that goes on.

She's always like, "Well, I wanted to go

to the thing with you."

Why? I didn't invite you.

- You hurt her feelings.
- Yes.

I can't stand working with women.

I hate it. They get so
fricking emotional.

Uh-huh. Anything that
smells like a feeling,

you can't do that. (inhales)

- Can't do that.
- Look,

I get what feelings are,

but I also know how women
are, and it is so boring.

I know this is bait and I
should walk away from it,

but I kind of can't because it's
absurd, what you're saying.

Yeah, it's also kind of true.

Someone should punch you for saying it.

I mean, I know it looks
like I'm getting worked up.

I know it looks like
you're riling me up,

but you're just so wrong.

So essentially wrong.

Women are so much more complicated

than the way you're portraying them.

You're just ragging on them

'cause of your own suppressed,
fearful bullshit,

so you got to put it all over women.

I wish you would just evolve already.

- You evolve.
- You evolve.

You evolve.

(chuckling): You evolve.

(chuckles)

Would you like me to do
something about this?

About Tressa?

No, not about Tressa.

About this.

Oh.

Um...

Oh.

Yes or no?

(sighs)

Yes or no?

I'm not... not saying no.

You're really something else.

Uh, what?

Come on, Sam. Come on.

Look, you say things to me,

and you look at me a certain way,

and I get dizzy.

You know, it feels like flirting.

- But that's not what it is.
- It is.

It feels like flirting because it is.

No, no, no. I'm...

It's a line from Hannah and Her Sisters.

"I'm a little buzzed
from all this flirting."

I'm fine. Either way, I'm fine.

But just so you know, I
didn't misinterpret.

I didn't pick up on something
that wasn't there.

And I'm not even blaming you.

I know better. I do.

I've seen it a thousand times.

Seen what?

Oh, that's right.

"I don't know what's happening."

Your entire sense of self

has been scrambled. I get
it. I've scrambled you.

It doesn't make sense for
you to be attracted to me.

I don't have a d*ck.

Well, I have a sack full
of dicks. But still...

I understand. Confusing.

Wait, go back. You have a sack of them?

(chuckles): No. No.

And yet, my dear,

even if you don't know what it means,

I've been around this block

many, many more times than you have.

So there's no need to gaslight me.

No need.

We'll just call it a draw.

Good night, then.

See you.

GABRIELLE: This song is great.

Okay!

♪ I have often walked ♪

♪ Down this street before ♪

♪ But the pavement always stayed ♪

♪ Beneath my feet before ♪

♪ All at once am I ♪

♪ Several stories high ♪

♪ Knowing I'm on the street ♪

♪ Where you live ♪

♪ Are there lilac trees ♪

♪ In the heart of town? ♪

♪ Can you hear a lark ♪

♪ In any other part of town? ♪

♪ Does enchantment pour ♪

♪ Out of every door? ♪

♪ No, it's just on the street ♪

♪ Where you live ♪

GABRIELLE: Here we go.

♪ And, oh ♪

♪ The towering feeling ♪

♪ Just to know ♪

♪ Somehow you are near ♪

♪ The overpowering feeling ♪

♪ That any second you
may suddenly appear ♪

(woman laughs)

♪ People stop and stare ♪

♪ They don't bother me ♪

♪ For there's nowhere else on Earth ♪

♪ That I would rather be ♪

♪ Let the time go by ♪

♪ I won't care if I ♪

♪ Can be here ♪

♪ On the street ♪

♪ Where you live ♪

♪ And, oh ♪

♪ The towering feeling ♪

♪ Just to know somehow you are near ♪

- I'm here.
- There you are.

♪ The overpowering feeling ♪

♪ That any second ♪

♪ You may suddenly appear ♪

MAN: Hey, Norm, take us home.

♪ People stop and stare ♪

♪ They don't bother me ♪

♪ For there's nowhere else on Earth ♪

♪ That I would rather be ♪

♪ Let the time roll by ♪

♪ I won't care if I ♪

♪ Can be here on the street ♪

♪ Where you live. ♪

(cheering, whooping)

♪ Daisy, Daisy ♪

♪ Give me your answer, do ♪

♪ I'm half crazy ♪

♪ All for the love of you ♪

♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪

♪ I can't afford a carriage ♪

♪ But you'll look sweet upon the seat ♪

♪ Of a bicycle built for two ♪

- JON JON: One more time!
- NORM: Oh!

♪ Daisy, Daisy ♪

♪ Give me your answer, do ♪

♪ I'm half crazy ♪

♪ All for the love of you ♪

♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪

GABRIELLE: Dump him.

♪ I can't afford a carriage ♪

♪ But you'll look sweet upon the seat ♪

- ♪ Of a bicycle built for two. ♪
- GABRIELLE: Meow, meow, meow.