04x01 - The Search

[bunniefuu]

Baby! It's fine, Okay.
She left her stupid alpaca.

She doesn't go anywhere
without this thing.

- Where are you going?
- Got to go get my alpaca.

Oh, my God, you're 14.

We need to chat.

DELILAH: Mom, Dad, it's me.

I guess by now you've
figured out that I've run away.

When I'm gone, I'm gonna
miss you most of all.

Where am I going?
I'm going far away.

It wasn't an easy
decision to make,

but it was one I made
a long time ago.

God, I'm sick of being
on this loser team.

Hey, we're not down
by that much, okay?

- Stay positive.
- I'm talking about our family!

You're still a bitch!

Do not talk
to your mother that way!

And who are you?
Are you this bitch's friend?

I just want you to know
that I love you all,

but I can probably
do better on my own.

- That's the guy you like?
- Mm-hmm.

But mostly I'm just
using him for his car.

Please, don't come
looking for me.

I don't want to be found.

So believe me when I tell you
you'll never find me.

♪ ♪

[ HORSE SNORTS ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

[ HORSES NEIGHING ]

[ HORSES SNORTING ]

ROBIN: Wait, hold on.
What's going on?

Why are you turning back?

They seem a little freaked out,
don't they?

He's just talking about my hat.

[ CHUCKLES ] Merci.

- Whoa! Guys!
- Wait!

- Hey!
- Guys, where you going?

Nate, I'm a little scared.
I think we should go with them.

What are you talking about?

The village is only
a mile away from here.

Yeah, but based on their
reaction and the smell of things,

I-I think maybe we should
just go with them.

[ SNIFFS ] It smells like
dead skunks. So what?

Yeah, what plant that smells
like dead skunks

would freak the police out?

- Raisins.
- God, it's weed.

Weed's not a plant.

Come on, Nate.
Let's just go.

Absolutely not!
Okay?

We have been searching
for our daughter for months,

and this is the closest lead
that we've had, okay?

We know for a fact
that she was in Machu Picchu.

- In Peru.
- And that guy there...

That you paid money to.

...who very reliably
told me

that in that village
just over that fence

there is a little blond girl
who ran away from America...

- Turn around.
- ...a mile away from here!

- Nate, turn around.
- No! Never! All right?

Turning around is giving up,
and I don't give up on family.

Oh, you don't?
You gave up on Vanessa.

She's not fam...

She framed you twice.

What about Edie?

She stole my sperm,

shoved it up her vag*na,
and made a baby with it, okay?

That's an insane woman.

I don't give up on family
that I like.

One, two, three.

All right, I don't want
to give up either

but I'm very concerned
about our safety.

Babe, nothing's gonna happen.

Have you forgotten who I am?

I'm a dad with
a particular set of skills.

Let's ride!

Hyah!

Come on!
Whoo! Let's go!

Hyah! Hyah!

Whoo! Come on!
Yeah! Get some!

Whoo! Go!

[ HORSE GRUNTING ]

- Oh!
- Ooh.

Oh.

Oh, you okay, babe?

I'm going to find my daughter.

With or without
this lazy assh*le.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

That's...

That's a dead head.

It's a dead head.

These are real human heads.

They couldn't say "dead head"
in English?!

[ MAN SCREAMS, g*nf*re ]

Go!

Go! Run!

Fast! Go!

[ HORSE NEIGHS ]

Wait for me, you ******* idiot!

Now you run!

Oh, now you run!

You stupid idiot!

Get back here!

[ WOMAN SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪ ♪

[ DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ROBIN: [ SIGHS ] They
say a storm's coming in.

- Who's they?
- The locals.

- [ SIGHS ]
- What the hell do they know?

The weather pattern
of the mountain

they've spent their entire lives
living in the shadow of.

Okay, well, then
it's the perfect storm.

No, please don't invoke a trip
where everybody dies.

It was a movie.
No one really d*ed, okay?

And besides,
it's the perfect storm

because she's gonna
be trapped up there,

nowhere to go, terrified.

- It's great.
- I don't know, Nate.

This lead is really thin.

All we know is that
she's in Tibet... somewhere.

Yeah, and a guy, who I did not
pay money to this time,

said there's
a little ninja starfish

entertaining monks
in an ancient temple

singing a song called
"It's Fun Being Weird."

How is that not her?

Hey, was this the same guy
who said

that there was a young taekwondo
master at the Taj Mahal?

- Different guy.
- Oh, then maybe it was the...

No, no, no, ba-da-da.

Do not bring up Japan, okay?
No Japan.

Good.

I don't know.

Did you ever think maybe she
just doesn't want to be found?

She sends us videos
every month, right?

- Yeah.
- They're a cry for help.

They're saying, "Mommy, Daddy,
please come find me."

Do not come find me.

- Can't listen to her words.
- Oh, okay.

Listen to my words...
Do not come find me.

She's a child.

She still needs us
to teach her things.

I taught myself how to swim.

I even learned the breaststroke.

- It's the easiest to learn.
- It's not.

Okay.

Check out the ninja starfish!

She taught herself
how to play guitar!

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

Okay, just shut it off,
all right?

She needs her parents.
Period.

- So does Jared.
- Oh, he's fine. He's a boy.

No. No.

[ SPEAKING CANTONESE ]

No! No.
We're moving too fast.

I don't even know your name.

Hey, phone, how do you say,
"what is your name" in Chinese?

[ SPEAKING CANTONESE ]

No h-way.

No h-way!

[ GUITAR RIFF PLAYS ]
Yeah!

This is so cool.

Now we're connecting.
All right.

Hey, phone, how do you say,
"What is your age?" in Chinese?

[ SPEAKING CANTONESE ]

No, that's only 10.

Okay, 10 in China years,
but, uh, how many in American?

♪ ♪

Geez.

♪ ♪

[ PANTING ]

♪ ♪

Ready for a hike?

♪ ♪

Hey! There he is.

Whoa, geez.
You all right?

Yeah. Yeah, we got to
get out of here right now.

- We got to get out of here.
- Yeah, absolutely.

See, that's my un-stunted boy.

When it comes to family,
he knows how to get some.

Yeah, just got some,
and she was 10.

10? She was...

- Nice.
- No. Don't.

Don't condone him
rating women numerically.

- Gross.
- Yeah, it's gross, man.

It's what's on the inside
that counts. Right.

Okay, and I betcha
she's a 10 in there too.

I didn't know!

All right.
He wants to find his sister.

- So weird.
- Let's get some.

Whoo!

- Race you up the mountain!
- I'm not doing that.

[ LAUGHS ]

Why are we going down?

Jared, wait up!
Come on!

Save some energy.

Come on, get in.

Get in what? That's not ours.
It's my girlfriend's.

She said we can use it
to go upriver.

- Up to where?
- The temple!

- Let's go!
- The temple's up the mountain.

She told me about
a secret Chinese entrance.

Dad, please!
Just trust me.

- Okay.
- What?

Okay. What's the worst
that could happen

if we're going the wrong way?

- You sure about this?
- Yes, yes!

Okay.

You're lucky I'm a boat guy.

Load up.

♪ ♪

Ancient Chinese shortcut, my...
Ow!

[ WIND CHIMES TINKLING ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

How'd you find me?

We looked all over
the world for you.

Did you ever think maybe
I didn't want to be found?

Why'd you do it?
Why'd you leave?

So many different reasons.
None of which were you.

That's good to know.

It's been a really rough year
for me.

Um, what the...

Oh, this is Lupe.

I met her in Peru
at that Pikachu temple.

Mm. Mmm.

Gracias.

Dear God.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe I've just
missed you so much

that I'm just replacing you
with random girls

or you really were just the
biggest cock bock in the world

and things are finally
just working out great for me.

[ WHISTLES ]

♪ ♪

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

I sure hope you're being a
gentleman with all these girls.

Of course. This chick, Sunitha,
I met her in India.

Her boobs were completely
different sizes.

I didn't say anything.
Did not even mention it to her.

♪ ♪

[ WIND HOWLING ]

I think he's warming up.

I'm just really worried
that he's...

He's leaving a trail of chaos
behind him

because we've been on the road
this whole time.

You know, he never has to
face any of the consequences.

He was making out with a child.

Okay, in his defense,
she did not look 10.

What are you t...
We were all wearing snowsuits.

How do you know?
I'm amazing at guessing ages.

Oh, my God.
I could've worked at a carnival.

I'm not great at guessing weight

'cause I always think people
are fatter than they are.

- Nate. Nate.
- You know, for me, it's...

Nate, we... we...
We got to flip him.

- What?
- Just...

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yep, yep.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
Come here, pal.

That's it.

No, listen, I'm not condoning
what he did, okay?

- But he didn't... Oh!
- Yeah.

- No!
- Yes.

- No! Take him back.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- It's too weird. It's too weird.
- Take him back! Take him back!

- It's too weird.
- It's not weird for me?

- It's not sexual.
- Ew! Gross!

Why would you even say that?!
Of course it's not!

You didn't have a problem
with it when he was a baby.

You used to laugh at it.

Yeah, 'cause it was
half the size of my pinkie

when he was a baby,
and it was funny

because no one ever tells you
babies can do that.

- Now take it back!
- No! No!

You have more experience
with this.

It should be pointing at you.

My experience with it
is pointing away from me.

Well, is there anything
we can do to get rid of it?

Oh, my God!
No!

I don't... I mean, I don't know!

- Gross!
- What do you mean?

Why would you want me to...

Absolutely not!

It's not a stiff neck.
It's a stiff...

Sweetie, he's shivering.
Please.

Okay, fine.
Fine. Fine.

There's nothing weird
about this, okay?

It's just a...
father and mother

trying to warm up their son
with a big...

You're doing great.
You're doing great.

It's not... It's not...
I can't do it.

I can't do it.
I can't do it!

It's too weird!
I'm going to get our daughter.

Nate, no!

- No. No, I'm going. Sorry.
- Nate!

I'm sick of waiting around for
a storm that's not coming.

I'm going to get her myself.

[ WIND HOWLING ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey!

Hey, buddy!
You okay?

Buddy!
Can you hear me?

You're gonna be all right!

I could've been a doctor!

♪ ♪

Aw, sh*t.
You're dead, aren't you?

Hey!

Hey!
This guy's dead!

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

We can't leave him here!

We got to get him
off this mountain!

No man left behind.
You ever heard the expression?

1982?

Well, that explains the neon.

I'm gonna get you out of here!

I just got to find
my daughter first.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ah!
What's up, man?

Whew!
That is a hell of a climb.

I'm assuming by the getup that,
uh, this is the ancient temple.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[ GRUNTS ]

Whew!

Oh, come on, man.

I just climbed through
a crippling snowstorm.

You don't think I can make it
up another 3 feet

without being attached
to a child safety string?

Come on.
I'm a pro.

sh*t.
sh*t.

Aw, sh*t!

[BLEEP]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTING CONTINUES ]

♪ ♪

[ LAUGHS ]

Aaaah!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t.

[ SCREAMING, GRUNTING ]

♪ ♪

Aaaah!

Oh, I got you.

I told you
I'd come back for you!

Yeah!
I'm riding you like a motherf...

Aah!
[ GRUNTS ]

[ SCREAMING ]

Aw, sh*t!

[ SCREAMING ECHOING ]

Aw, sh*t!
Aah!

[ GRUNTING ]

♪ ♪

[ SCREAMING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

Aah!

Oh! Babe!

I'm so glad you stayed.

I think we should all really
be together as a family

to greet her, you know?

All right, let's go on.
The storm's passed.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

I fell down a mountain.

[ DOORS CREAK ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ DOORS CLOSE ]

♪ ♪

NATE: Oh, hey.

How are you?
Good to see you again.

I was the guy
that... fell.

Oh!
You got my backpack!

I thought I lost it.

Ah, bless your heart.

So, is our daughter here?

Oh, yeah.
Uh, do you have any cash?

- Oh, yeah.
- This is karma, right?

That's what we're doing?

- What does he need money for?
- I don't know.

Beads? Tea?
Haircuts aren't free.

Also, what do you care?
I just don't want to hear anymore

that Buddhists
are the good ones.

They all take your money.

Hey, can you do me a favor?
Be like the Buddhists

and take a vow of silence
for a few minutes?

Sorry.

[ CHANTING ]
♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

Ha! I'm the mayor!
This thing is fun!

That's factory setting.
Sorry, it's...

NATE: Delilah,
we've been to every corner

of this earth looking for you,

and there's nothing
we wouldn't give

to just sit quietly on a beach
with you again

and watch your amazing
breasts... breasts... breasts...

Breasts... br-br-breast...
Breast...

Stop! Stop! Stop!
It's breaststroke!

The swimming move
you taught yourself. I'm...

Stop. Stop, please.
Please, Nate, stop.

Delilah, honey, we just... we
need one minute of your time,

just one minute, to let you know
how much we love you.

What the...

Who are you?

Where's my daughter?

W-What have you done
with my daughter?

This is her song.
How do you know this song?

Where is my daughter?!

How do you know this song?!

YouTube.

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

♪ It's fun being weird ♪

♪ You should try it sometime ♪

JARED: I want to go home.
ROBIN: I know, honey. We're going home.

Not like a hotel,
like home, home.

I don't want to travel anymore.

I want a full-size toothpaste.

Okay, we'll get you
one of those.

I can't go.
I need my daughter back.

So do I.

But she doesn't want
to come home.

Nate, she's off
seeing the world,

and we have to face the fact

that she doesn't want
to be found.

I can't live without her, okay?

That means I can't leave
without her.

What about us?

I need a husband.
Jared needs a father.

And I can't be good
at either of those things

until I have her back.

Listen to me.

If we don't start learning
from our mistakes,

we are doomed to repeat them.

Thought you hated Buddhists.
That's not Buddhism.

It's just me calling
my shitty parenting a mistake.

I get it.
I suck.

But I don't want the same thing
to happen to him.

I have like maybe two years
left with him,

and I need to make them count.

So please, Nate, let's go home.

Come on.

[ HELICOPTER WHIRRING ]

I love you both.

- Honey, she's not here.
- I got to check.

- Okay, they're good.
- Nate! No!

What are you doing?
She's not here!

Nate! Come back!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ MEN CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, guys,
just checking in from Rome.

You know, being weird.
Not doing what the Romans do.

Just going for a paddle
in New Zealand.

Hut-hut! Hut-hut!

This is my 18th and final video
from Egypt.

Hey, mate, you said
you were gonna help us row.

[ AUSTRALIAN ACCENT ]
Oh, sorry, mate.

I'm just exhausted,
you know, mentally.

Been looking for my daughter
for over a year.

You know, you wouldn't believe
how hard it is

to find one person
on this tiny globe.

You know, it's like finding
a needle in a haystack.

Or more like a corn dog
in Egypt.

[ NORMAL VOICE ]
Is that a Maori phrase?

I like that.
I'm gonna use that.

No, man, I'm saying she's eating
a corn dog in Egypt.

That's weird.

That is weird.

There's no corn dogs in Egypt.

There's no corn dogs in Egypt!

This is my 18th and final video.

That's just par for the course.

MAN: She's eating a corn dog in Egypt.
That's weird.

DELILAH: Hut-hut! Hut-hut!

Putt-putt.

Guys, it's putt-putt!

She went to putt-putt!

This is in Syracuse!

She didn't go anywhere!

I used to take her here
all the time!

I'd be so mad at myself
for being such an idiot

and not realizing this

[CRYING]
but I'm so happy right now.

You're a very wise culture.

Cheer up, buddy.

- Te waka.
- "Te waka" means "canoe."

Te waka!

Oh, hell!
You should probably stay in it!

'Cause that's a long swim, bro!

[ MEN CHANTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE ]