04x05 - The Year

[bunniefuu]

I can't get over the new look.

Um, it... it's like
a grown-up version of you.

And you're drinking hot chocolate.

I mean, that's... that's grown-up, man.

It's coffee. I love it.

Delicious.

Yeah. So how's your year been?

I mean, what's the story?

You want the long version
or the short version?

Uh, which one's faster?

I had money, I had freedom,

and was ready to live
the life of my dreams.

Oh, this version's taking forever.

It's literally been five seconds.

Really? It felt a lot longer,

especially 'cause Mom and Dad
weren't in this one.

Spoiler alert...
They're not in this story.

Oh, sh*t.

What is it about life-changing events

that make women want
to cut all their hair off

with kitchen scissors?

I don't know!

Still, a year on your own.

I mean, you're like a legit adult now.

Sure you don't want some kids' food?

I mean, just for old time's sake.

Nice doughnut French toast.

No one can resist that.

This is so good!

I know. I thought you might like it.

I spent two years planning my escape

and zero time thinking about

what to do after I actually got free.

So, what did you do?

I did what any 16 year old
with a fake back story would do.

I went to college.

_

It was a bastion of free thinking,

inclusive idealism,

a place where I could learn
and grow as a person who...

God damn it!

Sorry about that.

That's okay.

Hey, but that's what practice
is for, right, girls?

Oh, you weren't talking to me.

Oh, that's so sad.

It gets sadder.

Are you thinking of joining a cappella?

Aca-lutely.

- What?
- Defi-notely!

Oh, yeah. We don't do puns.

We do pitch. Can you match?

Try and stop me, pitch.

Well, that was... aca-ward.

It just feels like we should be
raising money for research,

and every dollar you waste
on your virtue-signaling swag

is one dollar less
that goes to a viable cure.

You seem like fun.

I mean, I get the
benefits of developing material.

I just think it's unfair to ask people

to watch a shitty rehearsal.

And we have got to lose
these matching bowling shirts.

And scene.

Aah!

What the hell?!

You just got your big
balls flying everywhere,

- don't ya?!
- What?

Oh, should I speak slower
because of your crippling CTE?!

Or maybe the short shorts
are cutting off oxygen...

Aah! God damn it!

And scene.

Ow.

It's hard fitting in here,

but there are some people
who accept everybody.

We're those people.

I want to thank you all

for giving up your
Sunday afternoon to be here.

But that's the only time
that Dean Shroff

said the building was available.

But lest we not be triggered.

Onward and upward.

We have a new member joining us.

Welcome, Delilah.

Hi! I'm Delilah.

I just want to say I think it's great

you guys are preaching
love and tolerance...

Pause. Can we unpack what you
meant when you said "you guys"?

Just like the people in this room.

Then say that, please. Words matter.

Can we pause again?
What do you have on your feet?

I, uh... shoes?

Delilah, those shoes are t*rture items

steeped in the female sl*ve trade.

A misogynist construct
designed to oppress us.

Really? I just wanted to look
good for my first week of college.

Your enjoyment of your
oppression is problematic.

It's not that big of a deal, is it?

Please don't diminish my reaction

to your microaggression.

Wait. Hold on. Are you mad?

And please don't speak to me

in a passive-aggressive tone, okay?

Thank you.

What's wrong with
a sensible pair of shoes?

Hm, I like those.

I'm gonna chalk up
your heteronormativesplaining

to an ideological mind virus.

I don't understand what that means.

I think I'm literally going to be sick.

Oh, my God. Do you need a barf bag?

Did zer just invoke God in this space?

God? Do you believe in God?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my science.

Have you not undergone any
unconscious bias training?

What?

It's like she's never
even seen Samantha Bee.

Who?

Can someone privilege-check her, please?

White privilege. Cis privilege.

Orthodontic privilege.

Thick hair privilege.
Eyebrow privilege.

Oh, come on. That's not a thing.

Tell that to Pam No-brows.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, can we just slow down
and look at my side here?

Okay, so now there's two sides
to every argument?

Classic ze said, ze said, huh?

You know, I came here because
I thought this was a group

of people who placed value
on diversity and acceptance.

But you guys just seem like
a bunch of judgy white chicks.

I am 1/16 Cherokee.

I'm trying to become bisexual.

Do you think we like
being in a club of hypocrites?

The minorities on this
campus refuse to join us,

and you know what?

They wouldn't understand
their problems anyway.

As co-co-co-co-co-president,
I can't ask you to leave,

but I am allowed to show you
where the door is.

It's there.

Sometimes a fun strappy kitten heel

is just a fun strappy kitten heel.

God damn it! Mother[bleep]

Damn it!

Where do those keep coming from?!

So did you have any fun?

Oh, yeah. Remember that
awesome church in New York?

- No.
- Dad walked on water

and made out with a bunch
of hot blonde Australian girls?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, come on. You remember.

We were baptised, and Mom was furious.

Season 2.

Season 2? What does that even mean?

Spring, summer, fall, winter.

Happened in summer. Season 2 of 4.

There's only four seasons?

For now. Anyway...

guess where I went.

I don't know.

Statue of Liberty.

Oh, Paris.

New York! I went to New York.

Oh. God.

_

Heeey!

Hey what?

It's me... Delilah.

Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

See, people need more context.

I met you a few years ago,

and you said I was
welcome back any time.

Well, I stole some money from
my family and ran away,

and here I am.

You stole money? How much?

About $150,000.

Well, where is it now?

In my backpack!

Oh, dear.

Girls.

Girls!

One second.

Girls!

Found this, uh, little sinner
out here on our doorstep.

You remember Delilah, don't you?

Oh, yeah!

Of course! Who could forget?

And, Delilah, you remember
my sisters Laura and Nicole.

Yeah. I thought Laura was your mom.

Oh, mom in a way that we're all
each other's mother and sister.

So, Delilah just stole $150,000
from her family.

Oh, no. Delilah.

You have come

to the right place.

God can forgive,
but it's gonna take some work.

Cool, cool. So can I come in?

Nah.

Let's go out.

Whoo!

Oh, my God.

This place looks expensive.

- It is.
- Yeah.

And we've fallen
on some pretty hard times.

Jesus tried challenging our
dad, Levi, with a test

and implicated us in a tax fraud
and real estate scandal.

Did he pass?

Real estate's being
settled out of court.

Fraud's still pending.

I suppose we could just hack our
hair off with kitchen shears.

Nah. I can afford it.

Bless!

Oh, my God! You're the best!
You're the best!

- Delilah.
- Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t. This is so expensive.

Am I paying for everybody's?

Give to the poor and you will
have riches in heaven.

- You know who said that, don't you?
- Jesus?

He did. Matthew 19:21.

- No.
- No.

No.

I've got it!

Yeah. My turn.

No, my turn, my turn.

I could stay at a motel for a
year for what this skirt costs.

Oh, Delilah.
You can't put a price on joy.

But if you had to, it'd be $25,152.

Holy [bleep]

Come on, Delilah. Give us a smile.

God loves a cheerful giver.

Corinthians 9:7.

Don't worry.
We've got another bottle coming.

Great. What's another $15,000
bottle delivered by a monkey?

I sense some sarcasm,
but $15,000 is a bargain.

I've seen some monkey champagne
for as high as $17.5 million.

We got a bottle of monkey champagne

to go to table 13!

Monkey champagne!

- And I guess I'm paying for it, huh?!
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, what's all this who pays for this,

who pays for that, Delilah?

It's not very Christian.
In fact, it's kind of Jewish.

Well, then call me Jewish
and this bottle's Christ,

'cause I'm k*lling it!

Oh, that's kind of anti-Semitic.

The Romans k*lled Christ, right?

I think so.

Hey! Who needs cash?!

'Cause God apparently says

if you don't give it all
away, you suck!

sh*t-zekeal 69!

No, Ezekiel only had 47 chapters.

[Bleep] off!

Oh, Delilah, it's a joke.

We're taking the piss out of ya.

You want to take the piss out of me?!

Fine! You can take that, too!

Take it all!

Can I have your attention, please?

I would like to introduce you
to someone who was a sinner

but came to us and found
her way, just like all of you.

Please give our newest sister
a warm welcome

to our community... Delilah!

Oh.

I-I... You fed me alcohol.

No, I didn't. We're a Christian club.

You're drinking non-alcoholic fizzy.

Then... Then why am I drunk?

You're not. No one is.

We're just high on Christ.

Well, uh, what should I do now?

Well, I'd say "piss off,"

but you already have...

all over the table.

Aah!

How is this woman even my mother?

I know. Sometimes Dad does stuff,

and I'm like, "There's no way
I'm related to that guy."

Heh.

Anyway, so, you were two months in,

you got a shitty haircut, no money.

- What'd you do then?
- I did what she did.

I found the money tree.

Great to see you, little gummy bear.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I cannot believe J.R.'s back!

I mean, why would you bury
him in the third story?

The guy's a star.

I mean, you lead with that sh*t, man.

You lead with it.

Man, J.R.'s so cool.

I can't do it, kid.

I took a sh*t at
parenting, and I choked.

Well, not literally.

I never gave a sh*t
enough to get violent.

To choke somebody,
you have to have expectations.

I was just a lousy dad.

You know,
I'm not asking you to parent me.

- Uh-huh.
- I want to help you run dr*gs

or whatever you're running.

- Soccer balls?
- Full of dr*gs?

No, I'm just making
charitable runs to Russia.

That doesn't sound like you.

You're right. It doesn't.

I'll have to work on that story.

Still and all, I can't have you
leading this kind of life.

You're not cut out for it.

I stole $150,000,
an identity, and a car.

I'm good at this thief stuff.

But I'm not a thief.

I just happen to think
governments do nothing

to deserve the huge taxes
and tariffs they make me pay.

Well, they built this port

and the highway I took to get here.

Touché.

I'll tell you what.

If you can spot the heat
that's watching us right now,

you're in.

I can always use a good pair of eyes.

Oh, okay. Um, let's see.

Um...

Well...

Uh...

There's no one here.

Well, then, the answer's
pretty clear, isn't it?

Oh!

Oh, it's you, isn't it?

Jesus Christ.

I got it. There is no heat.

There's always heat.
You just can't always spot them.

Wait, that was a trick question.

Sorry, kid. You're out.

You have a nice life.

Hey, Conrad.

Take this paperwork down to the
dock manager and get it stamped.

Then let's get the hell out of here.

I can do that.

Knock yourself out.

Yes!

Um, hi there. I-I'm here to...

- Paperwork.
- Here.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, totally.

These numbers look off.

What are you shipping?

Uh, balls. Soccer balls.

We... We call 'em soccer balls.

The rest of the world
calls them footballs.

What do you call them here in Canada?

Soccer balls.

Well, you shouldn't,

because, when you think about it,

soccer... soccer...
"footballs" makes more sense

because you play with your foot.

Balls. Feet.

Fo... balls.

Come with me. Mm-hmm.

sh*t.

You know, you probably should've
joined the improv club.

You'd be a lot quicker on your feet.

Hey, when's Pee paw
coming back to the story?

That guy's awesome.

- One second. Pee paw!
- Hey!

- Pee paw!
- Hey! Let's open it up.

Why? It's just soccer balls,

uh, like I said, for kids.

- Poor kids. D-Do you have kids?
- No.

Uh, well, you'd make an awesome dad.

You really should have kids.

So, can we just sign the papers

so we can get the hell out of here?

Either you open it or the heat does.

It's your call.

Um...

- Okay. I guess I'm opening it.
- Wait.

You really don't have to open it.

It's just... Let me just get
my Pee paw for a second.

You really don't have to open it.

Aah! God! I'm covered in dr*gs!

It burns! Help me!

dr*gs!

Are you seeing this?

This is just so much worse
than I thought it would be.

It burns! dr*gs!

It's milk! Chill!

So, this whole thing was just for milk?

Well, I mean, if you think

Grade A Canadian h*m*
milk is just milk.

But... But you told me it was dr*gs!

I definitely did not.

Though it'd be a hell of a lot easier

to ship this sh*t if it were dr*gs.

h*m* milk, huh? Is that from gay cows?

"h*m*" is short for "h*m*."

Here, man.

- My man.
- Good to see you.

All right, man.

One oligarch controls 99%
of the Russian dairy market,

so the people have no
choice but to drink

his overpriced,
under-pasteurized swill.

This h*m* stuff is
cheap, and it's easy,

which is what the Russian
people really want.

Okay, boys!

Clean this up.
Let's get it on the boat.

Wait, please.
I don't have anywhere else to go.

Go home.

You don't belong here.

You're not like your mother.
You're a good person.

This will barely get me a bus ticket.

So? You'll steal the rest.

You're good at this thief stuff, right?

Isn't that what you told me?

You just gave that guy
a thousand bucks!

No, that guy just earned
a thousand bucks.

You told me it was dr*gs.

No, I didn't!

Yeah!

Get some! Oh, yeah!

So, why'd you do it? Why'd you leave?

I just wanted a place to belong

where people accepted me for who I am.

You had that. It's called home.

I know, but we were so messed up.

What family isn't?

I bet you guys barely
even noticed I was gone.

Are you kidding me?

We travelled the globe
chasing your videos.

You guys actually went
to all those places?!

Bet you guys had
a lot of fun without me.

Oh, no. It was terrible.

But Japan.

Oh, God. Japan was the worst.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
_

Ha-ha!

Aaaaaah!