04x06 - The Game Show

[bunniefuu]

Let's go!

How are you doing?

This harness is really cutting
off circulation to my balls,

so if someone could please
get me down, I'd appreciate...

Whoa! [Horn honks]

Oh! Get me down! [Horn honks]

Get me down!

Get me a ladder or something!

Put the ladder down!

Wait, wait.

What the [Horn honks] is this show?

Oh, yeah.

The old pie in the face gag.

Ultimate humiliation.

The suit's kind of doing that already.

Ohhh, no.

Ha ha.

What'd he say?
I think he said "leech"...

Oh, baby. There's leeches on your face.

Then get them off! Take them off!

- Me?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Ooh.

Alright. Humiliation endured, right?

Stupid American family.

People of Japan, listen to me, please.

Our daughter has been
missing for over a year.

- Her name's Delilah... What? What?
- Shh, shh, shh! No, no!

You have to respect the game.
We have to earn time.

I earned it by having
leeches on my face.

Come on.

Hey, I'm still harnessed here.

Ah [Horn honks]

Ah! [Horn honks]

Oh, milk it!

Oh, yes.

Japanese cow schoolgirl power!

Yeah, I think I finally
found something I'm good at.

And I don't think
I'm allergic to cats anymore.

Yeah.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

Babe, this is what
we signed up for, okay?

Ohh!

God!

Oh, my God.

Why would you pick pots and pans?

Because I thought I was
picking things to take home.

Ohh, we have pots and pans.

No, those are cast iron.

We have the non-stick imitation kind.

These are so much better.

Before I do this,

I want you to remember how much
interest I take in your hobbies.

I know, baby, and that's why
I love you so much.

Come on.

That's a...

Why would you choose a bowling ball?

Because you love bowling.

I always thought you wanted
to get your own ball.

Oh, God.

Please say the last thing is a pillow.

But we have pillows.

What is it?

Okay, baby. It is gonna hurt real bad.

What is it?

It's a microwave.

Why would you pick a microwave?!

Because you know that little
nook in the kitchen

right in the corner,
the one we have that sticks out,

and this one will go perfectly
in that little area.

The big one has worked
fine for 16 years!

Well, obviously, we'll take the cash.

Ow!

Bucket's full.

- Drink.
- Drink the milk.

Come on. Drink the milk. Drink a lot!

Oh, oh, the milk!

It's so hot!

I thought this came from a fake cow.

Ugh.

We really shouldn't
drink other species' milk.

Unless after Bozosan's

chocolate cake-flavor shrimp chips.

Bozosan's chocolate-flavor
shrimp chips.

Moo!

- I'm done!

Jared, talk about your sister!

- What?
- Talk about your sister.

Jared. Sister.

What are you doing?

Keep flossing, Jared-o.

Stop flossing, Jared-o.

Stop flossing and talk
about your [Horn honks] sister!

I can't. Everyone loves it.

Time's up!

Let's go!

I can't do it. I can't do it.

I'm not gonna touch
another man's penis.

Hai.

Have you never touched a penis
you didn't want to?

- No, never.
-

Mom, please.

It's just 12 penises.

With Bozosan's
Bitcoin-flavored shrimp chips.

Number one for tech nerds
and human traffickers.

Welcome back to the show.

Now for the most American
show host ever.

Please welcome Johnny Meatballs.

I'll go on first.

Ha ha, Abbott and Costello.

Mr. Baseball! Tom Selleck!

I'm not understanding this game at all.

You think I get it?

I think he's gonna ask us questions.

We answer truthfully.

Uh...

What?

- 39.
- Don't cheat.

I'm 39 years old.

I don't know. It doesn't seem right.

- Yes.
- Why would you say that?

No lie.

Okay, okay.

American sweetheart Brittany Spears-u.

Or American Big Mac cheeseburger.

Ooh.

Yeah. Americans eat more
than fish and rice. Cool.

Britney Spears.

- Me?
- Yes.

Oh, uh, I don't... I don't...
I don't... what is...

Pick a name for the dog.

Bandit. No. I don't like that.

I... Spot.

No, hold on.
It's Band... Bandit was better.

I want Bandit. Let's go with Bandit.

Uh-oh.

Did... Did we win?

How much time did we win?

Hold on. So the dog's name
was actually Spot,

which means she lies.

That is a lie.

And also, don't you just have to
answer yes or no on polygraphs?

- Isn't that how it works?
-

Yes.

She has. Yes, thank you
for bringing that up.

- That's why we're here.
-

- Great. Fantastic.
-

- Awesome.
-

Yeah?

Wait. What?

Uh...

Geez, uh...

Wasn't anybody's fault.

How come I can't get an easy one
like name a [Horn honks] dog?

No. I... No.

- What are you doing? Answer him.
- I don't want to.

30 seconds? Come on. Let's go.

The price is right. Let's go.
What's the big deal?

Yes.

Okay. Fine.

- Fine. It's my fault.
- Yes.

Sure. Yeah.

Out of the three of us, yeah. It's me.

He lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Ooh!

Oh!

I didn't lie. I didn't lie.

Ow!

So hold on. Does that mean...

you think it was my fault?

No.

And I tell you once again...

he lie.

So obviously you think it's my fault.

Oh, you don't think
it's his fault, do you?

You're hooked up
to a lie detector right now.

A lie detector needs to have
contact with your skin, okay?

Most of these cords
aren't even plugged in,

and even if they were...

This thing thinks you're 39.

Jared believes
his mother when she say she 39.

Obviously, she's not 39.

Okay. Okay.

So I think there's a lot
of blame to go around.

- But mostly on me.
- I... Maybe.

No. Yes.

I don't know. I don't know.

All I know is that when I went away

on a fishing trip in Alaska...

He caught crabs.

I caught hake. Oh.

Okay? All I know is that
three days later,

after I got back, my daughter was gone.

So you do think it's my fault?

- How is it my fault?
- I don't know.

Maybe you not being there for us.

I went away to provide for us.

You abandoned us.

For money.

Classic American
capitalist destruction.

They will rebound. Maybe!

Whoo!

Hey, hey, hey! Bad mother shrimp chips!

Ooh, yeah! Bad mama!

Ooh, yeah! Bad mama!

Mmm, yummy.

Now...

So I just get my feet bit by fish?

- Sweet.
- Why didn't I get that one?

I haven't chosen anything.

- Enjoy your box.
- Thanks.

Yeah?

That's it? Sure.

- Fine. I can sing.
- Yeah.

Of course. Everybody can do that.

Classic American standard.

Of course, but...

What?

I think I lost something
in the translation.

- You're talking about a hand job?!
-

No. Absolutely not. No.

Yes, I would, but...

not on national television.

- No.
- Nothing to be seen.

I don't care if...
my son is right there.

Nope. Not gonna do it.

Absolutely not. Nope. No.

I know my wife, and she's not
gonna go along with this.

Ha ha, well, joke's on you, pal,

'cause I've trained
for this my whole life.

There is no way I...
Why are you using lube?

Please.

Almost heaven

West Virginia

[Horn honks] Blue Ridge Mountains

Shenandoah River

Slow down.

Life is old there, older than the trees

Baby, seriously.

Younger than the

Blowing like a breeze

Country roads Country roads

Don't use your fingers now

Come on. Come on!

To the place...

Not fingers. What are you doing?!

I belong

Oh, my God. Now?

Take me home

No, no.

Country ro... [Horn honks]

[Horn honks]

Oh [Horn honks] me.

Yay!

It's everywhere.

Ohh, why would you do that?

Why would you make me do that
on national television?

- It's not okay.
-

So much shame.

Babe, you enjoyed!

Who's in the box?

Who's in the box?

Who's in the box?!

Nate, Nate. What are you doing? Talk!

You have to...

Nate!

Speak!

I... you got...

Aaaaah!

Say things about your daughter!

So Japan is all you remember
from the past year?

21 minutes out of an entire year?

No. I remember waiting at consulates

and embassies waiting
for phones to ring,

but the game show
really was the highlight.

I can't believe you guys
traveled the world without me.

No, we traveled the world
looking for you, and it sucked.

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.

You know, you can come back
if you want to.

- Why would I want to do that?
- I don't know.

I just thought that's what
you wanted to hear.

Why don't you come with me?

Where?

I'm going to Russia next week
to live with Pee Paw.

I don't want to live in Russia.

Well, I guess I won't be
seeing you then.

So you're never gonna come back, ever?

Maybe.

Pro... Probably not.

Just funerals.

Guy, rate of play.

Rate of play.

Or let the families play through.

You've been on this hole
for like an hour.

Your whole family?
Assholes. All of them.