04x07 - The Entertainer

[bunniefuu]

This is all my fault.

Delilah said she'd only
come see us at a funeral,

then I thought of all these ways
to k*ll you guys.

I never wanted any of this to happen.

Shh. It's okay.

We're gonna get through this.
We'll be okay.

Nate was a loving husband
and a devoted father.

He was the type of guy who...

What does that say? What's that say?

The guy men want to be
and women want to be with?

Right. Men want to be... Ugh.

Uh... huh.

The type of guy that when you've got

10 seconds left on the
clock, down by two,

you're short handed, three on five,

and the ref has just been
riding your d*ck all night,

that guy says,
"I'll score two by myself

and get us to overtime."

- This is so stupid.
- Oh, my God.

Holy cow.

Let me tell you what's stupid.

Hearing an "ugh" in the middle
of your own eulogy.

And "#1 dud"?

They were out of "A's."

Then by an "E" for the end.

"Dud-e"?

God. Piece of crap.

What are these?

- Carnations.
- They suck!

- They're fine.
- Tennis?

What am I, Italian?

And my Drew Stafford
autographed skates?

How many times have I told you,

they don't come out of the glass case?

And don't even get me
started on this venue.

- It's atrocious.
- What?

What is that smell, dead raccoons?

Hey! w*r heroes have funerals here.

So I guess it's good enough
for the greatest generations,

but not for Nate the Great?

Can I tell you, if I was actually dead,

I'd be rolling over in
my grave right now.

You were cremated, dum-dum.
Keep your story straight.

Why are you doing any of this?

It's such a stupid idea.

What are you talking about?
This was your idea.

I still say that when you saw her,

you should have grabbed
her and called us,

- but that's just me talking.
- Yes, and now here we are,

at my fake [bleep] funeral, okay?

So what we're gonna do
is, we're gonna wait

for Delilah to show up,
we're gonna grab her,

we're gonna strap her to
a chair and shake her

until she realizes
how much she loves us.

Now, let's take it from the top,
and a little energy this time.

Okay? A little emotion.

Let's try to sell this stupid premise.

Five, six, seven... sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

What? Oh!

Excuse me.

Hi, hello. Can I help you?

I'm here for Nate Parker's memorial.

I assumed that I'm in the right place.

Uh, yes. Yeah.

I-I'm so sorry. Who... Who are you?

I'm Skye.

Nate's old girlfriend.

How did you hear about this event?

- Well...
- I invited her.

She was the girl that my dead
son should have married.

I wish I could do something.

I can't believe she invited people.

I needed her to tell Delilah.

So, you told her I was actually dead?

I didn't trust her to be a good
enough actor to know the truth.

- Oh, my God.
- She looks so sad.

I've never seen her cry before.

- I thought you would love that.
- What?

This is the same woman
who made you hobble around

on a broken femur for six months.

In her defense, I was 6. Okay?

I should have been a little tougher.

I can't do this. We should
let her off the hook.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- I-I gotta tell her.

- I gotta tell her, okay?
- No!

Plus, it'd be great to see Skye.
She looks awesome.

What's gonna happen when
you come back from the dead?

People are gonna be pissed,
they're gonna leave,

and they're gonna go tell Delilah.

Then we never see our
daughter again, and...

Just stick to the plan, okay?

Stay dead.

- Is this about my ex girlfriend?
- What?

Is this about my ex girlfriend?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

No! Babe, no.

You can see her. When you're
not pretending to be dead,

you can see her all day long.
I don't care. Why?

Do you think I'm jealous,
'cause she's a...

- Neurosurgeon?
- What?

- She's a brain doctor, too?
- Yeah.

No wonder she dumped you.

Okay.

I dumped her.

Hey. Hey. Listen.

Trust me, everything's gonna be okay.

Like, for real... like,
in a couple of hours,

- everything's gonna be fine.
- You're a horrible woman.

Oh...

It will be okay, Mom.

Mom?

Yeah, it's what I've always called her.

Why? What do you call her?

I... don't call her.

That's a shame.

'Cause she's an incredible woman.

She's not.

♪ Oh, ring-a-ding-dong,
the dipshit's dead ♪

Hey!

- Gene.
- Oh, Robin!

Helen called me.
I got here as fast as I could.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But I got to say, the tragedy...

is doing wonders for your figure, girl.

Okay, okay. All right. Yep. Let's...

Can't even console a woman
in America anymore.

You can just not with your lips.

Yeah. That's why I'm going
to Russia later this week.

Find myself a Slavic
bride... easy going.

But I don't wanna go.

Yeah, you gotta do
what you gotta do, though.

- Give me a reason not to go.
- You should go.

'Cause I'd rather buy American,
if you know what I mean.

It's too soon, Gene.

Gah!

Well, I'm here till
of the end of the week

in case you need something
to throw a leg over.

Still too soon.

In the meantime,
let's get this party started.

That's what the dipshit
would have wanted.

Okay.

Whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo! Ooh-ooh.

Okay!

I'll get this thing rolling.

Nate was a, um, idiot.

He was a cuck.

He was a terrible
provider for his family,

but he was also...

the worst employee I ever had.

Who's next?

I'll go.

My son was such a wimp,

he'd walk around saying,
"I broke my femur."

I mean, I had a C-section.

How the hell did my son
get so much p*ssy in him?

But we should focus on the good things.

Nate was with a beautiful, talented,

intelligent, thoughtful woman.

And he dumped her

for ungrateful hooker.

Don't judge me.

You were always above
judgment, weren't you, Helen?

Well, look who decided

to show his stupid,
ugly, negligent face.

Old King Cuck.

Excuse me. Who are you?

I'm Nate Parker.

And that's my son you're sh1tting on.

Papa?

What the hell is going on?

I thought he was dead and now he's not.

I need to see what he looks like.

Everybody's blocking him.

What the hell does he look like?
I need to see his face.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- What? What?!

It's Blu Brown. It's... Oh, sh*t!

Blu Brown!

Shh! Shh!

Blu Brown! Blu Brown! Blu Brown.

It's Blu Brown. It's Blu Brown.

Sweetie, shh, shh.
You're freaking out. You're...

You're just saying colors, baby.

My dad... My dad is Blu Brown.
He's actually Blu Brown.

I don't know who that is.

It's Southern Ontario's Red Green.

He's a provincial treasure.

- What?
- The beaver leader for the damn lodge.

Blue Brown.

Well, if you get the Quebec
feed, it's Blue Brun, but...

Blu Brown.

It's pretty much a bylaw to watch him.

- What?
- It's actually more of a mandate,

'cause 40% of all Canadian TV
has to be Canadian.

- Slow down, slow down.
- Okay, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Look at me, overly apologizing,
that's where I get it.

I'm half Canadian.

So many things happening
to me right now.

Oh, my God

I'm having a deja bl...

That's what he called
flashbacks on his show.

Good!
_

You get out of here and take your...
_

So, my dad walked out
on me on Christmas Day

when I was really young, okay?

A couple years later, I found
this guy Blu Brown on TV.

And it was like,
he seems really familiar,

and now I know why.

Check it out.

Oh!

Morning, beavers.

How's it going, eh?

So, how 'bout we whip up some breakfast

in the damn lodge.

Who wants eggs?

Well, my goodness.

Looks like she whipped
up a few English, eh?

What are you laughing at?

What aren't you laughing at?
It's hilarious.

- Hey, Blu! Blu!
- Blu! Blu!

Oh, here comes the
catch of the day, eh?

You boys get lucky with
those rods today? Did ya?

- Yeah!
- Yeah?

Well, just remember,
it's not the size of your rod.

It's how you wiggle your worm, eh?

- What?
- It's wordplay.

- It's cute.
- It's not cute.

Heh, heh. Yeah. That's right.

Beautiful hair there.

There you go.
Give me a kiss right here.

- He seems like a pedophile.
- Hey, you shut your mouth.

Okay, that is my father
you're talking about.

Mmm! Mmm.

No! No!

It was the '70s. Don't be such a prude.

- That's not...
- Okay. You want funny?

- Please.
- Watch this.

Oh, God.

Check under 'ze 'ood.

This is so confusing. How...

How is this a character
in a kid's show?

It started on the Blu Brown show,

but it was so friggin'
popular, they spun it off

into its own salty late-night series.

Watch this clip. This is funny.

Boop! Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

Hey! I'm getting the feeling
that you're not a real doctor.

Boop.

Because... Oh, because her tits
are like the horns?

What? No.

The... the... The headlights.

Then why is he inflating them?

Oh, my God. You just don't get it.

Uh, yeah, I get it.

I get that he's
incredibly objectifying.

What's objectifying about
thinking she's a car?

Okay, so what about this Fidget guy?

I mean, that's...
that's a little tone deaf

- for little people, don't you...
- What?

He's called Fidget
'cause he's always fidgeting.

That's how he always loses his glasses

and gets into these
ridiculous scenarios.

- That's not it.
- I gotta go talk to him.

No, you're not. You're dead. Stay dead.

- I have to talk to my father.
- Absolutely not.

- Don't you dare.
- I'll wear a disguise.

After all my shows,
I'd play my signature song.

It was called "Nate Song."

It's about a little boy
named Nate Parker.

♪ Oh, Nate, Nate ♪

♪ You are so, so great ♪

♪ You were torn away
from me in grade eight ♪

♪ So many things I should've saids ♪

♪ Wish I taught ya yer A to Zeds ♪

♪ I bet you think I'm not of your ilk ♪

♪ But I know we love our h*m* milk ♪

♪ Oh, Nate, Nate, Nate,
you are so, so great ♪

♪ Let's hop on the Rideau
and go for a skate ♪

♪ When I'm on TV, I'm a grade A kook ♪

♪ When I'm off, I just want to hug ya ♪

♪ Like a big wool toque ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪

♪ I wish I could see
you Could see you. ♪

♪ Just know Just know... ♪

♪ I'm 1,609.34 kilometers away
I'm 1,609.34 kilometers away ♪

Both: ♪ Oh, Nate, Nate ♪

♪ The great Nate ♪

♪ The greatest of the Nates
for greatness' sake ♪

♪ Go, Nate, Nate, the great Nate ♪

♪ The greatest of the Nates ♪

♪ For greatness' sake ♪

I can't do this anymore!
Stop! Everyone stop!

This isn't right.

You're right.

I should have done a funny character

and cheered everyone up.

No. No. My dad's still alive.

- What?
- I can't handle this anymore.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Dad, come out! Dad!

Wh... What are are you doing?

Poor little dipshit's in denial.

Think's his dad's the curtain.

No, you dumb shithead,
he's actually alive.

You're in shock, yeah?
There's no one behind there.

Why don't you take a seat, buddy?

No, I'm done pretending.

This is ridiculous!

Someone help me get down this curtain.

I'll show you he's still alive. Okay.

He's just...

What the...

Dad, where... Where are you?!

What the...

What the hell?

Dad, what the hell?!

What the...

I-I-I swear he was just here!

You...

I don't know what happened. I...

Well, then I guess
he really is dead, then.

What the...

Dad?

Nate?

This is outrageous!

How could you?!

What?! What?! What?!

Give it a rest, Mom. I've seen enough.

You guys are unbelievable.

Man, I got to tell you, Robin,
that thing I said earlier

about consoling you sexually,
that stuff... still stands.

No.

Just so you know,

I don't blame you for any of this.

Your mom told me all about Robin.

It must be miserable.

It's fine.

If you need an escape,
I've got open arms,

a warm bed, and so much money.

I'm fine.

You know, I never stopped loving you.

Right?

- I know.
- Yeah?

I can't. I can't...

No, no. No, no. Oh!

- Stop, stop, stop.
- Hi. I'm right here.

- I'm here. I'm right here.
- She's there.

- He's...
- He's fine.

He's fine. He's fine.He's...
He's gonna be okay.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

This was the saddest day of my life,

and you ruined it.

Oh, come on, Mom.
We were gonna tell you.

We were backstage debating
and then Dad showed up...

Hold on. Hold on!

Why am I apologizing to you? Okay?

What kind of parent tells their own kid

that their father is dead?

I'm gonna ignore your
obvious hypocrisy,

since I'm sure it's difficult
rising from the dead

after falling from the ceiling.

Speaking of which, would you get up?

I can't. Okay?

I'm stuck in a chair.

Why wouldn't you tell me about Dad?

Especially that dad?

He's so awesome. He's Canadian.

There is nothing awesome

about a nation of average people.

He was Blu Brown. He was Fidget.

He was a selfish sh*t rat

who took our rent money
to buy his music lessons.

To share his gift of song
with the world.

Have you ever heard a
grown man with no talent

practice saxophone in a trailer?

I wanted to cut my [bleep] ears off.

Oo, la, la!

Look who's here to cheer you up!

C'est moi, Fidget!

This is your dead son, you idiot.

I was trying to...

What?

I'm Nate.

F-From "Nate's Song."

No.

"Nate's Song's" about me, Nate.

No, it's about... It's about
a little kid named Nate.

Yeah, the hurt little child
inside of me.

S-Still, I'm mean, it's... it's...

I'm your son.

Huh.

That's... That's it?
That's all you got?

I...

'Cause I got s-so much to ask you.

Like, "What's your
real origin story of Fidget?"

Well, no. I mean, yes. Yes, of course.

I mean, who wouldn't want to know that?

There's so many fan theories out there,

but if you told everyone,
it'd break the Internet...

French...

midget.

Oh.

Mm-mm.

That's offensive.

Why'd you walk out on me?

Oh, boy, I can see
you're a couple elbows short

of Kraft Dinner, but it's okay.

I forgive you for holding me back.

What?

You Ret*rded my gifts
for comedy and song

for seven long years.

No, man, you can't use that word.

Oh, and what is a woman
know about comedy?

Next thing you're gonna tell me is,

I can't do my Fretard character

Bonjour, je m'appelle Fretard.

- Whoa!
- No, no. Holy sh*t.

No. You can't do that.

Nate, you understand.

Every transcendent artist
has to make a choice

between what he loves...

and his family.

I love saying I told you so.

I needed a father.

And that is exactly
the selfish behavior

that I'm forgiving you for.

What was I supposed to be?

A father to one,

or Blu Brown, Fidget,
and Fretard to the world.

Hold on... how many people in this room

know who this idiot is?

Okay!

Nate...

it is not my fault that your mother

is half a two-nie shy
of two loonies, eh?

She ought to get off the
Mickey's and the Du Mauriers.

Speak English, please!

Your mother was garage.

She taught you nothing
but anger and hate.

Yeah, you're right.
She did teach me that.

And you know what else she taught me?

How to throw a punch.

Ah, sh*t.

Oh!

Whoa!

Not as fast as your old man, are you?

- sh*t!
- You know, in Tijuana,

it costs 10 pesos to
watch a fidget fight.

Of course, they throw in a hand job.

Come on, you p*ssy. Get up and fight.

Hit him!

You wouldn't hit your
own father, would you?

"Father."

A father does whatever it takes
to keep his family together.

Even when it comes
to doing crazy sh*t like this.

You're not my father.

You could be right about that.

I was riding a lot of
d*ck back in the '70s.

I just picked this idiot to raise you,

'cause he was the biggest
cuck in the world.

Just go back to Canada, you sad clown.

Hey!

Why are you here?
Why aren't you at Dad's funeral?

I was just going there.

Don't bother. He's not dead.

Mother [bleep]! What a [bleeping]!

I knew it!

You know, I thought a lot
about what you said,

and I want to go with you.

I like you so much more
than I like our parents.

Do you really want to go to Russia?

They won't even notice I'm gone.

Where are they? Where are they?

- I don't know!
- They were right here!

- I didn't see them, Nate.
- Oh, my God, you lose one,

and now you're telling me
they're both gone.

It's not my fault.

God. What, are they hiding?

Huh? Are you in here?

Huh? Hey, guys!

You under here hiding?

Oh!

- Found 'em.
- Yeah.

This is why you don't take
'em out of the glass case.

Where do you think Jared went?

Who? Ah.

I don't know. He's
around here somewhere.

All right. All right, let's go.

- Take your boxes. Let's go.
- Jared?

Let's go.