06x01 - Are You Afraid of the Drunk?

[bunniefuu]

[spooky music]

♪ ♪

- You okay, Kirb? Cheers.
- Cheers. Yeah, I'm so good.

- This is so much fun.
- This is so much fun.

- I actually love camping.
- Yeah, me, too,

and finally, we're all going camping.

- I love it.
- The three of us are going...

- Wait, where's Rich?
- I don't know.

He said he went off the pee
and he just hasn't come back.

Rich?

- [clears throat] Hello.
- Whoa!

- Whoa.
- I'm right here.

- Where were you?
- I was in a place you wouldn't understand.

Back there with the ban... the bananas.

And I don't want to
talk about it anymore.

[laughter]

Let me tell you something.

I just learned the scariest
story in the whole world.

It's not something for the squeamish.

You guys for the squeamish?

I'm Rich Fulcher and today...

Oh, we know. We invited
you on this trip.

Of course.

But I'm Rich Fulcher and
today we're going to talk about

the creation of Frankenstein.

[gasping]

Yeah, I sh*t you not.

It was 1816,

which is over two years ago.

[laughs]

Now, Mary Shelley was 18 years old

and she was traveling
around with her sep...

sep-sister?

- Her step-sister?
- Step-sister.

- You know the story!
- Okay, yeah.

Claire Clairmont.

And they were traveling around France,

but they had another companion,

Mary's lover, Percy Shelley,
one of the premiere poets

- of the day.
- Wait, Percy Shelley?

She was in love with someone
who had the... her last name?

- Two names.
- Percy.

Shelley Percy?

_

_

Duh!

_

- Good luck.
- Nope!

He is not gonna say that.

- Mary Gollum-Smith.
- _

Okay.

Her name is Mary Gollum-Swol-God.

[giggling]

_

Her name is Mary
Wallen-Godstroff-Cognin.

[laughter]

And she is...

[laughter]

[laughs]

There is no f*cking way.

[laughter]

I'll get it. I'm gonna get it.

Why don't you throw in
some more consonants, Greg?

- I will get it.
- Okay, we got it.

We got it, we got it.

- What was her name?
- Okay... [snorts]

- Her name is Wallen-Gone...
- Mary.

- Mary.
- Her name is Mary Wallstone-Croft-Goglin.

- Okay?
- Got ya.

- Let me tell you...
- Is that it?

No, but let me tell you about her.

Mary Gollen-Swoft.

Don't try it again.

You got it.

They were traveling around France.

They were having a great time.

Oh, there's bread! Oh, there's a peanut!

[burps]

I love this place.

They were a very free-flowing
type of threesome now.

So Claire said to the g*ng,
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

"Hold up! Let's go to Lake Geneva!

Lord Byron is there!"

Lord Byron, who was one of
the premiere poets of the day.

And he f*cked around.

- Should I say that?
- You can say that.

Okay, he was one of those Romantic poets

who would say stuff like "I love you!"

[laughs]

So you, uh, something like that.

I'm not really a poet
myself, but anyway.

So Claire said, "Hey, all
right, here's the deal.

I slept with him and
I still want to have

some sleeps with him.

Come on. Let's go
back to Lord Byron.

Let's go to Lake Geneva!"

And sure enough, she got
them all to go to Lake...

[burps]

[spluttering laugh]

Are you okay? Okay.

But here's the kicker.

1816... look it up... was
the year without a summer.

Mount Tambora blew every
f*cking sh*t out of people.

The eruption of the volcano
covered the whole Earth

and made the world be not hot.

Uh, they were like, wow,
I don't have a summer.

I got a c-coat on!

I'm all f*cked up with the May

non-summer apparel.

Eww.

And Lord Byron said let's
hang out inside and f*ck.

[laughing]

It really happened.

So listen,

they were all having
sex and they're going,

Oh, which one are you?

I'm Mary!

And then Mary and Claire
are having a good time

and then, all of a
sudden, Percy and Claire

and then Lord Byron and Mary and...

They're like a pretzel area

and, don't forget, there's
the personal physician

of Lord Byron, John Poly-oro.

Something like that.

He's sitting there, eating a pickle,

and they started to drink
liquid opium, as one does.

And they started to talk about
philosophy and scary things.

Lord Byron picked up this book and said,

"Hey, look at this book I just found."

In a Scottish accent.

It's "Phantasmagorium."

It's a German book, uh,

translated from France.

It's a French book that
translates German...

It's some kind of translation book

that has lots of ghosts.

- Whoa.
- Ooh!

This is about a knight
who gives his kids

a kiss of death on the forehead.

- And you know what happened?
- Hmm?

They all d*ed of rabies. Ooh!

This is scary.

Yeah, so... no, but
here's the scary part.

Percy freaked out so much at the story,

he hallucinated that Mary

had a demon head coming
out of her nipples.

[laughter]

Yeah. No, I sh*t you not. He was like,

ah, demons, on your areolas!

Not tonight, please! No!

Of all nights.

And Lord Byron all of a sudden says,

hey, I got it.

Let's have a scary story competition

and whoever has the
scariest one, well, wins.

Now go forth and write this story.

I'm, like, slightly worried

that you're possessed right now.

Well, that's for you to find out

and me to decide.

Hey Rich, remember
when you used to, like,

- work as a bartender?
- Yeah.

Do you mind making Kirby a drink?

No.

Oy, oy, oy!

[laughs]

Hey!

Hey, aye!

[laughter]

Hey, aye!

I think this is good. Taste it.

- Ooh, that's tasty.
- See?

So let me tell you something.

It was Percy, Lord
Byron, Mary, and Claire

and Lord Byron's personal physician.

So they were all sitting around

for the scary story competition.

So, first up goes Percy.

Oh, his scary story is
just like this poetic thing

about his childhood.

Climbing up a tree was so scary

when I fell down on my knee.

Something like that.

He didn't really get it. He's an artist.

He's, like, I'm... you
know, I like to, uh, prance.

[laughter]

[jaunty music]

♪ ♪

And then Lord Byron told his story

and he goes, this one's about a vampire

who was very posh and talks to you

and then he bites you.

[sweeping music]

And so, you know, it
was scary but still meh.

So then they go, what about you Mary?

Mary is an aspiring
writer, so she's like,

I don't want to f*ck
this up because here are

the two most famous... two
very famous writers...

poets in Europe

and I don't want to tell a shitty story.

So Mary goes, I'm going
to write something good,

so I don't have a story right now.

But she was always listening to what...

[burps]

Lord Byron and Percy were saying

because they would always
have these really interesting

conversations about the latest ideas,

and one of the latest
ideas was about Galvanism,

which is, like, when you
apply alchemy and electricity

to revive animals.

And she thought to herself...

Oh, my God, what the f*ck? Oh, my God!

Okay, it's a rabbit. It's a rabbit.

Oh, it's just a rabbit.

- It's a jackrabbit.
- I'm a really startly person.

- I see.
- Anyway, sorry.

Okay. That night, Mary falls asleep,

and has a terrible nightmare.

She wakes up with a start and goes, Oh!

I have my story!

You amazing puppet shits!

[laughs]

[laughter]

And so, Mary's like,

Yes, I finally have a story.

based off something I
dreamed of last night

and it's about a student

at Ingolstadt university in Germany

and he's an alchemist
and into electricity

and he's a nerd.

They know what nerds are back then?

He knows what nerds are.

So Victor Frankenstein is his name.

This man was obsessed

with bringing people to life.

So you know what he did?

He went into the morgue

and took body parts.

Arm, elbow, knee,

nose, eyes, head,

and put them together
in his own special way.

Like a Mr. Potato Head.

Only it was a Mr. Humanoid-o Head.

He stitched them together
with love and care

and nerdiness.

He was a nerd.

He hooked up the
electrodes to each bowel

and testicle

and there it happened.

[imitating electric shock]

The Monster opened his eyes.

Blink, blink, blink.

And Victor Frankenstein
looked at him and said,

"Oh, my God! I've done it!

It's alive!

Holy crap! He's alive!

Finally, I can re...
go home to my mom

and say I've done something!

Now give me some f*cking pancakes!"

[laughter]

- I'm gonna piss myself.
- I'm gonna piss myself.

Oh, my God!

Why do they take so long?

Boys tend to be quicker than girls.

- Hi.
- Are you done peeing?

No. I'm still going.

Is that... is that bad?

This is what's weird is...
most people think Frankenstein

is the Monster.

No!

It's not the Monster.

It's the... Victor
Frankenstein is the creator

of Frankenstein.

I mean... you know.

- What was the Monster called?
- Oh, yeah.

Taco.

- Which is interesting.
- Yeah.

[laughs]

So Victor Frankenstein
looked down at his creation

and the Monster looked
up at him and said,

"Master? Creator?"

And Frankenstein thought to himself,

"He has white eyes and black lips

and yellow skin and arteries
bursting out of his skin.

This is not the person I
thought I would be creating!"

And he ran out of the room.

Run, run, run, run, run. Run!

[dramatic music]

And he hid in his bedroom
and he thought to himself,

"This is terrible, what I've done.

Oh, what do I do?"

He laid down and went to sleep

and when he woke up,

the Monster was staring right down

on his filthy f*cking face!

[spluttering laugh]

- And so Frawnken-steen said...
- Frawnken-steen?

Frankenstein. Did I say that?

- Yeah.
- Okay, that's how scary it is.

You don't want to say it the same twice.

So what I'm trying to say is,

Victor Frankenstein freaked out so bad.

"No, please no! Please!

I want nothing to do with you!"

And the Monster goes,

"Listen to this, 'cause this is scary.

You need to create a companion for me

or I will k*ll your lover."

[burps]

[laughter]

Dr. Frankenstein made the bride,

but then all of a sudden
had second feelings

about this because...

What if she became a freak?

Oh, what would he do? How
much guilt would he feel?

So he destroyed Frankenstein's bride

and just f*cked off!

[dramatic music]

But sure enough, Frankenstein
rushed into the bedroom

and said, "What the f*ck is going on?"

The Monster k*lled the fiancée...

Oh, uh, wife.

And there she was, dead!

And the Monster said,

"You have destroyed my love life

because you destroyed my sex bot!"

You know, like, in that day,
it would've been a sex bot.

- Like a real doll.
- Yeah, like a Ba...

Ba... a doll.

And he ran out of the room

and was never to be seen again.

Until later.

[laughter]

And that is the story up to now.

So Mary said, "How did I do?

I believe that I have
done quite a scary story,

have I not?"

Lord Byron and Shelley, after the story,

were silent, and then all of a sudden

everybody was, like, oh, my God

I'm pissing out of my
balls! This is so amazing.

And Mary looked at
them and said, "Really?

Are you cereal?

[chuckling]

And Percy said to Mary,

"You have got to write
this down and sell it!"

And she goes, What? What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

[grunt]

[spits]

[laughter]

♪

[eerie music]

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Do you want to continue?

- Please.
- Okay.

All right. [laughter]

So Mary and Percy left
and they went back home

and two years later,

Mary published "Frankenstein",

also known as "The Modern Prometheus".

And, get this,

the story that Lord Byron
said about the vampire?

That was re-written
by, uh, John Polidori,

the personal physician,

and it was a book called "The Vampyre,"

and that was the basis

of Bram Stoker's "Dracula."

- Ah.
- So in that Lake Geneva

opium-fest, philosophical free-for-all,

came two of the most scary characters

ever created

ever.

- Wow.
- That was great, Rich.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Okay guys, let ghosts be ghosts.

Let us be us.

[spooky music]

♪ ♪