06x02 - National Parks

[bunniefuu]

[exciting music]

John Muir
and Teddy Roosevelt

went on the most important
camping trip

in American history.

g*dd*mn.
I spilled top shelf bourbon

all over my unit.

In 1969,
400 Native Americans

occupied Alcatraz.

[belches]
Wow.

I'm drunk!

Marjory Stoneman Douglas
was a **** activist.

The developers are like,
malls, malls, malls!

And she's like,
shut the **** up.

Protect the Everglades.

Pffftt!
[laughter]

[patriotic music]

♪ ♪

[epic music]

America is unique.
It's a young country.

We don't have
these old cathedrals.

We don't have the big
columns of Greece.

But what we do have
is this natural wonder

of beautiful trees
and **** rivers

and all this wonderful sh*t.

These are our cathedrals.
These are our museums.

These are American treasures,

and ****...
it's incredible.

[belches]
Whoa.

[chuckles]

Hello,
my name is Steve Berg,

and today we are gonna
be discussing

Teddy Roosevelt
and John Muir

and how the National Park
system

be... came to be.
[laughs]

So it is the early 1870s,
and no one is watching out

for the natural wonders that
we have in the United States.

So these rich industrialists
are chopping down trees

and mining
everything out of it.

They're like...
[singsongy] We hate nature.

[rhythmic tapping]

Money, money, money.

[rhythmic slapping]

k*ll all the animals.

Put the blood on our face,

and put pentagrams
and dance around

and do weird sh*t.

So then there was a guy
named John Muir,

and he's living out
in the middle of nowhere.

He's loving it.
He's like, oh, my God,

look at the trees,
look at all the flora,

the fauna!
[deep inhale]

And he is hearing about
all the atrocities going on,

and he's like,
you know what, man?

I'm hippie granola O.G.
number one,

and that sh*t ain't gonna fly.
Okay?

So John Muir, who has got a
gift for the English language,

starts writing these eloquent,
poetic articles

saying, like,
people of America,

we have all this
natural beauty,

but the elite
just wanna **** it up

for the rest of us.
g*dd*mn.

I spilled top shelf bourbon
all over my unit.

It's damp down there.
[laughs]

So John Muir
knew what he was expressing

was hitting some people,
but he didn't know

it was hitting
the El Presidente

of the United States-Ay.

A president I have to call
Teddy Roosevelt.

So Teddy reads it
and he's like, damn,

he's really moving me,
and he keeps on talking about

this place called Yosemite
in California.

I want to check out
Yosemite...

for myself.

And I want John Muir
to be my guide.

So T.R. arrives there with
this huge entourage, right?

Teddy says to John Muir,

hey, man, I am feeling
a little bit

like a rascal, okay?
[laughs]

What if you, me,
my personal chef

went to the forest
and camped for three days

and we didn't let anyone
know about it?

And John's like,
T.R., you know I'm down.

So they get away
from the group

and go out on a sojourn
into the wilderness.

[uplifting music]

It's wonder in wildlife,

and John is showing him
all the flora and the fauna.

They are having
the time of their life,

just two guys
with a personal chef

out in the middle of nowhere,

getting into it, man.

- That's so cool.
- Yeah.

So the next night,

the president says,
John, if I may... ask,

how do you love nature
so much?

Well, Mr. President,
I had a high-risk job.

I got into an accident,
and it blinded me temporarily.

And then
all of a sudden, I could see,

but what I was seeing
was not like it was before.

I am seeing a world before me
that is beautiful,

that is **** bursting
with nature.

And I walked from Indiana
to Florida

and sketched
every **** plant,

every animal.

I was just sketching beavers,
man... sketching beavers.

It was magical, and I never
saw the world the same way.

[mucus-heavy inhale]

Um...

where were we?
I'm sorry.

- We're camping.
- So we're camping,

and the third night,

it started to snow,
and John Muir was like,

uh, sh*t, it's getting
pretty cold out here, man,

and I got the president.
And the president's like,

John.
John-John-John-John-John,

we're okay.
I have broughten 40 blankets.

[softly] 40.

[laughing]
He brought 40 blankets!

What a weirdo, man.
So they're warm.

They're maybe too warm,
potentially.

And Teddy's like,
I have been the president

for I don't know
how many years,

but out here with you, John,

and my personal chef,
like, I am humbled.

I'm just a biological entity
on this planet

just trying to cohabitate.

Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!

- Uh-oh.
- Ah-choo!

Ohh!

Every time it's windy,
I get a...

[sniffles]
real bad allergies.

You're doing
a really great job.

Hey, thanks, man.
I'm having so much fun.

Thanks for the fire,
by the way.

Oh, sh*t.
She's in embers now.

No, she good.

- She good?
- Yeah, we got CGI.

[magical chime]
Thank you.

So Teddy Roosevelt gets back,

and the whole entourage
is like, Jesus Christ, Teddy!

Mr. President,
where were you?

And he's like, I know
you guys are pissed

but I'm okay.
My personal chef's okay.

- What's his name?
- I don't know,

but I would imagine,
like, Seth.

I bet he's doing incredible
stuff with game meats.

I bet there's
a nice rub on 'em.

- [laughing]
- He's talented at what he does

but personality-wise...

next.

Teddy's like, guys,
I had this tran...

scendent excursion

with my new friend
John Muir, man.

And guess what.
It was the greatest day

of my life.

Yeah. He said that to him.

So in 1906, Teddy Roosevelt
signs the National...

Um, damn...
So in 1906,

Teddy Roosevelt
signs the Antiquities Act

to protect these places
like Yosemite,

Rocky Mountain National Park,

Moab, and all these places
that we all hold so dear

are protected
because of Teddy Roosevelt

and this camping trip
with John Muir.

And a personal chef.
[laughing]

And John Muir said...
[inhales]

my mission is done.

He did it.
Granola number one.

And look.
We all get to benefit.

And it's up to us
to keep it protected.

So, man, ****

see your national parks,
dude.

Go with your buddies,
drink some craft beers,

and **** look at the sky

and think about
some weird sh*t.

[uplifting music]

[inspiring music]

This is a big
basic cable show,

and it's just you and me, man.
Oh. They gonna give us

our own show after this.
I'll take it, buddy.

Let's do this!

I'm from Baltimore, baby.
Let's get drunk.

Oh, no.
Here we go!

That camera?

That camera.
That camera.

Hello, I'm Daryl Johnson,

and today we'll be
talking about the Alca... Mm-mm.

[both laughing]

Hello.
I'm Daryl Johnson,

and today
we'll be talking about

the occupation of Alcatraz.

Cheers, my friend.

So there was a big fire
that happened in 1969,

and it b*rned down
the American Indian Center

in San Francisco.
So there was a group of people

called the Indians
of All Tribes,

and they were like, man,
we gotta find a new place

to gather... we gotta be
somewhere

where we can be ourselves.

And there was these three
leaders, okay?

And they were like,
wait... is this real?

According to the "Treaty of
Fort Laramie of 1868,"

it says that Native Americans
are allowed to confiscate

abandoned federal land
for their own use.

Now, the famed Alcatraz
prison's been sitting there

empty for six years.
That's federal surplus land,

so booyah!
We got our new location...

The Rock.
And they were like,

well, let's just take
this bitch.

Ha ha!
So on November 20, 1969,

the coalition
of, like, 89 members

of the Indians of All Tribes

cruised across
the San Francisco Bay.

And some fat-cat land tycoon

was over there like,
hey, man, I got these plans

to develop this land into
a Monte Carlo-themed casino.

And then... boom! Native
American people get there,

and they're like, man,
get the **** outta here

with these dumb-ass plans.

[epic music]
It's ours, baby!

You stole it from us once,

but we gonna steal it
from your ass now.

And they started
spray-painting stuff

on the walls like:
Welcome to Indian Land.

And, like, Red Power!

I like that one.

And then Adam Fortunate Eagle
was still on the mainland,

because he was the spokesperson
for the tribe.

He was like, look, y'all, we
taking this sh*t over, okay?

Y'all ain't using it,
and we need it.

All this belonged to us
anyway, okay?

And he said, look, we not
just gonna take it outright.

We're not terrible people.

We'll give you $24
in glass beads

and some red cloth.
How 'bout that?

And you know why they gave 'em
$24 worth of glass beads?

'Cause that's how much
the Dutch merchants

paid the Native Americans
for Manhattan.

Whew. Now, I'm someone
who loves a person

who keeps their petty game up.

- Ha.
- But that petty level

is on a thousand.
Ha ha ha!

Now, once all this
information gets out,

more and more people
show up on the island.

And about Thanksgiving Day
in 1969,

400 people
are now occupying Alcatraz.

How ironic is that?

Thanksgiving.
[laughs]

So of the 50 people there
representing Alcatraz,

40 of 'em are women.
And LaNada Means is like,

you know why?
'Cause they got a voice,

and we recognize that sh*t.

Look... we got a clinic runnin'.

We got a kitchen.

We got John Trudell,

the voice of
Radio Free Alcatraz.

And he be like,
if you a Native American,

you can come up here
and be free and be yourself

and celebrate your own
culture and your pride.

And she's like,
we have set up a school.

These kids are not learning
from these

"white man" history books.

They're learning about
their history.

We did that, 'kay?

I mean,
they put middle fingers

all up in the government.
Richard Nixon was like,

ooh, is that a finger
in my face?

All I see is middle fingers
up in this bitch.

What's going on?

Now, the white man don't like
losin' something

that they stole anyway,
but Richard Nixon was like,

we can't att*ck these
Native American peoples.

We've got so much going on
with this country.

We have the Civil w*r...
No, not the Civil w*r.

Civil rights protests.
[both laughing]

We can't have another
situation!

That's just Tricky d*ck trying
to save himself, you know.

He was already involved
in the scandal,

and stuff was about to
go down with him

that he didn't even
know about yet, but I do,

because this is
"Drunk History,"

and all that's history,

and I knew it before he know
it, know what I'm sayin'?

[both laughing]

That's the alcohol talkin'.
And so

the Coast Guard's like,
yo, okay,

Richard Nixon said we can't go
in there and show no force?

Great. All right.
This what we gonna do.

We gonna take
all they fresh water.

We gonna take
they electrixity.

They can't...
Let me say that right.

They gonna take their
electricity.

And they set a fire.

I mean, they don't know
who set the fire,

but if I had to put
my bets on it,

I'd say the government
set the fire, 'kay?

So in July of 1971,

the Coast Guard
lay a fuse to Alcatraz.

They was like, okay,
Native American peoples

or whatever you call yourself,

this long belands...
Pffft!

This land belongs to us,
the white man!

And the sh*t was over.

But after the almost
two-year occupation

of Alcatraz,
the fat cat was like,

hey, man, look, I don't think
I wanna build here no more.

So the government
turned it into...

a national park.
Wow.

And you can go there today
and still see

some of the graffiti
on the walls.

The Native Americans
still come back twice a year

to celebrate the occupation
on what they now call

on Thanksgiving Day

and that Christopher
mother**** Columbus Day

that we now call
Indigenous Peoples Day.

Indigenous Peoples Day,
y'all!

Indigenous Peoples Day.

They was like,
we took this sh*t, yo.

For almost two years.
What did you do today?

Checked your mail?
Ate some Jell-o?

Bastards.

How'd you know?

Ha ha!

♪ ♪

[epic music]

Derek, what was
your worst drinking mistake?

When you realized...

When I thought a TV show
would be good...

[both laughing]
To drink to.

Fair. Good answer.

Hello. I'm Tess Lynch,

and today we're going
to be talking about.

Marjory Stoneman Douglas.

Listen. I'm gonna
transport you back in time.

Picture it. Florida.
The 1920s.

There's a special place

that is the craziest
environment that you can find

called the Everglades.

But South Florida
is experiencing

an unprecedented
population expl*si*n.

So they're draining wetlands,
building houses.

The developers are like,
great!

I'm gonna build condos!
I'm gonna build little tiny

ticky-tacky, ticky-tacky,
ticky-tacky houses.

Hey, look at this swamp.
It's full of bullshit.

I'm gonna put a ****
99¢ store on it.

But the problem with this

is that everybody's
draining the resources

of one of the most unique
ecosystems on the planet...

The Everglades!
[laughs]

And Ernest Coe,
and landscape architect,

realizes, like,
this place is special as hell.

I'm gonna get this place
certified as a national park

if it's the last thing I do.

And so he's flipping through

the "Important People of
Florida Directory,"

and he comes across a name...
Marjory Stoneman Douglas.

Very interesting lady.
She's like, you know,

I'm a very early supporter
of the ACLU,

and I'm supporting, you know,
women's suffrage

and civil rights,
and that's just what I do.

I'm opinionated!

And Coe's like,
this is the perfect person

to get on board with my cause.

And Coe is like, come with me
to the Everglades.

And so she goes down
to the Everglades,

and she's all in her
**** pearls,

and she's wearing
her straw hat,

and she's like, yikes,
this place is too muggy,

too buggy, too inhospitable.

It's mucky and gucky!
I don't like it.

And then she's looking around
like, holy sh*t,

that's a crocodile holding
hands with an alligator

is what that is!

That's a manatee!

That **** thing looks like
a cow under the ocean floor.

And that's a mangrove tree!

That's growing
in the brackish water

that's half salt, half fresh,
and I don't know

how that thing grows,
but it's **** doing it.

I actually think
I love this place.

I'm gonna be a champion
for here.

There's a bug in front of me.
What?

You see that bug.
I see you seeing the bug.

- Yeah, I see the ****...
- I love bugs,

but that bug I don't like.

It's like he's, like,
antagonistic. He's there.

I could grab him.
But I don't wanna k*ll him.

I just wanna release him
to nature.

You know what I mean?
That's nice.

Can we keep going?

So they go to these
town hall meetings.

The developers are like,
malls, malls, malls!

Coe and Marjory are like,

shut the **** up.
Protect the Everglades.

And the legislators
are like...[stammering]

Ahh. All right.

But, I mean, it's not gonna be
so simple as like pffftt.

Coe says to Marjory,
I think they're saying

that this land
is pretty much protected.

And Marjory's like,
don't you know the government

by now? It's gonna be
a long-fought battle, Coe!

So Marjory goes down
into the Everglades,

and she spends
13 crazy long years

writing every detail down.

You know,
I'm gonna write a book!

"The Everglades:
River of Grass."

That's a good title,
God damn it.

1947, this thing is published.

Immediate best seller.

So people are like,
holy sh*t!

I was just sort of
thinking about my casseroles.

Now I'm a **** activist!

All of a sudden, the Everglades
are really important to people

who never cared before.

And then later that year,

the first 1.3 million acres
of the Everglades

are officially desigignated...

Desigignated.

♪ Designated ♪
as a national park,

just like Coe and Marjory
had wanted.

But then
Ernest Coe dies.

- Oh.
- It's so sad.

Most people could kinda
kick back.

Guess what.
She doesn't quit.

You know why?
Girl likes a challenge.

So when she hears
the Nixon administration

is planning to build Miami
Nat... International Airport

on the Everglades,
she just can't let it slide.

♪ ♪

Would you mind if I made
your drink

just a little higher?
I would love it.

- Is that okay?
- [snickers]

♪ You're simply the Tess ♪

This is a very small
wine glass.

Yeah. They catch up
on you, though.

Let me know when.
Now?

Cool.
So what she does...

Marjory Stoneman Douglas
meets the Nixon administration

on the **** runway.

And they're like, ugh, oh!
You're such a pebble

in my shoe.
She's a nuisance.

She won't budge.

And Nixon is like,

puhhhh. Fine!
We'll build it somewhere else.

And she goes,
hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

I'll see ya next time,
bozos.

And she skips away.

How can you argue with
someone who's like,

don't destroy nature.

How can you?

So Marjory is looking back

at what she's done,

and she's like, holy cow,

it's the third largest
national park,

and that's nothin'
to shrug at.

I'll just keep goin'
till I die.

And she does.
In 1998, at the age of 108,

the Everglades, for a moment,

grow silent,
and there's a manatee,

and he's like,
ah... there she goes...

the mother of the Everglades.

[whispers]
Darkness.

To quote Marjory:

"Be a nuisance
where it counts.

"Be depressed, discouraged,

"and disappointed at failure

"and the disheartening
effects of ignorance,

"greed, corruption,
and bad politics.

But never give up."

Today the students

at Marjory Stoneman Douglas
High School

carry on that idea

by turning their pain
into action.

They are the pebble
in the shoe,

they are the nuisance,

they are the people
who will not let

something so important
be taken away.

There are some things
that are too special to take.

[soft music]

Cheers.

Be a nuisance.
Cheers.

Sweaty here in the Everglades.

Very sweaty.

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪