06x06 - dr*gs

[bunniefuu]

John Lilly starts a dolphin laboratory.

He's on acid. Everyone's on acid.

And the dolphins are, like, learning.

We can talk, now you talk.

John Lilly realized, wow, this works.

God, I wish I was born in the '60s!

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, he's like,

I'm riddled with Addison's disease.

Dr. Feelgood's like, you're gonna get

my super special magic elixir. Pow.

This was wild.

How cool is this?

Dr. Drew, thank you for doing this.

Uh-uh.

- It's a great honor.
- I just want to say, like,

it's not just cool.

It's surreal, 'cause, you
know, before we were friends,

obviously I was aware of you, Dr. Drew,

but I had been frantically preparing

to get in an argument with you
over, like, psychedelics.

You thought I was the no
party guy, the bummed guy.

- Yeah, yeah.
- And then I realized,

oh, yeah, you're cool,
he doesn't... he's not...

he's just a scientist.

Yeah, I'm a clinician.

I don't want to hurt anybody,
and I want to give good advice.

You like pushing the
limits. I can't do that.

But I'm fascinated that you do it,

and I want to hear all about it.

Can you say, "I'm Dr. Drew,
not let's get f*cked up"?

- He's not gonna say...
- All right.

- I'll say that.
- Ahhh.

And then he'll move his lips?

I'm Dr. Drew. Let's get f*cked up.

Greetings to you,

children of the world.

It is I, Duncan Trussell,

and tonight on "Drunk History,"

we're gonna talk about LSD and dolphins.

Cheers.

Cheers.

So in 1961, Dr. John Lilly
published an amazing book

called "Man and Dolphin."

He wrote, wow, these dolphins are smart.

They're not like what we thought.

They're not just sea rats.

They're talking to each other.

They're social, they're advanced,

and we don't even know it yet,

but I bet we could talk
to these sweeties.

So yeah, there was a big dolphin boom.

Everybody's reading Lilly's book,

and Carl Satan... Carl...

Carl Satan is a cool name.

Carl Satan is so much
cooler than Marilyn Manson.

I so hope someone watching this

starts a f*cking bad-ass band

and renames themselves Carl Satan.

All right, Carl Sagan's
reading this book,

and he's like, whoa.

If dolphins can f*cking talk,

what the f*ck, man?

This book is blowing my mind.

So Sagan calls a meeting.

SETI, the search for
extraterrestrial intelligence,

their members before it
even existed are like,

sh*t, we all wanted to talk
to these f*cking aliens.

And they're all like,

dolphins are these f*cking mammals, man,

and they live in the sea, they can talk.

If we can figure out
how to talk to them,

maybe we can figure out
how to talk to aliens.

NASA's like, f*ck man,
let's do this sh*t.

NASA gives John Lilly
a sh*t-ton of money.

So John Lilly starts
a dolphin laboratory

in St. Thomas in the Caribbean in 1963.

It's called the Communicating...

Communications Research Institute, CRI.

So somehow John Lilly
gets three dolphins.

And he's looking at them,
he's like, all right,

I'm gonna name you Pamela.

I'm gonna call you Sissy.

And I'm gonna call you Peter,

and we're gonna teach you
how to speak English.

So someone who works there,

her name's Margaret Howe Lovatt,

he says to her, listen,
I wanna give you Peter.

You teach Peter how to talk.

Margaret says, I am going
to teach you English.

He's like...

She'd be like, my name is Margaret.

And he'd be like...

- And like...
- Doesn't sound like her name.

No, it's a f*cking dolphin.
Give him a break.

Imagine if somebody took you

out of the Earth onto an alien spaceship

and they're like, hey,
listen, talk with your ass.

That's Peter's situation.

So... so she wanted to be around

the dolphin all the time.

Her bed is next to the dolphin aquarium.

She built her desk in a
platform above the t*nk.

She basically moves
into Peter's apartment.

So Peter seems to be learning,

and Lilly's like, sh*t man,

Margaret, I think you and
Peter are hitting it off.

But here's the problem.

- Dolphins are sexual creatures.
- Uh-oh.

So it's like rubbing up against her,

it's humping her leg.

He's like, look, look
what's happening to me.

And... and she's like, oh, wow.

Like, he needs to f*ck.

So when Peter would get horny,

they would, like, lift
him out of the t*nk

and put him in the t*nk
with the two other girls,

dolphins.

Nice.

And sure as sh*t,

afterwards he started
learning English better.

Margaret's like, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk time.

We can talk. Now you talk.

Peter's like, f*ck, I think they want me

to say their monkey talk.

But I'm horny.

She's like, g*dd*mn it.
Here we go again.

But moving a dolphin sucks.

And she's like, I didn't
know I was gonna become

a f*cking Uber for dolphin f*cking.

And at some point...

At some point she's like,

listen, guys, listen, we can't do this.

We don't have the time.

I'll jerk him off. What's the big deal?

Margaret started jerking Peter off

in between lessons.

Do you think the handjob had
a special allure for him?

'Cause dolphins don't have hands.

I think as a dolphin

Peter was not stuck
on hands or no hands.

He was just like, I'm from the ocean.

You, I don't know what
the f*ck you're from.

You're some kind of monkey thing.

I think I know what will
make you happy though.

That's making me cum.

- My career is over.
- What?

My career is over, tonight.

So where'd the dr*gs get into the story?

Okay, so John Lilly's at a party.

He meets the wife of the
producer of "Flipper,"

who gives him LSD.

Everyone's on acid.

John Lilly gets the idea,

if we start giving acid to dolphins,

I bet they'll talk to us.

- You all right?
- I'm fine, man.

- You spinning?
- I'm not spinning.

Yet.

I hate spinning. Is there...

Do you have a solution
to spinning, Doctor?

Vomiting.

God, God, that's so evil.

So f*cked up.

There's nothing else?

Not drinking so much.

g*dd*mn it.

Where... where did we leave off?

So the lab, so the LSD.

All right.

One of John Lilly's
dolphins was traumatized.

It'd been hit by a spear g*n,

and it was afraid of humans.

He goes in the laboratory
with a bunch of acid.

This'll be great. We can
talk to the dolphins!

Let's talk to dolphins!

He gives the dolphin acid.

The dolphin that was
formerly scared of humans

swims up to him and
looks him in the eye.

There's a moment where it's like,

wait, maybe this isn't about language.

Maybe it's something
deeper than language.

And John Lilly realized,
wow, this works.

f*ck this blowhole communication.

- This is something bigger.
- Exactly!

It's not just the
guttural sound you make

out of your f*cking hamburger tube.

So John Lilly starts
giving the dolphins acid.

Margaret is like, hey, John,

do you mind not injecting
Peter with acid?

That'd be awesome. I don't
think he wants acid.

I don't want you to give it to him.

Margaret's like, I love this dolphin.

I don't know.

And Lilly's like, no, I'm
gonna give Peter acid.

It makes them... it seems
to make them a little more,

like, communicative, they're a little...

it seems to excite them in some way.

And he gave it acid.

So John Lilly is on acid.

So they're both tripping.

So, ugh...

Eventually "Hustler" catches wind

of the fact that Margaret is,
like, jerking off dolphins

and writes an article.

They made it like "Hustler" style.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Someone at NASA opens it up

and they're like, what the f*ck?

I paid a million dollars
to that assh*le,

and they're out there
f*cking the dolphins.

And so Carl Sagan comes in one day,

and he's like, uh, I'm Carl Sagan,

and I'm a very respected scientist.

I love space. You know that.

I think space is amazing,

but there's a couple of
things I think are weird

that are now happening in the universe.

Number one, jerking off dolphins.

And number two, giving them acid.

And you know what, John?

When I said let's talk
to f*cking dolphins,

I didn't mean let's teach
them to speak English.

Let's learn their language!

You don't go to Japan and
kidnap a Japanese man

and start jerking him off
and giving him f*cking acid

and then ask him to learn English!

John, I'm sorry, I'm angry,

but really just think about
it from my perspective, man.

The next time I go to f*cking NASA,

they're gonna be like,
oh, yeah, sure, Carl.

Who you gonna jerk off in
this experiment, aliens?

An owl? A partridge?
What's it gonna be, Carl?

Oh, yeah, sure, we'll give you money.

Get the f*ck outta here!

So the lab shuts down, 1966.

Peter went to another laboratory.

It wasn't a lab like the one he was at.

This was just a f*cked up basic, shitty,

g*dd*mn dolphin lab.

Peter's heart was broken.

He loved Margaret.

So Peter swims to the
bottom of the aquarium,

and he dies.

He drowns himself.

Dolphins can choose not to breathe.

Yeah, Peter, especially.

And Margaret's heart was broken.

She was so... she was
really hurt by that.

- This is like the important point, man.
- Hmm?

John Lilly's work

led to a world-wide recognition

of dolphins and whales as
intelligent life forms.

And thanks to his work, they passed

the Marine Mammal Protection Act,

which kept dolphins and whales safe.

In spite of the peculiar twists
and turns of this story,

why was this important history?

I think Peter taught us that
no matter how bad it seems,

like, you could make it better.

Right, like, he's like, if
you believe in yourself,

if you truly believe in yourself,

you can get a monkey
descendant to make you cum.

Oh, God, I wish I was born in the '60s.

All right, so what are
you gonna have tonight?

I'm gonna have a Dr. Feelgood Pepper.

- That's nice.
- What a drink.

Alcohol is a drug like any other,

but it is given such special
place in our culture.

Imagine if it was like,

this cocaine, why, it's a one oak...

it's made in oak,

one kind of oak, one barrel.

I don't think it's the best point...

I don't think it's the
best point I've ever made.

Hello.

Something about saying
hello that feels so fake.

Hey!

That's how I would do
it, it's so terrible.

Hello, I'm Jon Lovett,

and today we're talking
about JFK and Dr. Feelgood.

- I wanna feel good.
- Let's feel good.

- You know?
- Cheers.

Cheers.

So...

JFK is running for president,

and he's about to debate

Richard Mother Trucking Nixon,

and he is a mess.

He's sitting there and he's like,

I'm riddled with Addison's disease.

He could barely speak. His back hurts.

He's got one of his classic migraines.

Terrible set of symptoms.
Classic Addison's disease.

So he's like, I can't go out there.

And his buddy is like, I know
somebody who can help you,

and his name is Dr. Max Jacobson,

aka Miracle Max, aka Dr. Feelgood.

JFK's like, cool, get
that doctor on here.

So in comes Dr. Feelgood.

He comes in, and JFK's like,

hey, I've got Addison's disease.

And Jacobson's like, I
have the cure for that.

He's like, what?

No one has the cure for
Addison's disease.

And Jacobson's like, bah-bah-bah.

- You know, 'cause he's Jewish.
- Yeah, bah-bah-bah.

And he goes, bah-bah-bah. Bah-bah-bah.

Bah-bah-bah, you're gonna get

my super special magic elixir.

Give me your butt cheek.

And he gives him a, pow, sh*t.

And then JFK is like, holy moly!

My body is working.

I feel like my old self again.

Hey, one question, um,
maybe it's late to ask,

but, hey, you know, never too late.

You know, it's never too
late to ask a question.

What is in this?

And Max Jacobson is like,
number one, vitamins.

Number two, there is enzymes.

And then finally, don't freak out,

but the last ingredient, it is placenta.

- Huh.
- Placenta.

Placenta.

So JFK walks out, bah-bah-bah-bah-bah,

to that podium.

He says, hey, Tricky d*ck,

hey, Tricky d*ck, get ready,

get f*cking ready.

Are you ready? I'm the best at TV.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Kennedy sh*t Nixon with rhetoric,

and Nixon is defeated.

So now JFK is President of the
United States, all right?

So you got RFK as his right-hand man,

but he's got another right-hand man,

his left-hand man, Dr. Feelgood.

He's getting the pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew.

Jackie Kennedy, his wife, she's like,

what's going on with those sh*ts?

He's like, hey, here,
I get them in here.

- Here.
- Here.

Here.

And so he's got Jackie doing it.

But... but Kennedy's dealing
with a lot of problems, okay?

Problem number one, the Cold w*r.

Kennedy is gonna meet with
the bald man from Moscow,

Khrushchev, and he's like,

I need that... I need that
boom-boom juice you give me.

And then Feelgood goes, kapow.

Then it happened. They
meet in Vienna, Austria.

Uh, I am genuinely quite drunk.

Where were we in the story
of JFK and his dr*gs?

JK!

Wait, please keep calling him JK,

'cause that is his inish.

So J-Mother-Loving-K and Jackie Kennedy

and Marilyn Monroe and Truman Capote,

they're all getting the
Dr. Feelgood crazy sh*ts,

and RFK is starting to
get a little worried,

'cause he's like, what's going on here?

Is this the White House
or is this a trap house?

So RFK is the brother of the president

and he's an amateur sleuth,

and he's like, I'm gonna find
out what's in this thing

through medicine testing.

And then beep-bop-boop.

Beep-bop-boop-ba.

Beep-bop-boop, out come the results.

It's meth!

This is fun. I wanna keep drinking

and talking about this stuff on camera.

Do you mind if we do a little more?

Honestly, I really don't.
I'm having a blast.

All right.

- All right, ready?
- All right, let's do it.

Now, just to catch you up,

just to... previously on "JFK"...

Yes, please.

The president, John F. Kennedy,

was on meth.

So RFK goes to his brother and he says,

you're getting meth,
Jackie, Jack, John F.

Will you accept this offer
of help today, JFK?

Blown away. What else do I have to say?

And John F. Kennedy is like,

I don't give a flying fudge.

I don't care if it's horse piss.

You know what Miracle Max does?

He makes me get over
my physical problems

to be the best person I can be.

It's crazy.

So RFK, Robert, Bobby,
well, what does he do?

He confronts Dr. Max
Jacobson and he says,

listen, you're gonna stop
treating my brother,

you something that rhymes with bike.

Okay, and that's not what he said.

I honestly don't want
to say what he says,

because, frankly, it's anti-Semitic.

And then RFK says,

my brother's gonna be
president for eight years,

and then I'm gonna be
president for eight years,

and nothing's gonna stop us.

Nothing, 'cause we're
the Kennedy's right?

And this is Camelot.
Nothing could go wrong.

Nothing. Nothing!

Nothing.

Nothing.

But basically afterwards,

Dr. Feelgood calls Kennedy and says,

your brother, Bobby Kennedy,
gave me 1960s anti-Semitism.

And you know what I say to that?

I say no thank you,

and I'm not gonna work with you anymore.

So... so now John F.
Kennedy's... he's not good.

And he's like, I am exhausted
from my Addison's disease.

I need help.

So JFK calls up Dr.
Feelgood and he says,

hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, I'm f*cked up, all right?

I need that sweet, sweet magic medicine.

Make me feel good, Feelgood.

And Dr. Feelgood's like,

sure, I'm a stone-cold
lunatic and fraud.

I will do whatever you want.

JFK and Feelgood meet at the
Carlyle Hotel in New York,

and so JFK gets one last super dose,

and JFK's like, wow,

this is fantastic.

I'm gonna get naked and
run around Carl-hil...

Carlyle Hotel doing literal cartwheels

even though I continue to have

basically untreated Addison's disease.

He's done cartwhile...

He's done cartwheels
through the Carlyle.

Cartwheels through the Carlyle
is a bit of a tongue twister.

A hundred percent.

Moses supposes his toeses are roses.

Boy howdy, you know?

And the Secret Service
look at each other

and they said, we've got ourselves

a real sitch-uation.

And so they say to each other,

why don't we get a doctor

who knows how to treat crazy people?

The Secret Service calls
a literal psychiatrist

who comes and, pew,
injects Camelot himself

with an antipsychotic medicine.

He... he sobers up. He wakes up.

He's surrounded by medical doctors,

and they say to him, Mr. President,

you gotta stop seeing this doctor.

And he's like, why? He
makes me feel so good.

And the doctor's like,
well, how 'bout this?

You can't do meth anymore,

because you're in charge
of the nuclear warheads.

And JFK's like, you make
a really good argument.

I'm done with meth. I'm
done with it, all right?

I'm gonna live a lovely life

where I just use normal doctor things

like Advil and stretching.

And then he lives happily ever after.

Nothing bad happens to him.

And then in 1972,

"New York Times" runs an exposé.

Exposé? Exposé?

And Feelgood's like, I've
got to Enron the sh*t

out of these documents.

Shred, shred, shred, shred,
shred, shred, shred.

He destroys all of his records

and then he said, hi-ya, hi-ya,

and then there was kind of trumpets

and kind of a Morricone score,

and he's gone off into the sunset,

never to be heard from again.

This was wild...

The president was on dr*gs!

Okay.

Okay.

I'm done.

- Cheers.
- To Kennedy.