06x08 - Drunk Mystery, Pt. 2

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on "Drunk Mystery",
JD Ryznar shares the citizens

of Skidmore's battle with a brutal bully

that turned deadly.

Then Lucius Dillon talks of
movie producer Thomas Ince

and the star-studded
soiree that becomes a case

of Hollywood whodunnit.

Finally, Ryan Gaul recalls
the colonial gossip writer

who dotted his I's and crossed his T's.

But when he crossed
the Founding Fathers,

the headline was m*rder.

So join us tonight as we open
these brand-new mysteries

and a few more bottles of booze

on "Drunk Mystery."

Champagne.

The finest from France.

All right.

Let the games begin.

Hey. Hello. Hey, and hello.

My name is JD Ryznar,

and today we're gonna tell you the story

of the Skidmore bully and the
town that got away with m*rder.

So the story takes place in a small town

called Skidmore, Missouri.

Everybody in Skidmore
knew each other's names.

They'd walk down the street.

Hey, Jim, how's it going?
Oh, I'm real good, Jim.

How are you... Oh, Jim, Jim.

Hey, Steve.

No Steves. Just Jims and
also a guy named Bo.

We'll get into that.

The town of Skidmore was
cursed by the evil that was

Ken McElroy.

This guy was tall. He had mutton chops.

A mean look on his face all the time.

Look at my mean look.
You don't mess with me.

In case of my big side
burns and my mean look

aren't intimidating enough,

I also have a g*n.

I'm the bully of Skidmore.
You all are scared of me.

He was known to steal livestock

and trade it for money.

Sell it.

And if anybody

ever complained about him,

he would do things like
hit people in the face

with the butt of a shotgun.

Or, like, put a rattlesnake
in their mailbox.

And Ken McElroy would be there going,

yeah, you know now.

You don't mess with Ken McElroy.

I've drank the whole bottle.

I feel like a million bucks.

I feel drunk as f*ck.

This kid McElroy just
terrorizing this town.

And one day, two of Ken's
daughters walk into a store

and they go, I want that candy.

I don't have any money.

Ken McElroy is our dad.
Let's take this candy.

And the store owner, Bo Bowenkamp,

saw her steal the candy and was like,

Oh, hey, little Mc...
McElroy girl, listen,

let's just put this back on the shelf.

Don't take this candy.
Come back with some money,

and buy the candy.

In the world of Ken McElroy,
that was the greatest crime

Bo Bowenkamp the shopkeeper
could have committed.

So Ken McElroy and his wife, Trena,

they say, hey, Bo.

Bo, my daughter was trying
to steal candy from you.

We can agree on that.

But I don't like that you said she was.

And so Ken McElroy said,

just get out of here,
'cause I'm gonna sh**t Bo.

And so Trena and the daughters went away

and he sh*t Bo Bowenkamp
with his shotgun.

And just some of the sh*t
from the shotgun hit Bo,

and that... he bled and they
took him to the hospital.

And he survived.

But the whole town is like,
we have to do something

about Ken McElroy.

I like champagne.

It's a fun wine with bubbles.

And...

Booze.

So on the morning of July 10, 1981,

Ken McElroy enters the D&G Tavern

with his wife and a g*n
with a bayonet on it.

He's like, I'm gonna
finish what I started with

Bo Bowenkamp. I'm gonna...
that means I'm gonna k*ll him.

'Cause I just started k*lling him,

and I'm gonna finish k*lling him.

And so somebody from the bar was like,

ah, sh*t, I know what to do.

So Ken McElroy and his
wife finish these beers

and they walk out to his pickup truck,

sat down in his pickup truck,

and then out of nowhere,

40, 50, 60 people kind
of, like, creepily

surrounded the truck.

Ken McElroy lit up a cigarette,

and all of a sudden,
four sh*ts rang out.

McElroy's k*lled.

That's... he was k*lled
with four sh*ts, though.

That was only one.

Well, edit four. Edit it...
loop it four times.

All right.

He's dead in his truck.

His wife was like, ahh!

My eyes are closed, 'cause
there's sh*ts coming.

Who can it be?

And it is... I'm not... I don't know.

People were like, I don't
know... I don't know

what just happened.

We're gonna go home, and
we'll just all, like,

moonwalk out of here.

It's the early '80s.

I think the moonwalk is a
cool thing for us to do.

And with Ken McElroy finally dead,

the town is ecstatic.

But the FBI came into Skidmore.

Everybody said,

I don't know who sh*t him.

I didn't see anything.

Could have been everybody,
could have been nobody.

And the law said,

hey, not enough evidence.

And to this day,

we don't know who k*lled Ken McElroy.

Wow.

What's going on?

There's another bottle
of my champagne...

in the refrigerator in the garage.

Good night, JD.

Hey, now, my name is Lucius Dillon.

Today we're gonna talk
about the mysterious death

of Thomas Ince.

Was he m*rder*d?

Or dead-ed. Dead.

What?

All right, so the year
is November of 1924.

Thomas Ince was a big-deal
Hollywood producer.

And big, old, huge newspaper tycoon

William Randolph Hearst wanted

to get into the movie industry.

Hearst is like, hey,
it's your 44th birthday.

Why don't you come to my yacht

and we'll take a three-day cruise.

We'll get some celebrities.

We'll sign some contracts to
make us business partners.

It's gonna be a great, great,
great, great humdinger

of a good time, so he was like, great.

So they set out on the yacht.

So it's Hearst and it's Ince

and it's actress Marion Davies.

She was Hearst's very
unsecretive mistress.

- Ohh.
- And it's Charlie Chaplin,

and it's also gossip
columnist Louella Parsons.

And other people not famous enough

to mention in this story.

So they all go out for three days,

but when the boat returns,

Thomas Ince was dead.

Party over.

The newspaper read "Big Hot
sh*t Hollywood Producer

sh*t Dead On Hearst's Boat!"

But then,

the evening edition said,

Ha Ha Ha! Whoops! Just Kidding!

He Actually d*ed Of Heart
Failure In Hearst's Home.

So, yeah. Weird.

But things get more confusing,

because at Thomas' funeral,

Ince's wife, Elinor, was like,

it's so terrible that
my husband has d*ed.

Okay, thanks. Come again.

And then she cremated him immediately

and f*cked off to Europe.

So that was kind of odd.

We know he's dead.

That's the one fact that we know.

But since there was so
many different stories,

I mean, it's pretty much
like the movie "Clue."

But we're gonna figure it out.

We're gonna figure it out.

So one of the theories
is that Thomas Ince

had a problem with ulcers,

because he was a big Hollywood producer

and had a lot of stress
and sh*t on his mind.

Of course, when he gets on the yacht,

champagne's flowing.

They were having hootenannies
and bee-baw-billies

and blah-blah-blahs, and
then Ince is like, oh.

Salted almonds, yes. I
probably shouldn't.

Okay, I'll have 1 or 40.

And then of course when it
comes to toasting time,

it was like, okay, it's
my f*cking birthday.

Toast to me.

Love... mm...

But because of that,

it ruptured his ulcer,

and the next morning, he wakes
up with a heart att*ck...

not that cool... and then d*ed.

That's theory one.

That's theory one.

So theory two is:

they're having a great,
old time for three days.

Except for Chaplin, who was in his room,

alone, suicidal.

Because, like...

I'm Chaplin.

I'm a big, old genius.

And I hate myself.

Oh, look it here.

There's a diamond-crusted p*stol.

Ince comes in, is like, hey, Chappy!

What's going on?

Look at you. Are you being funny?

No, I'm being depressed.

Look... I mean, clearly I
have a p*stol... oh, sh*t.

I just sh*t you.

Oh, God.

Oh... God.

Oh.

Oh, okay. God.

Oh.

But here's the prevailing theory:

Hearst had a whole yacht party.

♪ Dan-ding, bah-bah ♪

♪ Blee-blabbity, bloop-bloop ♪

♪ Bing-ding, bah-bah ♪

♪ Bing-bong, boo-bah, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Dee-dee, Dee-dil-ee-dee-dee,
boo, eh, mm-mm ♪

So that... so there's a
lot of music happening.

Why did you stop?

And cut to Ince and Hearst
going down the hall.

And Hearst is like,

oh, I love Chaplin because
he does nice things

to my bankroll. I love Davies because

she does nice things to my downstairs.

Oh!

They see Chaplin and
Davies having some...

- Sex.
- Yes.

So then back to Hearst had
a diamond-crusted p*stol

and was like, how dare
you, Charlie Ma-Chaplin.

Not Ma-Chaplin, but...
how dare you, Chaplin!

I'm going to sh**t you both.

So Ince did a slow motion no...

He makes money for Hollywood.

And someone got sh*t, and it was Ince.

And he d*ed.

But maybe not.

So after the incident,

everyone was like, so, Louella,

you were on the yacht.

What's the scoop? Was it Hearst?

Was it Chaplin? Was it Davies?

What happened?

I saw nothing. I was not on the yacht.

I was 3,000 miles away. You
didn't even know about it.

She was there. She didn't say anything.

What do you believe happened?

I think that Hearst sh*t him

on the yacht

with the revolva...

revolver.

And he was buying up everyone
to shut them the f*ck up.

I mean, he bought this gossip columnist.

He bought Ince's wife.

And he got away with it.

Because Hearst owns everything.

He owns all of the newspapers.

He is the Citizen Kane, the rosebud.

And after all that,

Hearst said like, hey, everybody,

Thomas Ince didn't die
of natural causes...

wait, no, yeah...

he did die...

Thomas Ince did not die of m*rder.

He d*ed of natural causes.

Nice try.

I'm Hearst.

And I'm gonna go home
and sleep with my wife.

Good night.

- Mm.
- Do you have any other theories?

No?

Hello. I'm Ryan Gaul.

And today we're talking
about the mysterious death

of James Callender.

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Mm.

- Mr. Gaul.
- Yes.

So where does our story begin?

- None of your business.
- Okay.

No.

Uh. All right.

Richmond, Virginia. July 17, 1803.

James Callender is found
floating face-down

in the James River.

How did he get there?

- Are you curious?
- Very.

Well, in order to find out,

we need to go back ten years...

to 1793.

James Callender, Scottish immigrant,

salacious journalist,

and a drunk,

gets a job as a stenographer
with the new Congress.

And he's like, guess what?

I don't trust any of
these assholes and...

I don't... I don't buy
what they're doing.

He is suspicious to the point
where he starts digging up

information on them.

And so Alexander Hamilton is at a bar,

and James Reynolds shows up and says,

hey, unless you pay me,

I am going to let this story out,

that you were...

B-b-b-banging my wife.

So Hamilton is writing him a check

but more importantly,
he's writing the check

from the United States Treasury.

So Callender's like,

Hamilton's not only having an affair,

but he's taking money
from our government.

Like, how dare he do that!

And he basically, with one article,

ruined Hamilton's career.

Hamilton is like, God damn you.

God...

God damn you, James Callender,

you son of a bitch.

Gone.

Callender sits back and is like,

that's where I get my high.

But out of the shadows

comes Thomas Jefferson.

And he was like, hey.

I saw what you did with Hamilton.

Nice work.

Uh, John Adams right now
is the sitting president.

Callender goes, uh-duh.

And Jefferson's like,

I want to be a president.

Take Adams out. I will hook you up.

Callender's like,

I doubt you can do what I want,

because I want to become
the Postmaster General

of Richmond.

And Jefferson goes,

dude, I sh*t Postmaster Generals

of Richmonds for breakfast.

And

Callender goes, fine.

Let's do it.

b*tches.

Let's do it.

Callender writes a new article.

He calls Adams pro-monarch.

That was bad.

John Adams was sitting there going like,

what? No, I'm not. I am not pro-monarch.

But the people believe it immediately.

So Jefferson becomes president.

But guess who's going to jail?

Callender.

Uh, for sedition charges.

Uh, basically, writing to, um...

create revolt against the government.

And Callender's like,
this is pretty rough,

but Jefferson promised
me this'll be worth it.

And Jefferson is like, holy sh*t.

I'm president. Adams is out. I'm in.

And Callender... oh!

Holy sh*t. Callender's in jail.

Hey. Hey. Jerry?

Jerry, can we pardon, uh...

Can we pardon...

Callender?

And Jerry's like,

no... yeah, we can
pardon anyone we want.

You're the g*dd*mn president.

He goes, okay. Pardon Callender.

He gets out of jail,

runs to see Jefferson.

He's like,

Thomas...

That was awesome. We did it.

Let's make me the Postmaster
General of Richmond.

And Jefferson literally was like,

yeah, um...

Jerry, could you please pay Callender

uh, $50 and then escort him out?

Callender's, like, are you kidding me?

I'll take the $50 for sure,

but guess what, Jefferson?

You wanna mess with me?

I got one g*n, and that's called gossip.

And ka-pu-possip.
Gossip. Gossip. Gossip.

Gossip. Gossip. Gossip. Gossip.

Gossip. Gossip.

Sorry... that's my pillow.

So it doesn't matter.

And so Callender puts out
a piece of information

so damning, nobody could survive it.

Hey, guess what?

Jefferson's not as cool as you think.

Uh, he is having an affair
with Sally Hemings.

Who's Sally Hemings?

Oh. Just his sl*ve.

Everyone is like, what?

Are you kidding me?

What did Jerry think
about that pamphlet?

So Jerry is like, did
you hear about this?

And Jefferson goes,

don't put it so close to my face, Jerry.

And Jerry goes, I can do nothing right.

I can do nothing right.

And by the way,

Jerry?

80 years old.

So...

Everyone's, like, looking to Jefferson

to see what he says.

But guess what?

He decides to ignore it.

He just goes, hm.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what you mean.

I don't know. And he's
slowly backing out the door.

And Callender's like,
no, no, no, no, no,

you can't leave. You
have to address this.

Everybody in my past has
addressed these things

as they have come up.

And he just goes, no.

Bye.

And Callender's jaw dropped, like,

what did he just pull on me?

And because he didn't care,

the people didn't really care as much.

They're like, hey, Callender,

Callender,

nice try, you dink.

His drinking got worse.

He's broke.

And here we are in 1803.

So what happened?

Did he walk down to the James River,

and maybe he was too
wasted and he stumbled?

Boom, hit his head,

floated out to the middle, and d*ed?

It's possible.

Or was something more sinister going on?

He had a lot of enemies at that point.

Hamilton, Adams, uh, Jefferson.

They're founding fathers of America,

and to think that they are suspects

in a m*rder mystery

is sort of mind-blowing.

I mean, try to name three bigger names.

The Rock.

Well, I mean,

- when it comes to...
- Sandra Bullock.

Founding our nation.

Jack McBrayer.

Jack McBrayer is actually the
answer we were looking for.

Congratulations.

Hi, guys.

I m*rder*d James Callender.

I'm peeing myself.

Life is a mystery.

Everyone must stand alone.

I hear you call my name.

And it feels like home.